MST3k: "Ed, Edd, & Eddy meet Harry Potter"

[Pietro]

In the not-too-distant future, next Sunday A.D.
There was a guy named Joel, not too different from you or me.
He worked at Gizmonic Institute, just another face in a red jumpsuit.
He did a good job cleaning up the place, but his bosses didn't like him,
so they shot him into space.

TV's FRANK: We'll send him cheezy movies, the worst we can find!

DR. FORRESTER and FRANK: La, la, la!

DR. FORRESTER: He'll have to sit and watch them all, and we'll monitor his mind!

DR. FORRESTER and FRANK: La, la, la!

Now keep in mind Joel can't control where the movies begin or end
(DR. FORRESTER and FRANK: La, la, la!)
Because he used those special parts to make his robot friends.
Robot roll call!

CAMBOT: Pan left!

GYPSY: Hi, girl!

TOM SERVO: What a cool guy!

CROOOW: What a wisecracker!

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts
(DR. FORRESTER and FRANK: La, la, la!)
Just repeat to yourself, It's just a show, I should really just relax
For Mystery Science Theater 3000!

(Doors open into The Satellite of Love. JOEL, CROW, and TOM
are all wearing T-shirts with characters from Sci-Fi films on them.)

JOEL: Hi, everyone! Welcome to the Satellite of Love.
Yesterday we visted the Sci-Fi film convention.

TOM: Yeah that's right, and we all got cool T-shirts
with Sci-Fi characters on them. CROW is on my T-shirt.

JOEL: Hey! And you're on my T-shirt!

CROW: And JOEL you're on my T-shirt! Wow!
That's weird.

JOEL: Hold it! The "Mads" are calling!

(Onscreen: the "Mads," DR. FORRESTER and his assistant TV'S FRANK.)

DR. FORRESTER: Hello, Joel! How about we get to the invention
exchange. What do you say?

JOEL: Well OK. My invention this week is an educational TV show
eliminator. That means you can eliminate PBS.

DR. FORRESTER: That's fine, but, my invention is better.
It's an educational show reproducer. That means you
can reproduce your favorite educational show provider, PBS!
Anyway, today's fanfic is called "Ed, Edd, & Eddy meet Harry Potter."
It's a crossover between Cartoon Network's idiotic cartoon show,
"Ed, Edd, and Eddy" and the popular fad of Harry Potter.

(siren goes off)

JOEL, CROW, TOM: It's Fanfic sign!

[Pietro]

(Doors open into the theater. Onscreen, a web browser is downloading the fanfic. CROW and JOEL, who is carrying TOM SERVO, enter the theater and sit down.)

>"Ed, Edd, & Eddy meet Harry Potter!"

TOM: Oh great another crossover Fanfic!

>This story was written to the cause of a lot of sugar, soda pop, and Power Bars. And out of pure boredom. I’ve included my 2 Harry Potter characters:

CROW: Let's see how many names I can think up!
HARRY POTTER
MYSTERY OF MAGIC
RON

>Andrea: (pronounced Ahn-dre-uh)

CROW: Oh yeah well my name is pronounced "krõ."

>an American brown-haired blue-eyed hydromaniac and animal lover at heart.

TOM: Well isn't everybody an animal lover at heart?

Ciara: (pronounced See-are-uh) Harry’s American twin sister only without glasses...

JOEL: Wait! How can she be Harry's twin sister if she doesn't have glasses!

>and a lightning bolt scar on her wrist.

TOM: This is what happens when you sit under a tree in a lightning storm!

>Now let us begin the fic!

TOM: Didn't it already begin?

>*Scene begins with the “Eds” walking around the neighborhood*

JOEL: So let me get this straight, the scene begins with the so-called Eds walking around the neighborhood?

>Eddy: So what do you guys wanna do?

CROW (Edd and Ed): How about not being in this fic!

>Edd: Well, I’d like to go on an insect nature hunt for my new addition to my bug collection.

