MST3K: ''Gullible's Travels'' featuring Wile E. Coyote

[don Jaime]

(The Satellite of Love. TOM SERVO and CROW are arguing and MIKE NELSON is trying to soothe them.)

MIKE NELSON: Easy, guys. Now what's the problem?

TOM SERVO: It's Daylight Savings Time again and we don't know what time to set the clocks to!

MIKE NELSON: That's easy. "Spring forward and fall back."

CROW: Yes, but is it spring or fall in space? Seasonality isn't at a premium out here.

TOM SERVO: And we don't know what time zone space is, either. Or at least Crow doesn't.

CROW: Bah!

MIKE NELSON: Okay, which time zone are you bucking for, Tom?

TOM SERVO: Greenwich Mean Time, Mike. Since Greenwich is the standard by which the rest of the world is set, Greenwich is the one we should use. This is the time zone of the North and South Poles, which cannot be assigned to the longitudinally-based time zone scheme, as well as all reputable astronomers and astronomical associations, even if they do call it Universal Time.

CROW: And I say we should use Central Time, because Wisconsin is on Central and that's where Mike is from, and we can show our love for Mike by using his time zone.

TOM SERVO: But that's ridiculous! What about convention and scientific accuracy?

CROW: See, Mike? Tom hates you.

TOM SERVO: I do NOT! You're just sucking up.

MIKE NELSON: Easy, easy. I know, let's start our own time zone. When we wake up it will be eight o'clock, so we always get to sleep in. Then we go to work for ten minutes and take our break, that should last, oh, about four hours and then it will be time for lunch, that can go on for about three hours. We return to work for another eight minutes, then take our next break for ten hours so we get in some overtime. We can knock off for the day, eat our meal at, um, twenty-six o'clock, and be in bed by midnight.

CROW: When is that?

MIKE NELSON: When we go to bed. It's automatically eight o'clock when we wake up again.

TOM SERVO: How long do these hours last?

MIKE NELSON: Till they're done.

CROW: Okay, that sounds feasible.

TOM SERVO: Not to mention fun. What about the season? Spring or fall?

MIKE NELSON: Summer. That way everyone's out of school and it's vacation time. We'll have a quick winter when we're ready for Christmas.

CROW: Which comes whenever we want.

MIKE NELSON: Right.

TOM SERVO: But what about Daylight Savings Time?

MIKE NELSON: Skip it. It's annoying. We don't need it, anyway. We're on Satellite of Love Time now.

TOM SERVO: Cool! What time is it right now?

MIKE NELSON: Time to talk to the Mads. Hello, sirs!


(Onscreen: the "Mads," DR. FORRESTER and his assistant TV'S FRANK.)

DR. FORRESTER: Hello, Mike. Nice to be speaking with someone halfway intelligent for a change.

MIKE NELSON: Wow! Was that a compliment?

DR. FORRESTER: Hardly, Mike. Even a complete apelike ninny such as yourself can muster up more rational thought than some people I know.

TV'S FRANK: His car got dinged.

DR. FORRESTER: You wrecked it! It's ruined! Do you know how hard it is to get parts for an AMC?

TV'S FRANK: It's a light scratch.

DR. FORRESTER: You put it there! My car is ruined!

TV'S FRANK: I was inside, getting the Chex Mix like you asked, and somebody bumped the car with a shopping cart. It's nothing serious, just a little dent, and it is not my fault.

DR. FORRESTER: Is too!

TV'S FRANK: Is not!

DR. FORRESTER: Is too!

TV'S FRANK: Is not!

DR. FORRESTER: Mike, today's experiment comes to us by way of the "Looney Tunes Larger Than Life" website, dedicated to fan fiction of various Warner Bros. cartoon characters who happen to be the size of Godzilla. Our selection is "Gullible's Travels" and features the Roadrunner and Coyote. Enjoy. Is too!

TV'S FRANK: Is not!

DR. FORRESTER: Is too!

TV'S FRANK: Is not!

DR. FORRESTER: Send the fanfic!

TV'S FRANK: Is not! Um, yeah, just a sec. (Presses a button.) Is not!

DR. FORRESTER: Is too!

