NO
MAN'S ISLAND
(the SURVIVOR rip-off...erm...homage)
(by Tim "TWO-FACE"
Leighton)
...A WALTZ DOWN MEMORY LANE...
A WORD FROM THE CAST-AWAYS:
Baby-Doll: "We're so happy I'm
out of Gotham - aren't we, Mr. Happy-Head?"
Calendar Girl: "Get away from me,
kid. Just...stop pointing that THING at me."
Baby-Doll: "But Mistah
Happy-Head wants ta say 'hullo'!"
Calendar Girl: "I don't think so.
Taxi!"
Baby-Doll: "Where ya headed, mommy?"
Calendar Girl: "Listen, and
listen good. I am NOT your mommy. REMEMBER THAT."
Baby-Doll: "Where ya
goin'?"
Calendar Girl: "Hollywood. If I didn't get voted off I would've
missed my audition to be Fox's replacement on 'Spin City'."
Baby-Doll:
"Can I come, too?"
Calendar Girl: "Sure. But say 'Are we there yet?' once and
Mr. Happy-Head will be lodged in your rectum PERMANENTLY."
Baby-Doll: "I
don't like wedgies."
AND WHAT'S HAPPENED SINCE:
Everyone was under the assumption that after the two whiniest
contestants of the bunch were thrown off, things were going to get a lot
calmer. Not so.
The lightweight group - the Riddler, Mad Hatter, and the
Ventriloquist - are relatively happy now that Baby-Doll was eliminated
immediately, so they could finally get some sleep. Says Wesker, "Scarface
didn't like competing with Mr. Happy-Head to run this group. He would have offed him, EASILY, if it ever came to that, but we didn't want to start up a
riff on the island quite so soon."
The Riddler had this to say: "Yeah, but we're still in big
trouble, here. We really have to recruit some type of muscle here, or we're
going to all get killed right away. That...and the middleweight have ALL THE
GIRLS!"
The Mad Hatter didn't say anything. He just sipped some Cool
Nestea and quoted something from Lewis Carroll.
The
middleweights - the Joker, Two-Face, Harley, Ivy, and the Scarecrow - aren't
faring nearly as well. "Everyone is already getting on everybody's nerves,"
Dr. Quinzelle said, quickly analyzing the situation, using every skill and
technique she picked up in college when she wasn't doing the
professor. "Harv and Puddin' just keep bantering back and forth with each other over who should be declared leader. I don't like seeing people yellin'
at Puddin' like that."
Poison Ivy had this to say: "Catwoman's already headed off on
her own. I was surprised to see her try to fit in in the first place; this
group isn't big enough for two women." Harley quickly perked up; Ivy shot
her a glance back and Harley wilted down again. "Yeah. We all know who's in
control here."
Begrudgingly tearing himself away from Two-Face and Joker's
battle of wit and words, the Scarecrow added, "I don't care who wins.
Someone's gonna die, and as long as it's not ME, I really could care
less."
The Penguin has mentioned that he had a quick meeting with
Batman a few days after Two-Face shot him in ROUND ONE. "Yeah, I guess
he still is around. Like I thought otherwise. He just stood there,
omnimously as per usual, and told me to keep my beak clean - or else there'd be severe consequences. I'm getting the idea that he's using me.
AGAIN."
Batman, Robin, Nightwing, and Batgirl have all been reported
to be skulking on the rooftops on the outside of the city, circling, waiting
for someone to make a move. At least that's what Commissioner Jim Gordon
states. "I'm surprised I haven't heard from Bru...erm, Batman since this began. Maybe he's pretending to be missing for three months again, I
don't know. He can be such a pain sometimes. Either way, I have seen
something flying around my camp some nights - that's gotta be him. But why
won't he talk to me? Bullock must be scaring him off. I swear, that whale that washed ashore last week has better breath..."
And again, no word from the heavies. Bane, Killer Croc, Mr.
Freeze, Lock-Up, and Clayface are all out there, somewhere.
And one begins to wonder if the others are even on the island.
I don't think Ra's Al Ghul's agent ever got back to us about whether he'd be
participating or not...
