Things I learned during my first year on res

[Simpler Simon]

My university club is coming out with it's first "newspaper/newsletter" in September, and one of the requirements was that each of the staff, including me, submit an article of some sort. This is what I have so far. Thought I'd toss it out for everyone to have a look. Comments appreciated. How much of this applies to you? :p

THINGS I LEARNED DURING MY FIRST YEAR ON RES

1.If you don’t see it or smell it, the rat isn’t dead yet: keep searching.

2.When in the shower, turn the knob right for boiling water; turn left for scalding hot water. Continuing turning in a 360-degree circle in either direction until knob breaks off in your hand. You will now have freezing cold water.

3.Posters are a quick and easy temporary solution for covering those holes in the wall during house checks.

4.There are two types of roommates: those who only invite girls over, and those who only invite guys over. When possible, try to be the former.

5.If you lock yourself out, ripping open the flimsy window screen and putting the repair bill on your roommate’s account is a good way to get in.

6.Maggots grow and multiply proportionally to the number of weeks you forget to take out the garbage.

7.Frozen/non-perishable food left in the refrigerator for over two months is up for grabs by all roommates. This applies to cooked, perishable food as well, but at your own risk.

8.Shell out the cash for a good plunger, unless you and your roommates don’t need to be told to eat your vegetables.

9.Before leaving the house, make sure the heating elements on the stove are turned off.

10.What the dons [house leaders] don’t know can’t hurt you.

[StarScream64]

Heh-heh. This is why I saved my 10 grand and just stayed home last year. :D

[Roger Smith]

i wish my school had clubs.. but the evil teachers i had destroy it all i had on mind a RPG club i talk to the director he say it was ok but b i @ $%^ teacher said it was from the devil

[Nightflower]

From my newspaper/newsletter last December. ^_^

As a note of information, my res was kind of weird in that it was housed off-campus and in an old hotel. U of T ran out of space. Not only that, but it was in a very unsavory part of town, where hookers came out when the sun came down like gargoyles did. The res had perks being in a hotel, though, like a TV in every room and if you hooked up your VCR right, you could get the pay-per-view movie channels.....and a couple of porn ones.


Top ten signs it's time to go home for the holidays
10. The people occupying the room next door seem to have a very limited vocabulary, your personal favorites being: "uhh...", "oh..", and "yeeessss, big daddy".
9. Your clothes all smell like dirty gym socks and you're too broke to clean them. Same goes for your body.
8. You wait for the damn streetcar for half an hour in the freezing cold, until someone brings to your attention it has been detoured for "construction". You wait at new stop. It never comes. You walk to school, arriving an hour late for class. Why bother?
7. If you see "vegetable medley" one more time...
6. You know all the whores by name and breast size.
5. Even the nudists in the room across the street are losing their spontaneity.
4. You've seen "Whore of the Rings" 19 times.
3. You can comfortably say "No, I'm still focused, I've only missed 8 lectures this week."
2. You can't even get a hangover anymore.
1. Instead of that warm Folgers-feeling, the smell of coffee immediately sends you into a cold sweat as you try to figure out what midterm you've just slept through

[Chris Wood]

From my newspaper/newsletter last December. ^_^

As a note of information, my res was kind of weird in that it was housed off-campus and in an old hotel. U of T ran out of space. Not only that, but it was in a very unsavory part of town, where hookers came out when the sun came down like gargoyles did. The res had perks being in a hotel, though, like a TV in every room and if you hooked up your VCR right, you could get the pay-per-view movie channels.....and a couple of porn ones.

Top ten signs it's time to go home for the holidays
10. The people occupying the room next door seem to have a very limited vocabulary, your personal favorites being: "uhh...", "oh..", and "yeeessss, big daddy".
6. You know all the whores by name and breast size.
5. Even the nudists in the room across the street are losing their spontaneity.
4. You've seen "Whore of the Rings" 19 times.


Wow! Your school rocks!!! Hookers and porn!!! This must be the one school where students don't want to move off-campus.

[Weatherman]

Yeeeek, and I thought UMD was in a less then great area. :eek:

CJ, those sound about right overall. :)



1o. Don't try to hide things from the RA's. They know, they've tried it too.

9. When the dining hall offers beef or chinese, it's time for another deli sandwich.

8. The internet connection has everything at all hours of the day.

7. The campus cable does not have HBO or porn. Don't bother looking.

6. The walls are thin. Very, very, very thin. remember this.

5. When you start gaming with your door open, you get company. Have extra controllers.

4. Flush the toilet, preferably without a whole roll of toilet paper or towels in it.

3. The showers are for showering, shaving, thinking about your term paper.........

2. Don't bother trying to study at night, it's too loud anyway.

1. When the RA asks "Who broke this?", that's a good time to go get a snack at the dining hall.