FREAKAZOD #25: "That's Why the Lady is a Freak!"

[DR. BELCH]

[Text on screen: "A musical interlude."]
ANNOUNCER: And now, a musical interlude.
[FREAKAZOID, seated at a piano, plays a horribly off-key version of that WB favorite "Beautiful Dreamer".]
ANNNOUNCER: This concludes our musical interlude. We now commence with our program.

[Main title theme.]

[Title Card: "That's Why the Lady is a Freak!" An illustration of a voluptuous young woman, in silhouette, showing a definite trademark lightning-streaked Freak-ish popadour.]
ACT ONE
[Fade in on a live-action shot of the Chicago skyline.]
ANNOUNCER: Ah, Chicago, Illinois. City of the Big
Shoulders. Home to the Bulls, Bears, White Sox, and Mrs. O'Leary's cow.
[Zip pan.]
ANNOUNCER: A darn pity it has nothing to do with
today's story.
[Pan in on an exterior shot of Harry Connick High
School. Fade in on interior and dolly through a
typical hallway.]
ANNOUNCER: Our story takes place here in the hallowed,
revered, and--[sniffs]--somewhat smelly halls of
HCHS...attended by our hero Freakazoid! [heroic
fanfare] That is to say, when he's in his civilian
identity of the mildest of the mild-mannered, Dexter
Douglas.
[Cut to a shot of DEXTER in a classroom. A
pitiful-sounding "wah-wah!" trumpet sounds. He is
listening intently to the lecture, but the other
students seem apathetic or asleep.]
TEACHER, off-camera [with a definite Minnesota
acccent]: ...so in the Middle Ages, the small European
duchy of Brabant, now known as Belgium, had a very
prosperous domestic industry of lace-making, dont'cha
know. [bell rings] Already? Well, that's it for me,
class.
DEXTER [raises hand]: Uh, Mrs. Chatterly, what about
our homework?
MRS. C.: Oh, ja. Thanks for reminding me, dont'cha
know, Dexter. Okay, read pages 1050-1135 and do
questions 1-27 on page 1137. [The other classmates
groan and throw paperwads at DEXTER. He whines in
pain.]
[Cut to hallway. Students are milling in each
direction. SFX: mooing cattle.]
ANNOUNCER: Get to class, students. A mind is a
terrible thing to...well, now, who is this little
lady?
[Cut to shot of a small young lady in an olive-green
military field-jacket, too-big sneakers, and baggy
jeans. She is carrying a heavy-looking stack of
textbooks, hugged to her chest. She is jostled left
and right by students who either ignore her or insult
her as they pass. She'd be quite pretty, actually, if
her clothes weren't so big on her and she didn't
always look so sullen. She wears glasses, no makeup,
and a kinky, neck-length haircut. She bears a striking
resemblance to Emily Bergl ("The Rage: Carrie 2".)]
ANNOUNCER: Why, that's Mary McClaus, the new girl in
Harry Connick High. My word, she is a sulky little
thing, isn't she? What has she got to be so mad about?
[As if to answer the ANNOUNCER's question, a large
jock-type walks by and rudely slaps MARY's books to
the floor, and, as she stoops to pick them up, makes a
rude flatulent noise with his mouth. Her eyes widen
and she blushes. The JOCK laughs and points and holds
his nose. Several other students laugh as well.]
MARY [thoroughly frustrated]: Ohh! Grrr....frig it!
ANNOUNCER: My, such language. Do you kiss your mother
with that mouth?
MARY [muttering to self]: Every day they do this to
me...it's so immature...why don't those guys get a
frigging life? Aack! [Her angry rants continue until
she sees a handsome student walk past, and she quiets
instantly. The YOUNG MAN in question looks a lot like
"Dawson's Creek" star James Van Der Beek....and you
can tell by MARY's expression and the romantic music
in the background that she is smitten with him. The
back of his football jacket bears the YOUNG MAN's
surname, "Johnson". In a low, purring tone:]
Hello-ooo-oo-o, baby.
ANNOUNCER: Ahem. Meantime...
[Zip pan to a shot of police headquarters. A trumpet
sounds. It's the Horn of Urgency. Cut to SGT. KING at
his desk, feet up, thumbing through a newspaper. The
HUNTSMAN enters, with theme fafare.]
HUNTSMAN: I heard the horn blow, Chief. Whose the
culprit? Cave Guy? Candle Jack? Cobra Queen, maybe?
KING: False alarm, Huntsman. My son Charlie was
playing around with the Horn. His mother spanked his
bottom real good for that little prank. Sorry to
bother you.
HUNTSMAN: Not even a cruddy little jaywalker to beat
up on? [smacks fist into his palm]
KING: Not that I know of. Sorry.
HUNTSMAN: Darn the luck! Darn it all! [sighs] Well,
long as I'm in the city, I think I'll go see my mother.
KING: Mm-hmmm. You sound like a good son, Huntsman.
HUNTSMAN: Darn right. She lives over on Sonny Tufts
Boulevard.
KING: Ah. Rough neighborhood.
HUNTSMAN: I know. With any luck I might scare up a
pickpocket...or a carjacker. Adios, chief. I did give
you my mom's number, didn't I? Doris Feeb?
KING: I got numbers for all your relatives, Huntsman.
Something goes down, you're the first guy we call.
Have a good one.
[HUNTSMAN exits, and we see his back as he recedes
down the hall, clenching his fists and muttering,
"Darn!" repeatedly.]
[Cut to exterior of building, where a black car is
parked across the street. A FAMILIAR VOICE is heard
from inside.]
VOICE: The Horn of Urgency. A summoning tool for a
third-rate hack in a "Robin Hood Daffy" getup--or
something far more...*sinister*? [dry chuckle]
ANNOUNCER: Bum-bum-bummmmm!

[commercial break]

