Joe Wagner
05-23-2002, 02:30 PM
Well I just got the latest newsletter in my e-mail and thought I would share it with everyone - some funny stuff in here.
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)
Date: May 2002
Highlights
-------------------------------------------------
* Movie Review of Spider-Man
* Boss and Cow-orker Quotes
* True Tales of Induhviduals
-------------------------------------------------
DNRC Update
-----------
There are 520,000 DNRC members, each one a model of soaring genius
and inexplicable sex appeal.
If you subscribe to this newsletter, you're automatically a member
of Dogbert's New Ruling Class. Dogbert hasn't announced what
countries he plans to conquer first, but I am authorized to tell
you that the price of oil will soon be "free."
Movie Review
------------
I haven't seen the Spider-Man movie yet, but I've seen the
commercials and I don't think they left anything out. So I'll go
ahead with my review, hoping as always that a major motion picture
studio will quote me in their ads.
SPIDER-MAN IS THE BEST ACTION MOVIE OF THE SUMMER that
involves a man who acts like a spider. (Note to movie companies:
Feel free to quote any portion of the prior sentence. Wink, wink.)
I understand that Tobey Maguire prepared for the role by training
with actual spiders for over six months. He even learned to lay
thousands of tiny eggs in an attic, which was a waste of time
because that part of the movie never made it into the previews.
Willem Dafoe plays The Green Goblin. He got the part because his
last name sounds like "the foe." The director used similar hiring
methods for the rest of his crew, including Timmy
Daproductionassistant and Henry Dascripteditor.
In summary, I recommend that all of you go see the preview of this
movie. If you decide to see the entire movie, I recommend the last
showing of the evening, when there's lots of old gum on the floor.
It will feel like your foot is caught in spider webbing and you'll
get a freaky 3-D sensation that doesn't cost extra.
Signs of Induhviduality
-----------------------
When Dogbert takes over the world, the first thing he'll do is make
it illegal for Induhviduals to make signs. Until then, enjoy these
sightings.
---
Two adjacent businesses near our house had their signs arranged in
an unfortunate way:
"Woodlawn Cemetery"
"Self-storage"
---
Our local teriyaki joint had a great lunch special the
other day:
"$3.99 Chicken Bowel!"
---
Outside of Mitchell, South Dakota, there was a billboard
advertising a garage with
"24-hour Toe Service"
I always thought it was nice that in a small town like Mitchell,
you could get a pedicure any time, day or night.
True Quotes From Induhviduals
-----------------------------
Here are more true quotes submitted by DNRC members. Most of these
are from managers. As you will see, Induhviduals continue to be
confused by critters, nature and body parts.
---
"She's not the brightest tree in the forest."
---
"We've got lower-hanging fish to fry."
---
"We've got to nix this thing in the bud."
---
During a recent sales meeting, our pointy-haired sales director
told us that we were on track to achieving our sales goals and we
could almost see "...the light at the end of the rainbow." I almost
shot coffee out my nose.
---
"If you can't get those parts in time, that'll really put a wrinkle
in your feather."
---
"'Usually' only counts in horseshoes."
---
"You're trying to move a mountain with a molehill."
---
"Too many cooks in the pot."
---
"I wouldn't trust them with a nine foot pole."
---
"I'm going to sweep this mess under the floor."
---
"You're getting too clever for your own boots!"
---
"Then I figured that something was rotten in Denver."
---
My supervisor stated that another manager had him in her
"shorthairs."
---
"Open your mouth and shut your ears when I'm talking to you."
---
"He couldn't find his way out of a paper bag if it bit him."
---
"They dropped the apple cart, now it's up to us to get it back on
the tracks."
---
"That didn't work out, so I guess we're just AOL."
---
"We'll be done by the schedule date, maybe later."
---
"He turned beet white."
---
"We are going to have to put all our oars in the fire for this
project."
---
"You know...you can't skin two cats with one bird..."
---
"Our unemployed are working fewer and fewer hours!"
---
"That really throws a monkey at the wrench..."
---
"Let's get right down to the gnat's meow."
True Tales of Induhviduals
--------------------------
Here now, more amazing tales of Induhviduals as reported by
vigilant - and sometimes vigilante - DNRC members.
---
I was at the gift shop at the Framingham Service Area on the Mass
Pike a few days ago. Having made my purchase and turning to leave,
I saw a young woman walk up to the cashier with a tiny
person-shaped stuffed doll in a box marked "Voodoo Doll." Her
question to the clerk: "Does this really work?"
