A tale of stubborn grandparents

[Peter Paltridge]

Grandma is in her 80's and Grandpa is 92. But lately they haven't done anything to ensure their survival for another year. The problem is, my grandparents are super-stubborn, Depression-era conservatives who are absolutely set in their ways. They only let money out of their pockets when absolutely necessary, and medical emergencies are not necessary enough. Grandma experienced shortness of breath a couple years ago, and only relented to see the doctor after just about everyone screamed into her face that she should.

We had a heatwave in Portland a few weeks ago. My grandparents don't have air-conditioning; they don't even have a fan. So one of my relatives bought them a fan--then returned a few days later to find it hadn't been turned on. Why? Because electricity costs money, and they didn't want to "waste any."

My grandfather's condition has been deteriorating and his mindset is even more stubborn than Grandma's. He will not seek help for anything, ever. One recent morning he woke up and found his legs would no longer move. Anyone else would have contacted a doctor immediately, but he forbade Grandma from even thinking of it. Grandma called my mom and told us about this, but only because she needed to vent her worries, not because she wanted help. In that family, Grandpa gets what he wants, and he usually wants nothing.

We went back to their house last week. The visit was more unpleasant than usual, as there was a thick cloud of uneasiness in there, as well as the hanging feeling that we knew where this was inevitably heading. I'd never seen Grandpa like that before. He was still his usual stern, prideful, stubborn self, but there was an added tone to his voice--it sounded a little more scared. His grey hair was also a mess, and I doubt he wanted any of us to see him like this.

And he still didn't want to go to the doctor. Get this: the previous evening he had been sitting in their backyard (they have a big backyard) and when he tried to get up to go inside, he found his legs were unresponsive again. But instead of asking for help...he actually crawled all the way into the house. It took him about four hours, and he got inside at around midnight. Grandma tried to help him up, but he refused. He will NOT accept charity in any form.

Mom eventually convinced him to call the doctor, and we stayed there to make sure that's what he DID. The doctor could have taken him right away, but Grandpa insisted the appointment be made for the following day instead. Everyone told him waiting was a bad idea, but he didn't listen. Fortunately, the following day that's where he went, and after they examined him, that's where he stayed for the next few days. He'd suffered a series of strokes and he had a tumor in his pancreas. But we never found out if it was malignant or benign. You probably know where this is going by now.

At four in the morning today we got a call from my cousin, who had been staying with Grandpa that night. He had passed away.

What must sting the most for Mom is that she couldn't be there and she had the opportunity to. The last call we got from Grandpa was him complaining about how he wanted to go back home. They were taking him to a rehab center for recovery (it was a possibility then) and his attitude was "They wanna make me go to rehab, I said nooo, nooo, nooo." What he really needed then was someone by his side, but all his kids were busy. My uncle would not be in town until Thursday and Mom currently has an infected foot that prevents her from walking very far; she's been ordered to stay off it as much as possible for the next few days.

He had to settle for my cousin. Because of that foot Mom didn't get to be with her father in his final hours, and she must be very upset. I say must because it's a trait in this family that people hide their emotions from each other, and Mom's currently out of the house with Grandma. They're probably having a good cry together, but I'll never know for sure. I just have to hope she doesn't turn out the same stubborn way when she gets old.

[J. B. Warner]

God, that's awful. I don't know what to say, except that I offer my deepest condolences to you and your family.

[Dynamite XI]

As someone who lost a grandfather three years ago, I also offer my deepest condolences to you and your family.

[NintyScreen]

Wonder if there's a moral in this tale?

Oh, and rest in peace for the "stubborn" grandfather.

[Chris]

My mom's mom was stubborn, she refused to quit smoking, although she had been for over 50 years, but a couple of years ago, lung cancer finally got to her, and she couldn't move, so she was laying on a bed hooked up to a catheder, and then she didn't have to wait very long before she died. I wasn't there (I didn't know when she would go, and I don't think I would want to be there when she died anyway, too creepy and sad), but my mom was. And then, just a few weeks ago, my mom's dad had to put his cat to sleep, so he's all alone. Mom calls him every day and visits him on the weekends, though. I thought it would be a good idea to get him one of those "i've fallen and I can't get up" things, but he's also kind of stubborn and would probably be insulted if we did get him one. (He's 82.) Oh, well. Condolences from me.

[takineko]

Sorry you lost your grandpa, especially in such a frustrating way.


Why do I picture my husband this way in his old age? Well, he may be stubbern but he has a sense of humor and I could probably force him into a car and take him to the hospital if I wanted to. During tornado warnings he's usually still playing world of warcraft and getting annoyed at me for finding a safe place to sit...

[Peter Paltridge]

Well, things are better now. It helps that my entire extended family lives in the same city. We all gathered at Grandma's last night and had a special dinner; we're going to make sure Grandma isn't stuck alone for a long time.

As a kid I spent a lot of time during the summer at my grandparents' house (depending on when Mom was working) and everything was always the same, every day. Grandma served french toast for breakfast, I raided the scratch paper box and gathered materials for making a comic book, then I sat in the big recliner with the clipboard glued to a pillowlike thing and started drawing it. The Price Is Right came on, and after that was finished it was lunchtime, which was always a peanut butter sandwich served with a homemade blender milkshake.

Activities in the afternoon varied, but they were usually lazy summer things like digging in the backyard or carefully cutting out Calvin and Hobbes strips on the panel lines. And because these were the years when syndication didn't stink, the afternoons were full of kid shows--the Disney Afternoon, Tiny Toon Adventures, Square One and 3-2-1 Contact.

Dinner came shortly, usually something like tuna loaf and a small baked potato. After that I went back to the recliner and continued work on my comic while Grandpa watched the news, and then the Nightly Business Report. (I wonder where his stocks will go now.)

A few years ago I got the chance to stay a couple days at my grandparents' place again. And miracle of miracles, nothing had changed at all. There was the french toast, the blender milkshakes, the same old routines and the recliner. I really COULD go back!

...But I barely fit in that recliner anymore. And the french toast was awfully small. And the laid-back atmosphere, where almost nothing happened except the same things? It was unbearably boring now.

I learned a lesson from that last visit: change isn't so bad. My grandparents' place was fine for a while, but it would have gotten old. Most people would like to revisit childhood for at least a day, but the reality is they'd be let down. Rosy memories can cloud the reality of some things.

I'll never have another stay there again, but I'm okay with that. I got what I wanted back then, and have no use for it now.

[veemonjosh]

A few years ago I got the chance to stay a couple days at my grandparents' place again. And miracle of miracles, nothing had changed at all. There was the french toast, the blender milkshakes, the same old routines and the recliner. I really COULD go back!

...But I barely fit in that recliner anymore. And the french toast was awfully small. And the laid-back atmosphere, where almost nothing happened except the same things? It was unbearably boring now.

And no syndicated cartoons. D=

Anyways, having lost my grandfather about a year and a half ago, I feel sorry for you, but it's good to know he's no longer suffering.

[takineko]

speaking of stubbern old men...

My dad just found out he has diabetes, my sister said it was bad too.

And he wont' go to the clinic to get medicine for it.

she said his feet were hurting, which means he could lose his legs if he doesn't do anything....

Y__Y