ACT TWO
[Open on HCHS, exterior. Pan in on a window and
dissolve to interior. MARY is seated in a computer
lab, typing at one of the keyboards. Three BURLY JOCKS
enter, one of which is the guy who knocked her books
out of her hands earlier.]
JOCK #1: Hey, Louse--what'cha doin' there, huh?
MARY [sullenly] None of your darn business,
Monkenschpenk. And don't call me Louse.
MONKENSCHPENK: Whatever you say...*Louse*. [The other
two JOCKS snicker and repeat the word "louse" as they
guffaw.] What'cha up to there? Looking for naughty
websites? [produces a can of soda and cracks it open]
MARY [heavy sigh]: If you *must* know, I am gathering
research data for a report on the Lower North American
spotted dung beetle for zoology class. Now if you'll
pardon me--
MONKENSCHPENK [blinks]: You hear that boys? She's
looking up stuff on poo bugs! [cackles, as do his
friends] I bet it's great finding info on your
relatives, huh, Louse? [swigs soda]
MARY: Ye-eah. [eyes soda distastefully] And for the
love of Charles Babbage, Monkey. There are rules, you
know. No drinks allowed in the comp lab.
MONKENSCHPENK [sarcastic]: Oh, geez, I am so sorry! I
didn't know! Can you ever forgive me? [pours his soda
on the keyboard; there is a loud crack of electricity,
and the screen fills with gibberish.]
MARY: Oh, frig it! Look what you did, you dumb ox!
You've ruined a very expensive piece of hardware!
MONKENSCHPENK: Don't sweat it, doll. Nobody cares
about computers. All this school's money is being
funneled into sports! [claps MARY on the back,
knocking her glasses askew; laughs madly and exeunts
with his guffawing buddies.]
MARY: Putz. [straightens her glasses and looks at the
soda-soaked keyboard. POV shot of the screen, with a
very familiar "formula" on it.] Frig it. I'll just
delete this garbage and clean up the mess. [closeup of
MARY's figer, in slo-mo, hitting the DELETE button.
The computer beeps, makes a noise like a blender on
the fritz, and generates an electrical field that
envelops MARY. She shrieks...and what happens next is
truly amazing. MARY goes from drab to dynamite in a
very Sailor Moon-ish tranformation sequence,
accompanied by a FREAKAZOID theme played in a
"feminine" register (flutes, piccolos and violins),
360-degree turns, special effects backgrounds, and a
chorus warbling "FREAKAZETTE!" The baggy pants and
jacket are replaced by a skintight blue unitard and
white heeled boots, and her drab brown hair is swept
up and infused with color.
When the smoke and lights clear, the camera pans in on
a closeup of FREAKAZETTE's boots, then slowly up her
body until it reaches her face. Background music: "The Lady in Red" ,instrumental. Like her male counterpart, two actors are used--one for plain-Jane MARY, and for FREAKAZETTE, Alison Court (Lydia Deetz on "Beetlejuice", Jubilee on "X-Men). She's
information overload personified...but with a definite
X chromosome, bearing the imprint of every female pop
icon for the last 40 0r 50 years.]
FREAKAZETTE [looking at her chest]: Whoa. Better be
careful, boys--you get too close, I might poke an eye
out. [imitating Joan Rivers] Oh-ho-ho! Am I bad, or
what? Can we talk? [imitating Eva Gabor] But you look
mah-velous, dah-link! Simply mah-velous! [imitating
Betty Boop as she tap-dances] Freak-a-deek-a-deek!
Deek-deek-deek-deek! [squeals]
[A knock on the door startles her.]
Uh-oh. It's the pleasure police. Gotta make like the
seat on a pair of cheap Fruit of the Looms and split.
[turns into lightning and leaps into the computer,
which then spits a very groggy MARY onto the floor.
She comes to, dizzy, as a teacher enters.
TEACHER [concerned]: Mary? [alarmed] Mary! [hurries to
help her up] Are you all right? What happened?
MARY: Uh...I--I'm not sure. The Monkey and his goon
squad were in here, and he poured a can of soda on the
computer. I tried to clean it up, and I must have
gotten a shock from the--oof! [The TEACHER drops MARY
suddenly, causing her to land hard on her bottom, and
runs to the computer. She babies it, quite forgetting MARY.]
TEACHER [crooning softly]: My poor little
sweetums--did you have a nasty power surge? Did this
mean little girl do something to you to make you have
a meltdown? [sternly, to MARY] Do you realize that
this computers are expensive? Drinks are prohibited
in the computer lab, Ms. Louse--
MARY [exasperated]: *McClause*.
TEACHER: --and it's very irresponsible of you to
ignore the rules--and then try to pin it on our
school's top quarterback, our only hope of winning the
pennant for the first time in ten years. Well, little
missy, I hope you're satisfied. Because of you, the
cost of replacing this computer will have to be taken
out of the school budget somewhere.
MARY [indignant]: Might I suggest deducting the cost
from the bloated and overblown athletic department?
TEACHER [angry]: Is your brain just painted on, young
lady? The football team is our one hope of ever
putting our little podunk school in a hayseed town a
modicum of respect! We'll just take a little money
from one of the nonessential programs this school
offers--like horticulture! Or--or mathematics! Yes!
[leaves, cackling]
MARY [groans]: The story of my life. [holds her
forehead] My skull is throbbing. I need to go home and
lie down. [exeunts]
[Spin cut to the next scene, with a grinning
FREAKAZOID head advancing towards the camera, then
retreating. The scene opens on a storefront: "B.
Tovenmyer's Tune Zone". Pan to interior. FREAKAZOID
is talking to the proprietor, who is behind the
counter. He looks a lot like Beethoven from the A!
short "Roll over Beethoven" and H! #40, "Music", and
speaks in a Christopher Lloyd voice. The background
music is "Fifth Symphony", then switches from "Ode to
Joy" when FREAKAZOID promises to catch the criminal
responsible.]
TOVENMEYER: And that's the story, Mr. Freakazoid. Some
meshugenah broke in here last night and stole every
reed I had in stock. [holds up saxophone] You can't
play this ferschlugginer thing without a reed. [holds
up clarinet] This one, you need two. Every woodwind in
my store--useless without reeds.
FREAKAZOID: Don't you worry, Mr. Tovenmyer. I'll catch
this no- good red thief reed-handed. Um--I mean,
*reed* thief *red* handed.
TOVENMYER [putting ear trumpet in ear]: What was that?
I didn't hear you.
FREAKAZOID [slightly louder]: I said don't sweat it,
Mr. Tovenmyer. I'll catch the thief.
TOVENMYER [still holding trumpet to ear]: What?
FREAKAZOID [slightly louder]: I said I will catch the
guy who stole your reeds.
TOVENMYER [still with trumpet]: I'm sorry, son. You'll
have to speak up.
FREAKAZOID [at top of voice, enunciating]: I said I
will catch the guy who did this! What are you, deaf or
something?
TOVENMYER [also in loud voice]: I'm sorry, I can't
hear you! I'm almost completely deaf!
FREAKAZOID [loudly]: Now he tells-- [catches himself;
lowers volume] Now he tells me.
[Pan to exterior of shop as FREAKAZOID leaves and
walks down the street.]
FREAKAZOID: A dozen burglaries in the last two weeks.
All involved music stores. No money was stolen, just
little wooden sticks. Why would anyone want a bunch of
worthless sticks? I'm going to have to ponder this one
very carefully and not let anything distract me.
[COSGROVE drives up in his squad car.]
COSGROVE: Yo, kid. You want to go to Taco Barn? They
have a great deal going--six tacos for a buck.
FREAKAZOID [excited]: Cheap tacos? You bet your sweet
bippy I do! [hops into car, which drives away.]
[Spin-cut to next scene with flying FREAKAZOID head.
Overhead pan to MARY, lying in her bed in a T-shirt,
in the grips of a nightmare, tossing, turning,
mumbling incoherently, and sweating profusely. The
background music is "In the Hall of the Mountain
King", slowly increasing in tempo, and just as it hits
a crecendo, the phone rings. MARY awakens screaming.
She looks about and sighs in relief.]
MARY: Wow. What a nightmare. I must be losing my mind.
The phone rings again; MARY picks it up. Split screen
to reveal HUGH JOHNSON, the object of MARY's
affection. HUGH's voice sounds like John Travolta.]
MARY: Hello?
HUGH: Hey, Mary. This is Hugh, from school. [MARY's
eyes widen.] I know it's a bit short notice, but my
big brother invited me over to a party at his college,
and said I could bring a date. Naturally I thought of
you. So...you interested?
MARY [squeals]: Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
[clears throat, says demurely] I mean, sounds amusing.
I consent.
HUGH: Great. It's at the Kwaffa Lotta Bru frat house.
I'll pick you up at 7:30 tomorrow evening. Wear your
best dress, babe. [hangs up]
[MARY squeals with delight and bounds out of bed. She
looks at herself in the mirror, humming "The Bridal
March". She sees her reflection go out of focus, and a
strange blue girl's face--her alter ego--stares back
at her. She shakes her head with a rattling noise and
rubs her eyes, then looks again. The image is gone.]
MARY: Fuh-REEEEEE-ky. [sighs] Oh well. [squeals] I
have a date! [dances victoriously about the room]
NARRATOR: Meantime...
[Cut to interior of Taco Barn, where COSGROVE and
FREAKAZOID are eating tacos. FREAKAZOID has amassed a
pile of wrappers two feet high.]
COSGROVE: You eat that many tacos in one sitting,
junior, you're gonna get an urpy belly. By the way, I
hear some music stores in the area have reported all
their guitar strings stolen.
FREAKAZOID: Guitar strings? First wooden sticks, and
now strings? What do you make of it, Cosgrove?
COSGROVE: Don't ask me, kid. I'm not a music lover.
Though I *do* play a mean comb. [takes from his breast
pocket a comb and a bit of tissue paper, drapes the
paper over the comb, and plays a passable rendition of
"Dixie" by blowing over it.]
FREAKAZOID: Thanks, Cosgrove. You've been a modicum of
help. [zips off]
COSGROVE: Thanks, junior. I appreciate the kind words.
[Spin cut with flying FREAKAZOID head. Open on shot
of large building with strange Greek letters on it and
lights and loud music coming from within. We see a
crowd of college students milling into the
building--including EMMITT NERVEND and a female EMMITT
NERVEND, all dressed up. Pan to interior, on the dance
floor. MARY, in a green gown, is dancing with HUGH
JOHNSON's, her head on his chest. A closeup shows a
dreamy look on her face.]
MARY: This is *elysium*. I never imagined I could be
so happy, Hugh.
HUGH [slightly confused]: Uh, yeah. E-leez-uhm.
Whatever you say, doll. Hey, I think they're about to
make an announcement.
[An EMCEE takes the stage; he resembles/sounds like
the late Wolfman Jack. He barks into the mike.]
EMCEE: Hey, this is "Dogface" Joe, your moderator for
the eve-a-ning. We're about to crown the king and
queen of the Kwaffa Lotta Bru Spring Fling Thing
