Loss...

[Humble]

Losing someone or something you care about is one of the most distressing things that can happen. The premature loss of a person or thing is even more so.

I've been mulling over this subject a great deal lately due to some emotional turbulence during the holidays. I think I handled the death of my cat pretty well, but I can't help feeling that I could have dealt with it better.

This is where you guys come into the picture. Could you please post how you've dealt with your own losses and any advice you would give to your fellow posters on dealing with the inevitable?

As for me, I advise that you keep reality in check. Nothing is forever.

-Humble

[Temple Fugate]

I've lost both grandfathers. They died of heart attacks, and naturally the family was upset. I did my share of crying and grievance, because it's never easy when someone you know and love leaves forever. However, I've been able to find solace in faith that they have escaped this world of petty human desire and corruption and ascended to a place where they will never experience pain or fear or want. That sounds like I read it off a church pamphlet, but it's the basic truth. If anything, the deceased should grieve for us who are still trapped on this mortal plane. I feel kind of cold hearted not grieving as much as most of my family, but this is what helps me feel better, and it doesn't mean I don't care about my grandfathers.

When my brother's dog was put down over a year ago, that was a different situation. She had been suffering from heart problems for several months, and our parents were recommended one day by the vet that she should be put to sleep due to her now being in constant pain. My brother and I were at our respective colleges, so Mom and Dad went ahead and made the decision to end her life so that my brother wouldn't be faced with that impossible choice. As a cat lover, I felt obligated to express dislike and animosity toward what I called a "stupid dog," but in fact she was one of the smartest dogs I've known. We had a sort of understanding with each other; If I wanted her to go away, I'd just point to the door and out she went. I didn't want her in my room, and she never entered unless it was something urgent. But if she needed me to look after her because no one else was around, I always did.

So I was as sad as anyone when they called me that night to tell me she was dead. I can't even imagine how my brother felt. But I dealt with her death differently than my grandfathers'. It was partly because people have told me that there is no heaven for pets, because they have no souls and they can't repent for their sins. I think it's a bunch of crap. That dog had a soul. But we'll never know its true fate for as long as we live. This time I couldn't reassure myself that she was in a better place, because I didn't know for sure her soul hadn't just gone "Poof! Goodbye." So that was a difficult time. I have no idea how I'm going to feel when my cat dies (she's 13 1/2 human years right now), but I imagine I'm going to be even more broken up.

Well, this was a long one. Hope you were able to get something out of that. Nobody can say exactly the best way to deal with death, because we're all different. Eventually you'll feel better, but how long that takes depends on a lot of things.

[Kagetsu]

Death takes everything I love. Pets go in accidents and old age. People that have shown me what life is meant to be have all passed on. If I dwell on it too much it all seems so pointless.

[sun]

I am sorry about your loss.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a book about it: On Death and Dying
the five stages of loss are:
l. Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargainaing
4. Depression
5. Hope and Acceptance

It is in paperback, at the lib, or available at a bookstore...Collier Books-- l969
A classic in this field

Another book on the subject, using the same ideas, much easier, and shorter,...."How to Survive the Loss of a Love"....don't recall the authors, three,--- a poet, a psychologist, and writer.. It is an excellent read, 90 pages,
an hour and half - two hours at most...Much simplier. Try that one instead, if you do not want to read the longer book by Ross.. It is wonderful, kind and encouraging.....Google it, read it,,,It may help..We all work through loss at our own pace. Try to not be angry at yourself at how you are going thru it, or if it is not fast enough..Losing a pet is very sad,,,hang in there...You will get thru.......................................................Stuart

[Storm Eagle]

I've lost a friend to death (leukemia), and I've lost touch with an internet friend I really cared about. It sucks.

I have this question, but I hope it doesn't throw the gist of this thread off track. Which do you guys think it worse? Losing a friend to death, or losing touch with someone close to you so you're not able to get in contact with them in any way? I'm thinking the latter might be worse. See, upon reading an internet friend's livejournal.com entry, I found out she got banned from the internet by her parents, and I was under the impression that it was permanent. She was actually just banned until further notice, but let's say it acutally was permanent. I may not have lost her to death, but not being able to chat with her, yet knowing she's alive and still out there, I think that would make me want her back even more.

[Humble]

We all work through loss at our own pace. Try to not be angry at yourself at how you are going thru it, or if it is not fast enough..Losing a pet is very sad,,,hang in there...You will get thru.......................................................Stuart

Thanks for the encouragement Stuart.

I had accepted the news that my cat had inoperable cancer by the first day. However, my abundance of empathy was my undoing. If anyone was grieving or crying while I was present I would unintentionally tap into their feelings. Unless I hightailed it out of there or hyperfocused on something else I would lose it too. Even though I had moved on, my family would unwittingly drag me back to their level of acceptance. It was comparable to bloodletting a deep wound multiple times.

I have this question, but I hope it doesn't throw the gist of this thread off track. Which do you guys think it worse? Losing a friend to death, or losing touch with someone close to you so you're not able to get in contact with them in any way?

To me a living friend is preferable over a dead one. It's kind of selfish to want some semblance closure instead of giving your best wishes to the lost friend. It's like not letting go of a boyfriend or girlfriend that's leaving you for someone else. (I hope that analogy makes sense)

-Humble

[Storm Eagle]

To me a living friend is preferable over a dead one. It's kind of selfish to want some semblance closure instead of giving your best wishes to the lost friend. It's like not letting go of a boyfriend or girlfriend that's leaving you for someone else. (I hope that analogy makes sense)

-Humble

Did you read anything else I said, besides the part from me which you quoted to respond?

[Humble]

Did you read anything else I said, besides the part from me which you quoted to respond?

Yep. I was just answering that question in general terms. I must say your situation really sucks.

-Humble

[Storm Eagle]

Yep. I was just answering that question in general terms. I must say your situation really sucks.

Well I did say her ban from the internet turned out to be temporary. Her exact words in her journal entry were "I'm banned from the internet indefinitely". I always thought "indefinitely" was synonymous with "forever". That's what made me so upset about it all. She came back two days later though, so it's all good.

[Humble]

Well I did say her ban from the internet turned out to be temporary.

I just learned I need to get more sleep before I try speed reading again. Or change my laptop's resolution. Whichever comes first.

-Humble