Joke Thread

[Gyro]

Someone started a cool riddle thread, so I wanted a joke thread :D

Three guys are walking in the desert. One guy brought a bottle of water, the other guy brought 2 bottles of water, the third guy brought a car door. When the others asked why he brought a car door he replied, "If I get hot I can roll down the window."

A man walks into the docter's office with corn in his ears and peas in his nose. When he asked the docter what was wrong with him, the docter said, "You're eating wrong"

Post your jokes here!

[Danielle]

I mentioned this to some people, so I'll put it up here for their sake. (You know who you are! :p )

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up. "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce.''
Watson says, "I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!"

This, according to a British study, is the world's funniest joke. Makes you think what kind of shape the world is in today, doesn't it? :D

[Wyloms]

Yeah Patrick Star started that thread I was very rude in that thread so I am now saying sorry for my rudness.

[oranthal]

what do you call a person who can speak two languages? Bilingual.

what do you call a person who can speak three lanuages? Trilingual.

what do you call a person who can speak one language? an American.

[DR. BELCH]

Danielle's joke is funny because it works on a number of levels. Mainly in that one can overanalyze something to the point that one looks two feet past a simple answer. An ironic thing for a Netgeek like me to say. :D

***********************************************
A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets.
Someone asked her what the bracelet was for. She replied,
"I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."
The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"
The girl said, "I don't know..... I don't eat cats."

So it seems this guy was seated in the cafeteria when a woman and her two children sat down nearby and began to eat. Suddenly the man lifted one leg and flatulated loudly.
"Sir," said the woman haughtily, "Are you in the habit of doing
that before YOUR children?"
"Well, I'll tell you, ma'am," he replied. "There are no rules
in my house. Sometimes I go first, sometimes they go first."

"HISTERIA! Presents--Famous People Next Job Interviews"
Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of
office politics and back stabbing. I'd like
to get away from all that.
Jesse James: I can list among my experience
and skills: leadership, extensive travel,
logistical organization, intimate understanding
of firearms, and a knowledge of security
measures at numerous banks.
Lucretia Borgia: My greatest accomplishment?
after I took over the department, our competition
just seemed to drop out of sight one by one.
Pandora: I can bring a lot to your company. I
like discovering new things.
Genghis Khan: My primary talent is downsizing.
On my last job, I downsized my staff, my
organization, and the populations of several
countries.
MacBeth: Would I go after my boss's job?
Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock
off his boss for a promotion?
Lady Godiva - What do you mean this isn't
business casual?
Elvis: My last boss and I... say, are you gonna eat those fries?

[Eraserhead]

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and one woman, but only one position was available for an assassin.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extrememly secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then. Go home and forget you met us."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes, "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for thirteen shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, thumping, crashing and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, .... then, ... all was quiet.

The door finally opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

[Terminatah]

This is my favorite joke, from the book "Dirty Jokes and Beer" by Drew Carey.

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He ignores the voice.
Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
Again, he ignores the voice.
Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to Caesar's Palace."
He goes to Caesar's Palace.
The voice says, "Make your way to the roulette table."
He goes to the roulette table.
The voice says, "Put all your money on red 23."
He puts all his money on red 23.
The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.
The voice says, "Dammit."

-Terminatah

[JL Man]

This isn't really a joke but it's still kinda funny. This is very paraphrased as it is a pretty long joke at full length.

One day a woman won a bucket full of quarters at a slot machine in Vegas. She went to have dinner with her husband, but decided to go to her room and put the money up first. Well, this woman was very racist, though she tried to hide it. She goes to the elevator and sees two black men who make way for her to come in the elevator. One is a very tall muscular man, the other an average sized man. Her first thought is "they're going to rob me." She is embarassed because of her hesitation to get in the elevator with them, but walks in, flushed. The door closes and all of a sudden the tall man says "hit the floor." The woman quickly falls down to the floor and drops all her quarters in the process. The men try to supress a laugh and the tall man says he was just telling his friend to hit the floor number. The men, still trying to supress a laugh, offer to escort the woman to her room. She accepts the offer, embarassed that she was afraid of two such kind gentlemen. When she closes her door the men roar with laughter outside. She finally heads back down to meet her husband. Two days later the woman recieves a dozen flowers at her hotel room. On each rose there is a $100 bill attached. There is a letter as well, which reads:
"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years!
Sincerely,
Michael Jordan and Eddie Murphy"

Like I said not to funny, just ironic.

