the Wrath of Stewie
(Scene: the Watertower on the WB lot, Wakko is watching televison, when his siblings enter).
Yakko: Hey Wakko what're you doing?
Wakko: Watching t.v
Yakko: Watching prime-time t.v on a Thursday? This can't be good.
Wakko: Relax I'm sure there's plenty of good programs on.
TV Announcer: Next on the WB it's Tom Green's new sitcom where he plays a father of four children, "My Freaky Father."
(Clip from show: A young girl enters the kitchen, where Tom is sitting and eating toast)
Girl: Daddy, daddy!
Tom: What's wrong honey?
Girl: Daddy that mean Scud Thompson made fun of me at school today, he called me "doody-head"
Tom: Well honey, I know a fool-proof way to deal with bullies. First you spill your milk on him while shouting "I am the milk person, feel the wrath of my calcium filled milk" (canned laughter) then you rub dog poop on him and call him a doody-head. Then you get a sheep and..
Yakko: In the name of Bugs Bunny change the channel!
Wakko: Right, (he flips the channel)
Announcer: And now back to "Homies in the Hood", starring Martin Lawrence.
(Clip: Martin is in an apartment talking to an African American man).
Martin: See in these so called "critically acclaimed" sitcoms, the brothers are always put down by the man. Like in "Malcolm in the Middle", how come the only brother is in a wheelchair? It ain't like he got shot while robbing stores to buy supplies for his brainiac school (canned laughter) Also if he's such a genius why don't he invent himself some new legs?(canned laughter)
Dot: This is probably UPN
Yakko: And they've finally hit rock bottom, next channel please.
(Wakko switches the channel)
Announcer: Next on NBC, it's our new critically acclaimed sitcom that will be cancelled in two weeks, "Drinking Buddies"
(Clip: Two guys are in a bar)
Guy 1: Man I can't believe Susan dumped me like that. I mean what was the problem? I thought we were doing great.
Guy 2; It might be because you work at a video store, you have no ambition, you're always watching sports, and your apartment is filthy (canned laughter).
Guy 1: Hey (pause) my apartment is not filthy. It's simply "hygenically challenged" (canned laughter)
Guy 2: Dude Oscar the Grouch wouldn't live in your apartment (canned laughter).
Yakko: What is this?
Wakko: It appears to be a sitcom featuring the same old characters in a familiar setting doing the same thing we've seen a hundred times.
Yakko: (amazed) Uhh yeah that's what I was going to say. Well sibs looks like we're not watching t.v. tonight.
Wakko: What about ABC or FOX (his siblings glare at him) Oh right evil I forgot.
Dot: How about CBS?
Yakko: The old's people network? Okay let's see (checkes TV Guide) according to this, there's a "Walker: Texas Ranger" marathon on followed by "A salute to Andy Rooney".
Wakko: Man the state of prime-time television today is sorry.
Dot: Yeah we could do so... (light bulb) I've got it?
Wakko: An original sitcom plot?
Yakko: A person who watches CBS?
Dot: No, why don't we attempt a comeback, I mean we're funnier than half the stuff on t.v today.
Wakko: That's a great idea, Dot, we could write a new episode and everything. What do you say Yakko?
Yakko: Ehhhhh I don't know sibs (they give him puppy dog eyes) ahh okay I can't resist those, besides if Temptation Island 2 can get on t.v so can we.
Wakko & Dot: Yeah!
Yakko: Let's go sibs ,we have a comeback to write!
(They rush off to another part of the tower)
Well, if this is a chainlink, let me add my part...
Yakko: (Running back and forth with pencils, papers and plugs) We'll need to get the old gang back together, but how?
Dot: What do you mean? We see them all the time!
Yakko: In fanfics, yes, but they're growing tired of the usual "round-em-up-and-shoot-em-out". We need honest-to-gosh humor.
Wakko: I'll make some calls. Let's see, we've got Slappy's number here.
(Split-screen as Wakko dials up. An attractive woman in her mid-to-late-30s picks up at the other end. This is...)
Sherri Stoner: Residence of Slappy Squirrel, Ms. Sherri Stoner speaking!
Wakko: Hold on, let me get a look at you!
(Wakko cranes his head past the split-screen)
Wakko: Hello Nurse! How ya doing?
Sherri: I'm doing okay. Slappy can't come to the phone right now. She's mourning a loss in her enemy collection.
Sherri: Ever heard of Avery Schreiber?
Wakko: Sure, the Doritos guy, right?
Sherri: Mm-hmm. He did the voice of...I believe...Walter Wolf. Now that Ave is no more, Walter's gone mute, and Slappy is lacking for a decent villain. She's not in "Cuckoo Clock" land, but she ain't doing that good, either.
Wakko: Okay, I'll call back later.
Sherri: Alright, my sincerest apologies.
(Both hang up and the screen goes single again)
Yakko: So, what's the word with Slappy?
Wakko: Lost a frienemy, and won't talk for a few days.
Dot: Oooh...Who to call next?
---Pick up here...alan?---
Dot: Well maybe Brain and the crew are home.
Yakko: Yeah but what is Brain's number? I mean he keeps it secret so that the cops can't call him.
Wakko: I know it, Pinky gave it to me once in exchange for some bubble gum.
Yakko: Great then phone that mouse.
Wakko: Aye, aye sir (he dials)
(Scene: ACME Labs, Brain is reading a large book while Pinky and Billie are watching television).
Pinky: I say Brain this Martin Lawrence is quite humorous narf! he really knows what's wrong with white people.
Brain: Martin Lawrence is as humorous as a piece of toast.
Pinky: (laughing) Oh that reminds me Brain the toast told me the funniest joke today, it seems there were two guys in a bar...
(The phone rings)
Brain: Who could that be, Pinky have you been ordering those "sad face" dolls from the home shopping network again?
Pinky: But Brain I only need two more to complete the set.
Brain: (sighs) Hello?
Wakko: Hi Brain it's me Wakko Warner.
Brain: Ugh! what do you want?
Wakko: We've decided to write a comeback episode and we were wondering if you and Pinky and Billie were interested in coming back?
Brain: (thinking) Hmmm.... yes this could work out for me quite nicely. (speakng) Okay inform your siblings that we are in.
Wakko: Faboo! I'll tell them the good news bye.
Brain: Bye! (smiling) yes!
Billie: Who was that Eggy?
Brain: One of those Warners, they wanted us to help them with thier comeback special.
Pinky: (excited) Oh goody Brain did you agree?
Brain: Yes Pinky, because we are far superior to this junk they call prime-time television. We could dominate the airwaves!
Pinky: Oh goody troz!
Billie: Are you sure you don't have some ulterior motive Eggy?
Brain: Quite perceptive aren't you? Yes I do have a plan, when we arrive I will modify the Warner's script to include a subliminal message that will make people obey me. It will be triggered when they hear the phrase "six dollars, same as in town"
Billie: How do you know the Warners will use that phrase?
Brain: Because I will put it in there myself, now come to the car!
Pinky: Hold on a minute Brain, I need a few things, some socks, my toothbrush, teddy...
Brain: Pinky you don't wear socks. Anyway this isn't a camping trip we're just going to the Warners house.
Pinky: Ohh alrighty then Brain poit!
(the mice leave and head to the car)
NOTE before proceeding with next segment:
alan, maybe you should have Pinky get his stuff. It WILL be a long trip. The Brain-owned branch of ACME Labs is in New York City. The Warners are in California.
*AND NOW, BACK TO OUR STORY*
Billie: There! I have Pinky's stuff, my things and your cassette collection, plus sufficient funds for Olive Gardener stops, gasoline and other necessities.
Pinky: So, Brain, what will we be listening to?
Brain: Oh, I've got a mixture. Joan Jett, Grandmaster Flash, and my newest editions...
Pinky: New Edition? POIT!
Brain: Well, sort of...them and MOTLEY CRUE!
Billie: I hope there's more! I wouldn't want to listen to just that! You got any Beatles?
Brain: Of course! Now, to my suit, then my car!
(A few scenes set to the song "A Hard Day's Night" by The Beatles are seen. Brain steps into his big outfit, grabs a Motley Crue cassette from a giant bag, and goes to his customized Sedan)
Pinky: NARF! How come we've never seen this before?
Brain: Well, I wanted to keep it private because it's a gift from an old friend.
(Ripple dissolve back to 1993, for something that might break the fanfic chain)
Brain: (V.O) This Sedan was given to me by a human friend I struck up a rapport with. Her name was Samantha Malden, a woman in her early 40s at the time, but still awfully attractive. We talked about various events, and she supported what I was doing, because I promised her an advisory role if and when I took over the world.
(Cut to Brain and said woman, with Kathleen Turner's voice and looks. Background music: "Ordinary World" by Duran Duran)
Samantha: Brain, they're transferring me. I'll miss talking with you!
Brain: Wait, where are you going?
Samantha: I can't tell you. All I can say is I witnessed a Hannibal Lecter murder a few years back, and only now are they hiding me. Look, we'll meet again someday...I know it. In the meantime, I noticed you were designing a big suit. Well, to that end, I bought you a gift.
Brain: What could you have bought me?
Samantha: Step outside!
Brain: (V.O as the two step outside) And there it was. My own car. I enjoyed many rides in it over the years, and the reason why I haven't shown it to anyone is because when I ride in it, I feel a connection to my past!
(Ripple dissolve back to the modern day)
Brain: I haven't seen her since then. It's been 9 years running almost.
Billie: Well, Brain, knowing our fanfic adventures, you might see her again yet!
Brain: I...er...well, maybe, maybe not! Either way, we might as well get in. Nothing more will annoy me than a mid-Winter's cross-country trip, but let's get it done with!
(Dissolve to Hannibal Lecter's place in the mid-South. He partakes of a fine Chianti with none other than...)
Stewie: Oh, Hannibal, you old (bleep), you! Really, how did the liver taste?
Hannibal: Delicious. Just the right combination of sweetness and vinegar. Now, you want another glass?
Stewie: (BURP!) With pleasure, my old man!
Cut to the news reporter, Ms. Wendy Franchetti.
Wendy: And in our final story, my old friends the Warners are coming back on the air soon. That's right, Yakko, Wakko and Dot are coming back at you with new "Animaniacs!" episodes. They're in talks with several networks...
(Cut to Plotz's place)
Plotz: Oh no! What does it take to get rid of them? Well, I'll have to make a call soon. You know, this is starting to irritate me a lot!
