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Fan Fics

Animaniacs Analects
By Craig M. J. Marinaro

[Fade in on the Oscars, filmed in live action. The logo boasts, "The 70-Somethingth Academy Awards, on The WB!" Billy Crystal walks out, with five o'clock shadow and looking less than enthusiastic.]

BILLY CRYSTAL: Well, wasn't that a fabulous two-and-a-half hour performance by Mr. Philip Glass, ladies and gentlemen? At the beginning of that number, Woody Allen was young. [Polite laughter from crowd.] No, but seriously...he wasn't. Well, it's 3 AM...who's for putting this puppy out of its misery? [A resounding cheer from the crowd.] Great...so we'll skip all the suspense garbage and just cut right to the chase. [Opening an envelope and reading its contents.] Best Supporting Actress: Weena Mercator; Best Actress' Support: Julia Roberts' bra; Best Actress: Meryl Streep; Best Actor: Tom Green; and the winner of Best Film of the year is-- [Sudden cut to The WB logo.]

NETWORK ANNOUNCER: Your attention, please. We interrupt this historic moment in order to bring you a silly cartoon! Thank you.

[Cut to the Animaniacs main titles. The variable verse is the Warners in a recording studio singing, "Yet another refrain-y!"]

[After the titles, we fade in on Yakko, talking on a payphone.]

YAKKO: [Looking around warily.] Operator...there are some men following me. I need you to do exactly as I tell you. Time is of the essence...the lives of three Senators and one Supreme Court Justice hang in the balance.

OPERATOR: [Over the phone.] Oh, dear! What can I get you?

YAKKO: [Glances to make sure no one is listening, then leans in close to the mouthpiece.] [Whispering ridiculously low.] The next cartoon. [He holds the phone up to us, and the camera pans into the earpiece. Fade to black.]

[Fade in on the title card:]

"Here's Looking at You!"

[Open on Wakko skipping merrily through the meadow on all fours, like a puppy, with a bone in his mouth--a T-bone, to be exact. He arrives at a bridge over a small stream, and happily bounds onto the bridge. He leans up on the rail, and stares down at the water below. We cut to his P.O.V., and see what he sees. His reflection looks identical to him--except that in its mouth it's got a full T-bone steak! He does a double-take, then growls angrily at the reflection. The reflection growls back. He recoils, as does the reflection. He looks at us, bewildered, for a beat, then goes running frantically back across the meadow and over a hill, where we see Yakko & Dot sitting on a blanket, having a picnic.]

WAKKO: [Pulling the bone out of his mouth.] Guys! Guys! Come quick! There's another me in the river!

YAKKO: Whoa-whoa-whoa...cool it kiddo. Now, think about what you're saying, and tell us slooowwwly.

WAKKO: [Takes a deep breath, then goes right back to his excited manner again.] I was running over the bridge, and I looked in the water, and I saw somebody who looked just like me!

[Yakko and Dot exchange piteous glances and shake their heads.]

DOT: [Putting her arm around Wakko.] Wakko...have you ever looked in a mirror? I know you understandably try to avoid it whenever possible, but--there's a little thing called reflections...can you say that, boys and girls? "Reee-fleck-shun."

WAKKO: [Annoyed.] Nonono...it was my reflection, but...it was holding a T-bone!

YAKKO: Yeeeees...and that was the reflection of the T-bone you were holding! [Grabs the bone from Wakko's hand.] You see, oddly enough, inanimate objects have reflections too.

WAKKO: [Snatching his bone back.] But it wasn't *MY* bone! It had meat on it! Yummy, juicy, delectable meat! [Wipes a bit of drool off his lower lip.]

YAKKO: I think he's finally lost it.

DOT: [Humoring him.] Alllllright, Wakko...if we come to look at this phantom reflection, will you stop raving like a demented lunatic? [Wakko nods vigorously. Yakko and Dot sigh, and follow him as he leads them back to the bridge.]

[The three gather around the rail, and stare down into the water. They all gasp. Wakko's reflection is as before, Dot's has a snazzy-looking flower around her ears, and Yakko's is holding one of those "invisible dog" leashes.]

DOT: Hey! She's wearing an off-vermilion Asian hibiscus syriacus! No fair...I want one!

YAKKO: And he's got one of those invisible dogs I've always wanted to buy...but *SOMEONE* wouldn't let me. [Glares at Dot.]

DOT: You can get an invisible dog when you're responsible enough to feed and walk and clean up after him yourself. [Yakko crosses his arms and puts on a pouty expression.]

WAKKO: So, uh...what do we do about them?

YAKKO: Ah, this is silly...I'm sure there's a perfectly sensible explanation for this! The water's probably just acting kind of strange because of all the pollution! Here, watch. [Yakko picks up a rock off the ground, and chucks it down into the water. Wakko's reflection swings his T-bone like a baseball bat and deflects the rock. It comes flying back and beans Yakko in the head.]

DOT: [Sarcastically.] Yeah, that must be some pollution.

