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Teen Titans Fan Fiction Teen Titans: The Empire and the Avatar

Discussion in 'The Story Board' started by Charles Chimag, Dec 24, 2007.

  1. Charles Chimag

    Charles Chimag I also find this amusing!

    May 25, 2007
    Likes Received:
    Hmmm... I'll keep it. You didn't kill anyone.

    Espionage gulped. “May I have a moment?” he asked. He then calmly stepped back a pace, and put a shield around the Tower. Then he ran back inside with the rest of the Titans.

    “What kind of weapons do you think she has?” Robin inquired.

    “I don’t know, but I hope they aren’t plasma swords!” He stopped when he got a ways into the Tower. “We need reinforcements.”

    “Where are we going to get reinforcements?” Zuko yelled. “We’re surrounded by our enemies!”

    “Oh, not reinforcements from around here,” Espionage explained, sliding out his universe gun. “You hold them off. I’ll be back in no time.” He then made a portal and jumped in.

    Immediately, another portal opened on the roof. Four Arwings zoomed out and shot a few planes on their way up to destroy the Strategic Orbital Linear Gun. Then, yet another opened right where Espionage had disappeared a moment before. He stepped out of it with six Poké Balls strapped to his belt.

    “I’m going in.”

    “Wouldn’t that be out?” Beast Boy pointed out.

    “Shut up.”

    Espionage stepped outside and faced Wyvee-tan.

    [FONT=&quot]Wild Wyvee-tan appeared![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Go, Charizard![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Charizard used Flamethrower![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]It’s super effective![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Wild Wyvee-tan used A Weapon![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Charizard used Fire Blast![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Charizard’s attack missed![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Wild Wyvee-tan used A Weapon![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Charizard fainted![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Go, Mewtwo![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Mewtwo blinked![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]It’s super effective![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Wyvee-tan used Explosive Weapon![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Mewtwo used Nothing![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]A critical hit![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]It’s super effective![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Wyvee-tan used Superweapon![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]A critical hit![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Mewtwo used UBERNESS!!![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]It’s super effective![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Actually, it’s ridiculously effective![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Wyvee-tan used Killer Weapon![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Mewtwo finally fainted![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Your foe’s weak! Get ‘em, Captain Falcon![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Wyvee-tan used a Full Restore![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Wyvee-tan was fully healed![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Captain Falcon used T3H FALCON PUNCH!!!!![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Wyvee-tan fainted![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Captain Falcon don’t need no stinking Exp. Points![/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
    Espionage pumped his fist as Wyvee-tan toppled, surprised. She hadn’t expected Captain Falcon’s Falcon Punch to be made of FIRE.

    “FALCON PUNCH!!!” Falcon screamed again as he pummeled a tank. Espionage got to work trying to disable Wyvee-tan’s computer systems.

    Meanwhile, up in space, the four Arwings zoomed towards the Empire’s nuke shooter.

    “I thought he said this was a Solar Operated Laser Gun,” Falco complained.

    “Guess it’s a Strategic Orbital Linear Gun instead,” Fox shrugged. “Look, there it is strategically orbiting.”

    “And it’s so linear,” Slippy said in that annoying voice of his. “Can I blow it up, Fox? Can I, canicanicanicanicanicanicanicanicanicancanican I?”

    “NO!” Fox yelled. “Aaagh, enemy fighters! I can’t shake ‘em!”

    Peppy came over the system. “Fox, do a bar…”

    “Don’t say it….”

    “Fine, you know what to do anyway.”

    As the Star Fox team continued to blast fighters, the giant weapon got closer.

    “Ready, Falco?” Fox asked.


    “Use bombs wisely!” Peppy advised.

    “FIRE!” Fox and Falco each shot their Smart Bombs into the gullet of the Linear Gun. As the bombs exploded, so did the nukes inside the gun, causing a chain reaction. The Star Fox team flew back to Earth quickly as the SOLG exploded.


    Back at the Empire’s base, the Empress had also somehow gotten out of the COMPLETELY INSECAPABLE arena. She was interviewing replacement candidates for Kiryu, having not heard of Wyvee-tan.

    “Robot #1, enter.”

    “Greetings, Empress. My designation number is Q7-0V. How may I serve you?”

    “You have been programmed for destruction, correct?”

    “Affirmative. My weapons supply includes… loading, please wait… everything.”



    “Even a medium-sized waffle iron?” The aforementioned cooking tool popped out of the robot’s shoulder. “Impressive….”

    “Now, one last question. Does mercy compute?” the Empress asked tentatively.

    “Affirmative. Definition; compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy, or other person in one's power; compassion, pity, or benevolence.”

    “It doesn’t fill the void!” the Empress wailed.
  2. Charles Chimag

    Charles Chimag I also find this amusing!

    May 25, 2007
    Likes Received:
    Gryphus, who hadn’t left the field, gaped in astonishment.

    “But… how the hell did you even know about the SOLG?” he spluttered.

    “I looked up and saw it coming,” Espionage shrugged. He yanked out Wyvee-tan’s CPU.

    “How… how did you defeat Wyvee-tan? That looked so… so… easy.”

    “The element of surprise was on my side. Now,” said Espionage, pointing his gun at Gryphus, “I suggest you flee back to your superior. You can have this,” he said, kicking Wyvee-tan’s exterior towards the General. “I doubt it’ll do you much good.” Gryphus’ mouth opened and closed a few times. Then, with hesitation, he started to drag X-02M towards the Empire’s base. Espionage smirked and began shooting at some of the Empire’s tanks, tossing the CPU over his shoulder.

    Once General Gryphus got back to the base, he went directly to the throne room to explain himself.

    “General… what’s that?” the Empress asked curiously, pointing at Wyvee-tan’s husk.

    As Gryphus explained, the Empress’ eyebrows crept up her forehead.

    “So you mean to tell me that not only did you sneak a major project under my nose, but you also launched an assault against the Titans that cost us the SOLG?!”

    “Um, yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.”

    “Ah, I see. Then what do we do now?”

    “I’m going to get the backup of Wyvee-tan’s memory that I required my scientists to make for each robot.”

    “I see. Carry on.”

    Meanwhile, the Titans had finished decimating the General’s forces.

    “We really need to find a quicker way to get rid of those privates,” Beast Boy gasped, leaning against the wreckage of a tank.

    “Agreed. They seem easy to defeat, but can be quite exhausting in large quantities,” Starfire concurred.

    “That’s it,” Robin said suddenly. “I know how we’ll beat all those grunts at once.”

    “Ah, I know what you’re saying,” Espionage realized, tapping his temple. “You want us to…”

    “Destroy the Empire’s cloning facilities,” they finished together.

    “All the Empire’s troops are bred there,” Raven said. “We could potentially deal the Empire such a crippling blow, they’d never recover.”

    “Cloning? Robots?” Sokka burst out. “I’m just not getting all this technology.”

    “Don’t worry, you don’t have to,” Espionage shrugged. He then pulled out the map he bought outside the Empire’s base a while back. It had somehow changed design to reflect the current state of the base. He and Robin huddled over it and discussed.

