Once and Future Warners
By: Brainatra, Craig, Romey,
Sharklady, Capt. Caps, and DanielleB
Edited by: Craig M. J. Marinaro
With not much else to do since the cancellation of their show, the Warner Brothers
and their sister Dot had been searching for a decent part-time job. They had tried a
carreer in law enforcement, but it just didn't work out. They had been teamed up with a
certain officer by the name of Axel Foley (Eddie Murphy in "Beverly Hills Cop").
They got along fine until they learned that he had betrayed them by doing voiceovers for
D*sney's "Mulan". This extreme conflict of interests had forced them to move on
to greener pastures.
[We open on a shot of a sunny California boulevard. The Warners are walking leisurely
down the sidewalk.]
YAKKO: Wow, who'd have thought being dental assistants could be so much fun?
DOT: Yeah! That had to be the best three days of my life...and to think we'd still be
there if it hadn't been for Wakko getting mixed up in that scandalous situation involving
molding plaster, chewing gum, and thirty feet of floss... [Glares at her brother.]
WAKKO: Well, *I* didn't want to be a dentist anyhow...I was the one who wanted to jump
at the "food tester" job, remember?
YAKKO: And I wanted to go for the spot as Liz Hurley's dressing consultant. [Wiggling
his eyebrows.] Hellooooo, nurse...
DOT: [Glares at her other brother.] Like *THAT* would've made for a real
family-friendly fanfic... [Turning to Wakko.] Anyhow, if any good came of this, at least
Wakko got a medical degree!
WAKKO: [Holding up a piece of paper.] Yeah! These things aren't nearly as hard to get
as they're made out to be...
DOT: I'd imagine not, if they gave it to a guy who went on to remove fourteen teeth and
a kidney from some kid who was only coming in for an annual checkup...
WAKKO: I got carried away! Besides, I gave him a sugar-free lollipop, didn't I? What
more do you want?
YAKKO: Alright, alright...mistakes were made. But at any rate, we've got to look
forward to the future... Here we are, sibs--that home for wayward souls...the land of milk
and honey...the place where dreams come true...the Unemployment Agency! [Holds his hand up
to the building dramatically. The place glows brightly.] C'mon! [The three step inside.]
[We fade to the interior. We see the three sitting in chairs. Wakko is lazily bouncing
a small rubber ball against the wall. Yakko watches the fans, moving his head with their
motion. Dot reads the magazines on the table next to her, starting with
"People," which has a picture of Barbra Streisand on the cover. We fade forward
in time, as the clock above their heads changes. By 9:13 AM, Dot's down to
"Cosmo"; by 12:56 she's at "Highlights for Children"; by 4:29 she's
reading "Wired"; at 8:33, she's reading the "Warner Bros. Studio Store
Catalogue," and looking visibly annoyed. Finally, the clock strikes 11:49 PM. Wakko
is bouncing the ball minimally and listlessly, obviously bored-as-all-get-out. Yakko has
fallen asleep, and Dot is squinting at the print on a subscription card from
"Reader's Digest." Only one magazine remains sitting on the table,
unread--"Tennis." The rest are strewn about the floor. Finally, a voice rings
VOICE: Yakko, Wakko, and Dot Warner?
[The three suddenly perk up, and after registering the significance of the call for a
moment, they run up to the desk gleefully. The woman behind the desk speaks.]
WOMAN: In spite of your...dubious reputation...we've managed to find you another job. A
spot at the Rainbow Cab Company. You report first thing tomorrow morning. [She hands the
three their papers.]
YAKKO: [Looking at the clock.] First thing tomorrow morning? Why...tomorrow morning
begins at 12:01! We'd better hurry, or we'll be late for our first day! [The three dash
outside, and begin running down the street, waving their hands and yelling, "Taxi!
[We fade to the Rainbow Cab Company. Doctor Emmett L. Brown happens to be giving the
ol' DeLorean a tune-up. The three suddenly pop out from under the hood, giving him quite a
YW&D: Taxi! Taxi! [They turn around and see the car that they're sitting in. All
three yell in unison:] TAXI! [They all rush around and dive inside to the back seat. They
sit there waiting for a minute, then grow a bit impatient. Doc merely looks startled.]
YAKKO: Hey! What's up, doc?
YAKKO: Well, mac, are you gonna get in or not? Rainbow Cab Company, and step on it!
We've gotta get to work!
DOC: [Ahem] First of all, I am *NOT* your driver. Second of all, you are *IN* the
Rainbow Cab Company. And third of all, this is not a taxi, you ignorant puppy
children...this is a DeLorean!
DOT: [Pulling him near.] And fourth of all...WE'RE NOT PUPPIES!
DOC BROWN: What are you then?
DOT: Let's please not go there...
DOC BROWN: Hey, you wouldn't happen to be those new cabbies we signed up, would you?
YW&D: That's us!
DOC BROWN: Then *why* didn't you say so? Huh? The last cab just got wrecked, so you'll
have to use the DeLorean. Oh, by the way, it's a time machine, so be careful with it!
DOT: No class or anything?
YAKKO: This place certainly looks it...
DOC BROWN: Ahem... Just don't go over 88 miles per hour, or you'll see some serious
YAKKO: Yeah, 88 miles per whatever... Does this mean we can see anything in history?
DOC BROWN: Get your job done today, and I'll give you a little tour through time,
WAKKO: Faboo! Maybe I can buy one of those Beanie Babies they've removed from the
DOT: Back when they made all those *brilliant* schedule changes, like exiling us to
Rerun Limbo, and adding such *delightful* shows as Pinky, Elmyra & the Brain?
YAKKO: [Snapping his fingers.] Hey! Since we have a *time machine*, we could probably
stop those changes from ever being made!
DOT: Yeah! Then head back to now, where we'll still be in production and Pinky &
Brain will never have left Acme Labs!
WAKKO: Uh, wait... I thought altering the past was supposed to be a bad thing? Remember
that movie we saw with the short Canadian actor who wore a life preserver?
YAKKO: [Sad.] Oh... Then I guess there's no use in trying to change things... Besides,
for all we know, the execs might decide to come up with something *worse*, like Waynehead
2 or Space Jam: The Series..." [All three Warners shudder.]
DOT: So visiting the past is ruled out?
YAKKO: Guess so...
[Suddenly, a door flies open and an old acquaintance steps in.]
AXEL FOLEY: You mother (bleeping) puppy children! Make a friend then eliminate him,
huh, you (bleeps)?
[Axel pulls out a battery of confiscated semi-automatics.]
DOC BROWN: Jump in and ride, now!
[The Warners zip inside the DeLorean. Quick cut to the car's control panel. The time
machine has been set to September 23, 2015.]
AXEL: You (bleeps) gonna do 88?
YAKKO: For the sake of this story... Yes, we will!
[The car bursts out of the garage. Axel jumps into a police cruiser parked outside and
AXEL: Come back here and fight!
