Pietro
06-19-2003, 12:24 PM
The Clash of the Cartoon Stars -
The Aardvark ("The Ant and the Aardvark")
vs. the Wolf ("Wolf Chases Pigs")
(Opens to commentator's booth at Acme Headquarters)
Bugs (talking extremely fast): Wwwwwwwwwwwweeeelllcome everybody to CLASH OF THE CARTOON STARS. The show of shows were you pick the show that we'll show annnnnnnnnnnd we'll sell you dis remarkable new rubber chicken for only 19.95 plus tax which is a zillion bucks but call in the next 10 minutes and we'll throw in a free copy of Ann Murray presents "Bob the Singing Bass Got Run Over By a Tractor" with da Kids Bop Kids layin' eggs. And what's so special about dat you might add? Well, can YOU lay an egg? Then we got tops, tops, and more tops and a slightly damaged, pre-viewed copy of "Joesph and da Technicolor Dream Coat" even though Warner Brothers cartoons used
Technicolor in a less sloppy manor. (slows down to normal speed) Translation: What's up doc? I'm Bugs Bunny and welcome back to CLASH OF DA CARTOON STARS after dat, long, long, long one year hiatus!
(applause)
Mickey: And I'm your co-host, former Disney star, Mickey Mouse!
(two claps, a few cricket chirps, some coughs, and one "boo")
Bugs: Now today before we start da fight we'll read some of our local fan e-mail!
(Bugs opens his laptop)
Bugs: Joe from Someplace in New Zealand asks "Dear Mickey, how's da relationship wit' Minnie goin'?"
Mickey (starts sniveling, but manages a forced smile): Ummm.....very...(sniff, sniff) good.
(Mickey bawls loudly)
Bugs: Well, you know she just prefers dem out-of-date, 1940s types.
(Camera pans out to the audience where we see Minnie sitting next to Jerry Mouse who is wearing a zuit suit, then the camera zip pans back)
Bugs: And besides she wasn't dat great of a dame anyway, she looked just like you in drag.
(Mickey only bawls louder)
Bugs: Eh, I tink we better take five. We'll be back right after dis.....
Mickey: IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S NOT FAIR!
(Mickey slams his head on the desk everytime he says "It's Not Fair." Bugs looks over a Mickey sobbing deeply then slaps his forehead. Commerical opens in a forest, we see Bullwinkle sneaking around in hunting clothes)
Announcer: THE DANGER!
(Boris pops out of a bush)
Boris: Hey, moose!
Bullwinkle: What?
Boris: Boo.
Bullwinkle: AHHH!
(Bullwinkle flees in fright)
Announcer: THE EXCITEMENT!
(Cut to Bullwinkle watching paint dry)
Announcer: THE ADVENTURE!
(We cut to Bullwinkle hiding in the bushes with a net)
Boris: Hey Moose! Do you know there are six million and twelve tiles on studio ceiling?
Bullwinkle: There.....OOP!
(We cut to see Bullwinkle's rear caught in a bear trap)
Announcer: AND THE.....UNCUTNESS
Bullwinkle: Say wait a darn minute that's not even a.....
Announcer: See Bullwinkle J. Moose.....Alligator Hunter........LIVE!
Boris: Phooey! It's not live! It's fake!
Bullwinkle: Now wait a second you just ruined it! Now the ratings at "Animal Planet" will sink and I'll be put out of a job.
Boris: Not my life, moose.
(Boris pulls a trapdoor on Bullwinkle and laughs)
Boris: Well, you gotta think, isn't daytime television already dead these days?
(Return to "Clash of the Cartoon Stars")
Bugs: Well, we're back! And I tink we got our Mickey problem under......
(Mickey bursts out sobbing again)
Bugs: Eh, spoke to soon, dat's just like ol' Chuckie Cheese.