    “There’s a pipe here leading straight to the facilities….” “How convenient, all the scientists that worked on the cloning projects are in the same room….”

    “All right, Aang will use a combination of Waterbending and Airbending to shoot himself through this sewage pipe here,” Espionage explained. “Then, he will place this bomb -” he produced a bomb out of nowhere and handed it to Aang – “and put it straight under the manhole under the cloning lab. After that, you’ll set the timer and get the hell out of there. Meanwhile, Red X will teleport into the Empire’s vault via his magic belt. Then, he will destroy the blueprints to the cloning vats by any means possible.”

    “What’s in it for me?” Red X questioned.

    “I hear the Empress stores xenothium in her vaults. Plus, there’s a lot of money. I want 20% for the Titans.”

    “Done and done.”

    “Now where was I? Ah yes. This will completely eliminate any chance for the Empire to rebuild their facilities. Any questions? Good. Robin, you get them set. I have other matters to attend to.” With that, he turned on his heel and left.

    Later, he found himself outside the Empire’s base, looking for a dumpster. When he found one, he searched through the top layer. He found what he was looking for; the discarded body of Kiryu. He fished the parts out and started to put them together, making a few minor modifications. Then he burst through the nearest door. By sheer coincidence, it turned out to be exactly the room he was looking for. Scientists jumped in their swivel chairs.

    “All right, hand over the backup memory,” Espionage demanded.

    “We gave Wyvee-tan’s memory…”

    “Not Wyvee-tan, you idiots. Kiryu!”

    “Ah. Yes. Right away.”

    In minutes, Kiryu was powered up again. He awoke with a roar.

    “Espionage, I’m going to ****ing KILL Y… um, hello there. Just a question, but why are you standing there calmly when I’m about to rip out your intestines and wear them around my neck like leis?”

    “Because there’s a new superweapon in town called Wyvee-tan, and I need your help defeating her.”

    “So, let me get this straight. You’re having trouble with a new weapon, and you’re so desperate, you’ll reactivate me in the hopes that I’ll help you?”

    “That’s right.”

    “You’re screwed, you know that? I’m going back to my job.” Just as Kiryu was about to take off, Espionage played his best card.

    “Well, I wouldn’t expect your old position back. Wyvee-tan’s replaced you.”

    Kiryu stopped and activated his plasma swords. “That ***** dies now.”
  3. Charles Chimag

    Charles Chimag I also find this amusing!

    May 25, 2007
    Likes Received:

    Espionage and Kiryu ran through the halls of the Empire’s base, making as much commotion as possible.

    “Are you sure that Gryphus will send Wyvee-tan out?” Kiryu asked.

    “Of course! Gryphus will be so anxious to send out his new superweapon again and brag about how smart he was to make a backup memory.”

    Indeed, Wyvee-tan intercepted them as soon as they entered a wide open ballroom.

    “You really think Gryphus would even consider giving you your position back?” Wyvee-tan laughed. “He happens to be my father.” Kiryu turned to Espionage and gave him a quizzical look.

    “Don’t even ask.”

    “You go do your thing,” Kiryu dismissed. “I have a score to settle with her.” Espionage nodded and ran off towards a different exit.

    Meanwhile, Aang and Red X were ready to start their mission. Aang, clutching the bomb and wearing scuba equipment, dove into the correct pipe, while Red X vanished into thin air.


    Technicians in the Empire frowned at their monitors at once.

    “Sir, you might want to take a look at this,” one of them said to General Gryphus.

    “Oh, what is it?” he groaned. “I was watching Wyvee-tan and Kiryu fight.”

    “Someone’s shooting through a sewage pipe. It looks like Aang.”

    “Deal with him. I’m going back to watching the battle.” The scientists looked at each other.

    “Do you know what to do?” one of them asked another.

    “No, you?”


    Espionage calmly walked through the halls of the Empire’s jail, looking for the right cell. When he found one with coffee stains all over the floor, he nodded and shot the door open. In the corner, he found the universe-merging cannon he had left in the base earlier. He found the purple canister still sitting in it, and thus immediately fired it up. He hit the reverse switch just as the Justice League’s villains emerged, chasing him down. A purple glow washed over everything, and the villains disappeared.

    In the Empress’ room, the Flash vanished. The Empress swore and put her clothes back on.


    Aang swam through the pipe, while pursued by a few soldiers. He shot icicles back, one of which punctured the breathing tube of one of his enemies. Aang then put up a rock wall to slow the soldiers down. He continued to shoot through the pipe, then reached the end. He placed the bomb on the underside of the manhole due to the bomb’s magnetized bottom. Then he started the timer and shot off back through the sewage. When he got to the rock wall he had created, the privates broke through, and then were promptly left in the dust by the Avatar’s escaping.

    Red X, meanwhile, found himself in the direct middle of the Empire’s vaults. He scooped up all the cash he could carry, slid a few vials of xenothium into his belt, and set fire to the rest.


    Kiryu sank to his knees, as sparks played across a few parts of his torso. Wyvee-tan lifted him by the throat and tossed him across the room, where he dented the wall. He tried to get up, but couldn’t quite. Then a flash of green whizzed by Wyvee-tan’s ear.

    “Over here, you hunk of metal,” Espionage yelled. Wyvee-tan turned around to see him standing there with his pistol drawn. When she moved, he surrounded himself with a green bubble. Unlike other times, this one was solid, so that he couldn’t be seen. Kiryu saw this, then smiled as he realized what was happening.

    “Your shields didn’t block all sight before…” Wyvee-tan said warily.

    “I modified them. They now instantly block any projectile up to the size of, say, a bullet. Unfortunately, anything larger goes right through.” Wyvee-tan shot a few rounds at the shield. They seemed to dissipate upon hitting the shield.

    “What, you actually thought that would work?” Espionage snorted. Wyvee-tan snarled and ripped off one of Kiryu’s arm and hurled it at the shield. It went through, and there was a sound like a hand grabbing metal.

    “Come on, I caught that in midair. You know you’ll have to charge me eventually.”

    Wyvee-tan screamed in frustration, then lowered her head and barreled straight towards the green bubble. When she hit it, she went straight through and disappeared. Espionage started laughing and deactivated his universe portal gun.

    “Such an effective weapon, but so very gullible,” Kiryu remarked, straining to get up. “By the way, where’d you send her?” He then managed to get on his feet and staggered towards Espionage.

    “Straight into the lava of Mt. Doom,” Espionage explained.

    Kiryu emitted an evil laugh. “Now, did you really think I would stay on your side when my position was re-vacated?”

    “No,” Espionage said flatly, and activated a detonator in his pocket. Kiryu was thrown back again as an internal explosion rocked his body. He screamed as more explosives activated and completely obliterated his body.


    General Gryphus gasped. He had seen the whole fight from his hidden camera and couldn’t believe it.

    “What the hell?” he hissed.

