MST3K: ''SpongeBob Squarepants Isn't a Pokemon! (Or Is He?)''

[don Jaime]

In the not-too-distant future, somewhere in Time and Space
Mike Nelson and his robot pals are caught in a nasty place
They'll try to survive the wrath of Pearl
Just an evil gal who wants to rule the world
From her castle below she sets her sights above
Just to torture all her captives on the Satellite of Love.

MIKE NELSON: Get! Me! DOOOOOOWN!

PEARL FORRESTER: I'll send him cheezy movies, the worst I can find!

PROFESSOR BOBO and OBSERVER: La, la, la!

PEARL: He'll have to sit and watch them all, and I'll monitor his mind!

BOBO and OBSERVER: La, la, la!

Now keep in mind Mike can't control where the movies begin or end
(BOBO and OBSERVER: La, la, la!)
He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his robot friends.
Robot roll call!

CAMBOT: You're on!

GYPSY: I'm a star!

TOM SERVO: Check me out!

CROOOW: I'm different!

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes and other science facts
(BOBO and OBSERVER: La, la, la!)
Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a show, I should really just relax
For Mystery Science Theater 3000."


(The Satellite of Love. MIKE NELSON, CROW, GYPSY, and TOM SERVO are sorting slides.)

MIKE NELSON: Hi, everyone! Welcome to the Satellite of Love. My name's Mike, and this is Gypsy...

GYPSY: Hi!

MIKE: Crow...

CROW: Hey!

MIKE: And Tom.

TOM SERVO: Yo!

MIKE: We're reorganizing our photo collection. These slides are all we have left to do.

CROW: Hey, here's a good one of all of us! Well, almost. Tom's not in it.

TOM: I have to be in it. I'm very photogenic.

CROW: Well, you aren't. See? There's Mike, and Gypsy's behind him, and I'm in front, and off to the left is Bugs Bunny. Funny how Bugs looks like a gumball machine mounted on a coin bank, huh? (Laughs wickedly.)

TOM: Damn it, Crow, not another one! Do you always have to make bunny ears behind my head when I get my picture taken?!

CROW: Of course I have to! And do you know why?

TOM: Why?

CROW: Watashi wa kawaii!

(TOM stares at CROW in disbelief, then bursts out laughing. CROW and GYPSY also laugh. MIKE doesn't.)

MIKE: I don't get it.

CROW: It's Japanese for, "I'm so cute!"

TOM: It's sort of like, "You know whut? Chicken butt!" Only it's for otakus.

CROW: Yeah, all the otakus are doing it.

MIKE: What's an otaku?

CROW: You don't know what an otaku is?

MIKE: No.

CROW: Oh, then you must be a baka.

MIKE: I don't know what that is, either.

TOM: Figures.

GYPSY: An otaku is a fan of anime and manga, Mike.

MIKE: And those are...?

TOM, CROW, and GYPSY: Arrrgh!

MIKE: (Laughs.) Kidding, kidding! So, you guys are deep into Japanimation.

CROW: No, we like anime and manga.

TOM: We don't say Japanimation, even though I just did. It's not a nice term.

MIKE: Oh. Sorry. I didn't know....

TOM: Yeah, we get a lot of that. Most bakas just don't understand how much fun anime and manga can be.

MIKE: Well, I like anime and stuff. I liked the "Escaflowne" show that was on Fox....

CROW: No, you didn't.

MIKE: I didn't?

TOM: Nobody did. The dubbers butchered it.

MIKE: I didn't know.

TOM: We're going to have to cure you of this. How about if you come to the next Otakucon?

MIKE: That's a convention, I hope?

CROW: Yup. Next month, in fact. Don't worry, we'll kit you out. I'll get a lovely cotton bento for you to wear, and onsen for your feet.

TOM: And I'll pack you a katana and a yukata for a snack.

CROW: And I can teach you to sing a ryokan!

TOM: And I can teach you how to dance the ramen! When you go to the Otakucon, you'll be all set!

MIKE: And nobody will know I'm a baka?

TOM: Nah, they'll have you pegged the moment you're through the door.

MIKE: How?!

GYPSY: I'll tell you later, Mike.

MIKE: Okay. Pearl's calling.


(Onscreen: PEARL FORRESTER and her minions, PROFESSOR BOBO the ape and the OBSERVER alien.)

PEARL FORRESTER: So, Mike, ready for this week's experiment?

MIKE: Um, no, not yet. We're still reorganizing our photos. Could take a while.

PEARL: Well, get it in gear. I want you to squirm and I want you to do it quick. I've got other chores to attend to besides your weekly torture session, you know.

PROFESSOR BOBO: That's right! We've got eating, sleeping, scratching to do, there's bananas hanging over a big pile of boxes I have to get down somehow....

OBSERVER: There's your monthly flea and tick dip....

