EDITORIAL
(by
Tim "TWO-FACE" Leighton)
Actually, know what? We decided against writing a
spoiler-filled review of RETURN OF THE JOKER this issue, because we wanted
to give everyone a chance to watch the video for themselves before we take
all the surprises out of it. Be sure to check back here in for the review and a new
editorial.
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RETURN
OF THE JOKER GIVEAWAY
We have a contest, just in time for Christmas! We're trying to
get people both more involved with the newsletter AND want to help them out
at the same time. That said, we're offering anyone that participates in our
NO MAN'S ISLAND column a chance to win unedited copies of RETURN OF THE
JOKER.
The way it works is as follows: vote for the two characters
you'd like to vote off the island. Of the characters that are being cast off
or even nominated in that particular issue, we will randomly select one of
these characters for our contest. Anyone who voted for this character will
be entered into a draw, according to the e-mail address from which their ballot
was recieved. Every issue, we will randomly select one e-mail address (from
a hat, to make it fair) and that participant, if willing, wins a copy of the
unedited movie!
It is only possible to win once; you may vote for NO MAN'S
ISLAND as often as you like, but you will only be entered into our RETURN OF
THE JOKER giveaway if you are a subscriber and have not already won a copy
in a previous voting session.
If the selected winner for whatever reason declines, the will
be another draw for that same week. Each e-mail address can only win once!
The catch? The winner, if agreeing, must provide a tape and enough money to
cover postage ($5 American) of the tape to and from their place of residence. There will be no extra profit for us at BATMAN: THE ANIMATED
NEWSLETTER (as that would be illegal) or anything. We just want to get this
movie out to more people as it's not going to be definately released on tape
just yet.
NOTE: I am not promoting the act of bootlegging videos and
making a profit from it, I am merely looking for the cost of the tape and
postage, so fans will be able to view the movie as it was supposed to
be.
That said, let's get voting! (And make sure to read the
NO MAN'S ISLAND section
below.)
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NO
MAN'S ISLAND
ROUND SEVEN
(the SURVIVOR rip-off...erm...homage)
(by Tim
"TWO-FACE" Leighton)
We still don't have a fixed connection with anyone on the
island. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm beginning to miss Summer
Gleason. Yeah. I'm going crazy. Our best bet still seems to be with
Commissioner Gordon, but the Penguin and Alfred Pennyworth have also made
contact with the outside from their own residences.
Sorry my friends, but this is the best we can do at the
moment.
...A WALTZ DOWN MEMORY LANE...
A WORD FROM THE CAST-AWAYS:
RUPERT THORNE: "My
empire...gone...piece by piece before my eyes. I never thought I'd be alive to see the day Gotham was removed from my clutches...damn costumed
'supervillains'. You sick bunch of freaks..."
KKKKRRAAAAKK!!!
MAN-BAT: "SKREEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
* * * * * * * * * *
AND WHAT'S HAPPENED SINCE:
Two-Face has spent the past week getting comfortable in his
new digs in Thorne's old office building in the wake of his removal from NO
MAN'S ISLAND. "Can you keep a secret?" Of course I can, Harv. "With only
Quinn, Nygma, Tetch, Crane and ourself in this group now, we need to spread
out our resources. I'm keeping Crane, Quinn and I here; Nygma and Tetch are
stuck out at City Hall. Honestly, it's been too close for comfort recently,
with the Joker's rampages, that fight with Freeze and Firefly, Man-Bat, and
all that; City Hall is far too an explosive action for us. Let those two
brainiacs hold down the fort; besides - Thorne's building here has a better
weapons cache and plusher two-toned apholstry."
With Two-Face out of the room, Scarecrow spoke his mind. "I
trust Harv and all but I'm starting to feel a little useless here. All I do
is stand by his side and act creepy. I never actually do anything. Come on,
doesn't anyone need a good scare here?" He quickly crept up on Quinn in the
shower and yelled out "BOO!!!!" she freaked and wrapped the curtain around her
as tightly as she possibly could. "Just keeping you on your toes,
babe."
The Huntress had another run-in with Catwoman last night, this
time in Gotham Times Square. Neither came out of the battle unscathed;
Huntress suffered some gashes to her face and upper torso, as did Ms. Kyle.
"I must say," Catwoman was quoted saying by the Huntress, "I'm insulted that
Batman sends out this schoolmarm to capture me. It's an insult to be considered
only a second-tier player in this town, especially by him." Though the fight
was considered to be a draw as Catwoman ran before Bertinelli could finish
her off, the Huntress came out with a slight upper hand; some of the baubles
she accidentally left behind on the rooftops were small, gold-plated dove
necklaces and rings and such crafted by K.G. Bird Jewelers.
"This is too obvious a hint. This is too sloppy, even for
Cobblepot," the Huntress was quoted in saying.
A cat-fight was reported from within the walls of the GCPD
headquarters last night. Apparently Anne is not impressed by Zatanna's
unjustifiably named "talent show" and wants her out; she's just a petty
annoyance. Montoya became involved and took it upon herself to act as moderator between the two; Bullock watched in interest as the estrogen flew.
