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MEET WALLY FAUST
by Robert Dougherty


OPENING SCENE: Set up inside Elmyra's room. Elmyra is sitting at a round table with Pinky and the Brain, who are in blouses.

ELMYRA: Would you like some more juice, cranky big head mousy? This is a juice party, you're supposed to drink some juicy-wuscy.

PINKY: Come on Brain, join in the fun! I always say a little juice is a great way to start the day. Zort!

BRAIN:{Ignoring him} Of all the embarrassing things I've suffered through this year, this ranks somewhere in the middle. And besides, don't people usually have _tea_ parties instead of _juice_ parties?!

ELMYRA: It's too early for tea. Here, please try some juice, please?? It would make me so happy.

BRAIN: Fine. But I'm doing this in fear that if I don't, you'll make me drink it like some kind of....

Brain realizes he's about to say something that could lead to him getting his mouth washed out, and shuts up. He drinks out of his mouse sized cup. He then spits the juice out.

BRAIN: Bleech! Grape juice! I hate grape juice!! Okay, now this ranks somewhere in the Top 20. I refuse to drink anymore of this!

ELMYRA: But grape juice is good for you.

BRAIN: You would think so. {To Pinky} Pinky, please find something to distract her before she goes into song about how good grape juice is. If she does, I'll scream so loud the resulting sound would disrupt the airwaves of the Disney Channel.

PINKY: Wouldn't that be a good thing?

Just as Brain is about to answer, an alarm clock goes off.

ELMYRA: Oops, 8:00, time for school, time for fun!

She picks up her backpack and runs off.

ELMYRA:{Calling out}See you in 6 hours, mousies! Then we'll play more fun games!

The door shuts. The mice take off the blouses.

BRAIN: Thank heavens. Whoever invented school should be given a parade and be celebrated as a hero. Now I can begin my latest plan to conquer the world!

PINKY: And that would be what? I know! You'll scream very loudly and then you'll disrupt the broadcast of another Martin and Lewis reunion! No Brain, don't do it! I was so looking forward to seeing them this year!

BRAIN: Don't worry, I wouldn't think of ruining such an important event. Rather I've thought of something more disrupting. Pinky, do you remember our failed plan to go to the water reservoir with our DNA cocktail drink?

PINKY: Oh, was that when you turned Mr Pussy Wussy into a dog?

BRAIN: Yes, thank you for reminding me of such a feat. Anyway, I've figured out that the remains of the cocktail were drunk by earthworms that are still residing here. If I can capture these worms that bark like dogs, I can train them into using their dog like talents to scare the populous. Then, high ranking Washington officials will no doubt come by here wondering why everyone is so scared. Then I can scare them into giving me control of the world!

PINKY: Brilliant Brain! Wait, no, no, why would people from Washington come down here for that?

BRAIN: Probably to gain more in the public opinion polls. The only things they love more than bribe money is popularity.

PINKY: That's funny, when I was President for a while I didn't see anyone taking bribes.

BRAIN: That's why unpopular memorials and museums were invented, so no one can see them taking bribes if they go there. Now come, we must head to the park to collect these worms!

Cut to the park where Pinky and Brain are holding mouse like nets, looking for the worms.

BRAIN: They should be here, what's keeping them?

PINKY: Maybe you should offer fish as bait, then they'll come to you easily! Oh wait, then the fish would eat the worms, wouldn't they?

BRAIN: Well, there's a first, a comment from you that makes sense!

PINKY: Thanks Brain.

BRAIN: No, my friend, I don't think we'll find anything here. It is very fitting of how our lives have been since we came here.

Suddenly a shadow comes up behind the mice. Pinky turns and looks frightened, but Brain doesn't turn.

PINKY: {Quivering} Brain, I think you should see this.

BRAIN: Not while I'm fuming, Pinky! As I was saying, of all the things we've been through since we came here, a perfect 100% have been bad! Why do I put up with this?!

PINKY: Maybe you should turn around and see, Brain. 

Brain turns around and his eyes widen.