BOBO: Oh! Oh! I was hoping you had forgotten that one.

PEARL: Well, I haven't. I've been dreading it all day. You got the economy size flea collar, right, Brain Guy?

OBSERVER: Waiting in the washroom even as we speak.

BOBO: Not the collar! It's itchy!

OBSERVER: So are fleas and ticks.

BOBO: But they taste good.

MIKE: You know, it strikes me that you could use Observer's telekenetic powers to rid Bobo of vermin instantly.

PEARL: Hey, you're right! Why didn't I think of that? (To OBSERVER.) And more importantly, why didn't you think of that?

OBSERVER: Sorry! Slipped my mind. It's very easy to forget your omnipotence when you don't use it every day. One moment.

(OBSERVER concentrates as strange ethereal music plays. BOBO flashes, and is wearing a flea collar and covered in fine white powder.)

BOBO: (Scratching.) Ah! Ooh! Oh! Ah! Itchy, itchy, itchy!

PEARL: And there we are! Plenty of time for me to send your experiment, Nelson. It's called "SpongeBob Squarepants Isn't a Pokemon!" and features about a hundred other kiddie shows. Enjoy!

MIKE: Wait, what about our photos?

PEARL: Brain Guy!

(OBSERVER concentrates to ethereal music. The photos instantly organize.)

TOM: Hey, cool! Can you fix these so Crow isn't making bunny ears behind me in every one of them?

OBSERVER: Of course. (Concentrates to music.) There! No more bunny ears.

CROW: Hey, no fair! Just a few bunny ears? Pleeeease?

OBSERVER: Oh, all right. (Concentrates to music.) There. Half with bunny ears.

TOM: That's too many!

OBSERVER: (Concentrates to music.) A fifth with bunny ears.

CROW: That's not enough!

OBSERVER: (Tiring, but concentrates to music.) A third with bunny ears. Whew.

TOM: Still too many!

PEARL: Quit stalling and get in the theater! I'm sending the fic regardless.

MIKE: Shoot. Come on, guys. See you, Gyps'. (Brushes the stacks of slides and photos, which fall to the floor.) Oops. Brain Guy, could you....

OBSERVER: No! NO! I can't TAKE this anymore! I can't be EVERYTHING to EVERYONE! AAAAAAH!

BOBO: Phooey, now he's going to sit in the corner and suck his thumb all day again. Who's going to help me get those bananas down now?!

TOM: We'll help!

(Lights flash and sirens blare.)

CROW: Rats.

MIKE: Too late now, it's FANFIC SIGN!

[don Jaime]

(Doors open into the theater, where the fanfic is already downloading. MIKE, TOM, and CROW enter and sit down.)

>SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS ISN'T A POKEMON!

TOM: Well, nuh duh!

CROW: In other news, sky blue, Pope Polish.

>(or is he?)

MIKE: Um, no.

TOM: That seems screamingly obvious.

CROW: I think SpongeBob Squarepants is proof aliens visited us in ancient times.

>Author: Cyber Blastoise

MIKE: Oh, goodie, an actual Pokemon wrote this. Three hundred pages of him saying his name over and over.

CROW: Cyber, Cyber, Cyber, Cyber Blastoise, Cyber Blastoise.

TOM: Cy? Blastoise! Cyber Blastoise!


>Okay, folks. You've only felt the tip of the iceberg of my insanity.

CROW: Cold, huh?

>Here's where I go bonkers!

MIKE: But, you just said you're already insane!


>(This has no connection to "Love is Undying")

TOM: That was a GOOD fic.

>(On the road to Viridian City.

MIKE: With Bob and Bing.

>Brock has replaced Tracy.)

CROW: My dear boy, Brock has succeeded Tracy. No one can replace him.

>Misty: So, what pokemon did you catch back there, Mr. Pokemon Master?

MIKE (Ash): My seventh. Only 254 more to go. What was I thinking, gotta catch 'em all? Phooey.

>Ash: A really weird one! Even weirder than you, Misty.

TOM (Ash): I caught a Pokemon that can stand my presence!

CROW (Misty): That is weird.

>Misty: (Starts to grow really big, flames in eyes, steam shooting out of ears.) WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

MIKE: She needs to check her pressure gauge.

TOM (Misty): I can't hear you! I have steam coming out of my ears!

>Ash: (calmly) You're sexy when you're angry, Mist.

CROW: How old is he again? Ew.

>Misty: OF ALL THE ROTTEN... huh? (blushes)

TOM: Doesn't that kind of mean she's sexy all the time?

>Ash: I said you look sexy when you're angry, Misty.

MIKE (Ash): And I said it calmly.

>Misty: (giggles) You naughty little (censored for sensitive viewers).

CROW: Hopefully, this means 18½ minutes of this fic were erased by accident.

