Batman: Hell's Army [PG-13]

Discussion in 'World's Finest Writer's Corner' started by Lil' Joker, Aug 3, 2004.

  1. Lil' Joker

    Lil' Joker Knight in Batman's service

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2002
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    I had posted this on another forum but it didnt get much replies so I think I'll post it again. The person that responded in the other forum said it was great! :anime:

    Without further adue....here is my latest BatFic


    Black Gate Prison

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    9:47PM

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    Mon.,August 9 2004

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    ACT 1

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    "Listen, I know mister...Joker has had a record lately but--" A man in the shadows of a dark office said with his hands folded, papers and folders infront of him, along with a mugshot of Convict # 34971...The Joker. "Record? RECORD!?!" An older man said slamming his hands on the desk and jumping out of his seat. The other man tried to grab a green folder but it was snatched from him by, with his face near the lamp, James Gordon. " Six eleven twothousand and four...." He continued with a gruff voice. "Orphanage bombed...bomb hidden in toy jack-in-the box. Twenty-Seven killed Nineteen wounded...the rest of the twelve bodies never found." "I know but--" The Atourney broke in. "God damn it, Foxxine! Thats Fifty-Seven innocent children died in less than five seconds! He is a sociopath!" Gordon yelled, yanking off his glasses.

    "But sir!" Mr. Foxxine yelled grabbing the door knob. "He's changed...." He said, turning the door, only to be blown back into a chair by the door flinging open. "Hello! Remember me, Jamesey poo?" A man in a orange jumpsuite with slick dark green hair squeked. "Keep him away from me!" Gordon yelled pulling out his silver revolver. "Now, do we really need to resort to violence?" Joker continued under his breath "Although that is the best way..." And he let out a short chuckle.

    He reached for the pocket inside his coat where he usually stored a small, big barreled revolver. Gordon shot his hand as it felt around for something. "AAAaaAaAahHHhH!" Joker shreiked as the white hand with blue fingernails flew to the floor and blood spurted from the wound. "Good lord!" Gordon yelled getting up out of his seat. "Ahahahaha!" Joker laughed as his real hand pulled out of his sleave and a blood packet dropped to the floor.

    Gordon let out a sigh of releif. "Good god, Joker! You know how to scare a guy!" He said putting a hand on the wall and sitting downly calmly. "Oh, right. My card!" Joker said quickly reaching back into his pocket, pulling out a lamenated card. "Let me see that!" Gordon said snatching the card away.

    -------------------------------------------------------

    DR. HARLENNE QUINZELL

    58230 Suncrest Blvd.

    "Guareteed cure of insanity in 5 weeks or less!"

    ($40 fee every week)

    --------------------------------------------------------

    "Dr.Quinn hardly qualifies as a real psychologist, but she did have very good behavior before we let her on parole." Gordon said handing back the card. Gordon picked up the phone and pressed a button on it. "Ms.Carel, can you scedual a meeting with Dr.Quinzell for me.....yes,Harley...yes...okay thanks...bye." He hung up the phone. "Well, Mr.Joker, your in luck, this Sunday I'll talk to your psychologist, and if she proves your new found sanity, your--" He developed a lump in his throat "free." he continued. "Goody Gumdropps!" Joker said clapping his hands together and bouncing.

    Black Gate Prison Confrence Ward

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    3:10PM

    >>>>>>>

    August 15, 2004

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    A blonde haired woman with a white coat and black shirt and dress walked into a brown walled room with a big window and a desk with papers. "Commishioner?" She said softy, looking around the room. "Jame--Ah!" She yelled as a hand clasped her shoulder. "Yes?" Gordon said taking his hand off of her shoulder. "Glad your here..." Dr. Quinzell said falling into a chair.