    “Sir, a bomb has gone off in the cloning facilities,” a technician reported. “Nothing survived.”

    “Sir, the vaults have been ransacked, and all the blueprints burned,” another informed the General.

    “Sir, the Justice League villains have disappeared,” another said.

    “Gryphus, I demand to know why the Flash vanished,” the Empress boomed, entering the room with a furious look in her eyes. Gryphus buried his head in his hands.

    “****, we’re really ****ed now,” he moaned.
  4. amelia_tomashi

    amelia_tomashi This is Sparta!

    Feb 4, 2007
    Likes Received:

    I'm happy with the update!
    Though, not so happy that my beloved Kiryu is gone...

    If the General weren't on the base type thing right now, I'm sure he'd kill you. Oh well, I'll write him a letter since the mean ol navy won't let him use a pc.

    He'll kill you in spirit!


  5. Charles Chimag

    Charles Chimag I also find this amusing!

    May 25, 2007
    Likes Received:
    Glad to see you're back on TZ, Empress. And yes, I'm sure he'd kill me too.
  6. Charles Chimag

    Charles Chimag I also find this amusing!

    May 25, 2007
    Likes Received:
    Gryphus was through bemoaning the Empire’s bad fate, and instead clenched his teeth.

    “Every part of this is Espionage’s doing, there can be no mistake about that,” he stated. “Therefore, I want that son of a ***** at the top of our wanted list… above Raven.”

    All of the subordinates present gasped. Most of them jumped in their chairs, three fainted, and one screamed and started to panic.

    “Raven’s been at the top of the list for years!” the Empress exclaimed. “…Nevertheless, I can see that Espionage poses a threat that even my eternal hatred for Raven cannot ignore. Make the change.” Gryphus entered the database and moved Espionage’s name from #3 to #1 on the wanted list. Then he pondered the situation for a while.

    “We really don’t have many options,” he admitted. “One, we take what few forces we have left and go for broke against the Titans, all their allies, and whatever heroes Espionage can manipulate against us.”

    “Looks sort of bleak, but I could deal with it,” the Empress said, shrugging.

    “Two, we blast ourselves into space, ignoring any bases we might have scattered around the globe and hoping the Titans don’t follow us.”

    “Reasonable and previously accomplished.”

    “Or three – and this is the one I despise the most – we actually try to come to some sort of agreement with the Teen Titans.”

    “You know, unless we have a contract, they probably will track us down, or at least destroy any other assets of ours here on Earth. If we just left, we might never be able to rebuild ourselves if we came back.”

    “And if we went all-out against them, we would have to deal with possibly all thirty-three Titans, Aang’s group, and presumably a whole crapload of Nintendo characters.”

    The General and the Empress looked at each other.

    “I hate my life so much right now,” Gryphus said calmly.


    All the Titans and Gaang regrouped at Titans East Tower.

    “Now that we’ve crippled the Empire, what should we do next?” Robin wondered.

    “We’ve got to be getting back to our own universe so we can save it,” Aang reminded them.

    “Before you do, I have something I want to show you,” said Espionage. “I just need to run to my house. I’ll be back in a scene change.”

    Some time later….

    Espionage returned with the box set of Season 3 Avatar DVD’s.

    “I got the last episodes before they were released to the general public,” he bragged.

    “What are they?” Sokka asked.

    “Come in here and I’ll show you,” Espionage directed. He and the Gaang went back to the Tower. The rest of the Titans stood around for a few seconds.

    “Hey, where’s that 20% you promised us?” Robin asked Red X suddenly.


    The Gaang sat shocked after the DVD ended.

    “So… the Black Sun invasion’s going to fail?” Sokka said, breaking the brief silence. “And Katara ends up with…”

    “No,” Espionage interrupted. “Yes to the second, but the invasion will not fail. What I just showed you what happened in the alternate timeline where Oloshi does not exist, and I have not intervened. I just showed it to you to explain how I took your idea to escape from the Boiling Rock.”

    “But without much more help, then we’ll still fail,” Sokka protested.

    “No. That’s not true. You have more help than you think. We still have time before the invasion. You already have my help, and Oloshi’s help. Ty Lee, Mai, and Zuko are on our side already, and I have a plan to get us a couple more powerhouses. We will not fail. …I also showed you that for an excuse to make a speech.”

    Meanwhile, outside the Tower, Robin spied the Empire’s leaders heading towards the Tower.

    “Titans, prepare for battle,” he warned them quietly. However, General Gryphus was holding a white flag in his hand. He was also beating his fist to his forehead.

    “We have come to the conclusion that we should come to an agreement,” the Empress said to Robin.

    “Um, all right,” he said, stunned. “What kind of terms do you have to work with?”
    “How about this. As long as we leave you alone, you don’t destroy any more of our assets.”

    “Leaving us alone includes Earth.”

    “What? Oh, fine. Countries we haven’t already conquered.”

    “The government can still attack you, though.”


    “And Tamaran is to be included in the category of ‘us,’” Starfire piped up.

    “Well, that goes without saying, doesn’t it? Very well, are our terms acceptable?”

    “Yes, I believe so.” Cyborg printed a typed contract out of his hip. “Just sign here, and it’s a done deal.”

    All the Titans and Empire leaders signed. Espionage, who had seen the incident, came down and put his John Hancock on the page as well. Robin and the Empress shook hands, and then the leaders left.

    “General, you can stop trying to concuss yourself now,” the Empress muttered. “It’s over, and there’s nothing we can do about it.”
    #66 Charles Chimag, Jul 14, 2008
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 16, 2008
  7. Charles Chimag

    Charles Chimag I also find this amusing!

    May 25, 2007
    Likes Received:
    While the Empire’s leaders went back to the base, Vice began to snigger.

    “Vice, what did you do?” the Empress asked.

    “Didn’t you have something in your hand when we went towards the Tower?” Kim wondered.

    “Oops, I guess I dropped it,” Vice said, grinning. “Oh well, I guess I’ll hand the net launcher controls to Slade.”

    “You have a net launcher compressed into the size of a walnut?” Kim said incredulously. “Can I have one?”

    They finally returned, where Slade was waiting for them.

    “Empress, I regret to say that I am too restless for a quiet existence in space,” Slade admitted. “I’m resigning from service to the Empire.”

    “Understandable,” the Empress sighed. “Have fun fighting the Titans, and good luck. You’ll need it.”

    “You’ll also need this,” Vice whispered, slipping a control device into Slade’s hand. “I suggest catching Raven with it.”


    Espionage and the Avatar gang were saying their goodbyes to the Titans.

    “I’ll be back soon, I’m not going to stay,” Espionage informed them, hugging Raven and shaking hands with the rest.

    “Even though we were dragged into this and hadn’t the faintest idea who these Empire people were, I still had a pretty good time,” Sokka remarked. “Now, though, I think we should be getting back. The world needs the Avatar back.”

    Espionage zapped a portal into existence as the Titans and Titans East walked back into the Tower. The departing members walked through, last of all Espionage. Before he closed the portal, though, a slightly familiar ninja in black with shining eyes rushed in, unnoticed by Espionage.