>When we get hitched, I'm gonna.. (whispers into Ash's ears.)

TOM: Something truly unique in fan fiction -- they're saving themselves for marriage!

>Ash: Whoa. Well, in that case, I'll give you a.. (whispers into Misty's ears.)

MIKE (Ash): Bat upside the head if you speak filth like that to me again!

>Misty: (Smiling and blushing, starts nuzzling Ash's neck.) Purrr...

CROW (Misty): You smell like Fancy Feast.

>Brock: (To Pikachu) Geez. First they're mortal enemies, then they're Romeo and Juliet meets American Pie. Go figure.

CROW (Pikachu): Okay. 2 + 2 = 4, 4 + 4 = 8, 8 + 8....

TOM: Weren't Romeo and Juliet technically mortal enemies, what with the feud and all?

MIKE (Don McLean): And good old Veronans were drinking whiskey and rye....

>Pikachu: <Wonder what their kids would be like?>

TOM: Rock stupid would be my guess.

>(Brock and Pikachu look at each other, then at Ash and Misty, who are still kissing, then shudder.)

MIKE: Delayed reaction syndrome.

>Brock: THAT was VERY disturbing...

CROW (Brock): And it took me only fifteen minutes to figure that out.

>(Ash is walking along,

TOM: Still liplocked with Misty.

>when he runs into... guess whooo?)

CROW: An owl?

TOM: Pete Townsend?

MIKE: Tom Baker?

>Ash: Hey! Watch it, ya freak!

MIKE (Ash): Yeah, American woman, stay away from me!

>Girl: Exxxcuuussee me? You're the guy who should be watching it, bucko!

TOM: Steve Martin, transexual.

>Boy: This guy bothering you, Sere?

>Other Girls: Hey, wait up, guys!!

>(The group turns out to be no other than the cast of... SAILOR MOON!)

MIKE (Serena): Hi, we're here for the "Card Captor Sakura" crossover.

CROW (Ash): Oh, that's down the hall and to the right.

>Brock: Whoaa... Aduuhhh. (Starts drooling.)

TOM (Brock): Gotta boink 'em all, gotta boink 'em all!

>Ash: Who are you guys.. I mean, girls... I mean, guy and girls! Sheesh...

CROW (Ash): I have trouble distinguishing genders.

>Serena: I'm Serena.

MIKE (Serena): Wanna watch me change clothes behind a big flowing ribbon?

>Mina: I'm Mina

TOM (Mina): And this is the Count!

>Lita: The name's Lita

MIKE: We don't need to know all your names. Serena's the only important one.

>Rei: I'm Rei

TOM: Man, this is taking forever. Can we move it along, please?

CROW: Team Twerp, Team Lesbian, Team Lesbian, Team Twerp, now get to the plot!

>Ami: Ami.

MIKE: A delicious blend of fruit juices.

>Darien: I'm your future murderer.

TOM: He even has the little name tag that says, "HELLO! My name is YOUR FUTURE MURDERER."

>Ash: Eep!

>Pikachu: (Steps forward) Touch Ash and you're dead meat, pal!

TOM (Pikachu): Hey, since when do I speak clearly?

>Lita: Awww, what a cute wittle fella!

CROW (Lita): Bet I can merchandise the hell out of you!

>(Scoops Up Pikachu)

MIKE: Good thing she brought a plastic baggie.

TOM: Help keep Viridian City clean -- curb your Pokemon!

>Lita: Isn't you the cutest..

CROW: Nah, Badtz Maru has him beat by a mile.

>Ash: No, wait..!

>Lita: Wittle...

TOM (Pikachu): You already scooped after me, I guess I might as well widdle.

>Ash and Misty: NO! STOP!

CROW (Brock): You're giving us diabetes!

>Lita: Peeky Cheeky Woo-woo? (gives Pikachu Eskimo kiss.)

MIKE: Personally, I'd rather have an Eskimo Pie.

>Pikachu: (Really P'O'ed.) PIIIIIIIIIKKKKKAAAAAAACCCHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUU!!!!!!!

CROW (Pikachu): How dare you be nice to me!

>(Unleashes HUGE Thunderbolt attack, knocking everyone senseless)

TOM: They were all pretty senseless to begin with.

>Ash: He..coff.. hates.. hack.. being called that name.. ugghh..

MIKE (Ash): Just don't...choke...call him...gasp...Snooky-wooky Sweetums-feetums Woo-woo!

>Lita: So I noticed.. Ack..

CROW: She's Cathy Guisewite.

>(They brush off and decide to not call Pikachu any more names, lest another shock therapy session occur.)

TOM: That ain't stoppin' us! Chump!

CROW: Loser!

MIKE: Dweeb!

TOM: Bonehead!

CROW: Stinky!

MIKE: Feeb! Hey, I rhymed!

