SG: C2C "Wacko" (w/Paul Dini)

[Maxie Zeus]

Note: Every Dini quote or action comes from an on-line interview. If I'm feeling obsessive-compulsive enough about it, I'll go back and put in the URLs to the original interveiws as links.

Live action shot: A running shower. MOLTAR (superimposed) stands under the water.

MOLTAR: Mmmm. Oh yeah.

Live action shot: Soap hits the shower floor.

MOLTAR: Damn. I mean-- Damn. (rumbles) They always say-- I mean, you shouldn’t-- (rumbles) Ah, screw it! I’m going for it.

Live action shot: Glimpsed through the shower curtain, the bathroom door opens. A shadow creeps up as Moltar talks.

MOLTAR (O.S.): Yes, sir. I dropped the soap in the shower. And I’m bending over, in the shower, to pick it up. Here I am, picking up the dropped soap.

The curtain rips aside. A dark, featureless cut-out shpaed like a familiar superhero (superimposed) holds a raised butcher knife. Violins do a Psycho SHRIEK.

MOLTAR (O.S.) screams

which bleeds into the OPENING THEME AND TITLE.

THE SET

SPACE GHOST invisos in.

SPACE GHOST (Hitchcock voice): Gooooood eeeeevening.

MOLTAR (O.S.): SHUT UP!

SPACE GHOST: Whassamatter, Moltar? Didn’t get your pants back from the cleaners?

MOLTAR: I said, SHUT UP!

SG: Anyway, I thought you said they were flame-proof.

THE CONTROL ROOM

MOLTAR: Oh, that is IT! I’ve put up with your crap--

SG: It’s not my crap that was the problem.

MOLTAR (continuing): --as long as I can. I’ll send out the guest, and then I -- am -- outta here!

He pulls the control lever and PAUL DINI appears.

MOLTAR: Cartoon writers. Feh!

THE SET

Space Ghost is at the desk, looking over at ZORAK.

SG: You put me up to it.

ZORAK (evilly): That’s right. That's because you do everything I tell you to.

SG: Stop it. Stop it! You’re inside my head again!

ZORAK (laughs): That’s right. You’re the one who blows everything up. Mayhem and death and destruction. Not to mention the really crappy TV specials.

DISSOLVE TO:

TV TITLE CARD: "SPACE GHOST: IT’S BEGINNING TO KILL A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS."

ANNOUNCER (V.O.): Now, say hello to Space Ghost’s next victim, Perry Como.

DISSOLVE TO:

THE SET

ZORAK (laughs): But me-- Why, I wouldn’t even harm a fly.

SG: Why will no one end this madness?!

The TV monitor springs to life: Paul Dini.

PAUL DINI: They don't want to horrify children any more than they've already been upset or confused or scared by what's happened already.

SG: Holy metaphor for something I can’t think of just at the moment! It’s Paul Dini!

Dini bobs head up and down.

ZORAK: Cartoon writers. Feh!

SG (to audience): Paul Dini has written for all the great superheroes in this business. Ahem, except for me. (To Dini) Paul, what’s Superman got that I haven’t?

PD: It might sound stupid now, but as a kid, I really loved the fact that Superman had a dog.

SG (laughs): You’re right! That does sound really stupid! Say, isn’t it great we’re off to such a great start, agreeing and stuff? Maybe now you’ll write some of that golden material for me. What do you think, Paul?

PD: To be honest, I thought superheroes were kind of mean.

SG: Excuse me?!

PD: That's probably the weirdest answer you'll ever get.

SG: Well, yeah. Superheroes aren’t mean, Paul. We’re tough. And tenacious. And yes, extra careful when it comes to using those plastic chopsticks they give you with takeout. That’s because you have to be brutal when you’re dealing with hardened customers like Zorak and Moltar.

PD: It just gets to the point of rampant paranoia.

SG: It’s the villains, Paul. What don’t you understand about this business?

