I didn't write this one, just added some material of my own and did a
little editing. It was written by a friend of a friend of mine when I was living in
---Craig "Gookie" Crumpton
The Warners Meet Star Trek Voyager:
TUVOK INTERVIEWED BY YAKKO, WAKKO AND DOT WARNER.
by Eric Jacobson (with additional material from and edited by Craig Crumpton)
YAKKO: (TO CAMERA) Good evening, and welcome to Gollywood's In-Snide Edition. We're the
DOT: --and the Warner sister--
YAKKO: --here with Mister Tuvok, chief security officer of the Starship Goyischer.
TUVOK: That's Voyager.
DOT: So tell me, Mister Tupac, just how insecure *is* Voyager?
TUVOK: (A CONFUSED BEAT) I must admit I have no idea what you're talking about.
WAKKO: (WAKKO RAISES HIS HAND) Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!
TUVOK: Do you have a question?
WAKKO: Yes. Can I use the potty?
YAKKO: (TAKING WAKKO ASIDE) Ahh...bathrooms were not a part of the Roddenberry vision.
DOT: Their budget's even smaller than ours.
WAKKO: Oh... (STICKS HIS HAND UP AGAIN) Oo! Oo! Oo!
WAKKO: Can I play with the replicator?
TUVOK: No, you may not.
DOT: It's a prop.
WAKKO: Gosh. Just how cheap is this show?
DOT: They couldn't even afford to buy Tuvok a first name.
WAKKO: (TO TUVOK) Really?
TUVOK: I do indeed have a first name. However, you could not pronounce it.
DOT: (TO WACKO) Told ya.
WAKKO: (PRODUCES A WAD OF 3x5 CARDS) Here, take one of mine. I've got lots of first names.
Bob? Gerald? Alphonse? Ringo? Zippy?
TUVOK: As I said, I already *have* a first name.
YAKKO: How about Fred? It's better than Zippy.
TUVOK: No, thank you.
YAKKO: Okay. Your choice, Zippy.
WAKKO: So, Zippy, what's B'Elanna really like?
TUVOK: I am *not* Zippy.
DOT: I'll say.
WAKKO: Last night I dreamed I had a bunch of ripe B'Elannas.
YAKKO: She's got appeal.
(INSERT SHOT: WAKKO PLAYS A RIM-SHOT ON A DRUM SET.)
TUVOK: This interview is a childish waste of time.
DOT: (DISMISSING HER SIBLINGS) Ugh. Those *children*. Whaddya say we grownups find
someplace else to play?
TUVOK: I beg your pardon?
DOT: (CLINGING) *Meld* with me, Zippy!
TUVOK: (PEELING HER OFF) I will now return to my duties.
YAKKO: Not so fast, "Z". You *have* to do this interview.
DOT: It's in your contract.
YAKKO UNROLLS A LONG CONTRACT AND READS, WHILE WAKKO SIGNS THE BOTTOM LINE.
YAKKO: (AHEM) The undersigned, hereinafter referred to as the undersigned, will provide
one unrestricted interview. pursuant to all aforementioned Federation Starfleet regulating
bodies, demodulated tachyon restrainment fields notwithstanding, yada-yada-yada, signed--
ALL THREE WARNERS: (TOGETHER) Lieutenant Zippy Tube-Sock!
DOT: It's a union thing. When you refused to do the interview with Neelix, you got *us*!
WAKKO: Betcha didn't know *he* was a cartoon character.
TUVOK: I had my suspicions.
YAKKO: Absolutely. Big toon-biz family. His uncles were the famous Yux Brothers: Skeezix
DOT: You know his mother had an fling with a Fuller Brush?
TUVOK: I had no idea.
WAKKO: Some security.
TUVOK: (SITTING BACK DOWN) As always, I will uphold all Starfleet treaties and
regulations, no matter how burdensome.
DOT: (POINTING TO THE CONTRACT) And it says you have to smile.
TUVOK: I am not aware of any such regulation.
DOT: (SHRUGS) It was worth a try.
WAKKO: (LEAPING ONTO TUVOK'S SHOULDERS, ADMIRES TUVOK'S POINTED EARS) Faboo!
Pixie ears! Can I play "Deedle-deedle" with them? (WAKKO BEGINS TO
"TWIDDLE" WITH TUVOK'S EARS) Deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle...