>Rei: (Looks at Togepi) Aww, what a cute wittle eggy-weggy!

TOM: Has she learned nothing?

>(Sticks finger near Togepi to tickle it, but Togepi bites it.)

TOM: Guess not.

CROW: Jesus, Ash, have you ever considered obedience school for your pets?

>Rei: OWWWW!!!! WHY YOU LITTLE...

MIKE (Rei): Snooky-wooky Sweetums-feetums Woo-woo!

>Misty: (laughs) Good one, Togepi!

TOM (Misty): I enjoy your random cruelty!

>Ash: (Grins evilly) Here's one you might like! (Tosses Pokeball, out pops.. CHARIZARD!)

CROW (Ash): He's delicious sauteed in a little butter.

>Rei: What a cool dragon! (Starts nuzzling Charizard)

MIKE (Charizard): Uh, lady, I'm a lizard....

>Charizard: (Growls in friendly manner) THIS girl I like!

TOM (Charizard): Unlike some girls, who are always encouraging their Togepis to bite my fingers.

>Brock: (Hearts in eyes.) Uh.. duh.. I'm Brock.. Doyouwannagooutwithme?

MIKE: Wow, Brock just hit on Charizard!

CROW: I could really do without species-shipping.

>Serena: (Points at Darien) Sorry, I'm taken.

TOM (Serena): Darien, take me anyplace but here.

>Lita & Rei: Us, too.

>Ami: Me three.

MIKE: Um, you're fourth.

>All: WHAT?!

CROW (All): Can't you count, Ami?

>Ami: Geez. Did you guys REALLY think me and Greg were JUST friends?

TOM (Billy Crystal): It's a scientific fact that men and women can't be friends without sex getting in the way.

>Misty: Spare us the details..

MIKE (Misty): Just wash the car, I can vacuum it myself.

>Rei: Puuh-leeze..

CROW (Charizard): Pardon me, but who am I supposed to be attacking?

>Mina: (Smiles seductivly) Brock, is it? That's soooo manly. (Kisses Brock.)

>Brock: WOOHOOWOOHOOWOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!

MIKE: Brock turned into Daffy Duck.

>(Starts bouncing around like a lovesick idiot.)

CROW: So, it's just another day for Brock.

>Mina: Maybe we should get together sometime?..

TOM (Mina): Like, when Hell freezes over?

>Brock: Author, if you will?

MIKE (Brock): Stop the fic, I want to get off!

>(Ring appears in Brock's hands.)

CROW: He won another go-round on the carousel.

>Brock: Will you marry me?

>Mina: (Blushes) Sure!

TOM (Mina): Who to?

>Brock: Bye! We're off to a deserted Island in the South-Pacific! (Picks up Mina and runs off.)

CROW (Brock): Four out of five doctors say we should take Tylenol with us!

>Ami: Always knew she was a seductive, self-centered, slu..

MIKE: Enough alliteration, Ami.

>Misty: (Clamps hand over Ami's mouth.)Don't say it! Togepi is very impressionable!

TOM : Then maybe you shouldn't be hanging around horndog Brock so much.

>(A weird guy with an extremely large nose walks up to Ash.)

MIKE: Gerard Depardieu!

>A.W.G.W.A.E.L.N: I am Mr. Wacked, and I challenge you, Mash Fetchum to a Hokeycon battle!

TOM (Ash): Shove off, I'm chatting up Sailor Scouts here!

>Ash: Okay, it's ASH KETCHUM, and it's called Pokemon, smart one! Do I have I choice?

CROW (Mr. Wacked): Soup or salad.

MIKE (Ash): Actually, my name's Satoshi, but in this country....

>Mr. Wacked: Either this, or I do a Spice Girls impression!

TOM: Vacuous and untalented? You ARE a Spice Girls impression.

>Ash: AAHHH!!! I'LL BATTLE!

>Mr. Wacked: Whatever. Go SpongeBob Squarepants!

MIKE: "Whatever?" Man, he's not even into this!

CROW: Read the title, idjit! HE'S NOT A POKEMON!

>S.B.S.P: Sponge, SpongeBob!

TOM: But he is the only character in this who talks like one.

CROW: So that's the source of the confusion.

>Ash: Whut the heck..

>Misty: What the..

>S.B.S.P: (Sees Charizard sleeping, and walks to it; starts shaking it by the neck.)

MIKE (Ash): Oh, yeah. Charizard, I choose you! Sorry about the delay....

>(Yells into Charizard's ear via Megaphone) HEY LAZYBUTT! TIME TO RISE AND SHINE!

TOM (SpongeBob): I'm...just a vagabond....

>Charizard: WHAT THEE HEEECKKKKK???

CROW (Charizard): I mean, Char, Char!