(Lights flash and horns blare on the Satellite.)

MIKE NELSON, CROW, and TOM SERVO: Is fanfic sign!

[don Jaime]

(Doors open into the theater. Onscreen, a web browser is downloading the fanfic. CROW and MIKE NELSON, who is carrying TOM SERVO, enter the theater and sit down.)

>"GULLIBLE'S TRAVELS"

TOM SERVO: The Dionne Warwick Story.


>by Joe Ekaitis

MIKE NELSON: I once played "Ekaitis" on a Triple Word Score against my brother. Beat him by about three million points. He wouldn't play Scrabble with me again after that.

CROW: Good thing he didn't notice it's a proper noun.

TOM SERVO: No, it isn't. It's a skin disease, right?


>(not affiliated with Warner Bros.)

CROW: He's an NBC affiliate.

(TOM SERVO chimes the NBC notes.)


>We first see a small white trapezoid on a black background.

MIKE NELSON: Pop geometry quiz!

>The Road Runner pokes his head into the trapezoid, emits a "Beep! Beep!" and runs toward the viewer as the camera pulls back.

MIKE NELSON: Wait, I thought there was just the trapezoid!

CROW: Whew! That bird needs to control his emissions.

TOM SERVO: Pull back faster, cameraman! He's gaining on us!

>The trapezoid is actually the bottom of a large stone letter A, part of a collection of large stone letters that spell the words "THE ROAD RUNNER". He pauses a moment in front of the letters as his species name (micro-birdy macro-velocitus)

MIKE NELSON (Rev. Horton Heat): It's a psycho-birdy freak-out!

>appears briefly. He zooms out of the frame as a huge brown foot stomps on the stone letters "THE ROAD".

CROW: Animated by Terry Gilliam.

TOM SERVO (Paul McCartney): Why don't we d-do it in the road?

>Another giant brown foot smashes the word "RUNNER" into dust.

MIKE NELSON: Take that, Prefontaine.

>The camera tilts up to reveal that the giant feet belong to a 100 foot tall Wile E. Coyote, who is holding a tiny sign that says "and the Coyote" (species: appetitus gargantuous). A small airplane tows a banner with the words "in 'GULLIBLE'S TRAVELS'" past the giant Coyote's face.

MIKE NELSON: On the left side of the aircraft is a lovely view of the Grand Canyon, and on the right, an outsized cartoon coyote.

CROW: (Appetitus gargantuous.)

>The banner comes loose and wraps itself around the giant Coyote's head like a blindfold, causing him to stumble and fall.

TOM SERVO: He can survive the encroachment of man, yet a piñata defeats him.

MIKE NELSON: It explains why he doesn't chase Speedy Gonzalez....

>The rest of the opening credits appear on the resulting dust cloud. The scene then fades to black.

CROW: The end. Buh-bye! (Starts to leave.)


>We then fade up on a shot of a small black hill at sunrise.

CROW: Aw, man!

TOM SERVO: "Fade up?" Can we do that?

MIKE NELSON: The Black Hill of North Dakota, elevation 0.035 feet.

>A silhouetted rooster jumps on the hill and welcomes the dawn.

TOM SERVO (Foghorn Leghorn): Boy, I say, boy!

>The hill starts to tremble and shake. In a much wider shot, we see that the hill is really the tip of the giant Coyote's nose. The rooster jumps off as the giant Coyote wakes up.

TOM SERVO (Foghorn Leghorn): Ew! Morning breath! That boy's about as smelly as a locker room for skunks!

>He has been sleeping in a dry riverbed.

CROW: The potty training finally pays off.

MIKE NELSON: Somebody's been sleeping in MY dry riverbed! And here he is!

>A railroad track runs down one side of the riverbed and a small farm is on the other side. The giant Coyote gets to his feet and, not quite awake, walks over to a waterfall,

MIKE NELSON: On the dry river?

>which pours into a small lake at about the height as a bathroom sink would be to a normal-sized person.

TOM SERVO: Lake's backed up again....

>He splashes some water on his face, then reaches out of the frame.

CROW (Wile E. Coyote): Script! Forgot my line. Wait, I don't have any. Sorry!

