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"The Bugs Bunny Show - Episode: FF03: Merlin Gets the Sniffles"

written by Jack Tatay, Jon Cooke, and Pietro

(Opens on the WB logo where Bugs pops out of)

Bugs: Eh, dis folks is a Warner Bros.-Seven Arts Television Presentation.

Announcer: THE BUGS BUNNY SHOW! Brought to you by......the refreshing instant soft drink mix: Kool-Aid! Five cents makes two full quarts!

(Commercial opens on Daffy in the desert)

Daffy: Water.......must have.......water!

(Speedy Gonzales runs up to Daffy)

Speedy: Hey senor Duck, are you thirsty?

Daffy: Yeah! Gimme some water!

Speedy: I only have new grape Kool-Aid! Trust me, amigo, thees instant soft drink is guaranteed to quench a thirst. You can make dos quarts for just 5 cents, I theenk.

Daffy: Then gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme! I'm going crazy from thirst! Watch!

(Daffy starts hopping around, going woo-hoo, and then swims in the sand like it's water)

Speedy: Hold on, amigo! You gotta pay me five pesos!

Daffy: NO, I will no pay five cents to a rodent!

Speedy: No pesos, no dreenk!

Daffy: Oh yeah!?

Speedy: Hey, senor Duck, I also have new pre-sweetened Kool-Aid. There's no sugar to add, so there's no sugar mess. Moms will like that, I theek. So, how about paying me now?

Daffy: NO!

(Daffy chases Speedy into an oasis)

Daffy: WATER!

Speedy: No, that is not water Senor Daffy! This here is a Kool-Aid oasis!

Daffy: EVEN BETTER!

Speedy: There is a slight charge, though, Amigo, for dreenking thees Kool-Aid, 5 pesos!

Daffy: No No No! But ... I just gotta get some of that Kool-Aid!

Speedy: 5 pesos!

Daffy: I'm not letting a little mouse like you stop me!

(Daffy runs towards the Kool-Aid oasis and then runs into a palm tree. Speedy runs up.)

Speedy: 5 pesos, por favor?

Daffy: No! No five pesos!

(Daffy throws some coconuts at Speedy)

Daffy: Now, the Kool-Aid is ALL MINE!

(Daffy makes a high dive for the Kool Aid in the oasis. Already falling, Daffy realizes how far down the lake is and walks back up in thin air and puts a inflatable raft in the pool of Kool-Aid. Then he dives again, but, he misses the pool and falls flat, face first on the sand. Speedy runs up to Daffy.)

Speedy: Now will you pay 5 pesos, por favor?

Daffy: Well, okay! I'm just dyin' of thirst!

(Daffy pays him and heads toward the pool)

Daffy: ALL MINE! At last!

Speedy: That duck is sure loco for Kool-Aid! He he he!

(Curtain opens and Bugs and Daffy march out on stage)

Bugs and Daffy (Singing): Overture, curtain, lights! This is it. The night of nights. No more rehearsing or nursing a part. We know every part by heart! (cane flip) Overture, curtain, lights! This is it. We'll hit the heights! And oh, what heights we'll hit! On with the show, this is it!

(Tweety, Speedy Gonzales, Hippety Hopper, Yosemite Sam, Sylvester, Elmer Fudd, Pepe 'Le Pew, The Road Runner, Wile E. Coyote, and Foghorn Leghorn march across the stage)

Bugs and Daffy (Singing): Tonight what heights we'll hit! On with the show, this is it!

Announcer: Starring that Oscar-winning rabbit, Bugs Bunny!

Bugs: Tonight's hosts are Merlin the Magic Mouse and Second Banana!

Merlin: Hello, loyal viewers, I'm Merlin, the Magic Mouse, yes.

Second Banana: Hey Merlin!

Merlin: Quiet, son, I'm tellin' the folks about my magic act, yes.

Second Banana: But Merlin, aren't you supposed to introduce a cartoon?

Merlin: Oh yes! Tonight's first cartoon was supposed to be "Baseball Bugs". But, I decided to show my finest performance, "Hocus-Pocus Pow-Wow." Now when I say the magic words, the cartoon will appear before your eyes, yes. Escadero, Escadedo!