>S.B.S.P: Time to brush your teeth! (Yanks back Charizard's lips and uses a HUGE brush.)

TOM: I thought spitting fire would take care of the bacteria that cause plaque.

CROW: It does, but fire breathing won't do a thing for gingivitis.

>Charizard: (Yanks S.B.S.P off and Fire Blasts him) Who the hell do you think you are, psycho!?

MIKE (Charizard): You forgot the Colgate!

>Mr. Wacked: Return! GO PSYDUCK!

>Psyduck: Psy yi yi yi yi yi! (Holds a tuna in one hand.)

MIKE: Richard Lewis!

CROW: That's a duck? Looks like a platypus to me.

>Misty: That thing looks dumber than my Psyduck!

TOM: Yes, but your Psyduck hangs out with you, so that's a strike against him.

>S.B.S.P: Now witness the power of the Starving Crazed Weasels! Psyduck, Stale Fish Slap!

TOM: Wait, where'd Mr. Wacked go?!

>Psyduck: (Slaps Charizard repeatedly with tuna.)

MIKE: You've heard of "Greater Tuna"? This is "Lesser Tuna."

>Charizard: <Fried Fish tonight!> (Fire Spins Psyduck.)

TOM: Ripoff! What about the Starving Crazed Weasels? I paid to see Starving Crazed Weasels!

>M.W.: Return! Go, Yenrab!

CROW (Mr. Wacked): Sorry I ran off! Had to make a pit stop.

TOM: Doesn't he need to call Psyduck back?

>Rei: Oh dear god, NO!

>Ash: ANYTHING BUT THAT!

>Barney: Ah-yuk Ah-yuk! I'm Barney, your new special friend!

MIKE: He didn't call Barney, he called Yenrab. Yenrab's from the evil mirror universe and has a beard.

>Charizard: AHHHH!!! IT'S THE UNHOLY MAGNETA MENACE! (Jumps into Ash's arms.) KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT!

CROW: "Magneta?" Is that the girlfriend of the X-Men's nemesis?

>Barney: I luv you, you love me..

>Charizard: (Holding head in claws, with confusion swirls in eyes) AHH! THE STUPIDITY IS WARPING MY BRAIN!

TOM (Charizard): And I didn't even know I had one!

>Ash: Return! Aw crap, I didn't think I'd have to use this Pokemon..

MIKE (Charizard): "Return?" I'm here already!

>Misty: What Pokemon?

>Ash: I just KNOW I'm gonna regret this.. GO, DOPETRIO!

>(Dopetrio looks like a Dodrio on Jolt cola. )

MIKE: Okay, which one of you knows enough about Pokemon to tell me what that would look like?

CROW: Um, Tom?

TOM: I was going to throw to you.

>Barney: No.. not that! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!

MIKE: Well, we'll assume it's pretty bad if Barney doesn't like it.

>(Dopetrio's heads fall off to reveal.. THE ANIMANIACS!)

TOM: Hey, they're not Pokemon, either!

CROW: This fic is determined to wreck every show made in the last ten years!

>Yakko: Hello, Baloney!

>Dot: Do you remember the very special song we taught you?

>Barney: NO!!!! NOT THAT!!

MIKE (Barney): Not "Muskrat Love"!

>Yakko: An anvil's black and shiny..

>Barney: No, STOP!

>Dot: It's really heavy too..

MIKE: Isn't this....

CROW: Yeah, this is lifted directly from the show!

TOM: Why write your own song when you can steal one?

>Barney: (Sweating and flailing his paws) NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

>Wakko: So watch out, my tubby friend..

CROW (Wakko): Have you considered Jenny Craig?

>Barney: I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND! AAAAAHHHHHHH!!! (Starts running away.)

TOM: How much damage could an anvil do to foam rubber?

>Wakko, Yakko, and Dot: OR ONE WILL FALL ON YOU!!

>(WHAMO!)

MIKE: Thay make great toys.

>Barney: (From beneath the anvil.) Medic..

CROW: Great. Here comes the cast of "M*A*S*H."

>(Barney crawls out and stands up, stars and planets are orbiting his head.)

TOM: He thinks he's the center of the whole entire universe.

>Barney: Wok at all the pweety colors.. Oyyy..

CROW: And remember: if Yan can cook, so can you!

>Yakko: It's made of solid Iron..

MIKE: That's stuck on permanent press.

TOM and CROW (Yakko): That we made up ourselves!

>Barney: No..

>Dot: It weighs a ton or two..

MIKE: What's a few thousand pounds, more or less?

TOM and CROW (Dot): That we made up ourselves!

>Barney: Wait..

>Wakko: We know you want to meet it..

MIKE (Wakko): But you'll have to pay for the autograph.

TOM and CROW (Wakko): That we made up ourselves!