WAKKO: Don't worry...I saw something like this in a movie once... [He goes into the ol' Vaudeville "mirror routine," making gookies, dancing around, doing silly walks, etc. He notices that the reflection does the exact same thing. He then ducks behind the rail, and peeks slowly out. The reflection moves in perfect synchronization with him. He pulls off his hat, to reveal a sombrero underneath. The reflection does the same trick at the same time. Then, both he and the reflection pull off one hat after another in rapid succession--fedoras, fezzes, straw hats, berets, Mickey Mouse hats, etc. They both stop abruptly, both wearing baseball hats--but Wakko's is for the Red Sox, and the reflection's is the White Sox. Wakko eyes his doppelganger suspiciously, and the reflection quickly switches over to a Red Sox hat.]

DOT: That's it...I'll solve this! [She whips out a long straw, bends over, and puts one end into the water. She blows into the other end. But before she can make any significant amount of bubbles, her reflection grabs the end of the straw and pinches it shut. Dot's face turns red trying to blow before she realizes it's been closed up.]

DOT'S REFLECTION: Hey, quit it! That tickles! The nerve of some people... [A tremendous tidal wave suddenly forms in the river, overshadowing our Warners. On the wave are the three reflections, now enlarged to tremendous proportions.]

WAKKO'S REFLECTION: Wanna see me make bubbles with my spit? [He begins to blow gargantuan bubbles, which float toward the Warners. One pops on the railing, and blows up half the bridge. The Warners, standing on the other side of the bridge, let out a yelp, and run off into the horizon as fast as their little feet will carry them. Once they're gone, the wave dies down.]

FAMILIAR VOICE: Hopefully that will at least scare them out of doing that "two places at once" bit for awhile... [A mini-submarine with a hologram projector rises up out of the water. The top opens, and Pinky & the Brain pop out.]

BRAIN: [Smiling at us.] To quote the Bugs Bunny..."ain't I a stinker"? [Closing notes.]

===

[Fade in on Wakko walking the streets of a big city in a trenchcoat. Randy Beaman's pal Colin walks by, and Wakko pulls him to one side of the street. He opens his trenchcoat, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, although he accidentally drops several watches, a wine glass, and a telephone, making an annoying clatter.]

WAKKO: [Talking in a "tough" voice.] Hey, kid. Can I interest you in some...merchandise? Watches, car stereo systems, chocolate Easter bunnies?

COLIN: Do you have anything a bit more...funny?

WAKKO: Yeah, I think I have what you're looking for in stock... [Rummages through the coat a bit.] Ah-ha! Here it is!

COLIN: What is it?

WAKKO: The next cartoon! [Camera pans into his trenchcoat, fade to black.]

[Fade in on the title card:]

"The Evolution of the Modern Female"

[Fade in on a comely female silhouette, highlighted against a dark background. A voice similar to the narrator in those old Disney "educational" shorts comes up.]

NARRATOR: What is this figure? How did it get here? What does it want? And where does it get the power to cloud men's minds? We shall attempt to answer at least one or two of these questions in the next few minutes...so join us, won't you? [The lights come up on the silhouette, to reveal Minerva Mink standing in a tight-fitting cavegirl, her hair done up with a bone, standing in a meadow.] Submitted for your perusal: the Woman. From the beginning of time this creature has caused an infinite amount of confusion to males of all types and ages. In fact, the one unifying factor amongst the male denomination is their utter cluelessness when it comes to dealing with this fragile but highly competent figure. This all started millennia ago, before even the most primitive societies had been formed, and we still lived in the wild. In these uncivilized, unruly days, anything could and did go. And it is here that our story begins...

[Minerva slips the bone out, and her hair comes tumbling down. Newt comes out of some bushes in caveman garb, and he goes through the expected moves upon sighting Minerva. His tongue wags down, and his eyes stretch out of his head, wrap around Minerva's body several times, finally arriving at the head and staring into her eyes. He regains himself and begins to ponder.]

NARRATOR: Here, we see our smitten male trying to conceive a way to obtain the attention of this lovely creature. [Newt glances down at the club he holds in his hand, and a thought dimly occurs.] Well, whenever he'd ever had any other task to do, the club has always served the purpose perfectly. So why not now? [Newt picks the club up and clobbers Minerva. She sits up on the ground, dazed, and looks up at Newt. He smiles a stupid, loving smile. She angrily smacks him in the chin, and sends him flying over the horizon.] And thus begins the relationship between these two fascinating characters, the Man and the Woman!

[We fade to a shot of a cheesy-looking house, resembling one of those '50's-era sitcom sets. A half-dozen or so kids are sitting on the floor, randomly playing and crying.]

NARRATOR: Now here we see a domestic dwelling, wherein live our male and female, now that they have become civilized. Here, the Woman's duties consist primarily of jobs about the house--taking care of the children and maintaining a pleasant appearance about the place. And of course, acting as cheerful as humanly possible when the man enters after a trying day of work. Let's look in on a typical evening, shall we?

[The door swings open, and Newt strolls in, dressed in a suit and carrying a suitcase.]