TUVOK: Please stop that -- you are disturbing my equilibrium.
DOT: That's enough, Wakko.
YAKKO: (ASIDE TO DOT) It's a good thing we weren't interviewing Quark when he did
TUVOK: If this interview must proceed, will you please do me the courtesy of asking
WAKKO: I thought the potty one was pretty reasonable.
YAKKO: Step aside, Sibs. I've got a list. (HE FLIPS THROUGH A REPORTER'S NOTEPAD)
Questions for the Zipper...One...What was your early training?
TUVOK: As a Starfleet cadet, I was awarded High Honors in the completion of command
strategy, and tactical analysis. Indeed, my scores in those two areas remain an academy
YAKKO: No, earlier than that.
TUVOK: Oh. Between my eighteenth and twenty-eighth years, I pursued the Vulcan mental
disciplines of logic and Ghee-Kin sublimation, in the Abbey of Rasek Trivari, where I
YAKKO: No, earlier.
TUVOK: Earlier. In Vulcan culture, Vulcan women hold chief responsibility for the logical
and rational development of children...
WAKKO: No, no! Earlier! Much earlier!
TUVOK: Have we returned to the (BEAT) "potty" question, again?
THE WARNERS: (BOUNCING) Bingo! Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!
TUVOK: I fail to see the fascination--
DOT: Failed again! Failed to successfully infiltrate the Maquis. Failed to protect your
captain from attack. Failed to prevent your ship from being lost in the Deltoid Quartet.
What do you have to say for yourself, Mister *Zippy* Warlock, if that *is* your real
TUVOK: It is *not* my name.
DOT: Ah-HAH!! (TO YAKKO) Your witness.
YAKKO: Two...What books are you reading?
TUVOK: I am currently reading a fascinating work on twenty-second century Vulcan
atonalism. It seems that a small group of experimental musicians briefly embraced a flawed
logical system by which they composed music using chaotic patterns instead of traditional
DOT: (BIG YAWN) Look out, Michael Crichton.
WAKKO: I bet there's a copy of Big Honkin' Pon-Fahr Gazette under the mattress.
TUVOK: It contains several intriguing articles.
YAKKO: Three...what is your greatest regret in life?
TUVOK: Regret is not an emotion I indulge. It is not logical to revisit the past, except
to learn from one's mistakes. For instance, my most disastrous recent error involved
declining to be interviewed by Mister Neelix...
YAKKO: Yeah, yeah. Boo-hoo. Let's just get this over with--I promised I'd let Seven
of Nine "assimilate" me, if you know what I mean. (WINKS AT WAKKO)
DOT: Boys...go fig.
YAKKO: Last question...what was your greatest triumph?
TUVOK: At the comparatively young age of sixty-two, it is my expectation that my greatest
triumphs still lie in the future. Perhaps in the near future. Specifically, if I am able
to end this interview without committing any capital crimes...(TO HIMSELF) however it
might be argued that you are not sentient beings...
YAKKO: Getting a little testy, are we?
TUVOK: I do not get "testy".
DOT: It's so unbecoming. (DOT HANGS ON TUVOK'S NECK, PLUCKS OFF HIS COM-BADGE.) This is
cute, but does it keep you warm at night?
TUVOK: Return that communicator immediately.
THE COM-BADGE RINGS LIKE A TELEPHONE. YAKKO STICKS IT IN HIS EAR.
YAKKO: Y'ello? Steven! (A BEAT) Ya don't say! (TO TUVOK) Steven wants you in the E-T
DOT: (SHE TAKES THE BADGE) I'll get rid of him. (SHE STICKS IT IN HER EAR) Sorry. He's out
of town for the next seventy years. Bye.
TUVOK BURSTS INTO TEARS.
DOT: (OFF TUVOK'S REACTION) Now *that's* logical.
TUVOK'S TEARS SEGUE INTO HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER.
TUVOK: Stop it! Stop it! That tickles! (REACHES INTO HIS PANTS, PULLS OUT WAKKO.) What do
you think you're doing?
WAKKO: Looking for the Defiant. I heard it was circling Uranus wiping out Klingons.
YAKKO: (BLOWS A BIG KISS TO CAMERA) Good night, everybody!
ANIMANIACS characters, names and all related indicia
are trademarks of Warner Bros. Copyright 1996
STAR TREK and related marks are trademarks of Paramount Pictures, 1997.