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Fan Fics

Bye Bye Brainy
By Craig M. J. Marinaro


Yes, I suppose it would help if you'd seen the film Bye Bye Birdie, if you're one of those people who likes to know what's going on when you're reading a story. It's a lightweight, fun film, with some nice tunes--I'd recommend it, if you've got nothing better to do. And since you're sitting here reading fan fiction stories on the Internet, I can assume you don't.
Lotsa song parodies in this one, and basically just a lot of silliness. This ain't Chaucer, folks.
But, I do hope you enjoy it. I had fun writing it, anyways. Dig in!


[We open on a blue background as a newspaper comes spinning up. On it is a picture of Chicken Boo, in Elvis-ish rockstar garb, with the headline "Chick Says Nix," and the sub-line "Teen Rock Idol Conrad Chickie Leaving Music Career to Do Sitcom--Fans Show Their Deep Sorrow." The paper then flies offscreen, and we see Billie in a yellow dress against the blue B.G., singing.]

BILLIE: [Parody of "Bye Bye Birdie"]:
So long, Chickie
I'm sad to see you part
Soon your albums
Will be on discount at K-Mart!

No more sighing
When you sing way off-key
No more buying
All your rehash CD's!

I'll miss your bouffant 'do
And that reassuring smile
I'll watch your TV show
But be sighing all the while

So so long, Chickie!
Adieu and c'est la vie
Ciao, aloha, adios
And now you're gone from meeeee!

[We see shots of Washington, D.C. and its various landmarks as the opening credits flash, and an instrumental plays. Finally, the credits end, and we fade to the NYC branch of Acme Labs, as a more subdued version of the P&tB theme plays. Fade to the inside, where we see Brain sitting in a corner of the cage writing on a piece of paper. Billie sits on the floor in front of the Lab's TV. She glances at a clock on the wall and looks around impatiently. Finally, she gets up, walks over to the table that has the cage on it, and shouts to Brain, in the cage on the table above.]

BILLIE: Eggy, have you seen Pinky?

BRAIN: [From above; grumpily] I don't know...he said something about going on the "fun new whirly ride" or somesuch...

BILLIE: Fun new whirly ri--oh, no! He couldn't have--! [Dashes off. She rushes into the next room, where we see a paint mixer, with a can on it, shaking *VERY* hard. We hear Pinky screaming from inside. Billie gasps and quickly runs up to it, hitting the "STOP" button, and pulling the can off. She opens it and looks inside, to find Pinky looking quite a bit more vertiginous than usual, even.] Pinky! What did I tell you about going in the paint mixer?

PINKY: [Pondering heavily] Um...hm...er...eh...well...er...ooo, that's a toughie...mmm...ah, yes! I remember! [Very dramatically, and proudly.] You said, "Don't go in the paint mixer."

BILLIE: [Acting like she's leading up to something] Right...and what did you just do?

PINKY: Um...I rode the Lab's fun new whirly ride? Poit!

BILLIE: [Sighs] Never mind...anyway, c'mon! Today the ACME Network is airing an all-'60's marathon! You already missed classic reruns of Get Smart and Sea Hunt, but if you hurry, we can catch a classic installment of I Dream of Jeannie! [Whips out a human-sized "TV Guide", with Regis Philbin on the cover for the 90th time this season. She reads from it.] "When Tony runs out of toothpaste, he gets excessive plaque buildup, resulting in Jeannie being banished to the year 41 A.D., where she must assist in the assassination of Gaius Caesar." Sounds like a good one, eh?

PINKY: Oh, yes! Well, um...at least it beats Moesha...

BILLIE: Yeah, preferably with a big mallet...anyway, let's go! [Grabs Pinky by the arm and drags him off. They plop down on the couch, and on the TV, we see Jeannie doing that incredibly low-budget trick where she blinks her eyes and "magically" disappears. Suddenly, the network logo pops up and an announcer's voice comes up.]

ACME TV NETWORK ANNOUNCER: You are watching the ACME Television Network. As a result of the latest corporate megamerger, this channel is now a division of AOL-Time-Warner-EMI-Microsoft-Disney-Acme-Paramount-Sony-Fox-Fuji-Ford-Kellogg's-McDonald's-Hagen-Dazs-Palmolive-ToonZone-MGM/UA-Joe's Hardware of Chicopee, Connecticut, Inc. Therefore, we interrupt our "Party Like It's 1969" marathon to bring you 50 episodes of km in a row. [The TV cuts to a shot of a little yellow mouse flying through the air towards an evil-looking thing, at about three frames a second. Cut back to the mice]

BILLIE: Yech. Pop culture truly has gone to the dogs.

PINKY: Actually, there's no dogs in km! Just mice, and cats, and narwhales, and lions, and tigers, and bears, and dogs--

BILLIE: Eh--that's not what I meant, Pinky. Anyway, let's turn this thing off and go do something constructive. TV rots your brain anyhoo...

PINKY: I know! Let's play "Candy Land!" I just love that game--Mr. Mint and Gramma Nut and Professor Plum...

BILLIE: Just as long as we don't play "Mouse Trap" again...that game gives me th' will-- [Gasps]

[Billie is staring at the TV unresponsively. Pinky waves his hand in front of her for a moment, then looks at the TV. He's immediately transfixed too, and lets out a "Naaaaaarrrrrrrf..." We cut to the TV to see what they're looking at. On the TV, we see "Conrad Chickie" holding a guitar. He stares at the camera confusedly for a moment, then looks up, down, and to both sides. Then, looking back at the camera again, he lets out a short, to-the-point "Buk-kaw."]

BILLIE: It's not hard t'see why he's the most famous personality in America. He's *ALMOST* as cute as you, Pinky! Lookit that clefted chin, those deep brown eyes...

PINKY: Not to mention the feathers. POIT!

WB NETWORK ANNOUNCER: This Sunday at 9 PM, 8 Central, the WB proudly premieres The Huntsman Summertime Variety Hour! [Stock shot of the Huntsman tackling Candle Jack from "The Huntsman" theme, followed by a stock shot of him giving the thumbs-up.] In an attempt to build on the current popularity of superheroes, to revive the dead art form of the TV variety show, and to boost sagging summer ratings, we have slapped together this inexpensive, mildly amusing, but highly forgettable, summer replacement series, because we care about our viewers. In this week's edition, Conrad Chickie gives a fond farewell to the loving masses that have supported his career for the past three years. He also sneaks in several shameless plugs for his new sitcom, debuting Wednesday on the WB! So, remember, this summer, don't just be--WB!

[Suddenly, from above, we hear Brain shout a loud, triumphant "YES!" Pinky and Billie instantly turn upward to look up at Brain, atop the table, as the TV turns to a disgruntled-looking Daffy Duck hawking toilet paper, due to Warner Bros.' shameless licensing of their characters...]

BILLIE: Eggy? Are you alright?