    The Gaang emerged practically the moment they had left, but in a completely different place. Instead of being at the lip of the Boiling Rock, they were somehow flying on Appa above a different Fire Nation prison, on an island. The ninja that followed them fell into the water below, and started swimming in their direction.

    “This is it,” Espionage announced. “I got us to the right place.” Appa landed outside the prison, and Espionage began going over the plan again.

    “All right, so Aang, Katara, Sokka, Toph, Suki, and Zuko will go back to Piandao’s and go their course. Meanwhile, Oloshi, Ty Lee, Mai, and I will go our own way, starting here.”

    “Why can’t I stay with Mai again?” Zuko questioned.

    “Because Aang still needs to learn Firebending, obviously. Now are we clear?” The group nodded.

    “I haven’t the foggiest why I’m suddenly the leader of everything, but let’s get to it!”

    The Gaang separated into their two groups, and the main group left. Espionage began an attempt to flatten his hair and put on goggles as to make him less recognizable. He then tested his pistol out, and smiled when a laser beam erupted from the end.

    “So much for the old green globs,” he muttered to himself. “Laser beams are sure to garner more attention. And they’re cooler.” He then got behind the other three, disguised with his hair down his back instead of up in giant spikes and with goggles.

    “All right, keep it moving,” he shouted. “Hey! Whoever is in charge of this place had better show himself!”

    The Fire Nation prison was basically a tower. At the top of it, there was a balcony where the Warden or anyone else in charge could step out to look down upon prisoners coming in. This is where Princess Azula now stepped.

    “Ah, Princess Azula,” the traveling Titan boomed. “Whatever brings you here?”

    “The ransom note you sent earlier,” she called back. “I’ve been waiting for you to show up.”

    “When did you have time to write and send a note?” Oloshi wondered aloud to Espionage.

    “I came up with this plan a while ago, and I sent it before we left,” he explained softly.

    “Well?” Azula said impatiently. “Are you just going to stand there or tell me what you want? You never mentioned it in your letter. All you said was that you orchestrated a breakout and captured these three.”

    “I want King Bumi,” he yelled. “I can assume that’s reasonable for these three. Either that or they will no longer be worth anything.” He brandished his pistol.

    “What are you going to do with that, club them?” Azula scoffed. “Let’s see what it can do.”

    Espionage smirked and fired it into the air. A laser beam shone like a beacon, and Azula gasped.

    “That’s what it can do. I would guess that you don’t want that to happen to your friends.”

    “In due time, I will make the trade. But I have a few questions first. How did you escape from the Boiling Rock?”

    “That, my dear Azula, is for me to know, and for the Fire Nation to never discover. It’s a good thing that coward Jet Li fled, otherwise I would have had more annoyances to deal with. As it was, the Avatar’s group and I had a fairly hard time subduing these subordinates.”

    “Ah, yes, that reminds me. What happened to Zuko?”

    “He escaped my custody by following Jet out the door. He’s probably chasing the Avatar again, although he’s likely to be the one captured.”

    “Another question: That beam of light was impressive, but what can it do to someone?”

    Espionage sighed and shot a guard standing next to Azula in the arm. He howled as the laser hit it, leaving a smoking wound.

    “How do I know you’re not bluffing? You only hit him in the arm.”

    “Let’s see. I think since these two have a certain place in your heart, I’ll start with the bounty hunter. Your friends should still be enough leverage to buy me King Bumi.” He switched his laser pistol to stun while pointing it at Oloshi’s head.

    “A convincing bluff, but it won’t work,” Azula dismissed. “I don’t believe you’ll really have the guts to do it. Guards, ready.” They readied their arrows.

    “Azula, you need me!” Oloshi screamed. “I captured the Avatar when you failed! You can’t afford to lose me!”

    “I’m not bluffing, Azula, call them off!”


    “Azula, no!”

    “That’s it!” Espionage fired. Oloshi crumpled. Azula stopped just as she was about to give the order to fire.

    “Wait. All right, I believe you. Ty Lee and Mai for King Bumi, was it?” Espionage nodded. Azula waved her hand, and the guards went to fetch the mad genius. When the metal box he was in was brought out, Espionage waved his gun to gesture that Ty Lee and Mai should start walking. The guards dragged Bumi over to the Titan’s side, then handed him the key to the box. Espionage took it and freed the king just as Azula’s friends got out on the balcony.

    “Well, hello there,” Bumi said. “I was waiting to strike the Fire Nation, you know. I guess I won’t get the perfect opportunity now.” He looked rather disheartened.

    “It’s all right,” he was assured. “I’ve got a plan to strike them myself. NOW!”

    Ty Lee immediately paralyzed Azula, who gasped and fell. Mai pinned the guards nearby to the wall with her endless supply of sleeve needles.

    “Good plan,” Bumi remarked to Espionage.

    “I… I don’t understand,” the Princess admitted from the floor. “Why?”

    Espionage leaped with his lightning rocket boost up to the balcony, and encased Azula in a green bubble. Oloshi awakened, and he and Bumi summoned up a pillar of earth which carried them up.

    “You’re supposed to be dead!” Azula exclaimed.

    “Nope, I’m over a hundred years old and still kicking!” Bumi bragged.

    “Not you,” Oloshi said.

    “I also turned him into a newt,” Espionage joked, “but he got better then, too.”

    Espionage turned to the guards left. “Send a message to Fire Lord Ozai. I want General Iroh in exchange for Princess Azula. Have him send someone here by noon tomorrow. I’ll be waiting here.” The guards not pinned to the wall turned and ran.


    While the net launcher lay dormant on the Titans East’s doorstep, Raven was on the computer. Robin walked into the room to find her frozen, her eyes twitching alternately, a shocked expression on her face.

    “Raven, what’s wrong?” he asked in alarm.

    “I’ve stumbled upon something so horribly foul that even I’m going to have nightmares,” she stated, still in a shocked pose.

    “What? What is it?”

    “I found… fanfiction.” Robin raised an eyebrow quizzically.

    “What’s that?” he asked.

    “It’s where the fans of some fictional work, like a TV show, write a story with characters and/or settings from that work, but horribly mangle them to fit their own nefarious purposes, sometimes even adding their own original, despicable creations.”

    “Oh, come on, that doesn’t seem that bad.” Robin read the first page of one and promptly collapsed, pulling himself up by the desk edge. “How can anyone possibly spawn such an abominable story?”

    “I don’t know. If only Espionage were still in this universe, he could use his fourth-wall breaking knowledge to help us.”

    “What’s the – oh, never mind. Hey, what’s this lampshade doing here?” Just then, Beast Boy walked in.

    “Hey, what’s everyone looking at?” He went over and looked at the computer screen for a while. Then, his face lost all color and he fainted.

    “I honestly don’t know what I saw in him during that whole second Brotherhood of Evil thing,” Raven sighed.
  8. Charles Chimag

    Charles Chimag I also find this amusing!