Mickey: (sniff, sniff) STOP IT! STOP CALLING ME THAT NAME! (continues sobbing)
Bugs: Boy, what dopey dimwit, dis pathetic, packy-doim palooka is!
(Mickey bawls even louder)
Bugs: Yeesh, an' I taught Lola was bad. Anyway, folks we ain't gettin' anywhere wit dis sub-plot so we'll just get to da point already. Today's match will NOT be wrestling but boxing again, due to frequent requests by fans.
(Bugs' laptop makes an AOL-type sound)
Bugs: Hey, dere's anudder letter right now.
(Mickey bawls louder)
Bugs: Yeesh. Now den, tonight's match is an all-out grudge match of two particularly highly obscure characters who infact only known by da fine folks over at "The Termite Terrace Trading Post" located right here on da ToonZone forums! LADIES AND GENTS! ON DA RIGHT - FROM DA EVERGLADS - SHERWOOD FOREST - AND SOME UDDER PLACE - MR. "MASTER OF DIASTER" HIMSELF - DA AARDVARK!
(Zip pan to the Aardvark (of DePatie-Freleng's "Ant and the Aardvark") in the right corner of the ring)
Aardvark: I smell an ant around here somewhere and where dere's an ant dere's dinner. Hopefully it's not a 50 foot tall ant like da one on da milk commiocials.
Bugs: AND ON DA LEFT - FROM CALIFORNY - SOMEWHAT FROM LOS ANGULAS - AND FROM DA GOOD STATE OF NEW YORK - DA WOLF FROM "WOLF CHASES PIGS"
(Zip pan to the Wolf in the left cortner of the ring smoking a Cuban cigar)
Wolf: Good times in Bombay dis year, (starts sniffing) I smell pork around here somewhere and where dere's pork dere's dinner! Mwa ha ha ha ha....
Bugs: Now you folks at home are probably wonderin' why we teamed up two highly obscure cartoon characters who have absolutely nothin' in common wit' each other. Well, dat's a good question, Mickey....
(Mickey only bawls louder)
Bugs: I taught so. And now our one and only, non-animated referee, Mr. T!
(Camera pans around the whole stadium, Mr. T is nowhere in site. He finally arrives late)
Mr. T: I pity da fool who checked me in late! I was just doin' some more spots of 1-800 COLLECT.
Bugs: Oh brudder.
(Bugs looks over at Mickey sobbing even louder)
Bugs: Well, it could be woise, I guess. And now on wit da fight - Mr. T.....
Mr. T: Let da fight begin!
(The Aardvark comes out to the ring)
Aardvark: Alright, put up yer dukes, are you cicken or something! I'll tear you apart limb from limb!
Wolf: Oh yeah! Mwa ha ha ha ha!
Aardvark: Yeah! (Badly immitates the Wolf's laugh)
(Suddenly, out of noplace we hear Mickey bawling extremely loud. The Wolf and the Aardvark look around and decide to continue fighting)
Wolf: (clears throat) Now where were we me little chum? Mwa ha ha ha!
(Wolf puts on glasses and takes out script)
Aardvark: Oh just, page 1-B!
(The Aardvark steps on the Wolf's foot)
Wolf: OOWWW! Why you....I'll moider you!
(The Wolf chases the Aardvark around the ring, then he finally corners him)
Wolf: Now, I got.....
(Suddenly, out of noplace we hear Mickey bawling extremely loud. The Wolf and the Aardvark look around and decide to continue fighting. The Aardvark takes the Wolf's glasses off his face and puts them on his)
Aardvark: You wouldn't a fella with glasses woulda, Wolfie?
(The Wolf pounds the Aardvark to his corner of the ring)
Aardvark: Ya know, I believe he would.
(The bell rings ending Round One, the Wolf walks over to his own corner but before actually arriving there the bell rings again starting Round Two. The Wolf walks over and sees his glasses broken)
Wolf: Oh no! Me glasses is broke!
Aardvark: Can't ya just buy a new pair someplace?
