Of Relationships, Brothers, and Tomboys

[Andy Mancini]

Okay guys, I need an opinion. I know that some of you (all right, most of you) hate it when these romantic topics come up, but I'm not exactly sure what to do here, and my family and friends are of no help.

As I've said before, there is this girl that I've been pursuing for quite a long time. About three months ago, her college roommate made her and I express our true feelings, and we've been dating ever since. We're both extremely happy and in contrast to the recent "I'm engaged... I think" threads, we're in no rush. This is where my two problems come in.

Problem Number One: Although we've been "dating" for a little over three months, we've only been on two dates. My brother, although he is nineteen, doesn't have a license or a girlfriend, so I'm his only mode of transportation. Every time that I say "I'm going on a date with Angela on Friday", I hear comments from the peanut gallery, like "What? You ditching me now?" or "Go ahead. I think dating is stupid and pointless anyway." I can't do any normal "date things" with her, like go see a movie or go eat at a fancy foreign restaurant, because he really starts geetting angry then. That, combined with the facts that Angela isn't the most feminie girl in the world (more on that in a second) and that Pittsburgh is boring, means that our dates usually consist of driving out to "far away mall X" and going to the Hot Topic. When I tell my parents, they think it's funny, since my Aunt Judy did the same thing to them (only less whiney) thirty years ago.

Problem Number Two: I love my girlfriend, but as I said earlier, she isn't the most feminine person in the world. She wears no makeup, no jewlery, and the like. She also finds normal "relationship things" (outside of me paying for stuff, of course) like opening the door and getting close to her, to be annoying, and the people to do them to be "too clingy". Her last boyfriend did those things, and she hates him because of it. I have a natural urge to do those thing, but I reluctantly resist, mainly because I don't want to become "clingy like Bob". When I bring it up to her, she just looks at me like I'm talking Chinese.

Any suggestions? I know that these are rather minor issues, but they're issues nonetheless. I'm sorry to bore you all, but it's been on my mind for quite some time.

[Rune]

Okay here's my couple of cents worth.

The problem with your brother is something that shouldn't be too difficult to deal with, okay so currently he's got no girlfriend and depends on you for transport but that doesn't mean he'll always be in that situation.

At some point you're going to have to just tell him to stop acting in such as immature fashion, he's 19 so he's not a little kid and he should be able to realise that there are times when you should be able to do the things you want to do. Saying stuff to you like ' you ditching me now' or telling you that dating is stupid isn't doing anything apart from making him feel sorry for himself and wallowing in apathy whist trying to lay a guilt trip on you - and because you wrote this post it looks like he's succeeding too. Maybe arrange to take him out some other time if you're genuinely worried about him feeling left out but there's going to come a time when you have to make a stand for yourself and make time for yourself and you GF and it may as well be now.

With your GF, well some girls don't like to wear make up and frilly clothes but again that's a situ that might change, I was very much a tomboy myself in my teens and hated all the mushy romance stuff. With simply trying to get close to her I'll assume you mean stuff like maybe holding hands at the mall, or hugging, kissing elsewhere, I don't know what her ex was like obviously but he sounds from your description of clingy as perhaps being a bit smothering with his affection, maybe even possessive and it can be alarming and offputting which would explain why she backs off from this approach.

Saying that I think she owes it to you to be honest about how she feels about your relationship, I mean if the two of you were able to express your true feelings about each other courtesy of her roommate then surely you can discuss where your relationship is going and what you both want out of it. She may simply be scared of committing herself again after the past break up and quite honestly if you've only had a couple of dates then I think you need more time to get to know each other and be able to talk about things. Shying away from it isn't helping either of you, you need to tell her of your concerns and she needs to listen and understand where you're coming from, only that way can you work it out.

You seem a sensible, sensitive all round good guy to me so good luck to you and I hope that both situations work out :)

[Outlander00]

At least your problems are easy to take care of :p

With your broter, he's clingy... expecting you to do these things. I think he is a little jealous that you are paying attention to her instead of him because you used to be around to do those things. Just tell him that you are not always going to be around and that you have a life outside of him... Also that he's 19 and has to be a little more mature (and get his own liscense and car :p).

As far as your girlfriend... I dont think you can really do too much about that except to talk to her. Shes got to either get more comfortable with you or you just got to get used to it. Relationships require compromises (I learned that the hard way :p). Like Rune said, she just might be turned off by the whole intimate aspect of a relationship by her ex... Thats not your fault, but you have to be sensitive to that. When she feels more comfortable and wants to do, she'll do it. Just give her time and talk to her about it to understand why she doesnt... That helps you because it shows that you care enough to listen to her and understand her feelings instead of being selfish by trying to do to the intimate things.

The clothes/makeup issure isnt a problem... She'll grow out of it eventually. Besdies, if shes cute you dont have to worry about the make up aspect because she doesnt need it. :p

[cross blues]

I don't know why your brother needs to go somewhere every time you want to go on a date, but you gotta tell him to deal with it. I know he's your brother but at some point you have to think about how important this girl is to you. If you keep putting your brother first just because you're afraid to upset him, you will undoubtedly lose the girl. Besides that, going to "far away mall X" for your dates will get boring eventually.

Some girls just don't like the old-style gentleman any more. If she said she thinks that's clingy, you should probably also avoid things like holding hands or talking about your feelings unless she initiates them. Chances are you won't be able to change her mind, just piss her off more. Maybe if you make yourself distant enough, she will actually try to be closer to you. I don't know how close the two of you are now, but she sounds like the type that, if bored with you in any way, would have no problem leaving.