    May 25, 2007
    Likes Received:
    Warning: Avatar finale spoilers may be appearing sporadically from this point on. Have a nice day.


    Sokka had learned the art of the sword from Master Piandao, and they were saying their goodbyes.

    “I have here just a little something to remember me by,” Piandao said, fishing out a Pai Sho tile from his pockets. Sokka took it, remembering some knowledge of the universe he had gained from the DVDs Espionage showed them.

    “A White Lotus tile,” he breathed. “The Order of the White Lotus.”

    “How did you know about that?” Piandao demanded.

    “My uncle is a member,” Zuko replied.

    “Yes, the Grand Master,” Piandao recalled. “But that still doesn’t explain how the rest of you knew. The Order is supposed to be secret.”

    “We know a few other members,” Aang explained. “Jeong Jeong, Master Pakku, and King Bumi.”

    “I suppose Bumi might be senile enough to let it slip,” Piandao admitted. “Well, yes, I am part of it. It really is more of an old men’s society, but you are the epitome of transcending the boundaries between nations. Between you, you encompass them all – something almost impossible nowadays. I would count you members, but I believe that Iroh should have that honor.”

    “That reminds me,” said Zuko. “You know my uncle. Do you know where he is right now?”

    “Last I heard, he was still in Fire Nation prison,” Piandao said, shrugging. “You could travel there if you wanted to know. By my reckoning, no one knows you’ve betrayed the Fire Nation yet.”

    “Gang, we have our next move,” Sokka said excitedly.


    The Empire blasted off into space, their huge base erupting with rocket flame. As they soared off into the sky, Slade waved and fingered the net launcher Vice had given him.

    Later, Slade was back in his base, watching Titans East Tower with a hidden camera Brother Blood had installed last time he was in town.

    “Raven’s outside,” he said to himself. “Let’s see whether Vice’s advice was any good.” He pressed the button.

    Outside Titans East Tower, Raven was going to see how far the workers had gotten on reconstructing the old Titans Tower. Then, out of nowhere, a net sprang up and caught her. She calmly tried to rip the net apart with her dark magic, but it got tighter as she attempted. She called out for help, but by the time anyone had burst out the door, Brother Blood was heading back to Slade’s base with their quarry.

    Once there, Raven was strapped onto a specially designed platform (although it really wasn’t that special, since about a million other things have served the same purpose). Slade then exposed a patch of skin on her upper arm, and injected her with a needle. He laughed, watching as his screen showed a familiar sight.

    “Nanobots,” he mused. “This almost makes me nostalgic. And now that I have secured the means of spreading them,” he said, capping the needle and locking it inside a box, “I don’t have to worry about any mistakes like last time.” He examined his wrist, looking upon the activator button. “Yes, this should be hard to beat.”


    Meanwhile, dusk was falling at the Fire Nation prison where the other gang was. Azula’s bubble had been moved and expanded so she had access to one of the cots the prison guards had brought for them.

    “We’re going to have to keep watch to make sure we don’t get attacked,” Espionage commented. “We’ll go in shifts.”

    “I can take first shift,” Oloshi volunteered. “The night’s young yet.”

    “I can take the second shift, I guess,” Mai shrugged.

    “I’ll go third,” Espionage and Ty Lee said at once.

    “I’ll take the third shift so you can just basically get up early,” Ty Lee volunteered. “I have no trouble falling back asleep anyway.”

    “Thank you, that’s very kind,” Espionage acknowledged. “Azula, are you up for a night of explanation in shifts?”

    “I’ll be up all night anyway trying to figure out why I was betrayed so easily, so yes,” Azula hissed.

    Later that night, three of the four heroes were asleep, and Oloshi was getting some information across to Azula.

    “So, are you surprised Jet Li isn’t coming to see what happened to you?” Azula asked casually.

    “No, because he’s right over there,” Oloshi replied, nodding in Espionage’s general direction.

    “He’s Jet? What, is Zuko here too disguised as one of my guards?” she said sarcastically.

    “No, he just joined the Avatar,” Oloshi said. “He’s teaching him Firebending while they travel to prepare for the invasion.”

    “I see, during the upcoming eclipse,” Azula mused. “So, what made you go against me?”

    “Your rule by fear never really worked on me,” Oloshi explained. “I always knew I wasn’t going to really be loyal to you, I just wanted to get close to the Avatar, have some information about Ozai’s inner circle, and maybe make some cash on the side.”

    “So you don’t really fear me?” Azula inquired.

    “No, I don’t,” Oloshi said simply. “You do realize I can bend all four elements, right?”

    Azula shot straight up from her position lying down on her cot. “No, you failed to mention that detail.”

    “Ah, I see. Well, it’s a long story, but I suppose I have time.” As he began, Azula lay back down. This night was bound to be interesting.


    Slade chuckled to himself as he awaited the Titans’ arrival. Sure enough, they got there, prepared to rescue their fellow.

    “Good evening, Titans,” Slade began. “I can see you’re being as predictable as ever. Well, I decided to get predictable too. You see the monitor behind me?” Robin gasped. It was showing Raven’s vital signs, and also pictured was an image of her bloodstream, in which nanobots were flowing.

    “You went for the nanobots again?” he groaned.

    “Indeed. You shall do what I command, or I will kill Raven with a simple press of a button. If you attempt to stop me while I do so, I will destroy the controls, making it impossible to stop the process. In other words, it’s foolproof.”

    “Let him kill me, you guys stop him,” Raven said from her bounds. “I’m as good as dead anyway here, so just stop him here instead of following his orders.”

    Randomly, a portal appeared directly behind Slade. Espionage stepped out of it and grabbed Slade’s wrist.

    “Hello, Slade. I believe that’s my girlfriend you’re attempting to use as bait.” He then ripped the button out of its socket, which strangely did not ‘make the process impossible to stop.’ “You didn’t plan for this? You should know that it doesn’t automatically switch on the ‘bots, just freezes them in the state they were in when the button stopped working.”

    “That was quick,” Robin commented. “Did you stop the entire Fire Nation already?”

    “Sort of. I just came back here when my stay there was done, choosing to come back fairly recently after I’d left. This way, I can be two places at once.”

    “That was all completely pointless,” Slade raged. “I went to all the trouble to create new nanobots and capture Raven, plus making the plan nearly foolproof, and yet you come along and ruin my progress! Well, I have one thing to say to you, sir.” He then froze for a second, then made an unexpected motion towards his computer. He pounded his fist on a big red button, which caused a trapdoor to open beneath Raven’s platform. She was lowered down into it extremely quickly, then Slade laughed, closing the trapdoor and fleeing before anyone could even regain the power of speech.

    “I’m thinking that didn’t help much,” Beast Boy remarked.
  9. Charles Chimag

    Charles Chimag I also find this amusing!

    May 25, 2007
    Likes Received:

    “We’ve been sitting here, like, forever!” Beast Boy complained. “Who has a plan?”