    "Likewise." Gordon responded, taking a seat and looking through his desk drawers. "Aha!" He said pulling out a laminated card. "Ah, yes, my card..." Harlenne said grasping it. "When I was put on parole I decided the kill Harley...Go back to ol' Doctor Quinzell...Joker is a phyco...a monster...but I dont beleive that leaves cant be turned over..." Dr.Quinzell said with a sigh. "I dont beleive that either Harl, but Joker is the closest thing, if not a demon to ever walk the Earth. Hell, Joker's mind is probobly more twisted that SATAN'S!" Gordon said in a slightly calmer voice.

    "But still I cured--" Harlenne started. "Demons can't become angels, what part of that do you not comprehend?" Gordon interrupted. "Listen to reason, James! I'm not saying he should be able to walk the streets again. I'm saying that he should be thought as a HUMAN BEING, For God's sake!" Harley said bashing her fists on the desk. "Okay. Fine..." Gordon said rubbing his head with his middle and index fingers. "But it will be your head if he kills anymore innocents.." He continued.

    "This meeting is over." Harley said getting out of her seat and grabbing her leather handbag. Gordon got out a file photo of Joker and inked up his parole stamp. "Dont forget this..." He said gruffly handing Dr.Quinzell Joker's photo, with 'PAROLE GRANTED' stamped in blue ink over his demonic trademark smile. "Good God, what have I done?" Gordon whispered tilting his head, facing the window that overlooked Gotham City. Harl counted the numbers as she worked her way towards Joker's cell.

    "D-497, D-498, 499, 500....502." she said skipping a number. She twisted the handle twice, put in the activation code, pushed, then pulled the heavy steel door on the cell.

    Outside Gotham City Hall

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    7:48PM

    >>>>>>

    August 16, 2004

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    "Hay! Ho! Do'nt let 'em go!" A crowd chanted waving picket signes. Some read 'My brother/sister/father/son/mother died by Joker's hand' while others had crudely drawn picture of 'joker's face + Freedome=NO'. Some were even fireing muskets into the air.

    Inside Gotham City Hall

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    7:51PM

    >>>>>>>

    August 16, 2004

    /////////////////////////

    "God, when will they stop?" Mayor Hill said looking down at the crowd. The Mayor made his way down the the Private Servailance Room and talked to the guard sitting at the monitors, watching. "Release th--" Hill started, only to be interrupted by a blast that shook the building, causing ceiling tiles to fall. "Oh my lord!" The Guard said looking in shock at the screen. There was a huge explosion and people were running and collapsing.

    "What should we do, Si-SIR!" The Guard said before looking at Mr.Hill's bleeding body tangled in wires and being splintered with wood. "Someone light the BatSignal!" The Guard yelled down the half destroyed hallway before being knocked out cold by a falling steel support beam and tiles. "Augh! Ah! Uhn!" Mayor Hill yelped trying to untangle his legs and chest and push the support beams off him. "Oh God, someone help me, PLEASE!" He yelled through a split in the wall, then a power serge was sent through the wires and baked him alive. The final bits of the City Hall fell down and burnt, and then it was just a pile of loose wires, boards, and smouldering corpses.

    Inside a purple Taxi Cab

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    7:02PM

    >>>>>>>

    August 16, 2004

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    "Did you take care of him,Harl?" A deep, sinister voice said from the shadows. "He's been smoked like a turkey on Thanksgiving day!" A woman in a black and red leather suit said, fitting on a jester-like mask. "Did you remember to make it look like a Suicide Bomber?" He inquired again. Harley sighed "Yes, puddin, I did everything you told me...". Joker stepped out of the cab "Were here, Harl!" He said "Where?" She asked. "Lady Pink's Bar-&-Grill" He said pointing to a rotting sign with fading colors, but you could make out a lasy in a pink tube top and panties.

