MST3k: "Care Bears take over the World"

[Pietro]

In the not-too-distant future, next Sunday A.D.
There was a guy named Joel, not too different from you or me.
He worked at Gizmonic Institute, just another face in a red jumpsuit.
He did a good job cleaning up the place, but his bosses didn't like him,
so they shot him into space.

TV's FRANK: We'll send him cheezy movies, the worst we can find!

DR. FORRESTER and FRANK: La, la, la!

DR. FORRESTER: He'll have to sit and watch them all, and we'll monitor his mind!

DR. FORRESTER and FRANK: La, la, la!

Now keep in mind Joel can't control where the movies begin or end
(DR. FORRESTER and FRANK: La, la, la!)
Because he used those special parts to make his robot friends.
Robot roll call!

CAMBOT: Pan left!

GYPSY: Hi, girl!

TOM SERVO: What a cool guy!

CROOOW: What a wisecracker!

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts
(DR. FORRESTER and FRANK: La, la, la!)
Just repeat to yourself, It's just a show, I should really just relax
For Mystery Science Theater 3000!

(Doors open into The Satellite of Love. JOEL, CROW, TOM SERVO eating space food)

JOEL: Hi, everyone! Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Joel.
This is Crow...

CROW: Hey!

JOEL: And Tom.

TOM SERVO: What's Up!

JOEL: Were just trying out this new space food we just recently got.

CROW: There's Chips, Cheese Pizza!
What more could you ask for!

(Eats some of it and spits it out.)

CROW: This tastes like a piece of crud!

TOM: It can't be THAT bad!

(CROW gives TOM the space food.
TOM spits it out after taking a bite.)

TOM: It tastes like junk!

JOEL: Aw come on guys! It can't be that bad!

CROW: Oh yes it can JOEL!

(CROW gives JOEL some of the space food.
JOEL eats it and actually likes it.)

JOEL: This isn't half bad!

CROW: Aw come on JOEL!

JOEL: The Mads are calling!

(Onscreen: the "Mads," DR. FORRESTER and his assistant TV'S FRANK.)

DR. FORRESTER: Hello, Joel! I was thinking that we get to the invention exchange, what do you think?

JOEL: That's fine. My invention this week is the space food tasting pill. Eat it right before the next time you want space food, so this way when you eat the space food after eating the pill it'll taste great!

DR. FORRESTER: It's OK but, our invention is even better - it's a new drink.

TV's FRANK: That's right, it rearranges your taste buds so you can
enjoy space food.

JOEL: Hey! That's not fair you stole my idea again!

DR. FORRESTER: Anyway, today's fanfic is called "Care Bears Take Over the World"
It's based on bears from a 1980s kiddie show who try to take over the world.

(siren goes off)

JOEL, CROW, TOM: It's Fanfic sign!

[Pietro]

(Doors open into the theater. Onscreen, a web browser is downloading the fanfic. CROW and JOEL, who is carrying TOM SERVO, enter the theater and sit down.)

>"Care Bears take over the World"

CROW: Didn't that already happen in the 80s?

>Rated: PG-13

TOM: Sorry folks! It's original rating was RDF for Dreally Dumb Fanfic.

>Disclaimer: I own nothing in my story and wish to never own anything from it.

JOEL: So he wishes he never wrote this story?

>Chapter 1: The Plan

TOM: Plan 9 from Outer Space

>::secret lab in the core of the earth::

CROW: How so they're in hell?

>Mean Bear: I have an idea boss.

CROW (Jack Benny): Not now Rochester!

TOM (Rochester): But Boss it's really important!

>Boss Bear (BB): What is your plan Mean Bear?

JOEL: Plan? Plan? Oh, the plan! Well, my dog ate it!

>Mean Bear: We should buy some C-4 from those humans on Earth and blow up one city at a time.

CROW (Boss Bear imitating an Ape from "Planet of the Apes"): Damn those humans! Damn them to hell!"

>BB: But that could take years for us to pay for all of that C-4. I was hoping I would hear something better from you Mean Bear. I was expecting to hear something like that from Stupid Bear.

TOM (Mean Bear): Well, ya see, the truth is, I AM a stupid bear!

>::bear heaven::

CROW: I thought we were in bear hell.

>God Bear (GB): Happy Bear, we should do something for those humans that saved us from the Boss Bear.

CROW: It's Rochester again!

TOM (Rochester): Boss? Boss?

>Happy Bear (H Bear): Like what God Bear?

JOEL (God Bear): Like joining with those bad bears in the middle of the earth
to take over the world!

>GB: Like give them all some sort of treat or something. We should give them all a hug.

CROW (God Bear): Then we could call on the evil bears to make the humans our slaves!

>H Bear: Maybe a teddy bear to all the little kids.

CROW (God Bear): No, how about all the bears get together and send those humans to Mars!