BRAIN: [Poking his head over the edge of the table.] More than that! [He grabs a piece of paper from the table and folds it into an origami crane, as seen in "Brainania." He then pushes it over the edge of the table and hops into it, flying off the table, through the air. He looks uncharacteristically overjoyed, until the thing smacks into a wall, crushing the crane, and sending both mouse and paper plummeting into a trash can below, the former landing with a resounding "Gong!" He climbs out, looking rather beat. Holding the paper triumphantly overhead, he jumps from the top of the can, using the paper as a sort of parachute to lower himself safely to the ground.] [Rather proudly.] This, my friends, is a song that I myself wrote.

BILLIE: [Reading the paper, along with Pinky.] You wrote a song? Aw, that's sweet...takin' a break from world domination?

BRAIN: No, this was to be tonight's plan! This song is perfectly calibrated to hypnotize the unknowing public with its simplistic-but-heartfelt lyrics and unoriginal music. They will then be susceptible to my every word!

PINKY: Um...doesn't this sound a *LOT* like that "Bibby Bip Boop Bananafana Bo Bana" plan from a few years ago, Brain? I thought you said repletion was the scurvy of all genus!

BRAIN: [Ignoring that last remark.] Yes...*BUT*...this time, I will not have to rely on your inept assistance, as *I* will not be singing it myself! I'd already lined up Lou Bega to sing it on Donnie & Marie. [Throws us a rather comical "What-was-I-thinking" glance, then turns back to Pinky and Billie.] But, due to your listening to the television at an inordinately loud level, I overheard the advertisement for next Sunday's installment of *ahem* The Huntsman Summertime Variety Hour. Imagine if I could get Conrad Chickie, world-famous rock star, to sing *MY* song, as his last message to the world, before becoming a sitcom star! It's history in the making! *EVERYONE* will tune in! I'll get nationwide exposure!

BILLIE: Alright...but how d'ya expect to do that?

BRAIN: Leave it to me...but mark my words, by 10 PM Sunday night, 9 Central, the world will be within my grasp! [He clasps his fist and strikes a dramatic pose. Pinky and Billie, standing behind him at this camera angle, shrug at each other and turn back to the TV, which is now showing a clip of a fiery-looking km flying towards an icy-looking km.]

[We fade to Acme Acres, where we pan across the landscape, finally fading into a rabbit hole. Inside, we see Babs Bunny, sitting in front of a computer, chatting with Shirley the Loon. She sings along with what she's typing.]

[Parody of "Telephone Hour":]
BABS: Hey, Shirley!
SHIRLEY: [Heard via V/O singing what she's typing as well.] Yo, Babsy!
BABS: [Pulls out a "Varietoon" magazine and begins reading it, typing with her ears.] How's the Grapevine?
Dear Porcupine! [Lies down in the chair; she continues reading the magazine, and now types with her feet.]
What's the tale,
Killer whale?
SHIRLEY: [Speaking; sounding rather confused by this exchange.] Um, like, sher, whatever. But, anyhoo...
[Singing.] Have you heard the Warners got some new gags? [Babs sits up in shock immediately. Quick cut to:]

[Minerva Mink's tree. She sits by the computer, wearing her bathrobe, looking rather disinterested, as she chats with Trudy. She files her nails simultaneously.]
TRUDY: [V/O] Hi, Minerva!
MINERVA: [Speaking, and typing, in a very bored manner.] Hello Trudy....
TRUDY: How's it hangin'?
Orangoutang
MINERVA: [Singing to herself, scorning Trudy.] Please drop dead
Knucklehead
TRUDY: Did you hear they taught the old dogs new tricks?
MINERVA: [Shrugs indifferently and turns off the machine, then speaks to us.] Computers. Ew.

[Pull back to a four-way cut shot. Minerva taps her foot impatiently; the other three sing to the tune of the "Did they really get pinned..." verse.]
BS&T: Did they really promise?
Or is it to calm us?
Perhaps they felt qualm-es [Minerva begins to slip off the bathrobe; she glares at the camera.]
MINERVA: Beat it, Peeping Thomas! [Angrily pulls down a screen, and we see her silhouette slip out of the robe, as "Hello Nurse"-esque music plays.]

[We cut to each of the three respectively as they sing.]
TRUDY: No more "two places at once"!
SHIRLEY: No more "right behind us"!
BABS: Gone are those dumb stunts [Pull back to show the Warners, suddenly right behind her! I mean, *RIGHT BEHIND HER*!!!]
YAKKO: Oh, don't make such a fuss! [Babs screams.]

[Sudden cut to some fanboy who also happens to be the author of this story, singing much slower, as he types what appears to be an entry to the CRGA.]
FANBOY: In Episode four-o-
Six-dash-six-four-
Two, Carpolean's Black Hole Equation is--

[Cut to Skippy, on a computer in the tree, chatting with someone. "Pinned" verse again...]
SKIPPY: Well, I gosh-darn near choked
When I heard this new news
They just got some new jokes
No more "right behind youse"!

[Sudden cut to Slappy, who attempts to sing. Buster Bunny, Plucky Duck, the Goodfeathers, and Emmitt Nervend poke their heads in after every line to sing filler. The "goin' steady" verse...]
SLAPPY: They got new gags!
(MEN: How could they?)
SLAPPY: They got new gags!
(MEN: You're kidding, man!)
SLAPPY: They got new gags!
(MEN: Can't believe it, man...)

[Cut to the Goodfeathers on Scorcese's head. Squit types on a pigeon-sized laptop, as the other two dictate. "It won't last" verse.]
BOBBY: They'll soon be through
PESTO: Wit' dis fling
SQUIT: And back to their old tricks
BOBBY: Bada-bing!

['Nother quick cut to the nameless fanboy, on his 'puter...]
FANBOY: And in "Animani-rats"
On Slappy's TV screen
You can see Squit jump the Godpigeon...

[Cut to Buster & Plucky, seated next to each other at library computer terminals, each chatting with the Warners. The "heya Hugo" verse.]
BUSTER: Why'd ya do it?
PLUCKY: You betrayed us!
B&P: Your old gags were really hot
[The Warners pop out of Plucky's computer.]
WAKKO: Hey, don't blame us [They pop out of Buster's computer, too--two places at once!]
DOT(S): Our bits were famous! [They pop out of the computer of a familiar-looking fellow in the adjoining terminal--namely, Brainatra. THREE PLACES AT ONCE!!!]
*ALL* THE WARNERS: [The three in Brainatra's computer point at him.] But our writers are such big shots... [The three in Brainatra's computer give him a smooch, then hop out of the computer and begin harassing the various people in the library; the other two groups of Warners disappear back into their computers. We hear Brainatra mutter, "That was pointless," before returning to work.]

[Yet another sudden cut to the fanboyish nerd who has nothing better to do than write this drivel. Says he...]
FANBOY: Paul Rugg appears as
Himself in four-o-
Six-dash-six-eight-four-A

[We cut to Freakazoid, in cyberspace, as an instrumental of his theme music plays. He's riding a power surge, in the form of a wave, on a surfboard. The wave suddenly freezes, and he turns to us.]

