'RETURN OF THE JOKER' GIVEAWAY
READ BELOW FOR THE RULES AND MORE!
In trying to get people both more involved with the
newsletter AND want to help them out at the same time, we're offering anyone that
participates in our NO MAN'S ISLAND column a chance to win unedited copies of RETURN OF
THE JOKER.
The way it works is as follows: vote for the two characters
you'd like to vote off the island. Of the characters that are being cast off or even
nominated in that particular issue, we will randomly select one of these characters for
our contest. Anyone who voted for this character will be entered into a draw, according to
the e-mail address from which their ballot was recieved. Every issue, we will randomly
select one e-mail address (from a hat, to make it fair) and that participant, if willing,
wins a copy of the unedited movie!
You may vote for NO MAN'S ISLAND as often as you like (just
once per round), and are eligible to win once within each round.
If the selected winner for whatever reason declines, the will
be another draw for that same week. The catch? The winner, if agreeing, must provide a
tape and enough money to cover postage ($5 American) of the tape to and from their place
of residence. There will be no extra profit for us at BATMAN: THE ANIMATED NEWSLETTER (as
that would be illegal) or anything. We just want to get this movie out to more people as
it's not going to be definately released on tape just
yet.
NOTE: I am not promoting the act of bootlegging videos for
profit, I am merely looking for the cost of the tape and postage, so fans will be able to
view the movie as it was supposed to be.
That said, let's get voting! (And make sure to read the
NO MAN'S ISLAND section below.)
___________________________________________________________________
NO MAN'S ISLAND
ROUND SEVENTEEN
(by Tim "TWO-FACE" Leighton)
Everyone left with the exception of Alfred Pennyworth clashed
at City Hall - and there were some gruesome, explosive results.
...A WALTZ DOWN MEMORY LANE...
A WORD FROM THE CAST-AWAYS:
ROBIN: "I'm just glad to be out of there - I just hope Bruce, Dick, Alfred, and
Gordon get out of there, too..."
CATWOMAN: "You can't kill me - not yet. I still have eight lives to go."
After the smoke finally cleared, Gordon pushed a beam of wood
away from his body. He stood up on uneasy ground and surveyed the landscape after cleaning
his glasses. Dust still loomed in the air, the only remembrance of what was once City
Hall. He sighed and looked to his side; Batman emerged from the rubble a minute later,
clutching at a gash in his arm. "You OK?"
It took Batman a moment to clear his head and respond.
"I'll live." He had managed to find Catwoman's body under the rubble; she was
curled up at his feet, unconscious.
Gordon looked about for a moment - nothing. Until he saw
something about fifty feet ahead of him crumble away. Nightwing climed out of the concrete
and metal debris with Robin's also unconscious body in his arms. He stumbled.
"I gotcha!" Gordon hollered, charging ahead to give
Nightwing a hand. He helped steady the two Boy Wonders and led them down a treacherous
path back towards Batman. "Is the boy alright?"
"He's unconscious but if we get him back to the cave,
he'll be fine," Nightwing stated. "But he's out of action indefinately."
Ditto for Catwoman, Gordon thought.
Batman squinted his eyes as Dick approached him. Almost
disregarding Robin's existance entirely, he spoke. "Is that everyone?"
Nightwing nodded. "Yep, no sign of Two-Face, Harley, or
the Joker," he replied flatly.
Nightwing growled; Batman was always such a worry-wart
stick-in-the-mud. "He had ten grenades strapped to his chest when they detonated,
BRUCE." He didn't care about hiding identities any more - everyone left on the island
knew everything, now, anyways. "I'll check one last time, but he must be dead."
Batman quickly cut him off. "He's not dead. You know
that." He turned around with Catwoman in his arms, making his way back to the cave.
"The Joker never dies. He won't let himself."
Nightwing scowled at him; fine, he thought. Ignore Tim, dying
in his arms, and hunt for their foes without a single clue as to their whereabouts.
Brilliant planning, Bruce. As Batman walked away, Gordon stayed behind a moment; Nightwing
walked over to him and carefully put Robin in Gordon's arms. "Here - and keep an eye
on him." Gordon nodded; he knew Dick was referring to Bruce.
