REPOST of "Very Wakko Thanksgiving" CONTINUED, plus NEW PART
(Cut to Akom, watching this all from the back)
AKOM: (Demonically) Ha ha! A "Three-KO"! If that crash doesn't kill him, I don't know what will! My girl's done good! Now to get the rest!
MINION: Um, not to bug you, sir, but they're already on their way to the hospital!
AKOM: (Furiously) WHAT? I THOUGHT I COULD GET THEM! MY BROTHER HAD BETTER COME THROUGH!
(Cut to the hospital. Axel is once again on life support.)
YAKKO: You know, his constant injuries are starting to irritate me.
FRED: Oh, come now, he's on the death line, and you still can't find a nice thing to say about him?!
DOT: Well, he has good foot power. Say, do you feel like we're forgetting a few people?
(Cut back to the Enormo-Mart, its insides now in ruins. Brain, Pinky and Billie peer out over it all)
PINKY: This isn't good! NARF!
AKOM: (Demonic Off-screen, lurking in a shadow) You'd better believe it! Think I'll call my brother Igor to come over and help out on this one....save him the risk of seeing *his* restaurant torn apart like my Enormo-Mart has been. (Yells at a few minions to get to work cleaning up....).
[Cut back to the hospital, where the rest of the gang stand over the comatose Axel...]
YAKKO: (Examining his congressional medical plan) Check out this copayment and tell *me* they can't give us universal health care.....
MRS. CUNNINGHAM: Oh, that poor Mr. Foley....it's too bad we can't do anything to help him....
VOICE: (From behind the group) Who *says* we can't?
[All turn around, and find standing there...]
ALL: THE FONZ?!
FONZ: (With his thumbs-up gesture; 50's-style doo-wop music plays in the background) Heeeeyyy...you're correct-a-mundo! I, Arthur Fonzarelli, got wind of what was goin' down at that Econo-Mart thingamajig....
DOT: (Eyeing Fonzie dreamily, them jumps into his arms) And you came down here to help, all heroic-like? (Sighs)
FONZ: Hey, little lady....do *not* touch the Fonz unless he asks.
DOT: (Removing her hands) Aww....
FONZ: (Shrugs) All right, I'm askin'... (Dot clutches him again) Now then, let's eye the situation here....
WAKKO: The nice doctor-person says that he's in a deep coma....
YAKKO: Yeah, and this time, no sign of any superheroes around here...
MR. C: Well, how do we wake him up?
BARNEY: Gee, well, when my Magnarocks TV set's on the fritz, givin' it a whack with my club often helps.... (whips out a club)
DOT: We could make him look all *adorable*!
YAKKO: How will that help?
DOT: Help with what?
FONZ: I think I know what to do here....step aside, everyone. Time for Dr. Fonz to go to work... (as the 50's doo-wop music plays, Fonzie walks over to Axel's bed, sticks out his elbow, and gives a whack in Axel's forehead. Axel sits up, clutching his head....)
AXEL: (Grabbing his forehead) You're (bleep) right I am! (Looks around) (BLEEP)! I'm in the (bleep)in' hospital again! What a pain in the (bleep)in' (bleep)....
FONZ: (Shrugs, sarcastically) You're *welcome*...
AXEL: Ah, shove it, "Monty"... (gets out of the bed) Can we get goin' before Tom Daschle has a (bleep)in' cow over my medical bills?!
JOANIE: (Covering her face) Sure, Mr. Foley....but, um, could you change into some clothes first? That hospital gown isn't very flattering...
AXEL: (Stares down at his gown, and grumbles... the sibs snicker)
[Cut to some time later, as we see Igor show up at the Econo-Mart...he's greeted by Akom.]
AKOM: Ah, my demonic bretheren, how goes it?
IGOR: (a bit annoyed) Sure, fine, whatever....let's just get this over with. Lousy Chandu sticking us with his work....no wonder his brothers and sisters give him the cold shoulder...thinks he's such a "big shot" Hollywood actor. All right, who're we wiping out?
AKOM: From what I can tell, the doglike infidels hauled the screaming, cursing infidel off to the infidel....er, hospital. Apparently leaving behind their three rodent friends.
IGOR: Mere *mice*?! What threat can they pose for us? We who are of demonic stock! Two of the most fearsome beings in all creation!
AKOM: (Proud) Yes! Our importance truly cannot be matched! (Sees a minion hand him an re-order form for two cases of mouthwash; he signs it, initials two boxes, and hands it back to the minion) Erm...let's go get started.
IGOR: We shall, as soon as their foes I was contacted by arrive....some beings calling themselves "Team Ninja". (Akom looks at him perplexed) I know, sounds like something from those videos you sell...
[Cut over to the mice, standing near the entrance of the Econo-Mart....Brain's talking into a cell phone]
BRAIN: Excellent....see you here. (Hangs up) Axel's made a rapid and "miraculous" recovery, *again*....apparently to the help of a Mr. Fonzarelli. They'll be back here soon...
PINKY: Um, how soon?
AKOM: (Off-screen) NOT SOON ENOUGH!
[The mice turn and see the presence of both Akom and Igor, with their eyes glowing....they shoot a few energy beams over the mice's heads....standing off to the side are Team Ninja, with Stewie in tow.]
IGOR: It ends *here*, for the both of you!
[Cut to the Flintstone-mobile, Cunningham Rambler, and Jackie's van, which're all speeding into the Econo-Mart parking lot....we see various customers race out the store, screaming, as sounds of energy blasts are heard....]
DOT: Ooooh, sounds like someone's *mad*....
BARNEY: (sees a blue beam blast through a window) Either that, or a blue-light special....
[They all disembark and head inside....where we see the mice are racing about the main foyer, trying to dodge the energy beams....]
BRAIN: (Eyes Stewie, while trying to dodge the energy beams) *Stewie*....you're behind this!?
STEWIE: Oh, *please*....as if I could have come up with a plan *this* evil. (Brain stares coldly at him) Well, so I lied. But these two demonic types are pretty impressive, wouldn't you say?
IGOR: Hold still, you miserable rodents!
YAKKO: (Now inside, with the others) Oooh, now *that's* an original line....let me guess, "Mr. Jinx, circal 1959"?
IGOR: (Eyeing the sibs) Ah, the ones who have destroyed many a McDonald's with their insipid antics....
WAKKO: Actually, we only blew up just one....but maybe today you'll get lucky! (Dot jabs him)
IGOR: Well, you won't get the chance to destroy *my* lucrative franchise! My minions are working overtime to ensure I have a bank account the size of Lake Michigan...
YAKKO: Which explains those M*ckeyD workers looking like they're about to drop from exhaustion. Well, let's see....since calling the Wisconsin occupational standards board on our two demonic friends here wouldn't make for amusing story material....
DOT: Like *this* stuff is better?
YAKKO: Ahem. Anyway, looks like we'll have to resort to an old standby to take out these goons.... (grabs a rope next to him,and pulls it. An anvil drops down on the two of their heads, which only temporarily dazes them....)
YAKKO: A-ha. As I was saying, that old standby---- (Wakko hands the demons a playing card, but the demons disintegrate the card, causing it to blow up in Wakko's face)
YAKKO: Erm...*as* I was *saying*, that old standby----
DOT: Oh, *no*.
YAKKO: Sorry....no other choice.
[Yakko points to behind the two demonic managers; they turn around, and find standing there the Warners....Yakko and Wakko smile for the two while Dot reads a magazine out of boredom.]
AKOM: Oh, *please*. We're long-lived demonic beings....and even *we* think that gag is ancient.
YAKKO: No way... (whips out a carbon-dating kit) See? Only dates back to "older than dirt"! Right, Dot?
DOT: (Ignores Yakko; mumbles something with disinterest and flips a page)
YAKKO: Er, right....well, then, only one thing to do....aaaahhhhh, let Brain handle this!
BRAIN: (Proudly) Very well, then..... I do happen to have made up a plan for this situation. Maestro?
[We hear music start up from out of nowhere, to the tune of "Monster Mash"...cut to a shot of Brain in ACME Labs, working at something....]
BRAIN: (Singing) I was working in the lab, late one night, when my eyes beheld a bloodshot sight...with a desire for Visine I stepped out to buy, but see only, to my surprise---
[Cut to a shot of Brain standing admist a stream of strip malls/chain stores/etc. along a stretch of highway]
WARNERS, PINKY & BILLIE: (As backup singers) It was the *mash*!
BRAIN: It was the "chain store" mash....
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: It was a franchised smash...
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: It raked in lots of cash...
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: They did the chain store mash...
BACKUP: Dooo-wah, dooo....
[Cut to scene of the heroes, save for Brain, beginning to dance....]
BRAIN: From my laboratory in Manhattan east, to the sunny shores of San Diego's beach, the chain stores came spreading like a cold, with loss-leader wares for young and old...
BACKUP: It was the *mash*!
BRAIN: It was the "chain store" mash....
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: It was a franchised smash...
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: It raked in lots of cash...
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: They did the chain store mash...
BACKUP: Dooo-wah, dooo....
BRAIN: The Warners were having *fun*.... the urban sprawl had just begun.... (Shot of the Warners playing with a volleyball set at the Econo-Mart, with Wakko scarfing down McD's burgers...)
BRAIN: Guests included *Flintstone*.... Rubble, and his son. (Shots of Fred and Barney enjoying themselves, with Barney holding baby Bamm-Bamm)
BRAIN: The chains were spreading, with big bucks abound.... Igor on chains backed by his minions' sounds (Shot of Igor [with chains rattling] getting down, with using his various minions' heads being used as bongo drums....)
BRAIN: The zoning board was about to arrive, with plans to build.... a strip mall or five! [Shot of Milwaukee's zoning board showing up, with city district plans in their hands and contracts with strip mall constructors in another, and they begin dancing as well...]
WARNERS, PINKY & BILLIE: (As backup singers) It was the *mash*!
BRAIN: It was the "chain store" mash....
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: It was a franchised smash...
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: It raked in lots of cash...
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: They did the chain store mash...
BACKUP: Dooo-wah, doo....
BRAIN: Out from his Rambler Dad's voice did ring....seems he was troubled by just one thing.... rolled down the window, and shook his fist, and said:
MR. C: (In his car) Whatever happened to my local pharmacist?!
BACKUP: They all got mashed!
BRAIN: They got chain store mashed....
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: And it's a franchised smash!
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: It raked in lots of cash....
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: The chain store mash..
[Cut to a shot of everyone jamming to the music.....]
BRAIN: Now everything's cool, Dad's a part of the plan, and the chain stores have come to rule all of the land... for you mom-and-pops, this song was meant, too. Try to compete, or else you'll be *through*....
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: It's called the chain store mash...
BACKUP: THE CHAIN STORE MASH!
BRAIN: And through my franchise *smash*.... (shot of a dancing Akom inadvertently smashing up a few things inside the Econo-Mart)
IGOR: (Gnashing his teeth on a canister of oatmeal he'd taken a bite out of) Mmm! Mush...good!
BRAIN: (Chuckling) Easy, Igor, you impetuous young manager, you....
[The music continues, as Brain leads the still-dancing Team Ninja, Stewie, Igor, and Akom to a back room near Team Ninja's blimp....they see that the Warners and lab mice are all aboard. They quickly surround them, preventing their escape....]
MIKEY: Cool! We've got the mice *and* those crazy kids!
SHERYL: Too sweet....back to Burbank! Plotz will be *pleased*....
HOK FU: HOK WANT TO DO MASH AGAIN!
YAKKO: No problem...hit it! [The music starts up again, with the mice and Warners dancing in step...]
MIKEY: (Giggling insipidly) Aw, *yeah*! (Begins dancing) Um....did those kids always have those dreadlocks?
SHERYL: Who knows.... let's haul it to Burbank!
STEWIE: Agreed.... (begins dancing and humming the tune, as we see the blimp roar off to L.A....cut back to the outside of the Econo-Mart, where we see---the Warners and mice?!?)
DOT: Great plan, Brain....
BRAIN: You're welcome.
BILLIE: Um, any idea how long before those guys catch on to the fact that they're "getting down" with recycled stock footage of the Warners from that "reggae" Pokemon promo they made awhile back?* (* - actually, back in "Radio Free Warners" ---Brainatra)
BRAIN: Let's hope they don't notice before we can high-tail it back to Burbank. That "Christmas Week" parade is scheduled to start the day after tomorrow...we've got no more time to waste spreading the Thanksgiving message and stopping that parade! [Sees the Cunninghams and Fonz] I thank you for your help....but now, we must be on our way...
DOT: (Clings to Fonz's leg) Aww...can't we take Fonzie at least? He'd be a great asset! .... for *me*.
BRAIN: No. We've made it this far without accumulating more worthless characters...
FONZ: Whoa, hold on...*nobody* calls the Fonz *worthless*... (picks Brain up) capish?!
FONZ: Good....no offense, but I got my honor to defend, y'know? (Smiles, sets Brain down)
BRAIN: (Flatly) Very well....you may come. But be warned, this won't be pretty. Those two demonic creatures in tow, "Team Ninja" and that brat Stewie won't make this easy. Now *come*....we're off to Los Angeles. The fate of Thanksgiving lies in our hands!
PINKY: (Looking at his hands) Um, all I see in my hands are little fingerprint thingies, Brain... (Brain clasps Pinky's snout, and drags him off towards the van...the others walk to their respective vehicles to follow.....).
[Commercials promoting Has-Been Toys' new line of shape-shiftin', overpriced, easily-breakable Japanese-animated robot toys play....]
Over the land...
Cut to the blimp. Mikey is grooving to the song, while Sheryl is looking out over the land.
Sheryl: Hey, Mikey! Look at the country...isn't it amazing from up here?
Mikey: (Singing) It was the mash! It was the chain store mash! The chain store mash! It was a...
Sheryl: (Slightly annoyed, Noo Yawk accent growing stronger) C'mon, Mikey, look at the view! It's amazing! It's romantic! It's...
Mikey: (Singing) The mash! It was the chain store mash! The chain store mash! It was a...
Sheryl: (Really P.O'd now) MIKEY, GET YOUR SORRY (BLEEP) AWAY FROM THOSE STUPID WARNERS AND LOOK AT THIS ROMANTIC VIEW, (BLEEP)IT! (Calmed down) Mikey...Mikey...(Sheryl notices the jerky motion of "The Warners" and "The Mice") Aw, (bleep)! Mikey, we got the shaft!
Mikey: (Singing) It was the...(Jolted out) What?
Sheryl: Mikey, we got STOCK FOOTAGE!
Mikey: (Bleep)! I feel hosed! How far to California?
Stewie: Well, if my calculations are correct...and they always are...We should be there in 2 hours!
Cut down to the ground. Once again, Jackie's van is speeding down the highway. Brain is confidently mapping out plans and singing along to the radio.
Brain: (Singing his heart out) I love rock 'n' roll! So put another dime in the jukebox, baby! I love rock 'n' roll so come on, take your time and dance with ME!