FREAKAZOID: [Speaking.] I'm surfing the 'Net! [We cut to a live action audience, la "You Risk Your Life"/"Dexter's Date"/etc. They respond to the joke with polite laughter and applause. We then cut back to our hero, zooming along again, until he crashes up on what appears to be some sort of shore. All around him, he hears all the 'toons chatting online. We hear Babs, Shirl, & the girls singing the "Did they really promise..." verse, Slappy singing the "They got new gags" verse, and Buster, Plucky, & the guys singing the "Why'd ya do it?" verse, all simultaneously. Freak covers his ears, pulls at his hair, and writhes in pain. Finally, he can't take it anymore. All his veins pop out of his neck; he yells really, really loud.] ALRIGHT! THAT'S IT! YOU'RE MAKING ME REALLY ANGRY! NOW JUST STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!! DON'T MAKE ME COME UP THERE!!!!! [Suddenly, the singing stops, except the fanboy's voice, singing "And in 'Ralph's Wedding,' the--" he abruptly stops, as he realizes everyone else has.] [Calmed down.] That's better. Hm, now what'll I do? Hey, I know! I'll go look for downloads of cute hula girls! [Zooms off, then pokes his head back onscreen momentarily.] HULA GIRLS! [Runs off again.]

[We cut back to Brain at the Lab. He's talking standing next to a human-sized phone in the Lab, running back and forth between the earpiece and the mouthpiece, as Pinky did in "The Pinky & the Brain Reunion Special." The voice on the other end is heard to us only as "Wa-wa"s.]

BRAIN: Yes...yes...ah, but of course. Then it's settled? Perfect. Very well, I'll wait... [Billie Ray Cyprus' "Empty Hollow Head" starts playing from the phone as Brain is put on hold.]

BILLIE: [Walking up.] What's goin' on, Eggy?

BRAIN: I've convinced the execs to build the entire appearance around my song, "One Last Peck." They're creating a theme around it. In fact, right now I'm on hold, as they calling up some...*ahem*..."lucky" girl to get smooched by Chickie after sings my song. They think it'd be good PR.

PINKY: But, Brain, Conrad Chickie can't smooch anyone! Chickens don't *HAVE* lips! [Both Billie and Brain look rather oddly at Pinky for a moment, then decide to ignore him. The music stops playing and a voice comes on the phone.]

BRAIN: [Running back and forth again.] Yes...very well...then you found the girl? Excellent. I'll be there! Yes...goodbye! [Runs over to the telephone's main body, and jumps on top of the little clicky-hang-up thing, hanging up.] Pinky, Billie, pack your bags...we're going to Washington, D.C.! [Suddenly, the little clicky-hang-up thing pops back up, sending Brain flying across the room. We hear him smash into something offscreen, and Pinky and Billie again shrug at each other.]

[We wipe to Washington, D.C., a quiet-looking, average home. It has a white picket fence, a red car, two floors, white and pink flowers growing, green bushes, and flamingo lawn decorations--in short, the American Dream. We fade inside, to see Steff, from Freakazoid!, on the phone.]

STEFF: What...? Me...? Well, I--I--I don't know what to say! Oh, this is the greatest thing that ever--oh, thankyouthankyouthankyou-- [We hear a click as the people on the other end hang up.] Oh, this is *SO* great! Wait'll I tell Val... [We hear a car honking outside.] Huh...? [She runs to the window and sees Freakazoid sitting out front in the Freakmobile.] Oh! I almost forgot my date with Freakazoid! Oh, what'll I wear... [She opens the closet. She pulls out the dress she wore in "Dance of Doom," and Yakko & Wakko immediately pop out of it, followed by a reluctant Dot.]

YAKKO & WAKKO: Hellooooo, all-American-girl-next-door-Nurse! [They give her a smooch and run off.]

DOT: [Shrugs to Steff.] Boys. Whaddayagonnado? [Follows her brothers offscreen. Steff looks at us confusedly, then shrugs, puts the dress back, and walk downstairs wearing her usual sweatshirt and jeans. She comes outside and steps into the Freakmobile. She leans on our hero lovingly.]

STEFF: So, Freak...where do you wanna go tonight? [Cosgrove pokes his head up from the back seat.]

COSGROVE: [Holds up three tickets.] Well, I got tickets to the bijou. They're showing a marathon of films with James Garner in them tonight. I like him. After that we could go see the World's Largest Ball of Brillo.

FREAKAZOID: Alright! I'm there! [He puts the pedal to the metal and they zoom off.]

STEFF: [Whispering to Freakazoid.] Why'd you bring him?

FREAKAZOID: Well, he had nothing to do tonight and I felt bad for him...he was gonna stay home watching Andy Griffith reruns.

STEFF: Well, I guess it could've been worse... [Suddenly, the Lobe pokes his head out from the back seat.]

LOBE: Um...excuse me...I don't like to complain, Freakazoid, but Cosgrove is hogging the window seat.

COSGROVE: I am not.

LOBE: Yes you are, and it's not fair. You're always bullying me. I--

COSGROVE: Hey. Sit down and be quiet. [Lobe whimpers, and hangs his head dejectedly. Steff glares at Freakazoid and he grins sheepishly.]

FREAKAZOID: Well, he was lonely! He begged to come along. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's to see a grown brain with low self-esteem cry... [Steff lets out a "hmph" and turns to the window.]

[We cut to later in the night. It's now dark. The Freakmobile pulls back up in front of Steff's house. All of them are wearing crowns sculpted out of Brillo. Freakazoid and Steff get out, and he walks her to the door.]

STEFF: Thanks for the date, Freak. I had a great time. [She leans in and is about to kiss him, when we suddenly hear "The Trolley Song" ("Clang, clang, clang went the trolley...") blaring from the car's radio. Both spin around, surprised. We see Cosgrove bending over from the back seat, adjusting the radio.]

LOBE: No, no, no! We *ALWAYS* listen to what you want! I want to listen to something more highbrow! [He reaches forward and switches the channel to a station playing Tchaikovsky's "Sea in the Moonlight" from Swan Lake. Cosgrove immediately changes it back.]

COSGROVE: No. I like this song. [Singing along.] Chug, chug, chug went the motor...

[Freakazoid and Steff glare at the two.]

STEFF: Why don't you come inside for a minute, Freakazoid?

[Freakazoid turns red, starting at the toes, and going up to the top of his hair. Steam starts coming out his ears. His pupils turn into hearts. He gets down on all fours like a dog and goes, "Awwwooooo!", then starts to drool uncontrollably. He begins stomping his foot and shouting, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" Finally, he turns around to Steff. He licks his hand and slicks back his hair, adjusts his collar and says in a very calm manner:]

FREAKAZOID: 'k. [He takes her arm and the two walk inside.]

[Cut to the inside. The two sit at a table in the kitchen. Freakazoid is eating cookies and drinking milk. Steff is telling him about the "Conrad Chickie" thing.]

STEFF: ...and then the head of the WB network himself called me and told me that *I* get to kiss Conrad Chickie on national television! Isn't that just the coolest thing?