[Calico]

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve strings in here, please leave."

Depressed the string walks out and runs into a couple of friends who ask him what's wrong, so he tells him all he wants is a drink, but the bartender won't serve anything to a string. The friends decide to help him out. They bend him into a loop and then stick the end threw the loop and tighten it. Finally they take a comb and tease out the top of his head. The string takes a deep breath and walks back into the bar and confidently goes up to the bartender to order a drink.

The bartender asks, "Say aren't you the string I just kicked out of here?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

[Nightflower]

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve mushrooms here."
The mushroom protested, "But aren't I a fun guy?"

[Zorakfan]

Some zoologists are doing research or rabbits. They're finding out how fast rabbits can run, so they have built a circular track for the rabbit to run on. They picked the fastest rabbit they could find, and put him on the track. A scientist puts the rabbit on the track, steps back for a second, then jumps forward at the rabbit and yells: RUN! RAAARGH!

The rabbit takes off immediately round the track. He runs four laps. A scientist punches a stopwatch. 1 minute, 12 seconds. Not bad!
One scientist steps up and says: I have an idea...let's see how fast a rabbit runs with 3 legs unstead of four!
Needless to say, they busted out the hacksaw and bandages, and soon mr. bunny was ready for his 2nd run. With a 'RARRRGH!' The rabbit takes off around the track once more. He passes the same point 4 times, and clocks in at 2:45.
Hmm...pretty good for a rabbit still! Let's see how he does with 2 legs!
Out comes the hacksaw, a loud 'RUN, RABBIT!' prompts the crippled lagomorph to hobble 'cross the track once more.
4:15.
Whaddya think guys? Go for 1?
*Saw saw* *bleed, bleed* *wrap, wrap*
'RAAAAARGH! RUN! RUN!'
The poor rabbit makes his way, stumbling and bleeding, through the track 4 times. He is clocked in at 7:34.
May as well go for zero!
A couple quick swipes of a hacksaw later, Mr. Bunny is ready for the no-legged race. A scientist steps up to the rabbit. "BLAAARGH! RARR! RUN, RABBIT!"

The rabbit does nothing.

"BETTER RUN! RAR! RAAAR! RUN!*

The rabbit just twitches it's nose, and flails it's stumps around pitifully.

"Well gentlemen, it seems our experiment is over."

The scientist pulls out his clipboard, and writes:

'Rabbit is deaf'

[Terminatah]

While reading the joke, I thought the punchline was gonna have the rabbit turn his head and say "You're not makin a key chain out of that," or something.

-Terminatah

[Gyro]

'Rabbit is deaf' You just made my day :D

[Zorakfan]

Yay! I made someone happy for a change!

[Watagashi]

......Poor Bunny. :(

J/K, though, it was really funny. :p Poor scientists; too stupid to figure out that they're about to get run over my a giant pink submarine... ;) :D

[Mattashell]

(No, this is not a true story.)

I was hitchhiking once, and after a while I was picked up by a kid who had just gotten his first licence. We drove along for a while, and I saw we were aproaching a red traffic light and he showed no sign of slowing.
"Aren't you going to stop?" I asked.
"It's cool," he said, as we passed the signal, "my brother does this all the time."
We drove along some more and he ran another red light.
"What are you doing?" I said, "you just ran another red light."
"I told you, man," he said, "my brother does it all the time."
"Well," I said "While I'm your passenger I'd apreciate if you don't do it again."
Eventually we came to a light that was green, to my surprise he pulled up to to the stop line, and waited patiently.
"What are you doing now?" I said, "The light is green!"
He looked at me and explained, "My brother might be coming the other way."

