Funniest stories you've ever had the misfortune of living through?

[SilverKnight]

This has been done to death, and then filleted like a fish, but I wanna take a crack at it. So, anybody willing to share some humiliating stories that you, a loved one, or a despised enemy has lived through? >bribes everybody with cookies< :D

[Calhoun07]

I don't know any of mine can beat you dressing up in a purple Catwoman outfit for that pic! ;) :D

[Stardust]

Hahahahaa!

Since there is a slim chance anyone will discover who I am for real, I think I'll tell a mortifying story. :D

Before winter break, during Finals week (december), I had some free time and my military science professor, Lieutenant Colonel ***** (name taken out to protect the humiliated) took me to get my Military ID down at this base.

Things were going fine, although the computer system kept breaking down so basically we drove 2 hours for a whole bunch of nothing. I let LtC ***** do all the talking, becuase he's the one who knows what he's doing. We were about to leave when the guy behind the counter said something like, "Is that your wife that needs the ID taken?" wife??? WIFE?!?! I'm 19. LTC ***** is......old enough to be my DAD. (he's OLD, man, OLD. Got a wife and two teenage sons) :eek: :o :eek: :o :eek: :o I heard wife and stopped dead in my tracks. i think i almost fainted.

Anyway, LTC ***** says back to him, "NO, this is a CADET who is a scholarship recipient..." and said something else but by then i was wishing I had the power to disappear. oh maaaaaaaan. i've never been so mortified in my life. and i had a 2 hour drive back to campus with him, too.

So here's mine. I've been contemplating for about 30 minutes whether or not to click the submit button or not....someone BETTER share their's now, and it better be something worse than this one!!

[Leaping Larry Jojo]

I was being a jerk one day and didn't want to go to a local theme park with my family. Anyway, I was grumbling all the way and my family was having fun--they weren't going to let me ruin their fun. In the end, a bird crapped on my head while I was whining.

That was 10 years ago. Looking back, I deserved it.

[Calico]

Well I gave a presentation at work one day and was writing notes on a giant pad of paper on an eisel with a magic marker - you know the ones that smell so good? I was having to bend close to the paper to write straight the further down the page I went, and I kept inhaling the fumes. Needless to say I got a serious case of the giggles and kept saying things like "man this is good stuff." :o

[Bud 'n Lou]

I have a gross little tale that I've fondly named, "The Chicken Story."

About two summers ago (I should tell you that it was a very hot day in July that this occurred), my grandparents decided to drive out to a farm, and buy a live chicken. They had recently bought a cell phone, and informed my mother of this on their way there. My grandfather used to be a butcher, so he's familiar with the...process. In fact, buying live chickens for the purpose of eating them is something my grandparents have done for years, just not any time recently (My sister has a horror story from before I was born, about how when she was a child, she remembers a scene in my grandparents' kitchen in which Theresa, my grandmother, held a live chicken down on the counter, while my grandfather, Adolf, hacked its head off with a cleaver. The resulting spray of blood on the wall still haunts her).
They were gone for several hours. My mother would call them from time to time with sick jokes like, "You two have been running around today like a pair of chickens with their heads cut off." She also told them to stop by our house on their way home (they live about a mile away from us) because she wanted to see the chickens before they killed them.
Well, they DID come by that afternoon, and my mother went out to their car, and asked where the chickens were. She didn't see any crates or anything in the back. They told my mother that they decided not to buy any chickens afterall. Then they went home.
Maybe two days later, though, they called my mother and asked if she could send John, my brother, over to their house. They needed help cleaning out their trunk, ya see... Because they HAD in fact, bought two chickens that day. They didn't tell my mother at the time, though, because they knew she'd be upset. As it turns out, the chickens were in the trunk the whole time...wrapped in plastic bags...while they were still alive.
By the time they got home, and opened the trunk, the chickens were LONG dead, and pretty gross, considering they were in a trunk for a few hours during the middle of summer. So instead of getting them out before things got too nasty, they decided to leave the chickens in there. My brother reported to us that, when he got there to clean out the trunk, the smell was unbelievable, and the corpses were covered with maggots.
They later told my mother that they had no idea that the chickens were in plastic bags, and that the farmer did it while they weren't looking.
This story never ceases to entertain us.

[Trent Lane]

Well, I went to use el bano (the bathroom) at the new Taco Bell mid-meal, so I got up and went. I entered in and went to do my business, but noticed that there were no urinals in the place. I shruged it off and went into one of the stalls. While I was going someone came into the stall next to me, and they were wearing heels. So, I figured there was one messed up man in that stall, or I was in the woman's bathroom. Knowing it was the latter of the two, I darted out of there as quick as I could, not looking back, going to cover my head at the table in case anyone had seen me....

