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MERCHANDISING: WHERE THE REAL BAT-CASH IS MADE
(by anyone that wants to contribute)

 

This article by: Craig "Gookie" Crumpton

 

Re: BATMAN BEYOND BATLINK FIGURES

 

The new Batman Beyond Batlink action figures have been out for a few weeks now, but after seeing them up close, I decided they were crappy and didn't interest me. And then I noticed that the "Deluxe" Energy Surge BatmanTM came with "a dual audio CD/CD-ROM" that included (as stated on the package) "SCREEN SAVERS! AUDIO SOUNDTRACK! BATLINKTM AUDIO ADVENTURE!"

 

Sounded cool, I thought - like buying a CD and getting an action figure for free. And the "audio adventure" interested me - I like that voice actor stuff, y'know. I have no plans to replace my Iron Giant screensaver anytime soon, but I figured I'd check these out anyway.

 

Using what was left on a gift purchase card I recieved for Christmas, I bought the crappy figure, mostly hoping the CD included would be the redeeming quality. So I get home and the CD loads with no problems. I'm expecting to see some "video" since the back of the package says "use [CD] in a computer to hear audio and see video".

 

What passes for "video" on this disc is nothing more than cut-and-paste comic book images which have been manipulated to appear as though they are "animated". If you thought Filmation animation was bad, you haven't seen "bad" yet.

 

But perhaps I'm a bit too harsh - after all, what can you expect from a "freebie"? And the limited animation is actually better than a lot of crappy web cartoons I've seen. It's just that the art is too cartoony and doesn't look like either the comic book or the animated series.

 

It may not exactly be "video", but it does make a decent screensaver - with character profiles of Terry, Bruce, Dana, Barbara Gordon, The Jokerz Gang, Inque and Blight (who looks like a glowing green skeleton of Homer Simpson). There are also some limited-animation "action" scenes of Batman battling each villain in turn. Because it's so simply-rendered, it's actually amusing to watch. Add your own sound effects and cheesy superhero dialog and it's really quite entertaining... provided you're easily amused.

 

The disc also includes one sample of desktop wallpaper, available in 3 different sizes. It's nearly identical to what you find on the homepage when visiting batmanbeyond.com - the "Batman Beyond" logo and Batman in an action pose. Too bad there aren't a few more samples available.

 

More misleading than the "video" advertised on the package is the "audio soundtrack". There are two tracks on the CD in all - the "soundtrack" is none other than the opening theme for the show (a cool thing if you don't already own the CD from Kids Rhino). It gives the option of loading the screensaver with or without music. I'd advise *without*. I think the theme rocks hard, but any song will annoy in heavy rotation (like Lou Bega's "Mambo #5"). I should mention that if you let the disc run, it will play a slight variation of the theme. It will hold your interest for a full 15 seconds at least.

 

The other track is the "BatlinkTM Audio Adventure", which is disappointing because it's nothing more than a narration (accompanied by background music and sound effects), which in reality is a 5-minute (approximately) toy commercial for Hasbro's BatlinkTM action figure line. It's what I should have expected.

 

Oh, how naive I was.

 

What's worse is the narrative style in which this is written. It's what my Advanced Creative Writing instructor called "overwriting" - an exaggerated, melodramatic style which sounds juvenile and is always a sure sign of writing inexperience. A lot of you know what I'm talking about - overuse of modifiers and awkward "then suddenly" transitions.

 

The audio adventure on this disc is so bad, it's funny. That may seem odd, but not when you consider that this is a toy commercial disguised as an "audio adventure". (The voice artist is a complete unknown to me, in case you were curious.)

 

To those who have been wondering if the BatlinkTM toys would in any way be connected with the series, I think you have nothing to worry about. The only continuity in which these characters or this plot will appear is on this disc. And I have no idea why Robin is included in the toy line because he doesn't appear in the story at any time. (I guess for the name and familiarity clause Hasbro is so fond of using to sell toys with no regard for continuity.) The CD is just a commercial to push yet another line of figures that appeal only to a younger demographic.

 

Here's the plot, as given by the narrator:

 

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While trying to hack into Wayne Enterprises' computer system, Jokerz leader, J-ManTM, encounters Virtual JokerTM - a deadly computer virus created by a team of evil computer geniuses... programmed to help The JokerTM hack his way into the biggest and best computers in Gotham... but was almost completely destroyed by the Wayne Anti-Virus Security SystemTM.

 

Virtual JokerTM offers J-ManTM a deal - if helps to rebuild Virtual JokerTM, Virtual JokerTM will help J-ManTM take control Gotham's computers. And if J-ManTM controls Gotham's computers, he rules Gotham City.
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I can already hear you groaning (Joker as a "techie"?), so I won't subject you to much more of this. By the gratuitous use of the trademarked names, it becomes clear right away that they want kids to listen and then buy the other toys in the set so they can "act out" the adventure as they listen. I'm sure of it. I assume they thought this would qualify as an "interactive adventure".

 

But just to show how amusing this little adventure is (because it's so bad), allow me to share some of my "favorite" moments, which, if anything, are laughable. Bear in mind, these are quotes are verbatim. As Dave Barry says, I am not making this stuff up.

 

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Meanwhile, in the BatcaveTM, Bruce WayneTM and Terry McGinnisTM are using the powerful BatcomputerTM to surf the 'net, searching for any crimes.

 

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