The Fox and the Crow in "Shakespearian Screwy"

[Pietro]

Since the first one was so successful, I thought I'd make another "Fox and Crow" chainlink story. This one's called "Shakespearian Screwy." Please note that Fox's personality in this story is very, very Shakespearian! Now, on with the fanfic!:

"Shakespearian Screwy"

(Opens on Fauntleroy Fox's mailbox. Fauntleroy runs out
and grabs the mail. He looks through the mail a finds a
letter from "Shakespearian Actors Inc.")

Fox: YIPEE! OH JOY! It has come at last!
(Reading the letter) Dear Sir, You have a load of
Shakespear books comin' to ya!

(Just then a package arrives.)

Delivery Man: Mr. Fauntleroy Fox?

Fox: Yup.

Delivery Man: Here.

(The Delivery Man throws a bunch of books into
Fauntleroy's arms.)

Fox: BOOKS! BOOKS! WONDERFUL BOOKS!

(Fauntleroy sets the books on the floor in
his house.)

Fox: To read or not to read? Fah! What a question!

(Just then a knock is heard at the door, it's Crawford Crow)

Fox: Who knocks at yonder door?

Crow: It's me Foxie ol' chum!

Fox: Oh no it's that CROW! I can't let him see my books,
he'd rip them apart!

Crow: Come on Foxie!

Fox: I'm busy right now.

Crow: I've got a gut feeling dat he's up to somethin'!

(Crawford spies on Fauntleroy up in a nearby tree.)

Fox: To be, or not to be! That is the question! Egad! What a book!

Crow: Well what do ya know, he's practicing Shakespear drammers!

(Crow flies down from the tree and comes up to Fauntleroy's window.)

Fox: Alas, poor Eurich, I knew him well.

Crow: BOOOOO!

Fox: DON'T DOOOOOOO THAT!

(Then a cloud forms over Fauntleroy's head, "He's the Crow - you dope!")

Fox: Oh no, it's that *Crow!*

Crow: Hi ya Foxie!

Fox: Sho, fly away, vamoose! Go!

Crow: Nope, I ain't goin' no place!

TO BE CONTINUED.......

[Jack]

Mr. Fox: Well, if you won't leave, I'll shut you out!

(slams window shut, but the window right next to it flings open. The Crow then shows his face through that wondow.)

Crawford Crow: Ya still stink!

Mr. Fox: OOOOH (runs over and slams that window shut, but the other wondow flings open by itself. When he shuts that window again, the second window flings open. As Mr. Fox rushes to reclose one window, the crow pops up in the other one.)

Crawford Crow: Quit while yer ahead, foxie!

(Fox slams window, other window flies open)

Crawford Crow: You can't act worth beans!

(Fox slams window, other window flies open)

Crawford Crow: Your face would work for radio, though...

(Fox slams window, other window flies open)

Mr. Fox (to the audience): That crow won't hold me back from my dream of becoming a Shakesperian actor because I've got moxie! Hmph!

Crawford Crow: Well, you better let Moxie go, he probably can't stand yur actin' either!

Mr. Fox: Grrrr!

(The Fox runs off in a blur, and returns with a hammer and a box of nails. He then nails each window shut.)

Mr. Fox: Now to get back to my reading!

(Both windows, held shut by hundreds of nails, force themselves open one last time, breaking both of them. The crow flies through one of the broken windows, landing in front of Mr. Fox.)

Crawford Crow: Ah! What flight through yonder window breaks!

The Fox picks up the Crow by the tail and neck, and starts carrying him to the door.

Crawford Crow: Please don't toss me out ol' buddy, I'll be a nice, noble kinsman from now on.

Mr. Fox: Ah, parting is such sweet sorrow! (Tosses crow into the mud.)

To Be continued...

[Jon Cooke]

If anybody needs to brush up their Shakespeare for this Fox & Crow adventure, you can visit: http://chemicool.com/Shakespeare/ See? The Fox and Crow can be educational!!