NEWT: Minky, I'm home! [We suddenly hear an eruption of applause and cheering at his entrance. He looks around bewildered, and we see not a studio audience, but a crowd of people gathered in the house's living room.] Mink...what are all these people doing in our house?

MINERVA: [Coming out of the kitchen carrying a tray of muffins.] Oh, I'm sorry, darling, I'd hoped they'd be gone by the time you got home. I was teaching a CPR class for some of the people in the neighborhood. I had eight minutes to spare after I finished bathing and feeding the children, washing and pressing your six dozen suits, cleaning the gutter, mopping the kitchen, sweeping the porch, repainting all the bedrooms, taking Jimmy's appendix out, and rearranging all of the furniture in your study, and didn't want the time to go to waste!

NEWT: Oh, is that all? Heh heh...be glad you gals aren't allowed to do any real work in this politically unaware era preceding women's lib!

MINERVA: Yes, honey. Of course, honey. Dinner should be ready in five minutes, honey.

NEWT: Five minutes?! And yet, I see you found time to style your hair! Who are you trying to impress, anyhow?

MINERVA: Actually, I just stuck a bobby pin in it to keep it out of my face while I polished the--

NEWT: Excuses, excuses! I'll have none of it. You failed. [He flops down in an easy chair.] Now, where the devil are my slippers? [Minerva demurely exits, and returns with the footwear in hand. He snatches them.] I smell meatloaf! Are we having meatloaf again? [She looks at the floor.] That's *TWICE* in one month! Oooh, the things I put up with...out of my sight, Mink! [She slinks off quietly. He snarls.]

NARRATOR: But, of course, one can't suppress one's feelings forever. Eventually, Woman was no longer able to contain herself, and lets her true emotions be seen.

[We fade to the same room, now a bit more run down. Newt strolls in the door. A nearby clock reads 1:15 AM. He plops into his chair.]

NEWT: Home, Mink! Sorry I'm late, I had a bit of work to attend to at the office. Oh, and if my secretary should call, tell her we'll still on for next Friday at that romantic little bistro on the corner of Lover's Lane! Business, of course. [Minerva silently walks in and places a tray in Newt's lap and uncovers it. He nods and she walks off. He begins to munch on the food, and then speaks with his mouth full.] Ergh...cold. Say, where *ARE* my slippers? [Suddenly, a huge, inhuman scream comes from offscreen, and the slippers come flying at Newt's head. They clonk him hard, and he drops to the floor.] Ooog...why ever did I buy those steel-soled slippers, anyway?

NARRATOR: Woman soon discovered that venting her anger gave her a surprisingly satisfying feeling. So, this became her primary means of protest. When Man acted like a jerk, Woman let him know it through random violent acts of protestation. [Shot of Newt strolling merrily in the door in the early hours of the morning, his face covered with lipstick. Plates come flying at him in rapid-fire succession, and he jumps every which way to dodge them. We pan over to Minerva, throwing them off a seemingly endless pile like frisbees, and smiling slyly.] But even this eventually grew tiring, and Woman, tired of being suppressed, decided to strike it out on her own in the real world.

[Fade to a montage of Minerva trying out for various careers in a big city, including ice cream scooper, phone operator, lumber processor, glass blower, and brewery bottle capper. A song plays over the montage.]

MINERVA: [Voice-over, singing; parody of the Laverne & Shirley theme]:
Hum me any song, I'll fake it
Give me fine china, I'll break it
I'm gonna make my dreams come true
[Suddenly slowing down] And do it...myyyyy waaaaay!

[Minerva finally finds a career--working on a TV news show. She stands chatting with a Ted Baxter lookalike, when Mike Cosgrove walks over.]

COSGROVE: Hey, Min. Listen, Murray is sick this week, and I have a bet running with Edie that I can get any story on the air no matter how ridiculous it is. So, do you think you could write up a thirty-five minute spot on the many uses for gelatin? No rush, or anything...so long as we have it in the next hour and a half.

MINERVA: ...WHAT?

COSGROVE: [Patting her head.] That's a good girl. I'm gonna go grab some lunch now... [He begins to walk out the door. Out in front, we see Freakazoid in the Freakmobile, honking the horn noisily and shouting, "COME ON! We haven't got all daaay!"] Coming, coming! Oh, and Min, be sure and freshen my coffee every half hour or so? There's a good gal. [He strolls out the door singing quietly to himself.] Hum me any song, I'll fake it...give me fine china, I'll--aw, poop. Now I'm gonna have that stuck in my head all day.

[Minerva begins to flinch, trying to keep her anger in, but ready to go off at the slightest provocation. The Ted Baxter lookalike passes by.]

TED: [Cheerfully.] Hey, that's a nice outfit you've got on today! [She grabs a nearby camera and whallops him over the head with it.]

MINERVA: There. Now I'm good. [She leans over and smooches Ted on the cheek.] Thanks, dollface! [She walks off.]

TED: I'm ready for my closeup....glagh. [He collapses.]

