Synopsis: Christmas at Kove’s house turns into the nightmare before X-mas when somebody opens their gift before X-mas, unleashing the wrath of the evil Alaskan Santa Claus who comes to exact revenge in “Blair Witch Project/Paranormal” style.
Details: It’s Christmas at Kove’s house for everybody except Sam, who claims he’s Jewish and doesn’t believe in Santa Claus. While Piper is dispatched by Kove to get the ornaments [“because you’re a woman”], somebody opens a gift early and Alphonse freaks out, alternately singing and telling the story of the evil Alaska Santa Claus who rides around on a sleigh made of bones of those who defied him and punishes those who open gifts early. Jessie is “the least fun” so she is sent out to fix the fuse box and become Santa meat [which, in this case, involves being stabbed in the back by a gigantic candy cane].
That sets off Alphonse into a “12 Kills of Christmas” song instead of the more traditional 12 Days of Christmas. Trent says that about now might be “a good time to get our cell phones and guns” – and promptly becomes the next to die by beheading. Not wanting to wait around to be killed by evil AK Santa, Kove hangs herself with a string of X-mas lights just before Trent momentarily returns because he has tied his head back on with tinsel – only to have Santa lop it off again. Piper implores Sam to quit asking “so many logic-based questions” shortly before she is turned into a giant doll by Santa, who then tears her head off in front of Sam. That leaves only Sam the non-believer and Santa starts after him, armed with a dreidel drill, until he relents and confesses to believing in Santa – who is then revealed to be the President of the Navy – and discloses that it was all a setup to have Sam believe in Santa. It’s a wonderful life in Kove’s house on 34th Street.
The Poop and Skinny: Piper who earlier insists that it is Santa who “turns bears into beer” is at the party without her boyfriend, who stays home to play video games and then gets cracked by Santa in the final scene. We would have liked to have seen the string of X-mas lights Kove hangs herself with to be either blinking or straight-up not working – like most lights you get from store start doing after three days.