Wolf: Buy a new pair! THESE COST EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS!
Aardvark: Aww, too bad, here let me help you.....
(Aaardvark steps on Wolf's toe)
Wolf: OW!
Aardvar: See, ain't ya feelin' better already?
(Aardvark punches him in the syomach)
Wolf: OOF!
(Suddenly, out of noplace we hear Mickey bawling extremely loud. The Wolf and the Aardvark look around and decide to continue fighting. Aardvark pokes his eyes)
Wolf: OH!
(Aardvark tweaks his nose)
Wolf: OW!
Bugs: Oooh! Dat's gotta hoit!
(Aardvark pulls down the Wolf's boxers revealing girly underwear, the wolf walks unsteadily with his pants caught on his feet, and the Aardvark trips him)
Bugs: Now dat must hoit even more!
Aardvark: Hey, Wolf, your "Fruity Loom" is showin'
Wolf (turning red): Ooooo...hehehe, how embarrassin'
(Wolf punches the Aardvark and pulls up his pants. The bell rings, Round Two has ended, but another bell rings right after it, Round Three begins. The aardvark puls out a huge mallet and wacks the Wolf with it, the Wolf is now in a daze)
Wolf (dazed): No salad fer me tanks, I'm on a strict diet - pork!
(Wolf faints, Mr. T starts to count him out)
Voice: Hey pal!
Aardvark: AN ANT!
(The Aardvark runs over to the Ant who is standing right by the ring)
Ant: Here's your Round Three breaktime snack!
Aardvark: Oh boy a feast!
(The Aardvark envisions the Ant as a roast turkey)
Mr. T: ....7.....
(The Wolf gets up)
Wolf: I'LL MOIDER THE BUM!
(The Ant jumps in the ring, and the Aardvark gives chase, while the Wolf chases the Aardvark)
Bugs: Ladies and Gentlemen, WHAT A FIGHT! WHAT A FIGHT!
(They continue running but suddenly are stopped by a traffic light. Mickey is heard bawling again. The light turns green, and the chase continues. The Wolf grabs the Aardvark by the feet and starts punching him to no end, knocking the Aardvark out cold)
Ant: Yeah! Give it to him Wolf! And now time to collect my winnin's......
(The Ant walks away to the gambling booth, while Mr. T. counts the Aardvark out)
Mr. T: 9...10! He's out! And da winner....Da Wolf of "Wolf Chases Pigs!"
Wolf: I'd like ta tank da Army for dis little reward and.......PORK!
(The Wolf suddenly spots the three Little Pigs in the audience and gives chase. Mickey is still bawling)
Mickey (crying): COME BACK TO ME! COME BACK!
Bugs: Eh......yeah.
(The Aardvark gets up and the Ant comes by with a barrel full of gold and money)
Ant: Too bad ya lost pal.
Aardvark: I would've have given up if dat Wolf had better dental hygene! Say where did you get all dat stuff?
Ant: Oh you know from....."Blockbuster Video".......
Aardvark: No you didn't, you confound ant, you bet on da odds of me losion', didn't ya?
Ant: Well, yes I.....
(The Aardvark finally sucks up the Ant)
Aardvark: Well, it took years, but I finally got him.
(The Ant pops out of the Aardvark's long snoot)
Ant: You sure didn't, Andy!
(The Aardvark chases the Ant out of the arena)
Bugs: Eh, dis is Bugs Bunny signing off after anudder episode of CLASH OF DA CARTOON STARS!
(Mickey bawls loudly)
Bugs: Eh, Join us next time when returning champ, Garfield faces off with Bucky Katt!
(Mickey continues bawling)
Bugs: Looks like I gotta deal wit dis guy once and fer all!
(Bugs clunks Mickey on the head with a mallet)
Bugs: Dere dat's better.
Mickey (dazed): Thank you, Bugs, now let's get onto today's fight, shall we?