BRAIN:{Calm} Yes, that's a good answer.

We now see the shadow belongs to none other than Wally Faust. He is holding a net commonly used for catching birds.

WALLY: Hello Mr Brain. Long time no see.

BRAIN: Not long enough.

WALLY: Ah, I see you still have a good sense of humor, Brain. Now stand still while I crisply capture you, so we won't have to wait for months more to see each other again.

BRAIN: I choose to waive that suggestion.

Pinky and Brain run. Wally gives chase. He tries to catch them with the net a few times, until finally he catches them.

BRAIN: This is how you plan to seize us, Wally? Look at this. You should know a mouse can chew through these ropes, and I can easily climb the ropes to jump out.

WALLY: I know. I just wanted you to have a front row seat while I show you this!

Wally pulls out a remote with his free hand and pushes a red button. Suddenly the ropes turn to steel, and a steel lid closes on the top. 

WALLY: There, that should prevent any escapes.

BRAIN: Sadly, I must agree.

WALLY: Gee, I wonder why no one else came up with this. I mean, it would probably increase people's chances of actually imprisoning animals with nets. Oh well, we can't all be geniuses, unlike my colleagues from The Circle, who you'll meet soon enough. 

Wally begins to walk.

WALLY:{Continuing}Soon Brain, you will be a member of The Circle, and help us conquer the world. And Pinky, well, there's a good chance he won't live to see it.

PINKY: Is that bad?

WALLY: Well, consider that you will not be alive anymore, since you would be no help to us, and that your buddy Brain will be turned into a member of The Circle, which as you might know is an evil organization. So yes, that's bad.

PINKY:{Worried}Narf.

BRAIN: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

PINKY: I think so Brain, but why do you think the dish ran away with the spoon and not the fork?

BRAIN: Somehow, I'm not surprised by these anymore. {Whispering} We must find a way to distract Wally that will give me enough time to maybe make some adjustment somehow to this net which would be helpful. 

PINKY: Gee, he sure went to a lot of trouble to do all this. Remind me Brain, why is he so obsessed over us? I mean, I thought our world domination attempts were secret to everybody.

WALLY: Do I hear chatter back there? You'd better be careful of what you say, or else we'll be sure to make your eventual demises much more crisply painful.

BRAIN:{Ignoring Wally, to Pinky, still whispering} That's it! If I can get Wally to tell the story of how The Circle knew of us, it not only would be knowledgeable, but would give me time to figure out how to escape.

WALLY: Do you need a hearing aid, I said no talking!

BRAIN: Not even if we were talking about how great you were in abducting us?

WALLY: Yes, not even if it's about how...Wait a second, that sounds like a good thing!

BRAIN: Yes, we were admiring how great you were in putting us in an inescapable trap. I think you are a brilliant villain, Wally, quite possibly the best foe I've ever gone up against.

WALLY: Go on.

BRAIN: Yes, you are the perfect embodiment of a true evil foe. Cunning, resourceful, evil, ambitious, and did I mention you have the most sinister voice? If you were an actor, that voice alone would make you great playing a typecast villain all the time.

WALLY: Well, I am quite proud of my voice, and it was my dream to be an actor before I became a Circle member.

BRAIN: Tell me, how did The Circle get to know about us and make it a mission to make our lives miserable? I would really like to know, and I assure you this is not a trick to stall for time while we try to escape.

WALLY: Ah ha! You're using the old "Swell the villain's ego and make him tell a story to stall him while you make an escape" trick! Come on, Mr Brain, couldn't you have come up with something original to defeat me?

BRAIN: But you were brilliant in forcing us out of our lab and then chasing us all around town. I'd really like to know where you got the inspiration by sitting down and telling us.

WALLY: I guess I was great in doing so. All right I _will_ tell you. Besides you probably do have the right to know.

PINKY: Yeah, we do! How in the world did you guys cause so much trouble for us, driving us from our home, forcing us to live here where poor Brain is having such a hard time!

WALLY:{Sly, as if he might be able to get something out of Pinky} Go on, what has he been going through?