NARRATOR: The so-called "civilized" life is filled with stresses and petty annoyances. Here, we see the Woman being barraged by all the tiny voices in her head. [Shot of Minerva, with headshots of various characters floating around her, yelling at her. Newt says, "Where are my slippers?" Cosgrove says, "Min, be sure and freshen my coffee every half hour or so?" Some annoying guy from a TV commercial says, "What are *YOU* doing?!" Finally, she screams, and goes running off.] Unable to take the pressure any longer, the Woman decides to return to her natural habitat--in the wild, where she had lived for gosh-knows-how-long before she was exposed to the evils of the industrialized workaday world! [We see her dash out of town and return to the meadow where she was at the beginning. She pulls out the cavegirl outfit on a hangar, and begins to slip out of her "civilized" clothes, when she realizes that several dozen men of various species are eyeing her longingly.]

MINERVA: [Shrugging slightly and sighing.] I suppose it's nice to be appreciated for *SOMETHING*. [Ending beats, iris out.]

===

[Fade in on the three Warners in a suspiciously recognizable restaurant. They sit around a table, opening their Pleasant Meals™.]

YAKKO: I got a triple-bacon barbecue burger, with a small cola and cheese fries! What'd you get Dot?

DOT: I got a low-cal salad. Gal's gotta watch her figure!

[Both turn expectantly toward Wakko.]

YAKKO & DOT: And what did *YOU* get, Wakko?

WAKKO: I got-- [The camera begins to pan inside the bag. But instead of fading to black, we see a not-very-pretty-looking sandwich. The camera stops in its tracks and jumps out of the bag.] --an onion-and-egg sandwich, with mayo, pickles, and mustard! Mmm-mmm! [He pulls it out of the bag and bites in. His sibs stare at him angrily.] Whaaat? I was hungry!

[Beat, and we cut to the "Slappy & Skippy" titles, followed by the title card for:]

"A Separate Piece"

[Open on Slappy's tree, as a few "Humoresque" chords play. We fade inside, to see Slappy slumped in her easy chair, looking very bored, staring at the TV. On the screen, we see a caricature of TV chef Emeril Lagasse, randomly throwing stuff into a bowl.]

EMERIL: ...alright, what else have we got lying around? Ah, here's a half-stick of margarine I found in the back of the fridge. BAM! And here's some old Jolly Ranchers! BAM! And some salsa dip left over from the Super Bowl! BAM! Oh, look, I still have some beets here that I'm not doing anything with. May as well throw them in too! BAM! And we'll just top the whole thing off with just a dab of beer, for flavor... [He whips out a full bottle of the stuff and pours nearly the whole thing in. He chugs the little that's left, then slams the bottle down.] BAM! Hey, shall I kick it up a few more notches? [The audience sits in utter silence.] What, don't tell me you people have had enough notches already? Whattawe, got a bunch of corpses out there tonight? C'mon! BAM! BAM! This is the good stuff here! [Suddenly, a bomb comes flying through the screen, blowing the TV set to kingdom come. We pull back to see Slappy, looking none too pleased. Skippy comes out from the kitchen.]

SKIPPY: [Noting the smoking former television.] Awww...Aunt Slappy, did you do that?

SLAPPY: Eeeeeh, it didn't get nothin' it didn't deserve, believe me.

SKIPPY: That's the fifth TV you've exploded this week! And it's only Tuesday!

SLAPPY: Yeah, what of it?

SKIPPY: I think we need to get you a new pastime.

SLAPPY: Well, I guess I could try listening to the radio... [She flicks a switch on a decrepit-looking old thing in the corner of the room.]

SHAGGY-ISH SINGER: [On radio.]
But she saw me snackin' at the counter ('Twasn't I)
Saw me munchin' on the sofa ('Twasn't I)
Even caught me eatin' in the shower-- [The radio is pelted in rapid succession by a half-dozen bombs, sending the thing sky-high. Slappy smiles contentedly.]

SKIPPY: Maybe you should get a hobby.

[Fade to later. Slappy is sitting impatiently at a table in her house. Skippy walks into the room with a box.]

SKIPPY: Guess what's in the box, Aunt Slappy!

SLAPPY: If it's not flammable, I'm not interested.

SKIPPY: Nooo...look, it's a jigsaw puzzle! [He pulls the top off, to reveal an overflow of nigh-microscopic oddly-shaped pieces.] It has 5829 pieces! You oughta be busy with this for awhile!

SLAPPY: [Patting the kid's head.] Thanks, but no thanks. Why don't you just dash out an' get your Aunt Slappy a new TV? There's a very special 7th Heaven on tonight, and I've got a whole closetful of explosives itchin' to be used...

SKIPPY: Oh, come on, give the puzzle a try! Once you see how satisfying a peaceful, intellectual activity can be, you'll realize that it's really much *MORE* exciting than random acts of violence!

