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The Disney Adventures Archive, Part 3: Revenge of the Spacklers

Discussion in 'Platypus Comix' started by J. B. Warner, Feb 1, 2010.

  1. J. B. Warner

    J. B. Warner Increasing my wordiness

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    All power to the engines, Warp Factor 7, and...engage. It's time for April 1993!

    This is one of those "iconic" DA covers. Though "Star Trek: The Next Generation" was in its next-to-last season at this point; I don't know why they waited until now to do a cover story on it.

    As demonstrated here, candy is the essential cornerstone of all human mating rituals.

    "What can I do if I'm worried about the rainforest?" Well, you could go on and on about how something needs to be done and then continue to not do anything. That's what everyone else does.
    This month's Slang Patrol sounds like it came from a Frankie Avalon movie. Get ready for the bettys 'cause the bettys are ready for you.

    Coming soon to theaters: three movies nobody will remember in 17 years!
    I find it surprising that Disney still re-released their old animated movies theatrically in the '90s. You'd think that practice would have ended after the advent of home video, but no - I distinctly remember the 1993 re-release of Pinocchio. Burger King had inflatable beach toys based on the movie. I got a blow-up Monstro. Yep.

    Off we go to where no fan has gone before. I used to think a life in TV was glamorous, until I started reading articles like this and discovered what mind-numbing work it really is. "Scene 1, take 24..."

    Despite Patrick Stewart getting the cover, the interview goes to LeVar Burton, who's very verbose about everything. Years of hosting "Reading Rainbow" will do wonders for your vocabulary, I guess.

    Here's a handy fashion guide detailing all the latest looks. Those of you who are too young to remember the '90s may scratch your head at this stuff, and you have every right to. The '90s were all about comfort, not style, so it didn't matter how ugly your flannel shirt looked or how baggy your jeans were. Though personally, I'd still take the grunge look over this decade's hipster movement any day.

    It's April, so naturally, DA is quick with the April Fools' jokes. This "Goof Troop" comic is filled with over a hundred intentional mistakes, and if you found every single one, you could win a contest. I can tell that they had fun drawing this one.

    The Big Adventure this month is all about the oceans of the world and the wonders they contain. Like these weird fish, for example. Say, clownfish are pretty cool - they should make a movie about 'em!

    And while the sea may be fascinating, here's a quick little reminder that it will murder you if it gets the chance.

    Then there's this article on the DA Orienteering Team. I'm not entirely sure what orienteering is - as far as I can tell, it's basically "capture the flag" on the scale of a national forest.

    Here's the first of many Lego ads that form an ongoing saga throughout the 1993 issues. I never read these things. I still don't, actually.

    Joe Rocket: the thrilling exploits of smart people with nothing to do.

    I will say this, though, between the Big Adventures and Joe Rocket and Weird Yet True, these '90s issues are incredibly informative, and that's what I love about them. You can learn more from just one issue than you'd likely learn from a day in school. Unfortunately, it's all the interesting educational stuff that got dumped as the years went on, which is what makes the '00s issues so annoying.

    Splash Mountain was new in 1993? Huh, for an attraction based on Song of the South, I would have guessed it had been around since at least the '60s.
    One of these days, I'm going to go back to Disney World, I swear. I haven't been since 1995 - things have changed quite a lot since then.

    Part two of a rather boring "Dinosaurs" comic is in this issue. Robbie is running for class president and his opponent is the popular kid whom everyone loves (gosh, never heard this plot before). Of course, to make this a little more prehistoric, the catch is that if Robbie doesn't throw the election, the opponent's dad will eat Earl. I understand this is how Richard Nixon got into office.
    At one point, the opposing party kidnaps Baby Sinclair. How does that go?

    About as well as you'd think.

    Then there's the first half of a two-part "Darkwing Duck" story in which Darkwing is invited to join the Super Power Union and rudely declines. As a result, Mr. Wonderful here (that's really his name) starts foiling more crimes than Darkwing and becomes a media star. But what's the twist?

    DUN-DUN-DUNNNNN!

    You know, it always bugs me when I see Looney Tunes promotional art that depicts Taz spinning like this, where the top half of his body is stationary and the bottom half is encased in a tornado. How does that even work?