BRAIN: Finish that sentence Pinky, and I'll smite you. 

PINKY: Oops, sorry. Troz!

Wally sits down on a bench.

WALLY: Well, to settle your story, it all started a year ago, at our secret hideout which I won't go into any more detail about because then it wouldn't be secret and I'd be in big crisp trouble.

Dissolve to The Circle's confectionary store in Washington. The leaves are blowing like they were in The Man from Washington.

Note: For purposes of identification the rest of The Circle members will be referred by the names we gave them in Circle Closing In. 

Inside The Circle meeting room, Wally is about to leave.

VOICE: And where do you think you're going, Mr Faust? Wally turns to see Big Guy, the owner of that voice.

WALLY: To the White House, Big Guy. Today is the day everyone dances the Smeka...um Seeca, um the Sweater...oh why can't I remember that name?

BIG GUY: I think you mean the SchmŽerskŚhÝvÍn, Mr Faust. That insipid dance which has taken the world by storm. I think we're the only ones who don't do that dance, since we, unlike the whole world, have something better to do, like rule the world. Why does this concern you?

WALLY: Look, let us crisply look at the facts. Ever since the, that dance started, every single person is becoming dumber. My research proves it. I have a feeling this is not a coincidence, and that someone is up to something, maybe even world domination. Obviously we can't have somebody taking over the world before we do. That's why I have to check this out.

BIG GUY: You have a point. But what if you're wrong, it would be pretty embarrassing for you.

WALLY: There's only one way to find out, Big Guy. And I must find out, or it may be too late.

Cut to the White House. This takes place right after the events of Brainswashed Part 3. We see Pinky and Brain flying in their ship and landing on the floor. They then return to normal size. Wally is watching behind a food cart.

BRAIN: Yes! We have saved the world, we are going to get our lab back, better than ever, and with that we can resume our plans to take over the world ourselves!

PINKY: What a fun fun, silly willy day, Brain!

WALLY: I was right, someone was trying to take over with the SchmŽerskŚhÝvÍn! And these two mice apparently stopped him?! Either that, or I need to get out more. I've got to follow them. They might be useful.

Cut to the new Acme Labs seen at the end of Brainwashed Part 3. Wally is below a window with a tape recorder.

BRAIN: Come Pinky. I think we should get some sleep to rest up for tomorrow's world domination plan.

Brain then goes near a safe.

BRAIN: Inside this safe is my big book of world domination plans, including a record of all my other failed plans. I don't know why I keep them in there. Since I've memorized the details of my upcoming plans, I'll lock it in this safe.

Brain locks the safe and walks away. Then, a hand, obviously Wally's, opens the window and goes towards the nearby safe. It turns the combination and opens the safe. The hand grabs Brain's big book of world domination plans. Wally closes the safe and walks away with the book.

Cut to The Circle meeting room. All The Circle members are there. 

WALLY: Fellow members of The Circle, I have recovered something from a very inventive and valuable mind.

He pulls out Brain's book. Big Guy takes a look at it, and hands it to Dr Shale. All The Circle members have a brief look at the book.

WALLY: This book belongs to The Brain, a genetically altered lab mouse bent on world domination, much like us. This book contains all of his failed plans. It also explains why so many people with a small head, red nose, and fur have been making the news so often these last few years, be it Presidential candidate John Brain, the White House Chief of Staff that brought down former President Pinky's administration, or the famous basketball player Muhammed Al Ba Brain, this mouse is all these people!

DR SHALE: So this mouse wants domination, eh? Then shouldn't we eliminate the competition and kill him?

WALLY: No, we don't kill him, we have him join us. Think of it. From what I've read, this mouse would be a perfect fit for our organization's goal and maybe put us over the top. If we secure him, and make him work for us, he could help us achieve our goals.

BIG GUY: That sounds very interesting. So you want him to join us?

WALLY:{Dark, very Christopher Walken like}Yes, I do.

DR SHALE: I still think we should eliminate him. We can't take the chance he'll take over the world before us. If he's such a genius, we let him in this organization and he might ruin everything!