FREAKAZOID: [His mouth full of cookies, he swallows hard and speaks.] Oh, yeah! Wow, that's great! Y'know, I hear he's a darn good smoocher too! I'll bet you'll have a great time!

STEFF: Well, uh...um...aren't you a teeny bit...um...

FREAKAZOID: [In the middle of taking a drink of milk; as he speaks, he produces bubbles in the drink.] What?

STEFF: Um...jealous?

FREAKAZOID: Naw, not at all! [Looks at his watch and stands up.] Well, I gotta get going. I promised Cosgrove I'd get him home for the late-night showing of Car 54, Where Are You?

STEFF: But...but...

FREAKAZOID: Tut, tut! They're showing the one where Jan Murray goes over the edge after one verse too many of "By the Light of the Silvery Moon." That's one of Cosgrove's favorites! He'll *KILL* me if he misses it! Byeeeee! [Gives her a little peck on the cheek and walks out, singing "There's a holdup in the Bronx, Brooklyn's broken out in fights...there's a traffic jam in Harlem that's backed up to Jackson Heights..."]

STEFF: Oh, poo. What good is it kissing a totally droolable mega-teen heartthrob if it doesn't even make your boyfriend jealous?

[We cut to a bus depot in Washington, D.C., early the next morning. A bus pulls up, and we cut inside the bus, to see the three mice, from the back, leaving the bus, each carrying a suitcase. As soon as they hit the sidewalk, the bus zooms off, leaving them coughing in a cloud of smoke. Once the smoke clears, they face the city and begin to walk.]

BRAIN: Ah, what a lovely morning! The sun on your back, the wind on your fur...smell that fresh air! [Takes a deep breath, and then begins to cough again.]

BILLIE: So, eh, where're we stayin' until Sunday night?

BRAIN: [Pulls out a card.] The network was kind enough to book us a room at... [Reads the card.] ...the "One-Night Stand." Hm.

PINKY: Oooo, sounds like fun! Will we get complimental egg-and-pancake breakfasts? Num-meee!

BRAIN: Somehow I doubt it, my friend. I suppose I should have found out where we were staying *BEFORE* we arrived here. Well, it appears that's our only choice, unless--

PINKY: ...we stay with him?

BRAIN: Who?

PINKY: Him! [Points at Freakazoid, running down the street with his arms out, pretending to fly. He spots the mice, screeches to a stop, and then spins around and "flies" to them.]

FREAKAZOID: Hey, guys! My, it's been awhile...at least three or four major fanfic events have past since we last met!

BRAIN: Yes, that inane and completely gratuitous cameo of yours in our otherwise straightforward drama, "Circle Closing In."

FREAKAZOID: Well, gee, this is all so sudden and contrived...but if you're looking for a place to stay, my door is always open! My home is your home!

BRAIN: [Gratefully.] Really? Well that's--

FREAKAZOID: Sure! Besides, my alterego Dexter needs some mice to experiment on for his school project! [He places the mice on his shoulders, and then "flies" off for his home. When he arrives, he rushes around a corner of the house and shouts, "Freak in!" He changes into Dexter. He suddenly notices two eyes peering through the holes in the fence separating his yard from his neighbor's. He screams.]

DEXTER: Yah! How much did you see?! [The head pokes up above the fence--well, only up the bridge of the nose. The fellow is wearing a fishing hat and has kindly-looking eyes.] Oh, hi, Wilson. How ya doing?

WILSON: Fine, fine. That process ya got there is pretty neat. Wanta know what happens when you spin around three times really fast shouting "Huggbees"?

DEXTER: Nah, I gotta go hide these super-intelligent mice from my parents. [Holds up the three mice, then runs to the back door of his house.]

WILSON: [Shouting after him.] Hey, wait, don't you have any family problems or life crises that I can give you sage neighborly advice on?

DEXTER: Nope!

WILSON: Oh...well...okay, then. [Sighs.]

[As Dex walks into the house with the mice, we hear his mother shout from the next room.]

DEBBIE: Is that you, Dexter?

DEXTER: Er...yes, Mom. [She walks into the room.]

DEBBIE: I hope you remembered to--OH! Sweet merciful heavens, Dexter, get those filthy rat-things out of here!

DEXTER: But I need them for my science proj--

DEBBIE: OUT!

BRAIN: [Stepping out of Dexter's hand onto the table.] Er...actually, madam, you misjudge us. We are not your common everyday vermin, but rather, we represent the Warner Bros. television network! We're here to welcome rock sensation Conrad Chickie to your small, peaceful community of--ah, Washington, D.C.--to kiss one lucky girl and sing a song that I wrote. The proceedings will be broadcast all across the country.

DEBBIE: So?

BRAIN: [Hesitantly] Sooooo...if you'll allow us access to your happy home until Sunday night, we may be able to repay you by getting you a spot on television!

DEBBIE: Ooo, goody! Douglas, hon, come listen to what this small elf-like man has to say! [Douglas walks out.] Tell him what you told me, hon!

BRAIN: Er...if you let us use your house over the weekend, we *MAY* be able to get you *BRIEFLY* onscreen on the WB--

DOUGLAS: What? The Douglases on TV? Why, worms and weasels, to flyndiggery with the used car lot...we're going to be national celebrities! Why, it almost makes me want to break into song... [We blur to a fantasy shot of the four Douglas family members in heavenly blue-ish lighting, dressed in chorus outfits, as music begins to swell. Dexter looks more than a little uncomfortable, and Duncan looks a bit peeved.]

[We promptly fade back to reality before they can start singing, as Billie interrupts.]

BILLIE: Eh-heh...can we be excused for a moment?

DOUGLAS: Eh...? Oh, sure! [Looks at his family lovingly.] Worms and weasels, what a lucky guy I am! C'mon, group hug, group hug! [The whole family goes in to hug, Dexter looking rather reluctant. Before Dexter can reach the family, Duncan gives him a hard punch in the arm, sending him down to the floor holding it, saying, "Owowowowow..."] Dexter! Stop writhing in pain and get up here to hug your family!

[We cut to the mice in the next room.]

BILLIE: Egghead, how exactly are we gonna get *THEM* on the show?

BRAIN: Oh, the execs won't mind...after all, we've provided them with the perfect "goodbye" song for their little ceremony. They'll surely do us some small little favor...

BILLIE: They'd better...lookit how happy these people are! We can't disappoint them!

[The three mice look into the next room. The family rushes about excitedly.]

DOUGLAS: ...and call everyone in our Yahtzee club! We're gonna be on TV!

BRAIN: I think this was a big mistake...

[We cut to that night, as Dexter and Steff talk in the back yard.]

DEXTER: Well, uh...the thing is...um...

STEFF: [Sighs] You're jealous, aren't you?

DEXTER: No! It's just that--all the guys are making fun of me because my girlfriend is kissing Conrad Chickie on national television! I mean, how would you feel if *I* was kissing Conrad Chickie on national television?

STEFF: [Thinks for a moment, then gives an unconvincing smile.] I'd be OK with it.