SLAPPY: [Shakes her head.] Eeeh, where did I go wrong with you, Skippy? Alright, I'll humor ya. Here we go...lookit me, yeh, I'm doin' a puzzle here... [She picks up three pieces that obviously don't fit, places them together on the table, and whips out a mallet to make smooth 'em out. Skippy grabs the mallet.]

SKIPPY: No, no, no! Not like that...like this! He searches through the pile, and plucks out two pieces that *DO* fit. He slips them together and shows Slappy.] See?

SLAPPY: Yeah, yeah, fine...if you wanna do it the hard way... [Grumbles.]

[Later that afternoon, a knock comes at the door. Skippy answers it. It's Walter Wolf, Sid the Squid, and Beanie the Cerebrally-Challenged Bison.]

WALTER: Oh, hiya, Skippy! Is your Aunt Slappy here? It's such a lovely day, we figured we'd ask her if she'd like to join us for a game of basketball! [He holds up a "ball," which is rather suspicious-looking, due in large part to the rapidly-burning fuse sticking out the top.]

BEANIE: Daaah...yeah! I's all ready to shoot some hoops... [He pulls out an oversized rifle.] Seeeee? [Sid smacks the gun out of his hand and mutters, "Schmutz."]

SKIPPY: I'm sorry, Aunt Slappy's busy right now...she's working on a puzzle!

WALTER: A *PUZZLE*?! [Walter & Sid laugh hysterically, and Beanie joins in. They all soon degenerate into a fit of wheezes, though.]

SKIPPY: Don't make fun of her! She's doing something to develop her mind...and she's having a lot of fun! See? [He points to her. She's furiously throwing pieces every which way.]

SLAPPY: I KNOW YOU'RE HERE SOMEWHERE, YOU LOUSY PIECE! SHOW YOURSELF, YOU MISERABLE LITTLE HUNK OF CARDBOARD!!!

SID: Say, that does look like fun! Mind if we join in, Slappy?

SLAPPY: [Abruptly calming down, and acting very hospitable.] Oh, sure! Come right in, guys!

[The villains file in and join Slappy. They abruptly go to work. Beanie picks up two pieces, and tries to fit them every conceivable way, and when he exhausts all the possibilities, starts again. Sid picks up eight pieces at once, and tests every possible combination, winding up with his tentacles all wound together. Skippy shuts the door and begins to walk away, when another knock comes.]

SKIPPY: I'll get it! [He does. It's a nondescript-looking teen holding a pizza box.]

NONDESCRIPT TEEN HOLDING A PIZZA BOX: Hey there! I'm from Vinnie's Pizzeria, with the prunes-and-walnut pizza you ordered! That's $29.95, plus tax!

SKIPPY: But we ordered that pizza last week! We don't want it now!

NONDESCRIPT TEEN HOLDING A PIZZA BOX: Hey, our guarantee is "Delivery in under nine days, or your pizza's free!" And you only ordered this sucker last Wednesday...now pay up, buddy. [Skippy grumbles, and pulls out his wallet. He turns the little thing upside down, and a landslide of pennies, nickels and dimes comes clattering to the floor. Getting on his hands and knees, Skippy begins counting.] Five...six...eleven...twenty-one...thirty-one...thirty-two...

[Fade to some time later. The nondescript teen's pockets are stuffed with coins, as are his hat, his shoes, his shirt, etc., so he can't move without a few dimes clinking to the floor. Skippy counts the last of it and hands it to him.] Twenty-nine eighty-nine...twenty-nine ninety-four...twenty-nine ninety-five. There!

NONDESCRIPT TEEN: Thanks, man. Say, what's goin' on in here anyhow?

SKIPPY: Oh, they're working on a jigsaw puzzle!

NONDESCRIPT TEEN: Duuude! I'm gnarly with jigsaw puzzles! Here, lemme have a whirl... [He strolls over and walks up to Beanie, still working on the same two pieces. He takes one of the pieces, and attaches it to a few of the pieces that Walter was looking at.]

BEANIE: Daaaaah...he's a genius!

[Skippy turns away from the door, just as someone else knocks. He grimaces a bit, and turns back to open the door. He opens it, and we see Gomer Simpleton and Burt Simpleton, both wearing long robes, and carrying pamphlets.]

SKIPPY: [Cornily.] Why, if it isn't the Simpletons, Gomer and Burt! What are you two doing in this neck of the woods?

GOMER: Well, it was a lovely day out, so I decided to take another inexplicably long leave from work to pursue my latest moneymaking scheme!

BURT: Yeah! We've started our own religion, and we're recruiting members!

SKIPPY: Oh? What are your key teachings?

GOMER: Uuuh...actually, it's mostly just about people giving me money...

BURT: Surprisingly, we haven't had much luck with recruits...

SKIPPY: Well, why don't you come in and rest for a bit? Aunt Slappy, her worst enemies, and a nondescript teen are working on a--

GOMER: Oooh, pizza! [He and Burt come in, casually throwing off their robes, run right to the pizza box, and dig in. Skippy shrugs, and begins to walk away from the door. He stops in mid-step, and turns warily to make sure no one else is coming. No knock comes, and he smiles in relief, walking back into the room. Then, someone smashes through the ceiling.]

