Happy Independence Day!

**Craig Marinaro** · 07-04-2001, 11:50 AM

Hope everybody has a great 4th! It's rather overcast-looking out here...but hopefully it'll lighten up before tonight.

In the meantime, try to reflect on the brilliance and dumb luck that led our forefathers to found this grand ol' nation! And try to eat some rock candy. Rock candy is good!

-Craig

**Sharklady** · 07-04-2001, 12:03 PM

I'll do my best to enjoy the day, and hope the rainstorms clear out by evening.

If the worst happens, at least I've got my smuggled Florida fireworks to fall back on.

**The Mad Hatter** · 07-04-2001, 01:48 PM

I'm actually working today. I've got an entire section I'm in charge of that comes out once a month, and I got so behind on it (lots of news going on last week) that I'm playing catch-up today.

**Danielle** · 07-04-2001, 02:28 PM

I'm #36 in the top posters. 36 is my unlucky number. I bet I'll get married when I turn 36.

Re: "Unlikely" cloudy weather

Well, you know what they say ('they' referring to my "brilliant" cousins whose I.Q.s are in negative numbers): "Cloudy in the morning, bright in the evening." Strange; I don't recall that ever happening.

Re: Independence Day

Uh.......Happy Independence Day?
Give me a break, my brain is muddled enough.

**E. Penrose** · 07-04-2001, 09:02 PM

Hope for peace here and abroad.

E. Penrose

**Anthonynotes** · 07-04-2001, 09:46 PM

I've spent the entire day working; apparently my dept. store I work at doesn't know the meaning of the word "holiday" (though they did offer time-and-a-half...$9/hr vs. the usual $6). Having a zillion Lions Club conventioneers from other countries swarming the place for cheap-to-buy American goods didn't help...

Though it might rain tonight, the downtown fireworks show is going off as planned...and I'll be staying right here inside, avoiding bugs/humidity/stupid teenagers wielding M-80's/whatnot. Haven't been too into fireworks since I was a kid... :-)

-B.

**Narfpinky** · 07-05-2001, 12:13 AM

Three cheers for the RED WHITE and BLUE!

Happy fourth of July everyone! Egad! What a warm yummy sunny day we all had here to celabrate our America's birthday.

And a clear night to go with it, too, NARF!

Narfpinky

**Danielle** · 07-05-2001, 12:48 AM

Originally posted by Narfpinky
And a clear night to go with it, too, NARF!

Maybe for you. Here, it's still cloudy.

Let's see....fireworks are going off above my head. (yeah, I'm working with a laptop, though it's hard when you have to keep covering your ears) This is a really good time to reflect on my accomplishments this year.

Okay. I'm done.

This has been an exclusive Fourth of July Useless Post.

**Narfpinky** · 07-05-2001, 12:53 AM

Well good for you, Danielle! That's a lot more than what I've accomplished in three years, NARF!.

This has been an exclusive Fourth of July Useless Reply.

**don Jaime** · 07-05-2001, 01:00 AM

Nice and clear, no rain here! Could see the fireworks from my house. Pretty good. Good 'n' pretty.

Happy Independence Day!

**Danielle** · 07-05-2001, 01:13 AM

Originally posted by Narfpinky
Well good for you, Danielle! That's a lot more than what I've accomplished in three years, NARF!.

Really? I only accomplished 28 empty lines.

What did I do the 4th of July, if not look at those darn fireworkers that go on for about 20 minutes? (yeah, they're still on!) I read through the archives of the old board and wonder if some other people decide to put up useless posts.

**robert** · 07-05-2001, 09:35 AM

It was a dark and stormy night....5 minutes after the whole thing ended that is. So what'd I do? Well first I took in a movie, Spielburg and Kubrick's A.I, and _then_ I stayed home and just watched the fireworks here in Philly, the only town that had Mel Gibson, Michael Douglas, Kevin Spacey, Edward Norton, Kathy Bates, Benicio del Toro, and Morgan Freeman around to read the Declaration of Independence. Can't beat that very often.