DEXTER: [Looks rather rattled by this for a moment, then shakes his head.] Look...it's just, my self-confidence is low enough without--

STEFF: You! You! [Sighs] You boys can be so self-centered...

[Dexter marches off to a corner of the yard, steaming.]

DEXTER: Rrrr...FREAK OUT! [He changes to Freakazoid.]

STEFF: If you think it's going to help if you beg in your 'Freakazoid' persona, you're wrong!

FREAKAZOID: I'm *NOT* going to beg! Why should I beg? I could get any girl I wanted! Why, just look at these rippling muscles! This adorable face! The spandex suit! The--none of this is changing your mind, is it?

STEFF: No.

FREAKAZOID: [Jumping down to her feet, begging on his hands and knees.] Oh, pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!

STEFF: Oh, why can't you ever see things from *MY* perspective, Freakazoid?

[Freakazoid stands up and dusts himself off, trying to look as dignified as he possibly can. Then, his veins start popping out of his neck, his face turns red, and he begins to sing. Parody of "Kids"]:

FREAKAZOID:
Girls!
They won't chat when you wanna conversate
Then
They'll drone on when you want to osculate
Girls
Before a date
They'll make you wait for hours
Inconsistent, insistent
Distant, resistant
People
And while I'm still on-topic

STEFF:
Boys!
Their idea of rapture's a double header
Boys!
Some soap might cure that repulsive fetor [At this, Freakazoid lifts his arm and smells his armpit.]
Boys can be unromantic
No passion, and zilch finesse
So I'm lonely, amour or less

FREAKAZOID:
Girls!
Think that we're the snake and that they're the charmer
STEFF:
Boys!
Paradigmal Knight in Tin-Foil Armor
Boys
Will buy useless garbage [Holds up one of Dexter's action figures--Yak Face from the Star Wars set.]
But never get a girl a gift
FREAKAZOID:
Hey, those gifts are pricey
Miss Sugar-and-Spicey
Madam
Etsketra, infinitum!

FREAKAZOID:
Girls!
Before you know it, they want to settle down and marry
STEFF:
Boys!
Can we see just one movie without Jim Carey?
[Both stop and look at each other rather remorsefully for a moment]
STEFF:
I know I can be trying
Can you forgive me, pun'kin?
FREAKAZOID: [Looking through a paper's film listings]
We'll see some other actor
Howabout Big Mike Duncan?
STEFF:
Here, let me do your laundry
Is that suit preshrunken?
FREAKAZOID: [By this point, visibly straining to make the bad rhymes fit]
We know we'll be alright, dear
S'long as we keep on truckin'
STEFF:
C'mon inside, I'll make you
Some tasty tea and mutton
FREAKAZOID:
We'd best stop singing now, or
This song will sure be suuuuunkeeeeen
FREAKAZOID & STEFF:
What's the matter with (girls / guys)
Yeah, what's the matter with (girls / guys)?
Nothing's the matter with (girls / guys) today!

[Suddenly, applause and cheering arise from nowhere, as if there were a studio audience. The two bow.]

FREAKAZOID: See, *ALL* couples should solve their problems through song. [The unseen audience laughs. The two kiss, and the audience claps. We cut to the mice in their room in the Douglases' house. Billie and Pinky are watching the scene outside through the window, smiling as Freakazoid and Steff hug. Billie glances for a moment at Pinky, and puts her arm around his shoulders. Pinky doesn't take it as anything more than a friendly gesture and doesn't resist. Meanwhile, Brain speaks into a mouse-sized phone that he got from who-knows-where...]

BRAIN: WHAT?! What do you *MEAN* we're being--but that's outrageous! I demand to know--WHO?!? Rrrr...well, same to you! [Slams the phone down.]

BILLIE: Trouble, Eggy?

BRAIN: YES! They're cutting our featured segment down to two minutes, because the Huntsman insists on the opportunity to show off his own so-called "talents"...apparently, some deranged villain has notified *AHEAD* of time that he plans on invading the studio during the filming of the show, and the Huntsman wants to develop a display of derring do around his dauntless defeat of the dastardly ne'er-do-well.

PINKY: Oh, nice alliteration, Brain!

BRAIN: Thank you, Pinky...unfortunately, all this means they will also be cutting my entire song! He'll only be able to kiss the girl, take a bow, and plug his show in that amount of time! [Brain sighs, walks into a corner, and slumps down.] Blast. Yet another failure. You know, after a few thousand times, it does get a bit...redundant.

PINKY: [Jumping off the window sill and running over to Brain.] Oh, don't worry, Brain! Things'll look happier in the morning! Every dark cloud has a silver undermining! After all...
[Out of nowhere, someone offscreen throws Pinky a straw hat and cane. He begins to dance around as he sings; parody of "Put on a Happy Face"]:
So life seems like a bummer
And nothing's goin' your way
Ev'ry day'll be like summer
Let in that sunshine ray!
Brush up your fav'rite smirk
Don't make a stink
You'll soon feel so perk-y
That you'll be tickled pink!

It's no fun being grumpy
It's better if you're content
The road of life is bumpy
Make your pit stops frequent [Brain looks at him questioningly after this line, and Pinky shrugs with a look that says, "It rhymed..."]
So when you're feeling low, out and down
Just turn that frown right around!

[Billie chimes in--she somehow has a cane and hat too.]
BILLIE: Why not let out a chuckle?
Crying is such a drag
PINKY: As you trudge through the muck-le
Don't let that simper sag
BILLIE: Why do you rush so frantically
To get work done?
PINKY: Life's so much more enchantically
When you have fun!

PINKY: What good is having the Earth
BILLIE: When you can't enjoy it?
PINKY: You have to learn to spread mirth
BILLIE: And how to employ it
PINKY & BILLIE: When you're lying in the drink facedown
Just turn that frown right around!

[Both put their arms out and land on their knees with huge smiles, looking like they're expecting applause. Instead, Brain looks rather displeased and sits with his arms crossed. Pinky & Billie, looking rather disappointed, stand up and dust themselves off.]

BRAIN: That's all well and good, but we've still got work to do! Come... [Walks off. The other two follow.]

[We fade to the set of The Huntsman Summertime Variety Hour. The audience is settling into their seats. The set consists of a desk, with a cheesy-looking cityscape backdrop. We cut back stage, to see the Huntsman in his dressing room, sitting at a bureau, staring in the mirror. He looks uncharacteristically confident and pleased. Two women stand around him putting makeup on him, and a man is shining the Huntsman's teeth with a floor polisher. A producer-type stands by with Chickie, who glances around jerkily.]

HUNTSMAN: Ah, I've never felt so alive! This is my big break! I'm already getting film offers! [Strikes a daring pose in the mirror.] Oh, you devil you...you've finally hit it big.

CHICKIE: [A bit disgruntled-sounding] Buk-buk-b'kaw?

HUNTSMAN: [Looking at the producer] What did he say?

PRODUCER: He says you cut his bit down. You hurt his feelings.