[It's the Batman of Tomorrow--the Terry McGinnis version, that is! He lands agilely on his feet, and takes in his surroundings warily.]

BATMAN: Alright, Inque, I've got you this time! You may as well just surrender now and--hey! What's going on here?

SKIPPY: Jigsaw puzzle party! You can stick around if you like...I was just about to go whip up some bean dip.

BATMAN: Wh-wh-wh...what time is it?

SKIPPY: [Glancing at his watch.] 3:43 PM, Tuesday, May 22, 2001.

BATMAN: 2001?! Yikes...I'm over fourty years early! Gosh, this is embarrassing...well, I guess I've got some time to kill. [He walks over to the others, working on the puzzle.] Well, lemme have a look at the picture on the box...

SID: Beanie ate it. [Batman glances warily at Beanie, and notes that he's drooling on his shoes.]

BATMAN: Uuuh...napkin? [Pulls one out of his utility belt and offers it to Beanie. He pauses a beat, and does a double take.] Wait...this thing has a napkin dispenser? I never knew this thing had a napkin dispenser! I wonder what else is in here... [He begins to search different compartments.] Oooh...a backscratcher...roll-on deoderant...a Crayola 64-pack?! [He randomly pulls one of the crayons out of the box and reads the color on the side.] What the heck is Atomic Tangerine?

SLAPPY: [Analyzing some puzzle pieces.] Never mind that now...I can't find the last blinkin' piece I need to finish this cactus off! I can't find the sixteenth-to-last needle on its left arm!

WALTER: Oh, here it is! Sorry, I put it in the wrong pile...I thought it was the toothpick in Peter Falk's mouth. [Slappy grabs it out of his hand and put it in its proper place.]

SKIPPY: [Leaning out of the kitchen.] I have some bad news, guys...the bean dip got a liiittle out of control, and-- [A big monstrous blob of bean dip meanders into the room casually, and settles down with the others to work on the puzzle.] I think I might have added too much garlic. But I don't know what we'll do for food now!

[Cut to Gomer & Burt sitting by the empty pizza box, with swelled bellies.]

GOMER: Yeah...we'll starve to death if we don't get some food soon!

WALTER: Oh, I know! Let Beanie make some of his award-winning jambalaya!

SID: Oh, yes, please! He does some *AMAZING* things with crawfish...

SKIPPY: [To Beanie.] Okay...c'mon, in here!

BEANIE: Oooooh, boy! I gets to go in the food making place! Yaaay!

[As they exeunt into the kitchen, a baseball comes flying through the window. They all stare at it a moment, and then a timid knock comes at the door. Batman answers it. Standing there is none other than the President of the United States--Dubya Shrub! He's wearing a baseball cap, and his suit is covered with mud stains.]

DUBYA: Hey, there! I'm sorry, I was playing ball with Daddy, and I...uh...accidentally hit my ball through your window...I'm awful sorry...

WALTER: Ah, that's okay! C'mon in and help us with this puzzle!

DUBYA: Sure! Okay! But, um...Mr. Cheney says I have to be home by five.

[Steven Spielberg walks on to the set.]

STEVEN: Now, listen...I-I-I hate to be a bother, but...we wanted to fade over to Beanie's scene in the kitchen now...b-b-but, we need one of you guys to make a clever lead-in line...so the thing can kind of flow seamlessly...you know. If...if it's not too much trouble. [The bean dip monster eyes Steven and licks his chops. Spielberg backs up a bit nervously.]

BURT: Don't have a cow, man! I'll handle this. [Clears throat.] Boy, I sure am hungry right now! I wonder what's keeping Beanie?

WALTER: Ah, you kids...you don't know beans about lead-in lines! Why, in my day, cartoon stars were trained from birth to do lead-in lines! Why, I was saying "I wonder what wacky hijinks that little rapscallion is up to on Mt. Kilimanjaro" before I said "Mommy"! Sid here was especially good at lead-ins...why, he could segue to a singing jelly donut! Wanna see?

SID: [Clears throat.] Say, Walter...you love to eat jelly donuts, don't you?

WALTER: No, actually...the last time I ate one I broke out for a week--

SID: Yes, we all love to eat jelly donuts! But as good as they taste...they *SING* even better!

[Sudden cut to a silly-looking donut in a spotlight, singing into a microphone.]

JELLY DONUT: [Parody of "The Girl From Ipanema."]
Round and tan and full of jelly
The tasty donut is dunked in coffee
And when he's dunkin' the people watchin' say, "mmm..."
Mmm, and they watch it, so hungry...

STEVEN: [Offscreen.] Stop! STOP! [The camera does a zip pan back to our cast in Slappy's tree.] That's all well and good, but we-we've got a cartoon to produce here! Now if we can please get back to the plot...

BEAN DIP: Argh! Wanted to watch singing donut! Sentient foods discriminated against in entertainment industry...but singing donut conquer all odds and become successful despite tragic prejudice. Is role model for all aspiring food products and by-products! [Grabs Steven and swallows him whole. He smiles and belches pleasantly.]