TOM: Yes. Go to Africa to find the bug! Anything to get away from this fic!

>Ed: Skip to my Lou my darling!

CROW: Are you saying or singing that?

>Eddy: I just had to ask!

CROW: Well you didn't have to ask, if you didn't ask then there would be no fic!
Smooth move!

>*Suddenly, Andrea zooms past them on her Dragonfly 1000*

TOM: That's the new ACME Dragonfly 1000!

>Andrea: RUN AWAY BROOM! RUN AWAY BROOM!

JOEL: I've heard of flying brooms, but running brooms?!

>*Ciara zooms by on her Purple Thunderbolt*

Ciara: Hang on Drea!

TOM (Ciara): We're coming in for a crash landing!

>*Ron zooms by*

CROW: Oh great here comes the loser of the story (every Fanfic has one)!

>Ron: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

JOEL (Ron): I'm a flying loser!

>*Harry zooms by*

TOM: Didn't he used to be a big, blue, fuzzy, monster on Sesame Street?

>Harry: Ron! Look out!

JOEL (Harry): What a loser!

>*Ron runs into street lamp...

TOM (Harry): Oh great, the loser's dead! Let's celebrate!

>as Draco, Hermione, and Ginny catch up to them*

CROW: Shot! He's not dead!

>Hermione: Could you guys maybe slow down a bit?!

TOM (Ron): WHAT?

CROW (Hermione): I said could you guys slow down a bit?

TOM (Ron): WHAT?

CROW (Hermione): I said could you guys slow down a bit?

TOM (Ron): WHAT?

CROW (Hermione): I said COULD YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT?!

>Harry: Ron! Ron, can you hear me?

CROW: So Ron's deaf?

>Ginny: Hey, where are Ciara and Andrea?

TOM (Harry): Beats me, Ginny. Maybe they didn't want to be in this Fanfic!

>*Andrea emerges from bush covered in twigs and leaves*

CROW (Andrea): We were hiding from Ron the loser!

>Ciara: Are you okay, Andrea?

TOM (Andrea): Despite all the broken bones in my body, I'm OK!

>Andrea: Yeah, I’m okay, thanks C. *starts to pull twigs and leaves off and looks at broom* Aww man! My broom’s busted! They don’t make Dragonflies any more!

TOM: Yes that's right ACME is no longer making Dragonflies just Dragonfly 1000s!

>Ciara: Well, at least you have an excuse so your parents can buy you a Water Dragon 2000.

TOM: Sadly ACME doesn't makes those anymore either!

>Andrea: I guess you’re right.

TOM (Ciara): Do ya really think so?

CROW (Andrea): No!

>Eddy: Did you see that? They just came zooming in! ON BROOMSTICKS!

CROW: What's a matter? Ya never saw a broomstick before?

JOEL: Looks like were back in Ed, Edd, and Eddy land now!

>Edd: Well you don’t see that everyday!

TOM: No. And you don't see an Ed, Edd, and Eddy/Harry Potter crossover everyday either!

>Ed: Cool! I wanna touch the flying broom! *Runs to HP group*

CROW: I've got a strong feeling that something weird is going to happen to him!

>Draco: Uh-oh! A muggle!

CROW: Hey, JOEL, what's a muggle?

JOEL: Sorry, CROW, I don't know what a muggle is.

>Ed: I wanna fly on the broomstick!

TOM: Hey kid, do you want to end up like Ron?

>Hermione: PETRIFICIUS TOTALLUS! *Ed freezes*

JOEL: Oh great now were at the beginning at a Road Runner cartoon!

TOM: Ed (Idioicus-Stupidious)

>Edd: Incredible! He’s paralyzed!

CROW (Eddy): Again?! I thought he just got out of his coma!

>Eddy: How’d she do that?! That’s not normal!

TOM (Eddy): Neither am I!

>Edd: Eddy . . . .

JOEL: No it's not Edd, Eddy! It's Ed, Edd, and Eddy!