[The Warners turn a corner, knocking over a stop sign. With Axel not far behind,
they're forced to speed up. Yakko slams the accelerator, and the DeLorean lurches into
DOT: [Noticing sparks jumping off the car.] Uh, Yakko? What did he say about 88 miles
DOT: [Pointing at the speedometer.] Because we're hitting it now!
[Cut to just above the road, with Axel still chasing the Warners. Having reached 88
miles per hour, "really nifty special effects" happen around the car's body,
before emitting the usual time-travel sonic booms. The time machine vanishes in a bright
white light, leaving behind the trademark fire trails. The car emerges in 2015 with the
same special effects.]
YAKKO: Well, we're here, sibs...wherever here' is.
DOT: [Glancing around at the futuristic setting.] Eeeww, creepy...now what?
YAKKO: Now, we look for passengers, naturally! [Yakko spots a short, pathetic-looking
gent standing on a corner reading a paper.] I think I see a veritable sucker now... [He
runs up to the guy.] Good day, sir...I was just talking to my associates, and I couldn't
help noticing that you look like a veritable sucker who's going places. Yes, sir...and who
better to take you there than the Acme Cab Corporation?
GENT: But, your car says you're from the "Rainbow Cab--"
YAKKO: Yes, yes, I'm getting to that...who better to take you there than the Acme Cab
Corporation? Why, the Rainbow Cab Corporation! Rainbow Cab is faster, cheaper, and tears
less easily than other leading brands! Once you've tried Rainbow Cab, you'll never want to
go back to anything else! Especially the place you just left...
GENT: I'm sorry, but I'm quite happy where I am.
YAKKO: What? But this must be the dingiest street corner in all of Southern California!
I wouldn't stay here if you paid me! Of course, I'm also not leaving here 'til you pay
me... And look at the company! More weirdos hang out here than on any other street corner
in the world!
GENT: But...the only people here are you and me.
YAKKO: Yes, and am I the type of guy you'd want to bring home to meet my mother? I
should say not. Why, the very implication is filthy, and the only filthier thing I can
think of is this corner. Take the sidewalk. You take the sidewalk and I'll take the
frontwalk, and I'll be in San Jose afore ye. If you don't like the sidewalk, you can take
the elephant walk, the boardwalk, and the Chinese wok.
GENT: [Thoroughly confused] Wh-wh...what?
YAKKO: That's probably the most eloquent thing I've heard all day, which isn't saying
much for eloquence in general. Here, take our card. [He hands the guy a Christmas card
with a picture of an angel on the front.]
GENT: [Reading the card.]: "Season's greetings cousin / A catcher in the rye / To
wit, a baker's dozen / Although I don't know why." [Even more bewildered.] Er,
uh...alright, I give up. Take me to the WB Studios, General Administration Building. [He
climbs into the DeLorean.]
YAKKO: I'm surprised at you! Didn't you ever learn not to get into a car with a
GENT: Well, um--
YAKKO: Oh, that's alright...you know, in this brief time we've been chatting, I feel
like we've known each other for ages...the best of friends, the closest of compadres...two
against the world, and five against the house, and ten to one. [Leaning out the window.]
Come, sibs! [Wakko & Dot come running out of a candy store across the street and jump
into the car.] [Dramatically.] To the WB Admin Building!
WAKKO: Remember not to hit 88 miles per hour, Yakko!
YAKKO: Don't worry, I've got it covered! [He suddenly slams the gas down. The car zooms
down the street. As the speedometer gets into the 80's, he slams the brake down hard, and
the cars behind him screech to a sudden halt, several of them smashing into each other. We
cut to an outside view of the car, as Yakko continues this procedure all the way to the
[We cut to the exterior of the WB Admin Building. In the back ground, we see tire
tracks, showing the direction from which the DeLorean had come, and in the path of terror,
signs and trees knocked over, movie sets demolished, and people standing and staring,
dazed and confused. The Warners are standing outside the taxi talking to the gent.]
YAKKO: Alright, that's a quarter of a mile...which according to 2015 currency, is about
GENT: [Pulling out his wallet, ready to pay.] Right...
YAKKO: Wait, wait...now, what's your birthday?
GENT: Er...March 23rd...but--
YAKKO: [Flipping the pages in a book. Wakko is punching numbers on a calculator.] Ah,
an Aries...that adds on 10%...favorite lunch meat?
YAKKO: Do you want to make this take longer than it has to? We have other people to
pick up, you know. Just answer the questions.
GENT: [Disgruntled.] Bratwurst.
YAKKO: [Flipping.] Oh, b' is early in the alphabet...you're lucky...that's only,
ehm...60 bucks more! Pancakes or waffles?
YAKKO: Oh, tsk tsk...that'll cost ya a hundred more.
GENT: A hundred...for waffles?!
YAKKO: Sure...those things sell like hotcakes...long distance provider?
GENT: Erm... MCI-Earthlink-Qwest-AT&T-Verizon...
YAKKO: Oh, that gives you a 20% discount...
YAKKO: But it also adds a 50% surcharge.
YAKKO: Ever see the All in the Family episode with Sammy Davis?
GENT: Eh, uh-huh?
YAKKO: Oh, I'm sorry, wrong answer...that'll cost ya, um...600 sounds fair, eh Wakko?
WAKKO: Right! [Punches it into the calculator. The guy groans.]
YAKKO: Now, then, uh...Dot, what year is this car?
DOT: [Reading the User's Manual.] Looks like 1985...
YAKKO: Alright, we add that on...multiply it all by the square root of your social
security number, plus your pants size and age...and that all comes out to...what, Wakko?
WAKKO: [Sitting in the middle of a mess of papers, with a pencil in his hand. He sticks
it behind his ear, and reads off the calculator.] Five million, seven hundred sixty-seven
thousand, seven hundred eight dollars, and forty cents.
[The Gent merely stutters as Yakko grabs his wallet out of his hands, counts out this
sum, and returns it to his pocket. Yakko pockets the money.]
YAKKO: There you are. Thank you for choosing Rainbow Cab Company. We hope you had a
pleasant trip, and please come again! [He waves at the guy.]
DOT: Hey, Yakko...while we're here, why not see what's going on with the Studio these
WAKKO: But couldn't our learning of the future cause disastrous repercussions in the
space-time continuum and conceivably eradicate the entire universe as we know it?
YAKKO: [Somberly] Wakko's right.
DOT: Oh, really? Cool! Let's go, then! [They rush into the Admin Building.]
[We fade to a well-furnished office. The owner of the office is sitting in her chair,
with the back to the window, talking on the phone.]
FAMILIAR VOICE: Is everything all set for Full House: The Reunion Special? Good,
good...what do you *MEAN* you couldn't get Mary-Kate?! [She swings around in her chair,
and we see that it's none other than Minerva Mink. She looks more or less the same as she
did in our time, and is wearing a blue suit jacket over a light sleeveless top.] She said
*WHAT*?! ...alright...well, thanks for trying, Larry... [She hangs up the phone.]