("Baseball Bugs" comes on. Later, the cartoon ends)

Second Banana: Gosh, Merlin, that didnt look like one of YOUR cartoons!

Merlin: That's because it wasn't, son. Something must be wrong.

Second Banana: Why don't ya try it again with the commercial, Merlin?

Merlin: It's worth a shot. Here's a Post cereal commercial! Escadero, Escadedo!

(A Tang commercial comes on)

Cool Cat: Man, I love natural orange flavored Tang! It's so cool, like me!

(Colonel Rimfire appears)

Colonel Rimfire: Why, it's orange just like that blasted tiger, Cool Cat! I just have to get some!

Cool Cat: No, man. It's not for squares.

Rimfire: I'm not a square, I just want some Tang, which is great for breakfast or any thirsty old time!

Cool Cat: Like, for Tang at it's grooviest, make up a pitcher full and cool it off in the refrigerator overnight!

Rimfire: You blasted tiger! Give me some cool refrigerated Tang!

Cool Cat: No, you can't have any of MY Tang!

Rimfire: Well, if you won't do that, then at least show "Hippydrome Tiger!"

Cool Cat: Oh man, not THIS again! Like, I'm not hosting the show this week. Go ask Merlin!

Rimfire: Blast! I guess I'll just have to go to the supermarket and buy my own natural orange flavored Tang. Tallllly hooooo!

Cool Cat: Anyway, drink Tang, man! It's Tang-a-riffic!

("The Bugs Bunny Show" comes back on)

Second Banana: That wasn't a Post commercial, Merlin.

Merlin: Certainly, it was, my boy! Don't you drink Post-Aid for breakfast?

Second Banana: It looked like that delicious orange flavored drink, Tang, to me.

Merlin: Looks like my magic has back fired again!

(Colonel Rimfire runs on stage)

Rimfire: Show "Hippydrome Tiger!"

Merlin: Who are you and what business is it of yours anyway?

Rimfire: Well, that blasted tiger never showed it so I thought...

Merlin: Nope, not in this show my mustached friend!

(Colonel Rimfire leaves)

Merlin: Well, now that he's gone, we can get on with my magic act......ahem!

(Merlin clears his throat)

Merlin: Ladies and gentlemen, for my next trick, I will need a volunteer from the audience! How about you, sir? Yes, come right up!

(Sniffles comes up on stage)

Sniffles: Do I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeallllllllly get to be a volunteer? I've never been picked as a volunteer before. I like magic a whole lot. I do. Are you realllllly a magic mouse?

Merlin: Quiet, son, quiet, and now for my next act.......

Sniffles: Oh boy, what trick are you gonna do? I saw this magic act where the magician sawed a real live lady in two. Are you gonna saw me in two? I wouldn't like being sawed in two.

Merlin: Quiet, my boy.

(Merlin pulls out a deck of cards)

Merlin: Just pick a card....any card!

Sniffles: Oh boy! Cards! I'm reeeeeeeeeally a good card player! Are you a good card player? I'm thebest card player in the whoooooole world, I betcha! I can play old maid or go fish or crazy 8s or war or...

Merlin (getting frustrated): Pick a card, son!

Sniffles: Okay, Mr. magic mouse.......are you reeeeeeally a magic mouse?

Merlin: Certainly, my boy. Now pick a card!

Sniffles: How did you become a magic mouse? Why do you talk like W.C. Fields? Can I wear your hat? Who's your little friend? Is he magic too? Does he like cards?

Merlin: Shut up, son! Ya make me nervous!

Sniffles: Why do I make you nervous? I thought you were a magic mouse, not a nervous mouse. I've never heard of a nervous mouse, unless there were a cat around. Is there a cat around? I don't like cats. Do you like cats? Do cats make you nervous? I bet they do, I betcha!

Merlin: Just pick a card son, I can't wait any longer!

(Sniffles finally picks a card)

Sniffles: Okay, I picked the queen of hearts. I like the queen of hearts. Seeeeee? (shows Merlin the card) Now what do I do? I like this game! Can I pick another card?