>GB: Perfect. ::soft, sweet voice:: Get all the bears in Care Bear Land to start making those teddy bears. Send down Angel Bear, Sweet Bear, Hug Bear and Cute Bear to give everyone a hug. Then send Love Bear to make everyone love one another. ::yelling:: NOW GET TO WORK!!!

TOM: Temper, temper!

>H Bear: What a wonderful God for us bears. Always treating us nicely, giving us good jobs, giving us compliments...

CROW (Happy Bear):....and yelling at us!

[Pietro]

(JOEL, TOM, and CROW exit the theater. Doors slam as we return to the living quarters. TOM and CROW are wearing bear suits.)

JOEL: Hey, CROW, hey, TOM! What are you guys doing?

CROW: Well, Joel we thought we could take over you puny humans.

TOM: That's right! I, TOM BEAR and my friend CROW BEAR plan to give all the kids
teddy bears and then wipe out the human race! What do you think?

JOEL: Well, uh....

(siren goes off)

JOEL, CROW, TOM: It's Fanfic sign!

[Pietro]

(Doors open into the theater. Onscreen, a web browser is downloading the rest of the fanfic. CROW and JOEL, who is carrying TOM SERVO, enter the theater and sit down.)

>::while Happy Bear goes on about God Bear and how nice he is all the bears in the core of the earth plan something evil::

TOM: They make everyone read this Fanfic!

>BB: GET TO WORK ALL OF YOU. START AT THE DRAWING BOARD AND THINK OF AN EVIL PLOT! I WANT TO GET BACK AT GOD BEAR FOR WHAT HE DID TO ME! I STILL HAVE A SCAR FROM IT!!!

CROW (Boss Bear): Hurry up! We gotta have this cartoon in by Thursday or else Disney
will fire us!

>Mean Bear: Okay. Stupid Bear and Evil Bear, work together to figure out a plan that’s very evil and stupid. So stupid that not even those nice bears could think of.

JOEL: So that's why you assigned this mission to Evil and Stupid Bear!

>Stupid Bear: .....Uhhh...... Uh.....

TOM (Stupid Bear): Duh, George! Which way did the fox go George?

>Evil Bear: You got it!

CROW (Evil Bear): Wait! can we hire my friend, Evil Con Carne?

>::2 days later::

CROW: The Earth is blown up by insane bears.

>Evil Bear: Mean Bear!

CROW (Ren - of the "Ren & Stimpy" fame): You idot!

>Evil Bear: We got it!

TOM (Yogi Bear): We got the picnic basket!

>Evil Bear: We know what the plan is going to be! We thought it up. It might have taken us two days but we found it out!

TOM (Evil Bear): It might've even taken us 100 years!

>Evil Bear: Tell him Stupid Bear! ::grins evilishly::

CROW (Stupid Bear): Duh, I won't tell him unless you tell me where you're hiding the fox George!

>Stupid Bear: Uhhh...... Uh... Uhhh...

JOEL: Is that all you can say?

>Evil Bear: First we have to go to the transporter to get Bear Heaven.

JOEL (Evil Bear): That wasn't my idea!

>Evil Bear: Then we dress up like the nice bears do and listen to some of their names and make one up like theirs.

JOEL: But you already have a bear with a nice bear-type name, "Stupid Bear"!

>Evil Bear: Then we go down to Earth with them and go into the human’s houses and pretend to be nice then pull out our rifles and start shooting the place down.

TOM (Yosemite Sam): We'll shoot up the place and shoot that rabbit!

>Evil Bear: But before we shoot the house down...

CROW (Evil Bear): We'll blow it UP!

>Evil Bear: ...we have to shoot the Care Bears so they die and then we can pretend like we’re the real Care Bears and go to every house in the world and do that.

TOM: Great idea! Because if you kill the Care Bears then there would be no
Fanfic to read call "The Care Bears take over the world!"

>Mean Bear: Perfect plan. ::high pitched laugh:: Mua ha ha ha.

JOEL: Kids! Don't try swallowing helium gas at home! Or you'd end up sounding like Mean Bear!

>That was just the first chapter. As soon as I post the next chapter read it.

CROW: I'll be sure not to!

[Pietro]

(JOEL, TOM, and CROW exit the theater. Doors slam as we return to the living quarters.)

JOEL: That Fanfic was stupid!

CROW: Yeah!

TOM: Hey guys! Did you meet my new friend Stupid Bear?

(Stupid Bear walks in.)

STUPID BEAR: Uhhh...... Uh... Uhhh...

CROW: Well I can't say I have Tom!

(They all stare at Stupid Bear)

TOM: You know what you are a stupid bear! Get outta here!

(Tom pushes him out.)

JOEL: Stupid Bear ladies and gentlemen! What do you think sirs?

DR. FORRESTER and FRANK: Uhhh...... Uh... Uhhh...

>"Uhhh...... Uh... Uhhh..."

(MST3K property of Best Brains, Inc, and Care Bears is property of A Nelvana Limited Productions, used without permission.)