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Gookie Says:

If Batman's Bat-Grappling Gun ever ran out of cable suddenly and he plummeted helplessly to certain death, these are the the last thoughts that might go through his mind on the way down... Fair Warning to parents, some of the entries in this list are PG-13. Proceed at you own risk.

---Craig "Gookie" Crumpton

If Batman Fell

"Oh, $#!@."

"I wish I could fly."

"Think happy thoughts... think happy places..."

"And I never told Alfred that I loved him."

"Maybe the ground will break my fall."

"Where's Robin when I REALLY need him?"

"How ironic... I always did hope to make a good impression on Gotham City...just not quite in *this* way."

"Guess this means my dinner is going to get cold."

"Superman wears a cape, and *he* can fly."

"Maybe my butt will break my fall."

"Gravity is wreaking havoc with my body! Either that or I just had diarrhea in my briefs..."

"I could really go for one of Alfred's cups of tea right now."

"Dammit... my foot itches."

"It's at times like this that actually BEING a bat would REALLY come in handy."

"It *can't* end like this! Only Disney villians are supposed to die this way!"

"Hmm... the way the wind whistles through my cowel... sounds just like the ocean."

"I hope the undertaker cleans out my suit... I don't want to be buried with all this crap in my drawers."


"Maybe if I click my heels together three times..."

"I can see the whole city from up here!"

"But... I can't die!  Not ME !  I'm... I'm... *I'M BATMAN!!!*"

"I bet Joker will be really pissed that he wasn't around to see this day."

"And Mayor Hill just had this street paved, too."

"I hope I don't land on the HARD end !"

"All those tiny people gathered down there... they really do look like ants."

"...and if I hold my fingers up to my eyes, I can squash all the itty-bitty people... hee-hee... Oh, God - I think I'm cracking up."

"Oh, great . . . now my crotch itches."

"I hope Dick, Tim, and Alfred aren't too disappointed to learn that I didn't leave anything for them in my will."

"I really did have great pecs, though."

"Maybe one of those people down there will try to catch me..."

"I never realized before this moment how very uncomfortable this suit is."

"Ah, #$%@... there goes my wallet."

"I wish I had scored with Catwoman before this happened. damn! damn! damn! damn! DAMN !!!!!"

"Maybe if I flap my arms really fast..."

"I wonder how the writers will bring me back to life next season."

"What I wouldn't give for a really long rope right about now."

"...and Dick still owed me twenty bucks from the last episode!"

"I wonder what it would have been like to do Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn at the SAME TIME..."

"Wait, I'm a cartoon character!  I won't die when I hit the ground - I'll just bounce back up into the air!  Yeah, that's it - I'll BOUNCE!!!"

"This is all Alfred's fault!  I told him to put a new one of these in my utility belt this morning!  Dammit - you really CAN'T find good help these days!"

"Hell, this could be worse.  I mean, at least I'm not going to land on a car... like that one that just stopped right below me... wait a second..."

"Maybe if I close my eyes it will all go away..."

"...what if I did Harley and Catwoman together...no, first Catwoman THEN Harley...no-no-no, Batgirl - yeah, Batgirl, Harley AND Ivy, and THEN Catwoman...yeah, definitely should save Catwoman for last..."

"I never realized how painful a boner could be in these tight drawers !"

"I wonder if I will just splat or if I'll burst into chunks..."

"I hope no one unmasks me after I hit the ground."

"Maybe they'll have the spot bronzed where I smack into the pavement. It would be just like putting my handprints into the Hollywood Walk of Fame! ...except more painful."

"Well, if I'm going to die, I may as well enjoy this while it lasts... Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"

"I need to try to turn over - bugs are getting stuck in my teeth."

"I wish I could land on one of my arch-enemies! If I'm going down, I'm gonna take SOMEBODY with me, dammit!"

"Yes, it's definitely more settling to fall backwards than face-first."

"I suppose it's too late now to have myself cloned, or replaced by some warped computer bent on exterminating the entire human race."

"God, is this a tall building or WHAT !"

"[singing] "I . . . fall . . . to pieces..."

"And I never DID get any super-powers, dammit !"

"Hey... what if I let loose a huge Bat-fart just before I hit the ground, maybe the burst of air would cushion my fall!"

"Damn - if only I'd thought to have had Alfred put a PARACHUTE in my utility belt..."

"Mother?  Father?  I've failed you . . . again."

"If I had known that I was going to die this early, I would've ignored my doctors' warning me not to drink, smoke, or eat greasy foods.  I wonder if I have any Skoal in my utilitly belt.  Hell, I have everything ELSE in here!"

"Shooo!  Get away!  Ah, sssh... nasty @#$%ing pigeons."

"[singing]  "I buh-leeeve I can flyyyyyyy..."

"What if, just before I hit the pavement - I tried to JUMP? I wonder if *that* would work..."

"Well, at least I'll carry my secret to the grave that heights have always scared the hell out of me. "

"Wait... isn't that... yes, it's Superman!  I'm saved!  SUPERMAN! SAVE ME, SUPERMAN!  . . . Superman? What the... is that Lois he's carrying?  DAMN him! YOU HEAR ME, SUPERMAN?  DAMN YOU, YOU ROTTEN #$%@#$%!!! @#$% LOIS  AND COME HELP ME !!!"

"Maybe if I tried swimming upward through the air..."

(and then, just a moment before hitting the pavement...) "Well, whaddya know ... Alfred DID put a parachute in my belt after a......."


If you would like to receive a copy of this list, uncensored, in its original form with the jokes that couldn't be printed here, please write to: Crumpty-dumpty@juno.com

Copyright 1997  C-Plus Productions
Batman created by Bob Kane
And a nod to Warner Bros and DC Comics as well.


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