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The Warners Meet the Simpletons!

By Craig M. J. Marinaro


This not so much a crossover as it is a parody, as it would be done on the series. For instance, all the Simpsons' names have been changed to parody names (it should be fairly easy to figure out, except that MIDGE is MARGE, and MARGIE is MAGGIE). The name "Simpleton" was derived from a 1992 episode of Tiny Toon Adventures. No real bashing is done, as I am a big fan of both shows. 'K?


[The Simpletons' kitchen. BURT, LIZA , and MARGIE sit around the table eating breakfast. MIDGE is flipping pancakes. GOMER walks in and heads toward the cookie jar.]

GOMER: Mm...cookies...

[He lifts the lid and out pop YAKKO, WAKKO, & DOT WARNER.]

GOMER: [Lets out a shriek] What the heck is this?

MIDGE: Liza! Have you been bringing home stray cats again? You *KNOW* Snowball doesn't get along with them!

[Cut to SNOWBALL on the floor. It is SNOWBALL the hamster of Pinky & the Brain fame.]

SNOWBALL: The darned beasts are always knocking me around like a ball of yarn! I haven't time for such trivialities, as I must conquer the world before my arch-rival the Brain!

[Cut back to MIDGE]

MIDGE: I always get an attitude from him.

LIZA: I didn't bring 'em, home, mom, but can we keep them? They're adorable!

BART: Nah, let's sacrafice 'em to our vengeful God!

GOMER: BURT! We'll do no such thing! We're gonna eat them!

[In all this time the WARNERS have been running in circles around the room, causing their usual mayhem. YAKKO pulls to a stop in front of GOMER.]

YAKKO: Hi! We're the Warner Brothers!

[DOT runs up]

DOT: And the Warner sister. [Curtseys.] Tee-hee. Cur--

YAKKO: Curtsey laugh. Yeah. We know.

DOT: Hey, watch it, or I'll do the "Princess Angelina..." bit.

YAKKO: [Begging] I'll be good! I promise!

[WAKKO pulls to a stop in front of MARGIE, the baby, in her high chair.]

WAKKO: Hullo.

[MARGIE stands up. She looks at WAKKO, and offers him a pacifier, which she pulls from behind her back.]

WAKKO: FABOO! [Sticks it in his mouth.] [Sucks.]

DOT: Oo, an average suburban family! How quaint!

YAKKO: Yeah! They're even better than our Acquaintances in New York!

DOT: ROLL THE OPENING!

[The sky. The clouds part and the title emerges.]

CHORUS: The Simpletons...

[A variation on "The Simpsons Theme" plays. We cut to the school, where BURT is writing a hundred times on the board, "I am not sick of celebrity guests in every episode." Below him, BRAIN stands writing "I am not a laboratory mouse bent on global domination." The bell rings, releasing him. We cut to GOMER at the plant, where he is looking at an Inanimate Carbon Rod, when the bell rings. He pulls off his helmet and walks away. MINDY crawls up on the table and grabs the glowing rod. BUTTONS climbs up behind her, looking worried. We cut to MIDGE and MARGIE at the store counter, where MIDGE reads a parenting magazine. Behind her, SLAPPY reads the "Inquirer". Both MARGIE and SKIPPY crawl up on the counter and get bagged, and dumped in their respective mothers' carts. Cut to LIZA at her band lesson, where she and her schoolmates play, while RITA sings a few bars of "Let's Try for Two", and RUNT stands by, enjoying the song. LIZA dances out with the sax. We cut to the driveway, where GOMER pulls in with his car. He comes out and is almost run over by BURT on his skateboard, LIZA on her bike, MIDGE in her car, and a clown car with PINKY, BRAIN, SLAPPY, SKIPPY, MINDY, BUTTONS, RITA, and RUNT. All four vehicles zoom into the garage. GOMER wipes his brow in relief. Then, an anvil falls on him. We then cut to the Simpletons' couch. They all run in and sit down in front of the TV. However, instead of a TV, there's a watertower. The WARNERS jump out and each kiss one of the kids. They then sit down with the family and wave at us.]

[The SIMPLETONS sit on the couch for a nice evening at home, when the WARNERS bounce in.]

BURT: Mom, can me 'n' Liz hang out with the Warners tonight?

MIDGE: Wellll...where are you going?