    Lady Pink's Bar-&-Grill

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    7:05PM

    >>>>>>>

    August 16, 2004

    ////////////////////////

    "What a cheery place..." Harley said sarcasticly, looking at the dusty tables, the busted stage lights, and whiskie bottles on the floor dating back to 1918. "I've got it covered." Joker said bringing in random stuff, like a plastic joker head, some teddy bears, neon bars of green and purple, a wooden statue of batman with arrows stuck in him, and some lightbulbs. After all these were put in place, it looked like the Carnival hideout, only smaller, and this one smelled of old alcahol. Joker took a swig from one of the 86-year-old bottles "Don't you just love it?". Harley cringed as he gulped down the watered down substance from the dusty bottle.

    "Now, what are we going to do for goons?" Harley asked ploping down into a dusty covered chair. "Splicing, my dear, splicing!" He said motioning for people to come out. Two men that looked like they had been dead and rotted for a long time stepped out infront of Joker. "May I introduce you to--" He continued pointing to the left "Mayor Hill!". He now had pale skin, bits of grey ruffled hair around his head, and wore a purple clown suit with yellow spots and a matching hat along with a bazooka "And--" He continued pointing to the right "Autorney Foxxine!".

    He had purple face paint, ruffled strands of purple hair, and a sledge hammer. "Oh! There ADORABLE!" Harley said wrapping her arms and legs around Foxxine's chest, smacking him with a wet kiss on the cheek. "How about you two go have some private time?" Joker said motioning towards a Janitor's Closet. "Okay!" Harl said excitedly. "Private! Your name is now Snap! Make sure Gordon dosnt make it through the night!" He said trying to act like a millitary general.

    G.P.D Headquarters, Room 405

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    7:28PM

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    August 16, 2004

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    Gordon sat calmly in his arm-chair typing a report on the afternoon bombing. He was suddenly grasped by the throat and thrown out a window and onto a building below. When the clown slammed down onto the rooftop, Gordon pulled out his revolver but received a kick in the jaw, sending him flying into the pavement below. As cop cars approached the body he fired his bazooka at them, instantly turning them into a burning mass of steel framing. After admiring his 'work', Snap turned around and was punched down into a cop car.

    Batgirl then dived down and punched him somemore. She was grabbed up by the skull and thrown into a jewelry store window, only able to watch Snap run for the docks. "Nightwing! I need you at the docks A.S.A.P!" She yelled, pressing her cowl's ear. "O.K, I'll take the jet!" he said before the radio snapped off.

    Gotham City Harbor

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    7:35PM

    >>>>>>>

    August 16, 2004

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    "End of the line!" A man on top of a wooden roof said, grabbing Snap by the colar. "No!" He hissed and sucker punched Nightwing. "There.." He said, only to be kicked in the face by Nightwing as he flipped himself back up on the roof. "No!" He yelled pounding Nightwing onto the roof and doing so three times, repeating the same line between the beatings. Snap received a punch in the muscular gut, but it only shattered Nightwing's wrist.

    Before he recovered from the broken wrist, Nightwing was suddenly proppeled through the boards on the dock and into the icey Gotham water. "Hahahahaha!" Snap laughed in triumph "Hahah-UK!". He had a leather rope twisted around his throat and was yanked onto a nearby ship's poopdeck. "Wanna cross a black cat on a full moon?" A woman said kneeing Snap in the jaw. "I certaintly wouldn't!" She continued, revealing herself to be the one and only, Catwoman.

    "You think I can't handle a little puss like you?" Snap said getting into a karate pose. "Puss?" Catwoman said tauntingly "Could a simple pussy cat do this?" She said sinking her claws deep into his face, slowly scraping them down to his chin. "Ya-Aaaaah!" He said while covering his wound, leaving his chest voulnrable to many kicks and scratches. "No! Please stop!" He pleaded,climbing a ladder to the top level of the ship. Catwoman quickly backflipped onto him and sucker-punched him down the the poopdeck, then she put all her wait into a flying kick the make the mast fall along with him.