Dance-O-Rama Bash Festival Event. And--[produces an
envelope]--your winners with the most votes...[drum
roll]...Hugh Johnson and Mary McClaus!
[MARY squeals with delight, although HUGH looks
nonchalant. They take the stage, and "DOGFACE" JOE
places a crown on HUGH. MARY awaits her own
eagerly--but instead of a crown, JOE snaps a rubber
pig nose on her face.]
"DOGFACE" JOE: Congratulations, Hugh my boy, on
bringing the biggest pig to the party. [The crowd
starts chanting "pig, pig, pig" in a rhythmic cadence.
MARY looks about and notices all the handsome guys
have homely dates--fat girls, pimply girls, gawky,
too-thin girls. She is shocked, then seething; tears
stream down her face. Someone sneaks up behind her and
pours an entire bowl of blood-colored punch over her
head, soaking her thoroughly. The background music is
"Mountain King", low, throbbing, psychotic-sounding,
rising to a slow crecendo. A 360-degree pan captures
MARY's expression of hurt and fury and bewilderment,
the chanting crowd, and HUGH's laughing face. A POV
shot of MARY's uplifted hand shows it dripping with
punch. A closeup of her eyes shows a spark of
anger--resembling a computer screen coming to life.]
MARY [growls and shouts]: Frig it!
[Suddenly MARY explodes in a pillar of flame;
frightening the crowd. FREAKAZETTE emerges. The music
for the scene is reminiscent of the background theme
to "Beetlejuice".]
FREAKAZETTE [in gravelly voice]: I-iii-ii-it's
showtime! [cackles madly]
DOGFACE: [stammers]: Sh-she's a freak!
FREAKAZETTE [placing her arm over his shoulder, speaks
sweetly]: You're half right, gruesome. I'm a
Freakazette! ["Barber of Seville" plays in the
background.] Ooh, what nasty split ends! Let me help
you. [grabs DOGFACE's hair and beard and yanks,
tearing it out and leaving him bald.] A pig party,
huh? Insulting less-than-supermodel-material women? Is
*that* your idea of a good time, Lon Chaney?
DOGFACE: You don't understand! [back away, stumbles
over amp, falls off the stage and crawls away
whimpering. The crowd screams and runs for the doors,
but FREAKAZETTE telekinetically slams them shut. She
zips over to the beer keg, hoists it, punches a hole
in it with her fist, and shotguns the entire thing.]
FREAKAZETTE [trills, imitating Judy Tenuta in a high
voice] Oh, I think this stuff is going right to my
head! [shrieks as Judy] And I like it! [hiccups
prettily, with a hand to her mouth. Cut to exterior of
building, where a thunderous belch sounds that blows
out every window in the Kwaffa Lotta Bru house. Cut
back to interior. FREAKAZETTE is wobbling unsteadily
on her feet, hand on her mouth.]
FREAKAZETTE [giggles] Pardon me. [zips over to THE
MONKEY, and trills again. In Southern belle voice:]
Why, grits 'n' gravy if it ain't my old buddy Bernard
"The Monkey" Monkenschpenk, Harry Connick High's top
q.b. How you doing, Monkster?
THE MONKEY [gulps]: L-Louse! What are you--I-I mean,
how--?
FREAKAZETTE: It's you I have to thank for
my...newfound capabilities, Monkey-boy. Here, let me
illustrate my appreciation. [pulls his underwear over
his head, then zips to the stage. THE MONKEY's date, a
beautiful blonde, shrieks and runs away. FREAKAZETTE
tears the cord from one of the amps, zips back, ties
MONKEY's ankles and wrists, and zips over a rafter
trailing the cord. The result is MONKEY, wedgied and
looking like the world's ugliest pinata hanging from
the ceiling. That done, FREAKAZETTE confronts HUGH.]
HUGH [stammers]: The pig party was my brother's idea,
love. Him and his frat brothers. I had nothing to do
with it. I didn't know. I swear.
FREAKAZETTE [mock-sypmpathetically]: I believe you,
Hugh [as Katherine Hepburn] Raaaaaaah-lly I do. [normal voice] Think fast, Slick. [hands HUGH the other amp and takes a few steps back. HUGH looks down to see himself standing in
a puddle of spilled punch. A POV shot of the cables
trailing from the amp, and FREAKAZETTE holding the
wires--which are live and sparking. A fast cut to show
HUGH shaking his head "no, no, no", then another to
FREAKAZETTE's head nodding "yes, yes, yes." She grins
wickedly and joins the two wires.]
HUGH [as he is elecrocuted, with his skeleton showing
through his skin]:
HOBBADAHOBBADAHOBBADAHOBBADAHHOBBADAH!
[HUGH is burned as black as a piece of overdone toast.
He crumbles into a pile of ash, starting from his feet
up to his head.]
FREAKAZETTE [blowing a kiss]: Adios...suckers! [zips
at lightning speed through locked doors; the camera
follows her into the night, and we can hear her
giggling madly. The PARTYGOERS, their clothes wet and
torn and dirty, watch her disappear into the night
with open mouths.]
[Zip pan to across town, with FREAKAZOID, chin in
hand, staring at the pavement in deep thought. Not
looking where he's going, he collides with a
lamppost.]
FREAKAZOID: Owie! [rubs head] What a stupid place to
put a lamppost! I'm going to write my government
representative a ranting letter of complaint!
[suddenly looks interested as a black car drives by. A
POV shot of the car's ear bumper. The license plate
reads LOBEY#1.] What's The Lobe's car doing cruising
the streets at this time of night? Either he's up to
something no good, or he's found a great new nightclub
to boogie at. Either way, I want in! [runs along after
the limo and makes whooshing noises. Just as
FREAKAZOID exits stage left, FREAKAZETTE enters stage
right at top speed. She makes a "beep beep" noise,
darts her tongue in and out a la Roadrunner, and zips
away.]
[Spin cut with a big F! symbol to a creepy-looking
factory surrounded by smog and leaking disgusting-
looking fluids into a river through huge drainpipes.
FREAKAZETTE zips in, stage left, and stops in front of
the chain-link fence. She notes the lights in the
windows and LOBE's limo parked there and looks
bemused.]
FREAKAZETTE: Looks like a party at the Shreeve
Laboratories just outside town. And they didn't invite
me? I'm hurt. [goes into a Tasmanian Devil spin and
bores into the ground.]
[Cut to interior. FREAKAZOID and LOBE are squaring
off, edging around in a circle, each ready to pounce
on the other.]
FREAKAZOID: All right, Lobe, talk. I have a feeling in
my gut it's you who's running about stealing guitar
strings and saxaphone reeds. Of course, that could
just be the three dozen tacos I just had for dinner
catching up to me.
LOBE: Your shabby diet habits disinterest me,
Freakazoid. Yes, I did steal the strings and reeds,
and what of it? I needed them for my latest
project...just as I needed this. [holds up a spool
of wire]
FREAKAOID [in childlike voice] What'cha gonna do with
all the pretty things you stole? Huh? C'mon! Tell me!
LOBE: Well, it's really quite simple, you see. With
these things, one is able to cause-- [catches himself]
Oh, no. You won't catch me with the
make-the-villian-tell-you-his-plan-to-facilitate-thwarting-it
gambit. Reserve that for a less cerebral foe, like
Cave Guy, or Cobra Queen, or Longhorn. Good day to
you. [begins to walk away]
[The ground shakes under LOBE and FREAKAZOID's feet,
and up pops FREAKAZETTE. She throws her arms up and
takes a bow.]
FREAKAZOID: Homina homina huh?
LOBE: Who is this? A groupie? Your twin sister,
perhaps?
FREAKAZOID: I don't have a sister! I don't know who
this--who are you, anyway?
FREAKAZETTE: I'm Freakazette. The new girl in town. No
applause, just throw money and kisses. [notes FREAKAZOID's outfit] Oh, I hate it when I show up to a party and someone else is wearing the same thing I am! [does a spin and reappears in a robin's-egg blue suit] Ah, well. I look better in blue anywho. I think it brings out my eyes. [slaps her right palm on the back of her skull, causing her eyeballs to pop out into her left palm. They blink coquettishly at FREAKAZOID.]
FREAKAZOID [in Jerry Lewis voice]: Ewww! Hoyl! Oh, creepy lady! With the thing of the eyes and the hand and the popping out of the noggin and the blue spandex--[Jerry's serious voice] Please don't do that again, querida. It sickens me, and it cheapens you.
FREAKAZETTE [Valley girl voice]: What-ev. [She sees LOBE and starts to giggle uncontrollably]
LOBE [quite confounded]: What? What are you laughing at?
FREAKAZETTE: You. Your head. It looks like a big
tuchus. [giggles.]
LOBE [indignant]: What? How dare you. It does not.
FREAKAZETTE: It does too! It looks like a big fat
giant tuchus! [giggles more]
FREAKAZOID: You know, I always thought it looked like
an uncooked meatloaf. But you're right--it *does* look
like a tuchus. [starts to giggle also]
LOBE [whining]: It does not look like a tuchus. You're
so mean, Freakazoid.
FREAKAZOID [ceases laughing, as does FREAKAZETTE]: I'm
sorry. I hadn't realized how hurtful I was being. I
can be a real jerk sometimes. [bows head and pauses]
Like right now. [kicks the metal spool out of LOBE's
hands, sending it clattering down the floor.]
LOBE: Hey! No fair!
FREAKAZOID [runs to catch the spool]: Freakazette! Go
long! [picks up spool, runs with it like a football.
Background music is "Freddie the Freshman".]
FREAKAZETTE [arms in air]: I'm open! I'm open!
[FREAKAZOID sends it flying to FREAKAZETTE over LOBE's
head. FREAKAZETTE takes the spool. She fakes left,
fakes right, and passes it to FREAKAZOID, who runs
with it. FREAKAZOID dodges the LOBE, fakes, and passes
it to FREAKAZETTE. She outmaneuvers the LOBE as
FREAKZOID heads for an open window and stands below
it, then calls to her. She is about to throw the spool
to him--but slips on a patch of grease and stumbles
heavily into some fuel oil barrels, causing them to
spill. She drops the spool; LOBE grabs it, waves
good-bye, and ducks out a door in the rear. The oil
spreads to an overloaded socket in the wall that is
sparking dangerously. Cut to FREAKAZOID and
FREAKAZETTE fright reaction. Cut to exterior of
building going up in huge fireball. Cut to LOBE,
crouching behind his limo door, holding up the spool
and laughing triumphantly as flaming debris rains down
around him.]
LOBE: [i]Adios, enimigo mio[/b]! [cackles as he enters the
limo, and it heads off down the debris-littered street.]
[Cut to pile of smoking ashes, all that's left of the
lab. "Taps" sounds in the background. The rubble
moves, and a charred FREAKAZOID emerges, his costume
in rags. He coughs and blows a cloud of smoke.]
FREAKAZOID [grimly]: Nutbunnies. [looks around] Where
the blazes did she go? That seductive little nymph
cost me a chance at nabbing The Lobe! [looks off into
smoke-filled sky, says in subdued tone] I wonder if
I'll ever see her again. She was so lovely...her skin
so soft, her hair like flax. I want to look into those
deep blue eyes of hers just once more, tenderly,
and...and... [angrily, eyes threaded with red veins]
rip her freaking head off and spit a loogie down her
throat! [breathing heavily with fury]