Radio DJ: Hey there! It's Casey Casem, and you just heard "I Love Rock 'N' Roll" by Joan Jett...and soon it will be covered by that adorable teen pop princess Britney Spears!
Brain: (Shocked) What?
Casey: Oh, by the way, Spears will also be the grand marshall of the "Christmas Week" Parade tomorrow in California, where she will debut her cover! (Zombie-like) I'm eliminating Joan Jett's version effective now...you will buy Britney's new song for your family this Christmas!
Brain: (Annoyed) As if I didn't have enough reasons to stop this parade, now the fate of airplay of Joan Jett's biggest hit is in dire straits!
Pinky: Why would they want to have anything to do with it, Brain? NARF!
Brain: (Sighs, then brightens up) Wait a minute! Joan Jett is playing a concert in the area near the parade, but it doesn't have any thing to do with the festivities! I have to alert her, somehow!
Billie: Brain, don't you think that's a little stupid?
Brain: Please...surely, you like a certain musical artist enough to help them!
Billie: Well, I was a big fan of Diane Russ and The Sublimes...Yeah, I guess you're right!
Brain: Thank you! Now to figure out how to get the message to her...
Cut to the Fonz's motorcycle. Dot's riding on the back, with doo-wop music playing in the background.
Dot: So, which one did you date, Laverne or Shirley?
Fonz: Hey, the Fonz does not discuss his personal life!
Dot: I thought you were great in "Night Shift", but why did you do "The Waterboy"?
Fonz: Heeeyyy, the Fonz needs the dough! Bike repair doesn't come cheap!
Dot: Can I spend Chanukkah at your place?
Fonz: I'll think about it!
(The vehicles all move towards California again)
---PICK UP HERE---
Gee, It's Great....the Interstate...
Henry Winkler's Jewish? Didn't know that..... along with anything about Ms. Jett....but anyway....
[Cut back to Stewie, Igor, Akom, and "Team Ninja" in their blimp....Stewie and the demons look quite upset. ]
STEWIE: BLAST! I can't believe we fell for the most loathsome, vile, repetitive, and cost-effective trick in the book! [Kicks the recycled-stock-footage-Brain, sending him landing near the still-dancing-in-place "Warners".]
IGOR: (Disappointed) Hmph....and I so liked that song.
AKOM: (Also sounding disappointed) Me, too.
GRIFFINO: (Chirps in disappointment as well)
MIKEY: (Holds up a miniature tape recorder) Not to worry, dude...I like, taped it and junk. (Hits "play", and the "Chain Store Mash" song plays....)
AKOM: Excellent. Then these "imposters" won't be necessary... (Akom fires up his eyes, and blasts the faux-sibs/mice into a pile of ashes.)
IGOR: If only we could do that to the *real* rodents who tricked us...
[Suddenly, Sheryl's cell phone rings....she answers it.]
SHERYL: Hello? Ah, *boss man*..... well, we had the Warners and mice and stuff, but they like, tricked us by usin' that stock footage stuff, and.... (hears lots of yelling through the cell phone) OK, OK! We're on it! (Hangs up) Mikey, sweetie, we gotta capture those guys for the boss!
MIKEY: No fooling.... but how do we do it?
SHERYL: Well, not to worry..."Team Ninja" is more than capable of coming up with an original plan. Right, team?
[The rest of Team Ninja seems a bit distracted...Hok Fu, Mikey, and Griffino are busy jamming to the "Chain Store Mash" song. Stewie rolls his eyes at all this.]
STEWIE: Oh, blast it all...don't worry, Miss Sheryl.... I've faced those wretched cretins before...and I think *I've* got the perfect plan. (Laughs sinisterly...) Very well---Griffino! Take notes! (Griffino produces a stenographer's machine and prepares to type) Now, here's what we'll do....
[Cut away from the Burbank-bound blimp, and back to the entourage of heroes, puttering down the highway back towards Burbank; the group are now somewhere in rural Illinois. Cut to the Flintstone-mobile, which once again is being powered by Fred (and Axel's) two feet....]
YAKKO: Ah, this is the life....the crisp, fall air....the sounds of the humming...um.... (glances at Axel, who looks slightly annoyed) "engine"....the rush of the open wind...and of course, the best part of all....
DOT: Hunky guys? (Glances at the Fonz, who's riding alongside their car on his bike)
WAKKO: Getting some turkey for Thanksgiving once this is all over? Um, if not *sooner*.
YAKKO: Nah.....I mean, *the INTERSTATE*!
W&D: Of course! The *Interstate*!
[Music starts up, to the theme of Nat King Cole's 1940's classic, "Route 66"...]
WARNERS: If you ever want to head out west,
Travel our way...
Take the big ol' concrete stretch....
Gee, it's great.....the big Interstate.
[Jazzy music continues, as we see a montage of sights along the gang's stretch of highway, with various images of billboards, Interstate signposts, and those "caution, bridge may be icy in winter" signs.]
WARNERS: It winds from New York to *L.A.*...
Lots of gas stops and McDonalds' all the way.
[Cut to a shot of the gang stopped off at a gas station, where we see Axel's resting his feet in a bucket of water [with epsom salts added], and the Warners pleading and begging Brain to go into a McDonald's, but to no avail, as he herds all of them (with a wooden ruler) into a nearby Olive Gardener...]
WARNERS: Gee, it's great.... the big Interstate.
Pass Louisville, Kentucky---- (a shot of the sibs riding Wakko around a race track like a horse is seen)
Branson, Missouri, (a shot of Fred in prehistoric western gear and wielding slingshot-pistols is seen)
and great Jefferson City is mighty...unhip. (A shot of the gang in Jefferson City, sorting through items at a magazine rack).
You see Minneapolis.... ( a shot of the sibs harassing Lou Grant is seen, along with Pinky tossing a small blue hat up in the air repeatedly and giggling)
Big ol' Indianapolis, (a shot of the sibs harassing author Kurt Vonnegut, and a shot of Fred floorboarding his car around the track at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, making Jeff Gordon look on with astonishment...)
Don't forget Little Rock... (a shot of the sibs eyeing a small rock on the ground, and one with the others admiring a memorial devoted to school desegregation)
Bismark, Missoula, Reno Nevada... (a shot of Brain, Fred, and Fonzie trying to figure out where the heck they're going on an auto club road map)
WARNERS: You'll all do fine....with this waste of time:
When you make that big cross-country trip,
Gee it's great....the big Interstate.
[The jazzy music ends, as we see the gang puttering down the road...suddenly, we see a fork in the road.]
WAKKO: (Grabbing a napkin) Dinner already?
DOT: A *road* fork, Wakko. (Sees a signpost, with arrows pointing in different directions) "Burbank 50 miles" (reads the other sign post) Seattle, Washington, 800 miles..." (Yelling to the others) Well, guess it's obvious which one to take, guys.
PINKY: (Yells back) Um...it is? POIT! (Sound of Brai whapping him on the head, followed by Billie's voice of disapproval)
JACKIE: I believe she means, we take the Burbank branch.... and once there, we'll be able to save Thanksgiving from your employer and his rather greedy ways.
[They do so....however, as soon as they've driven off, we see popping out from behind a desert rock is none other than Team Ninja...]
SHERYL: (Into a walkie-talkie) They've fallen for it, Stewie. Those twerps are heading for the home of grunge rock music!
STEWIE: Excellent. With those fools temporarily out of the way, it's time to engage in our second tactic. [Dials a cell phone] Hello? Get me the trailer of... *BRITNEY SPEARS*!
[Cut to Britney's trailer in Hollywood, as we see her practicing the Jett-remake song number....]
BRITNEY: (Sounding "perky") OK, and one, and two, and....
BODYGUARD: (Who looks quite muscular looking; Hands her a cell phone) Phone for ya.
BRITNEY: (Drops her perkiness, and sounds rather, well, evil) Don't bother me, you *fool*! I was practicing for my musical number for that stupid parade of Plotz's. Once I'm done remaking that insipid has-been's bargain-bin song number, I'll be able to rake in even *more* money from those brainless zombie teenaged girls that think I look "adult". (Smirks, grabs the phone; perky voice) Yes?
STEWIE: Miss Spears?! Stewie Griffin here....
BRITNEY: (Back to nonperky voice) Oh, it's *you*...what do *you* want?!
STEWIE: Don't take that tone with me, lady...don't forget who helped you win all those "teen choice" awards!
BRITNEY: Yeah, yeah....so what is it this time, pint-size?
STEWIE: I need you to ensure that that, even if those Warners show up, they won't be in any position to stop *squat*! If you see them, be sure you use your, ahem, "physical attributes" to stop them cold.
BRITNEY: Excellent. Should I get Christine Aguillera, as well? She might want in on this...
STEWIE: I suppose she owes me too after helping *her* with getting all that radio airplay....but I don't think that'll be necessary. You'll suffice on your own...no, wait, be sure your bodyguard's with you as well. Must take out that wretched Warner *sister*, Dot, as well.
BRITNEY: No prob.... (hangs up) C'mon....we got a musical number to prepare for...and to prepare for a bunch of mutt-lookin' kids that might try to screw this up for me. (Perks back up) Time for America to meet its biggest "Christmas Week" superstar! (Laughs perkily, which changes to a sinister laugh....dramatic music plays.)
[Commercials for "GI Jane" action figures are shown....]
[pick up here]
Welcome to Seattle...
where our heroes are tired and angry.
Yakko: The old "switch-the-signs" gag...I thought we could pull it off against *them*!
Wakko: Hey, who wants to get some fish?
Dot: I'm not thinking about food right now. I'm thinking about how to get revenge on "Team Ninja".
Yakko: Well, while we're here, what do you want to do?
Brain: Nothing! We're headed back to California! The parade starts in less than 16 hours, and we have to stop it!
(Our heroes jump back to their vehicles and speed out of town. As scenes of the group speeding to get to California play, we hear the Warners sing a parody of "Christopher Tracy's Parade" by Prince)
Warners: Everybody, please avoid Plotz's Christmas Week Parade. Think about the money you've lost on the lame items that you paid! Remember that turkey isn't bad...or have your brains been frayed? Now, come along, the timing's wrong...please avoid this parade! (Just music, as the group finds time to go through a drive-thru at an Olive Gardener) Stop buying Pokemon videos...cheap toys and big pianos. Save it for the proper time. There's cranberry sauce to eat. Everybody please avoid Plotz's Christmas Week Parade. You'll thank us very much for avoiding the Christmas Week Parade (Avoiding the Christmas Week Parade...Avoiding the Christmas Week Parade!)
(Cut to a small building, where we see Stewie, Mikey and Sheryl tending to a hostage.)
Stewie: Now that we have you...how do you wish to die?
(The hostage turns out to be...)
Joan Jett: I don't wish to die at all. Let me go, you sadistic monster!
Stewie: Hey, you're the one who's into leather! Besides, how do you know I'm sadistic when you haven't even seen me in action yet?
Joan: I've just read scripts that have been sent to me from your show. It's just not funny. Besides, you're just a rip-off of The Brain!
Stewie: Why, how dare you, you tempestuous virago?
Joan: Hey, no one calls me a virago and gets away with it!
Stewie: Virago, Virago, Virago!
Joan: (Bleep) you! (Joan kicks Stewie across the room) 1st and 10, (bleep)!
Stewie: Oh, I'll definitely have to punish you now!
---PICK UP HERE---
The "Avengers", sans Uma Thurman...
[Cut to the mass gathering of heroes....in case you've forgotten, consisting of: the Warners, the mice, Jackie Chan, Tohru, Fred Flintstone, Barney Rubble, the Fonz, and Axel Foley. On their various vehicles, we see them speeding through various northern California farms...cut to the sibs in the Flintstone car (which is leading the procession), who're distracted by various personal things to do. Yakko plays with his paddleballs, Dot is reading a "Vague" magazine, and Wakko stares idly at the countryside zipping past. Axel looks bored...]
WAKKO: (Spotting something) Hey guys, *look*! We've gotta stop here!
BARNEY: I don't think we should, Wakko....we gotta get to Burbank, remember?
WAKKO: Awwww, but we gotta check it out!
FRED: Sorry, kid, but nothin' doin'. We have to shut down that parade!
WAKKO: Awww.....*please*?! It's *really* important....
FRED: (Sarcastically) Right....what could be so important that you want all of us to stop here?
WAKKO: Um... (grins widely) I have to go?
FRED: Oh, *brudder*. I'm sure you'll be fine, kid...sit down and relax.
WAKKO: (Makes panicked-looking face) BUT IT'S AN EMERGENCY!!!
FRED: Uh-huh. Sure it is.
WAKKO: (Jumps on Fred's head, and yells in his face) I SAID IT'S AN EMERGENCY!!!
FRED: (Growing annoyed) Look, pal, we ain't stoppin' for something you should've done when we stopped for gas a few miles back.
YAKKO: (Eyeing Axel's foot-power efforts) "Gas"?
AXEL: (Flatly) *Dr. Scholl's shoe cushion pads*....
FRED: (Continuing) ...besides, I'm sure there's another place a few miles ahead....
[They pass a road sign reading "next rest stop, 75 miles"; Wakko eyes it and goes even moreso into panic mode, a la "Potty Emergency".]
FRED: (Feeling Wakko hopping on his head) OK, that's it! Barn, grab the wheel... (Barney does so; Fred grabs Wakko and straps him into the seat belt in the back seat, before turning his attention back to the car) Hmph...crazy kid...
[The Flintstone car, Jackie's van, and the Fonz's bike speed on down the road, with the sounds of Wakko straining to break free of his seat belt restraint.... ]
[Cut to the mice, in their van...they're making plans for spreading the Thanksgiving message, taking on the bad guys, and freeing the captured singer...]
BRAIN: Now then, Jackie and Tohru shall use their martial arts prowess to take out "Team Ninja" and any other potential obstacles, while Billie and I shall free Ms. Jett....
PINKY: Erm, what should *I* do, Brain?
BRAIN: You shall be spreading the tidings of Thanksgiving throughout the Los Angeles area alongside the Warners, those cavemen, Mr. Fonzarelli, and Mr. Foley...(sees Pinky's reaction) Don't even try it, Pinky....I'll be reunited with you soon enough, and I'm sure your..."talents"...will work for this mission nicely. Afterwards, we shall all regroup and put an end to that "Christmas Week" parade, and encourage anyone viewing at home to tune in for Thanksgiving Day's Patriots vs. Saints football game the following day, where I shall read my subliminal message of world domination, and *TAKE OVER THE WORLD*!
BILLIE: Eh, sure thing, Eggy....
BRAIN: (Hands Billie some clothes) We'll likely need stealth to deal with the likes of those cretins.....and class. Put these on....
[Cut to some time later...as we see the mice step out from behind seperate blinds...Brain's wearing a derby hat, suit, and a carnation boutonniere, and is wielding an umbrella...Billie is wearing a black turtleneck, black pants, and boots....her hair's done up in a 60's "Mary Tyler Moore"-ish hairstyle as well...]