    Catwoman swandived into the ice cold water and grabbed Nightwing up. "Please dont be dead, kid.." She said while pulling him back on the dock and recesitated him, but it soon turned into an open-mouthed kiss. Soon the squad cars arrived just as Nightwing regained conciousness. "I gotta go." Catwoman said, stomping on the roof of a car and dashing around the corner. "Get the kid to a Hospital!" She yelled just as a cop tackled her to the ground.

    Gotham General Hospital Intensive Care

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    11:36AM

    >>>>>>>>

    August 17, 2004

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    Dick Grayson sat up in his bead to eat the little ham sandwich that was given to him. Oracle had came earlier in the day, she took the situation of her father being near dead very emotionly. "Hi." A wavey black haired woman said sitting on the edge of his bed. "Selena..." He said weakly. "Bullock let me off easy, seeing as I saved the life of one of Batman's understudies." She said looking him straight in the eye. "I'm curtainly no understudy..." He said with a little sliver of anger, throwing down his sandwich.

    "Dont stress yourself out, kid.You need rest." She said moving closer to Dick. "All I remember is kicking a big muscular mass, then something happened, then a sharp cold pain went up my spine and I passed out." He said trying hard to remember what happened. "They didn't ever find the clown's body, my guess is he went back to his boss--" She was interupted "Joker!" He said with blind fury "When I find him he will die!" He swore. "Don't hurt yourself, again, Dick." She said, pecking him on the cheek and leaving. It was a nice change being called 'Dick' instead of kid, Dick thought

     
  2. Kylewayne

    Kylewayne Mrs. Outlander00

    Joined:
    May 1, 2001
    Messages:
    3,810
    Location:
    Gotham city, Canada
    This was an interesting read. I have some questions though if you do not mind me asking to help me better grasp the storyline and plot :)

    How did Mr. Foxxine get caught by the Joker and company to become his lackey? James Gordon seems a bit out of character to me. Him letting the Joker out on parole. Also, Gordon believing that Harley has reformed? I do not think Jim is that stupid. Overall, I am quite pleased that you put in the effort to write this story. It,s an easy read with not too many grammar errors. Just a tinsy few tense errors nothing major. The story flows well in itself and I hope you post more of this story =D After all, I wan't to see what the Joker has planned. =D

    Take care and keep up the good work!
     
  3. Lil' Joker

    Lil' Joker Knight in Batman's service

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2002
    Messages:
    284
    Location:
    Closer than you think...
    To answer your questions, Joker has his ways of kidnapping people. Maybe he shot and killed him, after all, it does say that the two spliced clowns looked dead...

    and as for Gordon being OOC, I had to make him like that, I mean, what did you want? Another 'Joker breaks out of jail and wreaks havoc on city only to be thwarted 2 days later by Batman' fic?
     
  4. James

    James Administrator Moderator

    Joined:
    May 5, 2001
    Messages:
    31,398
    Location:
    UK
    Generally, if you have to make a character do something OOC do create the plot you want, you have to find a very good reason. If you don't want to break that suspension of disbelief the reader requires when reading fiction you have to justify it. The justification has to be more than "cos any other way is dull".

    If you are going to try break the mold - do it with style. KW here has highlighted an issue when she read it. Rather than getting too defensive, take the advice on board and use it to make an even tighter story. She's just pointed out what she felt didn't work. See if you can do another part you write in some justification for the act which does work.

    Nothing wrong with doing something OOC - as long as you can somehow back it up. Those sort of stories make the most interesting ones of all. Don't justify yourself, take on the board the advice and make the next act even better!
     
  5. Lil' Joker

    Lil' Joker Knight in Batman's service

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2002
    Messages:
    284
    Location:
    Closer than you think...
    I promise Act 2 is more interesting. It might be a while before Act III because I just started writing it, I had already finished Act Two when I published Act One.

