Your vivid memories of bad TV

[Peter Paltridge]

Carl Winslow needs to get in shape, so the police chief agrees to let him use his new, spiffy, voice-activated treadmill at the precinct's workout room. The treadmill won't let strangers use it for some dumb reason, so Carl has to yell a password before the treadmill will start. The chief tells him the password and then goes off somewhere else. Carl climbs onto the treadmill and says the password, "STALLION."

Suddenly, a sinister recorded voice cackles, "Stallion, you old fool! I'll never forget how you ended my perfect life of crime! As an act of revenge, I have rigged this treadmill with a powerful bomb! The moment you stop running, the bomb will EXPLODE!! Ha ha ha!"

Another policeman comes in and Carl, running frantically, gasps out his situation. To make matters worse the treadmill is steadily increasing in speed. The other guy tries to give Carl a break by stepping on the treadmill himself, but gets a cramp from not properly stretching first, and Carl barely gets back on and stops it from blowing up.

So the other cop takes the cover off the treadmill's engine and finds the bomb. He must cut one wire--the red one, the blue one, or the yellow one. He and Carl go through this idiotic superstitious rationale to decide; something involving Carl repeatedly saying "Red, we're dead, blue, we're goo, yellow, we're Jell-O."

The guy cuts a wire, Carl jumps off the treadmill, and instead of running they crouch onto the floor waiting for the big boom. It doesn't happen because he cut the right wire, and the studio audience cheers.

That's right, Speed was ripping off Family Matters.

[DarthGonzo]

Wait that really happened on Family Matters? Considering how ridiculous that show got I wouldn't be surprised. I wonder where Steve Urkel was in that episode. Probably doing something retarded to the delight of the brain-dead studio audience.

[Peter Paltridge]

Wait that really happened on Family Matters? Considering how ridiculous that show got I wouldn't be surprised. I wonder where Steve Urkel was in that episode. Probably doing something retarded to the delight of the brain-dead studio audience.

It not only happened, but in an early episode, when the show was still fairly grounded in reality and Urkel wasn't constantly onscreen. I think that was from either 1990 or 1991.

[An Eskimo]

I don't really remember bad TV. I do know that when I was a kid, I hated the news and thought it was really boring.

[Peter Paltridge]

So Joey Gladstone and Uncle Jesse are hosting a radio talk show for one episode only. The radio show is for teenagers (um, yeah, talk radio was all the rage with teens in the 1990's).

Their first day on the job, they still can't decide what to call the show. How was this show broadcasting if it didn't even have a name yet? Nevertheless, Joey thinks he has the perfect name: "Teen Talk." He even came up with a song to go with it, which he sings at every opportunity.

Jesse, however, insists that the show's name should be (hoo-boy) "Yakking with Youth." They spend nearly half their airtime arguing about this instead of answering phones.

"TEEEEEN TAAAAAALK!"
"On a show called Yakking with Youth!"
"Which is called.....TEEEEEN TAAAAAALK!"
"Yakking with Youth!"
"TEEEEEN TAAAAAALK!"

And then I think they have to talk a caller out of suicide, which was a staple plot of every single sitcom in those days.

[Darklordavaitor]

You know, I remember worse from Full House. Can't speak of any at the moment, but I've seen worse.

[sergeant_w]

Why Jesse never killed Joey is beyond me.

You know, I remember worse from Full House. Can't speak of any at the moment, but I've seen worse.

The little kid talking about how he has to think about Home Alone and Roger Rabbit to escape from reality when his father beats him still haunts me to this very day.

[Peter Paltridge]

The little kid talking about how he has to think about Home Alone and Roger Rabbit to escape from reality when his father beats him still haunts me to this very day.

I'll tell you what still haunts ME...

There was a Lois and Clark where H.G. Wells showed up in his time machine to show the titular characters their past lives. Oddly, all of Clark's were on Earth except for the one he was living now. Wells explained that throughout all time-space in the universe, there is only one constant: "wherever he goes, there is she."

So let me get this straight. An entire planet exploded and billions of beings cried out in pain before being extinguished forever....just so Clark could be with Lois. Wow, that's....romantic, you guys.

[Zorak Masaki]

How about the fact that ALL OF THE MAJOR TGIF shows were in the same universe!
Full House did a crossover with family matters, as did step by step
Michelle showed up on hangin with mr. cooper, AND jason seaver made a cameo in the first episode!
An ep of family matters mentioned urkel writing to his friend cory (matthews) in Philadelphia
boy meets world, sabrina, you wish, and teen angel did a 1 night crossover
and of course, harriet winslow was the elevator operator on perfect strangers
the fact that i know all that is incredibly sad.

[takineko]

How about the fact that ALL OF THE MAJOR TGIF shows were in the same universe!
Full House did a crossover with family matters, as did step by step
Michelle showed up on hangin with mr. cooper, AND jason seaver made a cameo in the first episode!
An ep of family matters mentioned urkel writing to his friend cory (matthews) in Philadelphia
boy meets world, sabrina, you wish, and teen angel did a 1 night crossover
and of course, harriet winslow was the elevator operator on perfect strangers
the fact that i know all that is incredibly sad.