---PICK UP HERE---
Note: If this is s'posed to be loosely within the WBC fanfic realm, that'd actually be the Billie-owned branch of ACME Labs in New York. ;-)
Paco hates spoilers. Do not anger him.
(Back at the Watertower)
Yakkolooking over script) Hmm, no I think we should drop a bigger anvil on Osama Bin Laden.
Dot: You're right, bigger is better.
Wakko: Can we give him a wedgie?
Yakko: Of course it's on page two.
Wakko: Oh yeah, I also like the part where we tie the Taliban leaders beards together.
Yakko: Yeah that was a stroke of comedy gold.
Dot: Too bad you stole it from the Daily Show.
Yakko: Yeah but what're you gonna do?
Wakko: Well Brain and the others won't be here for a few hours, what'll we do till then?
Yakko: Usually we get a special guest about now (looks at his watch) Hmm must be late, well I'll let Captain Caps handle those.
Wakko: Hey Yakko do you think that we can get back on t.v? I mean the WB hates us.
Dot: Wakko's right, Plotz will throw us out if we even approach him with a script.
Yakko: Quite true sibs fortunately I thought ahead.
Wakko: You got half a pound of prime rib?
Dot: That was pointless.
Yakko: No, here's my plan: we will disguise ourselves as Japanese executives and claim we're debuting the newest show destined to become an American fad. Old tightwad Plotz will flip and put it on the air.
Wakko: And if that fails?
Yakko: Then we incapacitate him, and produce the pilot ourselves.
Dot: How? We don't know anything about directing.
Yakko: That didn't stop Clint Eastwood.
Wakko: Should I call our old buddy Axel in Washington and see if he wants to guest star?
Yakko: Sure, he's probably itching for a chance to get Bin Laden and his Taliban allies too.
Dot: Plus it'll be good to hear old Senator potty-mouth again.
Yakko: Remember that conference on C-SPAN where he insulted Dick Armey?
Wakko: That was the only time I ever watched politics, good thing they bleeped it out though.
Yakko: It was like two bleeps a second. I hope that didn't hurt his popularity.
Wakko: I'll find out. (he dials) I hope he can come, things are always more interesting when he's around.
Dot: Or more profane anyway.
the plot thickens
(Scene: Another area of Burbank atop a large, grassy hill. A red car, with flames on the sides, is seen).
Girl: Oh Brad, you don't know how happy I am that you picked me to go out with. I thought for sure you'd pick that snob Cindy Johanson. I mean you've never shown interest in me before.
(The camera pans into the car, revealing that the girl is none other than Animaniacs semi-regular Katie Ka-boom. Next to her is a big jock in a letter jacket).
Brad: Yeah well babe that's because I know you're special.
Katie: Oh Brad, please kiss me, I'd love to see the look on that Cindy's face when she hears you did.
Brad: Uh okay... (he kisses her, after a few minutes she pushes him away)
Katie: Brad, is something wrong? your kiss felt like ice.
Brad: Well babe I've got a confession to make.
Katie: What is it? Is it about Cindy? You like her don't you?
Brad: No that's not it.
Katie: Are you not the football captain?
Brad: Nope something far worse (he whips out an ominous looking pistol from his jacket).
Katiescared) W-w-what's going on? W-w-why do you have a gun?
Brad: All will be revealed in time, for now, have a nap! (he fires the gun, gas comes out from it causing Katie to collapse) Sleep well babe (laughing evily).
(Scene: Complete darkness, then a sliver of light is seen. That sliver soon opens to a full screen of light and a celing is seen. The sequence is being seen through Katie's eyes, and as the camera pulls away we can see she is bound hand and foot, gagged, and lying on a lab table).
Katie: (thinking) Ohh what happened? Last thing I remember I was in Brad's car and he pulled a gun on me. (Looks around) Now where am I? (she attempts to stand) okay obviously I'm tied up ugh this is not a good day.
(Just then Stewie enters the lab).
Katie: (thinking) What the, how did a baby get in here? Well maybe he can help me (she makes muffled noises).
(Stewie gets on a stepladder near the table, and then removes Katie's gag)
Stewie: Comfy my dear? I hope your abduction wasn't too rough.
Katie: A talking baby? This has gotta be some whack deam.
Stewie: I'm afraid, my Dawsons Creek watching captive, that this is quite real. Allow me to introduce myself I am Stewie Griffin and this is Rupert (he displays the bear).
Katie: Okay I'll pretend this is real. So what do you want with me? Is this some type of fraternity prank?
Stewie: Hardly, as you know you have obtained your nick name because whenever you get angry, you turn into a giant monster than explode, with no harm to yourself but with incredible damage to those around you.
Katie: Duh! Everyone knows that.
Stewie: Yes but no one knows why, but I aim to find out. (He snaps his fingers and into the room walks rougue genetic scientist Gene Splicer) This is doctor Gene Splicer, he is going to help me find the source of your powers.
Splicer: Well hey there little lady, how are you?
Katie: Well I've been kidnapped, tied up, and I've found out that some football headed baby is gonna use me as a science experiment. I'm just peachy.
Stewie: Don't worry Splicer here is just going to study samples of your blood in hopes of finding what makes you tick. When he does, I will give it to a toon of my choice, turning them into a virtual living bomb! Imagine it an army of operatives loyal to me with explosive powers, it'll be wonderful!
Katie: You're a freak, you know that right? You're as bad as my math teacher.
Stewie: (holding Rupert) what? what's that? Rupert says you can go (bleep) yourself.
Katie: I thought babies were suposed to watch thier language.
Stewie: I thought teenagers were supposed to be less annoying(he replaces the gag) She's all yours Splicer, I have operatives to disaptch and it's almost time for my diaper change. Inform me of any progress. (he exits).
Splicer: Right sir, (to Katie) Now Miss Ka-boom you may feel a slight prick from this needle... So that's why I'll use this one (he holds up a syringe with a sharp looking needle) Now this will hurt... alot (Katie struggles and murmurs as he approaches).
(Scene: Washington D.C. the office of Axel Foley, Axel is sitting at his desk, reading a magazine)
Seceretary( via intercom) Senator Foley, there's a call for you on line one.
Axel: Okay I'll get it (picks up phone) Hello?
NOTE: Actually, Axel's a Representative (in the House of Repesentatives, natch), not a Senator....but carry on....
AXEL: Gotta bad feelin' about this.... (talks into the receiver) If this is Dick Armey, I'm not takin' back a single (bleep)in' word---
WAKKO: Why? Don't you have the receipt?
AXEL: (Flatly) Oh, it's *you*. Lemme guess---you (bleep)ers wanna do some crazy (bleep)in' thing that involves all of us gathering together and engaging in some crazy adventure where we get enough characters to---
WAKKO: (VO) Oooh, ooh, lemme make the cast size comparison joke this time! Um...uh....
DOT: (VO) No, let *me*! Er...ah...
YAKKO: (VO) Allow *me*. AAAaahhhhhhh...... bigger than a breadbox?
W&D: (VO) Good answer! Good answer!
YAKKO: (VO) It's simple really---when you used up all the cast size jokes already.
AXEL: Look, I'm really busy here---these (bleep)s want me to put my John Hancock on all of these important papers here, *soooo*, let the nice Mr. Foley here get back to work, since you'll do fine on your own, OK? (Sounds of the Warners crying) Sorry, but my mind's made up. Goodbye. (Hangs up, and turns to the papers) Let's see what we've got here... (flips through them, signing various papers) "Amendment Proposal to House Bill #2015: 'Budget to Found Timecop Authority, for the purpose of monitoring the space-time continuum with the aid of now-washed-up Belgium B-movie kickboxers". (Axel has a flash of the events of "Once and Future Warners" go through his head; sighs) Better sign it....don't want the space-time continuum to get more screwed up than it already is.... (signs it) Next... hmm--what's this?! (reads a letter)
"Final funding approved: Joint Congressional Committee For Technological & Scientific Research"
"To Representative Foley (Independent- Michigan):
General budget for Technological & Scientific Research grant projects for the next year approved; please read through list of projects. Thank you.
Sen. Richard Lugar (R- Ind.)
Rep. Barney Frank (D- Mass.)"
[Axel reads through the list of various projects approved for govt. funding, including "research into cordless toasters", "3-D life-like simulator so we can play "Myst" in a cool holodeck-type setting", "means to prevent candy cane wrappers from clinging to one's hands", etc. However, one listing makes Axel sit up and take notice....]
AXEL: *WHOA*! (Glares down at a line reading "Funding Approved: Project "KABOOM": To Dr. G. Splicer, Acme Acres California, and S. Griffin, Quahog Rhode Island. Proposal: Research with hormonal teenagers to find out 'what makes them tick'. Approval Reason: Results could prove invaluable for exasperated parents of teenagers everywhere.")
AXEL: (Glaring at the paper) Uh-uh...no *way* that little brat's doing this for "the benefit of parents everwhere".... he's up to *something*. (Picks up his phone, and dials the Warners...Yakko answers)
YAKKO: Ha! I knew you'd call back! You *know* you want to go on another wild, wacky, and oh-so-nonrepetitive outing with us...
AXEL: Um, no, it's because---hey, how'd you know it was me?!
DOT: Try call waiting.
YAKKO: Not as funny...
AXEL: Look, I was just goin' through papers here, and saw something you (bleep)s might be interested in....
DOT: Ooooh, free government pork barrel money for us?
WAKKO: *Pork*?! Where?!
AXEL: (Sighs) Nooooo....try free government pork barrel money to----*Stewie*!
AXEL: No kiddin'. Looks as though I'll be meeting up with you (bleep)s again---
YAKKO: Right now?
AXEL: Um, no, not yet. I'm going to look into the details behind this "project" of Stewie's. While I'd guess he gave a fake proposal report to the government, I'm sure there's something we can dig up---like whatever hideout he and "Dr. G. Splicer" is using... I'll be out there soon--after I call up the mice, OK?
WAKKO: Awww, but we were all set to use more old and new gags on you...and then maybe meet some superhero or old 80's celebrity!
AXEL: (Rolls his eyes) I can hardly *wait*. Well, try to stay safe, OK?
DOT: Do you know you went several whole sentences *without* swearing once?
AXEL: (Flatly) *Goodbye*, Dot. (Hangs up; dials ACME Labs in New York to give Brain the same news....)
(Pick up here)
Axel dials up...
(Trying to phone ACME Labs, he gets the machine instead)
Billie: Hello, we're not in right now...we're making a cross-country trek to California to start a new "Animaniacs" series. Our cell phone number is...