[commercial break]

[DR. BELCH]

ACT THREE
[Scene: exterior, next morning. Open on small wooden
shack up in the mountains with a dirt path leading to
it. A mailbox by the path reads, "R. MACSTEW". Cut to
interior, where RODDY MACSTEW is seated in a shabby
armchair watching television. He cracks open a bottle
of Scotch.]
RODDY. Ah. Breakfast.
[POV shot of television showing the Kwaffa Lotta Bru
house, with a newswoman standing in front of it.
Behind her, police and fireman survey the wreckage. ]
NEWSWOMAN: And according to eyewitness reports, this
frat house was broken into and demolished by what is
alledged to be...[she consults a notepad]...a
blue-skinned freakazoid.
RODDY [does a spit take, shrieks]: Sweet mother of
crud!
[Cut back to NEWSSWOMAN. Pan backwards to a shot of
THE HUNSTMAN, watching the broadcast through a row of
TVs in a shop window.]
HUNTSMAN: A blue-skinned freakazoid trashed the Kwaffa
Lotta Bru house, eh? And I wasn't called in! Darn the
luck! Darn! Darn! [kicks a can on the sidewalk]
[Cut back to NEWSWOMAN. Pan backwards to a TV in
MARY's bedroom, as she lies in bed listening to the
broadcast, buried under the covers, a pillow over her
head, moaning. When she hears the words "blue-skinned
freakazoid", she sits bolt upright, horrified, as she
recalls the events of the previous night. Zoom in on
her eye. We see an image of FREAKAZETTE inside her
eyeball, waving at the camera, winking.]
[Cut to exterior shot of bedroom window.]
MARY [thunderous voice]: Oh, frig it!
[Cut back to NEWSWOMAN. Pan backwards to a TV in
LOBE's laboratory, interior. LOBE's hands are working
furiously on some device; he pauses momentarily to
observe the broadcast.]
LOBE: That's that strange little girl who nearly
spoiled my fun last night at the Shreeve Laboratories.
Thanks to her I almost didn't acquire the acoustium
wire I need to complete my sound wave amplifier.
[laughs] Fortunately, she's as big a nimrod as her
male doppelganger. [tweaks something in his device
with a screwdriver and closes the case] There.
Complete. [POV shot of lab table, cluttered with junk]
Guitar strings. Musical reeds. Rubber bands. Bah!
Useless! Nothing felt right--until I stumbled across
this very special alloy. Its unique properties will
insure that Washington D.C. dies tonight...not with a
whimper, but with a bang! [hearty laugh]
[Iris out. Text on screen: "To be continued", followed
by, "Don't you hate seeing this at the end of a
program? Goshdarnit, I know I do."

[Roll end credits]

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING
___________________________

CHILDREN SHOULD NEVER WATCH A FREAKAZOID EPISODE
WHILE OPERATING HEAVY MACHINERY

[End tag: RODDY MACSTEW spitting and hollering "Sweet
mother of crud!"]

[Amblin logo and end.]




FREAKAZOID #26
"That's Why the Lady is a Freak!", part II

[FREAKAZOID theme]
ANNOUNCER: Previously on Freakazoid...
[Clips from F!#25, including MARY being sucked into
the computer and her transformation (with dialogue
from RODDY borrowed from "The Chip" concerning the
Pinacle chip flaw), her behavior at the frat house,
FREAKAZOID discussing the case with COSGROVE and the
SHOP OWNER, FREAKAZOID meets FREAKAZETTE, shots of THE
LOBE, the explosion, and some live-action
black-and-white stock footage of chimpanzees spliced
into the mix.]