Cough, cough, cough. Kaff, kaff. "Mistah J? Haw-vey?
Where are you?" Harley coughed and sputtered as she picked herself up in an alleyway
a block away from the ruins of City Hall. "Hellooooo?" She wandered through the
shadows carefully, searching - but, more often than not, tripping and stumbling.
"Where is everybody?"
Harley looked up and, atop a three storey building, saw
Nightwing standing on the ledge. She looked back down and continued to hobble along. She
heard Nightwing glide down behind her and land with a soft thud; without even turning her
head she continued making her way towards the open street. "Look Bird Boy, I've got
no quarrell with you. Just let me be."
"No," Nightwing said, grabbing her wrist; she flung
her body around and crashed into him. "Where's your boss?"
"I - don't know..." she said, rubbing her head with
her free hand. Then she remembered. "I'm my own boss now. A villain in my own right.
Harleen Quinzel works for nobody."
Yeah, right, Nightwing thought.
"I'm serious, I swear I'll soon have my own toy line and
comic book series and made for TV movies, and..."
"Enough," Nightwing grunted, grabbing her wrist
harder. This girl was obviously delusional. "Where's the Joker?"
"Haven't a clue. Why not try Timbuktu?" Harley
retorted. She was particularly pleased with her impromptu rhyme. Nightwing didn't have
time for this. He retrieved a bola from his suit and brought Harley out to the street; he
tied her gently but firmly to a streetlamp and left her. Maybe, however unlikely, the
Joker would come for her. "Hey!" Harley yelped, trying to squirm out of her
bondage. "Geez, what's gotten into you? You used to be so much fun, way back in the
day - now you're just as mean and bitter as your boss."
He's not my boss, Nightwing mumbled to himself, trying to
make himself believe the statement.
About half an hour went by. Nightwing had left but Harley
remained, her tired, slumping body basking in the light of the streetlamp.
"Oy..." she moaned. Damn, that guy knew how to tie a damn good knot.
"I'm SeRiOuS, hArVeY! lOoK aT tHaT uP aHeAd!"
Harvey looked ahead after his big, bad counterpart urged him to. As soon as his eyes
focused, he continued. "yEeEeEeAhHh - AlL tIeD uP, hAlF-dEaD...yOu AlWaYs WaNtEd To
Be WiTh HeR hArVeY, sO nOw'S yOuR cHaNcE. jUmP oN hEr!"
"That's disgusting," Harvey said, taking large
strides around the rubble towards Harley's bound body.
"wHo CaReS? sHe'S hOt! I kNoW yOu WaNt HeR. tHe BaT's
GoNnA rOaSt Us BoTh FoR wHaT wE dId tO hIs PuSsYcAt In ThErE, sO mIgHt As WeLl GeT sOmE
aCtIoN bEfOrE hE cOmEs FoR yOu."
"Just stop talking, please." The kindness seemed to
do the trick - the left side of his brain finally shut up. Two-Face approached Harley and
spoke softly. "Quinn?"
"Harvey???" she said groggily, looking up.
"I'm so glad you're alright, I've been looking
everywhere for you."
She could hear the genuine concern in his voice.
"Really?" A small smile curved upward through her running make-up.
"Of course I have. I love you." He almost halfway
blushed; Harley stared blankly, not knowing what to think. "nO i DoN't!" Big Bad
Harv jumped in.
Two-Face retrieved a switchblade from his pocket and cut
through the bola; after a few moments, Harley was freed. She fell into his arms. "Of
course I'm OK. I found you."
"That's...nice..." Harley shook her head. This was
starting to get creepy.
"yEaH yEaH, rEaL nIcE...sO...wAnNa 'Do It'?"
Whoa, Harley thought - this was getting really, really weird.
He hadn't been taking lessons from Jack Ryder, had he? She took his hand roughly and
yanked him over. "I don't know WHAT is going on in your brain, Harvey," she
said, "but I'm a doctor and I know this much. You need help."