    ACT 2

    Lady Pink's Bar-&-Grill

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    5:30AM

    >>>>>>>

    August 18, 2004

    ////////////////////////

    "Harl?" Joker said with a yawn. "Harl!" He repeated banging on the Janitor Closet door. "Mhuh? W-What?" she said creeping up to her feet. "Did Snap ever return here?" He asked still very sleepy. "Oh, no. I didn't hear the door open." Harley said waking up Mr.Foxxine. Mr.Foxxine found an old remote behind the bar and snapped on the ancient T.V collecting dust in the corner.

    "--Peir last night. Supposedly a big boned fat man sent Nightwing into intensive care after Catwoman was found recesitating him on the docks." Summer Gleason continued "A local fisherman has this to sa--". Joker clicked it off with a pop of sparks floating to the ground. "The bastards probobly in JAIL, now, or lost." He continued motioning Harley to come near him "Please go get the little phone inside the bar...daddy needs to make a few death threats!" He said pointing to a dusty 20s looking phone. "Here ya go, puddin'!" She said stretching the cord over to him. He dialed the crank 448-666-130.

    "Hello, Arkham, more people will die unless you stop the search for Joker...Fine, then! The golden gates just got another reservation!" He yelled, slamming the phone to the ground, half busting its ancient frame. "Foxxine, your name is now Skik." He called out orders "Harl, go to Francis' Good Will and buy a black dress, red highheels, facial cream, vanity make-up,and a frilly wig.". "Okay!" Harl said putting on sunglasses and taking off her costume.

    Lady Pink's Bar-&-Grill

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    7:04AM

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    August 18, 2004

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    Harley walked in with a brown bag and poured the contents on one of the small tables. "Perfect." Joker said putting on a dark red curly wig and powdering on the peach colored facial cream. "Who do you want murdered?" Skik asked looking at him strip down into red boxers to fit on the black dress. "Nancy Gordon." Joker said picking up a .45 revolver with brown padding on the handle. "Why not kill James at the hospital, puddin'?" Harl asked.

    "That would lead to nowhere. Killing him would just widen the search for me, I want to kill his wife so he will be struck close to home, and maybe call off the search." He said loading his gun with a clip with 4 bullets. "Pretty smart." Harl said opening the door for him.

    Sundays Apartments Durelect

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    7:42AM

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    August 18, 2004

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    Silence. The only sound is the bluejays chirping in the far off oak trees. "God, woman! Wake up!" Joker whispered looking at a sleeping woman from a bush with binoculars. The woman stretched her arms and pressed the off button on her radio. Joker ran up the fire-escape and shot through the glass window into Ms.Gordon's upper spine. "Damn it!" He cursed, sending his leg flying through the glass as Nancy screamed in horror of being shot.

    "Shut up!" Joker yelled, firing into her neck once and her head twice. Nancy was dead on the bathroom tiles. Joker laughed demonicly. "How'dya feel now, Jamesey-poo?!?!" He yelled looking at her lifeless, nude, body. Joker smashed the security camera with his fist and it spewed out the tape with shards of it everywhere.

    He ran out of the room and into an alleyway looking for something or someone to fool the cops. "Goody gumdrops!" he yelled as he saw a stoned 16-year old with a joint inbetween his clutched fingers. "Agh...u...uh...?" The teen babbled as his eyes slowly opened. "N-No! No! Please! Mercy! Plea-" The stoned boy yelled as he ran and tripped over a trashcan. "Shut up!" Joker yelled as he kicked the teens head to the wall.

    Joker then put the weapon that killed Ms. Gordon into his hand and took the boy to the purple cab.

    Gotham General Hospital Emergency Room

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    8:06AM

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    August 18, 2004

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    Dr. Harnet wheeled a stretcher into the double doors and told one of his workers "Found her floating in the lake inside a trashbag that was slit.". As two of the doctors were filling reports, a white gloved hand slipped from under the velvet cover and stuck two magnets at each side of the metal detector, frieng its hardrive. "Ok, lets get this thing to the Morgue." Dr. Harnet whispered as he wheeled the corpse into an elevator.

