Wrestlemania 45

[and2]

March 20, 2029 – Starbucks Square Garden

Folks, we’re on the road to Wrestlemania 45 and fans are gearing up for a super show. Just like our theme song says, "Everybody Wang Chung!" From top to bottom, the entire show is packed! The nine-hour event will be emanating live via television, internet, and chaluuffel-vision at 3pm EST on Sunday, March 19th. It should be quite a happening. Let’s start with the night's most anticipated match:



World Champion
Aristotle McMahon Helmsley Levesque
vs. Kurt Angle

The story of Kurt Angle has been nothing short of amazing. Kurt wrestled for more than two decades without a break, finally stopping for eleven months in 2024 for surgery. With the advent of new technology, the six-time Olympic Gold Medallist (one for wrestling, four for Ping-Pong, two for snowboarding) was granted the chance to truly have eternal life. After having his skin replaced by metal and his lungs removed in order to create a highly advanced fish-like gill breathing system, Kurt returned to the ring to make his mark once again.

Standing in his way is Aristotle McMahon Helmsley Levesque. The Prince of Princes has promised that at WrestleMania 45, he’ll defend his throne. AMHL has become quite a force to be reckoned with on Wednesday Night Raw. Since his debut with the company, Levesque has been unstoppable in his quest to do…well, anything. Will the heir to World Wide Entertainment and Sledgehammer Productions make Robo-Kurt another feather in his cap? Tune in to find out!



The Head of Vince McMahon w/Shane
vs. Jerry Orton

On the day that Vince McMahon turned 75, he made a promise. That promise was that he would never die. Using the same technology Kurt Angle used to become a robot, the chairman had his head detached from his body and placed inside a jar. McMahon had said that science will one daymake him whole again. Until then, his son Shane has vowed to carry his father’s severed skull to each WWE event and cause trouble in the lives of young superstars.

In this case, fourth generation superstar Jerry Orton has seen his title dreams halted time and again by the chairman’s vicious Headbutt of Doom (Shane threw the jar at him.) Despite facing nothing more than a decapitated McMahon head on pay-per-view, Jerry has stated that he’s "scared to death." One can understand the Cowboy Killer’s apprehension. At press time, the head held three straight pinfall victories over the young up and comer. Will Mania break the streak?



Rigel 7 "The Butt Lovin' Alien"
vs. Hollywood Hulk Hogan

In 2026, when the entire world learned of the true existence of aliens, World Wide Entertainment was eager to sign one to the roster. In typical WWE fashion, the alien was spiced up a bit, in order to give him a character people can relate to. On that day, Rigel 7 "The Butt-Lovin’ Alien" was born. He’s just your run-of-the-mill alien. You know, the kind of martian that you might run into at your local coffee shop or galgon station. The only difference is that he loves butts. Oh, how he loves the butts. Male, female, you name it – he loves ‘em. Will Hulk Hogan’s return to the ring be marred by Rigel 7’s ass fetish? Can the Immobile One hold off the Stranger from a Strange Land and avoid his dreaded Butt Probe? We’ll learn the answers only on Pay Per View.



Lord Enormous
vs. Bob Holly

In a special challenge match, Hardcore Bob Holly has promised to take out the massive Lord Enormous. A solid member of WWE’s roster from way back when doors still had knobs, Bob has made a habit of teaching youngsters respect. Holly has vowed to do that with WWE’s newest star. Will the Lord have his way with Holly? You’ll know after WrestleMania!



The Great Avenger
vs. Ric Flair

Get ready for a treat! WWE Hall of Famer Ric Flair laces up his boots and accepts the challenge of evil newcomer The Great Avenger. This feud began three weeks ago on Piper’s Pit when the Avenger laid down a WrestleMania challenge to the Nature Boy. When finally reached for comment, Flair responded, "I may not be the youngest ride at the park…" Then his jaw fell off. What else will fall off of the Dirtiest Player in the Game? Find out at WrestleMania 45!



he Chairman Comes to WrestleMania!

Then…finally, lucky fans can get a glimpse of WWE’s Chairman and the owner of Sledgehammer Productions. You read that right. It’s a special appearance by the Game, the King of Kings, the Cerebral Assassin, the American Blueblood, the Champion of Champions, Dr. Awesome, Captain Coolness, The Master of Swing, the Lord of the Dance, The Kick Ass Kid, The Wooly Bully, Poppa Pain, The Chomper, The Stomper, The Fantastic Force, Crazy Uncle Hunter, Hammerhead, Sideburns McGameface, Levesqueanator, The Aqua Netter, Muscles McKenzie, The Wild Knight, Admiral Anger, Boo Boo Kitty-*****, Bam Bam the Ram Man, Filo Dough, the Anti-Brock, Big Jim Slade, Mr. Terrific…the 34 time World Champion and WWE Hall of Famer…Triple H! What will the chairman have to say?

Note: Tickets to WWE’s Hall of Fame ceremony will be going on sale Thursday, January 19th, 2029 at the Garden Box Office or by sending a blip-mail to Ticketmaster.blip This year’s inductees are:

Former WWE Champion Sylvan Grenier by Robert Conway

Former WWE Champion Brock Lesnar by WWE Hall of Famer The Ultimate Warrior

"The Voice of WWE for over 30 years" COLE by Tazz, Don West, and John Heidenreich

Don't miss a single minute! Order WrestleMania 45 today!






Copy and Pasted this from Rajah. Its from WW insanity.

[Mr. Pedro]

Now this looks like something I'd fork over $49.99 for.

[langden alger]

lol....glad to see bob holly has stood the test of time. and i think we all know the outcome of the poor guy's match.

easy way to lose sleep at night-do an 'if they mated' with jerry orton and aristotle helmsley

great bit, you should send that over to r.d renyolds at wrestlecrap.com he'd love this.

[SirLemming]

I'm gonna watch this at Hooters, and I'll make an irrational joke about "sagging" even though it's not like they keep the same waitresses for the whole time.


But this PPV sounds like it'll be missing one thing:

[Runaway]

LMFAO! That's great.

[Deadman]

hahaha! thats a good one!!

[Temple Fugate]

Holy crap...I just laughed until my ribs broke at those photomanips. Brilliant.

[Zorak Masaki]

Hogan looks eerily like Jimmy Valiant in that picture up there.

[hobbyfan]

Now, that's funny. That's funny stuff.

Of course, if you wrote this in a book....!

[and2]

I didn't write it. It was probably Sensational Sherry from what Ive seen of the HOF ceremony.