---
While in a bookstore last night, I overheard an Induhvidual
customer ask the sales clerk, "How often is Newsweek published?"
---
A few years ago while traveling in rural Texas, we stopped at a
restaurant for dinner. When I asked the waitress if their soup was
homemade, she looked confused and said, "No, we make it here..."
---
I was working as a consultant for a major phone company. In this
huge meeting where we were discussing how to combine multiple
systems and how no one wanted to give up their sacred cows, one
bright Induhvidual said, "Well, we really need to think outside of
the box." His counterpart replied (and was totally serious), "If we
think outside of the box, we're all gonna die."
---
On one of the bowl games the day after New Year's (2002), a player
made a very good one-handed catch. Later in the same game, the
same player made a one-handed catch with the opposite hand. The
Induhvidual who was commentating said, "Wow, that guy must be
amphibious!"
Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------
In this section Dogbert answers the e-mail that I am too polite to
answer myself. These are all based on real e-mail messages but the
names have been changed to make them funnier.
Dear Mr. Adams,
Are you the same Scott Adams that I went to high school with in
Glendale, California? If you are, I was the blonde cheerleader who
had a huge crush on you but you didn't know it.
Lydia
--
Dear Too-Lydia-Too-Late,
Mr. Adams did not attend high school in Glendale but still your
message sent him into a euphoric coma. Mistaken identity is the
closest that Mr. Adams has ever been to high school popularity,
despite being self-proclaimed captain of the chess team. But
frankly, in Mr. Adams' high school, chess was played with checkers
rules so even that wasn't the big deal it could have been.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
---
Dear Mr. Adams,
I am in high school and plan to become an engineer like Dilbert.
But after reading your comic I am worried. Is it really that bad?
Don
---
Dear Doomed,
Dilbert's workplace does not resemble the real workplace, but only
because newspapers won't print comics that have violence,
obscenities and scatological references. But if you take the comic
and add those elements at home, like a science project, you'll get
a good glimpse of your future.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
How to Subscribe to the Dilbert Newsletter
------------------------------------------
You can request a new subscription to the Dilbert Newsletter by
entering your e-mail address at:
<http://www.comics.com/comics/dilbert/dnrc/subscribe>
All submissions to Scott Adams and/or Dilbert.com shall become the
exclusive property of United Media and Scott Adams, and they will
have the right to use them free of charge, in any manner and in any
medium, forever and throughout the world.
-Joe!
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)
Date: May 2002
Highlights
-------------------------------------------------
* Movie Review of Spider-Man
* Boss and Cow-orker Quotes
* True Tales of Induhviduals
-------------------------------------------------
DNRC Update
-----------
There are 520,000 DNRC members, each one a model of soaring genius
and inexplicable sex appeal.
If you subscribe to this newsletter, you're automatically a member
of Dogbert's New Ruling Class. Dogbert hasn't announced what
countries he plans to conquer first, but I am authorized to tell
you that the price of oil will soon be "free."
Movie Review
------------
I haven't seen the Spider-Man movie yet, but I've seen the
commercials and I don't think they left anything out. So I'll go
ahead with my review, hoping as always that a major motion picture
studio will quote me in their ads.
SPIDER-MAN IS THE BEST ACTION MOVIE OF THE SUMMER that
involves a man who acts like a spider. (Note to movie companies:
Feel free to quote any portion of the prior sentence. Wink, wink.)
I understand that Tobey Maguire prepared for the role by training
with actual spiders for over six months. He even learned to lay
thousands of tiny eggs in an attic, which was a waste of time
because that part of the movie never made it into the previews.
Willem Dafoe plays The Green Goblin. He got the part because his
last name sounds like "the foe." The director used similar hiring
methods for the rest of his crew, including Timmy
Daproductionassistant and Henry Dascripteditor.
In summary, I recommend that all of you go see the preview of this
movie. If you decide to see the entire movie, I recommend the last
showing of the evening, when there's lots of old gum on the floor.
It will feel like your foot is caught in spider webbing and you'll
get a freaky 3-D sensation that doesn't cost extra.
Signs of Induhviduality
-----------------------
When Dogbert takes over the world, the first thing he'll do is make
it illegal for Induhviduals to make signs. Until then, enjoy these
sightings.
---
Two adjacent businesses near our house had their signs arranged in
an unfortunate way:
"Woodlawn Cemetery"
"Self-storage"
---
Our local teriyaki joint had a great lunch special the
other day:
"$3.99 Chicken Bowel!"
---
Outside of Mitchell, South Dakota, there was a billboard
advertising a garage with
"24-hour Toe Service"
I always thought it was nice that in a small town like Mitchell,
you could get a pedicure any time, day or night.