Anyway, on with the story...

----

Later...

Fox is reading from one of his books.

Fox (reciting from "Hamlet"):
"... So, gentlemen,
With all my love I do commend me to you:
And what so poor a man as Hamlet is..."

There's a loud knock at the door.

Fox: Oh, goodness, I wonder who that could be? Just a minute...

The knocking continues.

Fox (getting a little annoyed): Coming, coming, just a minute...

He answers the door and it's the Crow dressed up in an oversized Shakespearean-era costume. Of course, like usual, the Fox doesn't realize that it's the Crow in disguise.

Crow: Greetings, bud!

Fox: Who are you??

Crow: Don't ya recognize William Shakespeare when ya see him??

Fox: William Shakespeare?? But aren't you ... uh... (gulp) dead?

Crow: Nah, dat's just an urban legend. I was just passin' through da neighborhood an' heard somebody massacring me plays. P.U.!!

Fox: Oh dear, Mr. Shakespeare was I really THAT bad?

Crow: Listen, chum... what you need is actin' lessons!

Fox: Acting lessons?

Crow: Certainly! An' what better person to give 'em to ya than ol' Shakespeare himself!

Fox: I suppose....

Crow (interrupting): So, it's a deal. An' it'll only cost ya two dollars!

Fox (shocked): Two dollars!?! Don't you think that's kind of steep, Mister Shakespeare?

Crow: Call me "Willy", bud.

Fox: Alright... (pause)... "Willy", don't you think two dollars is a bit high?

Crow: Well, it's yer choice. (Heads to the door) If you don't wanna be one of them great actors, then suit yerself. Goodbye! (about to close the door)

Fox: Now, now, now, wait a minute, Willy, let's not get hasty. (Sigh) I'll pay... (hands "Shakespeare" two dollars)

Crow: You won't regret it, bud!


TO BE CONTINUED!!!
-----

[Pietro]

Fox: I won't?

Crow: Nope. Ya won't won't regret it, foxie! Er...uh, can
I call ya Foxie?

Fox: Sure Willy!

Crow: That's William Shakespeare, bud!

Fox: Whoops! I'm sorry if I've offened you, Mr. William Shakespeare.

Crow: Please, call me Willy!

Fox: Well, uh....(pauses)....OK!

Crow: Then let's move on chum! Foist Lesson, repeat
dis line after me, "What light through yonder window breaks?"

Fox: What light through yonder window breaks?

Crow: Terrible. Try it again.

Fox: What light through yonder window breaks?

Crow: The was.......AWFUL! Again, please.

Fox: What light through yonder window breaks?

Crow: YER KILLIN' ME! Again!

Fox: What light through yonder window breaks?

Crow: Again!

Fox: What light through yonder window breaks?

Crow: Again, and dis time put some feeling into it!

Fox (Starting to get frustated): What light through yonder
window breaks?! There! I suppose you're happy!

Crow: Yes very. Here repeat dis other line
after me, "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet!"

Fox: A rose by any other name would smell as sweet!

Crow: What da heck was dat! Act! Do it again!

Fox: A rose by any other name would smell as sweet!

Crow: Shakespeare.....er....I mean some other poet, who died,
would be rollin' in their grave, if dey hoid you! Again!

Fox: A rose by any other name would smell as sweet!

Crow: I tink ya need a little more woik, Foxie!

Fox: Well, uh....OK!

Crow: In other woids, ya stink!
See ya tomorrow for da second lesson!

Fox: But, Mr. Shakespeare or uh...Willy! I can
improve look! I can do Hamlet! Look! Thou art a scholar; speak
to it, Horatio! Oh please I can improve!

Crow: Ya still stink!

(Crow shuts the door)

Fox: So much for him!

TO BE CONTINUED....

[Jon Cooke]

The Next Day...

The Fox answers his door after some loud knocking. It's "William Shakespeare" (the Crow) again.

Crow: Ready for da second lesson, Foxie?