(Axel gets down the number, hangs up, and calls them on the road. Cut to the Brain's sedan, somewhere in the mid-West. Brain is attempting to rap along with the cassette player)
Brain: It's like a jungle sometimes, it makes me wonder how I keep from going under, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh...
Billie: Hey, Grandmaster, pick up your cell phone!
Brain: Oh, alright...(Picking up) Hello? Oh, hello, Mr. Foley!
Axel: Ain't you ever heard of casual?
Brain: I'm just not really thinking about anything but California right now, Axel. So, how goes business down Representative Way?
Axel: Decent, but a little boring. Um, I have some bad news...money is being funded to the wrong people!
Brain: Oh, we've known that for the longest of times...
Axel: Ha ha, really (bleep)ing funny! What I mean is, money is being routed to...buckle up for this one, Stewie Griffin...
Brain: Oh NO!
Axel: And Dr. Gene Splicer...
Brain: Hmm, have I heard of him?
Axel: You probably have. He and the little brat are working on a project trying to figure out what "makes teens tick". Oh, and if that weren't enough, last time we heard, Stewie was in the care of Hannibal Lecter!
Brain: Holy moley, you're not serious.
Axel: Hey, were most of my early-90s movies bombs?
Axel: There you go! I'm helicoptering out to California within 24 hours...when will you be arriving?
Brain: Add 72 hours and you have a good idea.
Axel: Okay, see you in Cali!
Brain: Right on!
(Brain and Axel hang up)
Brain: Now, this has me worried about Samantha...
(Cut to Ms. Malden, a few years older but still quite beautiful. She makes her home in California)
Samantha: Hmm, "Animaniacs" is coming back on the air. This will give me a chance to talk to Brain again...at least I hope so. I miss him, I miss my past...if only I hadn't witnessed those events.
(Cut to the Watertower. The Warners are talking with Joan Jett)
Yakko: So, Joan, how have things been?
Joan: Terrific. Stadiums, arenas, soundtracks...it's cool. Now, what do you need here?
Wakko: We want you to write us a new theme song.
Joan: Why? Your old one was fine.
Dot: It's just that we've lost contact with a good lot of the people from the show's first run. So, as they have moved on, so must we. See if you can come up with something while you're staying here.
Joan: Okay, but will it really fit here?
Yakko: Joan, doll, we've got bigger things to worry about at the moment!
---Pick Up Here---
Pitching the show to networks...
[Joan Jett hangs up....she walks around her apartment, glances at a picture of her hanging out with the Cher-Loving Restaurant Guys (from "A Very Wakko Thanksgiving"), flips through a copy of "Newsbleak", before finally plopping down in front of the TV. ]
JOAN: A song...for a cartoon show. OK, I'm quite sure I can do this....um...hmm.... (picks up some sheet music) Er.... "it's time for *Ani-ma-ni-acs...la de da dum....ermmm...." This isn't gonna be easy. Perhaps if I call on some help---especailly if they want something more contemporary than myself. Hmm... someone more modern....(gets out her phone number book, and looks through various listings) Melissa Etheridge...nah. She never called me back after that party. Quincy Jones---hmm. Maybe. (Flips through some pages) Limp Bizkit...Zack de la Rosa... *Britney Spears*?! How'd *that* get in here?? (Tears that page out) Ah! Here we go... (begins dialing)
[Cut away from this, to...the sibs. They're walking down the street.]
DOT: Oooh, we're "walking down the street". I can hardly stand the excitement of this story....especially since we haven't actually *seen* any "wrath" like the title says, just the usual cliched story fodder... (Glances around fervently)
WAKKO: What're you looking for, Dot?
DOT: Get the feeling we're being followed.
YAKKO: No way.
[They keep walking, but a large shadow overcrowds them. They stop in mid-tracks, and spin around, only to find....a large crowd of people: the starting lineup for the Oakland Raiders, the cast of "the Fantasticks", an entire fourth grade classroom, several computer company CEO's, several roadies for Guns 'n Roses, the members of Stillwater from "Almost Famous", Yerkel, several Muppets, various extras from "The Mummy Returns", Lucky the Leprechaun, and finally, some geeky looking guy...]
DOT: (to the geeky looking guy) Who're *you*??
GUY: Well, I starred in a short-lived superhero comic from the mid-80's... (snorts) It was supposed to be called "Super-Nerd", but it got cancelled after just two issues. (Sighs)
YAKKO: Aaaaahhhh, why are you all here?
GROUP: WE'RE HERE TO HELP!
DOT: We're sorry, but the "need for help" has already been filled for this story. Please go away and never bother us again.
GROUP: BUT *WE'RE HERE TO HEL----* (Gets cut off by a giant anvil being dropped on them, by none other than Wakko)
DOT: Thanks, Wakko.
WAKKO: Can we go now? To, uh...where are we going?
YAKKO: Have to pitch this show to the networks, sibs!
DOT: I thought we were going to pitch it to the guys at the WB?
YAKKO: Aaaahhh, when I went there, Plotz took one look at the proposal and, well, started laughing.
DOT: Think that's a good sign?
YAKKO: I dunno, but I figure it can't hurt to try the other guys....
DOT: To improve our chances?
YAKKO: No, to pad out this thing some more until we get back to the "Stewie" subplot...
[Cut to the first network, CBS....]
CBS EXEC: (Reads their proposal) Hmm... well, let me ask you something...will Slappy Squirrel become the featured star of this series?
DOT: Well, she might appear, if....
CBS EXEC: Good....since our network tends to appeal to those towards the, ahem, further end of the 25-54 age demo. Now then, how would you feel if we suggested instead of taking place in Burbank, we flew you all out to the middle of a deserted island and filmed your attempts at surviving in such a harsh environment? "Animani-Vivor"! I can see it now: Wakko forced to live off of bugs and slugs... Dot trying to make her hand-built hut "cute" looking...Brain trying to take over the tribe with a wacky scheme... (begins laughing idiotically)
YAKKO: Aaaaahhhh....we'll get back to you.
[Cut to NBC's headquarters...]
NBC EXEC: (Reading the proposal; in a pretentious voice) Sounds sort of entertaining, my puppy-children...
DOT: Um, we're not puppies.
NBC EXEC: Whatever. Like I said, could be entertaining....
NBC EXEC: ....for another network. On our network, we only air shows that attract an "upscale" audience. Our demographics demand only the best in entertainment, and they make lots and lots of money, and you puppy-children with the anvils and the---things---do not possess that. (Sees someone walk in....)
GUY: Here's the finished script for that new show you wanted...
NBC EXEC: (Reads it) "Yuppie-maniacs: Starring the Wingo siblings, a trio of wacky-yet-loveable New York-dwelling guys who live inside a coffeehouse, and hang out with Punky and Brian, two highly-paid lawyers bent on taking over SoHo!" Oh, and they drop anvils on all those icky New Jersey dwellers! Oh, I *love* it! Start filming this right away!
[In mid-glee, we see an anvil crash down on the two network workers....]
YAKKO: Aaaahh, why'd ya do that?
DOT: I didn't. I think the author of this part had a grudge against NBC's usual style of sitcoms....
YAKKO: Works for me....
[Cut to the outside of ABC's studios, where we see flying over the studio wall are the sibs. They land on the sidewalk outside, followed by their script proposal hitting them in the heads...]
DOT: (Annoyed) Hmph. Wonder if they're still sore about that little "Warner-Academy-blow-up-their-main-corporate-master's-bowling-ball-eared-"rodent"-icon" thing....
YAKKO: Think so?
[We see the sibs walk past the WB Studios, where they still hear Plotz laughing....zip pan to...UPN.]
UPN EXEC: (Sounding a bit dimwitted) Uh....does this involve the same recycled plots involving temporal anomalies, crewmembers trying to mutiny, or someone being kidnapped by an alien despotic race?
WAKKO: Except maybe the "temporal anomaly" part! (Dot glares at him)
UPN EXEC: Erm, OK....does your show involve any involve vampire-slaying?
UPN EXEC: Does it involve body-slams?
UPN EXEC: Sorry, can't use you.
WAKKO: But Viacom runs our show through your Nickelodeon subsidiary-thingy...
UPN EXEC: Oh, *that*. Well, thought you may as well hear it first---we're considering moving it to a timeslot other than 5:30 AM, but plan on using stock footage of you dropping slime on various "NickToon" characters while dressed in diapers like Rugrats...
(The sibs cringe at hearing this)
YAKKO: Aaaaahhh, I see. Come on sibs, let's go....
(Cut to the outside of the studio)
DOT: Well, what now?
WAKKO: Hmm...I know! We could try *Fo----
DOT: *NO*, Wakko.
WAKKO: Oh, right....forgot.
DOT: Hmm....there's always Univision, or Telemundo.... (Speaks in Spanish; translated here for our benefit) <Do you think we could get some of those people who do dubbed-over stuff for other languages who don't sound a thing like we do?>
YAKKO: (Also in Spanish) <Nah, and besides...we probably aren't that popular in Latin America anyway...>
(Zip pan to a town in Mexico...a sign reading "Fiesta de 'Animaniacs'" is in a living room, with various people watching a bunch of dubbed-over A! episodes on various videotapes, eating food, laughing, etc....zip pan back to the sibs.)
YAKKO: Well, there's only one alternative left, then....
DOT: (Shudders) Cable?
WAKKO: Public access?
YAKKO: No, sibs, I speak of the way animated programs were once distributed many many years ago....
YAKKO: YES! I speak of----*SYNDICATION*. (Dum-dum-duuuummmm....)
(Cut to some time later, still in L.A., as we see the sibs approach television station KWCD, channel 66...the building for KWCD looks like it's seen better days...)
YAKKO: Well sibs, here we are---the Los Angeles area's greatest second-rate UHF channel around! They'll be sure to let us film our show and distribute it to other stations around the country there!
WAKKO: Is this one of those stations that runs nothing but televangelists all day?
DOT: One of those stations that runs nothing but "the Impulse Buying Network" stuff all day?
YAKKO: (Looks in a TV Guide) Well, says here their top-rated show's actually "The Test-Pattern Hour", followed by "Shark Wrestling With Bobby Lee...This Week's Special Guest: the 'Crocodile Hunter' Guy"....
DOT: Sounds *thrilling*.... (sighs) C'mon....
(Cut to the inside of the station, with a run-down decor that suggests new furniture hasn't been purchased since the 70's... in the station manger's office, we see a heavy-set African-American man who sounds a lot like James Avery (of "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" fame). The sibs enter the office....)