>Not paying attention to what he's doing, he lifts a railroad tanker car containing a load of "Looney Tooth Toothpaste" off of a railroad siding.

TOM SERVO: Couldn't they have packed that at the factory?

>With his other hand, he reaches toward a small stand of trees encircled by a fence. The trees are growing at the same random angles as toothbrushes standing in a glass. He yanks one of the trees out of the ground and squeezes the tanker car, causing its welds to burst and rivets to pop, gushing toothpaste in all directions.

MIKE NELSON: Man, I thought we were never going to learn how he brushes his teeth.

>He begins to brush his teeth with the tree, then snaps awake, puzzled.

CROW (Wile E. Coyote): My toothpaste tastes like pine pitch!

MIKE NELSON (Wile E. Coyote): I've got an Earth Firster stuck in my molar!

TOM SERVO: Then he tries to floss with a power line and electrocutes himself.


>The giant Coyote looks around himself, disoriented by the view.

CROW: Wile E. Coyote, meet Weird O. Peyote.

>He leans over and looks at a tiny cow behind a fence.

MIKE NELSON (Cow): Hey, you're a big guy, can you spring me?

>The cow licks the end of his nose, causing him to straighten up and wipe off his nose.

TOM SERVO: That reminds me. I understand they're marketing a new coyote-snot flavored breath mint for cows.

MIKE NELSON: Really?

TOM SERVO: Yeah!

MIKE NELSON: No, they're not.

TOM SERVO: Oh, okay.

>The Coyote spots a tiny sign next to a road. Dropping to his hands and knees, he can just make out the sign, which reads "Welcome to Lilliput Junction".

MIKE NELSON (Sings): And here's Uncle Joe, he's been moving kind of slow, at the Junction!

CROW and TOM SERVO (Sing): Lilliput! Junction!

>As he rises to his knees and tries to figure things out, a tiny (by comparison) Road Runner shoots by on the railroad tracks that run by the riverbed.

CROW: Then he's a Railroad Track Runner. There's a difference.

>Concluding that his new height, about 100 feet in comparison to his surroundings, might be a decided advantage, the giant Coyote leaps onto the railroad tracks and chases the Road Runner.

TOM SERVO: He's going to have to eat about a billion of those just to to whet his appetite.


>The giant Coyote doesn't notice that the railroad track has become a trestle over a deep canyon, nor does he notice that the trestle abruptly enters a tunnel in the side of a mountain.

MIKE NELSON: Not the most observant super genius ever....

>As the Road Runner runs into the tunnel, the Coyote slams into the mountain and slides back down onto the trestle with his arms and legs dangling over the sides.

TOM SERVO (Roadrunner): Ha, ha! Safe!

>A small spot of light appears between his eyes, accompanied by the sound of an approaching train. The giant Coyote wraps his arms and legs around the railroad tracks, closes his eyes tightly and braces for impact.

CROW: So super genius here is a hundred feet tall, and he can't just step off the trestle. I want my MENSA membership fee back.

>The tiny train speeds out of the tunnel, rides up the giant Coyote's snout, over his head, between his ears, down his back and off of his tail, resuming its journey on the railroad track.

MIKE NELSON: Of course, this is Amtrak. It's against policy for the train to stay on the track without a good reason.

>Only after the sound of the train fades completely does the Coyote deem it safe to open his eyes.

TOM SERVO (Wile E. Coyote): All right, the train swerved!

>He blinks a couple times and sits upright on the railroad trestle. He inspects himself for damage, and, satisfied that he's still in one piece, carefully rises to his feet on the railroad trestle, just as the Road Runner rockets out of the tunnel and knocks him off of his feet.

CROW: Strong bird.

>The Coyote falls onto the railroad trestle, causing it to collapse in the middle. He grabs the remains of the trestle in an effort to break his fall and pulls the whole bridge into the canyon with him.

TOM SERVO: He crushes the trestle into the canyon, then he pulls it down into the canyon. Then when he lands it falls into the canyon on top of him.

MIKE NELSON: You've got the Coyote pattern down, Tom.