HUNTSMAN: [To Chickie] Oh, don't whine. You're lucky you're getting this little spot. After all, this is *MY* show...all these people didn't come here to see you. [Chickie lets out a huffy cluck, and marches out with his beak pointed up.] [To the Producer.] That's the downside to being famous. Everyone is jealous. But you have to learn to take it in stride, and not let the little people bother you too much. [He picks up a book entitled The Top Ten Secrets to Success in Prime Time Television.] Hm...it says here that the Number One way to be successful in prime time television is to use the word "butt" as frequently as possible. Verrry informative. [He stands up and grins into the mirror.] I'm ready for my close-up. [Suddenly, he flips backwards to the other side of the room, simultaneously ripping out an acorn-shaped grenade from his belt. He bites off the stem as he's still suspended in midair, and as he lands in a heroic pose, he chucks the thing to the other side of the room, blowing up the bureau, and causing the wall to collapse. The Producer sticks his head out of the rubble and glares at the Huntsman. The Huntsman grins sheepishly.] Uh...sorry. I got a bit carried away.

[We cut back to the set. Suddenly, a drumroll starts. Spotlights begin flying around the theater. A familiar announcer voice pipes up.

JOE THE ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for...that charismatic, magnanimous, altogether nice guy of a superhero...THE HUNTSMAN!!! [The spotlights all focus on the sidestage door where the Huntsman is supposed to enter. Instead, he swings down from the ceiling on a rope. On the way across, he whisks off many hats and toupees, including William Shatner's. The shiny-headed Shatner puts him arms out and exclaims, "I'm free!" The Huntsman, however, misses his planned landing destination of the desk, and accidentally goes flying across the stage, and kicks Joe in the jaw. Both of them land in a heap on the side of the stage. Joe gets up and dusts himself off.]

HUNTSMAN: I'm sorry...I didn't mean to injure you...it was an accident.

JOE: Oh, forget this! And I'm doing this for scale? It's not bad enough they take away my pride and my own satisfaction with my career--that they humiliate me by handing me this wretched copy! [Holds up a page of dialogue.] Must I be physically abused, too? Well, I've had enough. I don't need this...I could get a much better summer job! I'm going to New York, to play Shakespeare in the park! [He clears his throat and marches off, reciting Shakespearean sonnets as he goes]:
By many a dern and faithful perch
Of Pericles the careful search,
By the four opposing coigns
Which the world together joins...

[The Huntsman looks somewhat bewildered; then, he stands up, puts his hands on his hips, and flashes the audience a willing smile. The "APPLAUSE" sign above his head flashes. But none comes. The Huntsman looks a bit perturbed and crestfallen. But he shrugs it off as he walks over to the desk dramatically, as a few instrumental bars of his theme play. He stands over the desk with his hands resting on the surface in another really cool-looking pose.]

HUNTSMAN: So...ah...let me tell you, folks...a funny thing happened on the way to the studio tonight...a guy walked up to me on the street and told me he hadn't had a fight in weeks, so I whupped his...butt. [Waits for the laughter--nothing.] Hm...well, er...moving on... [He plops into the chair, and reads off a card that he picks up off the desk.] Tonight's guests include retiring rock superstar Conrad Chickie, fashion expert Fabrizio Ditzio, Fresno Butternuggets star forward D'angelo "Jellyhead" Betas, and noted actress Weena Mercator. But first, I-- [Suddenly, a country-ish beat comes up from the orchestra. An ugly-looking cat-thing in a mask comes stumbling in, singing (or more accurately, shouting) in a stupid-sounding dialect.]

CAT-THING:
Someone swiped my ham sandwich, whilst drivin' into work...
Was it James or Jarod or Ed? Yes, friend, those guys is jerks...

HUNTSMAN: [Standing up.] Hold it, hold it! [The music stops abruptly.] Who is this-- [Points accusingly at the alien.] --this...clown?

PRODUCER: [Whispering from offstage.] Er--he's your sidekick, Huntsman! Every deadpan superhero-turned-talk-host needs a moronic buffoon to provide wacky comic relief!

HUNTSMAN: I have no idea what you're talking about...but remove this pest from the set before I blow a gasket... [Two men quickly run on, pick the guy up, and drag him off.] Thank you. Hm...this isn't turning out to be quite the magical evening I was hoping for. [The audience beings chanting "We want Chickie! We want Chickie!" over and over. The Huntsman clenches his teeth and glares.] Yes, you'll see your blasted Chickie! Keep your trousers on! But I wanna do *MY* skit... [Glances at his watch, then mutters to himself.] I wonder what could possibly be keeping this Cave Guy character...

[We cut to a shot of Cave Guy sitting in a taxi, looking at a clock on a local building. We pull back to see that they're stuck in a traffic jam that goes on as far as the eye can see.]

CAVE GUY: Oh, phooey on this...if this is what one must bear to get to an opening night via car, one may as well take the primitive way out and *WALK*... [We cut to the outside of the car. He rips the roof off from the inside, then jumps up on top, roaring and holding the roof above his head. He throws it offscreen and jumps across the tops of the cars in the jam, on his way to the studio...]

[We cut to the studio, exterior. Pinky stands on the curb, and as he spots Cave Guy in the distance, he goes running inside, to where Brain and Billie are sitting in the audience.]

PINKY: [Whispering] Brain! Brain! Some big, blue, hulking guy in a loincloth is running down the street toward the studio!

BRAIN: [Jumping out of his seat.] Yes, that sounds like it might be him...to your stations! [Billie and he jump out of their chairs, and the three run off.]

BILLIE: [As they run; huffing] So, eh, what is this complex plan of yours?

BRAIN: You'll see soon enough...

[We cut to the Huntsman onstage, being upstaged by "Jellyhead" from the P&tB episode "Hoop Schemes." Huntsman looks visibly annoyed, as he sits slumped at the desk, muttering under his breath.]

JELLYHEAD: You wanna see *ME* do the Jellyhead Jump? [Cut to a live action audience, clapping.] You wanna see *ME* do the Jellyhead Jump? [Cut back to the audience; they act a bit less enthusiastic, and clap on a lower scale.] You wanna see *ME* do the *JELLYHEAD JUMP*? [Audience; one or two people clap.] YOU WANNA SEE *ME* DO THE *JELLYHEAD JUMP*?!?!? [Audience; dead silence, except that a whiny voice similar to Hercules in A!'s "Hercules Unwound" shouts out, "No! Go 'way!"]

HUNTSMAN: [Irritated] We've seen the blasted Jellyhead Jump twenty times already! [Smashes the desk with his fists; it splinters.] Darnit, that stinking Cave Guy was supposed to be here twenty minutes ago! What is this world coming to, when a villain can just stand a hero up like this? It's just uncivilized, is all... [Suddenly, a giant crash comes from offscreen. A familiar voice pipes up.]

CAVE GUY: [Offscreen] Oh, yes...boorish, even! [The camera whizzes to Cave Guy, holding the studio door over his head. He chucks it offscreen, and grins evilly at Huntsman. The Huntsman jumps up on top of the pile of wood formerly known as "desk." He fixes his gaze on Cave Guy, straightens his shoulders, strikes an immortal pose, and lets a twisted grin sneak onto his face.]

