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please read!

Discussion in 'Story Board Workshops' started by simpsonsfan, Jan 5, 2007.

  1. simpsonsfan

    simpsonsfan Froakie - Bubble Frog Pokemon
    Staff Member Moderator

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    Here is Chapter 1 to a story I have been working on. Hope you like it.

    Chapter 1:The Beggining
    "Sam, can I copy your homework?" asked Jake

    "Not again you have to stop playing video games!" replied Sam looking very annoyed. Just then Mr.Draco came walking in and slammed the door.

    "Quite!!!!" bellowed Mr.Draco over all the chatter of the room."Please, get out your homework?"asked Mr.Draco.

    As Mr.Draco walked around the clutter filled room Jake talked to Sam."How did you forget about the homework?" inquired Sam looking frustrated at Jake.

    "I kinda forgot when I started playing Zelda. You know how much fun that game is."replied Jake as he unwrapped a gum wrapper.
    "Zelda! Fun! Since when is that fun."she answered rolling her eyes.Sam knew Jake was annoying but she just put up with him because they had been friends since 3rd grade and they have a lot of crazy adventures.

    Mr.Draco came walking up to Jake's graffiti covered desk and asked "So, Jake where is your homework"

    Jake looked up at Mr.Draco who was glaring at him with his fire red eyes.Jake gulped and forced out "I didn't do it"

    "That's the fourth time this week how does a phone call home sound."Mr. Draco said looking really irritated with Jake."No how about a detention instead.Well with that said let's go to lunch."

    In the crowded cafeteria Jake lined up behind Sam. Without realizing it he tripped over Sam's ankle knocking him and Sam to the floor.To make matters worse she had just gotten a tray with spaghetti on it. So, now her brown hair and white long sleeve shirt was covered in tomato sauce.Glaring at Jake she screamed "Jake, what is the matter with you."while she pushed herself up.

    "Sorry I wasn't watching where I was going "replied Jake casually.

    "Sorry still doesn't get this stain off my shirt" she screamed at Jake. Sam thought why does Jake embarrass me all the time by just walking. I guess Jake is just out to get me.
    Jake staggered to his feet and joined Sam at the table she was sitting at. Jake asked Sam "Aren't you going to get more spaghetti?"

    Sam replied sarcastically "No, why would I want to spill it again!"

    "Okay. So, can you believe Mr.Draco gave me a detention and is going to call my mom." Jake whispered to Sam .

    "You deserve it since you never do your work and expect to get excused from it. Also, maybe you should try to work hard since the mid-year exams are Monday." Sam said in a whisper so no one could hear her.

    "Mid-year exams are Monday!!!!!!" Jake bellowed and the whole noisy cafeteria went dead silent.

    "Jake, quiet!" Sam cried while looking around to make sure no one was glaring at there table. Sam thought this is why I don't have any friends because I'm the only one who puts up with Jake. Jake needs to learn to keep things to himself. Then maybe I wouldn't be the only one who puts up with him."Maybe after school we could study for the exam together. But, this time I'm not helping you on everything just because I'm really good at History." Sam said.

    "Sure, I need a lot of help." Jake said looking very happy to have someone to get all the answers from.

    "I know that smile. Sam shrieked looking upset. I'm not doing all the work Jake."

    Then at that moment the bell rang "Screech" blaring throughout the cafeteria.

    "That bell is so annoying!" Sam said to her best friend Diane.

    "I can tell you something else that is annoying, Diane whispered while turning around and pointing at Jake who was wearing a red Red Sox sweatshirt, jeans and heelys, Jake!!!""Why do you put up with him?"

    "He can be annoying at times but, he is the first friend I had. Sam whispered to Diane while walking to her next class, Spanish. This is the only class Sam didn't share with Jake because he thought learning another language was a waist of time.

    At that second Mrs. Varquez the Spanish teacher came in and slammed the door bashing Clark. Clark is the school bully who is part of the Skulls a group made up of him, Crush (a.k.a. Mark) and Skull (a.k.a. Sean) the leader of the Skulls."Mrs. V. how can you slam me in the door." Clark said rudely while kicking the door. Then he went up to Mrs. Varquez and told her how he spent his day loud enough so the whole class could hear. When he finished he stormed out of the class room and shouted "I'll be back Monday."

    "Well now thanks to Clark we are out of time. We will just finish this Monday enjoy your weekend." she said as she walked over to the door and opened it. Sam and Diane got up and fought there way out the door and down the hall to the entrance. As they walked home Jake trailing them because Diane refused to acknowledge him or let him talk to her and Sam.

    Please tell me what you think and give me sugggestions.
     
  2. JazzyChick

    JazzyChick Bass players are misunderstood

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    okay, its a great start but it could be at a minimum 3x as long, probably 5. if feels like you're giving a list of actions and dialogue rather than telling a story. flesh it out, give it some body. (my minimum chapter length is 2,000 words)

    just a couple other things:

    "Dialogue shouldn't be written like this," Jazzy Chick said. Then she did a dance. "With two different 'speaking' verbs and actions," she added after the dance.

    "Try something more like this," Jazzy suggested. Then she danced some more and added, "With the action in the middle of the dialogue."

    While a bell does make noise, but it doesn't speak so instead of: the bell rang, "screech"
    maybe try: the bell rang with a screech.

    My last comment is when you wrost "Crush (a.k.a. Mark) and Skull (a.k.a. Sean)....
    "It might be better to work their real names in using dialogue," Crush suggested.

    "Speak for yourself, Mark," Skull teased.

    "Fine, Sean maybe I will."

    or you could work it into a description, just the information in parentheses(sp?) doesn't flow well.

    Anyway, hope I was helpful. Keep writing! :anime: :D :anime:

    -JazzyC
     

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