[The camera moves back, and we see Steven standing off to the side of the set.]

STEVEN: Don't worry, it's all movie magic! What you saw being eaten wasn't the real me...I'm perfectly fine! [Suddenly, someone offscreen shouts, "Look out below!" and a giant 16-ton weight comes flying down right above Spielberg. The camera quickly pans away as we hear a not-terribly-encouraging crunching noise. Batman is standing idly by, filing his nails, when someone calls out.]

DIRECTOR: [Offscreen.] Alright...you're on, McGinnis! ...nnnow!

BATMAN: [Jumping into action.] You...you killed him! You'll *PAY* for this! [He attacks the beast head-on. He soon winds up buried inside the massive glob, struggling for dear life. He pokes his head out, and sees much to his dismay that the monster is sitting picking his teeth, not even noticing his presence. Terry climbs out of the mess, muttering.]

BRUCE: [Through transmitter doodad in suit.] McGinnis! Hey! McGinnis! Pay attention to me when I'm talking to you! And stand up straight, for gosh sakes...you can't be a proper crimefighter with sloppy posture! Come on...shoulders out!

BATMAN: [Sighs.] Yes, sir...

BRUCE: Now, listen...I've analyzed this nemesis using the computer's readout, and utilizing the vast resources at my disposal, have come to the conclusion that he is made of...bean dip.

BATMAN: *YES*...we kind of knew that...

BRUCE: Don't sass me, boy! Now, listen...on the utility belt, fifth pocket from the right, there should be some Frito's. But use them carefully!

BATMAN: Yeah, right...old kook. [Pulls the hood off, revealing himself as Terry, and sits down with the others.] I swear...sometimes I just don't think he understands me. Does he think it's easy, trying to balance my private life with my crime-fighting? Keeping secrets from my family and friends, watching my school and home life steadily deteriorating? He's been there...you'd think he'd understand! But he just bosses me around, always demanding more, more, more! I just...I just want to be loved. [He breaks down into sobs. The bean dip walks over.]

BEAN DIP: Oh, there, there, sport...don't take it hard as all that. For what it's worth, you seem like a right jolly chap to my way of seeing!

TERRY: [Looking up, tear-stained and hopeful.] Do you...do you really mean it?

BEAN DIP: Why, I should say so! Come on, old bean...what say we go frolic through the meadows in carefree abandon and all that rot? Should be jolly good fun!

TERRY: [Joyfully.] I've got a friend! I've got a friend! [He squeezes the big lug happily, and gets all squished up inside of him. The two walk out the door, singing "That's What Friends Are For" together, both quite out of key.]

TERRY & BEAN DIP: [Singing.]
Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times, for bad times
I'll be at your side forever more
That's what friends are for...

[All stare after them in utter awe of how absurd this whole thing is. Burt breaks the silence.]

BURT: Boy, I sure am hungry right now! I wonder what's keeping Beanie?

SID: [Muttering.] Amateur.

[We fade into the kitchen, as a few notes of "Someone's in the Kitchen With Dinah" play. We see Beanie standing next to the stove, yelling at Skippy.]

BEANIE: Duuuh...I needs fennel bulbs! Dese is anise bulbs!

SKIPPY: Is there a difference?

BEANIE: [Rolls his eyes.] We mays as well serves them stewed leather at this rate...

SKIPPY: [Sincerely.] Do you think so?

BEANIE: [Thinks a moment.] Sure! Do you have any old shoes lying around, perchance...?

[Quick cut back to the others, as the kitchen door swings open. Skippy holds the door as Beanie walks out, carrying a big pot.]

BEANIE: Daaah...soup's on! [Everyone crowds around eagerly.]

SLAPPY: WAIT! [Everyone freezes. She indicates the puzzle.] This shark is missing a gill! No one's eating anything until we find it. [Everyone groans and begins tearing the place apart to find it.]

DUBYA: Here it is! Somebody went an' stuck it over here as the jewel on Princess Di's tiara! Somebody...who, uh...wasn't me! [He hands it to Slappy, who sets it into the proper place happily. Dubya dashes over to the bowl and begins to help himself.]

GOMER: Say...you're that President guy, aren't you?

DUBYA: Yup! And aren't you that crazy guy who beat up my dad?

GOMER: [Proudly.] Sure am! So, uh...wanna go get a drink?

DUBYA: I dunno...Mr. Cheney says I have to be home by five!

GOMER: Aw, c'mon! On the way I'll tell you about my latest wacky scheme! You'll love it!

DUBYA: Eh...sure, why the heck not? [Gomer puts his hand around Dubya's shoulder and leads him off. Burt shrugs and follows.]

GOMER: [Trailing off as they walk out the door.] Now, see, we've trained a seahorse to play the viola...but the catch is, the seahorse subsists on twenty-five gallons of cherry cola a day...so, this is where Burt comes in...

WALTER: This has got to be the stupidest cartoon I've ever been in.