    The Cryptkeeper was scary enough as it is. Then Anna Nicole Smith had to go and marry him.

    The back cover has a rather complicated M&M's maze. Looks like this issue's previous owner had a bit of trouble completing it.
     
  2. Peter Paltridge

    Peter Paltridge Knows about rock people
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    They used to run candy ads targeting teens all the time. I guess they don't eat as much candy anymore.

    In part 2 of the Darkwing story, somebody appears called "Ulti-Man" (still a duck) and everybody knows who he is but won't specifically identify his position. He's some big important guy....but I never saw him before or afterward in the comics, and never on the show. Where'd he come from??

    That fashion article dared to use the word "groovy" at one point. That was the only thing that really stood out to me. "Oops--we forgot we're writing to 90's children for a second."

    Splash Mountain opened in 1989, and Disney was less shy about Song of the South back then. I had a Book and Tape based on the Tar Baby story.

    The Goof Troop comic was great.
     
  3. TenPoundHammer

    TenPoundHammer Wanna be on Wheel of Fortune

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    I remember the Goof Troop comic. Someone brought that issue into church and let me read it. I think that was the only part of it that I read. The title card said "Foog Troop," didn't it?
     
  4. Kitschensyngk

    Kitschensyngk Worse than one of those little blue crunchy things

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    Either that, or the soccer moms of America would rather have railroad spikes driven into their nostrils than let their kids come into contact with sugar, so they pressure the junk food companies to stop advertising to them.

    I remember watching The Adventures of Huck Finn. I remember liking it, too.

    I've looked up "orienteering". It's a cross-country race where they give you a map and compass and have you plot your own course. The article mentions that the flags are checkpoints.
     
  5. TServo2049

    TServo2049 THE WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE

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    Hey, could someone possibly scan the full comics from these issues? Especially the 1990-1996 ones, I'd really love to see those again.

    And TenPoundHammer, whenever I try to look at your images, I get a Photobucket "bandwidth exceeded" error...
     
    #165 TServo2049, Oct 1, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 1, 2010
  6. DarthGonzo

    DarthGonzo Fourteen Years!

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    One of you guys really needs to scan and all of these "Disney Afternoon" comics and collect them here in their entirety. I mean that.
     
  7. dlmx-13

    dlmx-13 Member

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    I heard the DA Darkwing Duck comics are all being reprinted in trade paperback form (as the new comic series has sold fairly well).
     
  8. Peter Paltridge

    Peter Paltridge Knows about rock people
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    I want to believe you, but....legit link, please?
     
  9. John Pannozzi

    John Pannozzi Still Gritty after all these years

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    Here ya go.

    EDIT: By my count, the total page count of all DWD comics (pre-Boom Studios, at least) is 849 (though this admittedly includes a few stories never published in the USA which may or may not be included), so if all volumes of DWD Classics are about 160 pages long, it could theoretically go up to as many as 5 or 6 volumes.
     
    #169 John Pannozzi, Oct 3, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 3, 2010
  10. Dr.Pepper

    Dr.Pepper Well-Known Member

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    I have been lurking in the bushes around here, but I do love these old Disney Adventures magazines. It is like a blast from the past. Anyways I noticed that in the April 1993 issue had a picture of Marsupalami (probably not spelled right) drawn by a kid named Scott Underwood. I seriously wonder if that is the same Scott Underwood that worked on Ed Edd n Eddy.
     
  11. Zorak Masaki

    Zorak Masaki Active Member

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    They had trading cards (aimed at kids) based on Tales from the Crypt? That was on late night HBO for a REASON. It would be like making a lego set based on watchmen , or (kid-sized) Superjail Halloween costumes. Of course, this was back when the trading card business was all about speculation so i doubt that most people even opened the packs ("its more valuable that way").
     
  12. Peter Paltridge

    Peter Paltridge Knows about rock people
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    A real collection of DA comics? I.....never thought I would see this day. *sniff*

    That cover looks a LOT like the Darkwing "Cartoon Tales" book Disney Comics put out in 1992, though. The one adapting Just Us Justice Ducks.

    http://www.comics.org/series/34204/
    .....wait, that IS the same cover. I've got a feeling we're looking at a placeholder. Either that or this is the laziest thing I've seen in a while.
     