WAKKO: Oo, the Jerky Hut?!

DOT: The World's Largest Ball of Yarn?!

YAKKO: The Maison Derrierre?!

Y&W: HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO, NURSE!

DOT: [Pointing] Boys.

BURT: We'll just go down to the Cook-E-Mart!

MIDGE: Well...alright...but hurry back!

[The four run out. MARGIE tails along, falling every other step.]

[They arrive at the Cook-E-Mart. MARGIE is the last one to go in, and she trips as she goes through the automatic doors.]

[The WARNERS run around through the store, making their usual chaos. They drink out of the Big Sip™ machine, pull the taffy, and WAKKO eats the 5-year-old hot dogs, etc.]

ACHU: Hey, hey! Remember: you eat it, you pay for it!

[BURT walks to the counter. He grabs a bubble gum pack. He opens it and looks at the card.]

BURT: Have it.

[He continues doing this for about 8 packs.]

ACHU: Hey, hey! This is not a bubble gum card library! Either buy something or leave! [WAKKO begins to eat the gum BURT opened.]

BURT: [Plunking down a one-dollar bill.] Achu, gimme a jumbo Sludgie™.

ACHU: Yes, master Burt!

BURT: [Plunking down two more dollars.] And two for my sisters.

ACHU: Very well.

BURT: [Plunking down three more dollars.] And three for my friends.

ACHU: Okay!

BURT: [Plunking down a sack of money.] All made entirely out of syrup!

ACHU: [Eyes become $ signs.] Yes, master Burt! [He fixes six all-syrup Sludgies™ and sets them on the counter.] Thank you, come again! [He watches them walk out the door and then jumps up on the counter and begins dancing around as a few bars of "I'm in the Money" play.] Woo-hoo! I don't have to work in this dump anymore! WOO-HOO!

[Sung to "Who Needs the Kwik-E-Mart?"]

Who needs the Cook-E-Mart?

I make a Gookie-Mart! [Makes a gookie]

I'm free at last! [Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo!]

[He pulls off his apron and does spins out the door and down the street. He continues singing as he spins over the horizon.]

[Cut to JAMES WOOD behind the counter.]

JAMES W.: I'm practicing for a movie role. Next I'm gonna play Hades, god of the Underworld. To rehearse that part, I'll work for Eisner. {It's a double-reference. Figure it out.}

[Cut to the trio of WARNERS and the trio of SIMPLETON kids running through the street. BURT skateboards, and the others run around all over the city after having *WAAAAAAAAAAYYYY* too much sugar. MARGIE is real hyper. She falls at every step, yet still manages to keep up with the others. The WARNERS bug everyone on the street, including lookalikes to BARNEY GUMBLE, MOE SZYSLAK, MR. BURNS, etc.]

WAKKO: Ah, this is boring.

YAKKO: Yeah...sugar benders only last so long!

DOT: I know! Let's go...THERE! [She points to the nuclear power plant, up on a hill far away.]

LIZA: The power plant?! You can't go there! It'll cause utter chaos!

BURT: Uh-oh. Someone is getting too rational. Here, have more Sludgie™.

LIZA: No! I'm tellin' Mom!

BURT: I don't think so. Margie...?

[MARGIE suddenly strikes a karate-like pose. She utters some odd sounds and then jumps LIZA. A cloud of dust kicks up. When it clears, LIZA is tied to a mailbox. MARGIE stands triumphantly on top of the box for a moment, then falls down.]

BURT: To the plant!

YW&D: WHEEEEEEE!!!!!

[BURT runs at top speed to the plant, as the WARNERS bounce down the street after him. MARGIE now uses the skateboard, as she strikes a rather dynamic pose.]

[The power plant. GOMER sits at his post eating donuts.]

GOMER: Mm...so good...want some?

[Cut to BRAIN. He is pushing buttons and pushing switches like he actually knows something.]

BRAIN: No, I don't groak. And be careful with that bolus. You might ruin the machine's palinioa. Now stop your persiflage and ultracredpidarianism as I am psaphonic. Besides, your hircismus is giving me

trichotillomania. I don't know why it doesn't have the same effect on you. [Looks at him.] Well, I suppose it did! Heh heh heh!

GOMER: Hey! Shut up! [Turns around, pulls a pad out of a drawer. Writes on it.] Heh heh. Triko-tillo-whatso. Gotta remember that one...