Sheesh...they win an Oscar® or two, and all of a sudden they think they're such hot
shots... [She presses a button on her intercom.] Hey, Jim...did you get through to Lucas
JIM: [On the other end.] Yeah...he says he's cool with Tarantino directing Star Wars
IX: Revenge of the Wampa Snow Creature...but he doesn't think much of the proposed
C-3P0 death scene.
MINERVA: Great! Give Quentin a buzz, ASAP. And, could'ja order me a tuna salad for
JIM: Can do!
[Minerva turns to some papers lying on her desk and begins sorting through them.
Suddenly, there's a knock on the door. Shes gets up and walks over, but when she opens it,
there's no one there. She shrugs and returns to her desk--only to find the Warners there.
Yakko is sitting in Minerva's chair with his feet on the desk; Wakko is spinning around in
a nearby swivel chair and pulling the lever simultaneously, so that it goes up and down as
well as round and round; Dot is liberally taking folders from a nearby file cabinet and
throwing them out the window.]
MINERVA: [Startled for a moment, then regaining herself.] What exactly is going on
YAKKO & WAKKO: [In chorus] Hellooooo, Nurse!
YAKKO: Hi! We figured nobody was home, so we decided to let ourselves in.
[Minerva runs over to Dot, and grabs several folders from her hand.]
MINERVA: And just what do you think you're doing?
DOT: Honey, honey...look at these drab things! Creamy-yellow is so passe...[She pulls
in a pile of folders that are an assortment of colors.] Now, I have a line of
color-coordinated folders here that'll knock your stockings off!
YAKKO: [Wiggling his eyebrows at Minerva.] Think you could knock anything else off?
[He's suddenly hit in the nose by a little pellet. He glances angrily at Dot.] Ow!
Alright, I'm sorry!
DOT: [Standing next to a rope.] Wasn't me...I was just gonna drop a 16-ton anvil on
YAKKO: Then who-- [Spins around and sees Wakko, holding an empty pen cartridge in his
mouth with one hand, and holding a fistful of small ball-shaped candies from a bowl on
Minerva's desk in the other. He giggles.] You think that's funny, eh? Well, let's see how
you like this... [In one fluid movement, Yakko knocks over Minerva's desk and jumps behind
it. He then pokes his head up, and begins making paper airplanes loaded with paper clips.
He throws them, and they proceed to bomb Wakko with the paper clips. Soon, an all-out war
had been declared throughout the office, with everything from pencil erasers to computer
parts being used as ammo. Minerva stares in horror.]
MINERVA: My...my office!
DOT: Hey, this is nothing...you shoulda seen the time we busted into Ted Turner's
MINERVA: What happened?
DOT: It's a little hazy...all I remember is that when we left, he was stapled to the
wall, and covered with five pads' worth of those little sticky papers...
MINERVA: Erm...boys! Boys! Wouldn't you rather...um...lick flavored stamps? [She holds
up a roll of stamps.]
WAKKO: Oh, flavored stamps!
YAKKO: The wonders of the future, my boy!
[The two run over and commence the proceedings...]
YAKKO: Oh, this one's banana-strawberry!
WAKKO: This one's kiwi-avocado!
WAKKO: [Sniffing the stamp like a wine connoisseur.] With a hint of vanilla extract, if
I'm not mistaken.
MINERVA: [Turning to Dot.] At any rate, haven't I told you kids to stay out of my
DOT: Uh...well, see, here's the thing...we're not the Warners you know in 2015. We've
come from over fifteen years in the past...
MINERVA: Oh!...well, do you come with a mission? Are you trying to find the answer to
some life-threatening secret? Or do you bring us some sort of message about goings-on in
your time that could well affect our very existence?
DOT: Nah...actually, we just thought it'd be kinda fun. ...say, what's an airhead like
you doing in charge of this place, anyways?
MINERVA: "Airhead"? Ha! I'll have you know I'm dozens of times more competent
than anyone who's filled this position in the past...in fact, I've brought back your show.
DOT: [Suddenly excited.] Really? With new episodes?!
MINERVA: Well, I probably shouldn't tell you your own future, buuut...eh, what the
heck. Yes, Animaniacs is pulling in tremendous profits for the Studio...and there's
an added plus: we've given you guys such a busy filming schedule, you don't have nearly as
much time to wreak havoc all over the Lot. [She rubs her hands together happily.]
DOT: [Dreamily.] New Animaniacs episodes...wow...so, I guess the Kids' WB!
lineup is actually good now? No more junk like Max Steel?
MINERVA: [Fidgeting.] Well, erm...actually, *THAT* show is still on...it's still
pulling in really good ratings! [Reassuringly.] But other than that, our lineup is
flawless. Besides, you kids have fun dropping anvils on Max's head when he's between
takes! [Dot smiles.]
DOT: And all the rest are still around too? Slappy & Skippy, and Buster & Babs,
and Freakazoid, and the Goodfeathers...
MINERVA: Of course! All except Pinky & the Brain. We called them and asked them if
they'd like to come back and film new episodes, but Brain's gotten even more bitter in his
age...he went into a long-winded tirade about being sick of the TV business and the fickle
public, and not wanting to see any of his former costars again, least of all Elmyra and
you gag-abusing "Warner brats"... So, good riddance.
DOT: Aww...he sounds sad. I think we should go cheer him up. Whaddayasay, guys?
WAKKO: [Glancing at the remainder of the stamps.] May as well...all that's left is
DOT: Then, c'mon! [She leads the boys out of the office. Before exiting, she smiles at
Minerva.] Thanks, by the way.
YAKKO: [To Minerva.] Hey, if you're ever in 2000, look me up!
MINERVA: [Giggles.] Sure... [She walks over to her desk and sits down, very
businesswoman-like, and begins filing some papers. Jim, a strong, hunky guy in a
muscleshirt enters, carrying Minerva's lunch.]
JIM: Here's your tuna salad, Ms. Mink. [Minerva goes through the usual bit, drooling,
popping her eyes, blowing like a whistle, "hoo-hoo"-ing, and finally jumping
into his arms. He looks pretty indifferent.] Do we have to go through this every time I
walk into your office?
MINERVA: Hey, I didn't hire you for your typing skills...
[Wipe to the Acme Labs of 2015, which looks a bit ramshackle and neglected; fade into a
cage with the mice, who appear to be working on another scheme for global conquest. Both
have some gray fur. Brain has some more wrinkles above his brow, and wears an even bigger
scowl than we're used to. Pinky, despite looking a bit older, still maintains his
cheerfulness and youthful exuberance.]
PINKY: So, what do you wanna do tonight, Brain?
BRAIN: The same thing we do every night, Pinky: try to take over the world!
[Singing is heard from outside the cage. Upon looking outward, the mice find it to be
coming from the Warners, with Yakko holding a magnifying glass next to the cage, and Wakko
holding a ruler, á la the A! version of the "Pinky & the Brain" theme
WARNERS: [Singing.] They're dinky, they're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,
BRAIN: [Annoyed] What are you Warner brats doing here?! I believe I've already informed
that mustelid minx that we have no interest in returning to your banal show. Now if you'll
kindly take your leave, my associate and I have more important things--
YAKKO: Aw, c'mon, Brain, loosen up! I'm sure Pinky would've loved to come back! Right,
PINKY: [Not able to deny it, but not wanting to betray Brain, he just stares at the
floor.] Uh...um, well...
