New Looney Tune story: "Erased To The Finish": part 1!

**Matthew Hunter** · 05-22-2001, 06:32 PM

"Erased To The Finish"-by Matthew Hunter

PART I:

Open on Bugs Bunny’s rabbit hole, on a pleasant spring afternoon. Bugs is dusting off an old film projector.

Bugs Bunny: “Hmmm…I haven’t used this thing in a long time. It ain’t that I don’t like watchin’ myself in action, but What else have I got to do? Say, dat reminds me…I ain’t the only character to ever grace da silver screen in the Looney Tunes series. It’s been close to 30 years since the last regular production of them. Gosh, I’ll bet there’s quite a history.

-his telephone rings. Bugs answers, it’s Daffy Duck on the other end.

Daffy: “Hey, Bugsy neighbor. No, I don’t wanna borrow a cup of black strap molasses and there’s no gun-toting friend here to see you, it’s worse this time. I tell you, it’s truly dethpicable”.

Bugs: “Ehhhh, what’s up, duck?”

Daffy: “It’s Porky Pig…he’s….disappeared!”

Bugs: “Check the ice cream shop…he always liked those ice cream sodas.”

Daffy: “No, ya stupid rabbit! I was WITH him, and he just faded away, as if the very ink he was comprised of just vanished!”

Bugs: “What, ya mean he just faded out in front of your eyes?”

Daffy: “Yes! Yes! He did! Just as I was asking him to help me pull weeds in my cat-tail garden…”

Bugs: “Oh, I’d disappear too if I were asked to do somebody’s yard woik for them.”

Daffy: “Arghhh! You idiot! You thtupid rabbit! I tell ya he just faded away…and he wasn’t doing it all….just…the majority of it.”

Bugs: “ehhh…hmmmm…It couldn’t be that sneakin’ Pete Puma…I don’t think he likes ham. Same with dat Coyote….He has a pretty strict poultry diet. And I didn’t do it…only time I ever erased anybody it was you, and after I’d had my fun I drew you back to normal.”

Daffy: “Ho ho, ha ha. Yeah, that was REAL funny…That “screwball” flag you stuck on my tail still haunts me. Easy stomach….”

Bugs: “Look, doc, I’ll tell ya what I’ll do. If he doesn’t show up by morning, I know some cops from up in Brooklyn, they’re the best in da country. If anyone could find Porky they could. I’ll call Muldoon.”

Daffy: “No, don’t bother finding Pork- Breath…just get me FBI protection, okay? Secret Service! Bodyguards! The Armed Forces surrounding my house! Steel armor siding!”

Bugs: “Relax! They couldn’t get you too…”

Daffy: “Ahhhhh! Where’s the rest of me! My leg! My lower half! Ahhh! I’m loothing my featherth! I-I’m turning transparent….I…woohoohoohoohooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!”

Bugs: “Daffy! Pal! SPEAK to me!”

-dial tone sounds

Bugs: “Yipe! Either Daffy just gave me one heck of a prank phone call or there’s somethin’ screwy goin’ on around here! I think I know who to ask about this…assuming SHE hasn’t disappeared!”

Bugs climbs out of his hole and hikes down the road into town. He comes upon a quaint little suburban house, goes up to the door and rings the bell. A little old lady, Granny, answers.

Bugs: “Good afternoon, Granny! I’ll skip the small talk, We got a problem. I understand you’ve done some detective work in the past and….”

Granny: (interrupting): “No! Uh-uh! I don’t do that gumshoeing stuff anymore! Not since the WB Network gave me that detective show and then cancelled it! You’ll have to ask my cat and bird! They still do that sort of thing! I wish I could help you but I’m retired…I knit throw rugs now.”

Bugs: “Well, okay doctress. Just let me talk to ol’ Sly and Tweety, okay?”

Granny: “Go right ahead, little bunny!’

-Bugs enters the next room, where he finds Sylvester Cat asleep on the rug.

Bugs: “”Hey, Sylvester! Sylvester…wake up. SYLVESTER! Hey, doc! WAKE UP!”

Sylvester: “Wha-wha-huh? Bugs Bunny? What’re you doing here? When YOU come talk to me it’s usually something important like a toon council or thomthing.”

Bugs: “That’s not a bad idea. I like it…but I’ll need your help to assemble everybody.”

Sylvester: “But I didn’t think of it, I just thought that’s what you were going to talk to me about.”

Bugs: “Not exactly. Porky Pig and Daffy Duck disappeared today, and I need your help to try and find them. Being a cat and all, ya might just see some clue I can’t.”

Sylvester: “Did you try the ice cream shop? Porky likesth to go there thometimesth…and that duck…never can tell with him, but you know, here today, gone tomorrow…which desthcribes his mind adequately too! Hahaha!”

Bugs: “Here we go again….no, Daffy called me and said he had witnessed Porky actually DISAPPREARING, and then he did himself while he was talking to me!”

Sylvester: “Don’t be Thilly! It wasth probably one of histh cruel prank calls…like the time he imitated Speedy Gonzales and threatened to play that Guadelupe flute for me when I had a busthted tailbone!”

Bugs: “No, he was serious! And that’s two in one day, we could be next!”

Sylvester: “Hmmmm…maybe they got abducted by basthketball-playing aliens from the planet Moron…”

Bugs: “UH-UH! We don’t need to go there. Well, it did make lotsa moichandise and money, but still…that was an AIR-owing experience.”

Sylvester: “Yeah…and I think the secret stuff wore off.”

Bugs: “You didn’t hear the heavy handed moral about sportsmanship and believing in yourself, did ya? You know, you had da stuff in ya the whole time?”

Sylvester: “Nope.”

Bugs: “Neither did I! Hahaha! No, seriously…we got us a problem…we haven’t seen characters disappear like dis since dat time in the 80’s when some freak came up with a turpentine dip and tried to blot out another certain rabbit who will remain anonymous….”

Sylvester: “I get the point already…what cluesth do ya have?”

Bugs: "None yet, doc, except the obvious...we've got some disappearin' pork and poultry on or hands!"

-Tweety flies into the room.

Tweety: "Ooh, I tawt I taw a bunny wabbit!"

Bugs: "Yeah, and as I was tellin' Sylvester here, we got a problem. As we know, Daffy Duck and Porky Pig disappeared today. They presumably disappeared within an hour or so of each other, and the only possible cause is that they were erased somehow. We gotta find out how and who did it!"

Tweety: "What a wevolting devewopment! Da piddy and da duck disappeawed?"

Bugs: "Yep, and we have no clue....or at least, 2 of us don't!"

Sylvester: "Watch it carrot brain, or I won't help ya!"

Bugs: "Well, okay. But we still ain't got a clue what happened. I suppose we oughtta take inventory and make sure nobody else is missin'...You guys better help me call up a meetin' of everybody who's ever acted in a Looney Tunes cartoon, and let's find out!"

Sylvester: "But EVERYONE?! I don't even know EVERYONE....the whole thing sthtarted back in the 30's, I've only been around since 1945!"

Bugs: "Well, I would say ask Daffy or Porky...they're the only ones I know who've been around since the very beginning! Hey! Dat's it! Both the victims happen to be the most experienced cartoon characters in our series....that would mean that they have a common link, in fact they were costars in old black and white flicks long before I was around! Well, I guess 1940 is good enough, and I know some other guys from before then, so we'll get a pretty accurate count."

-open on a big auditorium, with Bugs and Sylvester at a table on the stage, and hundreds of LT characters from all over the place are crammed into the seats. In the first few rows are the major characters like Elmer Fudd, Yosemite sam, Wile E. Coyote, Tweety, Speedy, Road Runner, Tasmanian Devil, and others, and hordes of other lesser-known players , from the Dover Boys of old P.U. to Egghead, are seated everywhere in subsequent rows.

Bugs:"Listen up, docs! I've called you all here because two of our most popular pals have disapppeared today. They were erased from the scene, completely eliminated in thin air. Porky Pig and Daffy Duck are missing...and if there is anyone who knows about their disappearance or has any information about who did it, SPIT IT OUT, STUPID!"

Elmer Fudd: "I don't have anything in my mouth, mister wabbit, besides, spitting in pubwic isn't sanitawwy!

Bugs: "No, I don't mean what's in your mouth...it's a figure of speech."

Elmer Fudd: "Oh."

Speedy Gonzales: "Senor Conejo, are not senor Daffy and senor Puerco the oldest of all of us? I am one of the youngest, but I know they are muy viejo!"

Wile E. Coyote: "Yes, it does not take a super genius like myself to see that the two in question are the most experienced in our troupe, as mister Pig first joined in 1935 and mister Duck two years later."

Sylvester: "Yes, we know that, but what doeth it mean? They can't be THE oldest. They're justht the oldest to us...the main pioneers...and I think there's a fellow here tonight who is the oldest here. His name is mr. Egg Head Fudd, and I believe he can tell you that there is not really much thignificance to the age thing."

Egghead: "hyuckhyuckhyuck!! It's amaaazing, but it's true. They are not the oldest of all, and even then it would not make much difference. I was the star of a bunch of Merrie Melodies in the late 1930's, in the same day as Porky, drawn by a guy named Tex Avery...then he created Bugs and Daffy and discovered my grandson, Elmer, and that was the end of me. Oh, woe is me. But I remember hearing some legends of other stars in the early 1930's when the series is believed to have started...apparently they were uncontrollably greedy for money and former musicians, so they were not incredibly talented actors, and did not last long. I think a few moved to other studios, and others just faded away, nobody knows for sure, and they're not part of our council anymore, never have been. Once the Warner Brothers studio found Porky Pig, they put him in a starring role as a straightman and worked from there, nobody's heard from those earlier folks since. Believe it or else! Hyuckhyuckhyuck!

Bugs: "Yeah, I hoid about them guys, but they were so close to the dawn of our time they would probably be dead by now...cartoons don't die, they just fade away, but that happens when they get dusty and forgotten, and I guess that's what happened to them. They were black and white, I think...Daffy used to tell me he remembered the black and white years, he was in some black and white cartoons, but heck, he's missin' so we can't ask him. Anyway, that's one clue, the common background thing...but WHO rubbed Daffy and Porky out? WHO would do such a thing?"

Yosemite Sam: 'Well, whattabout you, ya idget varmint? Mister "I'm popular and get a front page Wall-Street Journal spot because I'm politically-incorrect? Why, you consern lopeared bucktoothed son of a !@@$#! I nearly got ya with them stupid injuns, it was one of my best moments...but cause you hadda go and make JOKES, the whole performance got cut! I hates rabbits, an' I hates injuns too! Now YOU and ME will be forgotten if them polecats at the TV stations keep a-goin' like they are now!"

Indian Chief: "Red Whiskered White Man, big hot-headed fool"

Yosemite Sam: "Aw, Shaddap!"

Sylvester: "Ah-Ahem! Back to buthineth....we have to thearch for the fiend that cauthed thtith regrettable inthident! I thuppothe we mutht all thplit up!"

Wile E. Coyote: 'I have a splitting headache, is that sufficient?"

Sylvester: "No. In fact, you might justht be a better detective that hunter...I athume that headache isth from a falling ROCK. Try out your detective thkills, and find those crooksth! As for the restht of you, do the thame! Thearch your own realms of the Looney Tuneiversth, and leave no rock unturned, even if it happenth to be on a coyote's HEAD!"

Bugs: 'I want a full report tomorrow, same time, same place! And If there are any more disappearances, I'd like to hear of them, too!"

Elmer: "Be vewwy vewwy quiet, I'm hunting evidence! Huhuhuhuhuh!"

Speedy Gonzales: "Andale! Andale! Epa! EEEEHHHAAA! I weel search far and wide, senor, and I weel take senor Roadrunner weeth me...I theenk we are the fastest here...we can cover great deestances at very short times!"

Roadrunner: "Meep Beep!"

Bugs: "That'd make a good team. Dat's it, guys, teamwoik! Try to split up into various teams, two or three heads are better than one...or in some of your cases equal to one! Hahaha!"

-everyone leaves the auditorium and splits up to search for possible suspects, leaving no rock, anvil, or outhouse unturned.

-Bugs Bunny, Yosemite Sam and Elmer Fudd formed an uneasy teamup, and went off to search the Acme Woods, Bugs Bunny's usual home.

Bugs: "Hey, guys, come here! Look at this!"

Sam: "What in tarnation did ya find, varmint?"

Bugs:" Well, it's not much....but...it's an old pencil with a freshly used eraser!"

Elmer: "Oh, well, maybe someone dwopped it then."

Bugs: "Tanks for statin' the obvious, doc. No, it's an animator's pencil, but the funny thing is, it's an OLD one. The wood's all buckled, the metal part around the eraser's rusted."

Sam: "So what? It was probably in some idget's pocket and when they dropped it it rained and it ruined the pencil."

Bugs: "I don't think so, doc. look how freshly used the eraser is, and look at the copyright date toward the end here....193--I can't read the last number, but it's definitely a 1930's item, and if it'd been left here that long, it would'nt even exist! It's been kept somewhere safe for a long time and recently used."

Elmer: "Wewl, that doesn't pwove much. Someone pwobaby took it out of a dwawer somepwace and used it, didn'
t weawize how old it was."

Bugs: "Well, I could be wrong, but I think this is how they disappeared, and there is some undeniable connection with the 1930's....but I can't place it, doc."

-Meanwhile, Road Runner, Speedy, and Speedy's cousin, Slow Poke Rodriguez (on the desert bird's back) ended up on the open road through Acme desert. An interesting shiny item caught the eye of Road Runner.

Roadrunner: "Beep Beep!"