[Cut to a parody of the opening credits of the classic 60's TV show "The Avengers": As the theme music starts up, we see the words "The Lab Mice" in the "Avengers" title font on the screen, and then various still-shots in slide-show-ish fashion of the Brain adjusting his carnation, removing it and extending it to Billie....who, in slide-show-ish still-shots of her own takes his carnation, then offers Brain one of her own. Brain looks puzzled, as through more still-shot motions Billie yanks the stem of the carnation, which begins to make ticking noises, then sticks it on a dummy set up in a corner. The flower explodes, with the dummy looking much worse for wear. Brain looks perplexed, as Billie shrugs for the camera...the music comes to an end.]
BRAIN: (Clutching his umbrella in one hand, and slapping it in the palm of his other hand) *Eh-hem....*
BILLIE: Oh, that? Well, I planted a tiny-yet-powerful explosive inside a few carnations for your outfit, Eggy...I decided that given how many times we get captured in these things, I'm sick of being competely defenseless. Not to worry, though...I'll carry a few carnations as well. With that Stewie monster on the loose, I'm not takin' any chances this time...
BRAIN: (Flatly) Funny....I don't recall Mrs. Peel being this..."agressive"...
BILLIE: (Smiles, and shrugs)
[Cut away from this, to the evil that is Stewie Griffin, who is seen still hiding inside of his location-unknown hideout in the L.A. area; he's at a desk, making plans with "Team Ninja", Igor and Akom...Britney Spears and her bodyguard are also present. In another room, we can hear Ms. Jett murmuring through a gag...]
STEWIE: Brilliant! With these plans, I shall be able to crush the Brain and his cohorts with an *iron fist*! (Crushes a paper cup)
IGOR: Heh...I like your style, Stewie. Have you ever considered a career in the world of fast food restaurant management?
STEWIE: Hmm... (pointless "Family Guy" aside involving Stewie as a McDonald's manager) Perhaps someday...but for now, I must eliminate our main competion for taking over the world!
[Pan over to Akom, who's chatting with the "Team Ninja" members.]
AKOM: Yeah, Chandu looks like he's such a big shot on that "Jackie Chan" TV show, but take it from me, among us demonic forces of evil, he's a complete wuss. Ever see on that show how he never stands up for himself against most of his own siblings and caves like a house of cards when they're around?
HOK FU: Um.....
AKOM: Don't answer that. Won't even go into that get-together of ours on New Year's once....it wasn't pretty. Demons, six cases of cheap fermented grape juice from the "clearance" aisle of my store, and a bunch of siblings with serious family relations problems.... (Shudders). Though between you and me, the only reason they probably even got on the second season of that show was that they pestered Chandu to death to ask that Plotz guy to give 'em some parts, and so they could pad the rest of the show's episode order....
SHERYL: (Shrugs) Who knew?
AKOM: And that time when he was on this one "Space Ghost" interview show along with Godzilla and that Char-whatsits thing from that "Poke"-show... he got so upset when they asked him about that time he lost all his money back in '87 on that S&L venture that he stormed off the set, torched his dressing room and then took off for the bars. (Shakes his head) Short temper, that guy...
IGOR: (Nearly snickering) Don't forget Chandu's quote-unquote "date".
AKOM: Ah, yes. His "date" for the prom. We all went together.....and check out *this* beauty. (Shows them a picture of all of them wearing tuxedos, and Chandu's "date"...who even for demon standards isn't pretty. Said date resembling a version of his frog-looking sister, only a thousand times less attractive...)
STEWIE: (Makes a face, covering half his face with his hand) Yeurgh. Looks like a cross between a casserole of Hannibal Lecter's and unkempt roadkill. (Shakes his head) But enough idle chitchat. We must prepare for our "guests" arrival! Britney, you and your bodyguard shall seek out and intercept those walking excuses for mutts and stop them dead in their tracks with your physical attributes. The rest of you shall remain here and be dispatched to go after the rest of those cretins as needed....plus, I have the feeling that the Brain shall attempt to make a "heroic" rescue attempt at freeing that caterwauling singer Ms. Jett. But we *will* be waiting.... (shot of Stewie, along with Igor, Akom, and "Team Ninja" all laughing sinisterly, as we fade to black....)
[Commercials for "Turkey (Pay) Day" scratch-'n-win tickets for the state lottery play....]
Stewie Commits Yet Another Vile Act
Thought I'd post this since Caps says he's stuck, if it helps at all:
[Cut back to the villains....we see Stewie's inside a master control room similar to the one he had in "Warner Academy 2", with Igor, Akom, and "Team Ninja" in tow...]
MIKEY: Cool digs, man...
STEWIE: Why, thank you....it was a little gift from Rupert in favor of ensuring a quick and merciful end to that "Wolf Lake" series on CBS. A few temperament shots for the entire cast sucked the horror out of *that* threat to Fox's ratings....but now, on to a scheme far more evil than that one! Even despite our might, there's a possibility of those cretins not only evading us, but carrying out their precious "mission"...so, I'm bringing in another ringer to ensure that both Plotz's plans and *our* plans succeed.
IGOR: How so?
STEWIE: Well, while Griffino was in possession of that Ms. Karaoke, I programmed him to scope out the set-up of the set of "Histeria" that they've put in storage...yes, I know, I figured they'd return him to me despite paying such a low figure for him....cheapskates. Anyway, one aspect in particular: the HISTERIA TIME MACHINE! (Dum-dum-duuuumm...)
SHERYL: Ooooh, not sure I like where *this* is goin'...
STEWIE: With Griffino having recorded the schematics of the Histeria time machine, I used the equipment in this lab to reconstruct the machine, which we shall use to perform a time-tested villain tactic----
SHERYL: Lemme guess: the old "bring a character out of the past and into the present" bit?
STEWIE: Why, yes...how did you know?
SHERYL: (Thinking back to the "Harley Awards") Don't *ask*. So, like, who're ya bringin' here?
MIKEY: Hope it isn't that Dr. Burrows guy. (Shudders)
STEWIE: No, not him. But someone far less villainous....rather, the epitome of all that is wholesome and nauseously goody-goody about America. By any chance, are you all familiar with the legend of a certain caped wonder who currently has his own WB "teen drama"?
MIKEY: Aw, man, you don't mean....
STEWIE: Yes. The key to your aiding in Plotz's plans to decimate the holiday of Thanksgiving, promote his "Christmas Week" parade, and ultimately aid in my revenge on Brain and take over the world, shall be---- *SUPERBOY*! (Dum-dum-duuuuummmm)
SHERYL: But I thought, like, those comic book guys got rid of Superboy....and besides, they have that "Smallville" TV show-thingamajig on now where he doesn't even *wear* a costume.
STEWIE: Indeed.....all shall be revealed---in *time*. (Chuckles at his joke) Ha! I made a funny. Now follow me.....
[They all do so; cut to a room containing a replica of the H! time machine, and some sort of ray aimed at its entrance pad. We see Stewie is standing on top of a stool, monkeying with the controls to the time machine....]
STEWIE: My plan is simple: I shall bring the Teen of Steel out of the dark recesses of disposed comic-book character concepts, and into the world of 2001. Once here, I shall place him under mind control and brainwash him with the personality of a typical WB "teen drama" character, as well as to obey only *me*. With his personality perverted so horriibly, I shall then use him to destroy the plans of those asinine animated altruists, and use him as a template for my actual means of global conquest.
STEWIE: Yes...his various actions shall be recorded digitally on my equipment, and once he's performed enough of his usual super-powered actions, I'll have all the footage I need to create---(points to a blueprint lying on a table nearby) my own army of *RECYCLED STOCK FOOTAGE SUPERBOYS*! (Dum-dum-duuuummmm) After gathering the footage, I'll send the Pubescent of Steel back to the past, with no memory of what's happened to him here in 2001. Then, I shall use the stock footage technology to create based on the real Superboy's actions an army of stock footage clones, each of them capable of ensuring my established rule over all humanity, *and* all of them obeying only *me*! (Laughs) Ah, sometimes I *do* surprise even *myself* with my genius. (Sighs) but now---to *work*! Now, then....how many years ago in "comic book" time would those DC comic hack writers put the Teen of Steel's so-called "career"?
SHERYL: (Using a calculator) Um....uh....somewhere around 13 to 15 years ago, I think. Give or take...
STEWIE: Close enough. (As dramatic music plays, Stewie punches in time and locations coordinates into the time machine's controls: "Thanksgiving Day, 1988, Smallville Kansas", and presses a button to activate. The time machine begins shaking, and activates....)
(We see a beam eminate from the time machine, hurtling skyward, and through what looks like the time stream itself, as it passes various calendar pages with the years printed on them, finally breaking through a calendar page labelled "1988", and streaks towards a small two-story house in rural Smallville, Kansas...)
(Cut to the inside of the small house, as we see the Kent family is plopped down in front of the TV set; apparently, they've just eaten Thanksgiving dinner, and look quite stuffed.)
TV ANNOUNCER: Coming up next--- what happens when the boys are faced with stopping a massive load of illegal Halloween candy being shipped through P.S. 58? Stay tuned for---(thumping rock music) "MIAMI VICE KIDS"!!! (Shots of two 10-year-olds, one of them dressed like Don Johnson on "Miami Vice", is seen, along with shots of them in a hot "pursuit" of some kids on bicycles....).
CLARK: (Bored) I think this "kiddification" of adult characters thing is getting out of hand....
MA KENT: Well, it's surely better than "Star Truck: The Next Examination"...no show with that annoying teenage ensign could possibly ever succeed.
PA KENT: (Glumly) I miss the "Dukes of Hazzard".
MA KENT: (Pats Pa on the shoulder) There there, Jonathan. Don't you remember that we taped the whole thing? (Points to a bookcase stuffed with Beta-formatted videotape copies of the show)
PA KENT: (Perks up) Oh, yes... (chuckles) Say, remember that episode when Boss----
[Pa's statement is cut off, as Clark is struck by the time-travelling energy beam, which manages to tear off his Clark clothes and reveals his super-costume underneath. The beam then teleports him away, to Ma and Pa's distress. We see Clark travel across the timestream, with the same calendar pages, until he finally lands in 2001. Back at the H! time machine-ripoff, we see Stewie eye the results gleefully, as we see materializing on the pad is Superboy himself....]
SUPERBOY: (Bewildered) Wha---where am I?! Last thing I recall is watching some stupid TV show, then...
STEWIE: Welcome, Superboy---I am the one who's brought you here. All the way to the amazingly futuristic year----*2001*! (dum-dum-duuumm.... Stewie shifts his pupils back and forth)
SUPERBOY: What th---?! *2001*?!? (Looks annoyed) OK, that's it....I'm gonna--- (however, before he does anything, Stewie activates the brainwashing/mind-control ray device, rendering Superboy into a stupor.)
STEWIE: You'll do nothing, young man, except for serving my every *whim*, as your very psyche is converted into that of your Tom Welling namesake on that wretched new program of yours! (Presses a few buttons, and uses the ray to begin beaming concentrated datastream doses of various WB "teen dramas" like "Dawson's Creek", "Seventh Heaven", and even "Smallville" into Superboy's noggin. Dramatic music plays....)
IGOR: He's...*capable* of taking this stress?
STEWIE: Apparently so....now *that's* what I call resilience. (We see flashing in Superboy's pupils the images of various WB-drama teens angsting over something or other...) Ah, yes. Soon, the process shall be complete. And the teen of steel shall become---the *Teen of Angst*! (Laughs sinisterly, as dramatic music continues to play....)
[Cut away from the writer's making this story even more ludicrous than it already is, and to the rest of the heroes save for Brain and Billie (the Warners, Pinky, Jackie, Tohru, Fred, Barney, Axel, and Fonzie if you've forgotten), who're on their way to rescue Joan Jett from Stewie's clutches; the heroes are standing in front of a "Not-so-Lucky" supermarket, trying to encourage passersby to demand the store sell Thanksgiving goods. Jackie's talking to someone on his cell phone---namely, Uncle.]
UNCLE: (in a cheesy split-screen effect; calmly) Jackie....I have given you something of great use for this effort...the *turkey talisman*.
JACKIE: (Perplexed) The *turkey* talisman? (Fishes for it in a bag of his, and finds it)
UNCLE: This rare talisman's powers consist of the ability to create an appropriate Thanksgiving holiday ambiance from that which has misappropriated this holiday.
JACKIE: Hmm.... (aims it at a Christmas Santa decoration on the corner; a beam zaps from the talisman, turning the Santa into a turkey decoration. He aims it again at boxes of candy canes and cans of Christmas-colored frosting on display in the supermarket, which converts them all into boxes of macaroni shells and cans of cranberry sauce.) Thank you, Uncle. This *might* prove of some use...
UNCLE: (Calmly) One more thing....bad men may try to take this talisman. You must persevere.
JACKIE: I know, Uncle...
UNCLE: (Growing more shrill) Oh, and *one more thing*....how could you lock Jade inside a closet like that?! *Bad* influence!
UNCLE: (Now completely shrill) *ONE MORE THING*----why are you working with all those characters?! You're being *overshadowed* by a cast that dwarfs half of *CHINA*!!!
JACKIE: Erm....of course...goodbye, Uncle. (Hangs up) Well, guys, it looks as if we've got another ace in the hole....
WAKKO: Really? I thought we already *had* one of those.... (whips out a deck of cards, and wiggles his eyebrows; Dot slaps it out of his hand and knocks the deck off-screen, with an explosion heard, followed by someone saying "AAAAH! My car!")
JACKIE: I mean, that thanks to *this* (holds up the talisman) we might be able to stem the tide of all this Christmas hard-selling somewhat.
[The others all cheer]
VOICE: Wouldn't go around cheering just *yet*, pals....
[They all turn around, and find standing there none other than Britney Spears...]
DOT: Oooh, look---talentless people.
AXEL: Yeah, I know...I'm lookin' at three of 'em right now. (Staccato laugh, as the sibs frown at this zinging)
DOT: (Still annoyed) Ick...Britney Spears. Look, sister, why don't you go take your little sleazily-dressed, opportunistic self back to whatever high school you dropped out from, 'K?
BRITNEY: Sorry, "sister", but I've got orders from a very, ahem, personal source to take you Warners down.
DOT: Lemme guess...from a certain large-headed baby?
BRITNEY: Er, somethin' like that. And besides, I've got plenty of talent....I'm still goin' strong, moreso than *you* has-beens! And *I've* been on a recent "Simpsons" episode---so *there*!
DOT: (Makes a face) You and *Gary Coleman*. I've heard enough----(about to grab onto a rope appearing out of nowhere) looks like it's anvil time. Right, guys? (Silence) Guys?
(Pan over to see that her sibs are too busy leering/slobbering at the scantily-clad "singer"....)
DOT: (Waves her hand in front of their faces) Well, looks like they're gone. Of course, there's still *me*....
