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BRAIN ANALYSIS
by Jennifer Lynn Weston

(Brain Has A Chance Encounter With The Warner Siblings, Which Becomes
An Impromptu Psychoanalytical Session)


Yakko: Hiya, Brain! Where’s Pinky?

Brain: I gave Pinky the day off. It’s his designated birthday.

Wakko: ‘Designated birthday’? How does that compare with the regular kind?

Brain: Neither of us knows our actual birth dates. But Pinky wanted a day to celebrate his, so he selected it by flicking a spoonful of mashed potato at a wall calendar.

Dot: Whatcha doing with this big satellite-dish-laser gizmo?

Brain: Guess.

Wakko: Still trying to conquer the planet, Brainy? Couldn’t you learn to be happy doing something else?

Brain: Such as?

Dot: How about using your impressive intellectual capacities to solve world problems?

Brain: To use your own vernacular: You just don’t get it, do you? I have developed solutions to world problems, but nobody pays attention because I’m a lab mouse.

Yakko: Oh, I see! You want to become World Ruler so people will take you seriously.

Brain: Yes.

Dot: So you can use your talents for the benefit of all.

Brain: Yes!

Wakko: So you’ll be appreciated and applauded.

Brain: Yes!

Yakko: So you can get back at everyone who’s treated you like an animal.

Brain: Yes!  (beat)  I mean, that is,....

Yakko: Oh, don’t hold it in, Brainy- it’s kinna understandable.

Dot: (melodramatic) Here you are, one of the most gifted minds of our time;  yet humans think the only use you have is to be a subject in laboratory experiments.

Wakko: That’s gotta hurt.

Brain: (flinching) It does. In every sense.

Wakko: So you work hard to improve your situation, and what do you get for it? You get blown up, squished, electrocuted, squished, hurled into brick walls, squished...

Brain: There’s no need to recite the whole catalogue.

Yakko: It must make you angry.

Brain: Indeed. I do admit to a certain rage within me. I derive much of my determination from it.

Wakko: It also makes a person wonder, what kind of World Ruler you’d be.

Dot:  Maybe you should deal with this problem before you pursue your ambitions any further?

Brain: Spare me your psychobabble! I happen to know you brats haven’t even graduated from grade school yet; you’re hardly qualified to...

Yakko: For your own sake, Brain, you should deal these negative feelings.

Wakko: Don’t you find that, every now and then it builds to the point (demonstrates by punching the air) where you want to pop somebody?

Brain: Yes, frequently! And that’s when I... (sudden realization) That’s when I take it out on... Pinky.

Dot: This is what we’re talking about, Brain! It’s bad that you’re using your loyal friend as a punching bag, because the powers you truly resent are out of your reach!

Brain: (downcast) I’ve done a poor job of returning his friendship, haven’t I?

Yakko: Cheer up, Brain- there’s time to do better. Why don’t you go back to the lab right now, to help Pinky celebrate his birthday?

Brain: Your suggestion has merit. Left unsupervised, Pinky’s celebrations tend to put the lab into a seriously disorganized
condition.

(Wakko looks to Yakko for translation.)

Yakko: He means Pinky makes a big mess.

Dot: (producing a wrapped present) And give this to him, with our best wishes.

Brain: (taking present) That’s commendable of you. What is it?

Wakko: It’s an electric three-speed combination mango-slicer and sneaker polisher!

Brain: I see you’re familiar with Pinky’s tastes.

Dot: And there’s a kitchen-appliance store right down the street- you can get him something, too.

Brain: I intend to do that. You have my appreciation, Warners.

Warners: You’re welcome!  (Brain exits)

Wakko: Do you suppose he’ll ever actually take over the world?

Yakko: Who knows? He’s a persistent little guy. It probably won’t hurt us to try to stay on his good side.

Dot:  Anyway, now we can play with the satellite-dish-laser gizmo!

Warners: YAAAYYY!!

(The usual  A!  mayhem ensues.)

 

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