MANAGER: (Shaking Yakko's hand) Greetings....the name's Arthur Grant. What can I do you kids for?
YAKKO: Well, sir, we have here the greatest show ever written!
YAKKO: Well, no. We left that script at home. But we've got this one that's *vaguely* as entertaining! (Hands him the script; he flips through it, and chuckles)
GRANT: Didn't think that line was *that* funny...why am I laughing? (Looks down to see Wakko's tickling his removed-shoes feet with a feather) Hey! (Wakko scrambles up) Look, it seems entertaining enough, but I'm afraid there's no way I can think of to produce your show...even if I wanted to, we don't really have much of a budget to spare...
YAKKO: Oh, but you *have* to! We've been to every major network!
GRANT: (raising an eyebrow) Even *Fox*??
YAKKO: Erm, no.
GRANT: Good move.
DOT: (Now dressed like Mary Tyler Moore) Oh, but *Mr. GRAAAAANT*! PLEEEASE! You've got to give us our own show! (sobs a bit) We've been off the air for the past several years, and we've done everything from go to the far future to helping foul-mouthed comedians get elected to higher office to starring in inane fanboy-written stories! (Sobs some more) Please.....
GRANT: Wellllll.... (the sibs look at him with their "big eyed" look) Oh, *fine*! We'll give you an airtime and a studio to use, but you'll have to live with our marginal budget....
YAKKO: (Pumping Mr. Grant's hand) Thank you, Mr. Grant....you won't regret this! Really. Seriously. Honestly.
GRANT: Uh.... OK....
(pick up here)
Katie meets the Cannibal...
(Cutting back to the villains' homebase, Katie has wriggled her way out of confinement, and is crawling for a way to escape the house of horrors)
Katie: I mustn't get angry...if I do, they'll be on to me. Careful, careful...
(A swarthy figure corners her)
Hannibal: Not careful enough, darling!
Katie: EEP! It's...it's...
Hannibal: Shhh, I prefer the silence! Now, what were we doing?
Katie: Um, er...
Hannibal: We were being a good little girl who was going to head back to the lab, weren't we?
Katie: Um, er...
Hannibal: Now, we will walk to the lab, and prepare for more experiments...
Katie: (Breaking her stammering) And what if I don't?
Hannibal: Well, you do know what I'm famous for, don't you?
Katie: Look, isn't that Clarice?
Hannibal: Where? (Hannibal is laid out by glassware. Katie runs off, followed by a staggering and slightly bloodied Hannibal)
Katie: Viva me!
Hannibal: Come back here, you devious little (bleep)! I'll make sure you don't see the next daylight.
(Katie grabs a gun from a dresser, and unloads 50 rounds in the door. Kicking through it, she runs off property, and hails a taxi)
Taxi Driver: (played by David "Buster Poindexter" Johansenn) Where to?
Katie: Where to? Anywhere! How far will 50 dollars take me?
Taxi Driver: 8 miles out, whatever direction you want!
Katie: Oooh, a buck doesn't go as far as it used to! Um, 8 miles West!
Taxi Driver: Sure thing, dollface!
(The taxi speeds off)
Taxi Driver: You look like (bleep), if you'll excuse me!
Katie: Normally, I'd get angry, but you're right! I was subjected to experimentation and imprisonment by a murderer, a super-intelligent baby and a scientist!
Taxi Driver: What are you, on dope?
Katie: You gotta believe me, they're real!
(Cut back to the compund, this time the lab)
Gene: After running her blood through the systems, I've concluded a few things. First off, Ms. Kaboom has type F blood. This blood type is shared by only a certain few people...all products of the same hospital, which was centered above a nuclear testing facility...all born in the early 80s, from 1981 to 1983. Secondly, half of those who have this blood died before their teen years. Third and finally, I have some DNA I've been stashing away...mostly celebrities, but a few murderers and deviants as well. Our army is at hand, and all we need to do is combine this blood with the DNA, and we'll have a sick army of vile machines, ready to destroy anyone at any cost, including the Warners.
Stewie: Mr. Splicer, you are a genius. We just need to run some observances on Katie...
(Hannibal comes bursting in)
Hannibal: That devious (bleep) is gone! She escaped!
Stewie: Great, what do we do now?
Gene: We create the army!
Stewie: Alright, step to it then!
(As it begins, we cut back to the Watertower. Ms. Jett is discussing ideas with...)
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN: Okay...I understand. They used to be all fun and zany, but in this twisted world, they've become more cynical and a little more bitter.
Joan: Exactly...and you've talked about the hardness of the world. I mean, most of the artists out there today, they wouldn't really last all that long. So, I ditched the currency game plan, and tried the immortal plan on for size.
Bruce: Hmm, I've got some lyrics for a new theme..."The world out there/It used to be so zany/Now its still crazy/But in a different way/We need to laugh all we can/At the pain and the problems/Only then, will there be a better day"...
Joan: Hmm..."Will they survive in a world of ruins?/Cliches and problems all"...Um, I'm stuck.
Bruce: That's okay. We have ideas to talk about.
Voice: (Off-screen) Let me then!
Bruce: Oh my, that was the person I first called. They still think the meeting is on. Let me get the door.
(Joan opens the tower door, and the person she dialed before Bruce enters. It is...)
---PICK UP HERE---
Looking at the various tangents of this thing...
[The person at the door of Joan Jett's house is....Sean "P.Diddy" Combs]
P. DIDDY: Hey, about time you opened up!
JOAN: (Making a face) *P. Diddy*?! *He's* who you were talking to?!
BRUCE: Well, I tried to ditch him, but---
P. DIDDY: Aw, c'mon! I just wanted to "sample" a little bit of your first through third albums for my next single! *Pleeeease*?!?
BRUCE: (Rubs his head) Come on in, and we'll talk about it. (Pauses) Hmm....perhaps in exchange for the rights, you can help us come up with a theme song for this new TV show...
JOAN: It stars the Warner siblings....heard of them?
P. DIDDY: The guys who managed to get that crazed Detroit cop elected to higher office? Yeah, I heard of them....
JOAN: Good. (Hands P. Diddy a pile of blank music sheets) Start writing....and no *copying off our papers*!
P. DIDDY: Awwww.....
(As the musicians set to work, let's cut to the second tangent of the story....namely, the Warners. Back at KWCD-TV, we see they're hard at work trying to make do with the limited resources of channel 66's facilities....)
DOT: OK, I think I've got this set fixed up... (pan to see a mock-up of the Water Tower, made out of a washtub, funnel, and several stepladders; the "WB" shield looks crudely painted/fastened on....)
YAKKO: Wanna give it a go?
DOT: Sure... Wakko, cue up the orchestra!
DOT: (Sighs) Hit "play".
WAKKO: Oh, right.... (runs over to a small boom box, and hits "play". A tape with the A! opening theme music starts up...)
(The sibs rush up into the makeshift "water tower", and get inside. As the music hits their cue, they emerge from the "tower"'s door like in the A! title scene)
WARNERS: (Singing) It's time for A-ni-ma-ni-aaaacs....and we're----HUH?!
(The "tower", unable to take the strain of their weight, collapses underneath them, sending them sprawling to the floor. Meanwhile, the tape itself, being played on the station's very used boom box, begins to squeak at a faster speed, finally ejecting the tape, with the tape itself unravelled. The sibs all look at each other.)
DOT: Tell me again there's another way to get back on the air.
YAKKO: OK.... "there's another way to get back on the air".
DOT: Not funny.
YAKKO: Wakko thought it was.
WAKKO: (Giggling) "tell me again there's another way"! Hee hee! (Giggling slows to a stop, as he sees the other two sibs looking at him oddly) Sorry.
DOT: Well, I guess we're gonna have to somehow get more money, so we can buy actual *sets*. But how?
WAKKO: Bake sale? (Licks his lips)
YAKKO: Sell ad time with scantily-clad models? (Wiggles his eyebrows)
DOT: Hey, that's it!
YAKKO: Finally, she sees the light. *HELLOOOOOO, NUR---*
DOT: (Interrupting) Not *that*---I mean, the ad time! Once we secure some sponsors, we can use their money to get some *cute* new props!
YAKKO: Then let's do it! (They all "spin-change" into ad exec-type clothes, and take off....)
(Cut away from the Warners' fund-raising efforts, and to.... Stewie and Splicer in their sinister, location-still-unknown lair. Stewie eyes on a computer screen various possible characters to use to transform into sinister creations....)
STEWIE: Hmm...no, that's not it. (Goes to another picture, this one of Superboy) No...tried controlling him already. (Goes to a picture of the Powerpuff Girls) No, they'd do that insipid "beat me up right away" routine.... (Goes to a picture of the CEO's of now-bankrupt company Enron) Hmm....bloodthirsty ravenous amoral CEO's? (Pauses) Nah.... too type-cast. (To Splicer) SPLICER! Do you have those magazines yet? Perhaps some famous figures might do...someone those Warners would never suspect....
SPLICER: (Carrying a pile of "Newsbleak"s and "Entertainment Bi-Weekly"s) Um, here ya go, Stewie. (Picks up one mag, showing a photo on the cover of Mel Gibson) How's about this guy? Hear that female Warner-thing likes him a lot....
STEWIE: No, too obvious. Oh, blast---just one person won't do. We'll be needing *lots* of people---enough of them to turn into hideous creatures willing to go after those siblings! But *who*??
(As Stewie ponders this thought, let's cut back to.... Axel Foley, who's apparently finally reached Burbank, and has met up with the lab mice.)
BRAIN: So, you weren't able to obtain an address for their lair?
AXEL: No....checked Splicer's last known lab, along with Stewie's hometown, and they aren't in either place. My guess is, they have some new hidden lab somewhere in L.A....
BRAIN: Hmph....that little monster keeps managing to find all these new hideouts. I must think....where could they be hiding? What are they up to?!? How do we stop them?!?
PINKY: Um, Brain....what about the Warners? POIT! I thought we were going to go on their new TV-show-thingy so you could do another ill-fated take-over-the-whole-world-whatchamawhosits-thingy!
BRAIN: Pinky, please....we have a more pressing concern!
PINKY: I know...just didn't want to stand them up. I really hate that---remember when I invited Tom Arnold to my birthday party and he didn't show?
BILLIE: Well, I'm sure that he was a busy man, Pinks....did you remember to put a stamp on his invitation?
PINKY: Stamps? (Scratches his head) I knew I forgot something, NARF!
AXEL: Fine...so where do you want to go, Brain?