(Britney whistles loudly, and in walks her bodyguard, who begins flexing in front of Dot. Dot goes into hysterics, yelling "HELLOOOOO, NURSE!")
BRITNEY: (Into a walkie-talkie) OK, I've captured these losers. Now what?!
STEWIE: Just stand right there.
[The ground begins shaking, just as Fred and Tohru were about to move forward to grab onto the bodyguard/Sleazy One.]
FRED: What th--?! (Panicks) ASTEROID! Quick, Barn, get all the dinosaurs into the house before our gadgets and way of life are all wiped out! (Sees the others' reactions) Er, sorry...always something of a fear of mine.
[We soon see what's causing the rumbling...namely, drilling straight up through the parking lot is none other than a giant digging machine resembling Stewie. Stepping on top of the machine's main cab is none other than---]
ALL: TEAM NINJA?!
MIKEY: (Wearing his usual clothes, save for a t-shirt with a large "N") That's right, um, (looks at his "Team Ninja" script again) "twerps", and I think it's time to prepare for trouble! (Cheap-sounding music starts to play)
SHERYL: (Wearing her exaggerated shoulder-pad clothes, now with a large "N" painted on the front) Make it double!
HOK FU: MAKE ME DOUBLE MOCCHA TRIPLE GRAND ESPRESSO LATTE! (his teammates stare at him)
SHERYL: Well, I think we've figured out *why* Hok's so high-strung. (Mikey and Griffino nod)
(Continuing) To protect our butts from devastation...
MIKEY: To get big bucks is our motivation....
SHERYL: To enjoy the song "Can't Buy Me Love"!
MIKEY: To extend my credit limit to the sky above!
SHERYL: Team Ninja drives faster than the speed limit!
MIKEY: Surrender now, or prepare to get hit!
(We see Mikey and Sheryl strike a pose as they did earlier on in the story...Hok Fu and Griffino leap in front of them)
HOK FU: HOK FU---THAT'S RIGHT! (Griffino makes some chirping noises, as the cheap-sounding music ends)
SHERYL: Gotta work out that last line...
MIKEY: Never mind that now.... (looks at his script) Oh, yeah. Erm... "I choose you----HOK FU!"
[Cut to a cheesy shot of Mikey looking like he's pointing towardsd Hok, as Hok streaks forward with that cheesy lines effect in the background]
MIKEY: Hok Fu---use, um..... (reads the script) doesn't say what sort of "attack" moves he has.
SHERYL: Oh, nevermind---Hok Fu, Griffino---take care of those guys!
[Hok Fu leaps towards the startled heroes on the ground; a series of cheap-o still shots of Hok slamming into Fred, Barney, Axel, Fonzie, and Jackie are seen. Meanwhile, an equally series of cheap shots of Griffino using an electrode to shock Tohru is seen]
PINKY: Um.... (looks around at his comrades looking pained on the ground) NARRRRF.
(Suddenly, a pair of mechanical hands extends from the machine, and grabs onto the Warners) HEY! Give them back!
MIKEY: (Laughs) I don't think so....got orders to bring these three back so that we can turn 'em into Plotz and get *paaaaiiid*! (High-fives Sheryl, as the machines imprison the still-going-beserk-at-Britney-and-bodyguard sibs are put inside toon-escape-proof stasis tubes) And now, we'll all bid you adieu---ta-ta! (the Team, Britney, and the bodyguard all get into the machine)
[The machine's wheels start up, and it takes off down the street, back towards Stewie's lair....Pinky eyes his unconscious comrades on the ground, and utters one feeble "troz". Dramatic music chord plays.]
(pick up here)
A pointless and freakish dream sequence...
Cut to the hospital. With the Brain looking for vengeance back at the site, Billie and Pinky, in their large suits, are keeping watch over the human characters.
Billie: Every turn brings a new step to torment. The Warners are indisposed...our human friends are teetering on the edge of life...I'm so confused.
Pinky: Gee, they look so peaceful. I hope they recover.
(Wavy lines cover the screen, and we see Fred, Barney, Axel, Fonzie, Jackie and Tohru in an odd area. All are dressed in white, and surrounding them are scary and just plain odd images. Beheadings, starved children, the footage of kittens boxing that you see every so often on recent episodes of "Saturday Night Live", and the meat grinder and the grade-school teacher from "Pink Floyd: The Wall" are projected on black walls. In the background, words ring from all over. "Help the children"..."For crimes against humanity"..."How can you eat your pudding if you don't finish your meat"..."Death"..."I am the succubus"..."Come to Crazy Larry's! The prices are *INSANE!*")
Fonzie: Heeeyyy, where are we?
Axel: I think the (bleep)ing question should be, "how'd we all end up in the same dream?"
Fred: I'm stumped. Barn?
Barney: Don't look at me. Jackie?
Jackie: The closest I come to drugs are the cigars I smoke. I'm clueless myself. Tohru?
Tohru: I'm scared.
(The marching hammers, another "Pink Floyd: The Wall" reference, rumble by to the tune of "Another Brick In The Wall, Part 2". Snakes fly through the air, exploding like bombs but not killing anything. A pair of shoes dances across the scene to a fragment of the showtune "Puttin' On The Ritz", while a giant Oreo cookie almost runs the group over. Freakaoid's head floats by, saying "I want to be paid in cash. Huggbees!". All of a sudden, flames shoot through the skies and land on the ground, materializing in the form of...)
Axel: Holy (bleep), it's you!
Lisa: (Whom you will remember from "Spaced-Out Warners". The background music becomes "Sympathy For The Devil" by the Rolling Stones) Yes, Axel. This is revenge for stiffing me in that never-completed story.
Axel: You want to blame somebody? Blame Captain Caps!
(Pointlessly, Caps the author comes floating by, and just as fast disappears from the picture)
Lisa: You said you could get me back in contact with my father, God rest his soul...but nothing ever happenned.
Axel: Alright, sorry. The story stopped dead...I didn't have anything to do with it, I swear!
Fred: Now, that's an understatement!
Axel: (Bleep) you, stony! Look, Lisa, what's the point?
Lisa: The point is...you're dead. (Lisa's hand sprouts Freddy Kruegger-like talons, which Axel swiftly defies with a sword he grabbed out of mid-air during Lisa's morph)
Axel: Dodge, spin, parry, ha, thrust (Axel's nose turns up, much like Daffy's in "Robin Hood Daffy") Ouch!
Lisa: Feel the hand of justice (Lisa scrapes skin off of Axel's arm, but it just as mysteriously grows back)
Axel: Pop goes the weasel (Axel puts the sword under Lisa's feet, and with a mighty heave, she flies off into the stratosphere)
Jackie: Good work, Axel!
Axel: No (bleep)ing problem! (Axel gives the gang his O.K, a la "Beverly Hills Cop") Now, to get something to eat!
(All of a sudden, the dream world brightens up. We see midgets jumping around on pogo sticks, shriners in little cars, and for some reason, William Shatner)
Shatner: Rocket...Man! I think its gonna be...a long, long time!
(Axel grabs a rope and drops an anvil on him. Candy then starts flying all around.)
Axel: Hey, guys! Eat up!
(The gang starts stuffing their mouths with gum and chocolate. Wavy lines out back to Pinky)
Pinky: I hope they're alright!
(Meanwhile, over at Brain's area, we see him using his cell phone)
Brain: How soon can you be over here?
V.O: "Judge Judy" is ending in 3 minutes. Once I get the verdict, I'll be over. Those putzes are going to get blown up real good!
---Can you guess who Brain's talking to? Find out in the next chapter. In other words---
---PICK UP HERE---
Edging closer to the Final Confrontation...
Commercials promoting every piece of Harry Potter merchandise under the son conceivable, save for the actual *book*, play; then, cut to the villains' lair; we see Stewie's on the verge of completing the WB-drama-brainwashing of Superboy. Igor and Akom, along with Team Ninja and Britney Spears, watch with glee....we also see, holed up in the same room that Joan Jett is in, are the Warners, locked away in toon-escape-proof stasis chambers.]
DOT: Hmph....look where our hormones landed us *now*....
[Cut back to Stewie & co....]
MIKEY: (Hangs up a cell phone) The big P says that as soon as we're done here, we can deliver these losers to him for those "Christmas Week" promotional commercials he wants to use 'em for...
STEWIE: Excellent! [Eyes a computer progress bar showing the amount of brainwashing needed in a program labeled "I Don't Brainwash Windows, version 2.0a, for Windows 98 and up". The bar fills completely, and the computer makes a beeping noise. Stewie deactivates the brainwashing device, and implants something in Supes' ear...]
STEWIE: Now that I've added this homing device, I shall be able to control and see your every movement from my lair! Arise, my slave, *arise*!
SUPERBOY: (Clutching his head) I feel so...so.....*angst-ridden*.... (has a sulking look on his face like, well, your average WB teen-drama star)
STEWIE: (Starting the teen-angst progress) You know, I'm sure most teenagers your age would love to take Lana Lang to the *prom*---(fake gasp) Oh, that's right....she'll probably want to go with someone else. Besides, she probably isn't your "true love", anyway.
SUPERBOY: (Angst-ridden) NOOOOOO! (Smashes some random equipment on a desk) I can't believe that! Lana...we were meant to *be* together! But *why*...*WHY*?!?
STEWIE: Well, maybe you could just go hang out with your friends....
SUPERBOY: Pete?! I don't *think* so...he never returned that ruler I loaned him!
STEWIE: And how long ago was that?
SUPERBOY: Um, yesterday. (Gets more irate upon thinking about it) And *WHY* couldn't I have the last slice of pepperoni pizza?! Ma and Pa had *plenty* of pizza already!!! (Angst continues) And *WHY* did those stupid scalpers have to buy all the tickets to that Janet Jackson concert?!? *WHY*?! (Screams)
STEWIE: (Grinning evil-like) *Excellent*. The brainwashing's even more thorough than I thought....he's now completely in the mode of his "Smallville" and "Dawson's Creek" TV show counterparts! (To Superboy) Very well, Superboy....it's time to begin! For your first task, I'd like for you to drop off those puppy-brats to Mr. Plotz....then, you'll await further orders...
SUPERBOY: Yes, sir. (Grits his teeth in more angst, as he storms off into the room the Warners are in...they gasp upon seeing who it is)
YAKKO: It's....*Superboy*?! Must be for that new WB "teen drama" of his....
SUPERBOY: (To Dot) Stop it! I didn't do anything... (looks sulking/sad)
DOT: Um, he didn't do anything....
SUPERBOY: Just leave me alone! None of you could possibly understand my situation!
WAKKO: And *that* is---?
SUPERBOY: I'm *invulnerable*! (They all stare at him)
JOAN JETT: And this is bad, *because*....?
SUPERBOY: *Because*....well, it makes me look like a *freak*, that's what! I don't fit in with the other kids!
DOT: Ever think that maybe this might be a *good* thing? I mean, at least you'll never have to worry about paper cuts...or getting beaten up by the school bully....
SUPERBOY: (Sulks) Yeah---but Ma and Pa won't let me play *football*! AAAAH! I wanna play!!!
YAKKO: Well, Kal, maybe they don't want you to play because....
SUPERBOY: WHY?! GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON!!!
DOT: Well, pumpkin, if you're capable of knocking someone's head clean to the moon, I don't think that a heavy contact sport like, oh, I dunno, football, might be a good idea. 'K, hon?
SUPERBOY: SHUT UP! You're no different than all the others! I thought you could be my *friend*....
WAKKO: Your *special friends*? (Wiggles his eyebrows)
SUPERBOY: No way, man....you're just trying to get loose. Don't think you can fool me----I saw that "Roger Rabbit" movie! And the *popcorn* was too *BUTTERY*!
YAKKO: Aaaaah, actually----
SUPERBOY: SHUT UP! I'm sick of talking to you! Let's just go....
[Before the sibs can say anything, Superboy hoist the three in their stasis chambers over their heads, and is about to fly them off, when Stewie's voice burst forth]
STEWIE: Hold it right there, Superboy....just got off the horn with Plotz. Apparently, he doesn't want us to return them to the studio right away.
WARNERS: He doesn't?
STEWIE: No, he has much better plans for you. You know that Christmas Week parade is being held this afternoon, and he'd like for you three to make your debut promotional appearance *there* to help promote the event, before you start your lucrative new promotional filming careers....I'm sure you're familiar with that reggae Poke-promos you produced? Well, your float in the parade shall consist of doing your singing-and-dancing-in-place routine from that promo. (Snidely) Don't forget your crudely-animated dreadlock wigs! (Laughs)
STEWIE: We'll all be heading to the parade as special guests of Plotz....but first, I have a little *rodent problem* to resolve... (sinisterly laughs) Come, Superboy...I've got a few tasks for you to perform...
[Cut to the hospital once more; we see Billie (still dressed in her "Avengers" Mrs. Peel-esque clothes) and Pinky standing near the room housing Jackie, Tohru, Fred, Barney, Axel, and Fonzie...]
BILLIE: Y'know, I wonder if this would be a bad time to start thinking about the merits of universal health care....seein' what the insurance bills for these guys is gonna be like after this mission's done...
[Suddenly, Brain walks in the room...he's still dressed in his "Avengers" Jon Steed clothes.]
BRAIN: (Tipping his derby hat) Greetings.
BILLIE: Eggy, you're back! (Nods to the guys) No change in their states, I'm afraid.
BRAIN: Indeed. As for discovering where that wretched Stewie's holed up *this* time, I haven't had much luck, though I did bring in assistance....
BILLIE: You said no more characters...
BRAIN: I know, but she *is* an expert on explosives far surpassing these exploding carnations you made (Fingers his carnation on his blazer). And thus, I presumed she might aid us in defeating whatever vile plot Stewie has up his sleeve. I have a feeling that this time, it'll be on an even worse scale than the last one....
[We see walking into the room is....Slappy Squirrel.]
SLAPPY: No need to applaud....(sees no one responds) *Ahem*. OK, I've got the VCR tapin' "Secrets of Brady Bunch Stars Revealed" marathon....so, what's up this time? Another one of these flippin' "gazillion characters chasin' some shadow-hidden whatchamacallem" thingamajig?
PINKY: Um, that, and some of those gazillion characters lying in a coma, POIT! (Points to the unconscious guys)
SLAPPY: Ahhh, they're just sleepin'.... (goes through her purse) Lesse what I got here....pens, lipstick, ticket stubs to "Walnuts on Ice"....ah, here we go: (pulls out an enormous air horn, aims it at the beds, and presses the button. An ear-splitting, window-shattering screech eminates, jolting the pained heroes back into consciousness...]
JACKIE: (Eyes wide open) What---where----how---?!?
AXEL: (BLEEP)! We were havin' the most wonderful dream!
SLAPPY: "We"? Look, pal, I don't ask about your dreams, and you throw some clothes on so we can figure out what to do next....