WALLY: That is why after we finish with him, we can do away with him crisply. His idiot sidekick Pinky can go too. He is of no help away.

BIG GUY: All in favor of doing what Mr Faust says, raise your hands. 

All but Dr Shale raise their hand.

BIG GUY: Then it's decided. But how can we get control of him?

WALLY: First, we must drive him into the open. And the only way to do that is to....destroy their home, Acme Labs!

GENERAL: What an excellent idea! With no place to go...

FAHRENHEIT: He'll be ours for the taking!

WALLY: That's what I said.

Wally laughs maniacally.

END ACT ONE

 

ACT TWO:

 Wally is at the bench from earlier. Brain, although he looks like he's thinking, also looks very interested in what Wally is saying.

BRAIN: So that's how you heard of us, from our stopping of the SchmŽerskŚhÝvÍn.

WALLY: This brings me to my next question: how was your lab destroyed?

BRAIN: Well, now it seems obvious you had a hand in it.

WALLY: I had everything to do with it.

PINKY: As I recalled, a destruction crew came and demolished the entire lab.

WALLY: Ah, for once Pinky gets the right answer. Better watch out Brain, he could take your job with that memory of his.

BRAIN: Stop being sarcastic and continue the story.

WALLY: Very well. First, I "recruited" a local demolition crew. 

Dissolve to a dark room. 5 demolition men look hypnotized.

WALLY:{V.O.}I used a hypnotic device, not unlike your "cheese ray" to get them to do as I said.

Wally looks at them evilly, looking as evil as ever.

WALLY:{Very dark}Now, you will do as I say. You will get demolition tools, head over to that lab entitled, Acme Labs, and use all your tools to destroy it. Do whatever you can, but if you kill the laboratory mice in there, I will have whoever did it suffer the same fate. Is that clear?

MEN: Yes.

WALLY: Good, now do it!

The men walk out.

WALLY: It's going to be very dark and rainy. Once they're done I'll need to carry this.

He holds up his infamous flashlight from the opening titles. 

Cut to the inside of the lab. Pinky looks out the window and sees the men. Two of them hold ball and chain maces, and two others are driving bulldozers. The other is holding a mallet.

PINKY: Um Brain?

BRAIN: Don't bother me. I'm trying to figure out how I should start my tour of this new lab. I never got the chance to fully look at it.

PINKY: And now it looks like we never will.

BRAIN: What are you..

Before he can finish, one of the bulldozers plows through the front.

BRAIN: Oh. Run Pinky!

Brain and Pinky run before they see another bulldozer come through. The three others come in and trash everything. The bulldozers continue to plow through and destroy the walls. Soon, the others are finished trashing everything in the vicinity. Brain and Pinky run out of the lab. After they do, in a few seconds the entire lab looks ready to fall. The bulldozers go away and the others do too, just as the lab falls and turns to rubble, just like in the opening titles.

BRAIN: Our lab, it's gone. We are truly homeless.

PINKY: Again.

It starts to rain really hard, and, just like in the opening titles, Pinky and Brain walk away sadly. And just like in the titles, a dark man with a flashlight comes forward, who we know is Wally.

WALLY:{In a evil voice, sounding very different}Ha ha! It worked perfectly! Now, as soon as I find out where those two mice Pinky and especially The Brain are, I'll have them in my power! Ha ha! Again!

Pinky and Brain turn around and hear this.

BRAIN: Did you hear that? That dark man with the flashlight must be behind this! And he wants us for some evil purpose! We must run! 

Pinky and Brain runs into the distance.

WALLY{Coughing, now speaking in his Walken voice}This always happens during a storm, my voice always changes somehow.

Cut to Pinky and Brain climbing onto a bottle, just like in the titles.

BRAIN: This has been a trying day.

PINKY: Wet, too.

BRAIN: Yes, always. We must find a new lab at once, before we are spotted by that man!

Just like in the opening titles, Wally comes in the dark with his flashlight. And like in the titles he flashes the flashlight towards the mice.

MICE: Gasp!