  13. TenPoundHammer

    TenPoundHammer Wanna be on Wheel of Fortune

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    Blargh. Quit looking at my images, darn it! :D
     
  14. Dynamite XI

    Dynamite XI Whoa, where have I been?

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    Hm, I still need to upload some from my collection; the few times that I did it were so much fun. Tomorrow I'll do an archive binge (or I'll re-read the list of posted issues) and figure out which one I'll post.

    Problem is, I'm just so darn busy nowadays.
     
  15. J. B. Warner

    J. B. Warner Increasing my wordiness

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    My girlfriend and I were poring over my Disney Adventures collection yesterday, and it finally gave me the necessary motivation to end this dry spell and start making articles again! Let's pick up right where I left off with January 1998!

    Kudos to the art department for creating one of the coolest covers yet.

    In case you never saw this, let's just say there's a reason it wasn't included in any retrospectives of the late Leslie Nielsen's best work.

    Aah! Flashbacks! My sister was on a humongous Spice Girls kick from 1996 to 1998, so I ended up being dragged along with her to see this atrocity in theaters. A Hard Day's Night it ain't. And really, it's not a good sign when you have to put a vocabulary list right in the poster just so the audience will know what the hell your "actors" are saying.

    Am I the only one who just 'fessed up whenever I didn't have my homework? Seriously. But hey, at least the "neighbor's car" excuse sounds plausible. I actually did leave my backpack in someone's car once and couldn't get it back for three days. Classes were a breeze that week...

    Wow. They didn't even try, did they?

    Ah, Ticket, what wealth of entertainment irrelevance bring you me from the depths of the past? Let's see, Nicholas Cage is starring in Tim Burton's Superman? BZZZT! Try again!
    Has Brendan Fraser ever been in a good movie, aside from The Mummy? In addition to these, there's also Dudley Do-Right, Looney Tunes: Back in Action, Journey to the Center of the Earth...how does this guy pick his scripts, with a dart and a blindfold?
    By the way, I saw For Richer Or Poorer. Holy crap, it's totally not a kids' movie.

    And now that I think of it, the James Bond movies aren't really kid-friendly either, are they? But you know, maybe they were just desperate for an article - this is a January issue, and January has always been a pretty crappy month for movie releases. I know they sure as hell weren't gonna do a cover story on Star Kid.

    "The REAL Hercules! Don't be fooled by that cheap knockoff from Disney!"

    OH, NOOOO! John Hughes made a third Home Alone movie!
    But really, it's not all bad. Somewhere, I'm sure Alex D. Linz is thanking his lucky stars that he didn't turn into Macaulay Culkin.

    Mouse Hunt is an odd movie - it has trouble deciding whether it wants to be a family film or not. One minute, you've got these two goofballs taking more blows to the head than Sylvester ever got going after Tweety, and the next minute Lee Evans is running naked through a string factory and making love to his ex-wife in his dad's old office. But I will say this - Christopher Walken was great as the exterminator. "I WON'T EAT IT! AAARGGH!"

    For a while, DA did this thing in their January issues where they'd provide a pop culture retrospective of the previous year. It always serves as a neat little time capsule - stuff nobody remembers anymore (where the hell did Jonathan Lipnicki go, anyway?), and stuff that'll just never go away (Diddy, I'm looking at you).

    You can use these top secret classified tips to become a completely undetectable spy!...Assuming nobody else reads this magazine.

    Hell, even this is outdated now! Laptops weighed ten pounds in 1998? That's abut the weight of my "Simpsons World" book - I can't even begin to fathom that. It must have been the freakin' stone age.

    Personally, I find it crazy enough that anybody would willingly strap wood planks to their feet and shoot face-first down the side of a mountain. But doing it in a pack? Jeez, give these people a medal just for surviving that crap.

    As long as America keeps going to war, G.I. Joe will never fade away. "Watch the Vietnam War! Friday nights, after 'Laugh-In'!"
    Note that in 1977, Joe became a spaceman. Gee, I wonder what happened that year that got people interested in science-fiction...