YAKKO: Anyways, we're not the Warners you're thinking of, Brain...we've come from the
year 2000 in a DeLorean time machine for... Aaah, why did we come here again?
WAKKO: Umm... [Flips backwards through the script] I think it was to get away from an
irate Axel Foley, remember?
YAKKO: Oh, yeah...
DOT: [Gently at first, then becoming increasingly annoying.] But, at any rate...why so
glum, Brain? Was it that stint with Elmyra? The stress of coming up with new plans for
world domination every night, only to watch them fail miserably? The sudden dawning
awareness that your entire life up to this point has been completely useless and wasted,
and that you've been striving unsuccessfully for the same one thing for over 22 years? Is
that it? Huh, huh, huh?
BRAIN: [Tartly.] So, it's back to this again...back to the old days of you relentlessly
driving me out of my mind with your infantile pranks. Let's see, 2000...if I recall
correctly, you three are still abusing those same two spatial distortion tricks without
WAKKO: Er...well, yeah...
DOT: Come on, Brain...didn't you enjoy all the glory and popularity you got being a TV
BRAIN: "Popularity"? Ha! As soon as our show was cancelled, the audience
forgot us...took to Detention and The Powerpuff Girls with nary a second
thought. The last thing I need is a fairweather following...besides, I want to be
appreciated for my intellect, not for some moronic slapstick shenanigans performed in
front of a camera.
DOT: But you've got to admit that it did feel kinda good--
BRAIN: Listen, if you're planning on subjecting me to another psychoanalytical session,
forget it. You always got your sole pleasure in life from annoying me, and anyone else
with any grain of intellect and refinement in their bodies. Well, I'm not coming back, so
you can just go find someone else to bug.
YAKKO: Oh, bruddah.
BRAIN: Now, if you'll excuse us, we have a big night ahead of us, so I'm sure you won't
mind showing yourselves the door.
WAKKO: Nah...that gag's been done to death.
YAKKO: Well, if *THAT'S* how you feel Brain...
BRAIN: [Acidly.] That isn't half of how I feel...but I'm too polite to say the rest.
DOT: [Coldly] Then, good day. [To Pinky, sympathetically.] G'bye, Pinky. [The three
walk out. Yakko begins to close the door behind him. He goes insanely slow so as not to
slam it--however, this also causes the hinges to emit a prolonged squeak. Brain scowls
furiously. Finally, just as the door is about to be closed, Yakko quickly opens it up
again, and slams it shut as hard as he can. The three kids can be heard giggling as they
BRAIN: Irksome whelps...now, where were we? [Pinky is obviously a bit angry at Brain
for the way treated the Warners, but he tries to swallow it, and ultimately succeeds.]
PINKY: Um...tonight's plan for taking over the...thing...?
BRAIN: Ah, yes! Tonight's plan to take over the thing--er, the world--involves *THIS*!
[Whips out a spray bottle.] As you know, Pinky, every important businessman and government
official in the world carries pens in his pocket. Thus, the world will be crippled when it
comes into contact with my latest, greatest creation--Ink-ling! I will release this
serum into the air in gas form. When it encounters the chemicals in any type of ink, it
will initiate a reaction that will result in a drastic expansion in the ink's mass. Every
pen on Earth will explode...billions of people all over the world will have soiled suits,
and will have to hurry to the nearest washroom to wash the stain before it dries. In the
ensuing turmoil, I--
PINKY: ...will rise to power?
BRAIN: Why, yes, Pinky! How did you know that?
PINKY: Um...I'm not sure...but, Brain?
PINKY: Um...how to put this nicely...isn't this plan just the slightest
BRAIN: Silly? Pinky, at the end of tonight, when this plan proves to be the one that
finally puts me in charge of the world, I'll make you eat those words!
PINKY: Oh, um...will I be able to add salt and seasonings?
BRAIN: [Wryly.] Why? Are they too bland for your tastes? [Handing Pinky the bottle.]
Now, obviously, I can't send my concoction to the furthest reaches of the world with this
dinky spray bottle. How I plan to carry that out is the real beauty of my plan...here,
hold this a moment... [He walks off to get something, leaving Pinky, holding the bottle,
to shrug at us.]
[We fade to a peaceful shot of the WB Lot. Suddenly, the whole Lot is shaken by an
earth-shattering kaboom, and a gigantic explosion erupts from the heart of the Studio. We
pull in, to see a soundstage--or what little is left of it. Slappy climbs up out of the
debris, as does her rather irate director. Slappy cackles joyfully.]
SLAPPY: Eh, I love my work... And Ma useta say I shoulda gone in for law school...ha ha
ha! [The director glares at her.]
[We cut to the Warners, watching this scene. They nonchalantly walk off, before anyone
can notice them.]
WAKKO: Wow! That musta been the most brilliant cartoon Slappy's ever made!
YAKKO: Yeah! She must've clobbered Walter a thousand times in the course of six
DOT: And that was the most original and violent use of Nestle® Quik chocolate
powder mix I've ever seen!
YAKKO: Only Slappy could--
[Suddenly, there is a flash of light similar to when the Warners first came to the
future. A DeLorean with a # 2 painted on it appears.]
YAKKO: What the--?
[Axel Foley steps out of the second car.]
AXEL: You little (bleeps) thought you could hide from me? It just so happens that I
stole a spare DeLorean from the Doc! Fortunately for myself, all his equipment defaults to
WAKKO: Why didn't he tell us about the spare car?
AXEL: Well I know how to deal with you (bleeps). [Axel pulls out a large club.] You
like the future so much, why not stay here... Forever!
[He smashes the Warners' car with the club. Then jumps back into his.]
DOT: Oh no!
AXEL: So long suckers! Ha ha ha! [He drives off.]
WAKKO: This is terrible!
YAKKO: Joke's on him. We'll still be young in the future but he'll be old and decrepit.
WAKKO: But I didn't want to stay in the future. I wanna go home!
DOT: And now we're stranded.
WAKKO: What are we gonna do Yakko? What are we gonna do?
YAKKO: We're going to have to look for help.
DOT: But who could possibly help us?
[A distanced but incredibly loud voice shouts, "We can!"]
[Cut to Axel, speeding in his DeLorean. As the speedometer approaches 88, he tries to
ease on the brake, and finds that it has no affect. He hits it harder, to no avail.]
AXEL: What the (bleep)?! Why won't this piece of (bleep) stop? [Hitting the dashboard.]
(Bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)-- [After he gives it a particularly violent kick,
the engine peters out, and it slows to a halt in the year 3024. Axel straightens himself
out, and cautiously steps out of the car.] Oh, (bleep), please don't let some freaky
(bleep)in' futuristic mutants attack me...pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease...