>We catch up with the giant Coyote at the bottom of the canyon with the wreckage of the bridge strewn around him. Two tiny police cruisers, with lights flashing and sirens wailing, arrive on the scene.

MIKE NELSON (Cop): You, the giant coyote hanging onto the broken trestle. Freeze!

TOM SERVO (Cop): You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to destroy Tokyo.

>The Coyote wearily rolls his eyes in their direction as the scene fades to black.

CROW: NOW we can leave. (Starts to leave.)


>The scene then fades up on an airfield.

CROW: Grrr!

MIKE NELSON: Fade up, fade in, same thing....

>Next to the ACME Air Freight hangar is a huge open box labeled "ONE (1) ACME FULL SIZE RAILROAD TRESTLE (Fast, Easy Assembly!)".

TOM SERVO: You'll have it finished within three years or your money back!

>Next, we see the plans for assembling the ACME FULL SIZE RAILROAD TRESTLE unfolded over a mountainside.

CROW: "Fast" and "easy" covers a MOUNTAINSIDE?!

MIKE NELSON: This isn't a railroad trestle, it's a swing set.

>Finally, we see the giant Coyote laying on his stomach and using a tiny, normal sized screwdriver to drive in the final screw while the 2 police cruisers sit nearby.

TOM SERVO (Cop): Think we should check out that robbery in progress?

CROW (Cop): Nah, let's stay and make sure the mutt fixes the B&O.

>Fade to black.

CROW: Finally! (Starts to leave.)


>Fade up on the Road Runner running left to right across the screen, passing a pair of giant Coyote feet.

CROW: AUUUGH!

>The Coyote twirls a tiny lasso and deftly flings it in the direction of the Road Runner. Both the lasso and the fleet-footed bird disappear over the horizon.

MIKE NELSON: Along with the audience.

>The giant Coyote smugly shows the viewer that the other end of the lasso is tied to his left pinky finger. What he DOESN'T know is that the lasso continues its flight toward an intersection. The Road Runner jolts to a halt as an ACME Excursions Seaside Express bus rolls by on the cross-traffic road.

TOM SERVO: Express to the sea via the high desert. Are we sure this isn't a taxi?

>The lasso snags the front bumper of the bus. The lasso tightens, pulling the giant Coyote off his feet.

CROW: That bus is even stronger than the bird.

>He bounces and bumps along the road and eventually becomes airborne like a giant kite.

TOM SERVO: Boy, talk about your dogs chasing cars.

>He sails over the Road Runner's head as the Road Runner watches happily. The Coyote uses his right arm to "climb" his left arm and begins fiddling with the knot, trying to free his finger.

CROW: Shouldn't his arms be the same length?

>The ACME Excursions Seaside Express bus comes to a halt on a ferry dock just as the Coyote gets the knot untied.

MIKE NELSON (Bus Driver): Maybe I should I have stopped for those lights. Nah....if I had, the flying coyote would have caught us.

>He continues to sail through the air and out into the open sea, where he belly-flops into the water near the ACME Little Princess cruise ship.

TOM SERVO: Aw, you sank my battleship!

>A life preserver on a rope is flung over the rail of the cruise ship.

CROW: Yeah, that'll save the dog the size of the Chrysler Building.

>It bobs on the surface of the water for a moment before the angry, wet Coyote bursts to the surface. The life preserver barely fits over the tip of his ear.

MIKE NELSON: Still doesn't have his breakfast, but he does have a fashionable earring now.

>A shark, lured by the commotion, pokes his head out of the water to investigate.

TOM SERVO (Shark): Hey, you're leaving a ring around the ocean!

>The giant Coyote turns and sneers down at the comparatively tiny shark, which skitters away, yelping like a frightened puppy.

MIKE NELSON (Wile E. Coyote): I got dragged behind a bus and Kathie Lee Gifford's trying to save me with costume jewelry, but I'm still tougher than you, Jabberjaw.

>Fade to black.

CROW: I'm not even going to notice.


>Fade up on the Road Runner zooming past the camera toward the tiny gambling Meccha of Lilliput Vegas, with its skyline of luxury casino hotels and resorts.