BRAIN: I'd rather we began searching for the whereabouts of those rogue geniuses. No doubt, they've probably already sent some sort of agents after us....or have some vile trick up their sleeves. Thus, our first move is to head for the Burbank branch of ACME Labs...
PINKY: Oooh, it'll be just like old times!
BRAIN: We're not going for a homecoming, we're going to use the lab's computers to try to do an Internet trace, and possibly some hacking, to discover their whereabouts....anything we turn up may be of aid to us---an online order, their banking records, even possibly their *own* computer systems! Plus, if need be, we'll be able to use the lab's equipment to properly prepare for whatever it is that they're attempting to pull...
PINKY: Oooh, I like hacking, Brain!
BRAIN: You *do*?
PINKY: Oh, yes. Lint balls tend to make me do that, you know....
BRAIN: And your stupidity tends to make me do *this*.... (whaps Pinky on the head; Pinky giggles) Now come...let us be--- (Brain gets whapped on the head...) (Dazed/annoyed) Now, who---- (looks up to see Billie standing there, staring at him sternly) BILLIE?! Why did you---
BILLIE: (Annoyed) Like I said, Eggy, *I'll* take care of "disciplining" PInky when I'm around---in a way that doesn't involve beatin' him up... (To Pinky) You OK, Pinky?
PINKY: Oh, yes....it's OK, really! Besides the splitting headache and all....
BRAIN: Enough of this! Come, let us be off---- to the lab! (All four exit the scene....)
(pick up here)
(Whew thank God! I thought you guys had abandoned this story. Well on with the plot)
(Meanwhile a few miles near Axel and Brain's location sits a black car. Inside, it's occupants; 2 men dressed in black suits, one with black curly hair and one with brown hair, are performing an act of immense evil).
Guy #1: No way! That can't be right.
Guy #2: It is trust me.
Guy #1: Okay, but what do they call Pizza Hut in France?
Guy #2: They call it Le Hut de Pizza.
Guy #1: No way.
Guy #2: Seriously.
Guy#1: Okay then what do they call Taco Bell in Mexico?
Guy #2: Easy the only clean restaurant in the country.
(They both laugh)
Guy #1: Ahhh it's funny because it's true.
(Suddenly the radio blares)
Stewievoice) Hey are you idiots there!
Guy #2: (grabs the radio) Mr. Indigo here sir, what can we do for you?
Stewie: I have reason to believe that that profane bureucrat has met up with Brain. This should be an ample opportunity to capture them all.
Mr. Indigo: Yes sir, should we use the special cartoon capture gear you gave us?
Stewie: (sarcastically) No, I gave it to you so it could sit in the car and collect dust.
Guy #1: That's an odd reason to give us equipment.
Stewie: I was being sarcastic you Reservoir Dogs rejects! Now get them and don't fail me, I've already dispatched operatives to capture the Warners, that abyssmal Squirrel, and that annyoing escaped teen. But if this plan falls through, my silent partners will not be happy.
Mr. Indigo: You can count on us sir, Indigo out (he hangs up) Well Mr. Teal are you ready to move in?
Mr Teal: I guess, I just wish I didn't get such a stupid color nickname.
Mr. Indigo: At least you were lucky not to get Turquoise. Now get the bola bazoooka, the unbreakable net, and a few other items, we must attack while we have the element of surprise.
Mr. Teal: Right (he gets out and opens the trunk) Ughhh how come this stuff is so heavy?
Mr. Indigo: Because it's special idiot, now hurry up.
Mr. Teal: You could help.
Mr. Indigo: Fine (he grabs a small pistol) There now let's get set up, I can't wait till those fools find out what the boss has planned for them.
Mr. Teal: It's so evil I can't reveal it for fear of giving away the plot.
Mr. Indigo: Neither can I (to the camera) But stay tuned because it'll be great!
Mr. Teal: Who are you talking to?
Mr. Indigo: Shut up and come on.
A motive and some movement...
(Cut back to Bruce and Joan, who've stepped outside the apartment and are chatting over buffalo wings)
Joan: You really screwed up, "Boss"! I'm sorry, but P. Diddy...Puff Daddy...John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt...whatever the (bleep) they call him...
Bruce: Look, he's doing a theme song for us! It might be an original!
Joan: Yeah, "might" being the operative word...
(Cut back to Joan's apartment. Combs is going through her records and CDs)
P. Diddy: Alright, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it and got it! 6 samples! Hail the beast that is unoriginality!
(Diddy whips out a cellular phone)
P. Diddy: (Having dialed up) Hey, Stewie! I made it into Joan's inner sanctum, and boy, is the sampling good...
Stewie: You bloody twit! You weren't supposed to looking for samples...that was just an unspoken guise! You're there to get the medical records in Joan's safe. She somehow got possession of the birth certificates of the "Type F Babies", and you're busting open the safe for me. If this genetic holocaust is going to happen, then get it done!
P. Diddy: Alright...ooh, a four-lock!
(P. Diddy opens the safe with the combination "17-14-3-11". The safe opens, and a heavenly light exudes from inside)
Stewie: Now, grab the records and run like (bleep)!
P. Diddy: But they asked me to work on a theme song for the new "Animaniacs".
Stewie: Like I give a (bleep)...just leave a quick note, and SCRAM!
(P. Diddy does so, then runs off, as we dissolve to a street fair that Katie wanders about. Background music: "Let's Go Crazy" by Prince)
Katie: Hmm, I've been running and hiding for quite a while now. I think it's time to eat.
(Katie walks over to a cotton-candy stand, and talks to herself.)
Katie: Well, I don't think Hannibal will find me here.
Samantha: (V.O) Did you say "'Hannibal"?
Katie: (Gulping) Um, yes!
Samantha: (Turning around) Meet me over by the music swap, and we can talk!
(Katie, after getting her cotton candy, does so)
Samantha: So, you're a Lecter victim, too, eh?
Katie: Well, I escaped death by him, if that's what you mean. You see, he's been taking care of a super-genius baby named Stewie Griffin, and I was strapped to a gurney to have a blood sample taken by this little brat and his cohorts. I had to escape, knowing that Hannibal Lecter was in the house, so I ran, and now I'm here. Anyway, why do you ask about the guy?
Samantha: Because, darling, I saw him commit a murder. He, on a visit to New York, abducted a scientist from ACME Labs, my former employer, and then chomped his face off, dislocated his skull and cracked his jaw. He noticed me, and vowed to get me. Um, would you care to go to my house?
Katie: Sure, I think it would be safe.
Samantha: Okay, my car's out front!
(Samantha and Katie walk to her car, as we cut to the WBC writer's room)
Captain Caps: So, alan, this is our writer's room. I think you'll like it here.
alan: I'm sure I will!
Captain Caps: Look around, and pick out a spot to write at.
(Caps turns his attention to Brainatra)
Brainatra: Look, I know you'll ask why I included Sean Combs. An answer will come to me, alright?
Caps: Actually, I wanted to know if you changed your mind and started to like his music, or if you always have?
Brainatra: Um, hold on...the answer's coming...
---Pick Up Here---
(Glad to be allowed in your inner sanctum. This is coming out better than my rough draft, now I'm gonna increase the cast size just a bit).
(Back at Stewie's secret headquarters, the evil toddler is perusing over magazines when Splicer enters)
Splicer: I have some information that I think will please you.
Stewie: I hope so, I'm upset because I'm wondering I hired that unoriginal idiot Mr. Combs. After all the times he's dated that tramp J-LO I'm beginning to think he can't handle this job.
Splicer: Anyway sir, I've performed extensive tests on the samples of blood I have and I discovered a few things.
Stewie: Oh like what?
Splicer: Well the blood contains special mutant cells I have dubbed "Ka-boom cells".
Stewie: Oh how original.
Splicer: Anyway when the cells mix with hormones they begin to mutate which I believe causes the girls transformation. When the cells have mutated to a certain point, the stress of the mutation causes them to explode with the force of a bomb. Somehow the holder of these cells survives.
Stewie: Get to the point.
Splicer: I have tested a formula based on Miss Ka-boom's blood on several of my creatures. They have survived, and I believe it is ready to be used by a more intelligent host.
Stewie: Excellent whip up more of this stuff I have a few people already selected for testing, they'll be here shortly.
Splicer: What do we do about Miss Ka-boom?
Stewie: We must get her back before she blabs about our secret project. Fortunately one of my silent partners has sent a rather capable mercenary to help us.
Splicer: You know it occurs to me I haven't met these silent partners of yours.
Stewie: They're the ones who made the governement fund all this stuff. Currently they're trying to eliminate the paper trail that can be traced to us. But that aside, I'd like to introduce our new ally and guest star mister John Corben.
(John Corben a.k.a Metallo walks into the room)
Stewie: A pleasure to meet you Mr. Corben you come highly recommended.
Metallo: I see my reputation preceeds me, So who do you need eliminated?
Stewie: Actually I need the person recaptured, she escaped from us and I fear she may leak information about my illegal doings. (He hands him a dossier) Here is a small file I compiled on her.
Metallo: (scanning through it) You can't recapture a teenage girl? What kind of leader are you?
Stewie: (angrily) She's no ordinary teen! Whenever she gets angry she transforms into a giant monster. It won't be easy.
Metallo: I've taken on Superman, so this girl will be a piece of cake. But I'll need a few items.
Stewie: Just charge whatever you need to the government, those idiots in Washington will pay for our (finger quoting) "buisiness expenses." And speaking of the big S try to keep this job discreet I don't want him to know you're here. Then he'll get involved and probably tell his allies, then I'll have the whole (bleep)ing Justice League to contend with. I don't have anything to handle that Martian Manhunter.
Metallo: I'll try, but I can't promise there won't be property damage.
Stewie: Destroying stuff is fine, do what you have to just get her back!
Metallo: (grinning evily) I think I can handle that.
(Splicer comes closer to Stewie)
Splicer: (whispering) A Superman villain, isn't that a little extreme?
Stewie: (whispering) Perhaps but he's easy to control. Besides he's better than that Lobo fellow.
(Cut to a waiting room, Lobo and Roxie Rocket are sitting on a couch. Lobo has his arms crossed angrily, and frequently looks at his watch. Roxie is reading People).
Roxie: Do you think Stewie will call us?
Lobo: He fraggin well better.
(Cut back to lab)
Stewie: Well Mr. Corben I leave you to your task, Hannibal told me he was going to show some of his home movies and I can't miss those. Splicer, continue your expierements and inform me when you're done.
Splicer: Of course sir.