PD: There are evil people in cartoons.

SG: Yes. That’s my point. And thank you for understanding. So, we agree there are evil people in cartoons. Ever want to take a good thwack at them?

PD: There are a lot of characters I love a lot that I'd love to take a shot at.

SG: Well, be my guest. Take a shot at Zorak, if you want.

ZORAK (blinks): What?!

PD: Not at present.

SG: Suit yourself. But it’s fun!

Space Ghost SHOOTS Zorak. Zorak EXPLODES.

SG: See what I mean?

PD: I'd try to see the villains as real people who had, for whatever reason, gone nuts and yet retained some small windows of sanity and humanity.

SG: Zorak doesn’t have any of those.

PD: Occasionally the better aspects of their true selves become visable for a few seconds within those windows.

SG: I told you, Zorak doesn’t have any of whatever it is you’re babbling about.

PD: Apart from that, I enjoy chewing through a good mystery now and then.

Space Ghost looks at Zorak. Zorak rolls his eyes.

SG: So . . . You’re saying I should make little windows in him?

PD: Yes, lots.

Space Ghost SHOOTS Zorak.

Repeatedly.

PD: Can you downplay the intensity of gunfire in this scene?

SG (obsequious): Sure, Paul. Whatever you say. Speaking of which, what advice does the Emmy Award-winning creator of the criminally sexy Dr. Harleen Quinzel have for Space Ghost, intergalactic dreamboat and star of his own talk show?

PD: Try to come up with a different angle or a story that comes out of the recurring characters' personalities rather than a plot contrivance.

SG: So, like if I killed Zorak?

ZORAK (gapes): What?!

SG: Not just blasted him. Killed him. For keeps.

ZORAK: Uh, Paul-- Whatever you do, don’t encourage him. He’s the easily suggestible type.

PD: You don't want to exploit a bad situation just for shock value to give your ratings a little boost.

SG: That wasn’t a straight answer, Paul. Like Zorak said, I’m the easily suggestible type, but you have to make it clear for me. What’s the best way to make my show a hit?

PD: Sorry, there's no such thing.

SG: C’mon, Dini. How can I get the coveted, "young male, ages 18 to 35" demographic?

PD: They might not watch a talk show, but they'll watch something funny, they'll watch something a little more extreme.

SG: So you’re saying I should go ahead and kill Zorak?

PD: I don't know. I'm not at this point, but I don't want to rule anything out.

ZORAK: Uh, Paul. Tell him not to kill me. Uh, it wouldn’t be good for the show. And it would be really bad for me.

PD: We want the show to be good, so we really can't afford individual ego on it.

ZORAK (shaking fist): Screw you, Dini!

SG: No, he makes a good point, Zorak. If you’re willing to die for your country, you should be willing to die for your talk show.

ZORAK: I haven’t got a country to die for, you Nimrod! I’m an intergalactic outcast and criminal.

SG: Wait for it, Paul—

ZORAK: I’m a pariah! An outlaw!

SG: Closer, closer—

ZORAK: I am the devourer of all that is good and wholesome in the universe—

SG: Here it comes, any second now—

ZORAK: I am the Lone Mantis of the Apocalypse! Think of –

Bells ring. Balloons and confetti fall.

SG: Congratulations, Zorak! That is the one hundred and seventeen thousandth, two hundred and fifty-third time you’ve uttered your "Mantis" battlecry! And to celebrate this auspicious occasion, Paul, tell Zorak what fabulous gift you’ve brought for him.

PD: Sorry, there's no such thing.

SG: Didn’t I tell you to bring a gift, in case Zorak won a prize this evening?

PD: Yes, lots.

SG: But you didn’t bring any.

PD: No, sorry.

ZORAK: You should have brought me a script, Dini. A pilot I could show the network that would get me out of this crummy gig!

SG: Paul Dini writes for Batman, Zorak. And Superman. And the Joker. He’s not going to write anything for a lame ass villain like you.