TOM SERVO: Mecha, huh? First a giant animal, now a big robot, this is a Japanese cartoon!

CROW: He's gonna call in a mob hit, get that bird whacked!

MIKE NELSON: Little Caesar's Palace - Gambling! Gambling!

>Cut to the giant Coyote zipping up his new "ACME FULL SIZE SKYSCRAPER COSTUME (Fool EVERYONE On The Block!)"

CROW (EVERYONE on the block): Oh, great. Roy's pretending he's a building again. Just play along.

>With his tail and arms dangling from the costume's windows, the Coyote tiptoes from one hiding place alongside the hotel towers to another.

MIKE NELSON: He can't show himself too soon, or the casino owners will call off the $4.99 All-You-Can-Eat Prime Rib Special.

TOM SERVO: Yep. He could eat every rib in Vegas for under five bucks and still have room for the blueberry flapjacks.

>He finally takes up a position between the twin towers of the Frump Plaza Hotel and Casino, ready to pounce on the Road Runner as he passes.

CROW: We all know how those Roadrunners love the dollar slots.

>He opens a couple of the upper windows of the ACME FULL SIZE SKYSCRAPER COSTUME for better visibility.

TOM SERVO: Which he SHOULD have done before he started sneaking around....

>As the Road Runner tears past,

MIKE NELSON (Roadrunner): WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

>we see the giant Coyote's feet poking out of the bottom of the costume, with the middle toe of each foot touching the adjacent towers. We also see the banners on the towers announcing "COMING SOON! NEW HOTEL AND CASINO!"

CROW: Looks like it's arrived, if you ask me.

>Before the Coyote can take a step, explosive charges inside the towers are set off, sending cracks through the towers and Wile E. and his costume.

TOM SERVO (Blasting Foreman): Fire in the hole, I guess.

MIKE NELSON: All right, who set the charges in that other casino?! Come to think of it, where'd that other casino come form?!

>All three of them collapse into a pile of rubble.

TOM SERVO: And steal Fred's Fruity Pebbles!

>Fade to black.

CROW: NICE TRY!

MIKE NELSON: Easy, Crow.


>Fade up on a small, fast moving object zooming along the twists and turns of a mountain road (it does NOT make a "Beep! Beep!" sound).

TOM SERVO: It also doesn't go "Bong!" or "Tweet!"

CROW: Or "Rip!", "Hiss!", or anything that Don Martin ever thought of.

>As the speeding projectile rounds a bend cut into the side of a mountain, a giant cupped brown paw slams down on it, trapping it.

MIKE NELSON (The Fly): Help me! Help meee!

>A wider shot shows the giant Coyote, amazed at his success. He briefly holds his closed paw up in the air like a trophy, then quickly gobbles down the contents of his paw.

TOM SERVO (Sings): Roadrunner Helper, helps your Roadrunner! Helper! Makes a great meal!

>As he leans against the mountain and savors his victory, the Road Runner screeches to a halt on the road. He looks curiously at the giant Coyote, who returns a similarly puzzled expression.

CROW (Wile E. Coyote): Didn't I just turn you into Roadrunner butter?

>In a medium close-up,

MIKE NELSON: I'd like to Super-size it.

>the Coyote scratches his head and looks off into space, trying to make sense of what just happened.

TOM SERVO: He fails miserably and we return to our plot.

>He suddenly begins to giggle as if he's being tickled.

CROW: He's the first today.

>A wider shot shows that the Road Runner has put on a stethoscope and is probing the giant Coyote's abdominal area with a properly grave look on his face.

MIKE NELSON (Roadrunner): Strange. My wing reaches all the way to his abdomen! Why can't I fly?!

>He shakes his head ominously, then steps back and looks up at the giant Coyote, still shaking his head and making "Tch! Tch! Tch!" sounds.

CROW: Tch-BEEP! Tch-BEEP! Tch-BEEP!

>He darts out of the frame, leaving the stethoscope to twirl and dangle briefly in the air. Now the Coyote is REALLY concerned and becomes aware of a strange buzz-saw sound emanating from his stomach.

TOM SERVO: A little Bromo ought to fix that.