Merlin: Never mind. I think I'll just make the next cartoon appear! Now, here's me in "Hocus Pocus Pow-Wow!"

("Draftee Daffy" appears. Later, the cartoon ends)

Sniffles: That didn't look like YOU Merlin. It looked like Daffy Duck. I like Daffy Duck, he's funny. He goes woo-hoo woo-hoo! Can you go woo-hoo? What does woo-hoo mean?

Merlin: Get lost son, ya bother me!

Sniffles: Why do you want me to get lost? I don't like getting lost. Have you ever gotten lost? Are you reeeeeeeeeeeally a magic mouse? Why did you look like Daffy Duck in your cartoon?

(Sniffles keeps talking)

Merlin (to audience): Watch me make this little pest disappear. Talakazam! Otoskadero!

(There's a puff of smoke. Sniffles is gone.)

Second Banana: Whattya know, Merlin! It worked!

(Suddenly an army of Sniffles clones appear out of thin air. All are talking and talking. Merlin covers his ears)

Merlin: Look, we'd better go to a commercial while I deal with this...

(Opens on Daffy and Sniffles on stage)

Sniffles: Hey, you look just like Merlin did in that cartoon. Are you a magic mouse too? Could you pull a rabbit from your hat and tell me what woo-hoo means?

Daffy: Uh kid, I'm no mouse, so go away, ya bother me!

Sniffles: That's just what the mouse said, you must be the mouse, I always wondered what happened to you in the 60s, Daffy. You turned yourself into a magic mouse! You must have been a magic duck then!

Daffy: Anyway... (singing) Start your day a little bit better, Start your day with a cereal from...

Sniffles: I like cereals. Do you like cereal? My favorite cereal is Kelloggs!

Daffy (to Sniffles): Quiet, bud....

Sniffles: But you were talking about favorite cereals, I like Kelloggs a lot, don't you like Kelloggs, I like Kelloggs a lot more than POST. Their cereals are more sugary anyway, they'll rot kids' teeth out, don't ya think?

Daffy: You want me to lose my job, you despicable rodent? Now GET LOST before the sponsor hears your little rant!

Sniffles: What's a sponsor? They don't sound like very nice people. I bet I could be a better sponsor than them!

Daffy: The sponsors are the fine people who make these DEEEE-licious POST cereals! They're A-B-C-Delicious!

Sniffles: Post, ewwww! I prefer Kelloggs, but I think I told you that. I wash it down with a nice cold glass of Donald Duck Orange Juice. So are ya gonna turn yourself into a magic mouse?

(Another Sniffles appears)

Sniffles #2: Hello, you know you look just like the magic mouse did in that cartoon! What does woo-hoo mean? What are ya eating? I bet it's some of that awful Post cereal, I betcha!

Sniffles #1: I was just saying the same thing, doncha think it's odd that a duck can turn himself into a mouse?

(Another Sniffles appears)

Sniffles #3: I dunno, I think a magic duck can do all the same things a magic mouse can do. Did you know that you talk an awful lot, Sniffles. I don't talk nearly as much as you do.

(Rocky & Mugsy appear.)

Rocky: Okay, duck, we was sent by da POST people. On account dat youse have been bad-mouthin' da cereal in dis commercial....

All three Sniffleses: He didn't bad mouth Post, I did, it's really awful, and we want to know woo-hoo means.

Rocky: What's with all da mice, duck?

Sniffles #2: Are you reeeeeeeeealllly a gangster? I want to be a gangster too, I want to shoot people!

(Another Sniffles appears)

Sniffles #4: Wow, it's that magic duck and some gangsters, I want to be a gangster too, can we all be gangsters together?

Mugsy: Duh, gee, boss.... ain't dese mice cute? Can I keep one?

Rocky: Shad ap!

Sniffles #1: Okay, as soon as the magic duck turns himself into a magic mouse.

Sniffles #2: Can I reeeeeeeeally go home with you, I'd could be a gangster too, see I'm tough (throws punches in the air). Whadoya say?

Daffy: I'd say this commercial has gone on FAR too long!

Sniffles #1: We could be like Robin Hood!