Bugs: Oh brudder.
-Pietro:crow:
The Aardvark ("The Ant and the Aardvark")
vs. the Wolf ("Wolf Chases Pigs")
(Opens to commentator's booth at Acme Headquarters)
Bugs (talking extremely fast): Wwwwwwwwwwwweeeelllcome everybody to CLASH OF THE CARTOON STARS. The show of shows were you pick the show that we'll show annnnnnnnnnnd we'll sell you dis remarkable new rubber chicken for only 19.95 plus tax which is a zillion bucks but call in the next 10 minutes and we'll throw in a free copy of Ann Murray presents "Bob the Singing Bass Got Run Over By a Tractor" with da Kids Bop Kids layin' eggs. And what's so special about dat you might add? Well, can YOU lay an egg? Then we got tops, tops, and more tops and a slightly damaged, pre-viewed copy of "Joesph and da Technicolor Dream Coat" even though Warner Brothers cartoons used
Technicolor in a less sloppy manor. (slows down to normal speed) Translation: What's up doc? I'm Bugs Bunny and welcome back to CLASH OF DA CARTOON STARS after dat, long, long, long one year hiatus!
(applause)
Mickey: And I'm your co-host, former Disney star, Mickey Mouse!
(two claps, a few cricket chirps, some coughs, and one "boo")
Bugs: Now today before we start da fight we'll read some of our local fan e-mail!
(Bugs opens his laptop)
Bugs: Joe from Someplace in New Zealand asks "Dear Mickey, how's da relationship wit' Minnie goin'?"
Mickey (starts sniveling, but manages a forced smile): Ummm.....very...(sniff, sniff) good.
(Mickey bawls loudly)
Bugs: Well, you know she just prefers dem out-of-date, 1940s types.
(Camera pans out to the audience where we see Minnie sitting next to Jerry Mouse who is wearing a zuit suit, then the camera zip pans back)
Bugs: And besides she wasn't dat great of a dame anyway, she looked just like you in drag.
(Mickey only bawls louder)
Bugs: Eh, I tink we better take five. We'll be back right after dis.....
Mickey: IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S NOT FAIR!
(Mickey slams his head on the desk everytime he says "It's Not Fair." Bugs looks over a Mickey sobbing deeply then slaps his forehead. Commerical opens in a forest, we see Bullwinkle sneaking around in hunting clothes)
Announcer: THE DANGER!
(Boris pops out of a bush)
Boris: Hey, moose!
Bullwinkle: What?
Boris: Boo.
Bullwinkle: AHHH!
(Bullwinkle flees in fright)
Announcer: THE EXCITEMENT!
(Cut to Bullwinkle watching paint dry)
Announcer: THE ADVENTURE!
(We cut to Bullwinkle hiding in the bushes with a net)
Boris: Hey Moose! Do you know there are six million and twelve tiles on studio ceiling?
Bullwinkle: There.....OOP!
(We cut to see Bullwinkle's rear caught in a bear trap)
Announcer: AND THE.....UNCUTNESS
Bullwinkle: Say wait a darn minute that's not even a.....
Announcer: See Bullwinkle J. Moose.....Alligator Hunter........LIVE!
Boris: Phooey! It's not live! It's fake!
Bullwinkle: Now wait a second you just ruined it! Now the ratings at "Animal Planet" will sink and I'll be put out of a job.
Boris: Not my life, moose.
(Boris pulls a trapdoor on Bullwinkle and laughs)
Boris: Well, you gotta think, isn't daytime television already dead these days?
(Return to "Clash of the Cartoon Stars")
Bugs: Well, we're back! And I tink we got our Mickey problem under......
(Mickey bursts out sobbing again)
Bugs: Eh, spoke to soon, dat's just like ol' Chuckie Cheese.
Mickey: (sniff, sniff) STOP IT! STOP CALLING ME THAT NAME! (continues sobbing)
Bugs: Boy, what dopey dimwit, dis pathetic, packy-doim palooka is!