>In a close up, he turns his head to the side and sticks out his tongue. A tiny whirlwind is spinning on the tip of his tongue.

MIKE NELSON (Dorothy): Toto, I KNOW we're not in Kansas anymore! This is an enormous coyote!

>When it stops, it becomes the Tasmanian Devil (species: really teed-offius).

CROW: I thought a "teed-offius" was a Tiger.

TOM SERVO (Tasmanian Devil): Foghorn right. Your breath smells. You been eating pine cones?

>The Devil leaps up to the Coyote's nose and walks down the length of the Coyote's snout. The Coyote has to cross his eyes to keep the Devil in focus. The Devil asks

MIKE NELSON: "Will you sell me your soul?" Oops, wrong devil!

>"Why for you swallow me all the way down to your tummy?" The giant Coyote breaks into a sheepish grin as huge beads of sweat begin to collect on his forehead. A couple of the huge sweat drops plop onto the Devil, who doesn't even blink.

TOM SERVO (Tasmanian Devil): Body funk no stop Taz.

>The scene cuts to a slightly wider view and as the Coyote keeps his gaze fixed on the Tasmanian Devil, he slowly and deliberately draws back his leg and arms as if preparing to take off running. He turns and peels out of the frame so fast that the Tasmanian Devil hangs in the air for a second or two.

CROW: So, he really WAS preparing to take off running.

>The Tasmanian Devil goes into his twirl as he falls.

MIKE NELSON: That Devil is the next Baryshnikov.

>The scene cuts to the Road Runner, who is standing by the side of the road.

CROW: Now he's a Shoulder Stander.

>A giant pair of brown feet bound past him, followed by the whirling Tasmanian Devil. From off-camera, we hear the sounds of a fight, then the giant brown feet run past in the opposite direction, followed once again by the Tasmanian Devil. The Road Runner follows the action like a tennis match as it keeps passing back and forth in front of him. Fade out.

TOM SERVO (Roadrunner): That was IN! That was IN! Stupid linesman!

CROW: They're coming back, you know.

MIKE NELSON: Uh, yeah.


>Fade up on the giant Coyote chasing the Road Runner along a 2-lane highway.

CROW: See? They're back again!

(MIKE NELSON and TOM SERVO groan.)

>The Coyote sees that the Road Runner is about to escape into the safety of a tunnel carved into a mountain, so the Coyote scrambles OVER the mountain, arriving at the other end of the tunnel before the Road Runner.

MIKE NELSON: So he got ahead of the Roadrunner and didn't stop and eat him?

>The Coyote drops to his hands and knees and peeks into the tunnel.

CROW: And sees a 100-foot-tall naked girl coyote!

TOM SERVO: Then the Roadrunner smashes into his eye and blinds him.

>He then stands upright and raises his foot off the ground, ready to squash the Road Runner. He slams his foot down, just as the Road Runner shoots out of the tunnel. The Road Runner zooms to safety over a distant horizon as the Coyote watches.

MIKE NELSON: Any old distant horizon, it doesn't really matter which one.

>As the sound of the Road Runner fades, an ominous cracking sound becomes apparent.

TOM SERVO: The Coyote had resumed his old habit of knuckle-cracking.

>The Coyote looks down at his foot and sees cracks radiating through the pavement. A wider shot shows that the Coyote is standing on a natural stone bridge, which is beginning to crumble as the cracks continue to spread.

CROW: The State of Arizona dynamited a tunnel, but couldn't afford a real bridge.

>Fearing one of his legendary canyon plunges, the Coyote sits down, closes his eyes and wraps his arms around himself, awaiting his fate.

MIKE NELSON: Once again, he could just step off, but no....

>He falls into the canyon, just far enough so that his head is even with where the road was.

TOM SERVO: Then a truck drives out of the tunnel and blinds him.

>He opens his eyes and holds up a tiny sign that says "Believe me, it hurts just as much."

CROW (Wile E. Coyote): You don't know pain till you've sodomized yourself with a natural rock formation.

TOM SERVO: Crow! Gross!

MIKE NELSON: Oh...that's an image singed into my memory for all time!

CROW: You're welcome!