[Galaxia]

Originally posted by Danielle


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up. "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce.''
Watson says, "I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!"


HAHAHAHAAA!!! LMAO

I have one - what did the zero say to the eight?

"Hey, nice belt!"

[Evil Dr. Reef]

Whaddya call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

[ghost15]

a guy walks into a bar and sez... ouch!

[Gyro]

I know, I know, this thread is old, but I thought this was hilarious.

Last Fall Russian arcaeologists dug down 300 feet and found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years. They concluded that their ancesters had a telephone network a millennium ago.

Not to be outdone, French scientists dug down 400 feet, finding traces of optical fiber that were 2000 years old. They gloated that their ancesters had digital phones 1000 years before the Russian analog system.

A week later the Japanese press reported, "After digging 500 feet, Japanese scientist found absolutely nothing. This proves conclusively that 5000 years ago our ancesters were already using wireless phones."

[Ruffian]

Why did the bubblegum cross the road?

Answer: Because it was stuck on the chicken's foot.

:D

[Terminatah]

A very long time ago, I had a sports joke book. Here's some I still remember:

Hockey Joke
A hockey player sits down at a restaurant and orders a large pizza. The waitress asks "Would you like that cut into six or eight slices?" "Eight," he replies, "I'm really hungry."

Baseball Joke
Two kids are walking through a graveyard. They come across a tombstone that says "Here lies a baseball manager and a great man." One kid says to the other, "What do you know, they've started burying people two to a grave."

Another Baseball Joke
Q: What do the New York Yankees and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: Both wear one glove for no apparent reason.

(NOTE: That one's good because you can use the name of any team you want)

-Terminatah

[Gyro]

Originally posted by Terminatah
Another Baseball Joke
Q: What do the New York Yankees and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: Both wear one glove for no apparent reason.LOL, I like that one :D

[Terminatah]

An old, retired couple is sitting at their kitchen table when the wife looks at the husband and says, "You know what? I feel like an ice cream. Will you go out and get me an ice cream?"
"All right, I'll get you an ice cream," says the man, getting up and putting on his coat.
"But, I don't want just any ice cream," says the woman, "I want a sundae."
"Okay," says the man, "I'll get you a sundae."
"But," the woman says, "I don't want just any sundae. I want a banana split. Do you want me to write this down for you?"
"No," says the man, "You want a special sundae; a banana split."
"Right," she says, "But not just any banana split. I want it to have a scoop of chocolate on one side and a scoop of vanilla on the other side. If you want, I'll write this down for you."
"I know what you want," says the man. "You want a special sundae; a banana split with a scoop of chocolate here, and a scoop of vanilla there."
"Yeah," she says, "but I want it to be special. I want it to have whipped cream on top. I'll write that down for you."
"No, no," says the man. "I know what you want. You want a special sundae; a banana split with a scoop of chocolate here, a scoop of vanilla there, and whipped cream on the top, right?"
"Yeah, but that's not good enough," says the old woman. "I want more. I want them to put some chopped nuts and a cherry on the top. I can write this down..."
"No, I know what you want," says the old man. "You want a special sundae; a banana split with a scoop of chocolate here, a scoop of vanilla there, some whipped cream, chopped nuts, and a cherry on top. Right?"
"Right!" says the woman.
Two hours later he comes back with a greasy paper bag. He puts it on the kitchen table and stands back. The woman walks over, opens the bag, looks inside, and sees four bagels.
She looks at him and says, "You forgot the cream cheese."

-Terminatah

[Lucky Bob]

Okay, so two guys decide to go out ice fishing. So they find a spot, and start to cut a hole in the ice. All of a sudden, a voice from above says "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Surprised, the two guys decide to go find another spot. They took all of their gear, set it up again, and just when they were about to start again, this same voice says "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!"

By this time, the guys were really amazed. They decided to try one more spot to see if it would happen again. So, they grabbed their gear, found another spot that looked good to them, when suddenly, the exact same voice says:


"THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!"


The end

[Terminatah]

How many Fox executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in and the other to smash it with a hammer after a couple weeks.

-Terminatah