[Suddenly, some dark figures can be seen moving in the shadows.] Oh, (bleeeeep).
FIGURE: Excuse me...it would appear that you machine has been...disabled.
AXEL: [Trying to sound like his usual overbearing self, but obviously scared out of his
wits.] Er...yeah! What the (bleep) would you make of it? Uh......(bleep)...?
FIGURE: I know where you can get another machine, if you could do us a favor. Perhaps
we could make some sort of...bargain?
AXEL: [Gulping.] Uh...at your service? [Smiles nervously. The figures chuckle
[Cut back to the Warners, looking around confusedly for the source of the mysterious
YW&D: Who said that?
[The Warners turn around to see a man in a trench coat that bears a strong resemblance
to George Carlin, and an attractive-looking man in a policeman-like uniform that bears a
strong resemblance to Jean Claude Van Damme.]
OFFICER: Hello, there. This is Ruford, and I'm Max, a Temporal Violations enforcement
officer... A 'Timecop', if you will.
WAKKO: Can we call you 'Mr. Dinky Kickboxing Man'?
MAX: Um, no...
DOT: Hellooooo nurse! [She leaps into Max's arms, and begins kissing him repeatedly.]
Y&W: Girls, go fig...
MAX: Miss, *please* desist with the kissing! We're here to help you return to your
proper place in time.
YAKKO: Our show having a lucratively strong prime-time timeslot with ample network
RUFORD: Heh, heh... Here in the future, your show *is* showing renewed interest, thanks
to Minerva Mink's efforts... but as for how soon relative to 2000 your show'll be
supported by Kids WB again... well, I can't reveal the specific year of renewed interest
in Animaniacs to you, but I'm afraid you'll have be satisfied with Wakko's Wish
tiding the fans over for *quite* awhile...
[The Warners look glum for a brief moment.]
MAX: We're here to help you return to 2000. Our instruments picked up several
time-travel incidents today alone, with the latest by a mister Axel Foley. With the help
of our close associate Mr. Ruford here, we were informed of the destruction of your
time-travelling vehicle by this Mr. Foley. Realizing your destiny is not to be stranded
here in the year 2015, we've decided to send you back home!
WAKKO: Faboo! I think I'll miss the scarecrow most of all, though...
DOT: Wrong story, Wakko! Plus, Pinky and the Brain already used that joke...
WAKKO: Oh, right...
MAX: Please follow us. We'll take you and your smashed DeLorean back to headquarters,
where we'll repair the car, and send you on home!
WARNERS: All right!
RUFORD: C'mon, then, let's go!
[We fade to Axel, back in 2015, walking down a quiet street. He's muttering to
AXEL: Alright, now I've stalled those (bleep)in' kids here for a day...but once those
(bleep)holes at Timecop Headquarters repair their machine, they'll be on their merry
(bleep)in' way! I've gotta send 'em even further into the future...somewhere they'll never
get back from! Getting them there should be easy enough...but how to bait them into the
trap... [Suddenly, a huge explosion jolts the street. Axel whirls around to see the Acme
Labs behind him.] Say...that's where those (bleep)in' mice live! [He runs up to the Lab,
and cautiously peers into the window.] Well, I'll be (bleep)ed...
[We cut to the interior of the Acme Laboratory. Pinky is sitting on a control panel,
which reads "Ink-ling Circulation," and has several buttons. Pinky has his
hand on one with the words "Instantaneous Discharge," in a way that suggests
he's just pushed it a few seconds ago. We pan across the Lab--the air is filled with a
pink-ish gas, every single pen in the Lab has exploded, and as a result, the entire place
is coated from floor to ceiling with ink. Brain is holding an exploded pen and is also
covered with ink. He stands glowering for a moment, then walks away from the spot where he
was (leaving an outline in the ink on the wall) and approaches Pinky. He looks for a
moment at Pinky, his paw still on the button. Brain then brings the pen around in a
circular swoop, connecting with Pinky's head in the process.]
BRAIN: [Annoyed.] No, *NOT* that red button.
PINKY: [Grinning sheepishly.] Hee hee...um, whoops. [Curiously.] So, uh...now what,
BRAIN: Now... [The anger leaves him, as he sighs.] Now, I suppose I'll be heading for
the tub so that I may cleanse my delicate fur in time for tomorrow night...
PINKY: Why, Brain? What're we gonna do tomorrow night?
BRAIN: The same thing we do every night, Pinky: try to take over the-- [Suddenly, a human
hand reaches into frame and grabs the two mice.] Hey! What--? [They're brought to level
with the face of the owner of the hand--Axel Foley.] Axel Foley? Here, now...what is
AXEL: Heh heh...you'll see soon enough...
[Wipe to the Warners and Max, at Timecop H.Q.]
MAX: According to our best scientists, it'll take about another day to examine and
reconstruct your vehicle. In the meantime, our facilities are at your complete disposal.
Do you have any questions?
YAKKO: Yeah...do *you* have Cartoon Network?
WAKKO: Can we order some pizzas?
DOT: [Gazing at Max longingly] Do you think I'm *cute*? [Yakko and Wakko roll their
MAX: Um, no, maybe, and...yes.
WARNERS: All right!
MAX: Feel free to make yourselves at home.
[The Warners do so...Wakko picks up a nearby phone and a phonebook, and calls a pizza
parlor. Yakko hops over to a couch, and turns on the TV. Dot is still gazing at Max, who
looks at her a bit nervously.]
MAX: Umm...how about we go sit down and watch some TV, Miss Warner?
DOT: [In a daze] Uh...sure...whatever... [Sighs happily, and walks over to the couch
[Someone knocks at the door; Wakko goes over and answers it. We see a guy wearing a
suit with a logo that reads "Papa John's Little Caesar Pizza Hut."]
GUY: Pizza for Wakko Warner. That'll be $75. Press your thumb to this plate, please.
[He holds out a Newton-pad-like device with a metal plate attached.]
WAKKO: Boy, that sure is expensive, but...ok! [He presses his thumb to the plate; the
guy hands him the pizza.]
GUY: Thanks! Hey...no tip?! Geez, whatta cheapskate... Ta think I liked that new TV
show of his, too... [The guy leaves, closing the door behind him.]
[Wakko tosses the package into the air, and swallows it, box and all.]
WAKKO: *BURP*! Excuse me...heh-heh...
DOT: [Watching this whole scene from the couch.] Well, that was pointless.
YAKKO: Um, yeah...anyway, let's see what's on TV here...
[He flips the channel with the remote control. The TV channel changes to what looks
like a Kids' WB affiliate, complete with a promo and annoying announcer's voice.]
ANNOUNCER: If you thought that our Comedy Calvacade' wasn't enough, well, we've
got great news for you! Starting tomorrow, you can catch all-new episodes of Animaniacs:
the Next Generation and The New Tiny Toon Adventures Adventures!
[Clips from episodes of future versions of A!, TTA, F!, etc. air in rapid succession.
The Warners and Max smile broadly.]
