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Untitled - A short story

Discussion in 'Story Board Workshops' started by Dr. OneWay, Jul 19, 2006.

  1. Dr. OneWay

    Dr. OneWay Formely known as Catdogfan

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    Ok, so this is my first story that I have truly sat down and wrote . . . all the other ones were one time things, and they didn't last more than a week. Hopefully by the end of the summer I will have the rest of it done.

    **This is the beginning of the story, but pieces may be moved around some time or another. It's considered just a fragment right now. Hope you like!**




    UNTITLED


    She crawled through the vent shaft, away from her demon-self, away from her sorrows. She screamed in agony, pounded the sides of the vent with her fists, fighting away her inner spirits. Her blood gushed out, squirting all over the vent shaft.
    "Huh?!" A man was sitting at his office desk, bewildered by the screaming that seemed to come from above. The screaming suddenly ceased. A breeze of cool air came through the room, and the man shivered. He sat down in his desk chair, and folded his arms across his chest. He eyed the stack of papers on his desk. A tiny drop of red liquid was on the first paper, and as he looked closer, it seemed to be burning through each page. He looked up, and his gaze met with two bright yellow eyes, eyeing him closely. "What the . . . !" The vent dropped down and hit him in the face. The figure towered over him, and swiftly bent down and bit him in the neck. Fangs dug into his skin as he was being dragged, blood dripping from him.
    "This is only payback, dear!"

    Maria pressed the "down" button on the elevator, hoping to avoid the rush hour traffic outside of her office building. The elevator made a "bing" noise as it landed on the 60th floor, and she stepped into it. Another woman was standing next to her, smiling.
    "Which floor are you going too?" Maria asked pleasantly.
    "Oh, any one is fine," The woman responded. Maria looked confused, but pressed the floor 1 button. Maria leaned back and closed her eyes, sighing. Suddenly, she felt ice cold hands clasped around her neck, and she heard her neck snap out of place, making a horrible sound. She feel to the ground. The elevator stopped on floor 1, and the woman stepped out of the elevator, wiping blood off of her face with the back of her hand. The elevator was empty as the heavy metal doors closed behind her.
     
  2. SilverKnight

    SilverKnight Sigh.

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    It's...rushed. Half-demon selves, what? You need to ease people into these things, or if you're trying to go for mystery, you need to 'hook' a reader with a tidbit of information that piques their interest. Plopping down 85% of your exposition within the first paragraph of a story is a bad idea. Still, I'm somewhat curious to see where it's going, if only to figure out what's going on.

    Oh, and please don't bump/necropost. It's a no-no.
     
  3. Dr. OneWay

    Dr. OneWay Formely known as Catdogfan

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    Oh, sorry for the bump :eek: .

    As for the story, its not close to being finished, and that could be in another part of my story. I plan on switching things around once I get more done. Thanks for the suggestion, I will try to expand and not let everything out at once. :)
     
  4. The Guitar Slayer

    The Guitar Slayer 1965 to Eternity

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    Since it's not fully fleshed out and still under internal construction, I'm just going to pop this over to the Workshop.
     
  5. Sonics020

    Sonics020 Member

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    You use such simple words to start statements like A, The, He and basically every sentence starts with one of those words. Try using different words to sart sentences.
     
  6. Dr. OneWay

    Dr. OneWay Formely known as Catdogfan

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    Alright, thanks for the tip! :) But the first few lines are supposed to be repeating "she". That was on purpose.
     
  7. Hanshotfirst1138

    Hanshotfirst1138 Singing drunken lullabies

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    Necropost?
     

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