ACT ONE
[Screen dissolves into static, then to an image of a
red suspender-clad MAN behind one end of a desk.
FREAKAZETTE is seated at the other end, smilling and
blinking coquettishly. Text on screen reads, "Barry
Ding Live".]
DING: Hello and welcome to "Barry Ding Live". With me
is the new girl in town, Freakazette. How do you feel
about rising from obscurity to taking this whole
country by storm?
FREAKAZETTE [in Southern belle voice]: Why, Barry,
thank you for those nice words. I have always depended
on the kindness of strangers.
DING: And honey, you're strange as they come. [presses
button on phone] Saganaw, Michigan, you're on the air.
WIMPY MR. SMARTY-PANTS-ISH VOICE: Uh, Freakazette, I'm
your biggest fan, and, uh, I was kind of wondering if
you could, um, send me an autographed picture of
yourself?
FREAKAZETTE [giggles]: Why, darling, I'd be glad to.
You sound like a cutie.
[The caller goes into a spasm of ecstatic moans and
sighs. DING presses a button and disconnects him.]
DING: Kissabutte, New Jersey. You're on the air.
ANDREW DICE CLAY-LIKE VOICE: Hey, Freaka-babe. I got a
poem I wrote for ya. Little girl blue, come blow--
DING [disconnects him hastily]: One more. California,
you're on with Barry Ding.
KATO KAELIN's voice: Um, yeah, Barry. Um--I heard two
loud thumps, and then the dog barked, and I--
DING: Goshdarnit, Kato, I told'jah, it's old news!
It's over! Quit calling here before I come over to
your house and whallop you with asack of nickels!
[connection breaks, dial tone] We'll be back with
Freakazette on "Barry Ding" after these--
[Static on screen. Dissolve to HOWARD STERN's studio,
interior. STERN is behind the console, FREAKAZETTE is
seated in a chair nearby, and ROBIN QUIVERS is behind
her glass pane.]
STERN: So you used to be a nerd, huh? Something must
have happened to you to really mess you up. Did your
parents spank you when you were little?
FREAKAZETTE: Well, I did get sucked through the
computer and was given super powers, Howie, like I said.
Other than that, no, nothing really out of the
ordinary.
STERN: Ah, that's what they all say. You want to take
your clothes off now?
ROBIN [laughing]: Howie, you're incorrigible!
FREAKAZETTE: I beg your pardon?
STERN: C'mon. That's what I'm here to see, baby. Take
it all off.
FREAKAZETTE: Well, if that's what you really want.
[stands up, turns so her profile is visible. Cut to
STERN, making lustful noises and hanging his tongue
out. FREAKAZETTE reaches for the zipper on the front
of her suit, gives it a slow, teasing pull--then, with
a fast, fluid motion, unzips her entire skin and lets
it fall in a heap at her feet, revealing a naked
skeleton underneath. STERN screams, eyes bugging out,
and dives under his console. ROBIN laughs
madly.]
SKELETON FREAKAZETTE [sweetly]: I did it for you, Howie.
STERN, whimpering: Ba-ba Booey, please bring me
another pair of pants!
[Screen dissolves to static, then to FREAKAZETTE and a
GIRL walking along the beach. The GIRL is dressed as a
mini-Freak, with blue skin
makeup and pointy-haired blonde wig.]
GIRL: Mommy, do you ever feel...not so Freak?
[Static. Cut to RODDY's shack, interior, FREAKAZOID is
pacing the floor, RODDY is in his armchair, frowning
at the images on his TV.]
RODDY: Ye were right to come t' me about this,
laddie. From what ye tell me and from the crud I just
saw, this girl has power she may not know how to use yet. I want ye to find her. Canvasse the town. It may take weeks...months...a long time. But I know you're dedicated enough for such an exhaustive--
FREAKAZETTE's voice, off camera: Got a minute, boys?
[Zip pan to FREAKAZETE, leaning in the open doorway,
arms folded.]
FREAKAZETTE: Like what you see?
[Pan back to RODDY and FREAKAZOID.]
RODDY: Aye, and she's come to us! There's a word for
that, ye know! Godsend? Miracle? Blessing?
FREAKAZOID: Contrived.
RODDY: Aye, that too.
FREAKAZETTE: If you're done giving your gums air, I've
come to see Mr. McStew. I know you're the foremost
authority on the Pinnacle chip and its flaw, and I've
come to ask you to--whoa! [covers her
eyes] Better start wearing boxers, Scotty. [points to
RODDY's kilted, open legs] I'm not that kind of girl.
RODDY: It's only what the good Lord give me, lassie!
[closes legs obligingly]
FREAKAZETTE: I want you to--[inhales deeply]--take it
out.
RODDY: Take what out, lassie?
FREAKAZETTE [opens her arms]: This. The Freak. Get
it out of my body. I don't want it. It makes me
feel--creepy. [a spotlight falls on her, and the
camera slowly pulls in. A violin plays.] All my life
I thought what it would be like to be
beautiful...powerful...popular.
I wanted to do great things and be loved. Then by some
fluke, I got my wish. And what did I do? I went out
and attacked those who hurt my feelings.
I hurt them. I didn't use my gifts wisely. I'm just a
monster. I tried to find acceptance by taking my
message to the masses by doing all those
TV appearances--but what good is having the people
love you if you hate yourself? My beauty is all an
illusion. Fame and fortune is as hollow
as a-a-a big hollow thing. Without it I'm just that
girl in the back of the class, the one you never even
notice.
FREAKAZOID [enters the spot, also solemn, speaking in
a serious Jerry Lewis voice]: I am also the outcast.
The nerd. The guy no girl cares about. The Freak is my
inner voice--wild, crazy, unpredicatable. But he is
also an illusion. When he leaves, it is I who goes home
alone.
[Pan to RODDY. He stands next to EMMITT NERVEND, who
is dressed as a gypsy with a kerchief on his head and
an earring and is playing the violin. RODDY snatches
the instrument and bow and yells.]
RODDY: Oh, do shut up! Ye sound like on of them cruddy
movies they play on the Lifetime Channel! [to EMMITT,
tossing him a coin] Here! Take it and buy yerself a
tambourine, ye cruddy blatherscyte!
[EMMITT bites the coin, smiles, and exeunts.]
RODDY [to FREAKAZETTE]: I cannae remove the Freak,
lassie. It's an integral part of ye. But you cannae
run around beating the crud out
of people and blowing up things. I'll train ye like I
did Freakazoid here. Ye will be my pupil, and I will
be your mentor. [Yells] And
ye'll cruddy well do everything I say or else I'll
whip the living crud out of ye! [Softly] Agreed,
lassie?
FREAKAZETTE: Yes. [shakes his hand]

[Commercial.]

[DR. BELCH]