>The Road Runner comes back and stops at the end of the road. He shoves his whole head inside the giant Coyote's ear and lets fly with a reverberating "BEEP! BEEP!"

TOM SERVO (Roadrunner): Move it or lose it, Grandma!

>The giant Coyote shoots straight up into the air like a rocket and the Road Runner watches as he disappears into the sky and falls back to earth. When he lands, the Coyote is already holding ANOTHER sign that reads "Now, that REALLY stings!"

CROW: Just like if I had-

MIKE NELSON: You're cutting it close, Crow.

CROW: Sorry.

>The Road Runner tears away

MIKE NELSON: WAAAAAAAAAH some more!

>and the enraged Coyote scrambles onto the road and takes off after him. The Coyote doesn't notice that the road is angling upward sharply and as the road abruptly levels off, the Road Runner slams on the brakes but the Coyote continues to run literally into the air.

TOM SERVO (Spike Lee): Gotta be the shoes.

>We see an eagle lazily flapping along.

CROW: Yeah, let's watch that instead.

>The eagle gets a puzzled look on his face, then looks down and, with a startled squawk, darts to one side as the giant Coyote "runs" past him.

MIKE NELSON (Eagle): Damn skyhog!

>The Coyote passes an ACME Airlines 747 jetliner and waves to the tiny passengers.

TOM SERVO (Elton John): Hold me closer, tiny passengers!

>As the sky grows dark, he passes a space shuttle

CROW: Not an ACME Space Shuttle?

>and, accompanied by a few bars of the instrumental single "Telstar", he overshoots an orbiting ACME Tattlestar satellite.

TOM SERVO: There you go, Crow.

CROW: Thanks.

>Finally, in the darkness of outer space and with Planet Earth in the background, the Coyote jams on the brakes and frantically tries to claw his way back.

MIKE NELSON: In space, no one can hear your brakes squeal.


>Instead, he begins plunging through the darkness of space toward a huge bed that's also tumbling through space and is big enough to hold him.

TOM SERVO: Well...it makes as much sense as anything else in this story.

>He lands on the bed on his hands and knees as a pillow settles down at the head of the bed. A book drifts onto the pillow and as the Coyote grabs the book to read its title, he "crashes" back into his own cave.

MIKE NELSON (Wile E. Coyote): Is that Patrick Duffy in my shower?

>He looks around at the familiar surroundings and things begin to make sense when he notes that the title of the book on the pillow is "Gulliver's Travels".

TOM SERVO: Do you, uh, "Yahoo?"

CROW: Good thing he wasn't reading "A Modest Proposal."

>Still not convinced that things are completely back to normal, he steps out of his cave into a moonlit night. He comes upon a hole in the ground from which one can hear the sound of snoring.

MIKE NELSON: One can? Do tell!

>Reaching into the hole, he pulls out a normal-sized Bugs Bunny, who is still asleep.

TOM SERVO (Wile E. Coyote): Hold me, Bugs. I'm having nightmares again!

>Standing Bugs upright, he measures himself against Bugs, happy to note that the tips of Bugs's ears are just a couple of inches below his own ears.

CROW: Oh, no, Bugs's ears shrunk!

>He gives Bugs a pat on the head and a tiny kiss on the cheek

(TOM SERVO, MIKE NELSON, and CROW make kissy noises.)

MIKE NELSON (Wile E. Coyote): Please, Bugs, no tongue.

>and happily strides back to his cave.

CROW: Bugs wakes up and wonders what he's doing outside.

TOM SERVO (Bugs Bunny): Eh, why am I up, Doc?

>As he disappears into the cave, the camera zooms in toward the ground as a tiny Road Runner darts into the frame, stops, turns toward the camera and bids the audience good night with a shrill, speeded-up "beep! beep!"

MIKE NELSON: The Roadrunner is now a singing chipmunk. Bet he wants a hula hoop. (Picks up TOM SERVO.)

>Fade to black.

CROW: Not this again!

TOM SERVO: Bye, Crow! (TOM SERVO and MIKE NELSON exit.)

>"That's All Folks!"

CROW: Sure! Gimme a break!

>Looney Tunes Larger Than Life!