    “A plan will come to me,” Espionage assured him. “Or a solution will present itself.” A random girl started walking up to them. “I was hoping for a different solution than this.”

    “Why?” Robin asked.

    “Robin, that girl is sparkling like a swimming pool full of mirrors on the SUN. That indicates powers beyond anything we can comprehend, or else something hotter than a swimming pool full of mirrors on the sun. Or both.”

    “Hi, guys!” the random girl said brightly.

    “It’s obvious she’s…”

    “I’m Mary Sue!”

    “A swimming pool full of mirrors on the sun would have been better. If we were all on the sun to see it that would be better.”

    “I’m a half-Tamaranian, half-cat, half-demon hybrid with 3/10ths of each of the five Teen Titans’ abilities. And, as you can see, I have a third eye on the back of my head that can see in every direction.”

    “Robin, this girl is supposedly so great that she’s supposedly ONE AND A HALF PEOPLE!” Espionage pointed out. “And what have you done with Mad-Eye Moody?”

    “I dug up his eye from the gnarled tree when I was visiting Hogwarts, after my double date with Scorpius Malfoy and Sirius Black.”

    “There are so many inconsistencies there I don’t want to get into it.”

    “Oh, by the way, now that I’ve met you all in person, I absorbed your full power while leaving you intact. Where’s Raven?”

    “She’s been captured by Slade, and I was coming up with a plan to save her.”

    “Then I’ll have to save her!”

    “Yes, please come with us,” Robin said in a monotone. “We would love you to join the Teen Titans on this mission.”

    “Oh, great,” Espionage said with frustration. “A functional Parody Sue.”


    Azula was still awake when Mai took over for Oloshi.

    “So, what made you betray me?” Azula asked with contempt.

    “I love Zuko more than I fear you,” Mai said with a shrug.

    “Does no one fear me anymore?” Azula wondered out loud. “You’d think it would be easier to find good intimidated people, but no.”

    “I’ll let you get back to your ranting now,” Mai said in a bored manner.

    Much later, Mai woke up Ty Lee and fell asleep. Azula was waiting patiently for her.

    “So we come to suspect number three. What was your motivation?”

    “I was outnumbered in the decision, and you weren’t around to bully me into submission.”

    “Well, I’m here now. Will you do what I say or keep listening to that nefarious Jet Li?”

    “I’m on the Avatar’s side now. It’s because I like….” She stumbled at this point. “Doing what I want without fear of you,” she finished lamely.

    “Yes, I see,” said Azula, unconvinced.

    Then came the final shift, where Espionage came into play. He had brought his DVD player from the other dimension, wanting to fix something.

    “Azula, let’s get this over with, I never did follow you, as I’m sure you knew. Now, I would like you to watch this… um, well, it’s sort of a look at what might happen to you in the future.” He slid the DVD player to where she could see and started up the finale of Avatar. Her eyebrows rose steadily. When it was finally over, he turned to her.

    “Please understand, you are indeed my enemy. I just have admired your cunning and brilliance, and don’t want to see it torn to shreds again. Not in person.”

    “I’ll give it some thought. It’s a bit much to take in as it is.” Espionage nodded and leaned back in the chair he was in.


    In another universe, Espionage fumed at Mary Sue as the Titans walked towards Slade’s new underground hideout.

    “You’re here for one mission and that’s it, understand? I’ve been known to be a Mary Sue myself, so you had better watch it.” He punctuated this with appropriate gestures.

    “Oh, believe me, I’m only here for this,” she said slyly. She leaned down to him. “Or not. You know as well as I do that I’ll just use my powers to enslave your friends. Face it, you’re finished.”

    “Not if anything to say about it I have,” Espionage said in a raspy voice.


    “Sorry, I’ve got something in my throat.” He coughed. “That’s better. Not if I can help it.”

    Meanwhile, Slade was laughing to himself. Raven was restrained against the wall by metal clamps, and her cloak was hanging on the opposite wall.

    “Believe me, I hate doing this to you,” Slade said through his cackles.

    “No you don’t. You’re enjoying every second of it.”

    “Yes, because I get my thrills by kidnapping teenaged super-powered girls, tying them up against my wall, and removing unnecessary articles of their clothing.”

    “I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic or not.”

    “The really good part is, you’ll never know if I was. Say hello to nightmares.” Just then, the Titans burst in. “Oh, bothersome interruptions.” Slade pressed a button on the wall, and laser cannons popped out of the walls in every direction. Mary Sue looked at them. They exploded instantly. Slade threw up his hands.

    “I surrender!” he shouted. “I’ll never attack this city again, just don’t hurt me!”

    Mary Sue smirked. “That’s what I thought. Now release Raven.” He did so, and Raven flew to Espionage’s side.

    “Let’s get out of here,” Mary suggested. She then thrust her fist upwards. A giant gaping hole appeared in the ceiling to reveal the surface up above. They all flew back up, leaving Slade to wallow in self-pity.

    Later, Mary Sue had followed the Titans back to their newly-repaired Titans Tower.

    “So, can I join your group?” she asked.

    “No,” Espionage said flatly. “But it’s not up to me, is it? Ask Robin, then.”

    Mary sue looked over at Robin, Beast Boy, and Cyborg. “You all, love me.”

    “Yes, ma’am,” Beast Boy said flatly.

    “We love you,” said Cyborg robotically.

    “Will you go out with us?” Robin asked with no trace of emotion.

    “No,” Mary Sue said, enjoying it. “Now, you girls, love me. But only want to date me if I want you to.” They complied.

    “Now, Espionage, you are my slave,” she said, waving her hand.

    “No, I won’t,” he said defiantly.

    “Slavery will be fine,” she said with confusion, waving her hand again.

    “No, it won’t,” he said again. “Look, you didn’t know me before you came here, right?”


    “So your author must not have either. The only characters your author can bend to her (supposedly her) will is characters she has heard of, so you can’t use your evil powers on anyone who entered the scene after the events of the Teen Titans series. Therefore –” He stopped suddenly, then started to grin. “Therefore, I know how to beat you.” He blasted a shield up between the pair of them, then raced off to safety, maniacally laughing. While he sped off, he fumbled to get a cell phone out of his pocket. “Let’s hope they’ve got good reception up in space.”


    The Empire floated in space in search of a new world to conquer, hopefully with big stupid natives that would follow them blindly.

    “It’s a pity we couldn’t stay on Earth longer,” the Empress mused to General Gryphus in the throne room. “I had just finished this theme tune for us.” She hit a button on a remote control, and speakers located conveniently in the room started playing a familiar theme song.

    When there’s trouble, you know who’s to blame… The Empire!
    They treat war like it’s some kind of game… Cause they’re the Empire!
    When there’s evil on the attack
    Rest assured that just means that they’re back
    Just hope it’s not Empress or General… It’s Gryphus?
    The world’s superpowers have no might… Against the Empire!
    They’ll take away your freedom and your rights… Yeah, the Empire!
    They’ve got the whole world on the run
    Take over nations just for fun
    Complete and total conquest is their goal…They’re the Empire!
    Four three two one BOOM! The Empire!