SID: Worse than that cameo you made in "Shoeshiner Bosko," 1931, directed by Bosko in his sole directorial effort?

WALTER: Yes...even worse than "Shoeshiner Bosko," 1931, directed by Bosko in his sole directorial effort.

SID: [Whispering to Beanie.] Oooh...and he hated "Shoeshiner Bosko," 1931, directed by Bosko in his sole directorial effort!

WALTER: I'm outta here...c'mon, guys! I know the guy who produces that Powderpuff Girls show...let's see if he'll swing us a guest spot... [The three exeunt.]

SLAPPY: HOLD IT! [Skippy looks at her. She's again looking at the puzzle.] I'm missing the little thingee on the end of Dean Martin's shoelace! Where is it?

NONDESCRIPT TEEN: [Suddenly sounding like Ricky Ricardo.] Your attention please! *I* have the missing piece...now you must do what I tell you!

SLAPPY: Oh, my gosh...

NONDESCRIPT TEEN: Now, are we going to turn around and take this tree to Cuba, or do I have to do something...drastic? [He pulls out a pair of scissors, and motions as if to cut off the side of the piece.]

SLAPPY: Eh, for corn sake...this is just too stupid! [She pulls out a pile of explosives stuffs them down the nondescript teen's pants.] There ya go...Cuba or bust! Have a ball. [They blow up, and when the smoke clears, he's gone, with only his pants left suspended in mid-air. They collapse to the floor.] C'mon, Skippy...I'll buy ya a sundae.

SKIPPY: But...what about the puzzle? What was the picture?

SLAPPY: [Picking up the last piece, the one the nondescript teen had been holding, and which is now lying on the floor. She fits it into the puzzle.] Why, it's...the next cartoon! [The camera pans into the puzzle, which is just a big square of blackness. Fade to black.]

[Fade in on Christopher Walken, standing on a happy, bright orange and yellow stage. He's holding a microphone.]

CHRIS: Hello. Some of you 'round these parts seem to have an image of me as a...spooky, spooky man. I am here to set the record straight by performing a very...upbeat and pleasant little ditty for your enjoyment. And...hit it, maestro.
[Singing--actually, he's more or less just speaking the lyrics as the back up plays.]
I used to think...maybe you feared me...now...baby, I'm sure
Day after day I wait, but...nobody knocks on my door
Every time people see my mailbox, they turn and run...out of town!
But I'm still glad, even if nobody's comin' around
[Really getting into it here.]
'Cause I'm Walken on sunshine
Whoa...oh!
Yes, I'm Walken on sunshine...
Whoa-*OH*!
Yeah...I'm...Walken...on sunshine!
Whoooa...

[A bomb comes flying through the screen. We pull back to see Slappy, sitting smiling in her chair, with the smoking TV in front of her.]

SLAPPY: What can I say? It makes me feel like I'm doing my part to improve the world...in my own small little way. [She chuckles, and then pulls a bomb from behind her chair and throws it right at the audience, resulting in a giant explosion on our screen. Fade to black.]


Yakko Warner, Wakko Warner, Dot Warner, Minerva Mink, Newt, Slappy Squirrel, Skippy Squirrel, Walter Wolf, Sid the Squid, Beanie the Cerebrally-Challenged Bison, Terry McGinnis, Mike Cosgrove, The Brain, Pinky, Freakazoid, Randy Beaman's pal Colin, and all other Animaniacs, Freakazoid!, and Batman Beyond elements and indicia are ™ & Warner Bros, Inc., an AOL Time Warner company. Used without permission, no harm intended, and the like.

Bruce Wayne, "Batman," and all related indicia ™ & DC Comics. Used without permission, little to no harm intended.

"That's What Friends Are For" 1982 WB Music Corp. Music by Burt Bacharach, lyrics by Carole Bayer Sager. Used without permission, with the sole intent of causing as much harm as I possibly can. So there.

THE PEOPLE WHO WROTE "DOING IT OUR WAY": Charles Fox & Norman Gimbel.

THE PEOPLE WHO WROTE "THE GIRL FROM IPANEMA": Antonio Carlos Jobim & Norman Gimbel.

THE PERSON WHO WROTE "WALKIN' ON SUNSHINE": Kimberley Rew.

THE PEOPLE WHO WROTE THAT SHAGGY SONG: Would understandably prefer to remain anonymous.

DEDICATED TO THE MEMORY OF: Richard "The Great Stoneeni" Stone.

BRAINATRA'S WACKY NEIGHBOR: Kathryn Page.

If you enjoyed reading this fanfiction, here's some others you might enjoy:
"Dot's Diary"
"The Warners Meet the Simpletons!"
"Bye Bye Brainy"
"The Return of Roboo-Cop"

If you did not enjoy reading this fanfiction, here's some others you might not enjoy:
"Dot's Diary"
"The Warners Meet the Simpletons!"
"Bye Bye Brainy"
"The Return of Roboo-Cop"

Send all comments, questions, and halibut to Craig@toonzone.net.

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