True Quotes From Induhviduals
-----------------------------
Here are more true quotes submitted by DNRC members. Most of these
are from managers. As you will see, Induhviduals continue to be
confused by critters, nature and body parts.
---
"She's not the brightest tree in the forest."
---
"We've got lower-hanging fish to fry."
---
"We've got to nix this thing in the bud."
---
During a recent sales meeting, our pointy-haired sales director
told us that we were on track to achieving our sales goals and we
could almost see "...the light at the end of the rainbow." I almost
shot coffee out my nose.
---
"If you can't get those parts in time, that'll really put a wrinkle
in your feather."
---
"'Usually' only counts in horseshoes."
---
"You're trying to move a mountain with a molehill."
---
"Too many cooks in the pot."
---
"I wouldn't trust them with a nine foot pole."
---
"I'm going to sweep this mess under the floor."
---
"You're getting too clever for your own boots!"
---
"Then I figured that something was rotten in Denver."
---
My supervisor stated that another manager had him in her
"shorthairs."
---
"Open your mouth and shut your ears when I'm talking to you."
---
"He couldn't find his way out of a paper bag if it bit him."
---
"They dropped the apple cart, now it's up to us to get it back on
the tracks."
---
"That didn't work out, so I guess we're just AOL."
---
"We'll be done by the schedule date, maybe later."
---
"He turned beet white."
---
"We are going to have to put all our oars in the fire for this
project."
---
"You know...you can't skin two cats with one bird..."
---
"Our unemployed are working fewer and fewer hours!"
---
"That really throws a monkey at the wrench..."
---
"Let's get right down to the gnat's meow."
True Tales of Induhviduals
--------------------------
Here now, more amazing tales of Induhviduals as reported by
vigilant - and sometimes vigilante - DNRC members.
---
I was at the gift shop at the Framingham Service Area on the Mass
Pike a few days ago. Having made my purchase and turning to leave,
I saw a young woman walk up to the cashier with a tiny
person-shaped stuffed doll in a box marked "Voodoo Doll." Her
question to the clerk: "Does this really work?"
---
While in a bookstore last night, I overheard an Induhvidual
customer ask the sales clerk, "How often is Newsweek published?"
---
A few years ago while traveling in rural Texas, we stopped at a
restaurant for dinner. When I asked the waitress if their soup was
homemade, she looked confused and said, "No, we make it here..."
---
I was working as a consultant for a major phone company. In this
huge meeting where we were discussing how to combine multiple
systems and how no one wanted to give up their sacred cows, one
bright Induhvidual said, "Well, we really need to think outside of
the box." His counterpart replied (and was totally serious), "If we
think outside of the box, we're all gonna die."
---
On one of the bowl games the day after New Year's (2002), a player
made a very good one-handed catch. Later in the same game, the
same player made a one-handed catch with the opposite hand. The
Induhvidual who was commentating said, "Wow, that guy must be
amphibious!"
Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------
In this section Dogbert answers the e-mail that I am too polite to
answer myself. These are all based on real e-mail messages but the
names have been changed to make them funnier.
Dear Mr. Adams,
Are you the same Scott Adams that I went to high school with in
Glendale, California? If you are, I was the blonde cheerleader who
had a huge crush on you but you didn't know it.
Lydia
--
Dear Too-Lydia-Too-Late,
Mr. Adams did not attend high school in Glendale but still your
message sent him into a euphoric coma. Mistaken identity is the
closest that Mr. Adams has ever been to high school popularity,
despite being self-proclaimed captain of the chess team. But
frankly, in Mr. Adams' high school, chess was played with checkers
rules so even that wasn't the big deal it could have been.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
---
Dear Mr. Adams,
I am in high school and plan to become an engineer like Dilbert.
But after reading your comic I am worried. Is it really that bad?
Don
---
Dear Doomed,
Dilbert's workplace does not resemble the real workplace, but only
because newspapers won't print comics that have violence,
obscenities and scatological references. But if you take the comic
and add those elements at home, like a science project, you'll get
a good glimpse of your future.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
How to Subscribe to the Dilbert Newsletter
------------------------------------------
You can request a new subscription to the Dilbert Newsletter by
entering your e-mail address at:
<http://www.comics.com/comics/dilbert/dnrc/subscribe>
All submissions to Scott Adams and/or Dilbert.com shall become the
exclusive property of United Media and Scott Adams, and they will
have the right to use them free of charge, in any manner and in any
medium, forever and throughout the world.
-Joe!