"Right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I...I just can't tame him
right now."
"lItTlE hArVeY, tHaT's WhO." Big Bad Harv blurted
out.
"See what I'm talking about?"
Harley hugged him and patted his shoulder. "We'll figure
this all out later, buddy - we have to
get out of here before Batbrain finds us."
Harley growled back at Two-Face. "HE is NOT my BOSS!!!!
I don't want to see hyde nor hair of that loon ever again - he nearly killed all of us,
why would I ever want to be with him again? We're THROUGH."
Harvey smiled at this promising prospect. Big Bad Harv felt
otherwise. "yEeEeAaAaAhHhH, rIgHt. WuSs."
The two of them made their way down the street, aimlessly
searching for a new place to reside in. "Hey Harvey," Harley said.
"Yeah?" Two-Face responded.
"After everything we've been through - you taking me in
after Mistah J tossed me aside, you takin' care of me after Mr. Crane's gas knocked me out
- I've grown kinda fond of you, too."
"yOu'Re OnLy HeR sEcOnDs, HaRvEy," a voice said -
but it stayed unverbalized. It didn't matter, either - Harley had made Two-Face smile
inside, and not even his bad side could overrule that.
Soft laughter emnated from under twisted shrapnel and
shattered debris - slowly growing louder, and louder, until a gloved hand pushed a fallen
piece of sheet metal aside and, none to this narrator's surprise, a man in purple arose
from the ashes. "Hoo boy," he grinned as he dusted soot off of his slightly torn
suit, "I'm immortal. I can't be killed. I'm freakin' Hugo Strange, baby!" The
Joker let out a nervous, weak laugh - just how did he survive that anyway? For the sake of
our readers, he decided to give the matter further contemplation.
"Let's see..." he pondered, sitting down in a
'thinker' pose, "ten grenades to my chest, all the pins pulled - oh yeah. Duh,"
he giggled, "they were all duds. Fakes. Hehe - that was a good one, huh?" He
heard the studio audience groan in his head. "Insolent, miserable brats - you
wouldn't know a good joke if it bit you in the -" then he thought. "Oh, and as
for the real explosion - one of them WAS real, and I just tossed that one away and
BOOM!" He giggled; then again, in retrospect, it wasn't that funny. Oh well, he
thought, at least it bought him time to escape.
The Joker made his way from the crumbled structure that was
once City Hall, meandered down past the court room, the Rose Cafe, Kirby Cakes, Gemini
Jewelers, and came to a stop outside an independent costume store, Ditko Accessories.
"Hmmmm..." he pondered. He picked up a fallen brick from the sidewalk and tossed
it through the window, shattering it into pieces. He gingerly climbed through the
destroyed window and surrounding frame and looked upon the new territory he would claim as
his. "Ahh, papa needed a new pair of shoes!" He commented, pulling a pair from
the rack. "Ahhh, way too small, I need a MUCH BIGGER SIZE," he said, trying to
flatter himself; no such luck.
And then there was a giggle.
It wasn't his, he knew that much.
The Joker dropped a new magenta suit he was inspecting - it
wasn't purple-enough for his tastes - and climbed back outside. The giggling kept coming
from up the street. "Curious..." he mumbled, creeping back the way from which he
came. He stopped in front of Gemini Jewelers and looked inside: Harley and Harvey were
inspecting jewelry and such. WHAT? HIS arch-nemesis for Brucie's affections was putting
the moves on HIS woman???
"YoU'rE aN iDiOt, YoU kNoW tHaT, hArVeY? sHe'S gOiNg To
RuN bAcK tO tHaT cLoWn AnY sEcOnD nOw AnD tHeRe'S nOtHiNg YoU cAn Do AbOuT iT. dOn'T wAsTe
AnY bReAtH oN tHiS bRoAd."
"Don't speak about her like that. She's a wonderful,
caring woman and you don't give her enough credit." Two-Face's mind was animated and
at war, as always.
