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  1. #491
    ShadowBlinky's Avatar
    ShadowBlinky is offline I will always hate you
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    Milhouse: Bart, my mom won't let me be your friend anymore. That's why you couldn't come to the party.
    Bart: What's she got against me?
    Milhouse: She says you're a bad influence.
    Bart
    : [Slamming his hand on the table] Bad influence, my a**! How many times have I told you? Never listen to your mother!

    Way to prove her wrong, Bart.

  2. #492
    Dr. Daedalus is offline I presume
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    ^ There are actually two versions of that scene, one which replaced "ass" with "butt". Personally, I think the "ass" version is funnier and drives the point home better.

    Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming

    Wiggum: Where's the guy that eats people's faces?
    Guy: I'm right here, chief!
    Wiggum: Oh. Then where's Sideshow Bob?
    Guy 2: Uh, he ran off.
    Wiggum: Oh GREAT. Well, if anyone asks, I beat him to death, okay?

    ^ So in order to avoid looking incompetent, he would rather look like a power abuser. Worst cop ever.

    Jaws Wired Shut

    (a word jumble, "MOT HANKS", appears on the theater screen)
    Lisa: These are so easy. It's obviously Tom Hanks.
    (the word is unscrambled and isn't Tom Hanks, but Otm Shank)
    Lisa: Who?
    Apu: Otm Shank. He is India's answer to Brian Dennehy.

  3. #493
    Dr. Daedalus is offline I presume
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    Homer Defined

    Three great jokes in a row:

    Marge: How are you enjoying your ham, Homey?
    Homer: (sullen) Tastes so bitter, it's like ashes in my mouth.
    Marge: Hmm... it's more of a honey glaze.
    Homer: What's your problem, boy?
    Bart: I had a fight with Milhouse.
    Homer: That four-eyes with the goofy nose? You don't need friends like that.
    Lisa: How zen.
    (later, Homer's watching TV while Lisa stares at him)
    Homer: What???..... What is it? What are you doing?
    Lisa: Looking at you with quiet awe.
    Homer: Well, as long as it's quiet.


    Homer the Vigilante

    Homer: No burning leaves without a permit!
    (Homer's posse stomps his leaves)
    Man: I got one!
    Homer: Too late!

    And, Jimbo spraying graffiti:

    Homer: You better have a good reason for doing that, boy.
    Jimbo: It makes me feel like a big man.
    Homer: ...Let me check my reason list. Yep, it's on there!

    Sunday, Cruddy Sunday

    Football player: I'm goin' to Disneyland!
    Wally: Really? 'Cause I'm a travel agent, and I've heard nothing but bad things.

    ^ Good thing Disney isn't a sponsor of the show.

    Make Room For Lisa

    Hibbert: Well, I could prescribe some harsh antacids but I think Lisa would benefit more from some herbal teas or aromatherapy.
    Lisa: Yeah. You know, some of that all-natural stuff is really very well-
    Homer: Oh, no, you don't! Screw that touchy, queer-y crap! We'll take the harsh antacids! Nothing's too good for my little girl.

    Bart Gets an Elephant

    (Marge tells Homer to throw out the old calendars and TV Guides)
    Homer: And these TV Guides? So many memories...
    (thought cloud)
    Carter: PY-LE!
    Gomer Pyle: Shazam!
    Carter: PY-LE!
    Gomer Pyle: Shazam!
    Carter: PY-LE!
    Gomer Pyle: Shazam!
    (thought cloud disappears)
    Homer: I'll never forget THAT episode.

    Viva Ned Flanders

    (a videotape of Homer and Ned's wedding to the floozies is shown)
    Flanders: (drunk) I okily-dokily-schmokily do!
    "Priest": And do you, Homer, take this cocktail waitress you just met to be your wife?
    Homer: (also drunk) What'd you call me?!
    "Priest": Sigh. Do you want to get married? MARRIED?
    Homer: Suuure. Sock it to me, baby.