[Cut to some time later, as we see the large entourage in the hospital cafeteria, gathered at a table near a TV set....we see Brain is making plans of some sort.]
BRAIN: All right, this is the way I see it...the Warners...
PINKY: And Joan Jett, NARF!
BRAIN: *Yes*, Pinky, her too....are being held by Stewie, no doubt to be turned over to Plotz soon, if they haven't been already. In addition, Stewie and "Team Ninja" no doubt are going to plan *something* to lure Billie, Pinky and I into some sort of trap, and to ensure that Thanksgiving doesn't go off as planned....but *what*?
[Suddenly, the TV picture changes to an image of Stewie, with "Team Ninja", Igor, and Akom standing with him.]
BRAIN: (Seeing this) What th---?!
STEWIE: Greetings, Brain. My, these battles do get old, don't they? I hit you, you blow me up, I kidnap your friends, you undermine my best efforts....but *this* time, that won't be. Oh, no no *no*. This time, I, along with my associates, including Plotz, will be victorious....
BILLIE: (Rolling her eyes) Here comes the long-winded explanation of his "brilliant scheme".
BRAIN: (Raising an eyebrow) You say that as if you were used to such things.
BILLIE: (Pauses) Um.....let's just watch the TV, Eggy, OK?
STEWIE: First of all, I shall be turning your friends over to Plotz at the "Christmas Week" parade being held this afternoon, a parade which my friend Britney Spears (off-screen, we hear Britney yell "hi") will be headlining, seeing as Ms. Joan Jett is indisposed and all... (pan to see her tied up, along with the Warners). Meanwhile, I shall also undermine your Thanksgiving-saving plans thanks to the efforts of "Tean Ninja" (sounds of the Team yelling "we rule!") and my *newest* ally....
(Superboy walks into the shot...the heroes gasp)
PINKY: Egad...Superboy---*HERE*?! And he's...gulp...evil?
SUPERBOY: (Angst-ridden) AAARGH! How do I ask Lana to the *prom*?!
STEWIE: As you can clearly see, I pulled our angster-of-steel out of the past and into 2001 via my duplication of that Histeria time machine, and that he's been implanted with the personality of a typical WB teen-drama star....and is under my control! Superboy, would you please execute the plan we discussed? (To the camera) Watch closely, everybody!
[Through the homing device in Superboy's ear, we see the teen of steel zip out of Stewie's lair, and fly at super-speed to a regional food storage facility for various supermarkets within the southern California area. Breaking inside, the teen of steel then utilizes his super-cold breath and freezes within a large, solid block of ice every turkey within the facility. He then flies at super-speed to various other facilities within the region, and either freezes the inventory even further or roasts them to a burnt crisp with his heat vision. The heroes all gasp at this sight.]
STEWIE: You see, Brain? Even despite your encoruagements of the public, I've just taken out every ounce of Thanksgiving-related foodstuff in the Los Angeles area! There'll be no turkey, no cranberry sauce, no *nothing* this year for the local citizenry....even if they could defrost it all in time---and while there's no time to do the same for every city in the country, I *will* take care of the other goal in your little plan! (Into a microphone) Superboy? Execute plan "B"....
[We see through the teen of steel's homing device Superboy fly clear across the country to New Jersey...specifically....]
BRAIN: (Gasps) NO! Not the----
STEWIE: (V.O.) Yes, the big Saints-Jets game! The teams are already at the stadium practicing...but it'd be a *shame* if something were to happen to them, say....unable to get *out* of their locker rooms? (We see Superboy use his heat vision to weld shut the locker room doors, and disable the locks so the teams can't get out....we also see Superboy directed by Stewie to rip both goalposts out of the ground, set them down, and carve into the field with heat vision a large drawing of Stewie's head.)
BRAIN: (Faintly) *No.....*
STEWIE: Helpful, isn't he? Not to worry....we'll be sending him back to his native decade soon enough....but not until I have enough footage of him in action to create my own *army* of....SUPERBOY STOCK FOOTAGE CLONES! (Dum-dum-duuuuummmm) (The heroes all gasp) Just think of it, Brain: a whole legion of superheroes at my control...a legion of *angst-ridden adolescent Kryptonians* serving my every whim! All the better to, dare I say it, let me easily rule the world? (Laughs) Oh, don't bother congratulating me, Brain....you'll have your place in my administration....I could always use a court jester...or someone to test cosmetics on! Oh, wait----you probably do that *now* at your little lab, HA!
PINKY: Only that *one time* before those nice animal-rights people came along, you mean baby you, NARF!
STEWIE: So, let's see: your puppy-kid friends are captured, you've lost Thanksgiving, and you're going to lose the world. Gee, guess this really *does* make you a....loser. (Snickers) Now if you'll excuse us, we'll be taking off for the "Christmas Week" parade....and I *do* mean *all* of us. (Pan to see the sibs and Joan Jett, still tied up, being carried by the suddenly-returned Superboy and the members of Team Ninja.) If you wish to attempt another one of your feeble "Final Confrontation" efforts at this festival, just *try*. We'll be *ready*... (Superboy melts down a piece of steel with his heat vision) See you at my coronation, *Brain*....from a *stockade*! (Laughs sinisterly, as does the rest of the villains and the mind-controlled Superboy...however, the image soon cuts off, as we see a ticking carnation hurled towards the screen, exploding in short order and demolishing the set. Pan over to see Brain clutching his umbrella with rage...)
BILLIE: Eggy....don't let him get to you. We'll beat him like before, even if it won't be easy, with the superpowered leverage they've got. OK?
BRAIN: (Calms down) Of course. (Angrily) So...who here is up for a little game of "humiliate the baby at a Final Confrontation"? (All cheer, as Brain and Billie pull out some carnation-explosives and put them on) Very well...let's go see a *parade*....
PINKY: But what about the food? And the football game-thingy?
BRAIN: We'll worry about those later....right now, we've got to stop a power-crazed infant poised to ruin Thanksgiving and take over the world with the help of a mind-controlled Kryptonian teenager....there's no more time to waste. Let's move!
[They all enter their seperate vehicles (Jackie's van, the Flintstone car, Fonz's bike) and take off....]
(PICK UP HERE)
Off to the parade...
(Cut to the van. Speeding from the hospital, Brain and Slappy are talking in the vehicle)
Brain: It's been tough, and as strenuous as our Christmas adventure.
Slappy: I've been trying to forget for as long as I can...along with all the other things we've done.
Brain: What time is it?
Slappy: (Glancing at her watch) It's...(Loud music is heard in the background) almost time for that parade!
Pinky: No! We're too late!
Brain: Not until I say so...pull over. I see a costume store that could help us.
(Fade to a few minutes later. The mice, Slappy, and the guys are decked out in fancy Elton John-like costumes. Slappy looks irritated)
Slappy: Remind me to drop an anvil on you when this is finished.
Billie: Yeah, what are we doing again?
Brain: With these bright costumes and the mirrors I've attached, we'll blind the villains and make a rush for the Warners and Ms. Jett.
Axel: This is (bleep)ing stupid!
Brain: We'll sort it out at the end. Now, let's march.
(Cut to the Warners. The dreadlocks have been attached to their head)
Wakko: Why, Lord, why these stupid dreadlocks?
Yakko: Don't worry...just because we're in the dreadlocks doesn't mean we can't get our message out.
Stewie: (V.O) What message, you puppy (bleeps)?
Dot: WE'RE NOT PUPPIES!
Yakko: (Fake and forced) Why, promoting Christmas and Pokemon, our football-headed friend.
Stewie: (V.O) Thank you...I think!
Yakko: (Muttering) I feel so sleazy!
Dot: (Whispering) As long as he's fooled, it's okay.
Yakko: Are you okay, Joan?
Joan: No way. I can't believe I agreed to let that song be covered by that synching strumpet. Now, I'm a prisoner and I don't know what they'll do with me. I was just on the brink of a comeback, too. I thought that things would turn for me again...then I'm kidnapped by a baby, a group of morons and the trollop who's covering my song. I should not have come to California this year.
Yakko: It'll be okay...things always are in the end...usually after a Final Confrontation.
Dot: When will we get that?
Joan: Whatever it is, I hope it comes soon.
Announcer: The Christmas Week Parade will start within 5 minutes.
(Cut to Brain)
Brain: It's time...Thanksgiving, the Warners and Lord knows what else is in our hands.
Fonzie: How many times do I have to jump the shark? I look like an idiot in this outfit.
Brain: I'm serious when I say it'll be okay.
Fonzie: It'd better be...I'm tired of looking stupid. If only I hadn't done those stupid cartoons. (Bleep)! (Fonzie snaps his fingers in irritation. Objects suddenly start lifting into the air)
Fred: Hey, do that again!
(Fonzie snaps again, and a car drops on a display saying "A Very Pokemon Christmas---Airing Tonight...followed by A Very Yu-Gi-Oh Hanukkah!" A few warped "Pika-pikas" sound off)
Brain: You know, Mr. Fonzarreli, I think we have a good new weapon. Keep the rhythm!
---What will happen now that the parade is imminent? In other words---
---PICK UP HERE---
It's Time: The Final Confrontation!
[Commercials for money-wasting, all-plastic Christmas toy junk play....then cut to the parade....we see the main float consists of a giant Pikachu statue, with a sleigh sitting in front of it. Inside the sleigh, we see seated are Plotz and Stewie; also on the float we see the Warners, wearing their dreadlocks and standing on slightly elevated platform. Standing near the platform are Team Ninja, Igor, and Akom, all of whom are wearing various Christmas-themed outfits over their usual clothes. We see various corporate-themed floats for McDonald's, Enormo-Mart, Pokemon, various supermarket chains, etc. All, save for the Warners, look quite pleased.]
PLOTZ: Splendid work, Griffin. The Warners are captured, and there's nothing that will rain on my parade! How ever did you do it?
STEWIE: (With a candy cane in one hand) Oh, let's just say that I had a little...super-help. (Laughs)
[Cut to a broadcast booth overlooking the street, as various spectators are seen lining it. Since it's southern California, we also see various people laying down fake snow to make it look more "Christmas-y". The announcer is none other than...]
FATHER TIME: The place....Burbank, California. The time: 2001---Thanksgiving Eve, to be exact. Welcome, viewers, to the first annual "Christmas Week" parade. I'm Father Time, and I *truly* resent being roped into doing this....lousy stupid contract obligations. (Clears throat) Anyway, this parade is brought to you by various corporate sponsors, all of whom wish to remind you to buy, buy, *buy*, to "keep America rolling" and fuel the economy. Remember: if you don't buy worthless junk and go into debt, the economy will fall flatter than an elephant sitting on a pancake. And *now*, here's our grand marshall float, headline by Mr. Plotz himself, and....those singing Poke-promoters, the *WARNERS*!
[Music starts up---namely, cheap-sounding Christmas music with a reggae beat mixed in. Igor aims his energy blasts at close proximity to the Warners' rear ends, and the sibs against their will begin singing and dancing in place....]
WARNERS: (Glumly singing and dancing-in-place) POKE-MON! IT'S ON EIGHT TIMES EVERY DAAAAY, MON! POKE-MON.....IT'S ON EIGHT TIMES EVERY DAY, MON!
PLOTZ: Wonderful.....our ratings will skyrocket!
WARNERS: (Giving a glance at each other, and winking; they begin singing to the tune of the song "Under the Sea"):
Buy lots of food, don't delay,
Ask your grocers to push this holiday,
Families and food, we do implore,
There is no need for us to ignore,
Football and turkey, piled on galore,
Save your shopping for the next Friday, for---
(The audience begins applauding...)
PLOTZ: (Irate) WHAT?! (Growls; to the minions) Get those Warners back in line, or *else*!
DOT: We're singing to the tune of a D*sney song? Thought this couldn't get any worse....
YAKKO: It was this or an N'Sync number.
DOT: Like I said, carry on....
WARNERS: (Singing a few more verses)
Plotz and Stewie, they'd rather you
Spend time on junk that won't please you, (the sibs dodge a few energy blasts from Igor and Akom)
You all know, deep in your hearts
Family's important, and football rocks,
So you all know what you should do,
Eat lots of turkey, and then hit the tube,
On Thanks-gi-viiiing....Thanks-gi-viiiing..... YEAH!
(The crowd cheers some more, just as Team Ninja arrive on the platform to prod the siblings back into order....)
JOAN JETT: (Who's merely been silent this time) Um, nice song, guys. Now what?
YAKKO: (Points to the audience) Now, we let Brain do his stuff....good thing I set my phone to "vibrate" or those goons'd get his call. (into his cell phone) HIT IT!
(We soon see bright lights shine on the main float, blinding Team Ninja and the hired goons...*almost* all of them, anyway. Griffino, being a robot, automatically places a pair of sunglasses on him, and presses forward....)
WAKKO: It's working! (Sees Griffino) Um, almost. What now, guys?
YAKKO: Aaaaahhh, I favor....we run. (The Warners jump up and kiss Griffino, who sputters in disgust. The sibs and Joan Jett bolt for the source of the bright lights....namely, the other heroes, who're standing in an alleyway near an array of Christmas-colored searchlights in their shiny, reflective clothes.]
BRAIN: That's enough, guys. (Fred and Barney shut down the search lights, and all tear off their costumes).
BILLIE: (Tearing off her shiny clothes, exposing her "Avengers" clothes one more) Now what, Eggy?
BRAIN: (Tears off his clothes revealing his "Avengers" clothes) *Now*, it's time for...the Final Confrontation. (All nod in agreement, and proceed to walk out into the street in front of Plotz and Stewie's float, stopping the parade procession in its tracks.)
STEWIE: What's the meaning of this?! (Sees Brain) Ah, *Brain*. How good of you to arrive. (Snaps his fingers, and we see Team Ninja, Akom, Igor, Britney Spears, and her Bodyguard surround Stewie...) We wouldn't want you to be late for your funeral, now, would we? (Chuckles) This shouldn't take long, Mr. Plotz.
PLOTZ: It'd *better* not...
STEWIE: Well, you heard the man....no time to waste. Let's get this Final Confrontation started, shall we?
DOT: (Sighs) Just think...someone looking back on this story will think of it as the holiday story with demons, hyperintelligent infants, and people constantly being hospitalized....and now, once again, the obligatory Final Confrontation. Let's get going...
JOAN JETT: Fine with me.... (glares at Britney) The no-talented twit is *MINE*! (Screams loudly, and leaps towards Britney, tackling her...we hear the two slug it out off-screen)
FRED: Erm, you guys go ahead. Barn and I will catch up....
BARNEY: Fred, what're you talking about?
FRED: We gotta fix the food situation for those guys, Barn. And I know who to ask for a bit of help.... (whips out a "cellular bone", a bone with phone buttons on it and a stick sticking out of the top as an antenna; Fred dials) Hello? Bedrock Butcher Shop? We er, have a *really* big rush order....