* * * * * * * * * *
AND AFTER A SECOND ROUND OF VOTING...
Sideshow freaks make very strange bedfellows. Rene
Montoya has shared with the rest of the GCPD that she has spotted Killer
Croc and Man-Bat wandering about town as a pair of nomads, searching for an
ideal sector of the city to take root. "Maybe THAT was what Gordon saw
last night, flying around our camp," Montoya commented. "Last I saw, they
were on the outskirts of Robinson Park, moving within the
foliage."
After Gordon heard of this news, he had this to comment. "This
marks the first time in ages that Killer Croc has shown that he has any
brains at all. It looks like he is staying hidden on the ground and uses
Man-Bat as some type of surveilance. They haven't actually done anything criminal as of yet - at least as far as we know - so we're letting them be,
for now."
Meanwhile, it looks as if the group of "lightweights" have
acquired some new muscle in the form of Firefly. There is no other
information that can be given on this development at this time; our scooper,
Summer Gleason, just mentioned that both the Riddler and Mad Hatter had very crafty looks on their faces. Band-leader Scarface should keep a close eye on
those two. More as we hear it...
"I swear, if they don't simmer down soon, I'm leaving," Poison
Ivy commented, regarding what's now being referred to as "The Great
Joker/Two-Face Debate". Not a very creative title, indeed (apparently Harley
was the first to use it), but it works; as for the debate itself, it looks as if those two will never get along. Something big will surely come of
this, soon. This scoop was brought to us by "honourable citizen"
Roland Dagget, who then had this to say: "Yeah. I swear, this game better be
over soon. Those two are going to kill each other are going to take ALL OF
US with them!" Dagget was then spotted emerging back into the shadows, later
resurfacing at Thorne Enterprises.
The Penguin, still resting up comfortably in his bed at the
Iceburg Lounge, demanded we come to for he had news for us. We just think he
was upset that he was no longer the centre of attention. "Some
malignant IDIOT dropped by my place overnight and just started laughing at me. Demonically, even. No, it wasn't the CLOWN as I originally thought - it
was some idiot in yellow that I'd never seen before. Who the hell was
THAT? I mean, honestly - he drew a fake moustache on me while I was
asleep - at least he bragged so - and when I cast a glance over to my desk,
I noticed that he had drawn genetalia on my penguin paperweight! Geez!"
Riiiiight, Oswald. Surrrrre. Momma's boy. Just be happy you weren't nearly
knocked off AGAIN this time.
Roxy Rockett was spotted last night in the vicinity of
Robinson Park; it's unknown what she was doing. She could've been just going
out for a joyride for all we knew. Or she could be working for the Penguin,
again. Either way, Man-Bat has made short work of her; he briefly left Killer Croc and chased Roxy out to sea and clawed the jet-engine on her rock 'til
it was merely shrapnel. She's presumed lost at sea. "Good. She was
really starting to get on everyone's nerves, anyway." Killer Croc said. "Not
so much that she was doing anything, per se - just the fact that she was
even AROUND was reason enough to off her. Even moreso than
Baby-Doll."
Note: I, GWBS reporter Summer Gleason, went to great lengths
to clean up his language - and just make it understandable.
Roland Dagget is in a heap of trouble. He had been keeping a
low profile for the first few weeks of 'NO MAN'S ISLAND', but has now broke
his silence. "Yes, I admit it. Thorne and I are in kahootz. We were planning
on waiting for all the other freaks to kill each other and then split the
island in half between the both of us. But I don't want any part of it any more. Thorne has acquired this new lackey - I haven't even seen his (?) face yet -
he just stands in the shadows all the time, staring at me during my meetings
with Thorne."
"Who are you talking to, Roland?" We don't know who said this,
but we heard it come from about a block away when we were getting his
scoop.
"Oh, nothing Rupe - just thinking out loud." OK, so we do know
who said this. What do you expect? I took writing at Yale. :-)
"Really. I highly doubt that, Mr. Dagget," Rupert said; a loud
click could be heard, coming from his direction. Without another word, all
we saw was Mr. Dagget's body being riddled by bullets. We all hit the deck;
when we looked up again, his body was gone.