Happy 5'th of July again!
Rob

**Craig Marinaro** · 07-05-2001, 08:02 PM

Danielle mourns:

Really? I only accomplished 28 empty lines.

*gasp*! It sounds like someone is depressed about their accomplishments in life! Looks like it's time for...

*IT'S A PRETTY GOOD LIFE!*

This out-of-season Internet spectacular brought to you by Romey's Fresh Fish Market (try our Romelicious Red Herring!), and by Chubb Insurance Group--the insurance company with the fun-to-say name!

[Open on Brainatra, Narfpinky, Robert, and Hatter, sitting around a table in a dingy-looking corner of the ToonZone Boards, playing cards. All have huge piles of chips surrounding them, except Narfpinky. Narfpinky looks disheveled and has huge rings under his eyes. Danielle and her guardian angel appear, unnoticed by the rest.]

CLARENCE: Danielle...this is what ToonZone would be like if you had never been born!

DANIELLE: It doesn't look all that different...except that soda stain I spilled on the wallpaper is gone. [She glances at the wall, which has the "Toon Zone" logo plastered all over.] Hey, who's that desperate-looking loser over there?

CLARENCE: Why, that's Narfpinky!

DANIELLE: Narfpinky?! The happiest, most popular, lovable guy on all the Boards?

CLARENCE: Oh, he's not happy anymore...

[We cut back to the table, and see Hatter glancing over at Narfpinky.]

HATTER: [Sinisterly.] So, mein freund...have you...got any Kings?

NARFPINKY: Ummm...nope! No Kings! Not a one! I mean, uh...Go Fish! Hee hee heeeee...

HATTER: [Threateningly.] Methinks you lie, mein teilnehmer.

NARFPINKY: No, nooo...oh, alright! I have three Kings! Pleeease, have pity...I'm five grand in the hole just tonight! And I've still got twenty installments left on my new bike, which it was wrecked beyond repair after I'd only made the down payment!

BRAINATRA: [In his usual self-described "monotone" speaking style; not even looking up from his cards.] What about that thousand I lent you just last week?

NARFPINKY: [Pathetically.] I had to spend it on reconstructive surgery after that building fell on me! Plus, I owe Craig a good twenty thou. And you know how ruthless he is when he calls in his debts! [Breaking down into tears.] Oooooh, have a heart...have a heart... [None of them are moved.]

BRAINATRA: Where is Craig, anyhow?

ROBERT: [Sticking his hand inside his shirt, and jumping up on the table, knocking the chips all over. He speaks in a mock French accent.] You know these Hollywood stars! They come and go as they please...thinking they are the greatest! If he had any smartness he would know that greatness comes in small packages...a prime example being yours truly, NAPOLEON!

DANIELLE: [To Clarence.] ...?

CLARENCE: Oh, the Robert of this world lapses randomly into the personalities of various historical figures, as represented on Histeria! The others posters don't generally mind too much...aside from when he went through his "Lady Godiva" phase... [Danielle shudders a bit at this thought.]

HATTER: [To Robert.] Mein chips! Täuschen! You will pay for your impudence...the revolution is nearly at hand! [He pulls a picture of Dubya Shrub out of his pocket, tacks it to the wall, and does a salute.] Heil Bush!

[The door opens, and Craig strolls nonchalantly in. He's wearing a ridiculous-looking smoking robe and sunglasses, he actually looks clean-shaven and well-groomed, and he's holding a martini. He plops down in Robert's vacated chair, and kicks his feet up on the table.]

CRAIG: Heya, Brainatra, Hatter, Robert...other guy! How are you all today? Oh, wait, important things first. You'll all be quite relieved to know that I'm doing fabulous, as usual. Deal me in, Brainatra [Downs the martini.] Hey, uh, you! Guy who owes me twenty G's! [Narfpinky looks up helplessly.] Refresh my drink. Do it quick and I may cut you a hundred or so bucks' worth of slack. [Narfpinky reluctantly takes the glass, and walks over to the bar.]

BRAINATRA: And while you're up, turn on the TV! Maybe Sharklady's on.