    Gryphus raised one eyebrow. “That was funny and all, but it’s too bad we won’t get to use it.”

    “That’s what I’m saying,” the Empress confirmed. Then the phone rang. She turned to Gryphus, who shrugged. She picked up the phone. “Er… hello? All right.” She turned the speaker phone on.

    “Gryphus, it’s me, Espionage,” he said. Gryphus’ jaw nearly hit the floor. “Yes, I know it’s surprising, but this is a situation I need your help on. Look, I am willing to help you rebuild your armies if you help me with this.”

    “And this is…?”

    “Mary Sue.” Both Gryphus and the Empress growled. “She’s enslaved all the Titans and I’ve barely escaped. Her mind-control powers don’t work on other characters who came in after Season Five. You have to come back to help me.”

    “All right, so it’s tempting. What could you do to help us rebuild?”

    “I will go back in time, duplicate one of your blueprints for a cloning vat, then bring it back to you.”

    “And you’re fine with this?”

    “Look, this is the epitome of Mary Sues here. I’m familiar with this territory, but I’m in over my head. If you don’t help me, I’ll be forced to tweak the plot so that you do. I’m not without a touch of Mary Sue magic myself.”

    Gryphus looked at the Empress, who nodded. “We’ll do it. We’ll meet you somewhere on Earth. Look for the giant base coming down into the atmosphere.” He turned off the phone.

    “Remember when this universe made a shred of sense?” he asked the Empress as she turned the base around.


    “Neither do I.”
  10. Atoragon

    Atoragon *random sound effects*

    Dec 11, 2006
    Likes Received:
    *slowly wanders into room*

    I leave you alone for a bit, and look what you've done... FYI, I've killed you in spirit 8492 times...

    You "kill/knock-out" my dear Wyvee-tan... you destroy my tanks... you have my air armada lose to a flea-infested Starfox, and you want me to join you in battle against some Mary Sue? Are you ******* nutts? ... Well, I don't need the help of some "Espionage and gang" to kill some Mary Sue... I could easily send out ADF-01M, who, like her sister, has chosen a new name... "Falken-tan"... or use Dimension Tide... or the SOLG... et cetera, et cetera, et cetera...

    Well, oh well... oh, by the way, I'm no longer "General Gryphus". You may now refer to me as "Fleet Admiral Gryphus"... I think I'll just sit back and watch you attempt to redeem yourself...

    *makes various corrections, such as how Wyvee-tan has a brain/computer hybrid processor, so it can't just be pulled out like a CPU like you implied before*
  11. Charles Chimag

    Charles Chimag I also find this amusing!

    May 25, 2007
    Likes Received:
    Well, Fleet Admiral, I'm impressed that you can keep track of how many times you've killed me in spirit. 8492? I must be on the top of your list. By the way, about the SOLG.... did you see the part where Star Fox actually blew it up? I'd like to raise the bidding to 8493....

    Also, let me give you this little snippet. It isn't in any particular time of the story, just thought you, Fleet Admiral, might enjoy it.

    Espionage and Gryphus were talking.

    "So, I noticed I'm now #1 on your kill list," Espionage remarked.

    "Yes, even Raven can't surpass your sheer ability to **** with us," Gryphus said angrily.

    "By the way, who's #3?" asked Espionage curiously.

    "Oh, just some son of a ***** called Charles," Gryphus said casually.

    "I thought he was already dead."

    "Once is not enough."
  12. Atoragon

    Atoragon *random sound effects*

    Dec 11, 2006
    Likes Received:
    I'm either choosing to ignore the fact that you destroyed the SOLG, or you can assume I built another. Take your pick. Either way, its sitting up there ready to blast you. And no, its staying at 8492. That number of kills was also counting the number of times I killed you because of your rash assumptions. Oh, and my sister mailed me your little updates, so I was never "In the dark" about your actions. I've had time to thoroughly think out your imminent destruction.

    *scribbles down notes*

    "Never-Fail Plan to Destroy a "Mary-Sue" (Also works against Godzilla, Armies of Mordor, Planet-Killers and Anything You Really Want Gone)"

    - Fire Dimension Tide At Target.
    - Problem Solved.


    It would be much better IF THEY ACTUALLY PUT IN A GODDAM THOROUGH DESCRIPTION, but, it works.
  13. amelia_tomashi

    amelia_tomashi This is Sparta!

    Feb 4, 2007
    Likes Received:
    Is Back!

    lmao. Though I can't say the Empire's current position makes me happy, I can say that its funny...
    Anyhoo! Welcome back Admiral *man thats weird* Congraties again on the graduation!

    ...Don't forget who runs this Empire now Charles...

    Empress and Founder of the Earth's Sphere Unified Nations
    *that will once again rise to power*

    Awesome theme song...if you can get someone to sing it on youtube, I'll give you a cookie.
  14. Atoragon

    Atoragon *random sound effects*

    Dec 11, 2006
    Likes Received:
    You have got to be shittin' me... there's no way some one will sing that... not even for TWO cookies *gasp*

    And Empress, recall the fact that this is a fictional story thingy... we have our vast empire, but we're just letting Charles have fun... for the time being...
  15. Atoragon

    Atoragon *random sound effects*

    Dec 11, 2006
    Likes Received:
    Well, it's been 3 whole weeks since Charles has last updated, so, one of the following has happenned:
    1) He's actually taking his time writing and not rushing
    2) He is trying REALLY hard not to piss me off again, so he's rewritten the chapter like 10 times
    3) He is just lazy

    Either way, I demand recompence. There is no way he can just leave the ESUN in shambles. If he dare does, Falken-tan would be glad to "visit" him, and trust me, she is much more brutal than Kiryu...
  16. Charles Chimag

    Charles Chimag I also find this amusing!

    May 25, 2007
    Likes Received:
    I know it's been a while, Admiral. I've been stopped in my tracks by [high] school for the time being. When I have time to write again, I will help the Empire, but I don't have time right now. (I have been thinking about it, though... who do you think Mary Sue might have run into on her way to real Earth?)
  17. Atoragon

    Atoragon *random sound effects*

    Dec 11, 2006
    Likes Received:
    I'm too lazy to rattle off the list of all thethings Mary-Sue could run into while in an interdimensional portal to Earth, but I'll give ya a few
    -Gaigan (teleportation ability)
    -Gotengo using its Slipspace generators

    More will come when I'm less lazy...
  18. amelia_tomashi

    amelia_tomashi This is Sparta!

    Feb 4, 2007
    Likes Received:
    Its good to see you Charleh! I LOVE this story so much! It makes me smile.
    #78 amelia_tomashi, Oct 14, 2008
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 14, 2008
  19. Charles Chimag

    Charles Chimag I also find this amusing!

    May 25, 2007
    Likes Received:
    Um, yeah, here's a little bit of something. I hope you enjoy my latest insanity parody, plus some actual story. I don't really expect to be able to write much anytime soon, but.... I will try and finish this story eventually.