    Meanwhile, Harley was dressed as a nurse and slicing a huge hole into the bottom of the elevator with a welding torch. It popped as the gas was turned off and the doctor and joker fell through the bottom of the elevator. She screamed as she feel down about 20 feet to the hard steel top of another elevator going up.

    "What in the hell?" Dr. Harnet yelled as he stared into Joker's green eyes and possesed smile. "We'll make a deal with you." Harley said pointing the barel of a shotgun up the doctor's nose. "Yourlife in exchange for our service...." Harley said jamming the gun up his nose more. "What do you mean?" The doctor inquired. "We mean tha--" Joker was quickly cut off by a shrill scream from Harley as the steel shaft ceiling inched closer to them.

    Afew seconds later the steel elevfator smashed into the hard ceiling, making it combust in red and yellow fire. The four people inside the elevator went flying in opposite directions as Harley screamed to her death, and Joker and Dr. Harnet barely escaped with their lives. As the clown prince entered an operation room, all the doctors hit the floor in fetal positions and were gagged, bound, and eventually killed. "Don't worry, I won't kill you, Doc, but it might sting a bit..." Joker said taking out a briefcase of brain surgery tools and a silver gigachip. Screams of pain and horror suddenly filled the once quiet halls of Gotham General Hospital along with the loud sound of a drill and demonic laughs.

    Gotham P.D Rooftop

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    8:22AM

    >>>>>>>

    August 18, 2004

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    " The sun hasnt even been up for two hours now, and already 10 people dead, one woman was found at the lake, but were not sure if it was suicide or murder." Gordon grumbled as he looked the Caped Crusaider right in the eyes. "I knew Joker was up to something, damn, why was I so daft last Sunday?" He said, a tear coming to his eye. "Joker will die. By Sunday, he will be rotting in the crypt, I swear it." Batman said gruffly, slanting his eyes. "Nothing will bring back Martha or the Mayor...." Gordon said, his hands covering his soaked eyes. "I swear it." Batman repeated.

    Fire Escape on G. P. D East wall

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    8:24AM

    >>>>>>>

    August 18, 2004

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    Catwoman rested her back on the warm brick wall that was illuminated by the sun. It usually wasn't her thing to be up on the job this early, but there was a diamond and ruby glass bracelet that she had to have. The Meuseum of Devine Jewelry had not yet opened, so she grasped the opertunity, and now was evading the police. While hugging the wall in the shadows she had heard Gordon and Bats talking about her nemisis. "Joker..." She hissed as she sprung away from the wall and into a window.

    Grapevine Apartment number 6-A

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    8:26AM

    >>>>>>>

    August 18, 2004

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    The snoring was enough to drive the sanest person star craving mad. Catwoman creeped into the dimly lit bedroom of a happy couple in their fifties with intent to rob them blind. The doors to the dresser wouldnt budge, so Catwoman took her whip and swung it around the knobs, then yanking it off its hinges. She gazed at the glittering necklaces and wads of hard cash and credit cards along with elegant satin dresses. "Jackpot..." She whispered as she heard an annoying beeping sound come from the bed.

    "****." She hissed as she saw a hand with a jewel incrusted bracelet tap a button on the alarm clock. Catwoman rolled under the bed and watched the shadow of feet walking around the bed. "What in the world?" An old voice said while looking at the doorless closet. "Jack, come see this..." She said, motioning towards her husband. "Creatons. I'll get my gun, if you see anyone, hit them with the lamp." He said walking out of the room.

    Afew seconds later he was back with a loaded rifle. Catwoman took this chance to spring from under the bed and swiftly kick the gun out of his hands as it released a bullet. "Jack!" She screamed as the gun was pointed at his forehead. "On the floor!" Catwoman yelled pointing the rifle to the quilt infront of her. Minutes later she was nowhere to be seen and the couple was tied up by the neck to the ceiling, bound and gagged by Catwoman's whip.