Stewie: Good, Mr. Giraffe inform me when my guests arrive (The camera pans to a stuffed giraffe) Well I'm off, Hannibal's home movies don't watch themselves (everyone departs for thier various jobs).
(Back in Burbank the Warners are still trying thier fundraising efforts)
Yakko: Okay so far we've been sponsored by Long John Silver's, Sal's Delicattesen, and some guy on the street named Arnie.
Wakko: I liked him, he gave me twenty cents.
Dot: That won't buy us a pencil.
Yakko: Right, we need important sponsors somone people care about.
Wakko: Mr Rogers!
Yakko: Ehhhhh I was thinking a buisness of some type.
Wakko: How about McDonalds? We eat there enough.
Dot: He may have a point.
Yakko: Well let's keep trying, I don't want to be in a commerical with Ronald or his deformed friends.
Dot: Yeah you're right, besides I'm much cuter than Birdie.
Wakko: I want to eat Mayor McCheese.
Some advertise, some don't...
(A brief montage is set to the song "Money" by Pink Floyd. We see the Warners talking to several executives of big corporations, mostly getting cries of "Yeah Right" and swift kicks to their collective behinds. We also see Stewie downing a glass of Chianti with a wide-eyed look on his face, while Hannibal says things like "and there were his arms, ten bites a piece. Infected and BOOM!". We see Katie and Samantha drinking glasses of iced tea while looking over issues of "Soldier Of Fortune", marking off items with pencils. Finally, we cut to the Burbank branch of ACME Labs, where Brain and crew make their entrance as the montage ends)
Pinky: Just like old times! NARF!
Brain: Yes, but we're not here for the memories...we're here to get information. Now, Pinky, go to that switch, and turn it on when I say so. Billie, give the keyboard a quick dusting. Axel, walk the perimeter and look for anything unusual.
Axel: Shouldn't be too (bleep)ing hard!
(Axel walks outside, and gives the lab several walk-arounds. Across the street, a woman stares at him, waiting for the right moment. This is the by-now familiar Lisa Chapman, "The Incompleted One", called so because her big debut story "Spaced-Out Warners" was never completed. She's accompanied by her sister Nora, voiced by Nancy McKeon)
Nora: That's the scumbag who killed dad! Didn't you smash his pinky finger with a hammer?
Lisa: He must've gotten prosthetics. (BLEEP)! We need to get him. Wait, why is he outside ACME Labs anyway?
Nora: You think those (bleep)ing mice might have something to do with it?
Lisa: Probably. Wait for the pitcher of mai-tais to arrive. We'll drink to our health, and then kick a little (bleep)!
Nora: Mai-Tai...Polynesian word for dumb-(bleep)!
(Cut away from the laughing murderers, and back to Joan's apartment. She and Bruce walk in, and notice that Diddy-head disappeared)
Joan: Hello? Echo! Great! Isn't that just like a thug to do such a thing?
Bruce: Well, at least he left us some notes.
Joan: Try one! (Joan starts reading) "Dear guys...Stock, Aitken and Waterman called. They wanted to unload their songs for some sampling. I couldn't resist, so I had to leave. God bless, and peace to my n(bleep)s! P. Diddy". No song...(bleep)!
Bruce: Um, Joan, what happenned to your safe?
Joan: (Alarmed) Why?
Bruce: You've been cased!
Joan: How can you tell?
Bruce: The doorjamb to your safe is loose, that's how!
Joan: Oh, (bleep)! How could he let somebody get in here? Don't all rappers carry guns?
(Cut from this scene to Samantha's house)
Katie: So, I say to the guy "I'm like this all year. It's a natural thing".
Samantha: You think so?
Katie: It has to be. I mean, we all get angry sometimes, right?
Samantha: Yes, I suppose so. Anyway, have you talked to Brain recently?
Katie: No, not since '98. That was a long time ago. Things were simpler then.
Samantha: I'll drink to that!
(The two hold their glasses of iced tea aloft)
Katie and Samantha: To the past! Cheers!
(As the glasses clink, we cut to Stewie's compound. The door rings. Dr. Splicer walks to get it)
Dr. Splicer: Who is it?
P. Diddy: It's Sean Combs! Let me in!
Dr. Splicer: Step right in!
(As the door opens, Sean runs to the lab)
Dr. Splicer: Hey, did you get my materials?
P. Diddy: Yep...all the information is here. Want me to start feeding it to the system?
Dr. Splicer: Go ahead! I'll be with you in a moment! I just need to send out some people...
(Dr. Splicer walks off as we cut to...)
---PICK UP HERE---
Paring the cast size a bit, & slightly refocusing this thing...
(Cut to the Burbank branch of ACME Labs....inside, we see the lab’s changed little since the “Animaniacs” days---the usual test tubes, etc. are all present. At a computer, we see Brain is busy typing away (via his mechanical hand-stalks), with Billie, Pinky, and Axel looking onward....)
BRAIN: Hmm....no, no, *NO*! None of my usual computer talents seem to be working! I’m....
PINKY: A no-talent hack-er? WA-HAHAHAHA! (Falls over laughing)
BILLIE: (Also doubled over with laughter) Yeah...good one, Pinky....
BRAIN: (Raising an eyebrow) I wouldn’t be so jovial, given the circumstances... (Shakes his head, and turns back to the computer screen) Still, I’m having no luck in locating any sign of them.... (slams his fist on the edge of the keyboard) Blast it!
BILLIE: (Stops laughing) Eggy....maybe we’d have better luck if we all regrouped with the Warners. They gave us over the phone the address they’re doing that new show of theirs in....
BRAIN: But my next hour of computer hacking *may* uncover *something* about those miscreants.
BILLIE: Hmm...don’t worry, Eggy, fortunately *I’ve* got that covered.
BRAIN: *You*? How so?
(Billie runs off, and swiftly returns with what looks like a mouse-sized laptop computer)
BILLIE: I built this so I could have a way of doing my freelance writing while on the go....I call it---the *Pinkpad*!
PINKY: Ooooh, it has part of my name in it! HAHAHA!
BILLIE: (Grinning at Pinky) With the processing power and wireless Internet access I packed into this thing, I can use it to automatically scour the Internet for any sign of those two villians....
BRAIN: I see. And just *what sort* of program could possibly do what I spent *hours* trying to do?
BILLIE: Well, um, this one... (points to a program icon named “Auto-Hacker, version 1.1b2”.) Wrote it myself when I was bored on a slow day...
BRAIN: A “slow day” for you seems to consist of a day when you haven’t come up with using some incredible scientific advance to engage in some inane activity with Pinky.
BILLIE: That’s not true! (Pauses) Just wasn’t sure if I could use those cold fusion mechanics I sketched out on a napkin to power Pinky’s radio-controlled car... seein’ as it seemed kind of excessive to power a toy car and all. (Brain’s eyes widen, and he utters “cold fusion?!?”) So I chucked the napkin in the trash and just got some “C” batteries from Rite-Aid.... (Brain slaps his face, and groans)
AXEL: (Rolling his eyes) Lovely....now can we get going now? I’d like to get those Warners’ stupid “humiliate-Axel-with-cheap-cracks” stuff out of the way....
BRAIN: (Flatly) *Indeed*. Come along, Billie, Pinky....before I find out what *other* innovations you placed in the recycling bin....
(They all exit...cut to Stewie, Hannibal & Splicer, who're inside the main room of their facilities. Splicer's finishing perfecting his formula, Hannibal's going through various 16 mm film reels, and Stewie is on the phone with his previous two "agents", the "Reservoir Dogs"-esque guys...)
STEWIE: That's right....perform that one task, and then I'm letting you go. (Squaking noises heard) Well, I'm sure Taratino'll be willing to hire you. Good day.... (hangs up, then redials) Just finished paring down a few extras. Last thing we need is to have such high overhead, especially with what we're paying Metallo.... I also took the liberty of cancelling the need of those two "special guest volunteers" I requested---I have a much *more* vile use for that formula! (Giggles) Are you finished yet, Splicer?
SPLICER: (Holding up a tube) All finished...
STEWIE: Excellent. Then since Metallo is putting phase one of the plan in action, time to begin phase two.... thanks to those "Reservoir Dog" cretins, I've managed to locate which television station they're filming that series at. Soooooo.... (dials the station's number, and puts a piece of cloth over the receiver) Hello? Is this station manager Mr. Grant? Yes, my name is.... (mutters) drat, what sort of name do those ad hacks use these days? Ah, yes... (to the phone) Mr. Chip Flipman, an ad executive for the big company, er, (using the villains' initials of their last names) G-S-L Inc. We're prepared to offer those puppy-children of yours $47 million to sponsor their show, of which your station shall also reap part of the windfall. (Sounds of Mr. Grant getting excited) Yes, now, before we finish the deal, I'll need to see all of the show's staff at the station---puppy children, laboratory mice, what-have-you. OK? Thank you...tata---you too....toodles! (Hangs up, and laughs) Excellent....
HANNIBAL: What's the plan, Stewie?
STEWIE: Oh, you'll see....*you'll see*.... (Sinister music...)
(Cut to KWCD-TV, sometime in the early evening....a banner hangs on the outside reading “Coming Soon: ‘All-New Animaniacs: the Animated Series’”... the sky is filled with stars, and a few clouds roll across the sky...inside, we see the entire station's staff is there, including the stars of the A!-revival attempt: the KWCD station crew, Mr. Grant, the Warners, the lab mice, Axel Foley, Slappy Squirrel, Joan Jett, and Bruce Springsteen. All look highly excited...well, save for Brain.)
SLAPPY: Can we get this syndicated-mishmash-thingamajig started already? “Judge Judy”’s on in ten minutes.
BRAIN: Soon---preferably after we’ve found Stewie’s lair. How is that coming, Billie?
BILLIE: (At her laptop) Just a sec..... (hits a key) There! I’ve configured it to automatically attempt a trace on anything matching our required information needs, gain access into said system the information’s in, and download it to the laptop.
BRAIN: All that from *one* computer program.... vs. the vast amounts of hacking experience I’ve had to perform over the years.
BILLIE: Well, I *did* have some help. (Brain looks at her inquisitively) Linux. Using it at the laptop’s underlying OS. What’d you think I was going to say?
BRAIN: I.... (stops in mid-sentence) Oh, never mind.... (turning to Wakko) So, you say that company is offering you $47 million to sponsor *this* show? Strange...
WAKKO: I know....isn't it *wonderful*?! Now I can afford to order all the pizzas I want!
(A knock on the main entrance is heard...Wakko goes to open it. We see a pizza delivery guy holding several boxes of pizza. Wakko pays him, and heads back inside....)