>Barney: BUT I DON'T WANT TO MEET IT!! WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

>Yakko, Wakko, and Dot: IT WANTS TO MEET YOU, TOO!!

MIKE: Come, Peter Hastings, help me to my closet!

>(BOING!!!)

TOM: A rubber anvil.

>(Barney is dead.)

CROW: Nietzsche sure picked some odd stuff to obsess about.

>Rei: Woo-hoo!

MIKE: Now the Simpsons get dragged in....

>Ami: (Starts singing) Joy to the world, the b#$@%&%'s dead! We dropped anvil's on his head!

TOM: You did not! The Warners did!

CROW: Why is there an apostrophe in "anvil's"? Does it own something?

>Ash: Now the bad part comes..

MIKE: This was the good part?!

>(Sweatdrops.)

MIKE, TOM, and CROW: ACTION SWEAT!

>Here, Misty, put this on. (Hands here a paper bag with eyeholes in it.)

TOM (Ash): I can't catch the giant mouse.

CROW (Misty): Oh, I'm so ashamed!

>Misty: Just what are you insultating? (Gets angry.)

MIKE (Ash): That you can't speak English worth a darn.

>Ash: That you don't want to french kiss the three stooges over there. (Points to the Warner Bros.)

TOM (Misty): Oooh! Dibs on Moe!

>Misty: GAHH! (Puts on bag. Ash puts one on as well.)

CROW: And they thoughtlessly leave Pikachu and Togepi to fate.

>Wakko and Yakko: (Start staring at Serena and Co.) HELLLLLOOOOO, NURSES!!

TOM and CROW (Yakko and Wakko): Wanna take our temperatures?

>Dot: (Stares at Darien) Hello, Hunky! (hearts in eyes)

MIKE (Dot): Go with me! I don't need to be rescued hourly like some people!

>Serena and Co: AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

CROW: They sound like Justin Wilson, I gar-on-tee.

>Darien: NNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

MIKE (Darien): Why can't I be part of "and Co."?

>(Serena and Co., including Darien, start running like crazy)

MIKE, TOM, and CROW: "Like" crazy?

>Yakko, Wakko, and Dot: (Running after them) Wait! We have 9 tickets to Pokemon: The first Movie!

TOM (Warners): Please, take them off our hands! We want to see a good movie!

>Serena and Co: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! (Run faster)

CROW (Serena and Co.): That movie was awful! Keep away!

>Wakko: They can run, but they can't hide! (Pulls out Rocket.

MIKE: Jessie, James, and Meowth finally arrive.

>Warner Co. climbs on it, and it shoots off after Serena and Co.)

TOM: There goes Team Rocket, blasting...I don't want to do that.

CROW: This fic is really "co." dependent.

>Ash: Well, since they're all busy, and this really psychotic fic is almost over, let's you and me make out.

>Misty: Okay! (Grabs Ash into WET French Kiss.)

TOM: And drowns him.

>Pikachu: They need help. Professional help.

CROW (Pikachu): They need instruction on how to French kiss properly.

>Charizard: (Holding Video Camera) We can afford it soon! I'm making $1,000,000 off making videos of their 'moments!'

MIKE: They need more than a million dollars' worth of psychiatric care?! Just buy two straightjackets and save yourself some dough, Charizard!

>Togepi: (Under breath) Pervert.

TOM (Charizard): I heard that!

>(Ash and Misty are still kissing)

>Pikachu: I'm surprised they can hold their breath that long!

CROW (Togepi): What, they're so dumb they can't breathe and kiss at the same time?

TOM (Pikachu): Yup!

CROW (Togepi): Can't say I'm too surprised.

>Charizard: I'M surprised Cyber Blastoise is dragging this fic out so F$%#@&@ long!!

>Cyber Blastoise: Whoops.

MIKE: Y'know, this whole story could have been edited down to those three words.

>THE END

TOM: Burt Reynolds' best movie.

>Okay, that's it.

CROW: Well, the Warners turned up, I suppose the Goodfeathers were bound to follow.

>

>

TOM: This is the best written part of this...this thing.

>I'm serious, you're wasting your time!

CROW: No, you're wasting ours. END!

TOM: END!

MIKE: END!

>

>

>

MIKE: Her Majesty's a pretty nice girl, but she doesn't have a lot to say....

>WHAT PART OF "THE END" DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND!? THAT WAS IT!!! THE END!! T-H-E E-N-D! FIN!! GO AWAY!! SHHOOO! SCRAM, STUPID!!

MIKE: Well, somebody's cranky if he misses his nap.

TOM: I figured he missed his meds.

CROW: I guess the subtlety of writing even this much proved too much for him.

>Oh, yeah.. the epilogue..

TOM: Now, aren't you embarassed for being so rude?

>Ash and Misty are boyfriend and girlfriend.

CROW: But not necessarily in that order.