    Well, that settles it - when I die, I want my ashes mixed with the ink of my final "Forever 16" collection.

    Well, if it isn't our old friends D and A! Thankfully, this was their final appearance before the comics staff wised up and realized this painfully terrible series deserved to meet an abrupt end. History shows again and again how nature points out the folly of man.

    I remember actually liking "Pepper Ann" when I saw it on One Saturday Morning. I don't know how well it holds up today, but if this comic is any indication, it might be just as clever as my memories would indicate.

    If you needed any further evidence as to why Gran'ma Ben is the most badass old woman ever, here you go. And just wait 'til you see her race a herd of cows.

    The Air Bud series is still going, believe it or not, and it's really gone off the rails in recent years - for one thing, there's a bunch of dogs now, they're all puppies, and they can talk. I'm not sure how we started at a basketball-playing dog and ended up with The Search for Santa Paws.
     
    #175 J. B. Warner, Feb 14, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 14, 2011
  16. Peter Paltridge

    Peter Paltridge Knows about rock people
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    I really groaned at the look of that ad too when I saw it (and its slogan is one of the worst I've ever heard. "They" don't say that).

    Actually if you cut off the first third, where Allen and Alley swear their heads off, it would be safe for kids.

    Hah, that's probably exactly what they were saying. Slipped right under Disney's nose.

    It would be ages before I'd handle a real laptop, so I can't verify how the '98 models must have felt.

    Really? Even with "Spank My Cornflake"?
     
  17. Kitschensyngk

    Kitschensyngk Worse than one of those little blue crunchy things

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    I think the people at Disney were just throwing any movie idea at the wall and seeing what stuck. Mr. Magoo, the Air Bud movies, Rocketman, Meet the Deedles...I'm STILL waiting for the Nostalgia Critic to review their bastardization of Inspector Gadget.


    How did they get away with "BUM'S THE WORD" in a kid's magazine? I've been a Monty Python fan since I was nine, so I at least knew what that word means.

    What the hell is Star Kid?
    (Exactly! -Ed.)

    I think I'd like to see Tim Burton do Superman.

    Subterfuge - the best type of advertising!

    The text at the bottom reads "NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU SWEAT." I can never resist a good simple substitution cipher.

    I'm not as freaked out by the fact that laptops weighed ten pounds back then as I am by the fact that they still had trackballs.

    I feel sorry for any kid who grew up watching shows like this and actually BELIEVING that junior high/high school was going to be as cool as the writers made it out to be, only to finally arrive and end up having a miserable adolescence. Having read Martianinvader's essay on his junior high school days, it makes me hate these shows even more.

    And GOOD LORD every single cartoon I saw on TV around this time was one of these. It would be about another two years before we finally got Cartoon Network on cable, back when it was still cool.
     
  18. Lonestarr

    Lonestarr Stop eating my sesame cake!
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    I think it's less the fault of the movie than of Dreamworks. Personally, I find it ridiculous that this was pushed as a kid's movie. It seemed like a knee-jerk reaction to the supposedly kid-friendly veneer of the movie (cute mouse, Home Alone-style slapstick, PG rating)...and, of course there's the moment at the auction where Evans tries to grab the mouse that has just jumped down a woman's cleavage. Someone was asleep at the wheel at the studio's marketing department.

    And that was Max Schreck himself, Christopher Walken, as the exterminator.
     
  19. J. B. Warner

    J. B. Warner Increasing my wordiness

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    With "Forever 16" no longer a daily endeavor, I can devote more of my free time to the archive now. And good timing, too - with Cars 2 just around the corner, it seems like as good a time as any to look back at the movie that launched an eight-billion dollar franchise. Presenting June/July 2006!

    That "Pull here" thing at the top was for an advertisement that was actually inside the front cover itself, meaning you were supposed to rip the cover off in order to read it. Maybe they shouldn't have put that on a collector's issue.

    Mario's out in front - he's obviously going to nab that Power Star first, leaving his brother with no glory whatsoever. Yet another reason why It Sucks To Be Weegee.