(Mickey bawls even louder)
Bugs: Yeesh, an' I taught Lola was bad. Anyway, folks we ain't gettin' anywhere wit dis sub-plot so we'll just get to da point already. Today's match will NOT be wrestling but boxing again, due to frequent requests by fans.
(Bugs' laptop makes an AOL-type sound)
Bugs: Hey, dere's anudder letter right now.
(Mickey bawls louder)
Bugs: Yeesh. Now den, tonight's match is an all-out grudge match of two particularly highly obscure characters who infact only known by da fine folks over at "The Termite Terrace Trading Post" located right here on da ToonZone forums! LADIES AND GENTS! ON DA RIGHT - FROM DA EVERGLADS - SHERWOOD FOREST - AND SOME UDDER PLACE - MR. "MASTER OF DIASTER" HIMSELF - DA AARDVARK!
(Zip pan to the Aardvark (of DePatie-Freleng's "Ant and the Aardvark") in the right corner of the ring)
Aardvark: I smell an ant around here somewhere and where dere's an ant dere's dinner. Hopefully it's not a 50 foot tall ant like da one on da milk commiocials.
Bugs: AND ON DA LEFT - FROM CALIFORNY - SOMEWHAT FROM LOS ANGULAS - AND FROM DA GOOD STATE OF NEW YORK - DA WOLF FROM "WOLF CHASES PIGS"
(Zip pan to the Wolf in the left cortner of the ring smoking a Cuban cigar)
Wolf: Good times in Bombay dis year, (starts sniffing) I smell pork around here somewhere and where dere's pork dere's dinner! Mwa ha ha ha ha....
Bugs: Now you folks at home are probably wonderin' why we teamed up two highly obscure cartoon characters who have absolutely nothin' in common wit' each other. Well, dat's a good question, Mickey....
(Mickey only bawls louder)
Bugs: I taught so. And now our one and only, non-animated referee, Mr. T!
(Camera pans around the whole stadium, Mr. T is nowhere in site. He finally arrives late)
Mr. T: I pity da fool who checked me in late! I was just doin' some more spots of 1-800 COLLECT.
Bugs: Oh brudder.
(Bugs looks over at Mickey sobbing even louder)
Bugs: Well, it could be woise, I guess. And now on wit da fight - Mr. T.....
Mr. T: Let da fight begin!
(The Aardvark comes out to the ring)
Aardvark: Alright, put up yer dukes, are you cicken or something! I'll tear you apart limb from limb!
Wolf: Oh yeah! Mwa ha ha ha ha!
Aardvark: Yeah! (Badly immitates the Wolf's laugh)
(Suddenly, out of noplace we hear Mickey bawling extremely loud. The Wolf and the Aardvark look around and decide to continue fighting)
Wolf: (clears throat) Now where were we me little chum? Mwa ha ha ha!
(Wolf puts on glasses and takes out script)
Aardvark: Oh just, page 1-B!
(The Aardvark steps on the Wolf's foot)
Wolf: OOWWW! Why you....I'll moider you!
(The Wolf chases the Aardvark around the ring, then he finally corners him)
Wolf: Now, I got.....
(Suddenly, out of noplace we hear Mickey bawling extremely loud. The Wolf and the Aardvark look around and decide to continue fighting. The Aardvark takes the Wolf's glasses off his face and puts them on his)
Aardvark: You wouldn't a fella with glasses woulda, Wolfie?
(The Wolf pounds the Aardvark to his corner of the ring)
Aardvark: Ya know, I believe he would.
(The bell rings ending Round One, the Wolf walks over to his own corner but before actually arriving there the bell rings again starting Round Two. The Wolf walks over and sees his glasses broken)
Wolf: Oh no! Me glasses is broke!
Aardvark: Can't ya just buy a new pair someplace?
Wolf: Buy a new pair! THESE COST EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS!