ANNOUNCER: As well as more of your personal old favorites! [Cue clips of other shows,
such as Earthworm Jim and Road Rovers, as we as some clips from shows as yet
unseen by 2000-dwelling denizens.] And yes, more of your favorite action-based series as
well... [Cue two one-second-apiece clips of Batman in mid-punch, and a clip of what
appears to be a Justice League cartoon series.] All here on *Kids' WB*! Don't miss it!
YAKKO: Boy, who'da thunk we'd wind up treated so well by our own network?
WAKKO: Yeah, or that there'd *finally* be a Justice League cartoon?
DOT: Or that they're actually producing promotional material that doesn't involve
redubbing previous animation! And they've stopped playing to the lowest common
denominator! And that they've realized that a show can score ratings with children and
still be popular with adults, too!
MAX: I hope this inspires some hope for you three, especially once you've returned to
your own time.
[Suddenly, the picture on the screen becomes distorted.]
YAKKO: Hey, what's going on?
[The picture forms the image of Axel Foley, standing in the midst of the ink disaster
in Acme Labs.]
AXEL: Hey, you (bleeps)! Your old friend Axel here! I figured while I was borrowing
Doc's car there, I'd look up both our futures, and you guys' future turns out a lot better
than mine! In the (bleep)in year 2015, I'm still pluggin' away as some two-bit Detroit
cop, while you guys are makin' it large on the tube again! Plus, I'm still really
(bleep)ed off over your dumpin' me as a friend just for doin' a voiceover for Mulan!
[Tears start to well up a bit in his eyes.] I mean...I thought you guys were my (bleep)in'
buddies...then you turn on me just like that? I'm not such a bad guy...I just want some
(bleep)in' acceptance...I just want to be loved... [Suddenly returning to himself.] So, I
decided to get revenge on you by trashin' this Lab and blowin' your mousy friends to
Kingdom (bleep)in' Come! [Laughs.] And look what else I got... [A figure steps out of the
shadows, and we see what it is. A metallic-armored cyborg, with various weaponry being
carried on its back, and it physically resembles a human-sized version of Brain.]
YAKKO: [Gasps] Hey, it's a Verminator...from the "Pinky & the Brain"
AXEL: That's right, chumps! Through a few...connections' of mine, I managed ta
get access to this lovely piece of equipment and have him prepared ta do whatever I
VERMINATOR: [Speaking like "Ah-nold" Schwarzenegger] Sure, vhatevah you zay,
Mistah Mulan' dragon-voicing-man...
AXEL: [Looks briefly at the Verminator with some annoyance, then turns back to the
screen.] You know, this is my first act of real villainy...I don't like to brag, but if I
do say so, it's quite a work of art... [The camera pans over to Brain's silhouette in the
ink-covered wall--which, seen under this context, looks like the spot where Brain hit the
wall after whatever sort of atrocity Axel might have pulled.] ...wouldn't you agree?
[Chuckles self-indulgently; the screen then goes to static, and returns to the regular
broadcast--Dawson's Creek is airing, although all the stars are about 40 by now.
The TV flips off. We pan to Yakko, holding the remote, looking a tad frightened.]
YAKKO: Geez...I mean, the Brain of this world wasn't exactly Mr. Congeniality, but...he
couldn't really be...I mean, Axel wouldn't...would he?
MAX: From what I can tell, this guy's a few cashews short of a Planter's Mixed Nuts
WAKKO: So...you don't think he's a sufficient source of daily nutritional requirements?
MAX: Well, probably not...but now what can we do?
DOT: Seems pretty simple to me...we'll just go back in time an hour or so, go to the
Lab, and warn Brain.
MAX: Sure, but your DeLorean won't be ready for another twenty-four hours...
YAKKO: Eeehhh...I don't know about you guys, but I wouldn't mind getting this thing
cleared up as soon as possible...just the thought of Brain...and poor Pinky... [Shudders.]
DOT: Yakko's got a point...don't you fancy-schmancy clock-hopping gendarmes even have
some kind of time-traveling equipment lying around?
MAX: Well...I have an idea, but it's a tad...risky. Are you willing to try it?
YAKKO: Let us confer. [The three sibs form a circle. Yakko looks at the two other and
mutters something. Wakko shakes his head "no" gravely. Dot does the same. Yakko
nods his head solemnly in agreement. The three turn to Max, looking very somber for a
minute. Then, they all simultaneously light up, and Yakko yells:] Okay!
MAX: Alright, then...this way... [He begins to lead them away...we pan to Axel, ducked
behind some boxes nearby. He climbs out and walks over to a VCR that's fairly close to the
TV set our heroes were watching. He ejects a tape.]
AXEL: Perfect! This tape I filmed at the Lab made those kids think I blasted the mice's
(bleep)in' skulls open...and now that they're ready to take desperate measures, they'll
play right into my (bleep)in' hands! [More evil chuckling.]
[Fade to a short time later: the Warners and Max are being strapped into a rocket sled
on railroad tracks, with a long-haired, glasses-wearing guy at the controls, á la the Timecop
WAKKO: Guys, I'm scared! I mean, Axel took over the airwaves! That's an act of real
supervillainy! I've never had to face a real supervillain before...
YAKKO: Forget that, Wakko. I'm still wondering when Axel got clever, or got ahold of
that Acme Labs-designed killer cyborg technology!
DOT: I'm glad Mr. Timecop himself is coming back with us to stop him! [Sighs dreamily,
and gazes at Max.]
MAX: Well, anything to help a fan... [He smiles back at Dot.]
YAKKO: Great! C'mon, let's get... [Pointing finger forward.] *back...to...the....past*!
[All stare at him.] Well, the recent past...that is, although it's still the future to us
2000-dwellers, it's the past relative to our current--
[The time sled fires up, and rockets down the tracks, cutting him off. The Warners'
ears and faces curve back from the sled's speed, revealing their teeth and gums; Max
merely grits his teeth. Soon, the sled reaches the end of the tracks, and deposits Max and
the Warners in the past, or so they think...]
[The long-haired, glasses-wearing guy sits at the controls of the emergency time
machine. The man peels off his skin, revealing none other than...Axel Foley!]
AXEL: That spare makeup from The Nutty Professor sure came in handy! Little do
those little sons of (bleep)s know that instead of sending them back an hour, I've sent
them forward in time to the year 3024 A.D.! With those four stranded in the future, I can
do as I (bleep)ing well please!
[From behind Axel, the Verminator walks up with Pinky & the Brain in hand, tied
BRAIN: [Obviously rather frightened, but trying to maintain his cool.] Well, you must
think you're quite brilliant...using the ruined Lab to make the Warners think you'd bumped
us off...tricking them into taking drastic measures...sending them even further into the
future... Tell me, why didn't you really finish us?
AXEL: Kill you? Nah, I don't wanna (bleep)in' *KILL* nobody...I just wanted to get
those pesky kids out of the way. But now that I've sentenced the 2000 Warners to live out
the rest of their days over a thousand years in the future, here in 2015, they haven't
even existed for sixteen (bleep)in' years!