  4. #494
    ShadowBlinky's Avatar
    ShadowBlinky is offline I will always hate you
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    Lisa: Oh, my God! These are the answers to the test. I don't wanna cheat.
    Nelson: Hey, hey! These are study aids. They're for novelty purposes only. If a few bad apples use them for cheating, I can't be held responsible.
    Lisa: Forget it, I'd rather get a zero.
    Groundskeeper Willy (with hand down toilet): Good fer you lass, I got me a zero once and ma' life turned out just fine. Och, woa-ho, that's a nasty clog. Ooooo ye've got yourself a partner have ye?
    Lisa (to Nelson): Keep the change.
    Groundskeeper Willy: Come here ye slippery rascals!



    I almost don't blame Lisa here. ALMOST.

  5. #495
    Dr. Daedalus is offline I presume
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    Quote Originally Posted by ShadowBlinky View Post
    Lisa: Oh, my God! These are the answers to the test. I don't wanna cheat.
    Nelson: Hey, hey! These are study aids. They're for novelty purposes only. If a few bad apples use them for cheating, I can't be held responsible.
    Lisa: Forget it, I'd rather get a zero.
    Groundskeeper Willy (with hand down toilet): Good fer you lass, I got me a zero once and ma' life turned out just fine. Och, woa-ho, that's a nasty clog. Ooooo ye've got yourself a partner have ye?
    Lisa (to Nelson): Keep the change.
    Groundskeeper Willy: Come here ye slippery rascals!



    I almost don't blame Lisa here. ALMOST.
    Bart: Aww, cheer up, Lis'. You got a good grade without even reading the book. That's win-win!
    Lisa: Can't you see the difference between earning something honestly and getting it by fraud?
    Bart: Hmm, I suppose, maybe, if, uh ... no. No, sorry, I thought I had it there for a second.

  6. #496
    ShadowBlinky's Avatar
    ShadowBlinky is offline I will always hate you
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    Marge: Maybe we should split up.
    Homer: Split up? Marge, no, we can fix this marriage!
    Marge: No, no, I didn't mean--
    Homer: Fine, you want out? Then go, I can make it on my own! Before I met you, I had friends and dreams!
    Marge: I was talking about--
    Homer: Oh, please take me back! (sobbing) The dating scene is a nightmare! I'm begging you!
    Marge: I just meant we should split up to get out of this corn maze.
    Homer: Deep down, I-- I guess I knew that.
    Marge: Now, there must be a way out.
    Homer: Of our marriage? I don't want to live! (runs off screaming)
    Marge: (grumbles)
    Homer: (offscreen) Hey, this maze is made of corn.

    Smithers: Now pair off as I draw your names. Lenny and... Carl.
    Carl: Aw nuts! I mean, um... Aw nuts.

    Louise Belcher is right. There ARE exceptions to the honesty policy.

    Marge: Lisa, can't you let your brother back on the team? Fly balls and fungoes come and go, but family is forever.
    Homer: Sorry Marge, I got to call bullcrap on that. The '69 Mets will live on forever, but do you think anyone cares about Ron Swoboda's wife and kids? Not me, and, I assume, not Ron Swoboda!
    Marge: What about Bart's feelings?
    Homer: Boys don't have feelings. They have muscles.
    Marge: Why do you say such ridiculous things?
    Homer: They sound good in my brain, then my tongue makes not the words sound very good, formally.

  7. #497
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    ShadowBlinky is offline I will always hate you
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    Principal Skinner: Well, maybe it was for the best. Now I finally have time to do what I've always wanted - write the great American novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park, where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it Billy and the Cloneasaurus.
    Apu: Oh, you have got to be kidding, Sir! First, you think of an idea that has already been done. And then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through... [minutes pass] ...it was on the best-seller list for eighteen months! Every magazine cover has... [yet another few minutes pass] ...POPULAR MOVIES OF ALL TIME, SIR! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!? [pauses, then calms down] I mean thank you, come again.

    Yes, Skinner. What WERE you thinking?

  8. #498
    Dr. Daedalus is offline I presume
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    Homer vs. Patty and Selma

    Bart: Behold, the masked dancer is me, Bart! (removes mask) It is I who have won your acclaim.
    Jimbo: Bart's does ballet!
    Kearney: He dances like girls!
    Bart: Go ahead and laugh. I took a chance and did what I wanted to do. And if that makes me a sissy, well, then, I guess I'm a sissy.
    Jimbo: He's a sissy! Let's rush him!

    ^ LOL. Where are the teachers?!

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