ACT TWO
[Fade in on LOBE's hideout, interior. LOBE's two goons
(from "Normadeus") look uneasily at his silhouette on
the wall as he laughs maniacally.
Pan to LOBE holding a strange metal object in his
hands. It's rather cylindrical in shape, with a nozzle
at one end and a amplifying horn like a
Victrola's, only smaller, at the other.]
LOBE: Finally! Finally, gentlemen, my device is ready.
Once it's in place, I will rend this city to bits like
a rotten breadfruit. Observe. [LOBE places the nozzle
to his lips and blows into it, producing a sound like
someone blowing over the top of a bottle. A barrage of
sound waves issue from the horn of the instrument and
cause an end table to fly into bits.]
GOON #1: That's, uh, real nice, boss. Yeah. Real clever.
GOON #2: Yeah. Destroying all the city's tables.
That'll show them.
LOBE: No, fools. You think small. However, I think
big. And this is the last sound the peons will here
before their tragic end. [places hand under lab coat and emits a flatulent noise with his armpit]
GOON #1 [puzzled]: An armpit noise? [looks at GOON #2]
GOON #2 [looks at GOON #1]: Gee, boss.... [feels about
in jacket pockets] I--I still have the brochure to the
Home for the Mentally Complex here someplace, if you
think you might need a rest....
LOBE: Blast your brochure! I do not need a rest! I am
not mad! No. I figured out the reason my previous plan
to destroy Freakazoid with sound waves failed. I
thought too small. Why destroy one man and give him a
quick death when I can destroy what that man loves and
relentlessly torture him instead? If a
properly-calibrated wooden trumpet can turn one man's
molecules to fruit salad, imagine what a larger
trumpet made of brass can do to thousands of people?
[chuckles nastily]
GOON #2: You mean you're going to try to build a big
brass horn? I know I have that brochure here
someplace....[returns to his pockets]
LOBE: Will you forget that stupid brochure and listen
to me? I don't need to build it--it's been built!
It's the one atop police headquarters
they use to summon that insipid pretty-boy Huntsman!
Why, I could kick myself for not seeing its potential
before! Properly amplified with this [he
holds device aloft] attached to the mouthpiece, a
single man could generate
a sound capable of reducing an entire city to gravel!
[mad laughter echoing; the GOONS look at each other
worriedly]
[Spin cut with a whirling FREAKAZOID head back to the
interior of RODDY's place. FREAKAZOID and FREAKAZETTE
are pacing the floor; RODDY is in his
chair. The two FREAKS bump into each other and each
fall on their bottoms, looking dazed.]
RODDY: Ach! This is getting us nowhere! And worse,
it's making me miss "The Drew Carey Show"! Crud! I
love that Mr. Wick character! He makes me laugh!*
(*Mr. Wick is played by the same actor who voiced
Roddy, Craig Ferguson. Hence the joke.
--AUTHOR'S NOTE)
FREAKAZOID: Okay. The Lobe has stolen violin
strings...guitar strings...wooden reeds from
instruments...and now some weird metal from a sound
research lab. What's all that got in common? [knocks
on head and grunts, then screams, startling
FREAKAZETTE and RODDY.] I have the
answer! Lobe stole musical instruments because he
wants to start his own band! Goody for him! [A thought
cloud appears over FREAKAZOID's head. In it
is a stage with several villains dressed as The
Village People--CAVE GUY (the Indian), THE SKULLFACED
COWBOY from "Relax-O-Vision" (the cowboy), WAYLON
JEEPERS (the G.I.), GUITIERREZ (the policeman),
INVISIBO (the biker),and LOBE (the construction
worker--dancing. The background music is a parody of
"Y.M.C.A.".]
FREAKAZETTE [reaching up, seizing the balloon,
tearing it up, and throwing it into a wastebasket]:
Nah. I think I have an idea--but I can't put
my finger on it--I need to get my brain going. [opens
top of skull, removes brain, and bounces it from hand
to hand and on her knees like a basketball,
as "Sweet Georgia Brown" plays.]
FREAKAZOID [nauseated]: Roddy--ulp--do I do stuff like that?
RODDY: Aye. Always off on one of your cruddy skits.
FREAKAZOID [gulps]: Remind me to quit...'kay?
FREAKAZETTE: Eureka!
FREAKAZOID: And...[sniffs her]...you smell nice. What
is that perfume?
FREAKAZETTE: Wintergreen Lifesavers. [opens cranium
and reinserts brain] I realized the conection! The
srings--the reeds--the acoustium--all vibrate! Lobe is
planning a crime based on things that vibrate in order
to generate and amplify sound!
RODDY: Of course! Laddie, dinnae ye tell me that
squishy-headed son-of-a-blatherscyte tried to turn ye
into haggis with a wee wooden trumpet?
FREAKAZOID: Well--kind of, yeah. What's haggis?
RODDY: Nivver mind that now! With all that cruddy gear
he's got, all he needs is something to focus the sound
wave! The query is, where'll he get another big horn
like that?
FREAKAZOID and FREAKAZETTE [in alarm, face to face]:
The Horn of Urgency on the roof of police
headquarters!
RODDY: Aye! That's it! Good work, ye whelps! [stands
triumphantly atop his chair] Go to it!
[FREAKAZOID and FREAKAZETTE zip off, twin lightning
bolts, to the rescue. He smashes through the wall at
the left side of the door and she the right.]
RODDY: And use the cruddy door, for crud's sakes!
I--whoa! [loses balance and thuds to the floor. An
audible crack is heard.] Aye, good crud. I think I
broke my cruddy hip. [sighs] Crud.
[Spin cut with flying FREAKAZOID head to the police
station. Pan in to the roof, where LOBE is attatching
his device to the mouth of the Horn of Urgency. His
GOONS stand in the background.]
LOBE: Soon the only sound you will hear, to quote
Simon and Garfunkel, is the sound of silence! [He
slips his hand under his lab coat and raises his arm,
prepared to deliver a deadly armpit blast. Suddenly a
splintery crunch is heard, and LOBE wails in pain. He
looks to his left, and sees FREAKAZOID and FREAKAZETTE
there. FREAKAZOID IS cluthing his wrist firmly.]
LOBE: Well, if it isn't the Blunder Twins!
FREAKAZOID: It's over, Lobe.
LOBE: So glad to hear you've been boning up on old
hero cliches, my blue friend. I'll see yours and raise
you a [raises voice] "Get them!"
[The two goons lumber into action and surround
FREAKAZOID and FREAKAZETTE.]
FREAKAZOID: You wanted to be a hero, doll. Here's your
chance.
FREAKAZETTE: What do you recommend?
FREAKAZOID: Hmmm...how's about a little trick I picked
up off www.threestooges.net? [steps in front of GOON
#1 and administers a savage barrage of eye pokes, face
slaps, head bops, belly thumps, ear twists, and nose
tweaks thatleaves the GOON befuddled. "Three Stooges"
music plays in the background. LOBE is lowering his
head and shaking in in shame, quite unimpressed.]
FREAKAZETTE: Oh, no! Get with it, Freak! You're too
old-school! This calls for a long, pointless and
drawn-out gag reminiscent of your first season! [lifts
her leg, crouches, and zips off in lightning bolt
form. The background music is the FREAKAZOID theme,
feminine register. She flies down the side of the
building and down the street, where she stops at the
rubble of the frathouse from part one, act two. She
sees immediately what she needs: a rubber pig nose and
a crystal punchbowl. She siezes them and zips off in
another direction, straight into a convenience store.
She buys a can of fruit punch mix and some bottled
water from a clerk who looks like the Pakistani
counter guy from the TTA eps "Gang Busters" and the
one where Plucky and Hamton swipe a candy bar. She
then zips back to police HQ. On the way she mixes the
punch. Cut to the GOON, looking about stupidly. A
finger taps him on the back. He looks. FREAKAZETTE
kisses him on the nose, snaps the rubber snout on him,
dumps the punch over his head, then smashes the
