Ask John

[Daniel P]

John is a friendly, likeable guy... Until you get to know him. Ask John ANYTHING you want... Ask him about sex, philosophy, food, or anything. Ask for advice. Ask for guidance. Because John is here to help you.

Before you get your answer from John, be aware that what you read is what comes straight from his keyboard. His secretaries have not edited his responses just in case they are a tad... rude, or maybe overwhelmingly sickening. Other than that, John's advice and answers are fool proof and you can't go wrong with it. (We do not claim responsibility for illegal/painful activities due to the advice John gives.)

So... ask away!

And no, my real name is not John. :p

[Watermelon]

I have a problem. My friend's friend's ex-friend's cousin's friend's grandpa's mom's son's friend's brother has a crush on me. Can you tell me what to do?

[Daniel P]

0:
Sneak up on him. He'll turn around to kiss you, and you pour toxic waste into his mouth. Then, while he's choking, jump on his stomach. He'll throw up the toxic waste that he didn't already swallow and it will land on your face. In a matter of minutes you'll both be dead.

[ProdigyCube]

Every girl I meet wants to have sex with me!

Is it my new toothpast?
Or am I just dead sexy?

Here's a pic:
http://www.atomandhispackage.com/graphics/ugly.jpg
What do you think?

[Creative Queen]

Everyone I know has Cleffa from the Neo Genesis set in Pokemon. I really want one, but I can't find the Neo Genesis packs anywhere, no one will give me one for free, or sell me one. Can you help me?

[Watermelon]

How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood?

[Daniel P]

PRODIGYCUBE:
You need more than toothpaste, pal.
The girls you meet are either hallucinations or they are retarded.

CREATIVE QUEEN:
Check E-Bay.

0:
What kind of a question was that? Why the hell would I give a damn about some beaver playing with wood? Next time you think about woodchucks chucking wood, eat a working razer and you'll never worry about it again. In fact, you'll never worry about ANYTHING again, but the principle is the same.

[Watermelon]

Why am I green?

[Creative Queen]

What if you you can't buy anything off the interent because you don't have money, your parents won't let you, unless it is for Yu-Gi-Oh! cards, or bid on ebay because of not knowing what may happen?

[Parallax]

How can I take over the world?

[Daniel P]

0:
Your mother drank castor oil when she was pregnant with you. Would you like a fool proof cure?

CREATIVE QUEEN:
Just steal them from somebody.

SSJGOGETA4:
I suggest chopping off Osama Bin Laden's legs. Then, hang him. Tell George W. Bush that you killed him and you'll get a huge reward. Use the money to bribe the US government. If they don't let you take complete control of the United Nations, threaten to bomb Vatican City, the White House, and the Eiffel Tower. They will immediately give you all power.

[Watermelon]

Is this a question?

[Daniel P]

0:
If your sentence ended in a question mark (?), it is a question. Are you an elementary school drop-out, by any chance? (By the way, that last sentence was a question.)

[Watermelon]

I'm starting an advince column called "What's your problem". Any advice?

[Daniel P]

0:
My advice: whenever anyone asks for advice, make sure that they understand how stupid they are. Make them feel bad and worthless. Then give them nice advice and they will think that you saved their life. Then you'll become rich and kill the President.

[Watermelon]

Help! I can't decide to see Treasure Planet or 8 Crazy Nights! Which should I chose?

[Daniel P]

0:
See both. No one's stopping you. If they are, try karate.

[coolman86]

Boxers or Briefs?

[Daniel P]

COOLMAN86:
Your fortune will tell you.
If you are vegetarian and your favorite color is pink, definitely boxers.
If you live in a cave and eat mosquitoes on Tuesdays, boxers.
If you are a police officer with splinters set on fire stuck on your scalp, briefs.
If you are something else, then I don't know. It's your decision, really.

[Creative Queen]

What if you steal something that you are not to touch, then get grounded by your parents, and is forced to pay that back? My brother did that once to buy a yo-yo and got grounded for a long time. Why steal when you're going to get grounded because your parents make you tell them everything about your day? And you can't lie because your parents can tell when you lie?

[Daniel P]

CREATIVE QUEEN:
Your parents might be defective. Try getting some new ones at your local CHARTER headquarters.

[Watermelon]

|)()ES Th|s L00K G()()|)?

[Daniel P]

0:
No. It looks retarded. Why are your questions dumb? John likes to answer serious questions. John might send an assasin to your home.

[Watermelon]

I have a problem. My firneds told me to kill the pricepal. Now, as much as I want to do this, I don't want to get in trouble. If I don't, I will probably be killed. So do you know what I should do?

[Daniel P]

0:
Kill your principal. You can stop anyone who's trying to get you into trouble by peeing on them. The last thing they'd think about is the principal after that.

[Ikwig]

There is this alien following me around - he's really cute and has gorgeous hands, but, he is, you know, an alien (from another planet, not another country), so I'm a bit disturbed by his presence. Should I ignore him, get rid of him or ask him out on a date?