[MR. BYRNES enters.]

BYRNES: And what the devil is this?! To work, you insignificant slobs!

BRAIN: Excuse me, sir, but this oaf here was distracting me with his floccinaucinihilipilification.

BYRNES: Oh, shut up, college boy! I won't have anymore of your braggery! I want you out by noon!

BRAIN: But...*I'M* your only productive employee! Without me, nothing will get done!

BYRNES: Well...what about him? [He points to a DILBERT LOOKALIKE sitting in a cubicle. DL smiles and waves.]

BRAIN: BAH! You'll regret this! [Jumping off his chair] Insignificant invertabrate...

BYRNES: [To GOMER] I like you. You're a great employee! You make me look smart!

GOMER: Why thank you Mr. Byrnes!

BYRNES: What was your name again?

GOMER: D'OH!

BYRNES: Ah, I see...Indian, eh?...Is there a last name that goes with that, Doh?

GOMER: [Jumping up and grabbing at BYRNES]
I'LL-KILL-YOU-YOU-OLD-SUNUVAGUN-YOU-STUPID-
MORON-I'VE-BEEN-WORKING-HERE-FOR-TWELVE-YEARS-
AND-YOU-CAN'T-EVEN-REMEMBER-MY-NAME-OOO-YOU-
MAKE-ME-SO-ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BYRNES: [Getting away.] Ugh. Foreginers.

[Cut to the outside of the plant. YAKKO, WAKKO, and DOT run around, knocking over everything they see, including a pretzel stand.]

PRETZEL STAND GUY: Hey, hey! C'mon, I was about to make to make a major sale to Flat Tony! Now he's not gonna be happy! And I'll send him after you! I'll do it! I swear, when you wake up in the morning, you won't be alive! Aw, nutbunnies. [Bends over and begins picking up pretzels, blowing dirt off some, and puts them back in his cart.]

[BURT runs up. The WARNERS are now bugging a SMITHERS LOOKALIKE.]

YAKKO: Seriously! You should go on The Dating Game! I mean, what've ya got to lose?

BURT: Hey, you guys! What the heck do you think you're doing?!

DOT: Just helping Mr. Smithee with his love life.

BURT: I think this could get a bit...um...off-colour for a kids' show.

WAKKO: Oh, right.

[The three jump off SMITHEE and begin running around again. They run up to the top of one of the big things {sorry, I have no idea what they're called!} and look down.]

YAKKO: Whoa. Wouldja lookit that view...

WAKKO: Faboo...

DOT: It's so smokey and air-polluting.

YAKKO: Hm...should we go P.C. and plug it up?

DOT: Pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaase let's not!

WAKKO: [To audience] Of course, kids, it would be the right thing to do...

YAKKO: But you don't want us to do another one of *THOSE* cartoons, do you?

DOT: If you do, go watch one of those old "Toxic Revenger" cartoons from Tiny Toons...

WAKKO: Or Animaniacs episode 23...

YAKKO: Or "Inherit the Wheeze"...

DOT: Um...okkay, so what do we do now?

BURT: [Shouting from below] LET'S GO SEE MY DAD!

YW&D: 'K!

[They run inside followed by BURT. MARGIE slowly follows. The sugar has apparently worn off, but the WARNERS and BURT are so wild all the time it doesn't really make much difference. She follows the others past the sleeping guards into the plant.]

[They head into GOMER's cubicle.]

YW&D: HI!

GOMER: AA! What the--why the--what the heck do you kids think you’re doing?!

BURT: Gomer, we're bored.

GOMER: Hm... [Gets an thoughtful look in his eye...well, semi-thoughtful...] Tell ya what, kiddies. Daddy wants to go get a donut...whaddaya say that you kids stay here and work the switches?

BURT: Don't you already have someone to do that?

GOMER: Well...yes... [He turns around and opens a drawer, revealing the water-drinking bird.] But he betrayed me, and I can never trust him again.

BURT: Well, whaddaya say, guys?

YW&D: Sure!

[As soon as GOMER leaves, YW&D begin pushing and pulling switches randomly. Pull back to reveal MR. SPORK from "Star Truck".]

SPORK: Stop it. Pushing those buttons inconsequentially is highly illogical.

DOT: [Jumps up into his arms.] I'll bet you say that to all the girls!