crystal bowl over his skull. He flops down
unconscious.]
FREAKAZETTE: See? That's how it's done!
FREAKAZOID [deep dramatic voice]: You humble me, fair
lady! [FREAKAZETTE strikes a pose and flutters her
eyelashes.]
LOBE: Oh, stop. That was stupider and more
inexplicable than the piece of The Great Wall of China
gag in "Hot Rods from Heck". Though your legions of
fans tout your first season as your best, Freakazoid,
I much prefered season two, which found you in longer,
more structured storylines and fewer undiciplined,
pointless bits. Also, for the record, my favorite
Stooge is Shemp. He was one of the original four
Stooges under mentor Ted Healy four years before
Jerome "Curly" Howard...and his body of non-Stooge
work is unsurpassed.
NARRATOR voice-over: Personally, I'm a Curly fan.
Remember the near-sighted Maha Rajah in "Three Little
Pirates"? [snickers] Or the hat/book/walking stick bit
from "Disorder in the Court"? [snickers more] Or...or
the time he took a pie in the kisser in--
FREAKAZOID: Joe, what are you doing? You're
interrupting story flow. Shut up.
FREAKAZETTE: Yeah. [jerks thumb] Blow, Joe.
JOE: Ohhhh.... [sound of footsteps and door slamming]
LOBE: And now that that foolishness has passed, I
shall proceed to--what the blue devil?
[LOBE POV shot of Horn of Urgency. His device is
gone.]
FREAKAZETE's voice: Yoo-hoo! Tuchus-head!
[POV shot as LOBE's head turns to see FREAKAZTEE
holding his device. LOBE screams in fury and lunges,
and FREAKAZETTE coolly tosses it over his head. It
sails over the edge of the roof. LOBE makes a leap for
it, catches it, smiles in relief...but notices he's
hanging in midair ten feet from the ledge.]
LOBE [woeful look]: Perhaps I should have thought out
this strategem better first.
[LOBE plummets screaming to the street below and lands
safely in the top of a tree that cushions his fall.]
FREAKAZOID: Nutbunnies! He got the gizmo! Now he'll
just wait a while, sneak back up here after we've
left, and destroy the city! I reiterate: Nutbunnies!
[leans agains the Horn of Urgency, it creaks loudly]
FREAKAZETTE: Uh...Freak...you're...that is, you
shouldn't....
FREAKAZOID: Why didn't you hand it to me? I could have
broken it myself! No-ooo-oo-o! You throw it over the
roof! [the Horn creaks louder]
FREAKAZETTE: Freak, I'm trying to tell you...don't--!
FREAKAZOID: I know you mean well, but you need to
learn proper procedure. Otherwise you f--
FREAKAZETTE: Freak! [the Horn, taxed by FREAKAZOID's
weight, creaks, groans, cracks, totters, and falls off
the edge. The FREAKS watch it plummet.]
FREAKAZOID: Oopsie.
[Pan down to the street. LOBE slides out of the tree
and steps onto the pavement. He kisses his device.
Then he notices a shadow fall over him, looks up, and
sees the Horn come towards him.]
LOBE [to the camera]: Frederich Nietzche said once,
"That which does not kill me, makes me stronger."
[looks up, then back to camera] Neitzche was a bloody
a--
[The horn falls on top of him, crushing both LOBE And
the sound device to bits.]
Pan to a street corner. The GOONS are escaping. AS
they run around the corner, they collide with a large
man dressed in green--THE HUNTSMAN. The GOONS gasp.]
HUNTSMAN: Oh...excuse me, gentlemen. I wasn't looking
where I was going. Let me help you. [picks them up by
the collars of their jackets. SGT. KING turns the
corner just then and sees HUNTSMAN with the GOONS.]
KING: Excellent work, Huntsman. These are The Lobe's
henchman. You'll get a commendation from the mayor for
this.
HUNTSMAN [broad smile]: Hot diggety dang!
[Spin cut with flying FREAKAZOID head to a wide-open
space somewhere in the city. FREAKAZOID and
FREAKAZETTE are walking along watching the sunset.]
FREAKAZETTE: Well...I guess I should leave now. It'll
be dark in an hour.
FREAKAZOID: Wait. I-I have to know who you really are.
FREAKAZETTE [smiles and shakes head as the instrumental
lead-in to the background music starts up]: I can't
tell you that. No more than you can tell me who you
are. Just know that I'm someone who loves the city as
much as you, and loves to hide in its shadows when
I'm not needed. Adios. [turns to leave, takes a few
steps, the looks over her shoulder again.] Oh, what
the frig.
[Background music for this scene is Bob Dylan's "Under
the Red Sky." The action follows the lyrics as so:
"There was a little boy..." FREAKAZOID watching
FREAKAZETTE, in close up.
"...And there was a little girl..." FREAKAZETTE turns
head, smiles, and pivots; over head shot of her
running to FREAKAZOID.
"...And they lived in an alley/Under the red sky."
FREAKAZETTE throws her arms around FREAKAZOID and
kisses him on the mouth passionately. As the first
four lines repeat, the camera moves in a 360-degree
pan. At the end of the kiss the two are silhoutted by
the orange setting sun behind them.
The music fades, and FREAKAZETTE steps back.
FREAKAZOID gibbers, his mouth smokes, and he melts
into a puddle of goo. FREAKAZETTE giggles.]
FREAKAZETTE [as Mae West]: Why dont'cha come up and
Freak me sometime? [She leaves him, receding and
disappearing into the setting sun. Pan in for a
closeup of FREAKAZOID, still a puddle, as his eyes
surface, looking dreamy.]
FREAKAZOID [slurred speech]: She make me hot with
love.
[Spin cut with flying FREAKAZOID head to a prison
cell, interior. LOBE and his GOONS, dressed in prison
uniforms, are within. The GOONS are seated on the
bunks; LOBE, face bandaged and bruised, pces the
floor.]
GOON #1: Uh, boss, you make me nervous when you walk
around back and forth that way.
LOBE: I don't bloody care! Now shut up while I plan
for tomorrow evening!
GOON #2: D-uh, what are we doing tomorrow evening?
LOBE: The same thing we do every evening, my dear
peabrain... [closeup of LOBE's face in shadows]...try
to conquer and decimate Washington, D.C.!
[The "Pinky and the Brain" theme, instrumental plays
as the camera pans backwards at high speed from the
cell to down the hall to the prison yard to the front
gates, which slam with a metallic clang.]
[Spin cut with flying FREAKAZOID head to a television
mounted on a wall, in which we see the MAYOR of New
York pinning a medal on a grinning HUNTSMAN, who gives
a thumbs-up to a cheering crowd at the foor of the
steps of City Hall. Pan down to a crowded hallway full
of students. SFX: mooing cows.]
NARRATOR: Another morning at Harry Connick Jr.
High...home to our hero's civilian self, Dexter
Douglas. [DEXTER, stooped under the weight of a
backpack, shuffles into the shot from stage right. POV
shot of MARY McCLAUS, struggling under the weight of
books, and dropping them, She uttered a furious grunt
and stoops to pick them up.]
DEXTER: Uh, miss? You look like you could use a hand
there.
MARY: Your first clue being, Captain Obvious?
[DEXTER stoops to help MARY, and for the first time
sees her in close-up. POV shot, soft filter, of MARY's
face--a common device in anime--as the FREAKAZOID
theme, slow tempo, feminine register, plays.]
MARY [nervous, her glases slipping down her nose]:
Um--m-my books--thanks--big help--gotta g-go. [gathers
her books and turns so DEXTER can't see her cheeks
flush.]
[Cut back to DEXTER, looking lost in thought.]
DEXTER: Call me an equine posterior, but I could have
sworn--
[Fast cut to MARY.]
--that there was something real familiar about--
[Fast cut to show both DEXTER and MARY, a short
distance apart, thinking the same thing
simultaneously.]
DEXTER: --that girl.
MARY: --that guy.
[Overhead shot of hallway, with only MARY and DEXTER
in it; the crowd having thinned to nothing. A pause.]
BOTH: Na-aaa-aa-ah.
[They pass each other. DEXTER exeunts stage left; MARY
stage right. "Under the Red Sky" plays as the scene
fades to black.]

