[Scene: exterior, next morning. Open on small wooden
shack up in the mountains with a dirt path leading to
it. A mailbox by the path reads, "R. MACSTEW". Cut to
interior, where RODDY MACSTEW is seated in a shabby
armchair watching television. He cracks open a bottle
RODDY. Ah. Breakfast.
[POV shot of television showing the Kwaffa Lotta Bru
house, with a newswoman standing in front of it.
Behind her, police and fireman survey the wreckage. ]
NEWSWOMAN: And according to eyewitness reports, this
frat house was broken into and demolished by what is
alledged to be...[she consults a notepad]...a
RODDY [does a spit take, shrieks]: Sweet mother of
[Cut back to NEWSSWOMAN. Pan backwards to a shot of
THE HUNSTMAN, watching the broadcast through a row of
TVs in a shop window.]
HUNTSMAN: A blue-skinned freakazoid trashed the Kwaffa
Lotta Bru house, eh? And I wasn't called in! Darn the
luck! Darn! Darn! [kicks a can on the sidewalk]
[Cut back to NEWSWOMAN. Pan backwards to a TV in
MARY's bedroom, as she lies in bed listening to the
broadcast, buried under the covers, a pillow over her
head, moaning. When she hears the words "blue-skinned
freakazoid", she sits bolt upright, horrified, as she
recalls the events of the previous night. Zoom in on
her eye. We see an image of FREAKAZETTE inside her
eyeball, waving at the camera, winking.]
[Cut to exterior shot of bedroom window.]
MARY [thunderous voice]: Oh, frig it!
[Cut back to NEWSWOMAN. Pan backwards to a TV in
LOBE's laboratory, interior. LOBE's hands are working
furiously on some device; he pauses momentarily to
observe the broadcast.]
LOBE: That's that strange little girl who nearly
spoiled my fun last night at the Shreeve Laboratories.
Thanks to her I almost didn't acquire the acoustium
wire I need to complete my sound wave amplifier.
[laughs] Fortunately, she's as big a nimrod as her
male doppelganger. [tweaks something in his device
with a screwdriver and closes the case] There.
Complete. [POV shot of lab table, cluttered with junk]
Guitar strings. Musical reeds. Rubber bands. Bah!
Useless! Nothing felt right--until I stumbled across
this very special alloy. Its unique properties will
insure that Washington D.C. dies tonight...not with a
whimper, but with a bang! [hearty laugh]
[Iris out. Text on screen: "To be continued", followed
by, "Don't you hate seeing this at the end of a
program? Goshdarnit, I know I do."
[Roll end credits]
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING
CHILDREN SHOULD NEVER WATCH A FREAKAZOID EPISODE
WHILE OPERATING HEAVY MACHINERY
[End tag: RODDY MACSTEW spitting and hollering "Sweet
mother of crud!"]
[Amblin logo and end.]
"That's Why the Lady is a Freak!", part II
ANNOUNCER: Previously on Freakazoid...
[Clips from F!#25, including MARY being sucked into
the computer and her transformation (with dialogue
from RODDY borrowed from "The Chip" concerning the
Pinacle chip flaw), her behavior at the frat house,
FREAKAZOID discussing the case with COSGROVE and the
SHOP OWNER, FREAKAZOID meets FREAKAZETTE, shots of THE
LOBE, the explosion, and some live-action
black-and-white stock footage of chimpanzees spliced
into the mix.]
[Screen dissolves into static, then to an image of a
red suspender-clad MAN behind one end of a desk.
FREAKAZETTE is seated at the other end, smilling and
blinking coquettishly. Text on screen reads, "Barry
DING: Hello and welcome to "Barry Ding Live". With me
is the new girl in town, Freakazette. How do you feel
about rising from obscurity to taking this whole
country by storm?
FREAKAZETTE [in Southern belle voice]: Why, Barry,
thank you for those nice words. I have always depended
on the kindness of strangers.
DING: And honey, you're strange as they come. [presses
button on phone] Saganaw, Michigan, you're on the air.
WIMPY MR. SMARTY-PANTS-ISH VOICE: Uh, Freakazette, I'm
your biggest fan, and, uh, I was kind of wondering if
you could, um, send me an autographed picture of
FREAKAZETTE [giggles]: Why, darling, I'd be glad to.
You sound like a cutie.
[The caller goes into a spasm of ecstatic moans and
sighs. DING presses a button and disconnects him.]
DING: Kissabutte, New Jersey. You're on the air.
ANDREW DICE CLAY-LIKE VOICE: Hey, Freaka-babe. I got a
poem I wrote for ya. Little girl blue, come blow--
DING [disconnects him hastily]: One more. California,
you're on with Barry Ding.
KATO KAELIN's voice: Um, yeah, Barry. Um--I heard two
loud thumps, and then the dog barked, and I--
DING: Goshdarnit, Kato, I told'jah, it's old news!
It's over! Quit calling here before I come over to
your house and whallop you with asack of nickels!
