Mynd Hed
04-01-2008, 04:04 PM
Aiming to prop up sagging third-party sales among the crucial casual, non-hardcore, largely female, "spinster" demographic, Nintendo announced a new mandate that all future titles for the Wii and DS must begin with the word "Imagine" and end with the letter "Z."
"Now, I don't want anyone to think that we're abandoning the traditional gamer," a spokesman said. "All those great classic Nintendo franchises like Imagine Mario Kart Wiiz, Imagine Some Crap That Was Barely Tolerable Fifteen Yearz Agoz on the Virtual Console, and, ummm... Hey, Jerry, what else have we got in the pipeline for real gamers? What? Really? Crap! Where was I? Oh, yeah, and Imagine Mario Kart Wiiz, are still coming, with all the same gameplay you've been buying over and over again for the last twenty years intact. They're just undergoing a slight rebranding to make them more appealing to people so lonely and desperate for simple human contact and affection that they'll buy anything with a baby or a pony on the front."
Nintendo denied rumors that they're planning to release Imagine Mother Threez for the GBA or Imagine Kid Icaruz for the Wii, stating that the flagship titles for the new initiative would include Imagine Fetusez, Imagine Looking Halfway Decent in a Swimsuitz, and Imagine If That Guy on the Cover of Your Romance Novel Was Real and Worked at Your Officez.
In response, Microsoft announced its latest bid to capture the largely Nintendo-dominated casual market, Imagine Haloz for the 360, a crude Goldeneye 007 port which replaces James Bond with a pastel-colored Master Chief and all other licensed characters with bunnies. Ammunition in Imagine Haloz will be doled out according to a microtransaction system, charging your account 5 Microsoft points (approximately $50,000 USD) every time you fire a round.
"Now, I don't want anyone to think that we're abandoning the traditional gamer," a spokesman said. "All those great classic Nintendo franchises like Imagine Mario Kart Wiiz, Imagine Some Crap That Was Barely Tolerable Fifteen Yearz Agoz on the Virtual Console, and, ummm... Hey, Jerry, what else have we got in the pipeline for real gamers? What? Really? Crap! Where was I? Oh, yeah, and Imagine Mario Kart Wiiz, are still coming, with all the same gameplay you've been buying over and over again for the last twenty years intact. They're just undergoing a slight rebranding to make them more appealing to people so lonely and desperate for simple human contact and affection that they'll buy anything with a baby or a pony on the front."
Nintendo denied rumors that they're planning to release Imagine Mother Threez for the GBA or Imagine Kid Icaruz for the Wii, stating that the flagship titles for the new initiative would include Imagine Fetusez, Imagine Looking Halfway Decent in a Swimsuitz, and Imagine If That Guy on the Cover of Your Romance Novel Was Real and Worked at Your Officez.
In response, Microsoft announced its latest bid to capture the largely Nintendo-dominated casual market, Imagine Haloz for the 360, a crude Goldeneye 007 port which replaces James Bond with a pastel-colored Master Chief and all other licensed characters with bunnies. Ammunition in Imagine Haloz will be doled out according to a microtransaction system, charging your account 5 Microsoft points (approximately $50,000 USD) every time you fire a round.