If Batman's Bat-Grappling Gun ever ran out of cable suddenly and he
plummeted helplessly to certain death, these are the the last thoughts that might go
through his mind on the way down... Fair Warning to parents, some of the entries in this
list are PG-13. Proceed at you own risk.
---Craig "Gookie" Crumpton
If Batman Fell
"I wish I could fly."
"Think happy thoughts... think happy places..."
"And I never told Alfred that I loved him."
"Maybe the ground will break my fall."
"Where's Robin when I REALLY need him?"
"How ironic... I always did hope to make a good impression on Gotham
City...just not quite in *this* way."
"Guess this means my dinner is going to get cold."
"Superman wears a cape, and *he* can fly."
"Maybe my butt will break my fall."
"Gravity is wreaking havoc with my body! Either that or I just had
diarrhea in my briefs..."
"I could really go for one of Alfred's cups of tea right now."
"Dammit... my foot itches."
"It's at times like this that actually BEING a bat would REALLY come
"It *can't* end like this! Only Disney villians are supposed to die
"Hmm... the way the wind whistles through my cowel... sounds just
like the ocean."
"I hope the undertaker cleans out my suit... I don't want to be
buried with all this crap in my drawers."
"Maybe if I click my heels together three times..."
"I can see the whole city from up here!"
"But... I can't die! Not ME ! I'm... I'm... *I'M
"I bet Joker will be really pissed that he wasn't around to see this
"And Mayor Hill just had this street paved, too."
"I hope I don't land on the HARD end !"
"All those tiny people gathered down there... they really do look
"...and if I hold my fingers up to my eyes, I can squash all the
itty-bitty people... hee-hee... Oh, God - I think I'm cracking up."
"Oh, great . . . now my crotch itches."
"I hope Dick, Tim, and Alfred aren't too disappointed to learn that I
didn't leave anything for them in my will."
"I really did have great pecs, though."
"Maybe one of those people down there will try to catch me..."
"I never realized before this moment how very uncomfortable this suit
"Ah, #$%@... there goes my wallet."
"I wish I had scored with Catwoman before this happened. damn! damn!
damn! damn! DAMN !!!!!"
"Maybe if I flap my arms really fast..."
"I wonder how the writers will bring me back to life next
"What I wouldn't give for a really long rope right about now."
"...and Dick still owed me twenty bucks from the last episode!"
"I wonder what it would have been like to do Poison Ivy and Harley
Quinn at the SAME TIME..."
"Wait, I'm a cartoon character! I won't die when I hit the
ground - I'll just bounce back up into the air! Yeah, that's it - I'll
"This is all Alfred's fault! I told him to put a new one of
these in my utility belt this morning! Dammit - you really CAN'T find good help
"Hell, this could be worse. I mean, at least I'm not going to
land on a car... like that one that just stopped right below me... wait a second..."
"Maybe if I close my eyes it will all go away..."
"...what if I did Harley and Catwoman together...no, first Catwoman
THEN Harley...no-no-no, Batgirl - yeah, Batgirl, Harley AND Ivy, and THEN Catwoman...yeah,
definitely should save Catwoman for last..."
"I never realized how painful a boner could be in these tight drawers
"I wonder if I will just splat or if I'll burst into chunks..."
"I hope no one unmasks me after I hit the ground."
"Maybe they'll have the spot bronzed where I smack into the pavement.
It would be just like putting my handprints into the Hollywood Walk of Fame! ...except
"Well, if I'm going to die, I may as well enjoy this while it
"I need to try to turn over - bugs are getting stuck in my
"I wish I could land on one of my arch-enemies! If I'm going down,
I'm gonna take SOMEBODY with me, dammit!"
"Yes, it's definitely more settling to fall backwards than
"I suppose it's too late now to have myself cloned, or replaced by
some warped computer bent on exterminating the entire human race."
"God, is this a tall building or WHAT !"
"[singing] "I . . . fall . . . to pieces..."
"And I never DID get any super-powers, dammit !"
"Hey... what if I let loose a huge Bat-fart just before I hit the
ground, maybe the burst of air would cushion my fall!"
"Damn - if only I'd thought to have had Alfred put a PARACHUTE in my
"Mother? Father? I've failed you . . . again."
"If I had known that I was going to die this early, I would've
ignored my doctors' warning me not to drink, smoke, or eat greasy foods. I wonder if
I have any Skoal in my utilitly belt. Hell, I have everything ELSE in here!"
"Shooo! Get away! Ah, sssh... nasty @#$%ing
"[singing] "I buh-leeeve I can flyyyyyyy..."
"What if, just before I hit the pavement - I tried to JUMP? I wonder
if *that* would work..."
"Well, at least I'll carry my secret to the grave that heights have
always scared the hell out of me. "
"Wait... isn't that... yes, it's Superman! I'm saved!
SUPERMAN! SAVE ME, SUPERMAN! . . . Superman? What the... is that Lois he's
carrying? DAMN him! YOU HEAR ME, SUPERMAN? DAMN YOU, YOU ROTTEN #$%@#$%!!!
@#$% LOIS AND COME HELP ME !!!"
"Maybe if I tried swimming upward through the air..."
(and then, just a moment before hitting the pavement...) "Well,
whaddya know ... Alfred DID put a parachute in my belt after a......."
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Copyright 1997 C-Plus Productions
Batman created by Bob Kane
And a nod to Warner Bros and DC Comics as well.