(Cut to the Final Confrontation itself...the villains and the heroes have all paired off against each other...cut to Fonzie, who with Axel are facing Hok Fu....the cheesy fight music from "Pokemon"'s Team Rocket battles play....)
AXEL: (BLEEP)! How're we gonna stop this crazy (bleep)er?! He put us all in the hospital last time, remember?
HOK FU: (Leaping towards the two, screaming) HOG SLINGS MUD AT CORRUPT WARHAWK!
AXEL: (Bleep) you, man! I only voted for *8* boots in military spending... (Screams, and ducks Hok Fu's flying attack. Hok Fu quickly gets back up, however....)
FONZ: Hmm....wish that I'd never even thought of that stupid old cartoon show of ours....but as long as we're assumin' the Fonz is capable of doin' a *lot*----which, of course, I *am*.....here goes. (Fonz snaps his fingers, and we see a giant Squirtle statue standing on a pillar over head all-but-magically slide off its pillar, and falls straight down towards Hok....Axel and Fonzie stand back. Hok Fu looks up, only to see Squirtle's feet heading straight toward him, with various "Squirtle-Squirtle" utterances heard from the statue. A loud CRUNCH sound is heard, followed by seeing the statue roll off to its side....Hok's down for the count.]
SLAPPY: Yo, guys...throw 'im back on the float... I got a special surprise planned! Try to cut off *my* Thanksgiving-day marathon of old war movies for some flippin' parade-thingamajig, will they.... (Fonz and Axel toss the unconscious Hok Fu onto the float....zip pan to Father Time.)
FATHER TIME: Yes viewers, hard to believe, but a Final Confrontation has broken out in the parade.....and quite frankly folks, it's far more interesting than the parade itself. (Slyly to his co-anchor) $5 on the goon squad gettin' blown from here to Saint Louis....
LOUD KIDDINGTON: (His co-anchor) $10 on bein' blown back to New York.
FATHER TIME: You're on!
(Cut back to the fight....we see Jackie and Tohru facing off against Chandu's demonic second cousins, Akom and Igor....they both look quite irate.)
AKOM: Ah....the man who professes to be a challenge for my demonic second cousin, Chandu. Prepare to face the full wrath of our combined demonic fury! (His eyes begin to glow)
JACKIE: Um....uh..... (to Tohru) Any idea how to stop these guys?
JACKIE: Wonderful. (An energy blast hits Jackie's feet, barely missing him.) If only Uncle were here.... (an energy blast knocks Jackie down; while semi-conscious, he has a vision before him of Uncle's floating head)
UNCLE'S HEAD: Jackie...you must defeat these two demons.
JACKIE: I know.
UNCLE'S HEAD: One more thing....remember to use the magic you have at hand.
JACKIE: The...turkey talisman? Of course!
UNCLE'S HEAD: (Sounding shrill) *One more thing*....why did you let Hok Fu put you in the hospital like that?!? Do you know what your medical bills are going to run you?!?
JACKIE: (Shakes his head, dispersing the image of Uncle's head, and gets back up; to the demons) Hi, demons....got something for you....
AKOM: What could *you* have that we'd want, pathetic mortal?
JACKIE: Oh, *this*. (Holds up the talisman)
IGOR: Look...the turkey talisman. Brother, with it, we could pervert it with our dark energies and use it on our store and restaurant merchandise! Think of the wholesale savings...
AKOM: Moreso than what we'll get by laying off a third of our workers come December 26th?
IGOR: That and cutting their salaries *by* a third starting two weeks before Christmas.
AKOM: Sounds like a plan to me, brother. Let's get it.... (they both proceed to walk towards Jackie, but Jackie fires the talisman at something above the two---a giant candy cane statue hanging overhead. The beam converts it into a turkey statue, before bouncing off and hitting checks in the two demons' pockets. They look at their shirts wondering what happened, before whipping out the checks to look at them)
IGOR: (In complete shock) Brother....that Chan. He's....he's converted our early, plush, and skimmed-off-our-workers'-paychecks' Christmas bonuses into---*standard day-off-for-Thanksgiving pay*....or *non-pay*, as the case may be!!! (Points to a giant "$0" figure in the "BONUS" section of their paystubs)
BOTH DEMONS: NOOOOOOO!!! (The two pass out from the shock)
JACKIE: (Blows on the talisman) Turkey...in the straw. (Tohru stares at him) Sorry...couldn't think of a closing wisecrack that involved the word "turkey". (Tohru sighs, before dragging the unconscious demons onto the float....)
(Cut to the Warners, who're facing down the remaining members of "Team Ninja", Mikey Sheryl and Griffino....)
YAKKO: Oooh, check it out, guys. They've gone from being generic ninja-thugs to Pokemon ripoffs of characters that ripped off Boris and Natasha's schtick. How low can one's career sink?
MIKEY: Hey! "Team Ninja" is nothing to sneeze at. Or need I remind you of who kidnapped you all those times?
DOT: All those times? Not exactly guaranteed work there...then again, I guess Plotzie isn't one to splurge or anything on *quality* minion-help.
SHERYL: Oh, shut up! Now we'll see who has the last laugh, twerps! (Points to Griffino) Griffino---I choose *YOU*! GO! (Griffino leaps forward with typical Poke-attack sequence effects, as the Poke-fight music continues to play)
DOT: What'll we do?
WAKKO: Oooh, ooh, can I do something, huh, huh?
YAKKO: Erm, sure, Wakko.
(Wakko whips out from his shirt a giant tennis racket, and sets it up for Griffino to bounce off of.)
DOT: Brain says they've already stopped Griffino by doing this. It'd have to be pretty stupid to fall for the same trick *twice*.
(Indeed, Griffino doesn't....he blasts a hole through the net)
DOT: Guess he *isn't* as dumb as he looks.
(Indeed, Griffino passes through the hole, plowing on towards the sibs.)
WAKKO: Um....I know!
DOT: If it's that "two places at once" bit, you can---
WAKKO: Noooo....um, *this*!
(Wakko orders the sibs to duck, as the robot grazes over head. Griffino lands, and takes off again....however, he doesn't get too far off the ground. Something's stuck to his foot....namely, a piece of a candy cane wrapper. Said piece is attached to other pieces as part of a rope tied to something off-screen.)
WAKKO: See? Those things *never* come off your hands or body easily!
(Griffino struggles to get the wrapper off his foot, but can't. THe robot turns a hand into a buzzsaw, and attempts to saw it off, but the saw winds up breaking. Finally, he gives his foot a good yank...which finally undoes the wrapper, but results in the sound of something falling. Griffino looks up and emits a feeble chirp, as he's soon smashed by a giant anvil. He's down for the count....)
DOT: Congratulations, young man, for *not* resorting to hackneyed old gags. Well, not counting the anvil. Or the near-mention of the "two places at once" bit. Or....
YAKKO: Aaahhhh, I think we get the point, Dot.
(As the sibs drag Griffino to the float, we see the final showdown: Stewie vs. the lab mice. "The Avengers" theme music plays in the background.)
BRAIN: (Fingers his carnation; whispers to the others) This should be a cinch..... (to Stewie) Give it up, Stewie. It's over.
STEWIE: I think not.
BRAIN: I'd say so....very, ahem, *explosively*. (Chuckles, as he tosses the carnation at Stewie. It lands on the ground in front of the baby, not exploding. The theme music screeches to a halt.) HUH?
STEWIE: Oh, that's right, you've forgotten one thing.... (Whistles; a blurring figure enters the scene, and grabs the mice.)
MICE: (Gasp) SUPERBOY?!
STEWIE: Yes, that'd be it. He dismantled the explosive mechanism with his x-ray and heat vision at super-speed. Oh, such a delightful aid, that Kryptonian. (Clasps his hands together) He isn't going to be as easy to defeat as the rest of my help, now *will* he? (Laughs) Kal-El, please destroy them.
SUPERBOY: (Still angst-ridden; begins very slowly crushing the mice) I remember you guys! You never came to visit me after we met! And I'm *lonely*! Nobody likes me! AAAHH!
BILLIE: He's...acting like his "Smallville" counterpart, all right!
BRAIN: (Constricted)Unhh....too bad....no...kryptonite.....
PINKY: (Constricted) Or...jelly beans....narf....
BILLIE: (Constricted) Have...plan.....S-Superboy!
SUPERBOY: (Angsty, slightly loosening his grip) What do *you* want? You mean little person, you. (Pouts)
BILLIE: (Breathes a bit in relief) Look....we know being a teenager is tough. We all face our adolsecent challenges. But you can't let that get to you. You're the world's greatest hero! You set an example for teens everywhere by *not* acting all angst-ridden and tormented!
SUPERBOY: (Pouts) You're just sayin' that to make me feel better....
BILLIE: No, I mean it. Now, would the Superboy *we* know want to harm others?
STEWIE: (Irate) YES! YES, HE WOULD! DON'T LISTEN TO THESE SIMPLETONS!
SUPERBOY: Um...uh....but he says....
BILLIE: Please....forget him! You shouldn't go around letting what other people think dominate you like that. (Adjusting her Mary Tyler Moore-hairdo) Now then, am I right?
SUPERBOY: (Looks a bit saddened) Um...I guess so.
BILLIE: I thought so. Now, why don't you put us down, and help us stop the *real* bad guys, here? (Supes does so)
STEWIE: NO! YOU KRYPTONIAN CLOD! I *ORDER* YOU TO DECIMATE THESE THREE! DO YOU HEAR ME?!?
SUPERBOY: I...uh..... (grips the sides of his head) AAARGH!
BILLIE: I hope it works....Superboy's enhanced intellect allowing himself to be freed from the likes of Stewie's probably-bargain-basement mind control...
STEWIE: I'll have you know it required *two* box tops from my breakfast cereal, thank you very *much*....
SUPERBOY: AAARGH....ACK...APTHPH..... (Writhes in agony, with dramatic music playing; Stewie frantically tries to regain control over Superboy. Finally, Kal-El stops writhing, and stands back up, with a trumpet fanfare playing.)
SUPERBOY: (Sounding normal) All right....time to take out a futuristic Thanksgiving hijacking!
PINKY: All right! Superboy's back to normal! Or as normal as a superpowered teenager gets, NARF!
SUPERBOY: Right, Pinky.....but now, I'll have to----eh? (Sees Stewie inside the sleigh with Plotz)
STEWIE: You'll never catch me! (Superboy tries to approach the sleigh, but is warded off by a piece of kryptonite strapped underneath it) I was prepared for *all* possibilities....and I won't be thwarted! (Holds up his videotape of Superboy's activities) Once I get back to my lab, I'll turn *this* into my clone army! (Stewie's look fades, as we see Superboy's heat vision fry the tape; Stewie looks angry) BLAST IT ALL TO BLOODY (BLEEP)!
BRAIN: Superboy, try to see if he's....(mutters something so low that only Superboy's super-hearing can pick it up)
SUPERBOY: Right. (Scans Stewie with his x-ray vision, and seeing something, fries his front overall pocket, revealing another now-ruined videotape)
BRAIN: Figures he'd try making a duplicate copy. The low-life worm....
STEWIE: Ah, but the worm shall now *turn*. (Presses a button on the console, and we see the sleigh tip itself skyward.) None of you will capture me! (We see rocket engines on the back of the sleigh lift it off into orbit....)
SUPERBOY: I can...
BILLIE: No, Superboy---you go undo all the damage Stewie forced you to do. We can take care of Stewie.
SUPERBOY: Well, if you insist. (Takes off skyward for the various food facilities/the Saints-Jets game stadium)
YAKKO: Aaaaah....who wants to stop 'im?
AXEL: Let me! Let me!
YAKKO: Um, sure, why not?
(Axel yanks the turkey talisman out of Jackie's hand, and aims it at the flying sleigh....the talisman turns the sleigh into a giant ordinary cart, filled with fake Thanksgiving corns-on-the-cob door decorations. Stewie and Plotz quickly plummet to Earth, crashing into the float.)
AXEL: Take *that*, you (bleep)ers!
(We see nearby on the same float Britney Spears and Joan Jett are at their final blows....)
BRITNEY: OK, you....bet you never learnd *this* move!
(Whips out a "Bob Dole for '96" letter-opener, and leaps Joan; she holds the opener to Joan's throat)
JOAN: Please....you're such an amateur. Give it up.
BRITNEY: What for? I'm younger, richer, and way more popular with slobbering teenage *and* elderly guys everywhere than *you* are!
JOAN: (Grunting to break free) Maybe so, but frankly, Miss Spears, I find all those factors to be....very..... *irrelevent*! (Breaks free) It's the music that counts, baby...*not* looking like, well....whatever *you* are.
BRITNEY: OK, that's it....you're gonna get it now, missy!
JOAN: Doubt it. (Hands Britney a carnation)
BRITNEY: Huh? What's this? (Hears the carnation ticking; it soon explodes, flinging Britney into the huge, half-dazed pile of defeated baddies...)
JOAN: Thanks for the assist, Brain.
BRAIN: And now, for the coup d'grace....Slappy?
SLAPPY: With pleasure. Stand back, everybody....
(They all do so....Slappy hits a detonator attached to the giant Pikachu doll on stage; a cheesy cutaway reveals it's stuffed with electrical generators and dynamite. The charge shocks everyone on stage....)
STEWIE: (While being shocked) I'm getting too old for this....
(The shock finishes, as the dynamite explodes, sending the entire float soaring skyward, along with the cast of villains.....)
MIKEY: Didn't see this coming, did you?
SHERYL: Actually, I did. Just say the line....
MIKEY: Oh, right... (sighs)
MIKEY & SHERYL: TEAM NINJA'S BLASTING OFF AGAAAAIIINNNN!
STEWIE: (Yelling downward) CURSE YOU, BRAIN! BUT I'LL BE BACK! I'LL BEEE BAAAAAAAAA----* (Is cut off as they vanish over the horizon. Down on the ground, the heroes all cheer.)
FRED: (Laughing) Heh....heh...heh. Way to go, kids. And you three short guys especially.
BRAIN: Well, I couldn't have done it alone....
PINKY: Egad, Billie....you did great! The way you treated Superboy all lovingly...you'd make a *great* mother!
BILLIE: (Slyly) *Really*?
BRAIN: (Annoyed, holding his derby hat with one hand) *Ahem*. I'm sure Pinky appreciated your talents, Billie, as did I. Now, to encourage the crowd at this parade and watching on television at home to tune into tomorrow's football game and to celebrate Thanksgiving....
YAKKO: No problemo...leave that to Ms. Jett and us! (Takes off the fake dreadlocks, as does his sibs)
(Pick up here)
Last edited by Anthonynotes; 11-07-2001 at 10:35 PM.
Nearing the end....
[The WARNER SIBS do a little softshoe, dressed in pilgrim clothes, and sing a ditty to the tune of "Yankee Doodle Dandy", with JOAN on electric guitar:
"I've got buckles on my shoes,
My clothes are grey and stilll grim.
I've got a hat as high as that,
I call myself a Pilgrim!"