Aardvark: Aww, too bad, here let me help you.....
(Aaardvark steps on Wolf's toe)
Wolf: OW!
Aardvar: See, ain't ya feelin' better already?
(Aardvark punches him in the syomach)
Wolf: OOF!
(Suddenly, out of noplace we hear Mickey bawling extremely loud. The Wolf and the Aardvark look around and decide to continue fighting. Aardvark pokes his eyes)
Wolf: OH!
(Aardvark tweaks his nose)
Wolf: OW!
Bugs: Oooh! Dat's gotta hoit!
(Aardvark pulls down the Wolf's boxers revealing girly underwear, the wolf walks unsteadily with his pants caught on his feet, and the Aardvark trips him)
Bugs: Now dat must hoit even more!
Aardvark: Hey, Wolf, your "Fruity Loom" is showin'
Wolf (turning red): Ooooo...hehehe, how embarrassin'
(Wolf punches the Aardvark and pulls up his pants. The bell rings, Round Two has ended, but another bell rings right after it, Round Three begins. The aardvark puls out a huge mallet and wacks the Wolf with it, the Wolf is now in a daze)
Wolf (dazed): No salad fer me tanks, I'm on a strict diet - pork!
(Wolf faints, Mr. T starts to count him out)
Voice: Hey pal!
Aardvark: AN ANT!
(The Aardvark runs over to the Ant who is standing right by the ring)
Ant: Here's your Round Three breaktime snack!
Aardvark: Oh boy a feast!
(The Aardvark envisions the Ant as a roast turkey)
Mr. T: ....7.....
(The Wolf gets up)
Wolf: I'LL MOIDER THE BUM!
(The Ant jumps in the ring, and the Aardvark gives chase, while the Wolf chases the Aardvark)
Bugs: Ladies and Gentlemen, WHAT A FIGHT! WHAT A FIGHT!
(They continue running but suddenly are stopped by a traffic light. Mickey is heard bawling again. The light turns green, and the chase continues. The Wolf grabs the Aardvark by the feet and starts punching him to no end, knocking the Aardvark out cold)
Ant: Yeah! Give it to him Wolf! And now time to collect my winnin's......
(The Ant walks away to the gambling booth, while Mr. T. counts the Aardvark out)
Mr. T: 9...10! He's out! And da winner....Da Wolf of "Wolf Chases Pigs!"
Wolf: I'd like ta tank da Army for dis little reward and.......PORK!
(The Wolf suddenly spots the three Little Pigs in the audience and gives chase. Mickey is still bawling)
Mickey (crying): COME BACK TO ME! COME BACK!
Bugs: Eh......yeah.
(The Aardvark gets up and the Ant comes by with a barrel full of gold and money)
Ant: Too bad ya lost pal.
Aardvark: I would've have given up if dat Wolf had better dental hygene! Say where did you get all dat stuff?
Ant: Oh you know from....."Blockbuster Video".......
Aardvark: No you didn't, you confound ant, you bet on da odds of me losion', didn't ya?
Ant: Well, yes I.....
(The Aardvark finally sucks up the Ant)
Aardvark: Well, it took years, but I finally got him.
(The Ant pops out of the Aardvark's long snoot)
Ant: You sure didn't, Andy!
(The Aardvark chases the Ant out of the arena)
Bugs: Eh, dis is Bugs Bunny signing off after anudder episode of CLASH OF DA CARTOON STARS!
(Mickey bawls loudly)
Bugs: Eh, Join us next time when returning champ, Garfield faces off with Bucky Katt!
(Mickey continues bawling)
Bugs: Looks like I gotta deal wit dis guy once and fer all!
(Bugs clunks Mickey on the head with a mallet)
Bugs: Dere dat's better.
Mickey (dazed): Thank you, Bugs, now let's get onto today's fight, shall we?
Bugs: Oh brudder.
-Pietro:crow: