The History....OF DELAWARE!
Firstly, this was originally posted up at the Encyclopedia Histeria! board a long time ago, but I found this sketch again. It's one of my favorite sketches I wrote.
WOW-World's Oldest Woman
F. Time-Father Time
BFB-Big Fat Baby
Now, thrill to the exciting history!
(We see Charity, in her pilgrim uniform, in a grassy spot. BFB is being himself in the background)
Narr: And now the complete and unabridged history of Delaware!
Charity: At first, the state of Delaware was the home to the Lennae Lanape indians.
(Suddenly, a bunch of your typical looking Indians rush into the screen ala the Viking Horde and run off it, running over BFB on the way. They then come back in with wood and building supplies, and start consructing buildings as dust falls over the whole screen. When the dust clears, we see BFB under a longhouse, except for his feet, which wriggle.)
Charity: Then in 1638 the Swedes invaded. They built the first log cabins in America.
(The Indians look off screen, scream, and in a dust storm run off, taking the long houses with them. BFB looks pretty beat up)
(Suddenly, a shadow falls over BFB. He looks up, screams, and tries to run off, but a log cabin smashes him. Suddenly, dancing Swedes, like the ones from the history of Poland, come in, dancing around the log cabin)
Charity: Then in 1643 Johan Printz came in and founded Ft. Christina, now Wilmington. He weighed about 400 pounds.
(A very, VERY fat man comes in, and enters the cabin, which now slouches into the ground under his weight.)
Charity: But the Dutch invaded in 1654.
(Johan sees out the window, screams, and waddles off with the dancing Swedes. Some Dutchmen in pilgrim uniforms and Dutchwomen in Charity's outfit and wooden shoes come running in ala the Viking Horde, smashing the log cabin and running off screen. We see a screaming BFB get thrown up into the air, and then fall back down to the ground face first. He looks pretty beat up.)
Charity: Then came the British in 1664.
(A screaming band of Redcoats come, and runover BFB.)
Charity: But the Dutch invaded again in 1673. And once again, the British took back Delaware in 1674.
(We see BFB look up, only to see the Dutch horde invade from the left side of the screen. He gets run over again, but a second later the Dutch horde is running away from the British horde, and both groups go over BFB.)
Charity: Then came the Pennsylvanians in 1682. They ruled Delaware until 1707, when Delaware won independence.
(A horde of Pennsylvanians in colonial uniforms, but among them Ben Franklin, Rocky the Boxer in his usual outfit, and Will Smith, come running in. BFB tries to hold up his arms to protect himself, but to no avail.)
Charity: For about seventy years Delaware had peace.
(BFB looks up shocked and happy, and dusts himself off)
(BFB and Charity walk a bit to a statue of a small colonial-suited Julius Caesar riding the Mr. Ed Horse)
Charity: One of Delaware's claims to fame is that one of its represenatives to the Continetial Congress, Caesar Rodney, had ridden in rain from Wilmington to Philadelphia, despite illness, to sign the Declaration if Independence. Unfortuantly, during that time the British invaded Wimington.
(the British Redcoat horde rushes in, generally destroying the statue and decapitating the head, and once again running over BFB in the process. The horse torso falls onto BFB, while Charity proceeds to sit on Caesar's now decapitated head.)
Charity: Delaware's other claim to fame is that it was the first to sign the Constitution, thus making it the first state. But soon, came the biggest invasion of all-the PASSERBYERS.
(We see BFB, who had pushed the Horse torso off him, hear this, and just give a defeated look into the camera.)
(Then, a car runs over BFB, and we QC to the car, which has F. Time driving with WOW in the passenger seat)
(F. Time simply shrugs, not even looking toward WOW as she speaks)
(QC to Charity and a REALLY beat-up BFB)
Narr: Be here next time when Big Fat Baby helps show us the history of TNT!
(Suddenly, as Charity looks on boredly, BFB sees a stick of TNT thrown to him from off screen. He tries to run away, but an explosion happens, a la the old Looney Toons explosions, filling up the whole screen. It then blows away to reveal a black charred BFB, who looks woozily at the camera, then faints. Fade to Black)
Sketch Copyrighted by Bourgeois Buffoon
So what did you think? Being a native of the said state, I felt it deserved its own topic, and this sketch has a special place in my heart. And yes, Delaware was once SWEDISH.
Signature. A noun. It is, in internet terms, a series of words, phrases, and pictures at the end of every post used to make posts more fun to look at and show the user's uniqueness.
....I wish I had a decent one.