Gordon didn't pay any attention; he had too much on his mind to deal with
this. He had met with Batman the previous day and was pretty spooked by
something he said regarding the sinkhole that opened up on the east side a
couple of weeks ago.
"I'm sicka 'dis!" Scarface said, embedding his fist into
Arnold Wesker's cranium. "The Gatman is pickin' us off one by one - it's
only you, be, and Crockers over there." Or is it? "Croc? Where
are ya, ya gig stupid lug?" Has Killer Croc left the Scarface's crew now,
too? "Agh, crap...this is NOT good." And suddenly, out of nowhere, a large
wooden mallot came crashing down onto Scarface's head, knocking him out of
Wesker's hand and onto the crowd. "What the...?"
BLAM!!!!
"Dummy, help me!!!" Scarface's frozen lips spoke.
"Nooooo!!" Wesker cried as the bullet burnt itself into
Scarface's chest. "Mr. Scarface, sir!!! No!!!"
"Oh shut up, you're far too old to be playing with
dolls."
"W..whuh?" Arnold Wesker nervously shook as he turned around,
voice quivering as his heart raced; his chest heaved and his stomach sunk as
his cleaned the fog from his glasses. "No...God, no, this is not
happening..."
"Oh, but it is," the slithering voice spoke as a gloved hand
came down on Wesker's shoulder, quickly moving over to clutch his neck and
scratch his collarbone, "unless you do a little something for
me."
* * * * * * * * * *
AND AFTER A SEVENTH ROUND OF VOTING...
"I hate you. I hate everything about you. Your show sucks, you
talentless hack!"
While Gordon passed on word about his latest meeting with
Batman, we couldn't help but hear the catfight ensuing behind him.
"Me, talentless? You swine - you're a complete pig. Your
room is FILTHY and so is your mouth!"
Anne. Zatanna. Stop it. Please.
"No, don't stop. This is the best entertainment I've seen
since Quinn and Isley held up that strip joint we were at for Jimbo's sixtieth
last year. Remember that, Commish?"
Bullock...only you would think of something that crass to say.
That's beautiful.
Gordon had finally had enough with the brawl and told them
both to get out unless they'd get along. Anne pouted and Zatanna begged.
"No! No! Please, just let me do one more trick - if I get a good response, I
stay. Deal?" Everyone seemed to think the deal was fair. "OK, here goes. Prepare to be amazed!" She raised her wand and tapped her top hat once,
twice, thrice; a cloud of smoke burst out from above and consumed her body,
and then in an instant after it had cleared, she was gone. A round of
applause erupted amongst the four others in the GCPD headquarters, until
they realized that she wasn't coming back.
And she hasn't been seen since. Oops.
"Good riddance," Anne was quoted as saying, "we didn't needed
any bimbos like that around making us uncomfortable, huh Rene?"
Montoya had no comment.
Batman broke up a snuggle-session between Nightwing and
Batgirl last night with an important mission for them. Their secret
identities are being withheld because...well...damn it, I have no clue whom
these people may be. "Nightwing. Batgirl. I need you two to escort Freeze to Wesker's camp. I need some answers."
The two young spandex-laden lovers sighed in distaste for
their leader's command. "And why can't you do it?"
"I'm paying a visit to the Penguin." He showed the two the
jewels Huntress swiped from Catwoman the other day. "I need to get some
answers of my own." He put them back into his utility belt and turned to
Alfred. "Alfred, stay here with Robin. You can pay a visit to Dent as soon as we get a fix on his new location."
"Of course, sir. You really are good with orders, aren't you?"
Alfred responded.
Nightwing, Batgirl, and Mr. Freeze albeit begrudgingly arrived
at Scarface's camp on foot about two hours later. "This had better be fast,"
Freeze said. "I must get back to my Nora."
"Easy Victor, this shouldn't take long," Nightwing said as he
approached Wesker; as his eyes adjusted to the dark, he realized the aged
man was curled up in the fetal position, rocking back and forth on the dirty
cracked flooring. "Wesker," he said with an air of concern in his
voice.
"Scarface...Croc...all gone...couldn't protect me...all
alone..." he said, his face still hidden in the shadows, almost giggling in
a futile attempt to overpower his terror.
Mr. Freeze stood ominously looking on in the background,
seemingly unconcerned. Batgirl crept up to Wesker's side and rolled him
over; the Ventriloquist's face was covered with black and blue welts, his
glasses cracked and clothes torn. "Omigod, who did this?"
"It was...HIM..."
The two looked at each other in fear. "Freeze, take him to
Commissioner Gordon. Now." And so Freeze did as Nightwing asked; Batman must
have something very precious of his in order to be bossing a stubborn ox
like Freeze around like this.
"HARRRRRVEEEEYYYYYYY!!!!" the Joker hollered after an
introductory whistle, standing before the grande staircase outside City
Hall. "Guess who's BAAAA-AAAAACK!" Holding a pair of gatling guns in his
hands he aimed at the glistening windows of City Hall and all at once blew them
all about, shards of glass shattering and soaring in all directions. The
blasts rung out across the silent city for miles. After a moment's pause, he
screamed. "Get your two-toned ass out here! We have things to
discuss!"