[He glances over at a table with a copy of "Variety"; the front page shows a
picture of the sibs and the headline "Crazed Kids Create Cuckoo Comeback; WB Future
Bright". However, as per Axel's statement re: the sibs' now-nonexistence, the front
page changes to read "WB Network Bombs With 'Huntsman Primetime Variety Hour', Future
Looks Bleak" and a picture of said archerer being pelted with tomatoes.]
BRAIN: So, what do you plan to do now?
AXEL: Actually, I'm not quite sure yet...but at any rate, I'm gonna go have some fun!
Vermy...make sure these (bleep)in' rodents don't escape while I'm gone.
VERMINATOR: You can count on me, bozz.
AXEL: Then, aloha! See ya in (bleep), ya (bleep)in' rodents! [He walks off laughing.
The Verminator sets the tied-up mice on a chair.]
PINKY: [Whispering to Brain.] Brain, what are we going to do? We've got to save the
BRAIN: Yes, as vexing as it is, it's up to us to save those little hellions...
PINKY: But why is the Verminator evil again, Brain? Last time he was on our side!
BRAIN: True, but remember, all the events of our meetings with that Verminator eighteen
years ago were eliminated from the time stream. As things are now, it's quite possible
that he was never even built! However, those blueprints still exist in the Lab, which
accounts for the existence of this Verminator, and possibly more wherever he came from.
PINKY: [Not getting any of this.] Aaand...?
BRAIN: Aaand...when I looked at those blueprints, I happened to note that our friend
here has one big weakness...
PINKY: What's that, Brain?
BRAIN: He's a ham. [He turns to Vermy, and speaks smugly.] Say, I'll bet you couldn't
survive in the heat of a real battle. I think all that fancy weaponry is just for show. In
fact, I'll bet you don't even do your own stunts.
VERMINATOR: Oh, yah? Vatch dis, puny mousy man... [He goes into an action hero act,
jumping around, doing flips, and shooting things with his inherent weaponry. By the time
he's finished, every drape, lamp, table, chair, TV, and everything else is in shambles,
either from his jumping on them, shooting them, kicking them, or punching them.]
[Deadpan.] Maria picked out da living room set...I nevah cared for it. [Turns around to
the chair where the mice were tied up.] So, Braainy, vhat did you think of-- [He gasps
when he sees the string they were tied up in lying on the chair, and the mice gone.]
BRAIN: [Heard off-screen, from behind Vermy.] It looks like Brain outwits brawn once
again, my egotistical friend. I do hope you'll forgive me for shunning and running, but--
[Vermy suddenly whirls around and opens fire on the closet behind him, where it sounded
like Brain's voice was coming from. But as he spins around, we see the mice are actually
standing on the Verminator's shoulder. They hop to the ground. Vermy, not noticing, yells
over the sound of the firing weapon:]
VERMINATOR: Do you like sviss cheese, mices? Vell, you know vhat dey say... [He stops
firing as suddenly as he started. The closet door, more hole than wood at this point,
falls off its hinge to the floor.] ...you ah vhat you eat.
BRAIN: [From offscreen again.] You missed. [Vermy spins around in surprise, to find
Brain standing back on the chair where they'd been tied up.]
VERMINATOR: Oh...now see! You'fe made me vaste a perfectly good closet door!
BRAIN: Face it, my friend...to use the vernacular, you've been shellacked. [As he says
this, the Verminator looks down to see Pinky running around his feet, tying them together
with the string the mice had been tied in. He helplessly tries to stop him, but Pinky
pulls the string tight, and Vermy goes flying to the floor. Brain jumps off the chair, and
the two mice go running off.] Hasta la vista, Vermy!
VERMINATOR: [Thoroughly miffed.] Oh, I do hate haffing my own catchy tag lines turned
[We cut to the two mice, running away from the place as quickly as their little feet
will carry them.]
BRAIN: [Running as he speaks.] Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
PINKY: [Huffing and puffing.] I think so, Brain, but how could the Fonz play a miserly
old Scrooge when he never aged a week during Happy Days? [The mice pull around a
corner, and Brain signals that they've traveled far enough to stop and catch their breath.
Brain pants for a moment before he gathers himself and replies.]
BRAIN: No, Pinky, as intriguing as that may be... The only way to retrieve those imps
from the year 3024 is to undergo the absurdly risky process of traveling to said year
PINKY: But, where will we find a time machine at this time of night?
BRAIN: Not necessarily a time machine...by some miracle, might you recall the time we
cryonically froze froze ourselves for forty years?
PINKY: Um... Oh! Oh! Are we going to freeze Sylvester Stallone, and then set him free
thirty years from now, so he can wreak havoc in violent-free Las Angeles?
BRAIN: [Patiently.] Nope.
PINKY: Uh...put a down-on-his-luck pizza boy into deep-freeze for 1,000 years, and then
watch his zany antics in a wild and wacky future?
BRAIN: [Still maintaining patience.] Nuh-uh.
PINKY: Put Mr. Freeze's wife into suspension until--
BRAIN: [Grabbing Pinky's mouth shut.] Enough of the '90's nostalgia, Pinky. No, my
friend...we shall freeze ourselves, and set the chamber to awaken us in the year 3023!
PINKY: Don't you mean 3024, Brain?
BRAIN: No...we shall awaken in 3023. Then we shall have a year to prepare for the
Warners' coming--and I have a feeling we'll need it. Remember, we have no idea what to
expect in the world of the future! We'll be little help to the Warners unless we have some
time to get acquainted with the strange new world ourselves first.
PINKY: [Joyfully hugging Brain.] Oh, Brain! Risking your life for the Warners! You
really *DO* like them!
BRAIN: [Shoving Pinky off.] Nonsense...in fact, there's only one person on Earth that I
would less rather see right now. Still, being stranded so far in the future is a fate I
wouldn't wish on *ANYONE*...and besides, who knows what catastrophic result their absence
will have on the time stream?
PINKY: Oh, right! So...where are the symphonic capitulators? Or, um...whatever?
BRAIN: Er...that's where it gets a bit more complicated...with the Lab in the shape
that it is, I won't be able to get at our things for a week. And even if I could, it would
take several more weeks to build two cryonic chambers...
PINKY: Why don't we get help?
BRAIN: Preposterous! Who'd be willing to help us? And at any rate, who *COULD*? My
intellect is unmatched!
PINKY: Nuh-uuuh! I can think of someone even smarter than you...and she'd be *VERY*
willing to help us, if you'd only let her!
BRAIN: [Frustrated.] Pinky, what are you babbling about? I-- [It suddenly dawns on
him.] Oooh, no! Don't even think about it! She had her chance with us, and she blew it big
time. No, no way, uh-uh. [He stubbornly turns his back on Pinky and crosses his arms.]