[Enter MINERVA MINK, dressed as she was in "Star Warners".]

MINERVA: Well, he said it to me...

DOT: WHAT?! Why you two-timing cad! I'm going home to mother! [She jumps out of his arms and walks offscreen. She returns with suitcases. She sticks out her tongue.]

Y&W: Ooooooo, Spork got dumped!

SPORK: I am not Spork.

[Back to the plot. {Or what there is...} BURT is now dancing on the control board, and MARGIE is trying to follow suit, but keeps falling.]

[Suddenly, red lights begin flashing and alarms going off...]

YW&D: Uh...oh.

[Cut to the outside of the plant. Thousands of people run out. BYRNES is on SMITHEE's shoulders.]

BYRNES: *Sigh* *WHY* does this happen every week, Smithee?

SMITHEE: [With a happy look on his face] *Sigh*

BYRNES: You'd better not be enjoying this, Smithee!

[Cut back to the WARNERS and BURT & MARGIE.]

YAKKO: Nuts.

BURT: Where's Gomer?

[Cut back to outside. GOMER runs away fast.]

GOMER: *Sniff* Well, I can't depend on them anymore...I guess I have no one but you. [Pulls out the water-drinking bird. He hugs it and tears come out his eyes.] Let's never fight again.

[Back inside.]

YAKKO: Well, looks like it's up to us.

WAKKO: But what'll we do?!

DOT: Yeah, we don't know how to operate this machine!

BURT: If only we hadn't chucked Liza.

YAKKO: Well, it's up to us. Come, sibs. [They climb up through the pipes in the ceiling and begin crawling. Throughout the whole ordeal, WAKKO has on his best gookie. They finally find the vent above the main control room. YAKKO turns around to talk to the others and is surprised when he runs right into WAKKO's gookie.]

YAKKO: AH! Don't *DO* that! Geez...alright, guys...one of us needs to be lowered...now, as you all know, I'm not the bravest inkblot...but nonetheless, I humbly volunteer...Wakko.

WAKKO: [Losing his gookie and putting on a Homer Simpson-type face] D'OH!

YAKKO: Well, good luck! [He ties the string around WAKKO and lowers him through the vent.]

[As WAKKO heads down, he makes his gookie again.]

[We cut to Y&D in the pipe.]

YAKKO: Now remember! You can't let *ANYTHING* touch the floor--not even a bad of sweat! Just turn the big red button off and then come back up here!

WAKKO: [From below] Yakko...?

YAKKO: Yeah?

WAKKO: I've gotta go potty!

[Y&D exchange worried glances.]

YAKKO: Um...okkay...stay cool...it'll be alright...only another minute or so...just remember, not a single drop of-

WAKKO: But I've really gotta go!

DOT: Shouldn't you have taken care of this before?

YAKKO: He did. I guess the Sludgie™ is just kicking in.

DOT: *UGH* Bring him up.

[Cut to LYDIA KARAOKE at her desk.]

LYDIA: Hello, Lydia Karaoke, network censor. I must say, I completely disagree with the entire scene which previously appeared and it will be eliminated in all future airings, and will be placed in a vault, locked up, and drowned to the bottom of the ocean, along with the Tiny Toons episode "Toons from the Crypt" and the "Sunuvovitch" song from the Road Rovers episode "A Day in the Life". Thank you. [We pull back to reveal an anvil over head, held up with a rope. SLAPPY comes onscreen and smiles at the

audience as she points at it. She then cuts the rope, and the anvil falls on LYDIA. SLAPPY comes fully onscreen.]

SLAPPY: Now *THAT'S* comedy. [Walks off as a few notes of "Humoresque" play.]

[Cut back to the WARNERS. WAKKO has been risen back to Y&D. He looks...er...relieved.]

WAKKO: Ah, that's better.

DOT: Great. But now what do we do? We hafta turn that switch off.

YAKKO: Too late now.

DOT: What?!

[YAKKO points to a speaker above them. Almost as if on cue...]

SPEAKER: 10 seconds until total detonation. 9...8...

DOT: [Angrily] Well, Wakko, at least you can spend your final moments in a relieved state.

WAKKO: Hey! Do you know how uncomfortable it is blowing up when you've gotta go?

YAKKO: [Worried] About as uncomfortable as it is when you're being blown up, period.