[Narfpinky flicks the switch on the tube. We see Sharklady standing on a building rooftop, holding a cheesecake.]

SHARKLADY: [Shouting at the police below.] You'll never take me alive, you hear me?! NEVER!

NEWS ANNOUNCER: ...and although the cult's attempt to bomb the pastry factory that refused to produce their dessert of choice ended in failure, one particular cheesecake fanatic escaped police capture and seems to insist that, although the battle was lost, the war rages on. The woman, who has now been identified as one Jennifer Weston, is poised atop the building that houses the ToonZone Internet site. She is carrying a cheesecake, and claims not to be afraid to use it. When asked what he plans to do about the recent rash of pastry-related terrorist activity in our country, President Bush had this to say... [Cut to Dubya behind a podium.]

DUBYA: Yeah, uh...I'll get around to it! Promise!

HATTER: [Jumping up and saluting.] Heil Bush!

ROBERT: [In Paul Rugg-ish style.] SHUT UP!

[Sharklady suddenly bursts in the door and looks around for a moment.]

SHARKLADY: Hey, guys! Uh...where's Dr. Belch?

BRAINATRA: [Indifferent; still looking at his cards.] Oh, he died last month. Some incident with a burned former girlfriend or something... Say, Hatter, got any eights?

HATTER: Nein!

SHARKLADY: Shoot! I needed someone to hold hostage. Ummm... [Bites her lip and looks around at the crew assembled.] I guess you'll do. [Grabs the hapless Narfpinky, who drops Craig's glass in the process.]

CRAIG: That's another five hundred for that glass, plus sentimental value and tax.

[Sharklady drags him to the window, and shouts to the cops below.]

SHARKLADY: Alright, I've got a hostage! Now, either that factory starts producing some serious quantities of cheesecake, or I'll force-feed this entire cake to what's-his-name here! This particular cheesecake is engineered to feed a full nuclear family every night for a week! No one could eat the entire thing in one sitting and live!

POLICEMAN # 1: Who's her hostage? Can you see?

POLICEMAN # 2: Eh, some nobody. C'mon, let's just go. Season thirteen of Seinfeld starts tonight!

[The police all disperse.]

SHARKLADY: Hey, don't go! No fair! [Turning to the rest of the room.] I'll kill you *ALL*! I'll force you all to eat the cheesecake! There's plenty to go around! [Laughs maniacally.]

CRAIG: Uh, keep it down, doll? We're trying to play cards over here! [Putting four cards down.] Four Aces. I'm out!

BRAINATRA: Wait a minute...how many Aces are in a deck?

CRAIG: Four...

BRAINATRA: Aaand, if you just put down four...

CRAIG: Yes?

BRAINATRA: Which, correct me if I'm wrong...

CRAIG: Oh, I wouldn't think of--

BRAINATRA: Would leave a total of--

CRAIG: Uh-huh...

BRAINATRA: Zero...

CRAIG: Right.

BRAINATRA: Left in the deck.

CRAIG: Correct.

BRAINATRA: Which would make it a physical impossibility for me to be holding...three Aces? [Holds his hand up.]

CRAIG: Er...ah.

BRAINATRA: I...don't...like...it...when...people...cheat. [His eyes light up with fire, and suddenly a strong wind begins to blow around him. He rises from his chair, and fires lightning bolts from his eyes at Craig, who "Yipes!" and ducks behind the bar.]

DANIELLE: Wait...okay, I was following things okay until this Brainatra bit came up. If you would care to explain what exactly...?

CLARENCE: Oh, of course! Without you around, Brainatra was sucked through a transdimensional portal and spent a short time on Earth v. 4.6, during which time he was revamped into a supervillain. But he only undergoes the change when he is angered!

DANIELLE: Ah.

[As Craig cowers behind the bar, Urich, the faithful ToonZone bartender of the last three years, gallantly jumps on top of the bar and stands firm against Brainatra.]

BRAINATRA: Out of my way, foolish mortal!

