NO MAN'S ISLAND
ROUND TEN
(the SURVIVOR rip-off...erm...homage)
(by Tim "TWO-FACE" Leighton)
Round Ten - out of nineteen rounds. This is the official halfway point,
everybody. It looks
like most of the riffraff have been exiled from Gotham Island, but the most heroic and
horrific
remain. Who knows what is yet to come???
...A WALTZ DOWN MEMORY LANE...
A WORD FROM THE CAST-AWAYS:
THE PHANTASM: <sigh>..."MY angel of death awaits..."
THE MAD HATTER: <sigh>..."You idiot, Harvey...it was not Scarface that attacked
us, it was...<ack>...you'll lose your head for this, I swear."
We don't know how, but the Riddler sent out this radio transmission in the
hiatus since the last round:
"Riddle me this: when do you know you've lost your nerve?
Answer: That I don't know. Seriously. I've been under so much stress lately that I
can't even think of my riddles properly anymore.
"I've been on edge since Harvey offed the Mad Hatter last week - that
could've been ME. Like, I'm trying to stay on the straight and narrow - at least in a
criminal, illegal sense - but I don't know if I'll be able to make it. Harvey keeps
jumping back and forth between liking and loathing me, and the Scarecrow is REALLY giving
me the creeps. That, and I don't think Harvey's being perfectly straight with us, either.
You know who I saw him speaking with the other day? Bruce Wayne's butler - whatever
his name is. Wilfred, or something. Now what's up with THAT?"
That's very intriguing indeed, Mr. Nygma. He then continued.
"That and I can feel some underlying sexual tension between he and
Quinn - puh-lease, this is getting nauseating. Just like this game is. Why can't I just
win and the game be over and done with?? Ah well, back to planning out war
strategies...later, outsiders."
We wonder if the Riddler has even notified the Supa-Freakz that they're
actually waging war against the Joker and not the Ventriloquist, who was the one that
destroyed their lair a few rounds ago. Ah well, should be interesting.
Meanwhile, back at the sinkhole, Ra's Al Ghul's plans were finally coming to
fruition. "YES!" he exclaimed, happily out of character, holding a vial in his
hand. "I commend you on your fabulous work, Isley. Now we can finally set out and
accomplish our mission." Poison Ivy and Bane rejoiced in their own, low key fashion.
Ra's noticed that Talia was less than jubilant. "Daughter, why are you acting this
way? Do you not understand that we are within moments of succeeding in saving this hell
hole?"
Talia sighed, arms crossed. "Father, this isn't right. I care not to
return this city to its natural beauty; too many lives will be lost. Besides, it was
mostly HER doing, anyway. You've hardly played a role here." In the corner of her
eye, she could see Isley growing angry - she liked that.
"My dear daughter," Ra's said in a soothing tone, "think
logically for a moment. I'm being tremendously generous by choosing to act on my wishes
now. Rather than level a city of ten million, I destroy and rebuild a city and only lose
twenty-one lives maximum." Damn, Ra's - so that's why you agreed to enter this game
so badly. Argh. "Do you not see the great act of courtesy I am performing?"
Talia sat in a funk, grumbling something about some "beloved"
person. Hmmm. Poison Ivy spoke up. "Forget about her, Ra's, let's get going. We're on
a strict schedule here."
"Bane? Where do you suggest we make ground zero?" the Demon's Head
queried.
"Many locations are suitable, but there is one in particular which I
think perfectly suits our needs as it's centrally located on the island - the Iceburg
Lounge."
After a quick revitalizing dip in the Lazarus Pit, Ra's Al Ghul, Poison Ivy,
Bane, and Talia got their gear and headed out.
At the same time, Catwoman raced across the rooftops, away from City Hall;
she had overheard Alfred Pennyworth and Harvey Dent discussing SOMETHING, and the death of
the Huntress had come up; Two-Face apparently has all his stooges on the lookout for her
hide, ready to kill for a reward Bruce Wayne is apparently offering. But why would Wayne
care? Unless......the Iceburg Lounge in sight, Catwoman doubled her speed, burning
questions emblazed in her mind to ask her avian "employer"...