WAKKO: Yum! It's got cheese and pepperoni!
(He puts the pizza on the table, and everybody takes a slice and digs in....)
BRAIN: (Eating) So, Ms. Jett, someone broke into your safe, and swiped birth certificates of the "Type F" infants?
JOAN: Please, Brain, call me Joan... but yes, that's what happened. Have to guess that that no-talent hack "P. Diddy" was involved. I'm also missing 10 CD's.... no clue what he's planning.
BRAIN: (Eating some more)) No, but I can guess.... I've heard of the "Type F infants" case--various infants born with genetic mutations in the late 70's and early 80's. And since it appears that one of those infants was Ms. Katie Ka-Boom, I can only assume that Stewie and Splicer are after Ms. Ka-Boom for some aspect of her "unique" talents. What sinister, vile task they have in mind, I'm not sure....
DOT: So, Bruce.... (hopping into her arms) I was thinking, for the first two shows, there'd be nothing but duets with you and me, followed by---
SLAPPY: Can it, Missy----he ain't interested in someone who gets carded at the theaters.
DOT: But I'm *70*-something....
SLAPPY: Yeah, tell it to child services. (To Bruce) So, Brucey.... (quickly puts on some lip gloss) Wanna go hit the town after this thing's over?
BRUCE: Er, sorry, Slappy, ah....maybe some other time.
SLAPPY: OK.. .(whips out an appointment book) How's 3:30 tomorrow sound? "Montel" will be off by then....
MR. GRANT: (Holding up a cup filled with punch) Attention, everyone! Thanks to these fine children (The Warners grin and take a bow), they've single-handedly managed to put this station on solid financial ground for the first time in years! (all clap) So, here's to the Warners, and the future success of their show!
BRAIN: (Who didn't join in the "hurrah") Hmph... something's still not right about this.... I don't trust this at all...
(Pan over to see a row of TV monitors behind the group, displaying "The Indian-Head-Test-Pattern Variety Half-Hour"; suddenly, the pattern vanishes, as the screen goes to static....)
MR. GRANT: What th--?! (Seeing the monitors) Hey, we're not scheduled for sign-off until after "Colored-Bars-Test-Pattern-Theater" goes off....
(The bank of monitors soon blink back on, with all of them displaying one image....)
STEWIE: Greetings, comrades. Your old "friend" Stewie Griffin here...
ALL: (Begin murmuring to each other)
BRAIN: (Angry) I *knew* it! (To the monitors) All right, Stewie, what's your game this time?!?
PINKY: Yeah, you bad, naughty baby, you! Someone should put you to bed without your bottle! (Pauses) Or without burping you anyway, POIT...
STEWIE: (Hearing this) My game? Oh, it's a delightful one, and I'm sure you'll all enjoy it.... I trust you're all rested? Well-fed?
WAKKO: Not really... (pats his stomach) Don't think I had enough extra-extra-cheese on *my* slice of pizza...
STEWIE: Good....because I'm going to let you in on a little secret: MY EVIL SCHEME! (Dum-dum-duuuumm.... Stewie does that "shifting his eyes back and forth" bit) As you may or may not be aware, Dr. Splicer and several of my agents have arranged to provide me with the secret of Katie's monster-transformation abilities. Thanks to this formula (Holds up a vial) I shall have a whole army of mutant creatures which I'll use to take over the *world*!
BRAIN: (Angry) Over my dead body---or anyone else's...besides, you'll never find any *willing* volunteers....
STEWIE: Au contraire, my rodent friend.... I trust you enjoyed that pizza of yours?
BRAIN: I fail to see what that Italian-derived dish has to do...with... (Eyes widen, and a look of panic crosses his face) You *DIDN'T*?!?
STEWIE: Oh, yes..
BILLIE: (Also looking shocked) You *DID*....
STEWIE: (Chuckles) *Yes*...
PINKY: Um...did what?
BRAIN: Pinky...the pizza...that little brat's laced it with that *formula* of his!
(All begin looking panicked; Stewie laughs)
STEWIE: Don't worry, Brain, I didn't lace *all* of them....
(They all sigh with relief)
STEWIE: Just four slices at random. Soon, very soon, four of you shall find yourselves transforming against your will into some sort of horrific creatures, only willing to destroy, maim, and *KILL*!
(All once more begin looking panicked, some screaming...they begin racing for the door, but find they can't get it open)
STEWIE: Oh, don't bother trying to leave...my "reservoir Dogs" agents have, in their last act under my employ, sealed off the entire building. Not even those Warners' inane cartoon trickery or that elderly squirrel's explosives can allow them to escape! (Billie looks at the heating ducts) Don't bother with those either. I've sealed off *that* cliched escape route as well.
BRAIN: I gather this means you've somehow disabled the "ka-boom" aspect of the formula?
STEWIE: Of course...I just want four of you to transform into hideous monsters and kill your comrades with your bare hands. Much more effective than some cartoonish explosion. And the best part of all is, none of you will know *which* four will *become* the monsters until it's too late! (Laughs, as Brain angrily stares at the monitors) Oh, and one more thing....just to fully cover my tracks, there's two other things I have to mention. One: (the monitor changes to an image of Metallo) Mr. Corben, aka "Metallo", is currently hunting down and trying to destroy one Ms. Ka-Boom. And two: (cut to Hannibal Lecter)
HANNIBAL: Hello, all. I'm somewhere inside the TV station as well....and I'm sure you're all just *dying* to meet me. (Does that "licking his lips rapidly" thing; all cringe with fear...)
STEWIE: So, all in all, I daresay this is one of my most *vile* plans yet....(laughs) And I'll be watching from the comfort of my still-secret lair... (Brain glances quickly at the still-processing laptop of Billie's) So, have fun, and stay safe.... *NOT*! (Laughs, as the monitors blink off...)
PINKY: Brain...what'll we do?!? Any of us, *any of us* could be a hideous creature... (he glances at Axel)
AXEL: (Flatly) Not (bleep)in' funny. Now what'll we do?! I ain't dyin' in some horror movie-type scenario---did any of you (bleep)s see "Aliens"?!?
BILLIE: I did... but anyway (walks over to the pizza crusts) I think if we could somehow get back to the Lab, I could analyze the composition of the formula and create an antidote...or I suppose, something to defend ourselves from any monsters or Mr. Lecter.
BRAIN: But the laboratory is miles from here....and we're sealed in, remember?
MR. GRANT: Hmm.... there *is* some old lab equipment and chemicals at the far other end of the station in storage...we used to use 'em for the "Mr. Scientist-Type-Guy" show before we cancelled it back in '92... maybe something *there* could help you?
BILLIE: (Sighs) Well, I suppose beggars can't be choosy. Come on, let's go....
WAKKO: Wait....what about the monsters? How do we know they aren't tricky? (Glares at Billie) Or that *you* could be the monster? (The sibs whip out their mallets and look at her)
BILLIE: Oh, come on....*me* a monster? (Fidgets) If anyone, I'd figure the most easily-aggravated guys here would be prime candidates....
(The sibs turn towards Slappy and Axel...)
SLAPPY: Hey, hey! I ain't no monster... besides, we're regular characters. Or at least, *I* am. Vs., oh, Joanie-baby over there... (the sibs turn to Joan)
JOAN: Hardly.... look, blaming ourselves won't get us anywhere.
WARNERS: *Ourselves*?! (They turn towards each other)
DOT: OK, Wakko....just set the mallet down nicely, if you *aren't * really a monster.
WAKKO: OK...um...you go first, *Yakko*...if that *is* your real name.
YAKKO: Oooohh, *clever line*, Mr. "Coffee-Drinking/Eating Frenzy"....
BRAIN: Enough of this! I suggest we head for the storage facility....and try to keep our guard....
PINKY: Um...OK, Brain... (gulps)
BILLIE: Care to hold my hand, Pinky?
PINKY: Well, erm, OK, Billie... if it'll make it stop shaking in a not-fun-fun-silly-willy way.
(He does so...Billie flashes a brief grin at Brain, who rolls his eyes, and the group all take off, Billie's laptop still churning away at finding the villains' hideout... sinister music plays, as we see storm clouds hovering over the station...).
(Pick up here)
At Sam's shooting range...
(With Pat Benatar's "You Better Run" playing in the background, Katie and Samantha are unloading bullets at various targets)
Katie: Wow, I'm still amazed at the fact that you got your own shooting range.
Samantha: Well, with grant money and a friendship with the NRA, all things are possible. I'm doing it for the day Hannibal and I meet again.
Katie: You think you will?
Samantha: Darling, all things have to happen sometime. When he sees me, he's gone!
Katie: I could help out.
Samantha: I'm keyed-up, strapped to the nines and ready to kick nuclear (bleep)!
Katie: Rock out with your Glock out!
Samantha: (Bleep) straight!
(Double bullets at a target, and then they high-five)
Samantha and Katie: OW!
(Cut to the station, where our group has made their way to the storage door...)
Joan: Well, who's going to open it?
Yakko: I will! (Yakko creaks open the door, and doesn't find lab equipment, but...)
Wakko: More doors!
Dot: Great, how did this happen?
Axel: (Bleep)ing janitor, maybe?
Brain: Well, my friends, it looks like we'll have to split up. It's for the best, maybe. We'll be away from each other so we won't have to worry about attacking each other when the transformation happens.
(The gang splits up, and each member heads through a door, one for each person in the group. Cut to Hannibal)
Hannibal: They're in, and now, to look around. I knew that hanging around cartoon characters would be to my benefit! Now for a meal!
(As Hannibal runs to the door, we cut to...)
---PICK UP HERE---
The Most Suspense-filled, horror-containing part of the story...
(Cut back to KWCD-TV, still at night, with the storm clouds over the station now emitting various bursts of thunder and lightning. Inside, we see that the gang has split up...)
(Cut to the Warners, who're walking with Mr. Grant and one of the KWCD staff, who bears a rather strong resemblance to Shaggy from "Scooby Doo"...)
STAFF GUY: Um, I really don't like this, Mr. Grant. I mean, what if one of *us* is a monster? I mean, I could be walking along, and I could vanish....*poof*, just like that.
YAKKO: Don't worry, Lanky...we split up, remember? This *always* works in horror movies.
DOT: I thought it *never* worked in horror movies. In fact, it's probably one of the biggest cliches *of* horror films.
YAKKO: Gee....then I guess Brain actually gave unwise advice. Who knew?
