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Help with Star Wars Fic

Discussion in 'Story Board Workshops' started by Agent S7, Jan 4, 2005.

  1. Agent S7

    Agent S7 Destined to Rock

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    OK, here’s what I have so far of the new story I’m writing, entitled “Star Wars: Tales of the Talon. I’d like feedback for I post this on the main Storyboard. Thanks, ~AgentS7

    Star Wars:
    Tales of the Talon
    By AgentS7


    DURING “A NEW HOPE”


    THE EMPIRE, A DANGEROUS GROUP OF MASS MURDERERS, SLOWLY BEGINNING TO INFECT THE ENTIRE GALAXY. UNFOUNDED RUMORS ARE FLYING THAT THEY ARE TRYING TO START SOME KIND OF MASS RECRUITMANT, WHICH COULD BE AN INCREDIBLE DANGER TO THE REBELLION. MEANWHILE, ON THE RAPIDLY DECAYING CITY-PLANET TARIS, A BATTLE BETWEEN A BOUNTY HUNTER AND HIS PREY RAGES…



    Mathius Talon was in a difficult position at the moment. He was hanging on to the back of a swoop bike, desperately trying to climb to the pilot. The pilot of the swoop was a serial killer named Redar Smuth, alias the Demonkiller. Demonkiller had recently blown up an entire apartment full of civilians, while his usual target was Imperial bases. Not that Mathius liked the Empire. He loathed them. He just wanted to avenge the murdered innocents. This was also his living. He was a bounty hunter, so he needed to make money somehow. And now his mind returned to the present. He heard Demonkiller laugh maniacally, followed by the sounds of blasting. He was shooting everyone near him, innocents…Imperials…and he wasn’t even shooting at Mathius! That put Matt into such a pissed off fury, he jumped up onto the swoop bike. Demonkiller let out a grunt of surprise before his neck met Matt’s vibroblade.

    Noticing the swoop bike was about to crash, Matt jumped off of it, and the bike exploded to bits, blood and metal flying everywhere.

    Another day, another job.

    He walked towards the flaming mess he had created and noticed a small datapad, slightly damaged but overall intact. Out of curiousity, he picked it up. He activated it, and suddenly a sharp pain rushed through his body. He screamed, and slipped into unconsciousness.



    ---
    (That’s all I really have so far, so please give me feedback. Thanks, ~S7)
     
  2. Barb Gordon

    Barb Gordon Nin-Mod

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    Owwww my eyes! ;) Might want to rethink the yellow font opening there, sweety.
    Story looks very interesting! Only two things, beyond the yellow font, really caught my attention.
    First, why do you suddenly switch to calling Mathius "Matt"? It can throw a reader slightly off because you never mention it as a nickname and suddenly you start using it for the character. Is it your own nickname for the character or a nickname he actually uses?
    Second, the line of "a pissed off fury". It's rather redunant and just repeating the same emotion with different words. Fury implies that the person is angry or very upset. Pissed off means the same thing. Redundancy in writing does help to bring a point home...you really want to show that he is angry, but perhaps you could find some other word combination for it?

    Just my thoughts, takes them as you will. Looks really cool!

    ~Barb
     

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