>Eddy: WHAT?!

TOM (Edd): I don't know what?

>Eddy: Spit it out double D!

CROW (Edd): I can't spit on camera!

>Edd: That they’re sorcerers and sorceresses!

CROW (Eddy): What about that Ron? He's neither of those! He's a loser!

>Eddy: No way! People will come for miles to see them do magic!

TOM: Hey, it's true kid!

>Andrea: With all due respect, WE DON’T WANT TO BE ANYONE’S SLAVES!

TOM (Eddy): Aw come on be our slaves. We could move down
South and while you "slaves" pick cotten we get all the dough!

>Andrea: We’re already on the run from Voldemort!

JOEL: Wow! We have a loser AND a villian in this Fanfic!
This story has everything!

>Ron: SAY “YOU KNOW WHO”!

TOM (Ron): How do you like my Woody Woodpecker impression?

CROW (Harry): He says "Guess Who" not "You Know Who," Ron!

>Andrea: Shut up, Ron!

TOM: It's about time somone noticed how dumb Ron is!

>Hermione: Wow, she’s got the guts to yell at her boyfriend! *Andrea glares at her* Um, a penny for your thoughts, Andrea

>Andrea: AQUARIUS! * Huge jet of water comes out of her wand and splashes Hermione*

TOM: More Road Runner references!

>Hermione: Oh great! Now I’m soaked!

CROW (Andrea): Just a little April Fools prank I play!

>Andrea: Sorry, Herm! SUN SPARK! *Tiny sun comes out of her wand and dries Hermione*

CROW: SUN SPARK I CHOOSE YOU!

>Harry: Well, we’re stuck here for a while, until we find a broom shop for Andrea. Hermione, can you make a tent for us?

CROW (Eddy): NOOO! Get out of town or I'll blow your heads off!

>Hermione: Sure! *Raises wand and makes 2 tents appear*

>Edd: Forgive me if I seem rude, but who is Voldemort?

[Pietro]

(JOEL, TOM, and CROW exit the theater. Doors slam as we return to the living quarters. TOM is in an owl suit.)

JOEL: Hey, TOM! What are you doing?

TOM: Well, JOEL and CROW I'm the Mystery of Magic!

CROW: Who's that?

TOM: It's an annoying owl who flys around.
What do ya think? Huh? Pretty Cool?

CROW: That's nothing new I see owls in space everyday!

JOEL: Hey guys look! There's the real Mystery of Magic!

(Joel points to an off-screen owl)

MYSTERY OF MAGIC: Hoot! Hoot!

CROW: Is that all you can say?

MYSTERY OF MAGIC: Hoot! Hoot!

TOM: You're really stupid aren't you?
And I thought Ron was a loser!

MYSTERY OF MAGIC: Hoot! Hoot!

JOEL: What are ya gonna do about it wise guy?

(siren goes off)

JOEL, CROW, TOM: It's Fanfic sign!

[Pietro]

(Doors open into the theater. Onscreen, a web browser is downloading the rest of the fanfic. CROW and JOEL, who is carrying TOM SERVO, enter the theater and sit down.)

>Draco: One of the most feared wizards of all time. He’s extremely strong and extremely dangerous.

TOM (Draco):...and he owns a store with extreme prices!

>Eddy: And why is he chasin’ you guys?

CROW (Harry): That's easy! Because he hates our books!

>Andrea: He’s chasing Harry and Ciara because he wants to kill them.

TOM: Doesn't eveyone?!

>Edd: Why does he want to kill Harry and Ciara?

CROW (Harry): It's like I said before, he hates our books!

>Ginny: Because, Harry and Ciara are the reasons why he lost all his energy a long time ago.

CROW (Harry): Now he's just some old man who throws stuff at us.
We call him Old Man Voldemort!

>Edd: How fascinating! Wait. Are Harry and Ciara twins?

TOM: It's at the beginning of this fic, STUPID!

>Ciara: Yeah.