URICH: Oh, come, Brainatra. After all this time, don't you think better of me than to abandon my stance at such a moment of turmoil? Well, like any good bartender, I'll go down with my bar. You want trouble? [He whips a harpoon out from behind the bar.] Let's dance.

[Urich put up a fine fight, but Brainatra finally gets the better of him, and sends him flying into Sharklady's cheesecake. Just the mere contact with the rich pastry puts him out of his senses, and when he's removed from it, he is in critical condition.]

DANIELLE: [Sobbing.] Oh, Urich! Urich! I knew him so well...

CLARENCE: You see? All this has happened because you were not there to type those twenty-eight blank lines.

ROBERT: [A la Grouch Marx.] Since this seems as absoid a time as any, I'll tell you all about my Manifesto...

HATTER: Aaah! Leftist! Prepare for death! [Attacks Robert.]

[Meanwhile, Brainatra continues zapping at Craig, who tries to dodge the bolts while simultaneously keeping his newly-obtained drink from spilling. Sharklady is brandishing her cake menacingly at anyone who'll look her way, as Narfpinky tries to slink off. Dr. Belch climbs in the window.]

BELCH: Think you can get away with not including me in your little alternate-world skit-thingee, do you? Write me off as dead, huh? Well, I'll show you! I've got a whole arsenal of gross-out smilies, and they'll devour you all!

[Utter chaos descends on the room, as everyone fights everyone, and Danielle looks on in horror. The door suddenly swings open, and in strolls Romey, carrying two suitcases and wearing an "I went to Italy on a budget, and all I bought myself was this lousy t-shirt!" shirt.]

ROMEY: Hey, y'all! Did I miss anything exciting?

BRAINATRA: Hey, it's Romey!

BELCH: Let's get him!

[Brainatra, Sharklady, Robert, Hatter, and Belch all attack the shocked-looking Romey. Craig shrugs as if to say, "Everybody else is doing it," and joins in. Narfpinky decides he's had about enough of this and simply walks out the door.]

CLARENCE: Now you know how important those twenty-eight blank lines were to the world. In fact, you'll never do anything in your life that has nearly as much of an impact ever again! But if you ever doubt your own self-worth...think merely of this reality that you have seen... [He fades away, and everything else fades back to the Real World. We see Brainatra, Narfpinky, Robert, Craig, and Hatter all sitting around the same card table, looking their usual selves. Urich is behind the bar, and there is a soda stain on the wall.]

ROBERT: [To Craig.] Got any threes?

CRAIG: Go fish. [To Brainatra.] Got any threes?

BRAINATRA: Go fish. [To Hatter.] Got any threes?

[Narfpinky shrugs. Danielle looks for another moment, then turns away.]

DANIELLE: Actually, that other world was a lot more fun. Clarence! Take me back, Clarence! I'm bored! Clarence! Awww...

---

-C
Feeling all gushy inside, now.

**Danielle** · 07-05-2001, 08:49 PM

{long pause}

**Danielle** · 07-05-2001, 08:50 PM

Um...okay.

**Danielle** · 07-05-2001, 08:51 PM

{'nother long pause}

**The Mad Hatter** · 07-05-2001, 08:52 PM

Oh.... laughing.... too... hard.... can't.... breathe.... (passes out)

(comes to)

Dear lord, that was too funny. I know you would probably have written that even if nobody would read it, but I sure enjoyed the heck out of that.

So I was an SS officer, eh? I can't say that I have any germanic conqueror blood in me, though I think a Norman ancestor of mine or two did kick some Anglo-Saxon butt during the battle of Hastings. Nowadays my conquesting urges are dormant, aside from the occasional conquest of a bag of Doritos.

**Danielle** · 07-05-2001, 08:55 PM

You do know that Clarence died 6 years ago, right? His replacement was a little guy named Francis. He's awfully lazy...

And, um, I don't know who Urich is. And if I did....SHAME ON YOU! I CAN'T GO INTO A BAR, I'M UNDERAGE!

Also, if I were gone, you wouldn't have anyone to get jealous over.