Oh, and one time the staff of Arby's pissed me off, so I filled the napkin holders with kecthup and left laughing... not horrifying to me, but I'm sure it was to the punk who had to clean it up :p

[Terminatah]

This past winter break, my friends and I were all down from college, so one Thursday we decided to go down to our old high school to visit with our old teachers. I was riding with my friend Jon and we were meeting our other friends there. For some reason, when we pulled up to the front parking lot entrance, they had some idiot guard there who told us there was no visitors at any time ever. None of our other friends had this problem; I guess he just feared us because we are golden gods.

So we drove around to the back and parked in a tiny lot just outside the back chain link fence. We approached the fence and discovered it was locked. Jon said, "Wanna jump over it?" and I said "Sure." He stuck one foot halfway up the fance and lifted himself up, stuck the other foot on top, then threw himself over and landed gracefully. I put my first foot up not so high, then put my other foot up a little higher and tried to make it with smaller steps. Didn't work so much. I fell backwards and landed on my feet, but on the way down my sleeve got snagged on the metal part sticking up on top and I scratched my arm. I noticed the new hole in my sleeve and felt around to the inside part of my arm just above my elbow and discovered a fairly wide and deep laceration. When I twisted my arm up and looked at it for the first time, it was almost unreal, like when Arnold Schwarzenegger pulled the skin off his arm in T2: Judgment Day. Tissue poking out and stuff. So he looked at me from the other side of the fence and said "What do you wanna do?" and I said "I don't know." So he said "Wanna go to the emergency room?" and I said "OK." So he hopped back over and drove me to the hospital. After watching me get stitched up, he drove us back to the school. At this point, it's 2 hours later and we park in the same exact spot as that morning. But instead of hopping the fence, we just walked in through the open baseball field. It was a great day in idiot history.

And we had a funny story to go with the bandage and hospital bracelet.

-Terminatah

[Zorakfan]

In advance, i can tell you some bad **** is gonna go down.

Well, within weeks, we'll be starting a much anticipated project in my favorite class (Anatomy/physiology) which involves the dissection. Our unhappy subjects of which are

A) a Shark

B) A kitty

C) A bunny wabbit

Well, needless to say, everyone's getting cats because sharks reek of holy hell and rabbits are too damn small. (Seriously, this ain't no "find mr. fwoggie's heart" this is 'remove the parasympatheic system from Mr. Kitty completly intact') Anywho, our teacher must want us to be sadistic as possible (He is the coolest teacher ever) and has told us stories of previous classes. Apparently, when the animal morticiany people flush out the animal's circulatory system, they fill them with latex, so the arteries and veins don't go flat. This results in many an aorta being converted into rubber bands. Fun. After you complete all your tasks. (Which will take a few weeks) If you're done early, you get to experiment. What joy! Let's just say my friend's brother had the class last year, and now he has a charming little talisman by the name of 'princess kitty face' which is...self explanatory. He's taught me the technique of the 'evil chicken' which in essence, converts a cat into a skeletal chicken. All the while, our teacher loves taking pictures of this, so you can expect by the end of march, an 'evil chicken' avatar. But first, we get to go to the morgue for a field trip! My friend and I have contemplated taking a box of junior mints and recreating a scene from seinfeld during an autopsy, but we have our limits. (Just kidding, wouldn't do that) Well, be ready for my 'Lipo kitty' (The future name of our cat) and 'evil chicken' avatars! (The lab is right next to the physics classroom. I've heard stories of students mysteriously throwing up in that class every march. Maybe its the brains hitting the wall, or possibly the ways people make better cats out of their existing skeletal systems)

[The Guard]

I could WHOOP you all...but I won't...

[Zorakfan]

That sounded like a challenge.










Best not be a challenge. I'm trying my best here not to get banned.

Or make people spontaneously vomit, for that matter.

[Terminatah]

My story was really an edited version of the true events. I actually got my scar fighting lions and tigers.

-Terminatah

[SilverKnight]

Originally posted by Calhoun07
I don't know any of mine can beat you dressing up in a purple Catwoman outfit for that pic! ;) :D

Nah, I didn't dress up as Catwoman to get that pic. I'm not THAT pitiful. :D I used photoshop to change a senior portrait of moi into that pic. ...Okay, that IS pitiful. >ahem<

[SilverKnight]

Okay, here's a story for ya.