Interesting...it makes you wonder where Batman
is.
ROUND TWO
Kicked Off:
ROLAND DAGGET (13.6%)
ROXY ROCKETT
(13.6%)
Those whom you DID vote for, but they're still here:
THE
CREEPER (9%)
THE VENTRILOQUIST/SCARFACE (6.8%)
LESLIE THOMPKINS
(6.8%)
SUMMER GLEASON (6.8%)
FIREFLY (4.5%)
KILLER CROC (4.5%)
THE
DEMON (4.5%)
ZATANNA (4.5%)
THE PENGUIN (4.5%)
RUPERT THORNE
(4.5%)
MAN-BAT (4.5%)
THE HUNTRESS (2.2%)
HARLEY QUINN
(2.2%)
LOCK-UP (2.2%)
BATGIRL (2.2%)
THE PHANTASM (2.2%)
And now, here's our up-to-date list of
contenders.
BATMAN
ROBIN
BATGIRL
NIGHTWING
ALFRED
COMMISSIONER
GORDON
DET. HARVEY BULLOCK
RENE MONTOYA
DR. LESLIE THOMPKINS
THE
CREEPER
THE DEMON
THE HUNTRESS
ZATANNA
SUMMER GLEASON
THE
JOKER
THE PENGUIN
CATWOMAN
THE RIDDLER
TWO-FACE
POISON IVY
THE
SCARECROW
MR. FREEZE
THE MAD HATTER
BANE
KILLER CROC
THE
VENTRILOQUIST/SCARFACE
HARLEY QUINN
CLAYFACE
FIREFLY
RA'S AL
GHUL
TALIA
THE PHANTASM
LOCK-UP
MAN-BAT
RUPERT
THORNE
* * * * * *
OUT OF
COMMISSION:
E-mail
juno@dccnet.com with your votes of the TWO
you'd like to see cast off. Remember, we need TWO choices! (I stress that
again. TWO!)
PS - Voting for this issue closes at midnight on October 20,
2000.
___________________________________________________________________
BATMAN:
THE ANIMATED TRIVIA
(by Tim "TWO-FACE" Leighton)
This is one of my favourite sections, where I get to
boggle the minds of all our readers!
*EVIL LAUGH* This trivia is all
animated-related in some form, and can deal with ANY aspect of the show or
comics based on the show. Remember, answer the questions WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF
THE ANIMATED CONTINUITY. Now have fun - let's see how well you do! Answers
are provided below.
POTPURRI, BABY!!!
401. In which episodes can someone aside from Ms. Quinzel
herself be seen wearing a Harley Quinn costume?
Answer: _____________
402. In which season of BTAS was a Catwoman/Black Canary
team-up planned (but ultimately scratched)?
Answer: _____________
403. Which Bat-character has had the most different voice
actors/actresses provide his/her voice?
Answer: _____________
404. How many different voice actors/actresses have worked
with this character?
Answer: _____________
405. Who currently provides this character's
voice?
Answer: _____________
406. In THE WORRY MEN, which Bat-villain charicature tried to
fill Batman full of holes?
Answer: _____________
407. In the order of original air date, which BTAS episode was
the first of the "new style" that featured animation by TMS?
Answer: _____________
408. "Germs" is a lacky of what Bat-villain?
Answer: _____________
409. "Moe" is a lacky of what Bat-villain?
Answer: _____________
410. "Max" is a lacky of what Bat-villain?
Answer:
_____________
_____________________________________________________________________
AND
THESE ARE OUR FINAL ANSWERS (to the trivia)
Answer to #401: JOKER'S WILD, JOKER'S MILLIONS
Answer to
#402: SECOND (1994)
Answer to #403: Batgirl (3 in BTAS, 2 on
BEYOND)
Answer to #404: Five
Answer to #405: Angie Harmon
Answer to
#406: The Riddler (a robot under the Mad Hatter's control)
Answer to #407:
NEVER FEAR
Answer to #408: Roland Dagget
Answer to #409: The
Joker
Answer to #410:
Two-Face
_____________________________________________________________________