CROW: Huh? What's that mean? Hello? Hello? Is it over finally? About time.

[don Jaime]

(CROW exits the theater. Doors slam as we return to the living quarters. TOM SERVO and CROW are putting the finishing touches on what appears to be a large car made out of old crates and junk. MIKE NELSON enters.)

MIKE NELSON: Nice car.

TOM SERVO: It's a roller skate, Mike, but thanks!

MIKE NELSON: I see. It's for Wile E. Coyote when he's 100 feet tall.

CROW: Well, we got tired of looking at his big brown feet all the time, so we thought we'd make him some shoes.

TOM SERVO: And at the same time, we can help fill the void left by the ACME corporation. Normally ACME provides the Coyote with lots of dangerous equipment to maim himself with, but in this, they only sold him a bridge, and it didn't even give him a hangnail.

MIKE NELSON: But these skates will?

CROW: These aren't just any skates, Mike. We've tricked them out with everything Wile E. likes in self-destructive gadgets. There's a built-in cannon and a rickety catapult in case he wants to throw boulders instead.

TOM SERVO: And we've included an electromagnet and an automatic ball bearing-laced birdseed dispenser.

CROW: Plus there's a giant rubber band to use in makeshift slingshots and a month's supply of pre-lit dynamite to sling.

TOM SERVO: And they're jet-propelled. No self-respecting coyote would be caught dead in skates without rockets.

MIKE NELSON: Sounds unsafe at any speed. Do any of these things actually work?

TOM SERVO: Of course not, Mike. They're all predesigned to fail.

CROW: Ordinarilly this is a design flaw in our projects, but for the Coyote, it's a selling point. We're planning on charging him $20,000.

MIKE NELSON: A pair?

TOM SERVO: Each.

MIKE NELSON: I figured. Is this the right or the left?

TOM SERVO: There's a difference?

CROW: I told you.

TOM SERVO: Well, I thought you were kidding! How am I supposed to know these things? I have a hoverskirt.

CROW: Well, I have feet, so I ought to know.

MIKE NELSON: I hate to interrupt, but what makes you think the Coyote will buy them? He's got cacti and cliffs and abandoned minefields and paintings of tunnels he can use for free.

CROW: And they do have their place in his theater of pain, but Wile E. needs more than that. He's subconsciously trying to punish himself for his constant failures, plus he's trying to distract himself from the stomach cramps you get after 40 years straight without eating. For that, you need defective technology.

MIKE NELSON: Like non-paired shoes. Why don't we leave it to the professionals? The Mads are calling. Sirs, what do you think about this?


(On screen: DR. FORRESTER and TV'S FRANK.)

TV'S FRANK: Is not!

DR. FORRESTER: Is too!

MIKE NELSON: Um, sirs, about the 'bots project?

DR. FORRESTER: I think...that is a snazzy looking car.

CROW: It's not-

MIKE NELSON: -just any car. It's handmade with a lot of unique add-ons. A steal at only $25,000. That was the price you quoted me, wasn't it, guys?

CROW: Why...yes, it is, Mike.

DR. FORRESTER: Does it get good milage?

TOM SERVO: It should, it runs on nitro.

DR. FORRESTER: Is it safe?

MIKE NELSON: Uh, the tests aren't complete yet.

DR. FORRESTER: So it's really more dodgy than Dodge, more fraud than Ford, more crisis than Chrysler. Downright dangerous, in fact. Sounds perfect. I'll wire the funds into your account when I get the chance. Take delivery, Frank. Push the button before you go.

TV'S FRANK: But, sir-!

DR. FORRESTER: Go get the car and push the button, Frank.

TV'S FRANK: (Gulps.) Yes, sir.


(TV'S FRANK pushes the button, and the credits roll over. We hear an engine start, a brief moment of ordinary driving, then squealing brakes and a guardrail breaking. The roller skate makes a whistling sound until impact.)

TV'S FRANK (VO): Ouch.


>"Why for you swallow me all the way down to your tummy?"


(Special thanks to Joe Ekaitis for granting permission to use his work in this project. MST3K property of Best Brains, Inc, and Looney Tunes property of Warner Bros. Animation, used without permission.)