HUNTSMAN: So, Cave Guy...we meet again. [He leans forward, getting ready to pounce in for the kill. Cave Guy, too, leans forward, ready to spring at a moment's notice. We cut back and forth between the two a few times, from very dramatic camera angles--each more dramatic than the last! On the soundtrack, we hear the Horn of Urgency blowing, to signify that the Huntsman is about to lunge. Then, he shouts:] Into action! [...and leaps into the air, sending himself flying at Cave Guy. A very adventurous, suspenseful version of the "Huntsman" theme plays. Suddenly, we cut to the mice, sitting atop the doorway above Cave Guy. They hold a net.]

BRAIN: NOW!

[The three drop the net, and Cave Guy is suddenly trapped within it. The Huntsman, still flying through the air, gets a look of bewilderment on his face. He lands at the feet of the captured Cave Guy. As he looks up to see the vanquished villain, he looks about ready to cry for a moment. Then he pulls himself together and merely walks offstage in a state of absolute dejectedness, without saying a word. Once he's offscreen for a few moments, we hear him shout at the top of his lungs, "DARN!!!!!" We cut to the mice, as they jump down from the doorway.]

BILLIE: *THAT* was your ingenious plan? Drop a net on him?

BRAIN: It worked, didn't it?

BILLIE: [Stuttering] Yeh, but...but...eh. [Waves her hand at Brain as if to say, "Forget it."]

BRAIN: Now, let's go get Chickie...he's still got plenty of time to sing my song! [The three rush backstage, and come out pushing Chickie by his heels. They stop in center stage. Steff walks on wearing a wearing a neat little ensom-blay. She has her hands clasped in front of her, and looks incredibly excited. Chickie fixes his hair, holds up his guitar, and strums it once. Then, the band strikes up. Chickie suddenly begins singing (!!!) in an Elvis-esque way. The Warners poke their heads onscreen to sing backup.]

CHICKIE: [Singing; parody of "One Last Kiss"]:
One last peck
Hey, sweetie, one last peck
Please don't take a raincheck
Oh, come on, what the heck
I really need romance
(WARNERS: Yep, yep, yep)
Just gimme one last peck!

Hey, girl, it is the pits
Why do we hafta split?
You know I'll pay the cheque
Don't think I gallivant
I'll switch deoderants
But gimme one last peck

[As the band does an instrumental, he starts dancing around the stage in a very funky way. In fact, the way he wiggles his waist is so suggestive that camera suddenly zooms in to a closer shot, to avoid showing his swiveling hips. He then marches in to give Steff a smooch. He puts one wing around her back and the other around her hips, and swoops her off her feet as he gives a long smooch. When he sets her down, she has a dazed smile on her face. He stands up straight--and as he goes to straighten his hair, he find to his horror that it's gone! He feels around his head, then glances around frantically. He then looks out at the audience, but they don't even seem to notice. The band finishes their solo, and he begins to sing again. We cut to Brain, who looks absolutely overjoyed.]

BRAIN: YES! Just one more chorus, and the world will be putty in my all-powerful hands! [Billie and Pinky look at each other with mixed looks of joy and worry.]

[But as Chickie begins the next verse, the Warners tiptoe across the back of the stage. They grin at us slyly, and put their fingers up to their noses simultaneously, shushing us. They then cheerfully begin to pull at a rope off the side of the stage, raising the curtain at the back of the stage. We see none other than Emmitt Nervend standing there, with his usual wide smile and stiff position, but he's singing (!!!) in a deep tone--Chickie is merely lip-synching his words! He continues for a few more lines, and Chickie, not realizing what's going on behind him, continues mouthing the words.]

CHICKIE: [Still singing]:
Oh, one last peck
Sweetie, one last peck
On your lips or on your neck
You're makin' me a wre--
[Suddenly, Emmitt runs off. He has his tense-looking hands placed up over his face as if he's crying, although we can see through his fingers that his tight smile is as wide as ever. Joe the Announcer appears out of nowhere and rushes up to the microphone on stage.]

JOE: Ladies and gentlemen, stop that man! That man running down the aisle! Stop him! That's the man whose voice you heard and loved tonight! He's the real star of the show! Emmitt Nervend!

[The crowd stops Emmitt from running out the entrance. He looks around, then up at Joe, never changing his expression. We cut to a few kids in the audience. One of them is holding a "Smurfs" lunchbox; another is wearing a "California Raisins" cap; and the third is wearing a Bart Simpson T-shirt.]

KID # 1: Well, this fad is over...

KID # 2: Took long enough.

KID # 3: Hey, ya wanna come to my house? We could play with my Pogs and Keroppi dolls!

KIDS # 1 & 2: Okay! [The three run off.]

[We cut to the stage, where we see Brain sitting dejectedly on the ground, with Pinky and Billie trying to console him.]

BRAIN: [Miserably] Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

PINKY: I think so, Brain, but what exactly *ARE* "joo joo eyeballs"? [Brain looks as if he's going to say something condescending, when suddenly, Douglas, Debbie, & Duncan rush in and trample the three mice. They're dressed in sparkly suits, and proceed to sing--Debbie and Duncan sing backup as Douglas takes the lead.]

DOUGLAS: [Singing]:
If the nightingale
Could sing like you
He'd sing much sweeter than he-- [He looks out into the audience to see that everyone's gone.]
[Speaking] But...but...this was going to be my big break! Where is everyone?

DEBBIE: [Cheerfully] It looks like they all left. Too bad you sold the used car lot, blew all our money on these costumes, and preordered a $1200 dinner at a 5-star restaurant after the show. That'll teach you to put all your eggs in one basket.

DOUGLAS: [Dejectedly; walking off with his family following, the mother with a stupid smile on her face.] Aw...but it seemed like such a sure thing...

[We cut to the audience; we see that Freakazoid and Cosgrove are just getting out of their chairs, and stretching.]

FREAKAZOID: [Doing an impossibly exaggerated stretch gag.] Well, that was a whole lot of nothing...now how're we gonna spend the rest of our night? [Cosgrove picks up a book entitled Washington, Do & See! He flips it open.]

COSGROVE: It seems the Ice Shack is having an ice cube-eating contest...whoever can down the most cubes in thirty minutes gets a Beginners' Tong Set. Before the contest starts, they're gonna have an ice skating show adaptation of the film Basic Instinct, and an ice sculpture of Janet Reno.

FREAKAZOID: [Shudders] Talk about cold...

COSGROVE: Y'know, sometimes when I think about all the neat, happy stuff there is to do in the world, I feel like I could explode.

FREAKAZOID: Well, then, why don't you sing about it?