    Espionage had barricaded himself in his house, waiting for the base to drop or Mary Sue to arrive. Interestingly enough, both happened at the exact same time. As soon as the Empire’s base had landed and he had torn down his planks and boards, Mary Sue appeared on the horizon. The Empire’s leaders jumped out immediately: The Empress, Vice, Kim, and Paranoid Guy leaped next to him in a rather awesome formation. Then Espionage realized something.

    “Where’s Gryphus?”

    “Oh, he’s still getting his weapons ready,” the Empress explained. “He should be out soon.”

    Mary Sue giggled in a high-pitched, deafening manner as she walked up to them.

    “This is what I have to contend with?” she laughed. “You’re a joke.”

    “Oh, you’d be surprised, Mary,” Espionage said casually. “I never underestimate the Empire. They are quite formidable.”

    “But not predictable, I imagine,” Mary Sue said with a grin. “You fool. You utter fool.”

    Espionage grunted unexpectedly and involuntarily. He glanced down at the dart now embedded in his leg, and looking at the general smiling devilishly at him from the doorway of the base, collapsed like a felled tree. The last thing he heard before he slipped under was Gryphus.

    “You did well, Mary Sue. Very well indeed.”


    (parody of the Walrus and the Carpenter)

    The sun was shining on the base,
    Shining with all its might.
    And techies did their best to focus
    Beams of pure sunlight
    Into a lethal ray which would be
    Torturously bright.

    The night shift workers frowned at them
    Those whose time slots were done.
    They wanted to get their own pay
    For working well past one.
    Because Empress paid by the hour
    Although it wasn’t fun.

    Gryphus was glad as he could be
    Empress was overjoyed
    The plan, you see, had worked quite well.
    The agent they’d deployed
    Had captured all the Titans;
    They were soon to be destroyed.

    The Empress and the General
    Were sitting side by side.
    Then Gryphus said, “I’ll miss the chap
    Long after he has died.
    For Espionage was quite a foe.”
    At this, he falsely cried.

    “However,” he considered,
    Smiling like the Cheshire Cat,
    “We’ll be forever rid of him,
    And I am fine with that.”
    The Empress nodded silently
    And swatted at a gnat.

    “World leaders, come and join with us!”
    The Empress did cajole.
    “Dictatorship can be quite hip
    Especially my role.
    In fact, when you’re just starting out,
    You’ll find it rather droll.”

    Russia looked up at all their might,
    But never did they quake.
    They looked on rather stoically.
    Their heads did they all shake.
    The General said, “Send out Phil
    And then they all will bake.”

    Spain, Greece, and Sweden hurried up
    All eager for treaties.
    “Our kings will sign,” they said with pride,
    “And hand you all the keys.”
    And this was odd, for, as you know,
    They were democracies.

    Four other countries followed them,
    And yet another four.
    And thick and fast they came at last
    There were at least a score.
    Especially those countries who
    Were dangerously poor.

    The Empress and the General
    Signed treaties for a while.
    And then they led the leaders out
    In tidy single file.
    They sent them to the meeting room
    And then revealed their guile.

    “The time has come,” the Empress said,
    “To talk of many things.
    Of France, Japan, and Canada
    And making me their king.
    And how to kill our foes, with painful
    Drawn-out torturing.”

    “But wait a bit,” the leaders cried,
    “You cannot mean that, no.
    To conquer all the world by force,
    Please say it isn’t so!”
    The Empress laughed, and then they knew
    They’d signed up for their foe.

    “An atom bomb,” the Empress said,
    “Is chiefly what we need.
    Weapons and manpower besides
    Are very good indeed.
    Now, if you’re ready, leaders dear,
    We’ll make them go to seed.”

    “We’ll not do that!” the leaders cried,
    Turning pale as a sheet.
    “We didn’t know that we had signed
    For that.” Red as a beet,
    The General said, “Well then,
    You’ll be good for naught but meat.”

    “Enjoy these last few moments, as
    They’ll surely be your last.
    You see, I’ve ordered Phil, my pet,
    To have himself a fast.
    By now, he will be hungry
    And you’ll make a nice repast.”

    “It seems a shame,” the Empress said,
    “To play them such a trick.
    After we’ve forced them into this
    To kill them quite this quick.”
    The General said nothing but,
    “All right, Phil, take your pick.”

    “I weep for you,” the Empress cried.
    “I deeply sympathize.”
    She brushed the carnage off herself
    And left it for the flies.
    The General said only,
    “We have conquest, I surmise.”

    “World leaders,” said the General.
    “I slowly draw my gun.
    Is there a soul that’s left alive?”
    But answer there came none.
    And this was scarcely odd, as Phil
    Had eaten everyone.


    Espionage awoke in a strange place. It was mostly purple. He had a fleeting thought; I like purple. He tried to move. There were chains binding him to some structure he couldn’t see. He then sighed.

    “Mary Sue, you’re hiding somewhere, aren’t you?” She popped out from behind a green rock.

    “Care to explain?” he asked.

    “You don’t recognize your own mind?” Mary Sue laughed.

    Espionage paused for a minute to examine the sheer ridiculousness of what was happening. He was trapped by an insane world-domination group inside his own mind by a Mary Sue, while trying to save his girlfriend, who had been fictional until recently. It was definitely time to get some therapy.

    “So, you’re here to guard me?”

    “Yes, and others of me are watching the others.”

    “Oh, you have got to be kidding.”

    Mary Sue sat down on a convenient flat rock. She wasn’t going anywhere for a while.


    Gryphus and the Empress walked into the torture room elated and ready. Gryphus happily took the controls, while Empress simply sat in her throne, leering down at her victim. It was, predictably, Raven. She was hooked up to some complicated-looking machine through electrodes and a series of tubes. Gryphus chuckled in a chilling manner, then began his usual pre-torture spiel. This was what he liked best about the process – a nice Hannibal Lecture to crush the spirit before slowly working through the body.

    “You must have noticed that there is no Espionage rushing in to save you,” he began. “Don’t count on him coming anytime soon. He’s been captured, too. He was a fool to believe we would actually help him. Eventually, we will kill him, but Mary Sue assures us that he won’t get past her. First, we want him to realize that he has ultimately failed. We will “accidentally” let him go at the last second, he will come here, and arrive just in time to see your final moment. He will see you die, and then we will kill him. His mind will snap, and then so will his spine. Now, as for you, we don’t plan to kill you off quickly. No, this machine was specially designed to kill you as painfully and slowly as possible. You will remain conscious, but you’ll wish you weren’t. In fact, you’ll wish you were flat-out dead. Your screams will probably shatter at least one window. We, however, will enjoy every moment.”

    Behind the cloth covering Raven’s mouth, Gryphus heard a sob. And he smiled.
  20. Atoragon

    Atoragon *random sound effects*

    Dec 11, 2006
    Likes Received:
    Interesting... Odd too... You seem to have redeemed yourself... Although I still demand Mary Sue's death...

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