My sister was sitting in a back room, playing with the WebTV's webpage function thingie. I had come in to ask her something or other, which I now forget, and it's irrelevant anyway. Anywho, she's looking at potential seasonal background. She muttered the names aloud as she read them, because she's blind like that. :D "Haloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas..."

Then she stopped. She stared at the screen, and, curious, I stared with her. I looked back and forth, and back and forth, wondering what the hell she found so fascinating. Finally, she said, "Chanookuh?"

I looked back at the screen, and it took everything in me to keep a straight face as I looked down at her on the couch and said, "That's CHANUKAH."

>bows< So, there ya have it.

[RogueMartian]

Wow, I have so many of these, its hard to know which one to pick. Since someone else mentioned reliving seinfeld episodes, I'll go with that one. Me and my friends all through high school kept reliving moments in seinfeld episodes, and here was one:

In HS junior year me and two of my friends went to a college fair. We looked at all the colleges, complained about how picking colleges was hard and money for college was impossible to get, etc. Anyways, after the fair all three of us had several very heavy bags of pamphlets and books to look through (free stuff, we always take free stuff). We went to the parking garage to find my car and well....we got lost. We couldn't find the car, we ran through the whole garage and forgot what floor we were on a couple of times because time had eroded most of the level signs away (We were all dead sober, I swear). After running around, one of my friends twisted her ankle and my other friend, being the strongest of the healthy ones left, had to carry her around the garage as we searched. I ended up carrying all of the heavy bags and after forty five minutes we finally bumped into my car. How many times we passed it I'll never know. But it wasn't the first time that happened, and it wasn't the last. Parking lots and Garages need to be labelled better.

Moral of the story: bring the junior mints to the morgue, it will be a moment to remember :)

[Calhoun07]

Ok, I finally thought of a good one.

Any of you work in a large grocery store? Or any kind of large store that had a massive box crusher that was outside of the building but you threw the boxes in there thru a door inside? Well, we had one like that, and often it was a pain in the tush. There were all the time employees (especially the jerks in the produce department!) who would just throw a ton of boxes in there and never hit the button to crush them. So it would get backed up quite frequently and one of us (usually from the grocery department) would have to shove the boxes down. This sometimes was done with a useful pole we had back there for such an occasion, but sometimes a little extra elbow grease was required and you'd have to climb up and literally push it down with your arms or legs. Some times, not often, but sometimes you'd actually have to stand on the boxes and jump.

Well, there was one day I could not get the boxes to go down. I have no idea what was holding them up, but pushing did not work. So, I proceded to jump on them. Well, that certainly helped. And I went ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM!! And that thing is deep! Let me tell ya! Stand up and look how high your ceiling is, assuming you live in an average home. Well, add about 4 feet to that. So I am probably about 10 feet down or more.

I was the only one in the back room when I attempted this so I am struggling to get out but there is no way. I kept shouting for help when I heard somebody come by and they eventually put a ladder down there for me to get out.

[hello_lola]

All the stories are very funny, but Callhoun, yours is deffinitely the funniest.

Okay, here's mine:
I had to get my wisdom teeth removed about two years ago, and, since they were really, really impacted, and all four were going to have to be surgically extracted, the oral surgeon recommeded that I go under general anesthesia, rather than use Novocaine alone. Okay, so anyways, I'm super terrified of needles, so the idea of having an IV put in is way worse than having four of my teeth ripped out of my jaw, SO, he (the surgeon) gives me an Rx for a Vallium to take before the procedure. Alright, so THE DAY, I take the Valium about an hour before the appointment, and when I'm getting there, I'm feeling pretty calm. So, anyway, they run the line, I black-out, and they extract the teeth. Well, apparently, under certain types of general anesthesia, you're still "under" for a while after, but regain the ability to walk and talk much sooner than you regain the ability to think. (at this point I should mention that the surgeon was youngish and a total hottie) Okay so here's the embarassing part: according to my mother, who had volunteered to transport me to and from, in the recovery room, I was loudly (and graphically) proclaiming my...err...attraction to the surgeon, for everyone to hear and be horrified by. End of story.

[Trent Lane]

Calhoun, do you speak of the bailer? It supposed to crush the boxes, right? Hehheh, well, one day we filled it and had to take the "bail" (sp?) out and put it on the truck heading back to the warehouse. So we open the thing up with the metal ties around it and begin to pull it out. The ties break, and there is a cardboard explosion in the stock room. It filled the room and it was literally knee deep back there... glad I was just getting off :p

[Lachesis]

::goggles at Calhoun's avatar::

Calhoun! There are children present! :D

Ehh, well there was the time I was late to a final by, erm, three days.