BRAIN [watching the number]: Rather fourth-grade...still, taking the mentality of the turkey-addled masses into account, it may be rather effective. [pauses] I'm torn as to whether that's a bad or good thing.
BILLIE: Careful, Eggy. You know how often you fail because you underestimate the masses' intelligence.
PINKY: Got you there, Brain. Poit!
BRAIN: True...yet conversely, I fail equally as often because I overestimate the mass' mental acumen.
BILLIE: Wow....you're right. I've got to get to work drafting some sort of algebraic equation to represent all possible outcomes and factors influencing them.
BRAIN [absorbed in the Warners' skit; distracted]: Yes. You do that.
[Cut back to the "stage" where a pantomine is occurring. The Warners, wearing football helmets made of hollowed-out pumpkin shells, kick and pass a turkey about as if a football. The background music is "Freddy the Freshman". YAKKO tosses it to FRED, who goes on tiptoe, assuming his bowling stance, then bowls the turkey to BARNEY. BARNEY takes it in the belly and gets knocked down. FONZ intercepts, holds in in one hand, and snaps his fingers with the other. Like magic it vanishes, and appears in Slappy's hands. She stuffs the bird with TNT and tosses it to JACKIE, who looks scared of it, plays a quick game of hot potato with AXEL and FONZ, then drops on his back and kicks it into the air. It blows up, spelling in lights WATCH T-DAY FOOTBALL, EVERYBODY!]
[Cut to UNCLE's shop, interior. Background music is "Chopsticks", which fades into the strings/windchimes used on the show's soundtrack. UNCLE is facing a shelf, counting some old pieces of pottery and making notes on a clipboard. TOHRU is seated on a chair by the counter, sipping tea from a teacup, which is so tiny he has to pinch it between thumb and forefinger. JADE is lackadasically cleaning some artifact in the foreground, but her attention is trained on the TV. When she hears something explode onscreen, she drops her feather duster and runs to the set, grinning broadly.]
JADE [excited]: Holy [bleep]! Did you get a load of that [bleep]ing fireball?
[UNCLE is so shocked his hand jerks and knocks a small pot to the floor, shattering it. TOHRU's eyes wided mid-sip.]
UNCLE [furious]: Ja-aaa-aaa-aade! Such potty talk from a young mouth! You get that from your mother. Why Jackie's cousin brought home such a guttermouthed woman is beyond me. Tohru! Take her into the bathroom and wash her mouth out with soap!
[TOHRU obliges, tucking the tiny child under one arm and heading for the rear of the shop. JADE struggles and mutters inarticulate protests.]
TOHRU: She reminds me of Mr. Foley, sensei--that Detroit officer I told you about. Such anger I have never seen in one soul. I recommended he study the martial arts and learn dicipline, as it did wonders for me after I left Valmont's employ.
UNCLE: And did he appreciate the suggestion? What did he say?
TOHRU [uncomfortable]: I...don't wish to repeat it.
UNCLE [indignant]: Feh! This Western culture! All its favorite words have four letters or less! Not good for an impressionable girl! [sighs] One more thing. We are buying a TV with one of those new-fangled V-chips in it to censor all the naughty channels! Nothing but Big Bird and Mr. Rogers and Nick Jr. for you!
JADE: Awwwwwwww, [bleep]! [catches self, looks shocked, claps hand over mouth. TOHRU exits, still carrying her. Pan to
UNCLE, smiling and winking at camera.]
[Cut to an overhead pan of the desolate parade street at sunset, littered with paper, dark smoke billowing through the air, a fire hydrant geysering water in the distance, and a siren audible. The opening guitar chords and first few lines of Dylan's "Deslation Row" play on the soundtrack. Pan in closer. YAKKO is talking to FRED near the remains of a float.]
YAKKO: So where was Pebbles in that "On the Rocks" thing? Is she still with Bamm-Bamm, and if not--[clicks teeth lustfully]--can you give me her phone number?
FRED: Listen, bub, I thought we got all that question stuff out of your system back in act one. But, eh--[lowers voice]--in answer to that one question...uh...Tarpit #5 dye. Been touchin' up my temples since Rockson went down during Waterslate. [winks]
YAKKo: And Barney-boy?
FRED [chuckles]: Cheap rug.
BARNEY [overhearing]: Hey! This ain't a cheap rug! [points to head] I'll have you know I paid over 200 mammoth skins for this baby!
[YAKKO and FRED share a good laugh.]
[Pan over to DOT and JACKIE. DOT is looking amorously at him, though he's absorved in the turkey talisman.]
JACKIE: I must get this rock back to Section 13. [pauses] Or at least to the WB prop closet.
DOT: So...are you and that Viper girl serious? If not...well...[falls into JACKIE's arms]...I'm not the innocent lass I look to be, Mr. Rush Hour...and I'd make a great aunt for that troublesome neice of yours.
JACKIE [flustered]: I--no--but that is--um--Viper and I are just friends. I mean, coworkers. Casual acquaintences. I don't even know her real name. And I don't date--I mean, work with--thieves.
DOT: Ex-thief, honey.
WAKKO: Though I think she did steal something--your heart. Kissy-kissy-kissy!
[The WARNER SIBS make smooching noises; JACKIE flushes and turns away, trying to vanish into the pavement.]
[Pan to SLAPPY and JOAN JETT a bit further down at the end of the wrecked float.]
JOAN: Some fight, eh Slap?
SLAPPY: Eh. A couple of Team Rocket wannabes throwing bricks wrapped in chicken wire, a baby with a noggin like a casaba melon, a couple of cut-rate demons, and a big mug whose name sounds like the noise I make spitting a loogie. Bah. These days any sissy-Mary who had a lousy childhood or got cut off in traffic or ate a bad kreplach can call himself a bad guy. In my day we had real villains--like in my 1940 cartoon, "Sour Krauts". I dressed up as a shoeshine boy and wiped nitroglycerine-laced polish on the shoes of Schicklegruber, Hirohito, and Mussolini in a bunker...then I disguised myself as an oompah bandleader and got them to do a polka so their shoes'd hit the floor and blow up. [chuckles] Wanna watch? [whips out an old-fashioned two-reel film projector]
JOAN [visibly revulsed yet trying to be polite]: Umm...no thanks. I'll wait for it to be released on the new Looney Tunes DVD.
[Cut to interior of Warners soundstage, where CHANDU, PLOTZ, and LYDIA sit around a semidarkened Jackie Chan Adventures set. The background music is a slow-tempo "Shuffle Off to Buffalo".)
CHANDU: So my fleabrained relatives failed, I take it?
LYDIA: Yes, I'm afraid so. The Warners and Mr. Chan are quite resourceful on their own--put them together and it's like mayonnaise meeting cheese. [noting how smug PLOTZ looks] Sir, you don't seem concerned that everything's kerflooie.
PLOTZ: Eh. Perhaps. But I'm a pragmatist. There's many obscure and untapped holidays out there. I'm considering an Arbor Day Parade for 2002! [stands; spreads arms wide, voice becomes louder and more excited] I can see it now--every plant Pokemon I can lay my hands on as marshals. Captain Planet and Poison Ivy riding the head car. 24-hour marathons of environmentally-friendly episodes of every cartoon in our archives, from The Planeteeers to Max Steel in the rainforest to having R.L. Stine hammer out a new Nightmare Room script with giant monster flesh-eating trees! What do you think? [is drooling a bit; looks hopeful]
LYDIA [again, visibly revulsed yet trying to be polite]: Ahh...sir, there...are no words.
CHANDU: So, Ms. Karaoke--care to accompany me to Impetago's this evening, say seven-thirty? Though my demon form is infinitely more powerful, this stone number is much better for getting a good table, especially on a busy night.
LYDIA [revulsed yet polite]: No, thank you. I have a date this evening.
CHANDU [sulky, sotto voce]: It's just as well. I'd be afraid to kiss you with those cheekbones. Yours are more chiseled than mine.
LYDIA [wary]: Eh?
CHANDU [quickly]: Oh...nothing.
[Cut back to the street. BRAIN looks at the skywriting overhead and appears pleased. An instrumental P&B theme plays.]
BRAIN: If not the most subtle of messages...it appears to be getting the proletariat's attention. The world will be in my pocket by Friday morning.
Someone else can cap this off.
Last edited by DR. BELCH; 11-16-2001 at 10:38 AM.
The gang goes to Jett's concert...
(A hard-rock version of the "Mary Tyler Moore" theme song starts playing, while the crowd is cheering)
Joan: (Speaking) I'd like to dedicate this to Dot Warner and the rest of her friends, whom I helped save Thanksgiving with! (Singing, as she furiously goes at the guitar while her band rocks hard) Who can turn the stove on with her smile?
Who can take a bubble bath and suddenly fill it with crocodiles?
'Cause it's you, Dot, and you should know it
Put nitro on a bridge; go ahead and blow it.
Mud is all around; I guess it's spring
Name another crooner, other than Bing
Don't throw your hat up in the air
'Cause what might land is a Frigidaire.
Cut to the Warners.
Yakko: Great concert, huh?
Dot: Oh, I'll say!
(Cut to the Brain, talking with Wendy on a telephone, via split-screen outside the arena)
Brain: So Peter and Stewie are going to jail?
Wendy: Yes, 140 people, including me, filed a class action lawsuit against him! He's going to jail for 5 years! The baby will be out in one, or at least until your next adventure.
Brain: I guess that's good news...except for the Stewie thing.
Wendy: But it gets better...I'm finally moving to South Carolina, to be the head anchor of a news program there!
Brain: I'll have to visit you there!
Wendy: Feel free to! I'll wire you my new phone number and address, so you can come visit me!
Brain: Sounds good!
Wendy: Well, I'll see you soon!
(Brain gets off the phone. We cut to Brooklyn. Mikey and Sheryl are back in their apartment, with Sheryl back in her Madonna look-alike clothing)
Sheryl: (Sighing) So much for "Team Ninja"!
Mikey: No payment, no respect, no nothing! What a stupid (bleep)ing idea that was!
Sheryl: Well, there's always tomorrow night!
Mikey: What are we gonna do tomorrow night?
Sheryl: Same thing we do every night...Tongue-kiss and shout at each other!
(Chorus singers to the tune of P&TB. "They're Mikey and Sheryl and they're jerks, jerks, jerks, jerks, jerks!")
Sheryl and Mikey: Shut the (bleep) up...we've still got bricks!
---PICK UP HERE---
A Thanksgiving Right Out of His-to-reee...
(Commercials encouraging living-from-paycheck-to-paycheck Americans to go even further into debt than they already are to "keep America rolling" play....then, cut to the city of Detroit, on Thanksgiving Day. We see Axel's apartment, which is now decorated thoroughly for Thanksgiving: turkey decorations, etc. etc. are seen. We see in the dining area a large table set up, and in the kitchen, the smells of food being prepared....in the living room, in front of a big-screen TV set, we see playing the traditional Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. We also see, sitting in front of the set on various couches, are: the Warners, Axel's "Krump"-esque family, Jackie, Tohru, Uncle, Jade, Slappy, Skippy, Joan Jett, Fred, Barney (with Betty), Fonzie, Superboy, Pinky, and Billie. Missing from this large group gathering are Axel and the Brain....
(Cutting to the kitchen, we see Axel's there, along with Wilma Flintstone...)
AXEL: (Looking in the oven) I dunno about this, Wilma....I mean, I appreciate Fred orderin' that food for my dinner, and Superboy *did* manage to unthaw all the frozen Thanksgiving food for Los Angeles, but---
WILMA: (Waves her hands) Oh, don't worry about a *thing*....with my cooking skills, this meal will be one you all won't forget. (Calls out) Fred?
FRED: Yeah, honey?
WILMA: Did you remember to have those gravelberry pies shipped to Axel's apartment?
FRED: Oh, yeah, sure.... (watches a float, laughs) Heh, heh, heh...Bullwinkle's antlers sprung a leak.
[We hear a knock on the door, and Axel answers it. We see someone in Flintstones-esque clothes walk in, carrying eight enormous pies. Everyone's jaws drops at this sight.]
FRED: See? Wilma was right---between this and the turkeysaurus cookin' in the oven, there'll be enough leftovers to last us through...
BARNEY: (Eying Fred licking his lips, along with Axel's family and Wakko doing the same) ....the post-game show tonight? (Chuckles)
BILLIE: (Laughs, as does Pinky) Yeah....guess so....
[We suddenly see Brain walk into the apartment, looking extremely disappointed.]
PINKY: Egad....is something wrong, Brain?
BRAIN: (Saddened) Yes, Pinky....once again, my dreams of world conquest have been undermined.
PINKY: (Frowns) It's not that naughty baby again, is it?
BRAIN: *No*.... it seems that after Superboy freed the players from the stadium locker rooms and repaired the football field, the players got a glimpse of the Thanksgiving performance the Warners and Ms. Jett put on in Burbank yesterday. They were so enamorated of it, that they all decided to call the game off to go home to their families.
PINKY: Awww.....that's so *sweet*!
BRAIN: (Kicks a small bottlecap on the floor) Please.....Thanksgiving was supposed to be about my conquest of humanity for the benefit of all, *not* to spend time with *family*!
BILLIE: Oh, Eggy....now you *know* that no matter what happens, we'll be here for you. Right, guys? (Everyone nods in agreement, even Slappy begrudgingly)
BRAIN: That still doesn't make me feel better. What good is not having the respect of a mass...group....of...people? (Looks over the other guys in the room) Well...I suppose you may have a point.
BILLIE: See? What'd I tell ya? And to prove my point, look who we *invited*.... (points to a group of people standing in the doorway)
BRAIN: (Expression looking even less eager) Oh, *no*....
BRAIN'S MOTHER: (Wearing her pensamphalavox(sp?) device) Brain! Son, how are ya?
BRAIN'S FATHER: (Also wearing said device) Whatsa matter? Too "grown up" to give your old man a hug?
BRAIN: Erm... uh, no. (Does so, extremely quickly)
BRAIN'S MOTHER: (Holds up a newspaper with grass clipping and twigs sticking out of it) We brought some nuts and berries for the occasion, straight from Florida....hope nobody minds.
BRAIN'S FATHER: I expect you to eat it all this time, too, son.... remember last year's meal?
BRAIN: Indeed..... (looks behind his parents, to see....)
PINKY'S MUM: TROZ! We're here!
PINKY: (Excited) Mum? Dad?!? Sis?!? (Eyes Billie, the one who apparently invited them; runs over) Oh, this is going to be the bestest Thanksgiving *ever*!
PINKY'S DAD: Thanksgiving? Do we go around and give some thanks? I don't think we brought any.
PINKY'S MUM: Well, I *did* bring some nice yorkshire pudding! Made it meself.... (pulls into the room a wagon full of the stuff) And some candy canes, and carmel apples, and jelly beans, and---oh, yes, lots and lots of *pancakes*! (Points to another wagon behind the previous one, loaded with pancakes) Hope I brought enough...