Harvey Bullock and Rene Montoya sat huddled together in their dark tomb of
clay as Commissioner Gordon repeatedly tried to beat a hole through Clayface's
encompassing body to get some fresh air. "Commish, give it up - you've been doing
that for an hour."
Gordon wiped beads of sweat off of his brow. "You have any better
ideas, Bullock?"
"He won't let us die, he needs us as a bargaining chip," Bullock
continued. Montoya gave him a quick jab in the ribs.
"Ohhhh, you're not as dumb as you look, tubby," Clayface's voice
echoed within the caverns of caked clay. His sarcastic tone infuriated Gordon even
further; he resumed attempting to beat a whole through his body, anything - but Clayface
just retorted by laughing in his throat.
Ohhhh, will Gordon, Montoya, and Bullock survive? Will Batman get to them on
time? Or will Clayface have the last laugh after all??? Keep reading to find out!
AND AFTER A TENTH ROUND OF VOTING...
Batman stood hunched over atop a rooftop five blocks away from the Gotham
City Police Department, peering through a pair of binoculars. He was disgusted by what he
saw. Save for a few chunks of jagged brick and masonry, Clayface's gargantuan body
encased the entire three storey building. As his eyes focused, he could hear Nightwing
grunt "Whoa!" and Batgirl sob "Oh my God" in the background. Mr.
Freeze, the uneasy ally, stood silently; he already knew what part he was going to play in
this charade.
"OK, group. Let's go." And they were off.
Clayface immediately picked up on Batman's approach and lashed out a
arm-like strip of clay to set him back; Nightwing and Batgirl ran top speed at the monster
from either direction and he did the same thing. For a few minutes the three
attacked Hagen but to no avail; it wasn't until Batman commanded Mr. Freeze to fire that
they made any headway. Freeze slowly walked over to Clayface in giant strides, embedded
his gun within his dirty flesh, and pulled the trigger. "BLARGH!" Clayface
bellowed out as his writhing, slithery body slowly froze up in a block of ice, inside out.
Batman took a lead pipe laying in the gutter and burst a way through his body of ice and
mud, breaking back into the building; quickly retrieving the huddled trio of cops inside,
he ran back outside to watch Mr. Freeze freeze Hagen up to his head. Batman, Nightwing,
and Batgirl catapulted themselves up onto the roof for a bit of Q&A.
"Why, Hagen?" Batman grunted, fists clenched.
"Go to hell," Clayface moaned in painful response.
Batman smiled wryly. "Freeze!" Freeze started sealing up more of
Clayface's body in ice until he spoke.
"OK! OK!" he gasped, "it wasn't my idea. But damn, it was the
best bit of method acting I've ever done..." the shards of ice slowly crept up around
Clayface's face. "Idiot...didn't tell me you had Freeze on your side...that avian
bastar..." And his body froze up entirely.
Batman stood back and jumped down to street level where Gordon, Bullock, and
Montoya stood together. He spoke to Freeze: "Get Hagen out of here." Then he
spoke to Gordon: "You OK?"
"Yes, I suppose. Now don't you pull your disappearing act on me,"
Gordon stated flatly, "what was THAT all about?"
Batman was already running down the street with his surrogate offspring when
he called back, "it was the Penguin, Jim."
Soonafter Mr. Freeze had managed to peel Clayface's preserved icy body off
of the sides of the police department's exterior and set them afloat in Gotham River, he
and Gordon's crew took off eastward towards the Iceburg Lounge.
A whip lashed out of the blue and quickly tightened itself around Oswald
Cobblepot's throat; his tiny, tubby body was hoisted up off the ground, levered over his
golden ceiling fan. Before he could even choke, Catwoman moved in to speak. "I knew
that when I hooked up with you you'd try to pull something behind my back, Penguin - but
what's this about me being responsible for the Huntress' death?" The Penguin
squawked. "Oh, what was that?" She let go of the whip let him drop flat on his
rear end on the ground; she gasped for a breath of stale air. "Care to repeat that,
Oswald?"