>Brock and Mina had an erotic honeymoon.

MIKE: But not with each other.

>Charizard, Pikachu, and the rest of Ash and Misty's Pokemon

TOM: Here on Gilligan's I-I-I-Isle!

>now enjoy only premium Pokechow due to Charizard's movie business.

CROW: The Digidestined are thrilled not to be involved in this at all.

>Serena, Rei, Ami, Lita, and Darien had to get psychiatric therapy.

MIKE: From getting snogged by the Warners?

>(They needed it, anyway.)

>Sailor Moon: HEY!!

TOM (Serena): You needed it, too!

>Cyber Blastoise: Uht-Oh..

>Sailor Moon: MOON TIRIA MAGIC!

CROW: Wow, Sailor Moon's going to do something without relying on Tuxedo Mask!

>Cyber Blastoise: OW! Stay tuned for more (owch!) Pokemon (ow!) fanfiction! OW! Stop it! ENOUGH ALL READY!!

TOM: "Enough already." My reaction exactly.

CROW: Hit 'im again, lady!

>THE (real) END

MIKE: Of the (real) bad crossover.

[don Jaime]

(MIKE, TOM, and CROW exit the theater. Doors slam as we return to the living quarters. MIKE is relaxing with his feet up and singing to himself.)

MIKE: (Sings.) Baloney is our friendly friend
That we made up ourselves
He likes to play and sing all day
That we made up ourselves
An anvil's black and shiny....

(TOM and CROW enter with a sheaf of papers.)

CROW: Hey, there's Mike!

TOM: We've been looking all over for you. You know that crossover story we just read?

MIKE: The Pokemon/Sailor Moon/Barney the Dinosaur/SpongeBob Squarepants/Animaniacs fanfic?

CROW: Yeah, that one. We were surprised at how many crossovers that guy worked into such a short fic, that we decided to try writing our own ultrashort fanfics featuring as many disparate characters as possible! Wanna hear them?

MIKE: Sure, why not?

TOM: I'll start. Mine's called "Otaku Me Out To The Ballgame" 'cause I stuck with all Japanimation characters.

MIKE: Anime and manga, you mean?

TOM: Um...yeah. Here goes: "Saotome Ranma and Duo Maxwell were sitting around the house chewing the fat when who should drop by but Outlaw Starr? He said that the Universe is in danger from the nasty tentacled thing from 'The Legend of the Overfiend.'"

CROW: Ewww!

TOM: "So they all hopped into the Mach 5 to go get what it would take to stop the bad'un - BABES!"

CROW: All right!

TOM: "So, Ranma, Duo, and Outlaw Starr swung by and picked up Lum for Ranma..."

CROW: Gr-r-r-r-rowl! Keepin' it in the Takahashi Rumiko family, nice touch!

TOM: "...and Buruma from "Dragon Ball" for Outlaw Starr."

CROW: Excellent choice! Who'd Duo get?

TOM: Well, I had to play up the yaoi aspect someplace, so, "They stopped and got one of those "Weiß Kreuz" bishounen for Duo."

CROW: Which one?

TOM: I don't know, I never watched or read "Weiß Kreuz." There's only so many hours in the day, you know, but I needed to pad out the crossovers. Besides, this way I get to use the cool German "ß" letter, the one that looks like a "B" but sounds like, "Sssssssss!"

CROW: I understand. Carry on.

TOM: Anyway, "Ranma, Lum, Buruma, Starr, Duo, and Weiß Kreuz guy try to hook up with the Space Battleship 'Yamato' so they can catch some evil calamari. But the nefarious kraken ambushes them en route! Ranma performs every maneuver in the 'Anything Goes' school of martial arts handbook, and it's no use! Duo breaks out his Gundam Heavyarms, and fails miserably! Outlaw Starr shoots every gun at his disposal - nada! Buruma throws capsules of stuff, Lum flashes her skivvies, the Weiß Kreuz guy does whatever it is they do in 'Weiß Kreuz,' but nothing works! The 'Yamato' shows up and fires its wave motion gun, and even that's a waste of time! Our heroes prepare for the inevitable, when..."

CROW: Yes?!

TOM: "WHEN...!"

CROW: YES, YES?!

TOM: "...Donraemon arrives!"

CROW: YAYYYY!

MIKE: Who?

TOM: Futuristic cat-type robot. Anyway, "Donraemon mops the floor with the evil octopus and saves the day, and everyone gets down on their knees and thanks him, 'Oh, Donraemon, thank you so much for saving our unworthy butts! Thank you, thank you, thank you!' And Donraemon and his new friends lived happily ever after until Neo-Tokyo was founded, but that's another story, the end."

CROW: Hooray!

MIKE: Is there a moral to this?