[connection breaks, dial tone] We'll be back with
Freakazette on "Barry Ding" after these--
[Static on screen. Dissolve to HOWARD STERN's studio,
interior. STERN is behind the console, FREAKAZETTE is
seated in a chair nearby, and ROBIN QUIVERS is behind
her glass pane.]
STERN: So you used to be a nerd, huh? Something must
have happened to you to really mess you up. Did your
parents spank you when you were little?
FREAKAZETTE: Well, I did get sucked through the
computer and was given super powers, Howie, like I said.
Other than that, no, nothing really out of the
STERN: Ah, that's what they all say. You want to take
your clothes off now?
ROBIN [laughing]: Howie, you're incorrigible!
FREAKAZETTE: I beg your pardon?
STERN: C'mon. That's what I'm here to see, baby. Take
it all off.
FREAKAZETTE: Well, if that's what you really want.
[stands up, turns so her profile is visible. Cut to
STERN, making lustful noises and hanging his tongue
out. FREAKAZETTE reaches for the zipper on the front
of her suit, gives it a slow, teasing pull--then, with
a fast, fluid motion, unzips her entire skin and lets
it fall in a heap at her feet, revealing a naked
skeleton underneath. STERN screams, eyes bugging out,
and dives under his console. ROBIN laughs
SKELETON FREAKAZETTE [sweetly]: I did it for you, Howie.
STERN, whimpering: Ba-ba Booey, please bring me
another pair of pants!
[Screen dissolves to static, then to FREAKAZETTE and a
GIRL walking along the beach. The GIRL is dressed as a
mini-Freak, with blue skin
makeup and pointy-haired blonde wig.]
GIRL: Mommy, do you ever feel...not so Freak?
[Static. Cut to RODDY's shack, interior, FREAKAZOID is
pacing the floor, RODDY is in his armchair, frowning
at the images on his TV.]
RODDY: Ye were right to come t' me about this,
laddie. From what ye tell me and from the crud I just
saw, this girl has power she may not know how to use yet. I want ye to find her. Canvasse the town. It may take weeks...months...a long time. But I know you're dedicated enough for such an exhaustive--
FREAKAZETTE's voice, off camera: Got a minute, boys?
[Zip pan to FREAKAZETE, leaning in the open doorway,
FREAKAZETTE: Like what you see?
[Pan back to RODDY and FREAKAZOID.]
RODDY: Aye, and she's come to us! There's a word for
that, ye know! Godsend? Miracle? Blessing?
RODDY: Aye, that too.
FREAKAZETTE: If you're done giving your gums air, I've
come to see Mr. McStew. I know you're the foremost
authority on the Pinnacle chip and its flaw, and I've
come to ask you to--whoa! [covers her
eyes] Better start wearing boxers, Scotty. [points to
RODDY's kilted, open legs] I'm not that kind of girl.
RODDY: It's only what the good Lord give me, lassie!
[closes legs obligingly]
FREAKAZETTE: I want you to--[inhales deeply]--take it
RODDY: Take what out, lassie?
FREAKAZETTE [opens her arms]: This. The Freak. Get
it out of my body. I don't want it. It makes me
feel--creepy. [a spotlight falls on her, and the
camera slowly pulls in. A violin plays.] All my life
I thought what it would be like to be
I wanted to do great things and be loved. Then by some
fluke, I got my wish. And what did I do? I went out
and attacked those who hurt my feelings.
I hurt them. I didn't use my gifts wisely. I'm just a
monster. I tried to find acceptance by taking my
message to the masses by doing all those
TV appearances--but what good is having the people
love you if you hate yourself? My beauty is all an
illusion. Fame and fortune is as hollow
as a-a-a big hollow thing. Without it I'm just that
girl in the back of the class, the one you never even
FREAKAZOID [enters the spot, also solemn, speaking in
a serious Jerry Lewis voice]: I am also the outcast.
The nerd. The guy no girl cares about. The Freak is my
inner voice--wild, crazy, unpredicatable. But he is
also an illusion. When he leaves, it is I who goes home
[Pan to RODDY. He stands next to EMMITT NERVEND, who
is dressed as a gypsy with a kerchief on his head and
an earring and is playing the violin. RODDY snatches
the instrument and bow and yells.]
RODDY: Oh, do shut up! Ye sound like on of them cruddy
movies they play on the Lifetime Channel! [to EMMITT,
tossing him a coin] Here! Take it and buy yerself a
tambourine, ye cruddy blatherscyte!
[EMMITT bites the coin, smiles, and exeunts.]
RODDY [to FREAKAZETTE]: I cannae remove the Freak,
lassie. It's an integral part of ye. But you cannae
run around beating the crud out
of people and blowing up things. I'll train ye like I
did Freakazoid here. Ye will be my pupil, and I will
be your mentor. [Yells] And
ye'll cruddy well do everything I say or else I'll
whip the living crud out of ye! [Softly] Agreed,
FREAKAZETTE: Yes. [shakes his hand]