DOT: Not him...he probably thinks horror movies are "pureile pablum for the infantile, easily-entertained masses." (The sibs look at her) Got it from "The Atlantic".
(The group walks along the hallway further, and pass a shadowed part of the hallway. When they emerge, we see that two of them are missing: Wakko and Mr. Grant...)
YAKKO: So, Wakko, other than the horrific, mutagenic, life-threatening properties it contained, how'd you like the pizza? (No answer) Wakko? (Still no answer) *Wakkooooo*... (Turns around and sees the missing two)
LANKY: Aw, geez! We're gonna get killed...I know it. (Whining) Idon'twannadieIdon'twannadieIdon't---
(Suddenly, we hear two screams, along with what sounds like growling, and the sounds of torn cloth. The three run, retracing their steps. Soon, they stop, and find in front of them Wakko and Mr. Grant, lying on opposite sides of the hallway and looking as if they've suffered a nasty beating. Both of their clothes are in tatters...)
LANKY: (Gasping) Aw, geez! Like, what happened?!? (Shakes with fright...)
WAKKO: (Panting) Attacked...here....shirt....torn....sentences...incomplete. (Gulps, and looks frightened) Can't remember anything else..
MR. GRANT: (Panting) Last thing I remember is blanking out....next thing I know, I was lying here with my clothes in ruins....
LANKY: (Still frightened) Like, it was the *monster*! Either one of the others transformed and is loose, or (gulps) one of *you two* are the monster! (Passes out; Yakko catches him)
YAKKO: Looks like we'll have to take preventative measures. Dot, make sure Wakko and Mr. Grant here are well-protected from each other!
DOT: Sorry, Wakko, but we can't take any chances on us being torn into a million-zillion-itty-bitty-bloody pieces. (Reaches into Wakko's shirt, and pulls out his wacky sack. She begins digging around in it, trying to find something....)
(Cut to a short while later, as we see the gang proceed forward down the hall... Wakko and Mr. Grant are ensconsed in straight-jackets, unable to free their arms.)
MR. GRANT: This is more humiliating than the time "Static Screen Sunday" was beaten out by the Home Shopping Channel in the ratings....
WAKKO: (Trying to sound chipper) Don't worry---you get used to it! (Mr. Grant raisies an eyebrow at Wakko...)
(Fade from here, to another group: Axel, Joan, Bruce, Slappy, and several KWCD staff members...)
SLAPPY: There ain't no sign *anywhere* of some flippin' easy-bake chemistry set thingamajig. *Or* of some freakin' monster....
STATION STAFF MEMBER (an older guy in a janitor's outfit): Aren't you worried? I mean, I've been the janitor at this station since it was knee-high to a channel-changer, and this is the most frightening thing that's happened here in as long as I can remember. (Scratches his head) Just wish I could remember where that lab equipment was stored...would put me at ease. You're *sure* you're not scared?
SLAPPY: Nah. Faced all sorts of worse baddies in my cartoons. If we see any of 'em, I'll give 'em what's for. (Tosses a hand grenade up and down in her hand)
JOAN: Well, I'm hoping to just come out of this *alive*.
AXEL: Same here. I've got a (bleep) political career to get back to, and I ain't going to get killed or captured in some cliched horror movie manner. Besides, I should know about horrific-type stuff---I starred in "Vampire in Brooklyn", remember?
SLAPPY: Yeah, no kiddin'.....that film was so horrific, I had to use it as fodder fer my compost heap, heh, heh...
AXEL: OK, if you're gonna be that (bleep) way, I'm just gonna walk ahead of you (bleep)s....
JOAN: Hey, wait up...we've got to stick together, remember?
(Joan runs up after Axel, as does the Janitor....they all go around a darkened corner. Slappy keeps ambling along at her own pace...)
SLAPPY: (Frowning) Hmph. Don't like the sound of this...
STAFF MEMBER #2: What sound?
SLAPPY: Exactly. We oughta be hearin' screams or somethin' by this point.
STAFF MEMBER #2: Standard horror movie cliche?
SLAPPY: No, "Scooby Doo"...
(They all turn the corner, only to find the Janitor present.)
BRUCE: Um, dude...where'd Axel and Joan go?
(The Janitor only shrugs, as the others look around with bewilderment/nervousness...)
(Cut to the final group, the lab mice...Billie's still holding Pinky's hand, as Brain leads the way.)
PINKY: (Seeing how spiderweb-filled and dank the hallway is) Um, Brain? I don't like this....it's *scaaary*...and not in a fun way, POIT!
BRAIN: Not to worry, Pinky....I'm sure that Billie won't let anything happen to you. Particularly with how strongly she's holding your hand...
PINKY: Oh, Brain, that's OK.... maybe I can hold your hand?
BRAIN: Feh. I'm not a kindergardener...I don't need any hand holding.
BILLIE: That's OK, Pinky... I wanna hold your hand.....
PINKY: Ooooh, um, uh.... eight days a week?
BILLIE: Longer than *that*, even....
PINKY: Really? Um, I guess we might want to start using hand lotion---wouldn't want our hands to get all rough, NARF!
(Billie gushes with excitement and giggles, while Brain makes a face....)
BRAIN: (Flatly) Let's keep moving....
(They do so, with Brain still leading the way and Pinky trailing behind Billie...)
BILLIE: You know, Eggy, after all this is over, I'm considering submitting an article on all this to the New York Times' "Science" section.... with all the technological, genetic and other aspects of all this, I think they might be interested in a Sunday piece on all this! Either that, or something on the Warners' attempt at a new show. (They pass a shadowed part of the hallway) What do you think, Eggy? (No answer) Eggy? (Scratches his head) Um, Pinky...is Eggy behind you?
PINKY: Um, no, I don't think so.
BILLIE: (Gulps) That's what I'm afraid of....let's keep moving. I'm sure the lab equipment's stored around here somewhere. (They keep moving....) (Nervous) So, Pinks, maybe later on, we can go have some Thai food.... I'm sure you'd like to make little bows outta the noodles! Eh, heh... (nervous, as her laughter grows weaker) Just trying to make a little joke, Pinks. (No answer) Pinky? (Still no answer; Billie now looks even more worried) Oh, no....
(We see Billie retrace her steps back up the hallway, as we see various spiderwebs and dripping pipes fill the hallway. Suddenly, Billie sees something out of the corner of her eye, almost a blur of some sort zipping past. She tries to ignore it, and moves on. However, another, more noticeable blur zips by, catching her attention again. She continues on, now looking quite frightened. The music for this scene is very suspense-filled.)
BILLIE: (With her eyes squeezed shut) Please, please, *please*, don't let anything bad happen to Pinky. (Wipes a tear from her eye) Or Eggy either, I suppose. (Her walking continues, but she suddenly hears something behind her, that almost sounds like breathing.)
BILLIE: (Slowly turning) Please, Pinky or Eggy, *tell* me it's you.
(She completes her turn, and as we see her stare at something off-screen, she emits an extremely loud scream, as the background orchestra music reaches a crescendo. We then see her run at a breakneck pace down the hall, as fast as her feet can carry her, with some sort of blurred out figure hot on her trail. A few grunting and growling sounds can be heard emitted from the figure...)
(Billie reaches the door at the end of the hall, but sees that it's been shut. She decides to squeeze under the door, but the crack barely allows her to make it. She yanks her tail out from the door crack, as we hear loud growling noises come from behind the door, and the door rattling. Billie, having barely caught her breath, runs down the hall, trying to get as far away from where she'd just came....)
BILLIE: (Thoughts racing) What'll I do now? Can't go back there...but something might've happened to Pinky and Eggy.... what do I do, what do I do.... *huff*...*puff*... guess I can try finding one of the others. Strength in numbers, after all...something I gotta remind Eggy of--if I ever see him or Pinks again! (She comes to the two doors the two other groups went down, hesitates, then makes up her mind and picks the one that Slappy, Axel and co. went down...)
(Cut away from the station, to... Katie and Samantha. They seem to be taking in some karate practice on some straw dummy set up near the firing range.....however, nearby we see lurking in the bushes one John "Man with the kryptonite heart" Corben....)
METALLO: (Eyes glowing) Ah, yes....Ms. Kaboom and this "Samantha". Time to earn my *keep*.... (sinister grin)
(pick up here)
Caps attempts to write about a character he knows little about...
(Katie and Samantha are indeed practicing karate)
Katie: That documentary last night on Encore was some good stuff! HI-YAA!
Samantha: Wasn't it, though? They've been making that stuff since film first went to Asia! TAE-KWAN-DO!
Metallo: (Talking to himself) Aaah, there's nothing I love more than a woman trying to defend herself.
Samantha: Who said that?
Metallo: I did!
Katie and Samantha: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! (Both are frightened by his immense bulk)
Metallo: We can go the easy way, but that's too boring...Let's do it the hard way!
(Metallo grabs the two women, weakens them with a few quick punches, and spirits them over to Stewie's hide-out)
Stewie: (Hearing a knock at the door) Hopefully, that's the Chinese take-out I ordered for us.
(Stewie opens the door)
Metallo: Got your girl, and her new friend, too!
(Dissolve to Stewie's lab, where the women have come to)
Samantha: Where am I?
Katie: Aaagh! I'll tell you where we are...we're back in imprisonment!
Stewie: Hello, my sweets! Thought you could escape me, didn't you, Katie?
Katie: You monster! Who informed you?
Stewie: Your taxi driver friend! Bring him out!
(The driver, or more accurately, what's left of him, is wheeled out on a gurney. We can't see what happenned, but Katie and Samantha can)
Samantha: Oh my God, his face has been ripped apart!
Stewie: You have a good eye! 1 guess as to who did it!
Samantha: You don't mean...
(Stewie simply has a demonic look on his face, for no more needs to be said)
Stewie: Yes! Guess what...you get to see him again! Aren't you lucky? Ready the transporter, Splicer!
Splicer: (Flicking a switch) All systems go!
Stewie: Alright, Ms. Malden...we're warping you to KWCD-TV, where you'll run for your life against your friend Hannibal!
(Samantha is thrown into a pulsating pool of blue light, and then we see her traveling through the unknown, finally crash-landing in the studios)
Samantha: (Bleep)! He could be anywhere! Good thing I bought along "Little Freddy" (Samantha whips out a Glock from her denim jacket, and a full clip from the pocket of her jeans) Come on, you (bleep)ard! Let's boogie!
(As Samantha runs off, both for her life and to avoid Hannibal, we cut to...)
---PICK UP HERE---
Last edited by Captain Caps; 01-20-2002 at 12:11 PM.