ZORAK: Well. . . Maybe he could tell me who would.

PD: I really like anything by Evan Dorkin and Sarah Dyer.

ZORAK: They’re writing for Dr. Nightmare.

UNISON: Attorney at Law.

PD: I try to write at least three or four myself, usually team up with Alan Burnett for another one or two, and then sort of kibbitz on various others.

SG: Would you be interested in writing for my show?

PD: No, sorry.

SG: Why not?! My people sent your people a tape, didn’t they? What did you think of it?

PD: I was thinking, This is garbage-

SG: Whachoo talkin’ 'bout?!

PD: —for one thing, the design style of the show is terrible. It's derivative of a number of different sources. And the characters are just not funny in and of themselves.

SG: We’re not supposed to be funny, Paul.

PD: No, sorry, not at present.

SG: Not ever. This is a serious show.

PD: I definitely feel it's headed down a different path.

SG: What kind of path is that?

PD: The tape made me cry.

SG: Oh, that was probably from the bloopers from my old action show that were on it. We put those in for a laugh –

PD: The show had nothing to offer in and of itself, it was just cutaways to other shows to – to have threadbare gags on other concepts, on other shows. It was just a show that was just groveling in the swill of popular culture.

Space Ghost growls.

PD: And at the same time, I'm wondering, God, why did they put this on the air? The show doesn't have a laugh in it. If I want to look at a clip of an old show, I'll watch that old show.

SG: Oh. I see. And what did you do after you got through feeling so smugly superior to me and my little program?!

PD: Went home and spent three months (bobs head up and down) just slamming...my head...into my desk...and screaming.

SG: So why did the network pick us up for another season, Dini?! Huh?! Whaddaya say to that?!

PD: Animation for television has basically been raped by network executives who don't contribute anything to the process.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Maxie Zeus]

PAUL DINI: Bruce and I wound up doing a few cartoons together, including parodies of Psycho and Batman which were worth a chuckle or two.

SPACE GHOST: We’re back. And talking with Paul Dini about Bruce. I haven't been paying attention, but that’s probably Bruce Wayne, international jet-setting playboy who’s really the Batman, defender of Gotham City and archenemy of the Joker, the Penguin, Two Face and coochie-coochie girl Charo, am I right?

PD: A few new villains will appear as well, including Calendar Girl, a mad geneticist called Farmer Brown (our weirdest villain ever!), and a mysterious vigilante called The Judge.

SG: Hot diggity dog! Any chance I could appear on your show, so the audience could size up my powers and costume against the Batmans’?

PD: What new powers and new costume?

SG : No, I didn’t say I had a new costume or powers, Paul. I asked if I could take my old, classic powers and costumes and show them off on your show.

PD: No, sorry.

(beat)

SG: I think we’ll edit out this part of the interview.

PD: That's just the way of business. Sorry.

SG: What way is that?

PD: It's all about big shrimp in this town, Jim.

ZORAK: Who’s Jim?

PD (continuing): If you don't have big shrimp at your party, you're in animation. You're nothin’. You're just makin’ cartoons.

SG looks at Zorak

SG (thinking): He’s right. It looks like shellfish, but it’s really just an enormous vermin. (voice rising) It is just animation. I am just a nothin’. (Aloud, shouting): I am just makin’ cartoons!

SG shoots Zorak. Multiple explosions. At the end, Zorak is upside down in his pod, feet sticking up.

SG (thinking): Oh, good Lord! What have I--? (aloud) Mother! Mother! Blood!

PD: Yes, lots.

SG: You put me up to it, Dini! You told me I should kill him! I would get big ratings! You lousy, stinking . . . cartoon writer!

ZORAK (V.O.) (played over Dini): That’s right. You do everything I tell you to. (laughs)

Space Ghost screams.

PD: Not at present.