WALLY:{In his evil voice again}Now you are mine! You can run all you want, but I'll be right behind you, waiting to gain control of you! 

BRAIN: Given the lack of options, we shall now test that theory on you by RUNNING!

Pinky and Brain run just like in the titles with them being in the spotlight of the flashlight.

Cut to a lab entitled "Kinko Labs" with the subtitle "Subsidiary of Kinko Stores, as if you didn't know" Wally walks toward it.

WALLY: This is the last lab I haven't checked. The mice were hiding in every other lab in town which I checked. They must be in here.

Wally pulls out his flashlight and moves forward.

Cut to Brain looking bored and Pinky running on an exercise wheel in a cage.

BRAIN: This lab could not be in more need of starting from scratch. All this place is is an advertisement for Kinko's, only not on TV.

PINKY: Then why are we here?

BRAIN: To hide from that man, Pinky! He does not have good intentions toward us, I can tell. He already drove us out of every lab in town, knowing we would hide in another lab.

PINKY: Do you think he'll find us here?

Just like in the opening titles, Wally walks in with the flashlight.

The mice gasp and run just like in the titles. Pinky and Brain then run toward the exit.

BRAIN: Yes Pinky, he found us indeed.

PINKY: I hate the rare times when I'm right.

BRAIN: Thankfully, they're rare. But that is a thought for another evening.

The mice turns to see Wally in the dark running toward them.

PINKY: If we live to see another evening!

The mice run. Wally chases them in what is the same brief scene from "Yule Be Sorry" The mice finally turn into the street, out of sight.

WALLY: Enjoy yourself outside and free, mice. It will be your last moments of not being owned by The Circle.

Wally walks away as we hear thunder and see lighting.

Cut to the next morning inside the pet store from the titles. Pinky and Brain are hiding behind the turtle.

BRAIN: We need some kind of food, before we can move on and figure out how to escape that man.

PINKY:{Tasting turtle food}Mm, this is real good Brain, try some.

Brain walks over and tries some. He spits it out.

BRAIN: I can come to the safe conclusion it was not as tasty as you predicted it was. You'd think they'd have food pellets here, but no! Once I take over the world, I'll be sure to fix that problem. That is...{Sad}If we live to try to take over the world again.

Cut to the outside of the store. Wally walks toward it.

WALLY: There may just be the possibility they may be hiding here. Unlikely, but I have hope.

VOICE: Did someone say Hope?

Bob Hope himself comes forward.

WALLY: I didn't say Bob Hope, you annoying comedian!

HOPE: Boy, at least this is a better welcome than when I went to that nudist colony. I tell you those people in their birthday suits have no sense of humor for tasteless jokes.

WALLY: And neither do I. If everyone felt that way, Comedy Central would have never put South Park on the air. Now go away, you annoy me. 

HOPE: Hey, no problem, Mr Boring Dresser. I tell you, the plain brown suits went out with the SchmŽerskŚhÝvÍn. Isn't that wild, ha ha.

WALLY: Thankfully for you, I shall ignore that.

Hope goes away and Wally enters the store.

BRAIN: Uh oh, hide!

PINKY: Is it the man?

BRAIN: I can't take chances, we don't know what he looks like, he could be the man or not. It's not wise to take chances.

Wally shows a picture of the mice to the clerk.

WALLY:{Quiet}Have you seen these mice?

The clerk shakes his head. Suddenly, like in the titles, Elmyra comes in.

CLERK: Oh, hello Elmyra.

ELMYRA: Hi Mr Clerk Salesman head!

Pinky and Brain are hiding inside the turtle's shell now and can not see or hear what's going on.

WALLY: You have a very low vocabulary, little nutgirl.

ELMYRA: I don't have any nuts.

WALLY:{To himself}Except herself.

CLERK: I don't have all day, are you going to pick your latest unfortunate pet or not?

ELMYRA:{Looking at the turtle}Ooh, I want that Shellbutt turtle face aminal.

CLERK:{To turtle}I feel for you, kid.