WAKKO: (Licks his lips) Mmmm....(whips out some syrup and butter and approaches the wagon, but is stopped by Pinky and Brain's mothers standing in the way. Wakko bends down, and they each hold onto one of his ears)
PINKY'S MUM: Now see here....we're waiting until the big meal-thingy to eat these. I thought you looked hungry like a giant metal birdie!
BRAIN'S MOTHER: Yeah....and look at those hands! (Pinky's mum "tsk, tsk"s) You go into the bathroom right now and wash up....
WAKKO: Awww..... (They sternly stare at him) Oh, *fine*! (Walks off, looking upset)
BRAIN: (Sitting on the couch) Well, I suppose that ends my part of this adventure...but what about the rest of you?
FONZ: Heeeeyyy, the Cunninghams have their Thanksgiving all set, thanks to you! Thought I'd hang out here for awhile, though....and I had shipped her *courtesy* of the Fonz, some authentic Arthur's burgers and fries for everyone! (Everyone looks at him oddly, as Fonz points to various bags of the stuff on the dining room table) Hey, don't laugh....it's *very* traditional food for Mr. Fonzarelli!
DOT: (Sitting in Fonz's lap) I'm not complaining.
JADE: (Annoyed) I am upset that I got locked in that closet and didn't get to help the Jackinator on this way-awesome adventure... (Softens) But, well, it will be nice to have an *authentic* Thanksgiving dinner, instead of Chinese food....
UNCLE: *What* is wrong with Chinese?!? Very healthy....much moreso than the usual fatty American diet! Fortunately, I brought some food of my own....*Tohru*?! (Tohru walks in, carrying a huge pot of that Chinese noodle-based food we always see them eat on "Jackie Chan")
JACKIE: I'm glad we could spend time with each other....and *that* is what this holiday is all about. Moreso than world conquest or demon-creatures or talismans....
JADE: Awww, but they're so *cool*!
JADE: I know, I know....
JOAN JETT: I'm glad that you guys helped boost my career again....there's talk of giving me some sort of special on TV, even. I was going to spend today with some guys from New York I knew, but told them they could come here instead...
AXEL: (Muttering) That's it, just keep packin' em in here like some (bleep) cattle....
(We see walking into the apartment are the Cher-loving restaurant guys we saw earlier on in the story...they're carrying various cases of cheesecake and strawberry sorbert....)
PINKY: Yummy....*cheeese*-cake! (Seeing who's with the guys) NAARF--and *CHER*?!
CHER: Hey, all....(sees Joan) Joan.... this looks like it's gonna be the *best* Thanksgiving *ever*! (High-fives Joan) *Owww*!
SLAPPY: I'm just glad ...that I didn't have to get involved with this story as much as usual. And aside from that football-headed brat, none of 'em seemed worth usin' dynamite on. Now, I'm just gonna kick back and watch some gridiron action. (Brain winces at the thought) Well, they are showin' like six or seven other games, there....
BRAIN: Six or *seven*?! (Slaps his face at the missed opportunities for his plan) *oooohhh....*
SLAPPY: Oh, and I brought some walnut fig-dough surprise. Ya want some, get it yourself 'cause I ain't playin' waitress for you guys.
SKIPPY: Aunt Slappy, that must be the nicest thing you've done in....uh.... (counts on a calendar, until Slappy sternly stares at him, making him stop)
BRAIN: (Sees Superboy) You're still here....you've destroyed Stewie's Burbank lab and that time machine he built, yes?
BRAIN: And you've fixed all the damage you've done while under that infantile monster's control, yes?
BRAIN: And we agreed that once you used your superpowers to return to your own era via breaking the time barrier by flying at light speed counterclockwise around the Earth, you'd use super-self-hypnosis on yourself to erase all memory of your trip here, so as not to disrupt the space-time continuum, correct?
SUPERBOY: Erm, yes....
BRAIN: So my question is: why are you still here?
SUPERBOY: Well, the truth is....after all that went down, I, erm, kind of wanted something to eat. That, and hang out with you guys some more... Oh, yeah, and I did bring something. Could you look out the window? (They all go to the window, and we see Superboy is flying upwards, carrying a giant strawberry-frosting cake) Baked this up myself as a surprise. Didn't count on all those guys bringing cheesecake, though.
CHER-LOVING GUY #1: Don't worry-----we'll manage.
CHER-LOVING GUY #2: Besides hitting the treadmill afterwards for (looks the cake over), oh, about three weeks?
DOT: Some people actually have to *exercise* after eating enough food to feed the entire state of Florida, Wakko.
WAKKO: Oh, yeah, exercise....what a funny word.
[Superboy enters the apartment, carrying half the cake]
SUPERBOY: Saw some individuals in a church homeless shelter ten blocks away via super-vision. Thought I'd give them half the cake to go with the church's Thanksgiving day meal for them....
AXEL'S MOTHER: You *are* thoughtful....
SUPERBOY: (Blushes) Thanks, Mrs. Foley...
AXEL'S MOTHER: *Axel*! Why can't you be more like him?!
AXEL: Well, for starters, I don't gain superpowers when exposed to Earth's yellow (bleep)in' sun, *Ma*....
AXEL'S MOTHER: That's just an *excuse*!
AXEL: Aw, (bleep) it, ma, cut it *out*!
SUPERBOY: (Chuckling) Guess I'll have to see that "Nutty Professor" movie Pinky told me about...after I check out that incredible-sounding World Wide Web thing! The world of the future sure is an amazing place... not as amazing as the Legion of Superheroes' 30th century, but still, well, amazing....(remembers something) well, *almost* amazing. A certain new TV show with some twentysomething guy trying to play some warped, angst-ridden and costumeless version of *me* aside...
BILLIE: Let's not go there, OK Superboy? (Superboy nods) Good.
AXEL'S MOTHER: (Looks over a large pile of food on the counter in the kitchen) Let's see....I brought a huge pot of collard greens, three turkeys, six sweet potato pies, five cases of Diet Coke, three pots of macaroni and cheese shells, four pans of lasagna, eight dozen bread rolls....wonder if I should've brought somethin' for the *others*....
WILMA: (Eyes the oven) Looks like the turkeysaurus is about done....(hears a ping noise) Wonderful! (Grabs a giant oven mitt, and we soon see Wilma walk into the dining area carrying an enormous turkey, which makes everyone's jaws drop once more....)
SLAPPY: Ooooh, haven't seen a turkey like *that* since "Battlefield: Earth" came to the box office, heh, heh....
WILMA: (Sets the turkeysaurus down on the table) Dinner is ready, everyone! Let's gather around! (Everyone does so, all of them excited; Fred is given a fork and knife to do the carving)
FRED: (Laughs) Heh, heh, heh.....*happy Thanksgiving*, everybody! (Loudly) *YABBA-DABBA-DOO!!!*
OTHERS: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
(They all dig into the massive bounty of food, as the final orchestra music strikes up---to the tune of the closing music of the end of the old "Flintstones" episodes....)
WAKKO: (Eyes a giant turkeysaurus leg placed on his plate with glee) Now, *this* is a meal!
DOT: No foolin'....
YAKKO: Yeah....well, happy Thanksgiving, everybody!
(The final orchestra chords strike, signalling....)
(Credits roll, squeezed to the side of the screen to make room for promotions for "A CHANDU CHRISTMAS WEEKEND" on Kids' WB, with lots of stock footage of Jackie getting slapped around and Chandu (in Valmont-form) sitting at a desk a la David Letterman tapping some index cards on the desk like Letterman does...)
(Insert epilogues, etc. here)
Last edited by Anthonynotes; 11-08-2001 at 10:27 PM.
I got some credits right here (in random order)...
Yakko, Pinky, Ron Howard: Rob Paulsen
Wakko: Jess Harnell
Dot, Billie, Britney, Cher: Tress MacNeille
Brain: Maurice LaMarche
Plotz, First promo announcer, Father Time: Frank Welker
Slappy: Sherri Stoner
Axel Foley, Foley's family members: Eddie Murphy
Jackie Chan: Himself
Joan Jett: Herself
Fonz: Henry Winkler
Mr. Cunningham: Tom Bosley
Ms. Cunningham: Marion Ross
Joanie: Erin Moran
Mikey: Andrew "Dice" Clay
Sheryl: Marisa Tomei
Lydia Karaoke: Nora Dunn
Wendy Franchetti: Debi Mazar
----Pick up credits and epilogues here---
Peter and Stewie in jail, (and a set-up for a future story)...
(We cut to the Quahog Maximum Security Prison. Stewie has been placed in a small cage, while Peter is in a cell with a racially and ethnically mixed group of hard-bitten criminals. The background music is "Swamp" by Talking Heads)
Peter: Boy, this must be like D*sney World for all of you, eh heh!
White thug: (Holding a knife to Peter) Shut the (bleep) up! You don't talk (bleep) to a guy like me!
Black thug: Yeah, man. I don't like racists! They put me in here for life because I assaulted the local chapter of the Ku...Klux...Hey, boys, we have the Klan leader right here!
Peter: What do you mean? Your time in the ghetto must have blinded you! Care for some chitlins? Eh heh!
Hispanic-German thug: (With a mixed H-G accent) We're going to have fun with you. We're gonna staple a picture of Hitler to your chest and Riverdance on it! We'll put a gun to your (bleep)ing head and pull the trigger 'til it goes click!
Italian-Asian thug: It's gonna be your worst (bleep)ing nightmare! It's all catching up to you now!
Peter: GAH! (Everyone in the cell starts beating him up. Cut to Stewie)
Stewie: Blast it all it to bloody (bleep)! I can't even get one lousy crayon.
Police Officer: Stewart Griffin...
Police Officer: You've been freed! Apparently, we mistook you for someone else. While your father stays, someone is here to pick you up!
Stewie: Oh, goody!
(Cut to the outside. Stewie climbs in the car, and sees...)
Stewie: Oh my God, it's you!
Hannibal Lecter: Yes! Thanks to some forged papers, I'm your new legal guardian. Will you require some assistance in taking over the world in the future?
Stewie: Indeed I would. How can you help?
Hannibal: Would you like to go to California soon? I have a beef...no pun intended...to settle with the Warners, and I think a visit from me would be a great Christmas present!
Stewie: That would be wonderful!
Hannibal: You seem intelligent enough. How about I buy you your first bottle of Chianti?
Stewie: You're not serious, are you?
Hannibal: Sure I am!
Announcer: Coming in December---"Have Yourself A Wakko Little Christmas, Part 2: Hannibal Is Coming To Town!"
(A graphic with the title flashes on screen)
---Next epilogue here---
Last edited by Captain Caps; 11-09-2001 at 03:21 PM.
Yet Another Epilogue....
ANNOUNCER: And *finally*, that's the end, folks. Here's the fates of our massive cast of characters:
THE WARNERS returned to their Water Tower from Axel's place, with enough leftovers to last an average family for weeks. However, not being an average *anything* by any means, with Wakko around, said leftovers lasted until the following morning.
THE LAB MICE returned to ACME Labs in New York City, relieved at the thought of Stewie being thrown in jail (thanks to Rhode Island's stringent new "we're truly, honestly, *really*, seriously gettin' tough on crime here" laws that lowered the tried-as-an-adult age limit to six months, thereby ensnaring Stewie). However, upon hearing that he'd gotten out, Brain whapped his head against a test tube for a few minutes, followed by some therapeutic A&S (aspirin and Spinatra records). Meanwhile, Brain and Pinky's parents headed back to their respective homes following the Thanksgiving feast, with Brain insisting that "he has much work to catch up on".
SLAPPY and SKIPPY returned to their treehouse home in Burbank, awaiting a story with villains worthy of Slappy's time and ACME explosives.
AXEL FOLEY spent the following day cleaning up from the meal, followed by soaking his feet in a warm tub of water after playing "Flintstone car engine" for the past week. House majority leader Tom Daschle paid him a visit, insisting that Axel explain how he could spend *that* much on hospital bills in such a short period of time; Daschle, upon hearing the words "the Warners", quickly retracted his complaints and increased Axel's coverage threefold. Meanwhile, AXEL'S FAMILY took off for home, their appetite for once actually satiated thanks to Wilma's colossial-sized prehistoric food portions.
JOAN JETT took off for home to party down with CHER and the CHER-LOVING RESTAURANT GUYS, her career boosted by her participation in this story ("Well, at least *somebody*'s career actually didn't suffer by mere association with this thing", noted Dot).
JACKIE, TOHRU, UNCLE and JADE took off for San Francisco, to rest up until filming on the remaining batch of "Jackie Chan Adventures" episodes begins. Uncle bought a new V-Chip containing TV set, much to Jade's dismay.
CHANDU scored respectable ratings with his KWB stock-footage-promo weekend, pleasing PLOTZ. Future plans include finishing production on the remaining JCA episodes and attending his relative's New Year's Eve party; he awaits hearing back from Ms. Karaoke to see if she wishes to attend.
SUPERBOY, thanks to his superpowers, returned to the 1980's and erased his memory of the events of this story for the sake of the space-time continuum. "Wish *we* could do that", noted Slappy. Superboy did promise to leave in a mental note to attend a Joan Jett concert. You'll see Superboy again whenever Brainatra gets another nostalgic twinge/brain-dead time-travel-using idea, or DC either needs to renew his trademark, milk some more cash from him, and/or if "Smallville" starts to crash-and-burn...don't miss it!
AKOM and IGOR returned to their respective businesses in Milwaukee. Akom, in an attempt to make back the money he and Igor lost re: their Christmas bonuses, is peddling tapes of the "Chain Store Mash" theme song with little fake bows stuck to them. Sales are so far tepid.
THE FONZ returned to Milwaukee as well, deciding to use his newfound finger-snapping prowess to....pick up chicks. Eventually, though, as soon as Fonz realized how *uncool* that cartoon was ("Mr. Cool" the dog and all), the powers immediately vanished.
FRED and BARNEY returned to Bedrock, where they await their next TV special or movie. Barney looked into the "Hair Club for Cavemen", while Fred feigned off phone calls from Yakko begging for Pebbles' phone number and Wakko to see if he can get any more of that oversized food.
MIKEY and SHERYL, disappointed with "Team Ninja"'s lack of success, disbanded the team, sending GRIFFINO the robot back to Quahog and HOK FU back to Burbank to finish production on the JCA episodes.
WENDY is enjoying her new job at a South Carolina television station, and is striving to make the station's news the best it can be in the face of competition from the other stations and reruns of "She's the Sheriff".
As for STEWIE, his whereabouts are currently unknown.....but, of course, the little monster will probably be back in some future story, to Brain's dismay. PETER, meanwhile, was sprung from the hoosegow by RUPERT MURDOCH, who needed him to help with production advice on the latest tacky reality special, "Who Wants to Marry Some Accountant Making $50K a Year?"
[Final orchestra chords strike...]
Last edited by Anthonynotes; 11-10-2001 at 01:32 AM.