"JeWeLrY? gEeZ, yOu ReAlLy ArE oLd-FaShIoNeD. i'M gLaD i
FiNaLlY tAlKeD yOu OuT oF tHaT hIdEoUs BeIgE aNd PlAiD sUiT wE uSeD tO wEaR aLl ThE tImE.
bUt JeWeLrY? gAwD-dAmN-iT hArVeY, yOu'Re BlOwInG aLl YoUr MoNeY hErE. sHe'S jUsT gOiNg To
BrEaK oUr HeArTs."
"I'm not spending a dime here. I thought you might
actually appreciate that."
"I dO, bUt GeEz - YoU'rE jUsT aSkInG tO gEt StEpPeD
oN."
"Oh Harvey, look at this one! It's a miniature
recreation of the Harlequin Diamond I stole once - remember?" Harley showed him a
broach and placed the glimmering piece in his hand. "Now pin it on me and tell me how
I look." She struck a pose, letting her tiara, bracelets, and golden necklaces
glitter in the low light.
Two-Face leaned in to pin it on her tight costume. He placed
it on gently, and smiled - until part of his mind took over and caused him to grope a
little more than Harley had bargained for. "HeY, wHeN iN rOmE, rIgHt?"
Harley didn't push the lustful advance away. She just smiled
in return. "I can see why everyone thought you were such a hottie and a ladies' man
back in the day," she grinned. "If only we could get that evil side of you to
disappear for good..."
"...Nora Crest couldn't do it, neither could Doctor
Leland, and Brucie and your fiance couldn't save you...but I can! I'm a doctor,
remembah?"
"Is that really necessary?" Two-Face pleaded,
almost boyishly.
"My diagnosis is...YES! Besides, it'll be the perfect
excuse for you -" she jumped into his arms, "and I -" she wrapped her hands
around his neck, "to spend more time together." She tilted her head upwards,
just as Harvey lowered his and they kissed.
AND AFTER A SEVENTEENTH ROUND OF VOTING...
"HARRRRR-LEEYYYYY!!!!" the Joker screamed from
outside on the sidewalk, his voice muffled by the thick window panes.
Harley quickly snapped out of the kiss and opened her eyes
wide. "Puddin'!?"
"I tOlD YoU iT wAs OnLy A mAtTeR oF tImE, mOrOn!"
"NO!!!" Two-Face shouted, his chest burning;
grabbing Harley's wrist, he bolted through the tiny store and out the back entrance into
the alley. Harley let out a loud "eep!" as she was pulled away from one
infuriated beau and pulled towards another. The Joker pounded a fist on the glass as he
spat and darted down the street, hoping to cut the other two off.
Nightwing quickly lept from rooftop from rooftop, scowering
the city for anything - anything whatsoever. God, this was lonely work. I mean, he was
happy he wasn't under Bruce's thumb all the time now, but working solo - it didn't feel
right to him. How did Bruce do it for all those years?
He really missed the others more than anything, though. Tim
was out for the count, and probably wouldn't be in action again for weeks.
Barbara...she was another story. She was dead. Both the Joker and Two-Face - mostly the
latter - had a part in her demise, and that made him all the more determined to find them.
For the Commissioner. For Bruce. For Barbara. For himself.
As Nightwing came to a brief stop to survey the dark,
destroyed landscape before him, a noise errupted behind him, a few blocks away. As the
rest of the city lacked any life at all, the tiny sounds were carried a great distance.
A sound buzzed in Dick's ear. He pressed his earpiece further
into the auditory canal to listen intently; it was Bruce. "You heard that, didn't
you?"
"Yeah," Dick replied. "But how did..."
"Gordon and I are just about to leave the cave now.
Handle the situation until we arrive. Batman out."
Nightwing spat - how did he know??? Regardless, he had to put
those feelings of inadequacy and irritation aside so he could focus on the prolem at hand.
He turned around, ran across the rooftop and lept; spreading his arms apart, he soared on
his suit's pair of wings through the concrete canyon, to the origin of the noise.
Wait a sec...a few blocks behind him was Crime Alley. No
wonder Batman was in such a mood.