The clerk picks up the turtle and gives it to Elmyra. She gives him money and runs off. We all know what happens after that.

WALLY:{V.O} After days of not finding you, I went back to the hideout, and I never saw you again until that day at the sidewalk.

Cut back to Wally at the bench.

WALLY: So, that's the story of how we found you. Pretty good, right?

BRAIN: Maybe it would be if it didn't bring back so many painful memories.

WALLY: You asked for it, and you got it Brain. Don't blame me. Now we can move on to the airport so we can go and begin your new career.

BRAIN:{To Pinky} I think I now know how to get free. Just stay there and don't do or say anything.

Brain climbs the steel ropes as Wally gets up.

PINKY:{Whisper}Maybe I can practice my singing extra quiet to pass the time.{Still quiet}Audio hoo hoo!

BRAIN:{Quiet, but hearable}Quiet Pinky, we can't afford any slipups!

WALLY:{O.S}Too late.

Wally looks directly at Brain.

WALLY: Like I said before, you're too smart for your own good. Now I'll have to close these steel ropes to stop you once and for all. It will be the next to final nail in your coffin, Brain.

Wally pushes a button and the ropes holes start to close. Brain, we can now see, is trying to climb up the ropes to the top. Below him at the top of the net, there is a red button. It's evident Brain is trying to climb the ropes and push the button. The ropes are closing still as Brain is almost at the top, but is slipping. Wally laughs evilly, and the net is now in front of his face.

Brain looks like he is about to fall off the top. With his left hand, he's holding on to the rope to prevent from falling, and with the other, he is trying to reach the button. The steel is close to crushing Brain's his hand and arm. Wally laughs even more. At the last moment, before Brain falls, his right hand pushes the button and the lid swings open....hitting Wally's face in the process. Wally falls to the ground, out cold.

BRAIN: I've done it, Pinky! And I knocked out Wally in the process.

PINKY: I think I deserve credit for that.

BRAIN: I won't argue the point. Let's go before he wakes up.

Dissolve to Wally getting up. He now sees the net is open, and the mice are gone.

WALLY:{Al la Kirk in Wrath of Khan}BRRRAAAIINN!!!!!

Cut to The Circle meeting room.

BIG GUY: So Mr Faust, you failed again.

WALLY: Yes, my overconfidence did me in this time.

DR SHALE: This is going on long enough. I still think...

BIG GUY: What you think in this matter doesn't matter, Dr Shale. The vote we took proves that.

GENERAL: Now what do we do?

FAHRENHEIT: Good question. We need to find them soon.

BIG GUY: Yes, especially since our recent plan to overthrow the President using Kenneth Starr failed miserably in the impeachment trials. I'm still shocked that the jury didn't take our bribe in return for voting guilty. That ruined my view of politicians for the worse.

DR SHALE: Yes, the fact that there are still honest officials in the White House sickens me too. Don't they know they have a reputation to keep as bribe takers?!

GENERAL: Anyway, what do we do now in order to find Brain?

WALLY: We wait. All we know is that they are somewhere in that area I've been in. It won't be long until their location slips out. I hope they are enjoying themselves wherever they are, because they won't for long.

Wally laughs again. Cut to the outside of the confectionary store building for one final look. The leaves are blowing again.

Cut back to Elmyra's room.

PINKY: Brain, Elmyra's coming back from school!

BRAIN: Thanks for ruining my mood.

PINKY: Hey, Elmyra's place may not be the best for us, but would you rather be living with those evil Circle people, carring out their evil orders?

BRAIN: No. Sigh, I guess I'll have to take what I can get, and keep reminding myself of Wally so I'll know that this is bad, but it could be much worse. Hopefully our deserved justice will come tomorrow.

PINKY: Why, what are we going to do tomorrow Brain?

BRAIN: The same thing we do every day, Pinky. Avoid being caught by Wally Faust, and try to take over the world!

The chorus singing the usual end line sings in contrast with the infamous organ music from MfW.

CHOURUS{Slow, like the chanting] They're Pinky, Elmyra, and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, lactose!

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