As Two-Face, Scarecrow, and Harley Quinn were out searching
Thorne's corporate offices two miles away, only the Riddler and Mad Hatter
were in the building at the time. "Tetch. You creep up around behind him and
slip one of your mind control devices behind his ear," Nygma suggested.
"ME?? Why not YOU? Do you think I'm THAT insane to venture out
there, Edward?"
"No, no..." the Riddler continued, his speech broken up
temporarily by another barrage of bullets. "But you're smaller, easier to
hide, and more agile; in the meantime I'll distract him. If the Joker knows
I'm in here, he'll come for me and completely ignore you. He hates how much
smarter I am than he."
"I am, too."
"I know. You're absolutely brilliant. Now let's do this
thing." And so the Riddler and Mad Hatter split up in hopes of ambushing the
Clown Prince of Crime before they had no home left to protect.
"You Chicken, Harv??? Come on, I can't wait all day, you know!
I have a lot of other malicious duties on my agenda and it's selfish of you
to be taking up all my time!!"
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM
"Your little kitty is out for my blood, Cobblesnot," the
Huntress said, trying to sound tough. She grabbed the Penguin by the lapels
and threw him across the room, knocking him into the far wall; his monocle
fell to the ground and shattered as his heel collided with it. "We all
know you have something planned and this is just the latest twist to your
scheme." She dug the tip to her crossbow into his fleshy neck. "Batman knows
it. I know it. Gleason knew it. Gordon knows it. Fess up now or I swear I'll
kill you."
"P...pp...pplease, you have it all wrong," the Penguin
stammered. "I understand your concern. I know I don't have the cleanest of
records but I cannot reitterate enough: I am a LEGITIMATE BUSINESSMAN. I see
no reason as to why you're pinning Catwoman's crimes on me; why would I use her? She's double-crossed me before in the past, why would I run the risk of
doing so now?" THe Huntress still wouldn't let the flightless bird go. "So
please, put me down or I'll be forced to defend myself."
"No, Cobblepot, that's where you're wrong. We're separated
from the world out here. The law no longer applies. So anything goes." She
clutched his throat tigther and kneed him in the thigh, right where Two-Face
shot him many months before. "Say it, Cobblepot. Say that you're
guilty!"
THUD!
With a direct hit to the back of the cranium, Bane's fist
knocked Huntress unconscious. "Where the hell were you?" The Penguin
bellowed as the Huntress fell to his feet; he rubbed his collarbone and took
a couple of deep breaths.
"My apologies, I was elsewhere doing some
business."
And the Penguin didn't want to think of that. That just
disturbed. "Whatever. Just get her body out of here before Batman shows up.
Go dump her off in that MASH tent where that Pennyworth fellow is. And make
sure her body is plenty scratched up." He walked over to her side and snapped the crucifix from around her neck and put it in his pocket; he
kicked her in the side and sat back down behind his desk. "No
scoot. Off with you. After we get that done we have other
business to take care of."
And with that, Bane slung the still warm, still alive body of
the Huntress over his shoulder with a loud thud and exited the office and
reimersed himself into the shadows.
* * * * * * * * * *
ROUND SEVEN
Kicked Off:
ZATANNA (29.3%)
THE HUNTRESS
(15.9%)
Those whom you DID vote for, but they're still hanging
around:
KILLER CROC (11.0%)
THE PHANTASM (6.1%)
THE
VENTRILOQUIST/SCARFACE (6.1%)
THE PENGUIN (4.9%)
THE MAD HATTER
(3.7%)
RENE MONTOYA (2.4%)
RA'S AL GHUL (2.4%)
CLAYFACE (2.4%)
THE
RIDDLER (2.4%)
THE SCARECROW (2.4%)
BATMAN (2.4%)
ROBIN (2.4%)
TALIA
(1.2%)
HARVEY BULLOCK (1.2%)
THE JOKER (1.2%)
POISON IVY
(1.2%)
ALFRED (1.2%)
And now, here's our up-to-date list of
contenders.
BATMAN
ROBIN
BATGIRL
NIGHTWING
ALFRED
COMMISSIONER
GORDON
DET. HARVEY BULLOCK
RENE MONTOYA
THE JOKER
THE
PENGUIN
CATWOMAN
THE RIDDLER
TWO-FACE
POISON IVY
THE
SCARECROW
MR. FREEZE
THE MAD HATTER
BANE
KILLER CROC
THE
VENTRILOQUIST/SCARFACE
HARLEY QUINN
CLAYFACE
RA'S AL
GHUL
TALIA
THE PHANTASM
* * * * * *
Congratulations to our subscriber at Steve Timberman for
winning a copy of RETURN OF THE JOKER!
Now don't forget to vote, the
rest of
you!
E-mail
juno@dccnet.com with your votes of the TWO
you'd like to see cast off. Remember, we need TWO choices! (I stress that
again. TWO!)
PS - Voting for this issue closes at midnight on December 17,
2000.
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