    Lady Pink's Bar & Grill

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    9:45AM

    >>>>>>>

    August 18, 2004

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    "Introducing the newest member of 'Hell's Army'..." Joker said with his hands out towards the bar. "Chuckles!" he continued as a thin brainwashed person in a blue sparkly leotard and pink fluffed hair stepped out of the janitor's closet. "Kill...Batmun...Kill..." He repeated in a trance as Joker pressed buttons on a remote that was pointed at Chuckles' forehead. Joker laughed his trademark demonic laugh as Chuckles went braindead. "Every man, woman, and child in Gotham shall be noble knights in Hell's Army!" He yelled up in the air "And Batman and Boy Blunder will be rotting in Hell!".

    G. P. D Rooftop

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>

    9:50AM

    >>>>>>>

    August 18, 2004

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    Batman had seen a dark figure hoping along the rooftops earlier this morning, and he was going to find it. The figure front flipped from a ledge of a building and on to the ground. "Stop!" Batman yelled as he glided down with his leather black cape. The chase went on for about twenty minutes until Batman found himself being strangled with a thick black bullwhip. "Bruce...Don't try to stop me! I'm looking for Joker!" Catwoman said as she yanked her whip towards her, pulling Batman along with it.

    She pulled her mask off and tucked it in her leather bealt. "Lets not be the Bat and the Cat for once, okay?" She said trying to yank Bruce's mask off also. "How did you know who I was?" Bruce asked throwing his cowl to the floor. "Same big brown eyes, smooth lips...it was a given." Selena said trying to kiss Bruce. "No, lets get back to buisness." He said sternly, pushing Selena off of him.

    "Poo." She said under her breath "Do you have any info on Joker's whereabouts?". "The Circus and the Carnival are empty, he's a very crafty phsycho..." He said calmly. "I've hidden in a couple of abandoned places before, maybe we could check those out..." Catwoman said trying to remember names off the top of her head. "Well, in 1989 I hid in Fisher Bob's Crabshack...and in 1993 I was in a run-down apartment...'97 I hid in Lady Pink's Bar...." She said with her tongue on the top of her lip trying to think. "I'll try those places later, its too early to be Batman." He said slipping his cowl and cape back on.

    Catwoman did the same and slowly slinked away. "Aw, what the hell..." She said yanking Bruce's arm towards her and kissing him for afew long seconds. "Now I have to figure out who french kisses better, the Boy or the Bat..." She said as she hopped off the building onto a window sill.

     
  6. Kylewayne

    Kylewayne Mrs. Outlander00

    Joined:
    May 1, 2001
    Messages:
    3,810
    Location:
    Gotham city, Canada
    A few spelling mistakes here and there. Also, it would be for your your best interest to take SJJ's advice.

    Story is good, but I feel that something is lacking from it, like the characters...you might have well characterized some of them but they lack depth and that may hurt your story in the long run.

    Take into consideration that the people who post here are posting to help you improve your writing skills. As i said your story is good and you do have good ideas so keep on writing :)
     
  7. Juice

    Juice Do Unto Others...

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2003
    Messages:
    40
    Location:
    Essex, England.
    Re:

    I think this is a really great fic, one of the few that's really held my attention. The story unfolds slowly, but steadily. Though I have to agree that some of the characters personalities seem a little askew, especially when Batman swore that the Joker would die... the good guys generally have a zero-tolerance policy on killing... and James Gordon has been made out to seem a little weaker than he actually is... It might just be me being picky because I'm a massive Batman fan.

    You seem slightly bias towards the villians, I noticed that you have thier characters more-or-less perfect and you've even put a darker twist on a lot of the good guys, it's refreshing, if a little untrue to thier characters.

    Still, this is a really great fic, your style is simple but effective, while dark and a little steely. I urge you to keep on writing. :)
     

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