"Sir, with Mr. Drake and Ms. Kyle shipped over to the
mainland for hospitalization, I have no reason to remain as caretaker of the cave,"
Alfred said. "There must be some way in which I would be more beneficial to the rest
of your crusade. I hardly think dusting and making tea changes anything in the grande
scheme of things."
Batman was just about to leave the cave when Alfred stopped
him. He just turned around and looked at the old man - he couldn't imagine Alfred leaving.
He needed him here. He needed SOMEONE to come back to - and even though the number of his
current allies was sorely lacking, he couldn't imagine putting his butler in this type of
danger. "Your place is here, Alfred."
Batman groaned - he hated ordering Alfred about like this. In
all honesty, it should be the other way around. "No. Just stay here for tonight,
we'll come up with a new gameplan tomorrow."
With that, Batman left - it appeared Gordon had already made
a headstart through the exit to the cave on foot. Crime Alley...he always hated venturing
there, even on his anniversary. Nothing good ever came of Crime Alley.
Alfred snarled and sighed. Bruce was the master of this
domain, after all - and, ultimately, this was his call. That would have to change, though,
far sooner than later.
And so it did. About ten minutes after Batman and Gordon left
the cave, Alfred snuck out as well, a medic pack under his arm and a number of other nifty
little things he found useful during his work as a spy for the British Intelligence
decades before. Oh yes, it was all coming back to him now - though, really, it never left
in the first place.
Screaming, screeching, bellowing, and other poetic
profanities ricochetted off of the walls facing the street as the chase continued. They
had to give it to the Joker - he was very quick on his feet. "Harvey!" Harley
yelped as Two-Face dove with her into an alleyway, landing amidst a pile of garbage cans
and bags and other slimy objects. "Let go for me! If I just go reason with puddin',
I'm sure he'll understand!"
"aRe YoU iNsAnE, wOmAn!????" Two-Face belched back.
"ThE mAn'S a WaLkInG tImE bOmB aNd I dOn'T wAnT tO bE aNyWhErE nEaR hIm WhEn He GoEs
OfF!" He panted - he was sick of running. Why couldn't he just win this stupid game
and be done with it?
(What was the prize they were even vying for, anyway?)
"You don't know him like I do - if you get past all the
murdering and the evil stuff, he's such a sweetie..." She sighed.
"NO! I'm not going to lose you!" Harvey said in a
different voice, shoving Harley behind him. He drew his gun and his coin; he flipped it,
bad heads landing up. "Sorry babe, but your ex-boss and ex-boyfriend is toast."
Harley whimpered - she knew that Two-Face was serious.
Nightwing dove down from above; he saw the Joker charging
down the street, then quickly changing his course and turning into an alleyway.
"Hellooooooooo?" the Joker whistled jovially. He
saw those other two deliquents run in here just a moment ago - so where could they be
hiding. "Look, Harvey, Harley, baby, I'm unarmed..." he held up his hands and
tried to look as innocent as possible. "I'm sorry I lost my temper back there...I
just want to talk." He continued to make his way up the cobblestone alley, stepping
through little puddles of grime along the way. "Please? Come on, I just asked nicely,
you can't disregard me now..."
The Joker growled. This was getting nowhere fast. Or slow.
Bottom line, it was just getting nowhere, and that was obvious for everyone to see.
The Joker jumped back and held his forearm, where Gordon had
shot him weeks before. The current bullet had missed - barely. A small hole in the ground
smoked before him. He looked upwards - two storeys up, on the fire escape, stood Two-Face,
aiming a gun downward, directly at his head.
"So there you are. We have got to stop meeting like
this..." the Joker grinned. Hey, a good cliche was hard to come by.
"I've had enough of you, clown. Make another move and
it'll be your last."
Yeah, it looks like Two-Face was just as dry in the cliche
department as Joker was.
"Come on, don't I even deserve a coin toss?" the
Joker mused.
"AlReAdY dId, JaCkO. yOu'Re ToAsT."
"What? A pre-emptive flip? That is totally unfair! You
can't change your psyche on me like that, Harvey! I had things planned! I..."