    If I could be in any kind of summer movie, I'd pick one that plays to a very small and specific demographic of geeks, so it doesn't become a blockbuster but enjoys cult status for years to come instead. (Think Scott Pilgrim vs. the World.)

    I think anybody who's spent any length of time in a Hot Topic store has had this discussion. I still have not seen The Corpse Bride (apparently, it proves that Henry Selick was what made The Nightmare Before Christmas awesome, not Tim Burton), but I will admit that Emily's a little more attractive than Sally. Until you remember that they're both dead. And now I need a shower...

    I don't think "Kid Gravity" will ever stop being lame. Even outside the Comic Zone, it smacks of something written by somebody who has no clue in hell what real kids do or say.

    A Disney Channel production about a teenage girl who balances high school life with fighting off bad guys sounds like a lot of fun...until you find out it's not "Kim Possible".
    Speaking of which, I recently found out that Disney currently streams this movie on Netflix On Demand, along with dozens of other Disney Channel Original Movies (including both made-for-TV High School Musicals) and the complete series of shows like "Hannah Montana", "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody", and "Wizards of Waverly Place". And yet, Kim and Ron continue to be buried under a minimum of $100 worth of purchases from the Disney Movie Club. Screw you, Mouse House.

    Off to Radiator Springs we go - taking Route 66, of course. To this day, Cars remains the black sheep of the Pixar filmography, making Disney billions of dollars yet receiving generally mediocre to negative reviews from nearly everyone who watches it (or at least everyone who isn't a little boy between the ages of three and seven). Part of the problem, demonstrated here, is that Pixar backed themselves into that corner they occasionally find themselves in where they have so many characters in one movie that the audience can't possibly get attached to all of them. And Cars 2 is about to heap even more characters on us, so get your notepads ready.

    I maintain, however, that Mater is the funniest and most interesting character in the Cars universe, and since the sequel will focus primarily on him, I'm genuinely excited for it. I usually don't care for these articles where DA tries to make it look like they interviewed a fictional character, but this one's actually pretty damn funny - even more if you read it in Larry the Cable Guy's voice.

    "On my summer vacation this year, I gave a playground ball to an astronaut. The NASA security guys weren't very nice to me..."

    Superman Returns: You'll believe a franchise can die.
    As it turns out, Brandon Routh's true powers lay in his veganism, which allow him to kick holes in the moon and punch the highlights right out of your hair. His one weakness? Gelato. Or chicken parmesan. I am SUCH a dork.

    I can't decide what was creepier about Monster House - the house, or the dead-eyed mo-cap characters that explored it.
    Musso has sung on the Disney Channel since this interview occurred. That's him as Candace's boyfriend Jeremy on "Phineas and Ferb", belting out the syrupy-sweet ode to apathy "Do-Nothing Day". "Beautiful, kind and gentle and loving and softness and sweetness and candy and gum..."

    This comic might have been funnier if it hadn't run in the middle of summer.

    And this Cars comic very blatantly ignores a rather pressing question most people (myself included) have about the movie - how does a car hold anything? Even if you can accept the fact that they somehow built buildings (and apparently each other) with no hands, there's still everyday occurrences like putting a nozzle in your gas tank that seem like they'd be impossible to perform with just a tire.

    Every time I see these Apple and Cinna-Mon ads, I'm just reminded of how much I miss the old cynical Apple Jacks commercials from the '90s. "They don't taste like apples!"

    The Scarecrow is back, and he's taking justice into his own hands. Dude's like a Colonial Rorschach.

    This was about the point where I realized there's no depth that Disney won't sink to in order to milk more money out of a successful movie. I could buy the story about a mad alien scientist whose genetically-enhanced monster escapes to Earth and befriends a lonely Hawaiian girl, but throwing a talking hamster into the proceedings? I'm sorry, my disbelief doesn't suspend that far.

    Hey look, more "Kid Gravity" for me to hate on. Sorry, but "Phineas and Ferb" did the whole "go back and redo your pilot episode two years later" thing so much better.

    No, this is not a card game based on Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. And I'm sure Disney's lawyers were the first to pick up on that.
     
  20. Peter Paltridge

    Peter Paltridge Knows about rock people
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    The magazine didn't have long to live by this point, and you can see why.
     

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