WAKKO: [Sadly] Well...goodbye, Yakko. G'bye, Dot.

DOT: [Sadly] Bye, Wakko. Bye, Yakko.

YAKKO: [Sad] Goodbye...*sniff*...John Boy.

[Cut to JOHN BOY.]

JOHN BOY: LET ME OUTTA THIS POWER PLANT!!!!!!!!!!!

[Back to the WARNERS.]

YAKKO: Group hug! [The WARNERS hug.]

STUDIO AUDIENCE: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwww...

DOT: What wuzzat?

WAKKO: Let's pretend we didn't hear it...

YAKKO: *Sigh*...WB execs...

[Cut to BURT & MARGIE.]

SPEAKER: 2...1...

BURT: Well...*sniff*...g'bye, Margie. [Hugs her. She falls onto a button and miraculously, the countdown ends, the red lights stop flashing, and everything is normal.]

BURT: Huh...?

[Cut to YW&D.]

YW&D: Huh...?

[Back to BURT]

SPEAKER: Detonation redirected.

BURT: Redirected...?

[He runs to a window just in time to see the entire south side of Sprungfield collapse--that is, the residential area. He also sees LIZA, still tied to the mailbox, go flying into the air, right past the window.]

BURT: [Smiling sheepishly] Woops. Well, Liz always wanted to see the stars...and Mayor Dimby is always complaining how little room this town has! Now we have the entire south side to build on! [He and MARGIE high-four, and she falls.]

[Back to YW&D.]

DOT: Well, I guess we did it!

YAKKO: Yup...Sprungfield is safe, and we've got another cheesy TV parody under our belts.

WAKKO: [Pulls up his shirt. He, of course, has no belt.] Speak for yourself.

YAKKO: [Puts his arms around W&D] Well, let's go, siblings.

BURT: [Offscreen] WAIT!

YAKKO: Huh...?

[BURT has just climbed up into the pipes.]

BURT: There's one person you guys've just gotta meet before you leave!

[Cut to the Android's Dungeon Comics & Cards. BURT leads YW&D inside. As usual, the WARNERS go crazy. WAKKO eats various comics, including "Action Comics" # 1 and "Animaniacs" # 1; YAKKO prattles with the COMIC STORE PROPRIETOR, annoying the heck out of him; and DOT reads various romance novels; BURT opens every pack of cards to find one card; and MARGIE opens every polybag in sight and dumps the rare comics on the floor, then tramples them.]

CSP: That is it! THAT IS IT! OUT, OUT!!!!!!!!! [He throws the five out. They crash on the sidewalk.]

YAKKO: [Pointing at the store, and winking at us.] Our new special friend.

[Ending notes from music. Then, we pull away from the store slowly and pan over all of Sprungfield slowly, as the end credits roll, and a slow, peaceful version of "The Simpletons Theme" plays. When the credits are done, the song finishes, and we have a terrific view of the city. Then, a real-life Sludgie™ spills on the picture.]

ARTIST: [Offscreen] Aw, crud. [His hand comes on and crumples up the picture. He then takes it away. Underneath is a shot of the WB watertower. Out come YW&D for their end tag line. They are holding MARGIE between the three of them. Suddenly, they drop her. They look down.]

YW&D: D'OH! [The door shuts and we roll the AMBLIN and WB symbols as the end of the "Animaniacs Theme" plays.]


DISCLAIMER

Yakko Warner, Wakko Warner, Dot Warner, the Brain, Slappy Squirrel, Snowball, Minerva Mink, Lydia Karaoke, Pinky, Mindy, Buttons, Skippy Squirrel, Rita, Runt, and any other Animaniacs, Pinky & the Brain, or Histeria! characters in this story are ™ and Warner Bros., Inc., and are used here without the slightest teeniest littlelest bit of permission whatsoever, but no harm is meant. My sole purpose is to entertain.

The Simpsons is ™ and Twentieth Century Fox. AFAIK, I didn't infringe on any copyrights in this story, as I changed all names, but just to be safe...

James Wood is ™ and by James Wood and is used without permission.

Whatever's left (which isn't much) is 1999 by yours truly, Craig Marinaro. It may be redistributed freely, but please inform me before you do so, and keep this disclaimer intact.

Maggie Falls dedicated to: BRAINATRA.

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