"sHuT uP. aNd It LoOkS lIkE yOu JuSt MaDe AnOtHeR mOvE,
tOo. SoRrY, 'bAbE', bUt I hAvE tO fOlLoW mY rUlEs." Just as Two-Face drew his gun,
the Joker surged his hand upwards to squeeze the flower on his lapel - but Harley dove
from the window behind the fire escape and knocked Two-Face over.
"NO HARVEY! DON'T KILL HIM!!!!"
A stray bullet ricochetted off of the metal framework of the
fire escape and lodged itself inside the wall. The Joker quickly moved towards the fire
escape and climbed on, charging upwards. Two-Face elbowed Harley in the face, knocking her
back into the condemned building. He saw the Joker apporaching, and dove through the
window himself - this was not how it was planned.
"SeE hArVeY? i ToLd YoU tHaT bRoAd WoUlDn'T bE wItH yOu
FoR lOnG! sHe'S wAy ToO fLaKy FoR uS. sHe'S aN iDiOt, AnD sO aRe YoU! jUsT iCe ThE bOtH oF
'eM aNd GeT oUtA hErE!"
"No! I love her, she's the only hope I have left!"
"YoU'rE a FoOl. ThAt StUpId HeArT oF yOuRs Is GoInG tO
gEt Us BoTh KiLlEd!"
Harley looked up from her sprawled position of the ground, a
trickle of blood escaping from her mouth. "You HIT me..." she gasped in shock.
"I'm so sorry," Two-Face bent down and lent a hand
to pull her up - she reluctantly refused. "I just don't want to see you go back to
that monster." Dramatic pause. "Even if it means risking my own life."
"oH, bArF! pAsS tHe AiR-sIcK bAg HeRe, PlEaSe, ThIs Is
GeTtInG dIsGuStInG!"
"Monster? Who, ME?" The Joker daintily climbed
through the window into the dimly lit room. "Harvey, I'm honoured."
"Oh puddin'! You found me!" Harley left Two-Face's
grasp and ran to her clownish counterpart. "I miss you so much, I'm so glad that
we're together again!" SLAP!!!!
Two-Face cringed as he saw the Joker smack his open hand
against Harley's cheek and send her back to the floor. "OoHhH, bItCh-SlAp, DaT's HoW
sHe LiKeS iT!"
"Shut up," Harvey addressed his inner voices. They
could be so crass sometimes.
"Psht!" the Joker brushed her advanced off.
"Then why are hanging out with THIS idiot?"
"Hey!" Two-Face pushed his way past Harley and
thrust his fist into the Joker's torso. "She made her choice, pal, so back off!"
"YoU'vE gOt GuTs AfTeR aLl, BoY - iF oNlY yOu WeRe UsInG
tHeM fOr ThE rIgHt rEaSoN..."
Harley shakily stood up behind Two-Face; she sensed her
presence and thrust his arm outwards to block her from advancing past him. Even though she
was the focus of this dispute, he wanted her left out of it. Typical male.
"P-p-puddin', we got separated again and...and...you
know how I can't be on my own for long! Rememba? Our old sessions way back when? You
diagnosed me as 'clingy'." Harley tried to defend herself and Two-Face, even if it
meant putting her own dignity on the line.
"But THIS freak???" the Joker hollered back - his
face was glowing red under its chalky white surface. "You're MY hench-wench and no
one else's. I hate the Plantlady and how you two do that idiotic 'Thelma and Louise' thing
all the time."
"No, not Red!" Harley interjected.
"Yeah, and Eddie Questionmarks, I KNOW about you two -
the time I broke out and left you behind - you got soooooooo lonely that you couldn't help
yourself when he came a-knockin'."
"But how...?" Harley gasped - who told???
"You wouldn't believe how big a gossip Johnnie Crane
is," the Joker mused. Ugh. Harley? And the Riddler? The thought of it disgusted him.
She was HIS property, not property of that...that...rip-off of his Jokerish image and all
indica! "But this...THIS...THIS MAN???" He spat as he spoke. "This is just
a slap in the face."
Two-Face grinned smugly; at last, he'd gotten under the
Joker's skin. Boy, did he love it when he got this riled up.
"gEt OuTa ThErE, hArV - i GoT a BaD fEeLiN' aBoUt
'DiS..."
"I don't want you runnin' around on me any more,"
the Joker growled. He promptly took a step to the side and shot a bullet into Harley's
leg. She lurched forward as she squealed in pain, collapsing against Two-Face's back. He
fell forward a step with the added weight against his body. "Or maybe I just don't
want you running around, period."
Two-Face growled as he saw the hole in her leg. He punched
the Joker in the face, the brass knuckles hidden within his gloved left hand knocking one
of his off-yellow teeth out of his mouth with a gush of blood. It fell to the floor. The
Joker looked up in shock.
"wHaT iS tHiS, a HoCkEy GaMe??? jUsT sHoOt HiM iN tHe
FaCe, DuMp ThE gIrL aNd RuN!"
The Joker scowled - Two-Face was definately the bigger man of
the two, and could relatively easily beat him in a bare fist fight. Then again, was it
ever like the Joker to fight fair? Hardly.
He spat a gush of blood from his mouth into Two-Face's eyes
and belted him in the stomach; Two-Face lurched forward just as the Joker pulled out a
switchblade from up his sleeve and slashed him across the chest. He doubled over in pain
with a grunt and was pushed aside into the wall, clearing a path between the Joker and
Harley. Harley continued to speak, eyes wavering back and forth between Two-Face and the
Joker - concern for Harvey, fear of Mistah J.
"He loved me more in the past two minutes than you have for the past two years!"
Harley retorted. "Maybe..." she stuttered, "...you should get yourself
another 'assistant'."
"Just stop talking," the Joker said, surprisingly
cool. "What matters is that Harvey's a bleeding pile of pus on the floor, and that we
are together again. Give me a hug, baby!!!!" He ran over to her and hugged Harley's
limping body against his. His loving gesture turned to anger once more as he saw a shadowy
figure move in at the window; he spun Harley around and choked her, using her as a human
shield.
"Stay right there, Batman!" The Joker hollered.
Nothing. The figure hopped down from the window sil and presented himself. Rather than
Batman, it was Nightwing. "Again with the sidekicks! Am I not even worth Brucie's
time any more???"
Nightwing moved through the tiny, disgustingly decaying room.
He cast a glance over to the side, and saw Two-Face crumpled up on the floor. Damn - he
really wanted to get a shot or two in on the guy before now. Oh well. "Since we're
being so personal with our names now, let Quinn go," Nightwing spoke,
"JACK."
Joker grinned. No one would ever know his first name. He
wasn't even sure himself. And that was the real joke there, wasn't it?
Still struggling, Harley managed to belch out a few words.
"Puddin', please, don't do this..."
"Yeah, just because she finally went for the better
man," Nightwing gulped and wretched as he said these words, "it doesn't give you
the right keep tabs on her...follow her...or own her."
"You're right," the Joker said. "The boy's
right, Harley girl. I guess it's time we finally parted our ways. You were a great ride
while it lasted," he grinned, "but I guess the better man won." Harley
curled her lips upward - not in a smile, but in more of a lazy sneer.
Nightwing took a step closer, but the Joker scowled.
"STAY BACK! I'm not finished! All you youngins today, with your MTV and short
attention spans, always cutting off your elders..." so Nightwing stopped
walking. "Thank you."
"cAn YoU bElIeVe ThIs HaRvEy??? I cAn'T - tHaT s.O.b. Is
LyInG tHrOuGh HiS yElLoW tEeTh!"
"What's that expression you guys in the cave use?
'Nothing good ever happens in Crime Alley'?" The Joker quickly changed his mindset
and looked down at Harley with a content, romantic goofy grin on his face. "So let's
take off that make-up of yours, poo -" he raised his left hand under his lapel,
"and let's show the world who you REALLY love."
"oH bAbY, tHiS iS iT!!!!"
The Joker crushed the left side of Harley's face into the
flower on his lapel and squeezed - hard. Green acid shot in all directions as it
melted right through his gloves, parts of her mask, and Harley's skin. "No puddin',
NO!" she shrieked as he melted her skin, inside out, right before everyone's. Aside
from heavy grunting and breathing as his act of villainy unfolded, the Joker stayed
completely silent. No laughter or anything.
With a final croak Harley's voice died down, a green haze
raising from her face. The Joker held her barely-breathing body in his arms and watched
her pale skin bubble and pop before him; he couldn't even recognize her any more. He
violently thrashed her to the side and she landed face-first on the dusty floor and slid
towards Two-Face's body, a streak of molten flesh slashed across the splintry floorboards.
Nightwing's eyes were wide with rage - that was just
absolutely disgusting.
"Oh Harvey, I just did you the biggest possible favour.
Look at her! Check out that molten face! You're both the perfect couple of couples
now!" The Joker errupted with hysteria and bolted towards the window, looking for an
escape.
"I don't think so," Nightwing said sternly as the
Joker collided with him - he wouldn't let him get away. Not this time. The two of
them fell back towards the window and nearly slipped through; the Joker was still cackling
insanely at what he considered to be a truly witty pun.
Harvey opened his eyes as Harley's dying cooing sounds
drifted into his ears. He saw her, half white, half green, bleeding from orifices he
didn't even known could exist on her face...it was so beautiful but so disturbing, like
looking into a mirror. He didn't like it one bit.
"jUsT lEt It Go, YoU gOt LuCkY hErE! lEt HiM aNd GrAySoN
dUkE iT oUt. JuSt MaKe A bReAk FoR iT!" Big Bad Harv urged.
"No, I can't let him get away with this. He's gotten
away with too much now. He has to pay."
"yOu'Re EvEn StArTeD sOuNdInG lIkE bAtMaN, nOw - GaWd,
yOu'Re UnBeLiEvAbLe."
"Don't you want to see him dead?"
"...nOw ThAt YoU pUt It ThAt WaY..."
Two-Face kissed two fingers on his right hand and patted them
on the unscarred side of Harley's forehead, just as she let out her last breath. He slowly
rose from the floor, still heaving with breath, the slash across his chest burning. His
eyes were filled with tears and were blurry from being knocked out besides; he flipped his
coin and checked it. Bad Heads. Excellent.
"JOKER!!!!" Two-Face bellowed from deep within; he
grabbed for his gun with his left hand and aimlessly fired a round of bullets in the
direction of the open window.
Two seconds later, a loud thud errupted as a chunk of matter
hit the pavement two storeys below. Two-Face charged to the window, heart pounding; he
threw the upper half of his body through the window and looked downward at his kill with
pride.
"WHOOOO!!!! Gotta work on your aim, babe!!!!"
As his eyes cleared he saw the Joker standing on the
sidewalk, scathed, but still wholly alive, waving gaily. Nightwing lay face down on the
pavement, numerous bullet wounds riddling his body. The Joker giggled and pranced away
into the shadows.
Two-Face sighed, but then quickly looked upwards as another
shadow blocked the rays of moonlight; Batman was standing on the roof of a higher building
across the street, staring down at him. He could see the expression on his face, but
couldn't pinpoint it. He only knew one thing:
"hArVeY...wE aRe SoOoOoOoOoOoO dEaD."
Kicked Off:
HARLEY QUINN (22.7%)
NIGHTWING (19.7%)
Those whom you DID vote for, but they're still hanging
around:
TWO-FACE (18.1%)
THE JOKER (12.1%)
COMMISSIONER GORDON (10.6%)
BATMAN (9.1%)
ALFRED (7.6%)
And now, here's our up-to-date list of our remaining
contenders:
BATMAN
ALFRED
COMMISSIONER GORDON
THE JOKER
TWO-FACE
Congratulations to our subscriber at dllarson@juno.com for winning an unedited copy of
RETURN OF THE JOKER! Now don't forget to vote, the rest of you!
E-mail juno@dccnet.com with your votes of the TWO
you'd like to see cast off. Remember, we need TWO choices! (I stress that
again. TWO!)
PS - Voting for this issue closes at midnight (PST) on May 3,
2001.
___________________________________________________________________