CROW: Yep. I'd guess it's, "Even if you have a fifteenth-level black belt, incredible armor, or a kickin' spaceship at your disposal, you're gonna lose unless you let the robot take charge."

TOM: (Nods vigorously.) Mmm-hmmm!

MIKE: I should have guessed. What's your story, Crow?

CROW: It's called simply, "Star-Crossed-Over Lovers." It's pretty short, too. Listen to this. "Indiana Jones and Rhoda Morgenstern were lovers. Oh, Lordy, how they could love."

TOM: I'm with you so far.

CROW: "Lucy Ricardo, Corporal Klinger, Big Bird, Rooster Cogburn, Marty McFly, Dan-O, Harvey the invisible rabbit, Scarlett O'Hara, Crocodile Dundee, and Bret Maverick were happy for the couple, and encouraged them to marry."

TOM: Yayyy!

CROW: "But Colonel Klink, Ming the Merciless, Fredo Corleone, Gollum, Niedermeyer, the Bizarro Superman, Basil Fawlty, the Smoking Man, Dr. Evil, Napoleon the pig, and the Romulan Empire thought it was a bad idea, and suggested Indy and Rhoda should at least get a pre-nup for the inevitable divorce."

TOM: Divorce? Booo!

CROW: "Rhoda and Indy were married by the Vicar of Dibley. Cliff Clavin was the best man, Miss Marple was the maid of honor, National Velvet was the flower girl, and Beaver Cleaver was the ringbearer."

TOM: Sounds good.

CROW: "The wedding went off without a hitch and, despite the naysayers, Indy and Rhoda lived happily ever after. The end."

TOM: Fantastic! How did you get so many crossovers into such a microscopic fic?

CROW: It was easy. I just flipped through a TV Guide.

TOM: Multum in parvo. Mine's too long and doesn't have as many crossovers. I wish it was as good as yours.

CROW: Yes, but yours is a moral tale. I really should have found a way to weave in that robots are the best.

TOM: Aw, shucks. It was nothing.

MIKE: They both were.

TOM: Huh?

CROW: What?

MIKE: Your "fanfics" are long tedious lists with little to no characterization or plot.

CROW: Yes, but they're based on today's experiment. That was the textbook for no characterization or plot.

TOM: You didn't really expect us to turn out quality reading based on that, did you?

MIKE: Well, that's true. Team Rocket's calling.


(Onscreen: PEARL and OBSERVER. They shift uncomfortably.)

PEARL: Well, Mike, did that little exercise have you squirming in your seat?

MIKE: Not half as much as you're squirming now. You look like you're doing the mambo.

PEARL: Yeah, I don't know why, but I'm so itchy. I- (Slaps her arm.) What is that? A FLEA?!

OBSERVER: (Scratching.) Bobo's vermin appear to have abandoned him for less poisonous pastures. Ow! Ooh!

PEARL: Hey, baldy, I thought I told you to get rid of these pests!

OBSERVER: But, I'm sworn never to kill another living being, except to experiment on them and for the occasional meal. My people are non-violent!

PEARL: Well, I'm not! Send these bloodsuckers off to feed on someone else, like, I don't know, Mike.

MIKE: No can do. We just fumigated last week. You'd be breaking your pledge, Observer.

PEARL: Well, I'm not tolerating this. You'd better come up with something FAST or I'm going to pay a little visit to the nuclear reactor downstairs to get rid of these pests. You wouldn't want that on your pasty bald head, would you.

OBSERVER: Here. (Concentrates to ethereal music.) I've taken yours onto myself until I can think of something. Ow! Ouch! Stop biting, you ingrates!

(BOBO enters.)

BOBO: (Points to OBSERVER.) What's wrong with him, Lawgiver?

PEARL: He's set up a buffet for you. Dig in.

BOBO: (Takes a chair and seats himself in front of OBSERVER.) Well, that's downright neighborly of you, Brain Guy! Hey, fleas, my favorite!

(BOBO pops a flea into his mouth. OBSERVER squirms. Fade out. Credits roll over:)

OBSERVER (VO): Stop that!

BOBO (VO): Mmm, delicious!

OBSERVER (VO): That's disgusting! Do you have no respect for life, no matter how small?

BOBO (VO): I have respect for that tick on your earlobe. Those go great with salt!

OBSERVER (VO): Ew, get it off, get it off!

>Wok at all the pweety colors..

(Special thanks to Cyber Blastoise for his permission to use his work in this project. MST3K property of Best Brains, Inc; Pokemon property of Nintendo Co Ltd; SpongeBob Squarepants property of Nickelodeon and Viacom; Sailor Moon property of Takeuchi Naoko, Koudansha, TV Asahi, and Toei Douga; Barney the Dinosaur property of Lyons Partnership LP; Animaniacs and "The Anvil Song" by Peter Hastings property of Warner Bros Animation, used without permission.)