PINKY: [Begging at Brain's feet.] But, Brain! You said yourself that it'd take weeks to
build a cyronic thingamabob! Think of all that could happen before then! Axel is running
rampant! He could find out about our plans and lock us up and we'd never be able to save
them! [Softly pleading.] If anyone can help, she can. Please...just give her a
BRAIN: [Looking down at the pathetic sight at his feet. Pinky's eyes are wide in fright
at what could happen, and filled with tears. He looks powerlessly up at Brain. Brain
sighs.] Alright...alright, we'll go to her. But how will we ever find her?
PINKY: [Jumping up excitedly.] Don't worry! I've got it written down in my address book
back at the Lab!
BRAIN: [Surprised.] Since when?
PINKY: Well, she knew I always had that spiffy address book you gave me for Christmas,
and how much I enjoy writing people's names down in the slots whenever I get the chance.
So, when she found a place, she sent me a letter with the address for me to write in nice,
pretty, big letters! I personally think it's some of my finer work.
BRAIN: Was this the only time you heard from her since we parted ways?
BRAIN: Hmph...I'll have to screen the mail more closely from now on... [Pinky gives him
a look that's about as close to reproach as he's capable of.] Well, then, let's go get
this book and be off...and you owe me big time for this one.
[Sudden cut to Billie. We see her carrying a shiny red bead, running and puffing
through an alley as if something were chasing her. She looks older and more tired than we
know her to be, but she's still in very good shape. She wears a worn-looking patchwork
quilt, tied around her neck like a cape. As she stops to catch a breath, we see what she's
running from--a big, black cat, which approaches silently from behind. At the last moment,
just before if can bring its paw down on her, she spots it, gasps, and dashes off,
clinging to the bead. The cat starts off in pursuit. As she runs, Billie knocks apple
cores, empty milk containers, and whatever else she can into the cat's path to slow him
down. As she turns the corner of the building, her "cape" snags on a broken
bottle bottom. It slips off her, and she goes tumbling forward, dropping the bead. The cat
is momentarily distracted by the piece of material, intrigued. Instead of escaping,
though, Billie turns around.]
BILLIE: Oh, heck...
[She goes dashing back, grabbing the quilt off the jagged piece of glass. The cat
attempts to bring his paw down on her, but she runs off just in time, and he gets a pawful
of the broken bottle. He yowls in pain and runs off. Billie grabs up the bead and runs
off, quilt in hand. She soon turns in to a little crack on the side of the building. We
follow her inside to see the place isn't nearly as shabby as the exterior would suggest.
She's surrounded by all manner of odd-looking gadgets and trinkets, painstakingly
manufactured from simple trinkets found on the street like bottle caps, crumpled bubble
gum wrappers, and discarded toys. She dejectedly throws her latest item, the bead, into
the corner, and passes all her creations without the slightest trace of admiration or
pride. She plops down at the back of the joint, in the darkest corner, and analyzes the
damage done to the quilt. It's received a tear along the bottom edge. Her eyes well up
with tears for a moment. She then closes her eyes and hugs the blanket close to her.]
BILLIE: [Whispering.] Aw, Pinky...
[We cut to the two mice, standing right outside Billie's crack in the wall. Pinky is
dragging a human-sized address book, which like everything else in the Lab, is covered
with ink on the outside.]
BRAIN: Are you *SURE* this is the place?
PINKY: Yep! Building 349, Crack No. 3B.
BRAIN: [Gruffly.] Very well...remember, I'm only doing this for you...don't expect for
me to be any more forgiving or hospitable toward her than I've ever been. [They march
inside. Pinky looks around in awe at Billie's achievements; Brain scoffs.] The world's
smartest rodent, and quite possibly the most intelligent being on Earth...wasting her
talents on useless trinkets! [He spins a propeller-like blade on one, and it falls off.]
Hm. Shoddy quality, too.
BILLIE: [Walking out from the shadows, still drying her eyes.] I'll thank you to leave
my stuff alo-- [Gasps.] Eggy?!
BRAIN: Yeah, but don't go breaking out the peace pipe. I'm only here because we need
your help-- [Billie doesn't even hear him. She runs over to Pinky and embraces him
BILLIE: Oh, Pinky! It's been so long...you still look as cute as ever! I just wish
I--oh, hang on! [She dashes over to the corner by the door and grabs the bead. She then
runs back to Pinky and hands it to him. He does his best to get his arms around it.]
PINKY: Ooo...a shiny!
BILLIE: Yeah...heh heh! A "shiny"! Oh, I've missed you...
BRAIN: [Ahem.] As I was saying...
BILLIE: [Running over to Brain.] Oh, Eggy, I'm so sorry about that New Year's incident, I really am! I never meant to--I mean--oh, can you ever forgive me? [Her eyes well
up with tears again, as she looks at him pleadingly.]
BRAIN: [Pitilessly.] That's not what I came here to talk about. Against my better
judgment, I came to seek your assistance. You see, Pinky and myself have become involved
in a matter of ubiquitous importance, and time is of the essence. A madman has been given
power that no person on Earth should have, and we must set things straight before he can
execute it. The fate of the very universe lies in our hands.
BILLIE: [Rather amused.] You always were a bit melodramatic.
BRAIN: Very well...I withdraw my request for assistance. Come, Pinky... [He begins
marching toward the door.]
BILLIE: [Grabbing him.] No! Wait! I'll-- [Calming down.] Fill me in on the details, and
I'll see what I can do. [Brain grimaces, but doesn't resist.]
[We fade ahead to the next morning. As the sun rises, we see a human-sized microwave
outside Billie's niche. She's on top of it with a screwdriver, making some final
adjustments. She then lowers a line off the top and slides down to the ground, to join the
BILLIE: Well, it's done!
BRAIN: *WHAT* is?
BILLIE: This will act as our cryonic chamber!
BRAIN: The microwave?
BILLIE: Mm-hm! I've readjusted the frequency of the microwaves so instead of agitating
and vibrating our water molecules, they'll freeze 'em!
BRAIN: Preposterous! Impossible! It can't be done.
BILLIE: [Grinning.] Nothing can be done, until it is done. Ain't that what science is
all about--doing things that could never be done before?
BRAIN: Bah. Don't try to double-talk me. There's no way I'm getting into that thing.
BILLIE: Oh, don't be such a baby... [She opens the door and shoves Brain inside,
despite his protests. Pinky hops in, and Billie punches "1008" on the timer, to
indicate the number of years they want to be frozen. She hits "Start," and
follows the others inside, shutting the door behind her. We hear their voices from
PINKY: Um, Brain? Two questions...
BRAIN: [Irritated.] Yes?
PINKY: First: How do we know this thing won't wind up buried beneath layers and layers
of dirt a thousand years from now?
BRAIN: [A bit nervous.] Er...I hadn't thought of that...what was the other question?
PINKY: How are we going to get back to the year 2015, again?
BRAIN: [Even more nervous.] Uh...um... [Hysterical.] Billie! Let me out of this
thing!!! Let me-- [Suddenly, he's silenced. We hear no more from anyone inside, as frost
begins to cover the front screen...]
On to Part 2
On to Part 3