Sniffles #3: Robin Hood gangsters, yay! Let's steal from the nasty POST sponsors!

("The Bugs Bunny Show" comes back on)

Merlin: Okay, we're back from that embarrassing commercial...

Second Banana: They're swarming around like flies, Merlin! What are we gonna do????

Merlin: Don't worry, my boy. With my magic words, I'll make 'em all disappear! Presto!

Sniffles #1: Gosh, I feel funny. Don't you feel funny? Hey, you aren't a duck anymore. I didn't even get to see ya change!

Second Banana: It didn't work, Merlin! They've DOUBLED in numbers!

(The mice chatter to each other)

Bugs Bunny: What the heck is going on here, Merlin?

All the Sniffleses: (chattering) It's Bugs Bunny! Bugs Bunny, I betcha! Wow!, etc.

Sniffles #1: Oh boy, tell the mouse to turn back into a duck!

Sniffles #2: No, no, dress like a woman!

Bugs: Eh, Merlin dis is a little creepy!

Merlin: I know, I know, maybe I could try the magic words again, yes...?

Second Banana: No, no, no, not again Merlin, I don't think anyone could take it anymore!

Bugs: Eh, maybe I should just call da exterminator!

Sniffles #1: Shouldn't you introduce the next cartoon, Merlin, huh? I think you should do it with your magic, and then you could show us your neat magic tricks.

Merlin: I give up! But I WILL make a cartoon with Tweetie Pie and Sylvester appear next!

("Hocus Pocus Pow-Wow" finally runs and ends)

Sniffles: Wow, Tweety looks a lot like you!

Sniffles #999: Are you reeeeeeeeeally a magic mouse? Make me into Robin Hood!

Merlin (to Second Banana): Watch closely as I rid the stage of these pesky pipsqueaks! You see, I called up a special friend to help...

Sniffles: Robin hood?

(Sylvester enters.)

Sylvester: Okay, Merlin, I'm here to help you guest host tonight's Bugs Bunny Sh----- SUFFERIN' SUCCOTASH!!!! Acres and acres of MICE!!!
All the Sniffleses: It's a CAT!

Sniffles #8000: I hope he isn't a.....MAGIC CAT!

Merlin: What did I tell ya, Second Banana, they're scared already!

(Sylvester starts grabbing armfuls of Sniffleses)

All the Sniffleses: Hey Mr. Cat, are you going to eat us, we don't want to be eaten. Would you want to be eaten?

Sylvester: Quiet, you silly sausages!

All the Sniffleses (still talking): ...I hope not, but I think I'd eat you too if I was a cat and you were a mouse...

Sylvester: I can't take it!!! They're so darn adorable! But I will eat ONE mouse around here!

(Sylvester looks at Merlin)

Merlin: Uh-oh.... listen Sylvester let's talk.

(Sylvester chases Merlin & Second Banana out of the theater)

Bugs: Eh, uh, here's a preview of next week's show....

Sniffles #9999: I like previews, don't you?

Sniffles #500: Sure I do, how about you?

Bugs: Roll 'em, Smokey! QUICK!

Sniffles #8: I'll roll it, since Smokey ran away. I wonder why he did that. He did that right when I was talking to him. Do you that know, Bugs?

(The "Coming Attractions" roll. There's a card that says "FEATURING SNIFFLES"... a clip from "Hush My Mouse"... another card "FEATURING SNIFFLES"... a clip from "Unbearable Bear"... last card "FEATURING SNIFFLES" and a clip from "Lost & Foundling.")

(A bunch of Sniffleses march across the stage as an instrumental of "This Is It" plays. Curtain closes and the credits roll)

Chorus: This is "The Bugs Bunny Show!"

Sniffles (in the background): I know this is "The Bugs Bunny Show." Why do they call it "The Bugs Bunny Show?" I think they should call it "The Sniffles Show." I'd be a great host, I betcha! Is Bugs really another magic mouse? Is he reeeeeeeally magic? I wanna be Robin Hood when I grow up.....

Announcer: "The Bugs Bunny Show" is NO LONGER brought to you by POST!

THAT'S ALL FOLKS!

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