Speedy: "Hey, you saw something, senor? Que es?"

Slowpoke: "I see it, Speedy! Eet is an old mandolin!"

Speedy: "That ees an odd item to find lying around...an old Mexican mandolin...mi abuelo used to have one of these. He tell me when I was leetle that they would play them in cantinas back in old Mexico."

Slowpoke: "What seems so funny about it is that eet is gray colored...you would theenk it's be colorful, weeth old fiesta colores and elegant carvings of the day, but thees ees colorless! And it hasn't been here very long...It hasn't collected dust like I do when I try to walk to the store!"

Speedy: "hmmm....not really much connection weeth senor Daffy or Porky, but I weel carry it back anyway. Come on, we must hurry back!"

-Sylvester, Wile E, Coyote, and Tweety split up to search the Warner movie lot, particularly the auditorium in which the previous meeting had taken place, and some soundstages.

Sylvester: “Well, not too many cluesth here! But I did find this…a little gray derby hat.”

Wile E.: “Well, it is not much, that is certain. It’s a beat-up old derby hat. People do not even wear such dated headgear anymore, except for a few of us cartoon characters…but it’s not either of those Fudd’s hats…they prefer brown.”

Tweety: “Hey, puddy-tat! I taw tometing! Fowwow me!’

-Tweety leads the cat and coyote into an old film vault. On the wall are pictures of the LT creators, everyone from Friz Freleng to Chuck Jones to Art Davis, Bob Clampett, and Norman McCabe. Dozens of shelves and stacks of old reels are collecting dust , and an old projector stands in the middle with a screen in front and an old bench to sit on.

Sylvester: “Why, it’s all our old movies! This must be the Looney Tunes cartoon archives! Thay, not that this ithn’t interesthting, but what does it have to do with Daffy and Porky?”

Tweety: “Well, there’s some old papers here, and dey tay dat Porky Pig’s first cartoon was in 1935. Daffy’s was in 1937. It also tays dat dey both were wesponsible, under the direction of Mr. Tex Avery, Fwiz Fweweng, and Wobert Cwampett, for making Wooney Tunes Wooney. In da pwocess, dey managed to dispwace some old-school actors, dey mention a puddy tat and a widdle vaudeviwwian boy. Dat’s da cwosest we’ve come so far to anyone with antipathy toward da victims.”

Wile E.: “Poppycock. That was, what, close to 65 years ago? I know of no such actors, they must have been fired permanently. And who in the world would hold a 65-year grudge? (Other than
Daffy Duck against Bugs Bunny?)”

Sylvester: “Hey, look! I’m playing a cartoon! It’s ME! Look! I’m chasthing you, Tweety! Oh, no, pleasth! Not the anvil!! You thtupid canary! Don’t do it! NOOOOO! Almostht had ya there! Hahaha!” (develops a slick grin)

Tweety: ‘Uh, oh, you dot dat wook in your eyes, puddy…no, don’t make me have to give you your anti-appetite meditine…”

Wile E. (grabbing Sylvester by the tail): “Snap out of it! We have got to save our friends, if you want lunch, go open up a can of Tuna or something! WILL power, boy, WILL power!”
Sylvester: ‘Will power, that’s it, will power. I-I gotta getta holda mythelf…Gotta control my craving! Thatsth it! WILL power! I have WILL power! I don’t wanna eat him, I don’t wanna eat him, I doooooooooon’t wanna eat him….”

Wile E.: “Good, see that you don’t. However, you may have found a valuable clue. I see that these films are chronologically ordered. 1935 and 1937, you say? Let’s try Porky’s first film. What’s it’s title?”

Tweety: “I Hadn’t Dot A Hat”, a color Mewwie Mewodie. It says dat all future Porky Pig films until the 1940’s were in bwack and white Looney Tunes, and he soon put da puddy tat called “Beans” out of a job.”

Wile E.: “Hat…hat….Aha! Here it is! Genius, that’s what it is, sheer genius! I’ve found the film! Sylvester, take this and set it up for viewing!”

Tweety: “Hey, wook, no wings! No shield bouncing at my widdle eyes!”

Sylvester: “Thufferin’ Thuccotash, did Porky join “Body Solutions” or something? He’s sure more sthvelte now!”

Wile E.: “Observe that cat closely…he looks like he was star material. He looks suspicious to me…observe his attitude toward his school friends here…as this appears to be a school show and tell day scene. Primitive, childish, absurd, but the cat is obviously seeking to steal the spotlight.”

Sylvester: “Well, that’sth typical of my spethies, always trying to be the best.”

-looks like puddy tat twouble....
-to be continued
-Matthew