>Edd: And what about the rest of you?

TOM (Ciara): We're all cool except Ron who's a loser!

>Ciara: He’s after Andrea because she’s…well . . .a princess.

>Eddy: A princess, huh? Yeah right!

TOM: I couldn't agree with you more my friend!

>Andrea: Oh, and you think you’re related to royalty?

CROW (Eddy): I'm the king of England. Is that royal?

>Eddy: Actually, I happen to be-

>Ed: The prince of the giant meatballs that attacked earth in “On Top of Spaghetti, Part 3”!

TOM (Andrea): Ron and Ed oughta get together sometime, they'd make great friends!

>Eddy: Uh, no Ed. I’m really-

CROW (Eddy): A badly drawn cartoon character!

>Ed: A peanut and jelly sandwich!

JOEL: Oh great now we're talking about the food pyramid!

>Eddy: No Ed, that’s Rolf. I am-

>Ed: BUTTERED TOAST!

JOEL: More food pyramid facts?

>Eddy: Would you shut up!?

TOM: It's about time somone noticed how dumb Ed is!

>Edd: “Shut up please,” Eddy. Say please.

TOM (Edd):....and Thank You!

>Eddy: Okay Mom! Shut up PLEASE Ed.

CROW: What about "Thank You"? You forgot "Thank You"!

>Ed: Jimmy cracked corn and I don’t care!

TOM: Hey JOEL? I thought Ed was frozen what happened?

JOEL: I think the person who wrote this Fanfic lost track of that!

>Eddy: *To HP people* Ignore him, he was dropped on his head as a child…more than once.

TOM: Ed's history in a nutshell!

>Ciara: *Sarcastically* Really? I had no idea.

CROW: Hey! It's Mandy from "The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy!"

>Edd: ANYWAY! You were saying why Voldemort is chasing you?

>Andrea: Yes. He killed my family, and now he’s after me.

CROW (Harry): I'm tellin' ya it's because he hates our books!

>Draco: My father was once a Death Eater, and now he’s after me and my dad to try and take us back to the dark side.

JOEL: Your father sounds like the Grim Reaper!

>Ron: He’s after Me, Ginny, and Hermione because . . .well . . .why is he after us, Herm?

TOM (Ron): Duh, I'm such a loser I don't know why Voldemort is chasing me!

>Hermione: Because he’s mad and needs to kill more than 4 people?

JOEL: Just a little thing he does to relieve his anger!

>Ron: Hey, works for me.

TOM (Ron): Because I WANT to get killed!

>Edd: I see . . .

>Ginny: And apparently, we’re stuck here until we find a broom shop so Andrea can get a new broom.

>Ed: I’m a barnacle!

>Harry: I’ve got a feeling that this will take a looooooooooong time.

TOM: Yeah, with Ron and Ed around it might take 100 years!

>Sailor_Sorceress: Will the HP group get on the move before Voldemort finds them? Will Eddy be self-absorbed for all eternity? Will Ed ever get a real brain?

CROW: I DON'T KNOW! ASK THEM!

>Ed: *Singing* If I only had a brain . . .

JOEL: Oh great now we're in "The Wizard of Oz"!

>Sailor_Sorceress: *Sweatdrops* Find out in part 2!

CROW: No, I'm not gonna read that either!

[Pietro]

(JOEL, TOM, and CROW exit the theater. Doors slam as we return to the living quarters.)

JOEL: Hey! The Mystery of Magic left a note!

CROW: I'll read it. (clears his throat) "Improper use of Magic - Mystery of Magic."

TOM: That was a stupid letter! I was expecting something cool from him!

JOEL: Yeah well what do ya expect! What do you think sirs?

DR. FORRESTER and FRANK: BUTTERED TOAST!

>"BUTTERED TOAST!"

(MST3K property of Best Brains, Inc, Harry Potter is property of J. K. Rowling, and Ed, Edd, and Eddy is property of Cartoon Network used without permission.)