"It - it was Bane, that did it. I thought we were doing you a FAVOUR
getting her out of your hair." He was telling the truth - sort of.
Catwoman walked over to Penguin's armoir and noticed the golden crucifix
laying on the ground in the room's shadows. "I'd be more thorough with cleaning up
this place - it would be very interesting to see what Batman would have done if he saw
this..."
"What do you want?" the Penguin coughed.
"I'll dispose of this item IF you give me half of the baubles you have
held up in your ice fortress, here."
"You're insane." A door slammed below; both the Penguin and
Catwoman heard it - but she ignored it.
"Not really - just a savvy, brutal businesswoman. And from the looks of
it, you don't have a choice."
And that's when the door exploded off of it's hinges. "Oh, COME ON!
That's like the THIRD TIME that's happened to me in as many weeks!" the Penguin
whined.
Once the smoke and dust of ceiling plaster and drywall cleared, Ra's Al Ghul
somberly entered the room, followed by Poison Ivy, Talia, and Bane, the anchor. "Hmm,
the desktop would be an ideal location, Pamela. Set it down there."
The Penguin and Catwoman exchanged glances with each other, shocked - they
never expected THIS to happen, of all things.
"Pleased to meet you again, Mr. Employer," Bane said in a smarmy
voice, addressing the Penguin; Penguin's skin went beet red, right to the tip of his fine
Roman nose.
"What is the meaning of this?" the Penguin stammered.
"Urban renewal," Ra's responded as Poison Ivy cleared a place on
Penguin's desk by the open window. Setting down a large device filled with vials, wires,
and tubes, she glared at Catwoman and winked. Ra's continued. "Nothing personal. This
is just something which must be done. I only wish the Detective could be here to see
it."
"Like hell it is..." Catwoman said, pushing the Penguin out of the
way to go head to head with Ra's. In the corner of her eye she saw Talia smile from the
corner of the room - she didn't seem to be too into her boss' plan. "I don't know who
you are, but..."
"And so it shall remain that way. Thank you for being of service to us,
Mr. Cobblepot. Pamela, Bane, let's go."
"No, father, I won't do this," Talia said, advancing towards Ivy
to retrieve her insidious creation.
Ra's sighed. "As much as I hate to see my daughter unhappy, I cannot
let you interfere. Bane, remove her. Alive." Bane promptly grabbed her, threw her
under his right arm, and left.
Poison Ivy grinned as she caressed her biological weapon delicately.
"And don't play with this either - any adjustments and it'll go off
immediately." She set what everyone thought was a bomb for ten minutes and started
the countdown. "Toodles, baby." She blew a kiss and quickly moved out the door,
followed by Ra's Al Ghul, whose attitude didn't seem changed any since he first arrived.
"Now, that was interesting," the Penguin groaned, watching the
weapon tick down.
"I'm gonna stop it," Catwoman said sternly; the Penguin quickly
grabbed her.
"No way! I'm getting out of here NOW. Leave it for Batman to
handle." The Penguin ran over to his armoir and grabbed his 'propellor
umbrella' and made his way towards the window. He climbed up on the window sil and jumped
out.
"No, Cobblepot, you're not getting off the hook THAT easily..."
She grabbed his foot.
"Let go of me! I can't carry the weight of two people!" the
Penguin stammered.
"No need to. You're staying here."
"You really ARE insane, you know that???" the Penguin said,
slashing Catwoman with his umbrella; suddenly his perfect, eloquent speech reduced itself
to inane insulting banter.
The Penguin's swing of the umbrella accidentally hit the bomb and knocked it
onto the ground; one of the wires came loose and the timer started counting down ten times
as fast. "Oh God..."
"You IDIOT!" Catwoman spat. She grabbed the Penguin, put his
rotund body under her arm, and dove out the window.
"You...saved me?" the Penguin groaned...
"For the moment...you're not out of the woods yet, Cobblepot,"
Catwoman retorted. And she was on the run. Again.
The Iceburg Lounge immediately imploded as bright rays of light shot in all
directions; chunks of rock and concrete were tossed carelessly in all directions through
the streams and clouds of smoke, leveling half of the buildings in the immediate area.
After the initial explosion died down, a neon green light glared through the scorched
earth and liquid of the same colour bubbled forth. Plant life ruptured through the cracked
and craggly concrete canyons of Gotham City, slowly constricting and squeezing the life
out of its urban landscape.
The Scarecrow was charging at the vacant GCPD when he found out. His fear
gas in free-flow, searching for the insidious (but innocent) Ventriloquist, the shaking of
the ground knocked him flat on his back; Two-Face and the Riddler dropped their guns and
scrambled for their gas masks; Harley Quinn wasn't so lucky. "Whoa..." the three
men said as they stared in the distance, watching the buildings crumble to the power of
the explosions of light, "...what the hell just happened there?" Harley's
screams of induced fear filled the air.
"Holy..." Robin bit his tongue, "what was THAT?" He and
Alfred raced out of the Batcave to see what they could - only a bright light in the centre
of town. "Alfred...isn't that where the Iceburg Lounge is located?" He quickly
ran out of the cave to aid his fellow heroes.
Batman, Nightwing, and Batgirl were making a beautiful arc through the air
between skyscrapers when the earth shook and the buildings fell. They were virtually
silent; after a second to take it all in, they ran towards the Iceburg Lounge
double-speed.
The Joker was dreamily staring out of his 13th floor window when it
happened. Surveying the city. His city. And then it happened! "WHOO!" the Joker
screamed as the force of the repetitive explosions knocked him back into a wall. "I
swear," he groaned, clutching his side, "whoever did this is going to pay for
BEATING ME TO IT! I was gonna do that. ME! ME! ME!" And his whining filled the night.
"Are you sure we should let this guy go around so freely?" Bullock
queried as he, Gordon, and Montoya followed behind the Batsquad by a couple of blocks.
"No, Harvey," Montoya replied, "but he and Batman have cut
some sort of deal with Freeze, so until he does something wrong, I'm not
interfering." She sniffed herself. "Ewww, I STILL smell like mud..."
When the earth shook they were all knocked to the ground, with the exception
of Freeze; Gordon fell right into his arms, soonafter frantically pushing himself away.
"Th...thanks..."
"You're welcome," Freeze responded coldly, bluntly.
"I'm so pleased this has finally come to fruition," Ra's Al Ghul
said, ecstatic. Just give me until the end of this god-forsaken contest and Gotham will be
completely at one with Mother Nature again." Poison Ivy and Bane nodded. "And it
came off without any interruptions whatsoever."
Talia's body surfaced on our side of Gotham River the following morning,
unconscious but alive.
Kicked Off:
TALIA (23.0%)
CLAYFACE (14.9%)
Those whom you DID vote for, but they're still hanging around:
RA'S AL GHUL (12.2%)
THE PENGUIN (12.2%)
BANE (8.1%)
THE RIDDLER (5.4%)
HARVEY BULLOCK (5.4%)
THE JOKER (4.1%)
RENE MONTOYA (2.7%)
THE SCARECROW (2.7%)
CATWOMAN (2.7%)
BATMAN (2.7%)
HARLEY QUINN (1.4%)
MR. FREEZE (1.4%)
NIGHTWING (1.4%)
And now, here's our up-to-date list of our remaining contenders.
BATMAN
ROBIN
BATGIRL
NIGHTWING
ALFRED
COMMISSIONER GORDON
DET. HARVEY BULLOCK
RENE MONTOYA
THE JOKER
THE PENGUIN
CATWOMAN
THE RIDDLER
TWO-FACE
POISON IVY
THE SCARECROW
MR. FREEZE
BANE
HARLEY QUINN
RA'S AL GHUL
Congratulations to our subscriber Bill Chambers for winning an unedited copy
of RETURN OF THE
JOKER! Now don't forget to vote, the rest of you!
E-mail juno@dccnet.com with your votes of the TWO
you'd like to see cast off. Remember, we need TWO choices! (I stress that
again. TWO!)
PS - Voting for this issue closes at midnight (PST) on January 26, 2001.
_____________________________________________________________________