COSGROVE: [Looks puzzled for a moment, then says:] Okay. [Singing; parody of "A Lotta Livin' to Do"]:
There are horns
That make funny noises
And there's straws
Of great v'riety
How to choose?
Life's full of such choices
I've got a ton of neat stuff to see

Yes, there's slinkies
Just waitin' for slinkin'
And there's licorice pipes
All ready to chew
Better rush
It's gone in a blinkin'
There's quite a bunch of neat stuff to do

There's cream to be whipped
Soda to pop
Root beer to float
Let's go now
No time to dote

Life is fun
So be glad and chipper
Follow the sun
Be all you can be
Get out there
Win one for the Gipper
We've got a load of neat stuff to see

[Cut back up to the stage, and Brain.]
BRAIN:
There's a world
Just ripe for the pickin'
And the pickin'
Is what I pursue
Though each night
I take quite a lickin'
I've got a share of conq'rin' to do

There's mountains to mount
Valleys to cross
Rivers to ford
At least I'll
Never be bored

I'm willing to
Go that extra mile
Through the rain
Sleet, snow, hail, and dew
And someday
It'll all be worthwhile
I've got a great deal of dominating to do

HUNTSMAN:
I need some crime
Oh, curse this darned slow streak
JOE:
I want to act
Do spit takes on cue
PRODUCER:
Need a show
That's dowdy and yet chic
HJ&P:
But what the heck are we s'posed to do?

HUNTSMAN: I gotta fight crooks
JOE: Gotta perform
PRODUCER: Go with the flow
HJ&P: Even when
Life's kinda slow

[By now, everyone's made their way up to the stage, and stand like a chorus for the final verse.]
COSGROVE:
Simple things
Like hardened linoleum
Are real swell
To cure the blues
ALL:
So hang on
Be...uh, do... [They stop, stuck for a good rhyme. Various utterances of "Uh...um...er..." can be heard. A few shout out suggestions.]

BRAIN: Plutonium?
FREAKAZOID: Spumoni-um?
PINKY: Zamboni-um?
BILLIE: Macaroni-um?
CAVE GUY: Abalone-um?
PESTO: Rigatoni-um?
WAKKO: Hend? Hend?
COSGROVE: Hang on...I've got it now. "Don't be melancholium." Stretch the "o" so it makes a long "o" sound instead of a hard "a."
CAVE GUY: [Still under the net] Look, I hate to be a bother, but I'm due for a pedicure at 3 on the dot...
PRODUCER: We're burning money, people!
BRAIN: [Tapping foot impatiently.] Let's just get this thing done with.
FREAKAZOID: Works for me! Big finish, people--roll 'em!
[They all get back into their places and begin singing again.]

ALL:
So hang on
[Stressing the "o" as Cosgrove said to; holding out for a ridiculous amount of time.]:
Don't be melanchoooooliuuuuum

O/S VOICE: [Butting in, much to the puzzlement of those onstage; he picks up the pace considerably]:
I'll take this town on, one-on-one
All bets are down, it's all or none
I'm ready now, I have no doubt
I'll eat it up and spit it out

ALL: [Shrugging and finishing it off]:
We got a heckuva lotta neat stuff, neat stuff, neat stuff, neat stuff, neat stuff, neat stuff, neat stuff, neat stuff...tooooo dooooo!

[They all let out a sigh that the thing is finally over and begin to disperse.]

PINKY: But Brain, what about all the unanswered questions? Like, who was that O/S Voice who butted in much to our puzzlement, and picked up the pace so considerably?

BRAIN: Pinky, how many times have I told you to stop reading the stage directions? [Someone clears their throat behind them. The two turn around, and as we cut to their P.O.V., we see Emmitt Nervend done up in garb that looks like a combination of the Beatles, Elton John, and Ritchie Valens (now there's an image...). At one side is the Producer, holding a freshly-signed contract, and on his other side is Steff, who who is down on her knees hugging the little fella and stroking his hair.]

PRODUCER: Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to take this opportunity to introduce the world's next great rock sensation--EMMITT!

[Everyone groans and marches off, some muttering under their breath. The three mice stand alone in the center of the stage.]

BILLIE: Well, that was a whole lotta nothing. [She yawns.] Mind if we head home now, Eggy? If we hurry, we could get back in time for Conan...

BRAIN: Then let's go particularly slow. Now, come! I must plan for tomorrow night...

PINKY: Why, Brain? What are we gonna do tomorrow night?

[Brain and Billie glance at each other.]

BRAIN: [Politely] Would you like to tell him, or shall I?

BILLIE: [Courteously] You do the honors.

BRAIN: Very well... The same thing we do every night, Pinky--TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

[Billie nods approvingly. Pinky looks as if this is a shocking revelation. Billie smiles lovingly at him, and follows Pinky & Brain out the door.]

ELVIS-ISH SINGER: [In old-time rock 'n' roll style]:
They're dinky
They're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain

[A few notes of a riff on "We Love You, Conrad" play, followed by the inevitable "bum-bum-bum-bum!"]

[Roll credits. Afterward, we zoom to a clip from earlier in the show, as was the tradition in the second season of Freakazoid! We see Brainatra sitting at a library terminal. He mutters, "That was pointless," and returns to work. Roll AMBLIN / WB logos.]

 


LONG, BORING DISCLAIMER

The Brain, Pinky, Billie, Freakazoid/Dexter Douglas, Steff, Chicken Boo, The Huntsman, Sgt. Cosgrove, The Lobe, Cave Guy, Douglas Douglas, Debbie Douglas, Duncan Douglas, Yakko Warner, Wakko Warner, Dot Warner, Babs Bunny, Minerva Mink, Shirley the Loon, Skippy Squirrel, Slappy Squirrel, Squit, Pesto, Bobby, Buster Bunny, Plucky Duck, Minerva's friend Trudy, Joe the Announcer, Candle Jack, Daffy Duck, D'angelo "Jellyhead" Betas, Emmitt Nervend, and all other Pinky & the Brain, Freakazoid!, Animaniacs, Tiny Toon Adventures, and Looney Tunes characters, elements, and other indicia are ™ and Warner Bros. Inc., a Time Warner company. Used without permission, but no profit is made and no harm is intended.

Original Bye Bye Birdie songs by Charles Strouse & Lee Adams.

Bye Bye Birdie and all related elements Michael Stewart & Paramount Pictures, Inc. (film version)

I Dream of Jeannie Sidney Sheldon & Columbia TriStar Pictures, Inc.

The Smurfs Pierre Peyo & Hanna-Barbera Productions, Inc.

The California Raisins Will Vinton Studios.

Bart Simpson Matt Groening & Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation.

"The Trolley Song" by Hugh Martin & Ralph Blane.

"Car 54, Where Are You?" by John Strauss & Nat Hiken.

"You Brought a New Kind of Love to Me" by Pierre Norman Connor, Irving Kahal, & Sammy Fain.

Brainatra, "That was pointless," Library Computer Terminals, and all other related indicia and miscellania is himself and is used without permission.

FIND EMMITT NERVEND: Twice in this fanfic.

MORAL OF THE STORY: You can't rhyme "linoleum." But thanks to Romey for trying anyhow.

Whatever's left is 2000 Craig Marinaro. All rights reserved, except the rights to use for commercial gain, plagiarizing either in whole or part, or redistributing without my permission.

Send all Comments & Queries to: Craig@toonzone.net


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