[Leaping Larry Jojo]

Some girls just don't like the old-style gentleman any more. If she said she thinks that's clingy, you should probably also avoid things like holding hands or talking about your feelings unless she initiates them. Chances are you won't be able to change her mind, just piss her off more. Maybe if you make yourself distant enough, she will actually try to be closer to you. I don't know how close the two of you are now, but she sounds like the type that, if bored with you in any way, would have no problem leaving.

Actually, I'm similar to her in many ways (except that I'm a guy). I'm not into public displays of affection or pretty much any displays of affection. I have a romantic side, but overall, I don't look at relationships in the same way that most people do. I don't feel the need to constantly shove coal into the love fire.

On the other hand, I haven't been devastated at my past break-ups, either. One of my old girlfriends told me that I'm too cold and distant. So maybe I am that type that doesn't have any problem "leaving" too. :shrug: :sweat:

[Weatherman]

Concerning your brother, tell him to piss off. You have your own life and he's going to have to find a life for himself. If he really needs to get somewhere, there's always the bus. You're not his taxi service.


Concerning your gf, that's an interesting issue. Personally, I dislike the look of make-up and I find jewlrey beyond earings and maybe a ring or two to bee too much. A little enhances, alot destorys. ;) And hey, at least she doesn't take a long time to get ready to go. As for affection, though it's only been 3 months, it sounds like you and her need to take, say, an hour or so and sit down somewhere without other people around to talk about your feelings and about what does and does not work about your relationship. I think she's a bit scraed of putting herself out in the open again where she could get burned like last time. You should also try and get the information about what her previous bf was like from a third-party, like her room mate.


Concerning your lack of places to go, Pittsburgh as 3 professional sports teams, even if the Penguins are pretty awful, you got Kennywood amusement park and Idelwild amusement park is not too far away, you can go walking around the river front area, there are plenty of not so fancy restaurants, I can reccomend Penn's Brewery and Restaurant for excellent german food and beer, you can go for a hike in the mountains and there are other things like Seven Spring's not too far away with other things to do.

[Andy Mancini]

I don't know why your brother needs to go somewhere every time you want to go on a date, but you gotta tell him to deal with it. I know he's your brother but at some point you have to think about how important this girl is to you. If you keep putting your brother first just because you're afraid to upset him, you will undoubtedly lose the girl.
It's a tad more difficult than that. Ever since I got my license, a "night on the town" consisted of my brother, my now-girlfriend, a rotating cast of friends, and myself. My brother feels says that by going out without him, we're "ditching him". As for how to describe my brother... Take Millions Knives from Trigun, remove the desire to kill everyone, and give him a Nabeshin-style hairdo, and you have my brother. That's pretty much what I'm dealing with.


Actually, I'm similar to her in many ways (except that I'm a guy). I'm not into public displays of affection or pretty much any displays of affection. I have a romantic side, but overall, I don't look at relationships in the same way that most people do. I don't feel the need to constantly shove coal into the love fire.
Neither do I. I personally hate it when couples, no matter their age, get all "lovey-dovey" in public. Compared to her though, I look like Glenn Quagmire from The Family Guy. I mean, she hates when I touch her. I'm not talking sexually here, I'm talking in general. That's just how she is, and I totally understand that. My thing is that I have to now overthink everything I do so I don't offend her.


Concerning your brother, tell him to piss off. You have your own life and he's going to have to find a life for himself. If he really needs to get somewhere, there's always the bus.
Not by our house. There is absolutely no public transportation where I live. If you want to go somewhere fun, you have to drive, case closed.

[Weatherman]

Hmm, well, sounds like he just needs to learn how to drive himself somewhere. He can't sponge rides off of you forever.



She wont let you touch her at all? :confused: Now that is a little more weird. You sure it was just that her old bf was "clingy". My pop-psychology 2-cents is that there's something deeper then that. :shrug:

[Chris Sanders MSX]

You could tell your brother to shut up and go find a friend with a car. That's what I do to my sister. That or go to an arcade, ditch your bro and chill with your girl. But if it were me I'd just tell your brother to bug off and get a life. Oh and since your parents know what it's like make a PLEA to them. They'll understand and should let you leave your bro alone a few times.

As for your other problem, I guess you just have to wait until she grows out of it but I know how much that can suck. The urge being there and not being able to fulfill it and tehn telling her and having her not really care. I dunno. Maybe you should be someone who's down for that stuff, but thats just a thought. I guess you can thick it out and I'm sure as you two get closer things will just flow.

[Andy Mancini]

She wont let you touch her at all? :confused: Now that is a little more weird. You sure it was just that her old bf was "clingy". My pop-psychology 2-cents is that there's something deeper then that. :shrug:I don't know. I met her old boyfriend a couple of times, and he didn't seem too bad. Sure he was a little arrogant and had the tendancy to say stupid things ("I want a computer that has negative ping!"), but it was nothing major. Still though, I really can't get an accurate read on the guy, as I spent most of time hating him because he was "with my girl", as I looked at it. I did see him do things that she would consider to be "clingy", but it was nothing that a normal boyfriend wouldn't do.

When I bring up the whole touching issue, she says that when a person touches her, they are "invading her personal space". The strange thing about it is that she's only distant when it comes to physical things. She's fine with everything else: talking about her problems, talking about my problems (we know each other like a book), doing projects together (my avatar is based on a scene from a story we wrote) etc. For most people I know it's the other way around. At first I thought it was abuse from her family, but I quickly dismissed that. Her family is the very definition of happy and besides, I would have heard about it. Then I thought it was abuse from a former boyfriend, but all three of those guys respect her too much to do that to her, and again, I would have heard about it.

[Weatherman]

Hmmmmmmmmmmm :confused:


Best idea I can come up with would be to just get her alone for awhile somewhere other then the car and have a serious talk with her about this. You're going to have to clear this up for this realtionship to go anywhere.;)