[Daniel P]

IKWIG:
Ask him out on a date. It's not like you're already married.

[Nick at Knight]

Lol, this thread is ingenious.

Okay...

In an honest opinion, how come there is no blueberry ice cream flavor? They have strawberry and hell, two different kinds of raspberries (regular and black), but how come blueberry does not have its own flavor?

And if there is a legitimate flavor, can you tell me where I may purchase some?

[Creative Queen]

All right, new question.

There are these boys that are always looking at me like they are trying to strip me naked in their minds. This is at school, by the way. What's worse is that one of them is hitting on my best friend and the other two are my worst enemies. My parents won't let me go on dates until I'm 16 and I hate these guys. What should I do?

[Daniel P]

NICK AT KNIGHT:
I have no idea where this "Blue Raspberry" comes from. Raspberries are red. Maybe "Blue Raspberry" is a secret code name for Blueberry, or even blackberry, or boysenberry, with a lot of sugar added. The ice cream industry can do what it wants to -- they have all the power. :o

CREATIVE QUEEN:
I'll be honest with you. If you have a good body, you should be expecting boys to be stripping you naked in their minds. It's part of this thing called "hormones." It won't be long until they are stripping you naked alive. Your friend is getting hit on early. The boys are your worst enemies? They don't think so -- if they are stripping you naked in their minds, they probably think you're sexy.

[Nick at Knight]

Say if you were to come up behind someone and tickle them (to surprise them) and their head was to explode, would you be charged with murder?

I mean I've contemplated on this and I came up with these arguments.

Their head exploding means that they would be dead, and you were the direct cause of that

But you had no intention of having that person's head exploding when you went to tickle them

From a court standpoint, how would you go about solving this case?

[Creative Queen]

Oh, yes, they know that they are my worst enemies. They know when not to cross me. Well, what they are doing, at least in my school, is sexual harrassment. The other day, one of them touched my butt. Should I tell my counsenlor now or wait until it gets uncontrolable?

[Cyber E.]

John....

Why can't human's fly yet? We have seen birds and made planes but we can't do it be ourselves. Do we have a mental disability that we forgot how to?

[Lucky Bob]

So...where are you from?

[Daniel P]

NICK AT KNIGHT:
If I were the judge, you wouldn't be in trouble. If someone's head explodes, it's their fault.

CREATIVE QUEEN:
Telling a counselor doesn't solve anything. Counselors are the most evil people in the world (besides telemarketers) and you should avoid them. If you want the boys to stop following you, get them hooked on some other girls.

THE VENOM:
Well, the scientists say that we can do anything with the proper determination and will power, but that's a load of cockroach dung. Apparently, we only use up to 10% of our brain cells, or something like that, and if we used more, we could fly. But the problem is that we are talking about human beings. They still have cannibals in some parts of the world (that shows you how advanced we are), so I think that flying without machines is not possible for us yet.

LUCKYBOB1985:
I'm where ever you are. In fact, I'm stalking you.

[Cyber E.]

Where do you get all your funny and witty comments?

[Creative Queen]

You wrong on counserlors. My counserlor at school helps me witth all my problems, so I go to her for guidence. These boys all ready have girlfriends and don't wan't to leave them, yet they wish to flirt with me. My mother says to tell the principal or the dean at school when I can't go to the counserlor. Should I go to the dean or the principal?

[Watermelon]

Hyptheticly, suppose I killed a country police man and buried him in a circus. One day a demented clown found him and was moved to pity. I saw the whole thing happen and felt terribale. The police took him away. One saw me and said, 'I'm watching you'. The man was also taken away and buried away. Then I found out that the man I killed was my farther. What should I do?

[Nick at Knight]

NICK AT KNIGHT:
If I were the judge, you wouldn't be in trouble. If someone's head explodes, it's their fault.


Thank you, sir. =o

*goes off on a tickling spree*

[coolman86]

When time time begin. When will it end? and is there a life after death?

[Daniel P]

THE VENOM:
I read "Dilbert."

CREATIVE QUEEN:
Flip a coin to choose. The boys sound like cheaters to me.

0:
You're in a mess. You shouldn't have killed your dad. Anyway, just get a new name and move to a poor third-world country and you will look rich because you're American.

COOLMAN86:
Time began a long time ago, before the invention of the radio. Time will end in a long time, after the invention of the radio. And the last part of your question - it depends on what your religion is.

[coolman86]

Whats the best thing that happend ever?

What is Testicular cancer?

Have you seen Jackass the movie? if so was it good?

[Daniel P]

COOLMAN86:

Whats the best thing that happend ever?It hasn't happened yet, but when I own every Muppet Show episode and movie ever created on DVD.


What is Testicular cancer?Why the heck would I know?


Have you seen Jackass the movie? if so was it it good?Haven't seen it.

[coolman86]

Can you loan me 5 dollars?

[Daniel P]

COOLMAN86:
No. If I had $5 I would I have spent it by now.

[coolman86]

Do you have 5 dollars now, if so can i borrow it?

[Daniel P]

COOLMAN86:
No.