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  1. #91
    LDEJRuff's Avatar
    LDEJRuff is offline I'll be back...
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    "Christmas Guy"
    Vinny: Hey. Whose leg do you gotta gagoosh to get an amaretto disaronno around here?

    (later in the ep)

    Vinny: Georgette, I'm coming home.
    Stewie: Who the hell is Georgette?

    I'd like to know, too. Anyways, that's a good "stage left exit" line.

    Happy 15th, Family Guy


  2. #92
    Dr. Daedalus is offline I presume
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    Peter's Two Dads

    (Lois and Peter are unsure of how old Meg is)
    Lois: So, Meg, your birthday's coming up, huh? You excited about turning....... uh?
    Peter: Meg, I got sixteen candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound?
    Meg: That's not right.
    Peter: So... less...? More...? Too many...? Not enough?
    Meg: You stupid son of a b**ch! You didn't even know how old I am!
    Lois: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age. Or is it?
    Meg: I'm gonna be 17, you jerks! (storms out)
    Peter: She's the jerk.

    ^ Love how tentative Peter and Lois are in this scene.

    Eight Simple Rules For Buying My Teenage Daughter

    Meg: You can't sell me, you fat son of a b**ch!

    ^ Meg is always funnier when she talks back to her parents. Always.

    Petergeist

    (Peter has a cursed skull)
    Lois: Peter... are you peeing in that skull?
    Peter: Oh NO, Lois, I'm goin' ALL the way to the bathroom and doin' it there. (under breath) Pain in the ass...

    European Road Show

    Peter: I'm packing for KISS-stock and I can't find my favorite underwear.
    Lois: You mean the pair with the rip in the right buttcheek from when you stepped on them pulling them up in that airplane bathroom from when you had the trots?
    Peter: No, the pair with the hole in the left buttcheek from when I held it in for two hours 'cause it was that extra long Palm Sunday church sermon and blowing gas would offend Jesus, so I let it go in the vestibule after mass, and it sounded like Louis Armstrong?
    Lois: Oh, bottom drawer.

    ^ They're so in sync!

  3. #93
    Dr. Daedalus is offline I presume
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    Death Has a Shadow

    (when Peter's at the stag party)
    Peter: I feel kinda bad, you guys; I promised my wife I wouldn't drink.
    Quagmire: Aw, don't feel bad, Peter.
    Peter: Gee, I never thought of it like that!

  4. #94
    Dr. Daedalus is offline I presume
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    The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire

    (after a Bewitched parody on TV)
    Cleveland: I hate Bewitched! (flips the couch)
    Stewie: Hey, so that's a pretty reasonable reaction, huh?

    ^ Made funnier because Stewie isn't on camera.

    Lethal Weapons

    Peter: Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you: Very homosexually.

    Model Misbehavior

    Lois: Peter, I got a wax job, and let's just say you're cleared for a landing!
    Quagmire: (from outside) Giggity!

    ^ Again, funny because Quagmire's not in the shot.

    Also, the cutaway when Peter announces to the neighborhood that Meg got her first period:

    Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot and I'll deal with it in the morning, but right now I'm exhausted!

    8 Simple Rules For Buying My Teenage Daughter

    (to Liddane's boyfriend)
    Stewie: I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your Hacky Sack tourney! I'm not gonna lie down for some frat-boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitched crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night! Yes, we all love Mr. Plow. You've got the song memorized, do you? So does everyone else! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1:00 in the morning. The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder.
    Liddane: Good night, Stewie.
    Stewie: If he wants to throw hands, I'll throw hands.

    ^ Variant of crying baby.

    Breaking Out is Hard to Do

    Judge: (to Lois) I sentence you to two years in the State Prison.
    Peter: Man, that is bogus.
    Judge: Order in the court! Another outburst like that, Mr. Griffin, and I'll extend the sentence.
    (Peter sneezes)
    Judge: Okay, three years.
    Peter: That was a sneeze.
    Judge: Four years.
    Peter: I'm sorry!
    Judge: Five years.
    Peter: You d**chebag.
    Judge: All right, three years it is.