Fox: Oh yes, oh yes! I practiced yesterday and believe I have impro---

Crow (interupts): (holds out his hand) Two dollars, please!

Fox: But I just paid you two dollars yesterday!!

Crow: Dat was just for da foist lesson, jack. If youse want lesson number two, it'll cost ya another two bucks.

Fox (getting angry): You swindler! You cheat! Highway robber! You, you...

Crow: Now, now, bud, is dat any way to talk to William Shakespeare? Now, how's about my two bucks.

Fox: Why should I pay you another two dollars?? I think I am doing just fine without YOUR help!

Crow: You wanna be a great Shakespearean actor, don't ya?? You wanna be able to impress da dames don't ya??

Fox: Dames?

Crow: Yeah, yeah, da goils go CRAZY over dat Shakespeare stuff!

Fox (getting a little embarrassed): You really think so?

Crow: I know so, bud. I'm William Shakespeare ain't I?

Fox: But *another* two dollars...?

Crow: Just think about it, mac!

Fox thinks to himself. He thinks of his dream girl kissing him after he recites some Shakespeare. The Fox giggles to himself as he daydreams.

Crow: So, what do ya say, Romeo? Shall we get to woik?

Fox: Yes, yes, yes!! Here's the two dollars!

The Crow, with the Fox's two dollars in hand, smiles and winks to the audience.


To Be Continued...

[Pietro]

Crow: OK, chum! Let's start da lesson!

Fox: OK, Willy!

Crow: Willy? Humph! You have insulted da great, William Shakespeare! Just for dat I charge you one extra dollar!

Fox (angry): ONE EXTRA DOLLAR?! I WON'T PAY IT! IT'S.....

Crow (interupts): Remember, pal, da dames go WILD for Shakespearian foxes like you!

Fox: Well, alright. Here's an extra dollar!

(Fauntleroy hands Crawford and extra dollar.)

Crow: OK, let's start da lesson. Now if ya want to be a great actor youse gotta wear dis snazzy costume!

(Crawford slips a Shakespearean-era costume on Fauntleroy)

Crow: Now here's da prop!

(Crawford hands Fauntleroy a fake human skull)

Crow: Now, act!

Fox: Like whom?

Crow: Like Hamlet! Ya dope!

Fox: Oh I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Shakespeare.

Crow: Good. See dat it don't happen again! NOW ACT!

Fox: To be or not to be!

(Crawford throws a tomato at Fauntleroy)

Crow: Awful, terrible, da gals will tink dat you're a just a dumb ol', everyday, Fox! Again, please!

Fox: To be or not to be!

(Crawford throws a tomato at Fauntleroy)

Crow: P.U. dat stinks! Again!

Fox: To be or not to be, that is the question!

(Crawford throws a bottle of ketchup at Fauntleroy)

Fox: Oh dear, oh my, I'm bleeding!

Crow: No youse not! Dat's fake blood!
You're doin' da big death scene!

Fox: I am?

Crow: Yes! NOW ACT!

(Fauntleroy does a fake death scene, Crawford claps.)

Crow: Oh dat was beautiful!

Fox: You liked it?

Crow: Yes I did. And since it was so good, you have ta pay me ten dollars now!

Fox (angry): TEN DOLLARS! OUTRAGEOUS! I WON'T PAY IT!

TO BE CONTINUED.........

[Matthew Hunter]

Fox: "Ten bucks? How much've I ALREADY given you anyway? What do ya think I am, MADE of MONEY? Heck, I could buy my own kingdom with what I've given ya...or a horse anyway."

Crow: "You're close, it's "My Kingdom FOR a horse."

Fox: "MY KINGDOM for a HORSE!(And brother, this stuff sure is makin' me hoarse!)"

Crow: "Be thankful we haven't gotten to "Comedy of Errors" or "Taming of the Shrew" yet, those guys yell more than that...talk about voice work! Those plays will impress any dame!"

Fox: "What, you mean there's....MORE?"

Crow: "Yes, the comedic side of Shakespeare. He had a quite a wit you know."