[Commercial.]

ACT THREE
[Text on screen: "A musical interlude."]
ANNOUNCER: And now, a musical interlude.
[FREAKAZOID, seated at a piano, plays a horribly
off-key version of that WB favorite "Those Endearing Young Charms".]
ANNNOUNCER: This concludes our musical interlude. We
now return to our program.

["Lord Bravery" theme]
TITLE CARD : "Surely You're Choking!"
[Pan in on a fancy restaurant somewhere in London.
LORD BRAVERY is seated at a table eating a bowl of
soup, and smacking his lips satisfiedly.]
LB: This cream of broccoli soup is excellent! And I
must compliment the chef about his corned beef
sandwich. The fatty bit is trimmed off to perfection
without damaging the flavor of the meat! Simply
wonderful!
[The door opens and a large man, who somewhat
resembles Mr. Creosote in "Monty Python and the
Menaing of Life." He is seated and given a menu. LORD
BRAVERY eyes him with distaste.]
FAT MAN [in deep cockney accent]: I'll have some of
everything with a side order of everything else. And a
couple cases of champagne to bloody wash it down.
[LORD BRAVERY continues eyeing him. The food, and a
lot of it,is brought and the FAT MAN falls to eating.
"Mama's Little Baby Likes Shohrtening Bread" plays as
he eats.]
LORD BRAVERY [under his breath]: Some people shouldn't
be let outdoors without a trainer and a feedbag.
[The FAT MAN is holding a roast turkey in each hand
and chewing with gusto when suddenly he drops it and
clutches his throat, gagging. He is choking. LORD
BRAVERY drops his spoon into his soup and assumes a
heroic stance.]
LB: Good Queen Victoria! Don't worry, citizen! Lord
Bravery is here! [leaps behind the FAT MAN and
administers the Heimlich maneuver. A small object
flies out of the FAT MAN's mouth and lands in the tea
of a matronly older woman, who is outraged. An audible
crack is heard from the FAT MAN.]
FAT MAN: Owww! You broke my rib, you bloody twit! You
savagely attacked me and now I have a cracked rib!
LB: My dear sir, I did no such thing! I saved your life!
You were asphyxiating, and--
FAT MAN [touches chest, cries out in pain]: It is
broke! You cape-wearing fop! I'll see you in court!
LB [laughs]: You're suing me? For saving your bum?
That's rich! You wouldn't dare!
[Cut to a courthouse, exterior. A gavel bangs. Pan to
interior, where LORD BRAVERY is seated at a table next
to a BARRISTER.]
JUDGE: Call your first witness.
[A series of cuts show the witnesses against LORD
BRAVERY.]
WIMPY LITTLE MAN: He once tried to fish me out of a
sewer, and the bloody twit fell in himself. I ask
myself, what superhero can't pull a man out of a hole
in the ground?
OFFICE BUREAUCRAT FROM "OFFICE VISIT": He went all
bonkers when I told him he had to change his name to
"Smoked Meats and Fishes" because his name was taken
by some other business. He threatened to strike me.
I'm just the messenger. I don't make the laws, you
know.
CARICATURE OF JOHN INMAN OF "ARE YOU BEING SERVED": So
I told him, after he complained about the cape he
bought at Grace Bros. being too long, "Don't worry,
sir, it'll ride up with wear." And he swore at me for
fifteen solid minutes! [outraged gasp] The cheek of
it!
CARICATURE OF AUSTIN POWERS: Oh, he's really
high-strung, baby. We worked together back in '63, and
he would never even dream of wearing bell-bottom
leisure suit. Check him over. I think he's a bloody
robot. [chuckles]
MRS. BRAVERY: Nigel's a sweet man...but I'm always
after him to get a real job, like a banker or working
in a shop. But he wants to be a superhero. Even though
he's bloody lousy at it, and it doesn't even pay
tuppence.
MOTHER-IN-LAW [gruff voice]: He won't bring me my tea!
[THE gavel bangs and the judge's finger points to LORD
BRAVERY from off-screen.]
JUDGE: Nigel Bravery, you are ordered to pay the
plaintiff ten million pounds for medical expenses and
psychological pain and suffering.
LB: Ten million pounds! It's a bloody bruise on the
chest, you powdered-wig-wearing monkey!
JUDGE [bangs gavel]: Fifteen million pounds. Next!
[Cut to exterior. LORD BRAVERY, dejected, slumps on
the steps, muttering under his breath. He then hears a
woman's voice crying out.]
WOMAN: Cuthbert! You come back here this instant!
Cuthbert!
[POV shot of city street. A SMALL BOY is in the street
with speeding cars all around him, looking scared. A
distraught mother is on the sidewalk, fretting.]
LB: Don't panic, Madame, I will save your son from
those speeding lorries! [LORD BRAVERY leaps into
action, dashes into traffic, seizes THE BOY's
shoulders, dodges several automobiles, and arrives on
the sidewalk, where he presents the BOY to his mother.]
LB: And what do you say when someone does you a favor,
son?
[The boy moves his arms and an audible crack is heard.]
BOY: Ow! that mean man with the chamber pot on his
head dislocated my shoulders, Mommy!
LB [tersely]: It's a helmet.
MOTHER: You brute! [beats LORD BRAVERY with her
handbag] You monster! Attacking a child! You should be
ashamed!
LB: But--OW!--I saved--OW!--his bloody li--OW! Will
you stop hitting me, you ignorant bi--OW!
MOTHER: I will see you in court!
LB, to camera: Sometimes it just doesn't pay to leave your flat.
[Iris out.]

[Fade in on a darkened set, with FREAKAZOID standing
in silhouette.The lights come on. Text on screen:
"Psychic Phun-nomenon with FREAKAZOID!" Background
music: that creepy sci-fi music from
"Histeria!"'s Tesla sketch.]
FREAKAZOID: Hello. There was once a man named Uri
Geller who claimed he could bend metal objects like
keys and spoons with only the power of his mind. That
is called "psychokinesis". [word appears at bottom
of screen; FREAKAZOID points to it. He then produces a
spoon from behind his back. In "Nostradamus" voice:] I
will now use my fabulous powers of
mentalation to bend this spoon. It takes absolute
concentration to do a stunt like this here. Shut up!
[stares at spoon, makes "ohm" noises]
Hey, lookee at that over there! [points with his left
hand] It's--uh--Ted Kennedy kissing a French poodle on
the mouth! [The right hand, holding
the spoon, goes behind FREAKAZOID's back. He grunts,
and a loud flatulent sound is heard. He produces the
spoon again, now bent, melted, smoking, and
green.] The spoon, she is bent! I've done it again!
[looks at the spoon; says in normal, somewhat
apologetic voice] I need to cut down on the
microwave burritos. [grins]

[roll end credits]

FIND EMMITT NERVEND
___________________

HE OWES ME FIVE BUCKS

End tag
[FANBOY, MO-RON, and THE HUNTSMAN are standing
together when FREAKAZETTE shashays by, with
bump-and-grind stripper music in the background. The
MEN gibber, drool, and instantly melt into puddles
of goo.]

Amblin logo and END.

[Captain Caps]

Just like a real episode, and good use of Bob Dylan, also!

Sincerely,

John "Captain Caps" Kilduff

[Lonestarr]

Excellent work, Doc! I'm not too big on fanfics, but I loved this.

[DR. BELCH]

This represents a great departure for me, actually. Until now in my FanFics I've only adapted existing characters...but Mary McClaus is the first character I ever created from scratch, much less for a starring role.
Freak's a tough character to write for, which may explain why there aren't a lot of FanFics with him (outside of ensemble pieces). His manic, non sequitur style of humor and pop culture-inspired lunacy can be very difficult to capture. I don't know what, if anything, Rugg envisioned for Freakazette, but I think I did her justice.

[DanniB]

i loved this the first time I read it and it only gets better!

[Dante Bunny]

Glad to have you back DanniB! While you'll gone, I had did some practice animation, and I learned how to color on the CPU. Anyway, are you still doing Histeria! fanfictions? I probably going to doing drawings of the Omenex. It's been a while since we met. Anyway, I glad you're back.

[DanniB]

although i haven't written any histeria fics since PHatB I'm very happy about all the praise it's gotten. I'm actualy surprised it's gained this much popularity. I once drew some pictures of the omenx, If I had them here at college I would have scanned them for you. maybe I'll be able to do that when I get home for the thanksgiving break.

In the mean time I am still writing. I have three Invader Zim fanfics up at fanfiction.net. And now that I'm back since it's that time of year I should repost my Histeria Halloween episode soon. Has it been that long? man. If only KWB had better shows running still maybe I would have stuck around longer. But I don't think you'll ever see me writing any Yugioh stories in this life-time.

How i miss the good old days, but glad to be back nontheless.

[Dante Bunny]

I have almost finished with my Histeria Fan Page, and I made more Histeria Villians besides the Omenex and Gene Burrows. Since I have internet access at home, I could do drawings from Histeria, Animaniacs, Dragonball Z, Chrono Trigger, Samurai Jack, and Dexter's Lab. Right now I'm suffering from Ansomia, but I'll be a sleep at 12-4 today to work on my webpage. About what you said "I don't think you'll ever see me writing any Yugioh stories in this life-time." Beleive me, nobody does. lol


Anyway keep your eyes peeled for my Histeria Drawings at the new TZ Drawing Board.



Mike

[sag_2002]

*Applauds* Nice story dude. I LOVED Freakazoid as a young'm. This brought back some memories. Keep it up.