    ^ LOL, why would he revert after an insult?

  5. #95
    Dr. Daedalus is offline I presume
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    Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington

    (the cigarette companies are fined $100 million)
    Tobacco employee: But that'll bankrupt us!
    Peter: Oh, you mean like the way you morally bankrupted America? (audience laughs) Thanks for that zinger, fellas. Now gimme a snappy line to go out on.
    Writer: Actually, our lunch is here.
    (the two writers leave)
    Peter: Uh........... well, that's my mama! Hehehehehehehe.... (silence from crowd)

    Friends of Peter G

    Peter: (drunk) Hey, hey, CatDog, right? You're a CatDog. Hey, CatDog! CatDog! (sings theme song) Hey, where's, you know, where's all the poop go when the cat, when the, in a, in a CatDog? When the cat poops, what, does it come out of the dog's mouth? And And vice versa?

    ^ This made me laugh HARD the first time I watched it. And it's funny 'cause I've wondered the same thing.

  6. #96
    Dr. Daedalus is offline I presume
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    Brian Sings and Swings

    Mr. Berler: Today I'm going to show you this fascinating episode of Nova that I taped at home for you.
    (Nova starts, but is taped over with home video footage)
    Mrs. Berler: Are you coming back to bed, Rob?
    Mr. Berler; In a minute, honey. My jaw keeps locking up.
    (he shuts the tape off)
    Mr. Berler: Well, that's not Nova at all, is it? That's a sex tape I made with my wife. Of course, nobody here is interested in seeing that. Are they? Probably not. No. OK. You kind of looked like you were nodding. No? OK. OK, we should get back to work. (moments later...) Now open your books to page- I'm sorry. Can I just show this video of me doing my wife?

    ^ Guy's determined.

    The Father, the Son, and the Holy Fonz

    Peter: And here I was thinking I was making a difference. I thought I was connecting with people. Could there be anyone stupider than me?
    Brian: Madonna?
    Peter: Oh yeah. She's pretty stupid. That's something we can agree on.
    Brian: Absolutely. Francis?
    Francis: Oh, major idiot. Major idiot.
    Brian: Yeah. Gosh! I guess we do have some common ground here after all, huh?
    Peter: Yeah. And "La Isla Bonita", not a real place. I looked it up, bought a globe, couldn't find it.
    Brian: That makes her a liar too.
    Francis: She's awful!
    Peter: Awful, awful woman.
    Brian: I agree, yeah.
    Francis: And she's a whore.
    Brian: Yeah, big time.
    Peter: Oh, everybody. Canseco? Eww.
    Brian: Dennis Rodman.
    Peter: Dennis Rodman. Yeah.
    Francis: Rodman? My God!
    Peter: I think he lost all his money, didn't he?
    Brian: Rodman? Are you sure you're not thinking MC Hammer?
    Peter: No, no Well, him too. I read somewhere. I think it was in, like, Stuff or so- No, you know what it was? It was on Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel. And they said that he's in the poorhouse now. Yeah.
    Francis: You think she'd do him now?
    Peter: Would Madonna do Rodman now? Yeah. 'Cause it's not the money, it's about pissing off daddy.
    Brian: She's got a lot of problems.
    Francis: Lot of problems.
    Peter: Yeah, we are smarter. We are smarter than Madonna.
    Francis: No question.
    Peter: Well, I should probably get out of these robes.

    ^ One of the few celeb-bashing jokes I like, mainly because it feels like a real conversation. Plus it happens after the main plot is resolved so it doesn't feel like it's slowing down the story.

    Fast Times at Buddy Cianci High

    Lois: What's this? You know, Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's pockets. She's more respectfuI than that.
    Stewie: Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, b**ch.

    ^ Ouch.

    You May Now Kiss the, Uh, Guy Who Receives

    Peter: By the way Lois, I got a piercing over there. I'm not going to tell you where but I will give you a hint: It wasn't on my nose or my ear, and it was one of my balls.

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