Fox: "I've always wanted to be witty..."

Crow: "Well, then, that'll be Twenty dollars. That is, if you don't want to be a square, humorless, uneducated fur-bearing mammal."

Fox: "TWENTY B_B_BUCKS?! What a ripoff! Thou hast insulted mine intelligence, scurvy knave! Out, baggage! Away, green-sickness carrion!"

Crowthinking) "Ohmygosh...he actually CAN do this stuff....but only when he's MAD....hmmm....maybe I can make some REAL money out of this..."

Crow: (to Fox) : "Hey, Fox, that was really swell! beautiful! I think maybe you're there after all. Hey, why don't you join my acting company...we can be partners! Willy and Fox!"

Fox: "Hey, that's a good idea but-how about...FOX and WILLY..."

Crow: "Well, I dunno....oh, what the hey. Fox and Willy. It's a deal!"

-Fox shakes Crow's hand (or is it 'wing'?)

Crow: (muttering): "now all I gotta do is make him ANGRY...heehee...a task that I shall enjoyeth....

TO BE CONTINUED...
-Matthew

[Pietro]

Good job Matthew! Very well written!
Now, let's continue the fanfic,

Crow: Now, Foxie let's go get our own office.

Fox: Well, uh, oh my, an office, eh?

Crow: Yeah an office! Dat's where we run da business!

Fox: Oh I see!

Crow: Yeah, so let's git movin'!

(Crawford starts to walk with Fauntleroy's Shakespeare books in hand, just then Fauntleroy spots Crawford's tail feathers from under the Shakespeare costume.)

Fox: Wait a second, there's something rotten in Denmark, you're not Shakespeare atoll! You're that crazy, crooked, CROW!

(Crawford takes off his disguise)

Crow: Dat's right, Foxie!

Fox: Get out of yonder house before I call thy police!

Crow (to the audience): I thought he'd catch on earlier!

Fox: You crazy, cock-eyed crow! I'll.....

Crow (interupts): Cock-eyed crow? Wait! NOBODY calls me a cock-eyed crow!

Fox: Whoops, uh, sorry ol' fellow.....

Crow: Now since you said dat I charge you 30 dollars, plus tax, which is 300 dollars!

Fox: YOU CRAZY, CORN-CRAVEN RAVEN! WAIT'LL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!

(Fauntleroy grabs a shot gun)

Crow (to himself): Tink fast Crawford! Ah ha!

(Crawford steps on Fauntleroy's tail)

Fox: Owwww! You stepped on my tail you dumb ol' crow!

"LETTUCE" CONTINUE......

[Jack]

Crow: Wait Foxie! (with the shotgun pointed at his head). I really meant what I sed earlier. You really DO have talent!

Fox: You mean....you weren't just pulling my leg?

Crow: Nonononononono. You have "it," you perform Shakespiere like no one else I've ever seen! It brings me to tears (starts tearing up).

Fox, who is very touched right now: Oh, I'm so sorry for everything I said about you! I LIKE you, and will do whatever you want me too.

Crow, suddenly perked up: That's great Foxie! This is a real chance for you to take a place in the hearts of the theater-going public (and a chance for me to make some cash)! Now all I have to do is rent a theater, now hows about that 300 bucks?

Fox: Well, alright (hands over the money).

To be continued...

[Pietro]

Crow: Great. Then you'll be famous, Foxie! Just immagine yer name
in lights, "Fauntleroy the Greatest Shakespearian Fox!"

(Fauntleroy giggles as he immagines his name in lights)

Fox: Oh, I can barely wait!

Crow: Yup, now as I said before we gotta rent a theater!

(We fade to an old theater where Crawford and Fauntleroy and giving
the money to the manager. Then, Crawford and Fauntleroy walk inside.
Crawford pionts to the stage.)

Crow: Dat's where you'll be actin' tonight, Foxie!

Fox: Who me?

Crow: Yup. It'll be great!