SG (thinking): Get a grip on yourself, Tad. You’re not the one here who’s crazy. You’re not the one who hears voices in his head. (gasp) Who said that? Anyone there? Maybe it’s just an echo. (clears throat) Mi mi mi mi mi. (aloud) Paul, did you hear that echo inside my head?

PD: If you are asking, am I delusional, the answer is probably yes. For what it's worth though, I'm having fun!

SG: Well that’s great, Paul. But I’ve got a dead body to dispose of. You know, Zorak had an option coming up. I don’t think Turner was going to renew it. So if we can just cover this up until then we’ll be in the clear.

ZORAK (O.S.) coughs. Space Ghost blasts him.

SG (yelling): If there's one thing I won't stand for, it's a corpse that won't stay dead! (thinking) Now, how am I going to make Zorak look like he’s still alive? (aloud) Paul, do you have any skills that might be helpful here?

PD: I was a taxidermist.

SG: Perfect. I’ll get some sawdust and glue and chemicals, and you can mount him. Give him a good snarl, so it looks like he was charging when I blasted him. I’ll just lift him up. . .

Space Ghost exits. From O.S. we hear the SQUEAK of pulleys, the CRANK of levers, the GRUMBLE of motors. Then CLASH and CLATTER.

SG: Hmm. He’s heavier than he looks. Uglier, too. Uh, little help here?

PD: No, sorry.

CAFETERIA

Moltar sips from a cup.

MOLTAR: I dunno. Maybe I overreacted. He only meant it as a joke. (sips) He said he was sorry. Am I too proud to accept an apology from Space Ghost? (sips; laughs) Besides, that gaseous rip to his face was payback enough. Took him an hour to scrub off all the soot.

THE DESK

Dini and SG.

SG: There, I think that’ll work. No one should notice the difference. As long as the head doesn’t fall off again.

Sound of heavy CLUNK O.S.

PD: I think that on one hand you don't want to scare kids, but on the other hand, how long are you going to bury your head in the sand and pretend that these situations don't exist?

SG: All it needs is a little duct tape.

SFX: "Quack!"

SG (nervously): Anyway, maybe the network won’t mind if my bandleader’s a grinning corpse. Leno’s not broadminded enough to hire one as his bandleader.

PD: They don't want to horrify children any more than they've already been upset or confused or scared by what's happened already.

SG: You’re right. I better hide him away till this blows over.

THE CONTROL ROOM

Moltar enters and waggles the control stick. The set appears onscreen.

MOLTAR: Hey, Space Ghost.

Space Ghost screams and falls.

MOLTAR: Sorry, dude.

SG: I thought you quit!

MOLTAR: Well . . . I changed my mind. Can I have my job back?

SG: Fine. You can start with a two week vacation.

MOLTAR: Sweet.

SG invisos out. Then invisos in again.

SG: And don’t go snooping around in the fruit cellar.

MOLTAR: Uh, okay.

He waggles the control stick. Dini appears.

PD: Thanks for all the great questions. They were all very interesting and thought provoking.

MOLTAR: He’s gone. It’s me, Moltar. So, what did you think of SG? Kinda of a nut, huh?

PD: I wasn’t going to say that, but I'm glad you did.

MOLTAR (laughs): Yep, he’s one crazy dude.

PD: He's absolutely a sociopath.

MOLTAR: Well, that’s a little harsh.

PD: That's my official quote on him.

END CREDITS

Film: Psycho (finale). Vera Miles opens door and steps into the fruit cellar of the Bates house. She sees Mrs. Bates and steps forward.

MOLTAR (V.O.) (badly dubbed over Miles): Oh. Zorak.

Miles steps forward.

MOLTAR (V.O.): Zorak?

She looks down. Her hand reaches out and touches the shoulder. ANGLE back on Miles.

Switch to cartoon: A figure, iron grey hair in a bun. It jerkily swings around, revealing dead Zorak, grinning, with eyeless sockets.

Back to film: Miles, leaps backward.

Moltar (V.O.) screams.

FADE OUT.

THE END.