Wow you know your stuff. But the same can be said about all the Spielberg/Ruegger animations >>

[sergeant_w]

Laura borrowed weight-loss pills from her friend and kept them in her bag. Meanwhile, Urkle was helping Carl redo the garage, however his allergies kept getting in the way. So he asked Laura if she had any vitamin C and she told him to look in her bag.
He accidentally takes four weight loss pills and for about 10 minutes we are treated to seeing Urkle high on speed.
Laura walks in and notices Steve acting "weirder than usual." She then admits to taking pills. I really don't remember much in the way of a moral or lesson at the end. If anything this episode showed just how awesome drugs are.

[Dynamite XI]

The last season of Sliders. That season, Quinn was transformed into some kind of multi-dimensional composite played by another actor, Colin was sucked away into the deus ex machina void, Remmy (the comic relief) was made excessively emo, and they found the weirdest way to kill off Wade. Plus, the finale was probably the worst series finale ever written.

I can't believe I ever got into that show.

[DarthGonzo]

Laura borrowed weight-loss pills from her friend and kept them in her bag. Meanwhile, Urkle was helping Carl redo the garage, however his allergies kept getting in the way. So he asked Laura if she had any vitamin C and she told him to look in her bag.
He accidentally takes four weight loss pills and for about 10 minutes we are treated to seeing Urkle high on speed.
Laura walks in and notices Steve acting "weirder than usual." She then admits to taking pills. I really don't remember much in the way of a moral or lesson at the end. If anything this episode showed just how awesome drugs are.

God, I can't stand Family Matters.

Just thought I'd throw that out.

[Peter Paltridge]

Does anyone remember when family sitcoms had "vacation" episodes? During sweeps at least one series would run a special one-hour episode (or two-parter, whichever) where they would usually go to Disneyland, but occasionally Hawaii. (Life Goes On went to Hawaii. Step By Step went to both Hawaii AND Disneyland.)

Ever noticed how....pretty much nothing happened except the characters having a wonderful time? And if there was a plot, it was never anything life-threatening? And how they always managed to include long-range shots of all the hottest areas and spotlight the most popular rides? ...Yeah, I've always suspected these were actually commercials.

My theory is that the hosts paid for the tickets, production costs and etcetera....as long as the writers agreed to make the episode a 60-minute ad for their theme park and/or tourist destination. (Keep in mind Disney did not own ABC yet, so that wasn't part of it.)

I have trouble deciding which one was the most blatant, but the Family Matters one began with Carl hating Disneyland (for some reason) and then as soon as he stepped into the main courtyard he was overblown by the "Disney magic" and they did a crane shot of him smiling with his arms outstretched like he'd just been visiting with God, while the "Wish Upon A Star" theme played.

...Wow, that memory was the most painful one yet. >_<

[takineko]

Full House went to Hawaii..

[veemonjosh]

Full House went to Hawaii..

They also went to Disneyland.

[DarthGonzo]

I have trouble deciding which one was the most blatant, but the Family Matters one began with Carl hating Disneyland (for some reason) and then as soon as he stepped into the main courtyard he was overblown by the "Disney magic" and they did a crane shot of him smiling with his arms outstretched like he'd just been visiting with God, while the "Wish Upon A Star" theme played.

Ugh. Just ugh. Didn't Stephan Urquel (or whatever he was called) show up in this one too?

[Peter Paltridge]

Ugh. Just ugh. Didn't Stephan Urquel (or whatever he was called) show up in this one too?

Yes, Stefan was in it. While they were there Laura persuaded Urkel to become Stefan again (this was before Urkel was cloned and Stefan was made permanent, I wish I didn't know that). In a surprise development that went nowhere, Stefan proposed marriage to Laura at the end of Part 1. I forget how old Laura was at this point in the series, but probably like....17 or so.

[Darklordavaitor]

Wow, no wonder even as a kid, I couldn't stand Family Matters. Just reading about it is torture enough for me.

Loved Full House, though. I remember the 2-part Disney World ep, too. I remember in particualr Joey making an animated companion that literally came out of the canvas to bother him. I also remember Danny going to Disney World jail, or something like that, for getting in a fight with Mikey, I think? Maybe I just made that up, but I can eaisly remember Michelle freaking out about becoming the Disney World Princess, and alienating her sisters. At the end of part 2, she of course had the infamous "chat" about how to treat others, or something along those lines.

Ick. Just talking about the show reminds me how much of a mess it was. Boy Meets World still holds up, though. End of story on that camp.

[J. B. Warner]

I also remember Danny going to Disney World jail, or something like that, for getting in a fight with Mikey, I think? Maybe I just made that up...

Or you could be remembering a classic episode of "The Simpsons".

"How were you a political prisoner?"
"I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?"