(That night, the theater is packed and the proformence is ready to start)

Crow (singing, while counting his money): I'm in da money, I'm in da money,
I've gotta lot of what it takes ta git along. (stops singing) Five minutes until
show time, Foxie!

Fox: I'm ready!

Crow: Good, now let's start da show

Fox: Well, uh, er, OK, but I just forgot my lines!

Crow: Ya good for nothin' Fox, ya don't even remember yer lines! Just for dat I charge you 600 thousand dollars!

Fox: You, you, you, crooked, crazy, CROW!
When I get my hands on you, I'll.....

Crow: You forget, Foxie, ol' chum, the calling me a "crooked, crazy, crow" tax which is 100 billion dollars!

Fox: You, cheat, you crook, you, you, you CROW! I refuse to pay!

Crow: Fine. Den ya won't be a great Shakespearian actor!

Fox: Well, I don't want to be a Shakespearian actor anymore.

Crow (thinking): Everybody's going to make me give 'em back their money back, if they don't see dis dope preform!

TO BE CONTINUED.....

[Pietro]

Crow: Listen, Foxie, ya gotta go out dere!

Fox: No.

Crow: Hamlet's in the audience!

Fox: No.

Crow: Dames!

Fox: No.

Crow: OK, chum if dat's da way it is, den no more show biz for you.

Fox: Huh? Wait, I'll change! watch!

Crow: What are ya a man or a mouse!

Fox: Why I'm a man!

Crow: Den git in dere and make 'em pround!

Fox: OK, I'll show 'em, and you too!

Crow: F-O-X-I-E! Foxie! (Talks to audience) Ya know it's pathetic what some guys will do for money.

(Fauntleroy walks on stage)

Fox: Ahem, to be or not to be!

Audience: Boooooooo! Get off the stage!

(Audience members start throwing all kinds of fruit and vegetables at him, and then he walks off the stage)

Fox: See? You no good crow, I told you I couldn't do it!

Crow: Listen, Foxie, yer just chicken. I'll show ya how easy it actually is ta be a great Shakspearian actor!

(Crawford walks on stage)

Fox: Ta be or not to be!

Audience: Hooray! Bravo! YAY!!!!!!!!

(Crawford walks off stage)

Crow: Ya see how easy that was, well what do ya tink, Foxie?

(Fauntleroy is stunned at Crawford's performance)

Fox: That was, that was, beautifu.......I mean.....er...I could do better! Just watch!

(Fauntleroy walks on stage)

Crow: To be or not to be!

Audience: Boooooooo! You stink! Go home!

(Audience members start throwing all kinds of fruit and vegetables at him, and frustrated, Fauntleroy walks off the stage again and Crawford walks back on stage.)

Crow: Ta be or not to be!

Audience: YAY!!!!!!!! BRAVO!!!!!

(Fauntleroy walks on stage in front of him and the audience is silent, except for crickets chriping. Crawford walks in front of him.)

Crow: Ta be or not to be!

Audience: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Then, Fauntleroy jumps in front of him and again the audience is silent, except for crickets chriping. Crawford walks in front of him and the crowd cheers again. Then Fauntleroy and Crawford go behind the curtain. Crawford peeks out and the audience cheers. Then, Fauntleroy peeks out and the audience is silent. Crawford's hand peeks out of the curtain and the audience cheers. Fauntleroy also puts his hand out and the crowd is silent again.
Then they both walk off stage.)

Fox: Why you lousy, crooked, Crow.....er.....or, Willie or what ever your name is!

Crow: Don't worry, Foxie! Cheer up! Life is tough! Don't get excited!

Fox: EXCITED? WHO'S EXCITED? I'M NOT EXCITED!

(Fauntleroy grabs a shot gun)

Fox: Now I'll finish you off you crazy, crooked, good-for-nothing, CROW!

Crow: Now, now, Foxie, uh, d-d-don't get excited, uh, yipe!

(Fauntleroy chases Crawford into the sunset)



THE END!

Well what do you guys think?

-Pietro