James Harvey
02-12-2002, 05:05 PM
I recently stumbled onto the Mr. Crabky website, and did some searching through the archvies for old reviews, and low & behold I find reviews for three Batman movies. Now, the reviews below are meant to sound negative and aren't to be taken seriously. They are funny, though:
Batman (1989)
One must assume that after all those years of getting beaten up inschool, übergeek-turned-director Tim Burton saw actor Michael Keaton as a guy who could kick some ass, or, at least, kick Burton's ass. Unfortunately, this pathetic bit of casting has led to a series of increasingly feminine Batmans; first Keaton, then Val Kilmer and then George Clooney. Who's next? RuPaul? The male stars of "Friends"? Keep this progression up, and in a few years it's going to be Richard Simmons as Batman, trying convince Robin that just because Batman can't get into the Batsuit anymore doesn't mean he can't slap-fight with the best of them.
This long-awaited adaptation of the famous comic-book hero turns the Dark Knight into a sad, wimpy joke -- it's a film about a clown wielding dangerous cosmetics to the music of Prince.
Another precedent set by Burton is the focus on the bad guy, in this case, the Joker (Jack Nicholson), whom Batman drops into a vat of acid, giving his face a permanent smile. This inspires the Joker to terrorize Gotham City with poisoned cosmetics while Batman tries to keep Vicky Vale (Kim Basinger) from becoming one of the resultant fashion disasters. This film should just have been called "Joker," because Batman barely puts in an appearance.
The only interesting relationship in the film is the one between Alfred (Michael Gough) and Bruce Wayne. Bruce tells Vicky something to the effect of "Alfred is the only family I've ever known," thus furthering the upper-class notion that forcing one's help to lick the toilet bowls for minimum wage does not preclude one from pretending that they are equals. Clark Kent, at least, was a working man. Bruce Wayne is nothing more than an effeminate capitalist with a rubber fetish.
Batman Forever
Someone give director Joel Schumacher a Quaalude and teach him how to film an action sequence. I'm sure in his own pompous, self-righteous way, Joel figured that having his camera imitate a bat in flight and other aerial-type movements would seem amazingly original to somebody. Unfortunately, there are only about a couple million adolescents with exactly the same idea.
The whole "Batman" industry of films is like a circus that is so full of side shows you can never reach the main event. Despite the Dark Knight's name being in the title in all three films, they are better remembered as "The Joker," "The Catwoman" and "The Riddler." Michael Keaton drops out, Val Kilmer drops in. Who really cares? "Batman Forever" is about introducing as many villains, vixens and sidekicks as time will allow.
For all Jim Carrey might offer as The Riddler, watching his attempt at serious acting as alter-ego Edward Nigma is like getting a sandpaper enema. Tommy Lee Jones as Two Face is the worst use of an Academy Award winning actor since Cher made her last fitness video. Nicole Kidman spews every psychiatric cliche in the book on her way to becoming one. And because of a crew cut, we're supposed to believe Chris O'Donnell could actually kick somebody's ass. My final words on "Batman Forever"? Check out the nipples on the bat suit.
Batman & Robin
Well, here's another hundred million dollars down the drain. Presumably, a year or two ago, some underpaid whipping boy in the deepest pit of some special effects company came up with the freezing effect Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger) uses in this movie. Unfortunately, director Joel Schumacher saw it and said, "Hey, what a great thing to structure an entire movie around."
That this mediocre special effect is the best thing in the movie should give you some inkling of just how bad the rest of "Batman and Robin" is. The entire movie looks like it was filmed for an easy transition to a Burger King cup. When Batman (George Clooney) and Robin (Chris O'Donnell) first encounter Mr. Freeze, there's lots of ice skating, ice surfing and ice hockey to ensure that every four-year-old in the audience begins tugging on her parents' shirts to demand that new pair of Batman ice skates.
Once again, instead of telling a story about Batman, this new installment is about the villains. To make Mr. Freeze more menacing, some idiot audio engineer has seen fit to amplify and reverberate Arnold's voice, making it sound like two drunken Austrian immigrants belching at each other inside a metal box. The other villain is Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman), whose main purpose is apparently to have her ass kicked by Batgirl (Alicia Silverstone).
There's some real schlocky crap about family and commitment as Alfred (Michael Gough) takes ill and Batman and Robin start to fight over Poison Ivy. At the end of the film, the three Batpeople join hands in triumph, a clear signal to the audience that another one of these putrid, worthless Batman films is all but guaranteed.
More can be found at www.mrcranky.com
Batman (1989)
One must assume that after all those years of getting beaten up inschool, übergeek-turned-director Tim Burton saw actor Michael Keaton as a guy who could kick some ass, or, at least, kick Burton's ass. Unfortunately, this pathetic bit of casting has led to a series of increasingly feminine Batmans; first Keaton, then Val Kilmer and then George Clooney. Who's next? RuPaul? The male stars of "Friends"? Keep this progression up, and in a few years it's going to be Richard Simmons as Batman, trying convince Robin that just because Batman can't get into the Batsuit anymore doesn't mean he can't slap-fight with the best of them.
This long-awaited adaptation of the famous comic-book hero turns the Dark Knight into a sad, wimpy joke -- it's a film about a clown wielding dangerous cosmetics to the music of Prince.
Another precedent set by Burton is the focus on the bad guy, in this case, the Joker (Jack Nicholson), whom Batman drops into a vat of acid, giving his face a permanent smile. This inspires the Joker to terrorize Gotham City with poisoned cosmetics while Batman tries to keep Vicky Vale (Kim Basinger) from becoming one of the resultant fashion disasters. This film should just have been called "Joker," because Batman barely puts in an appearance.
The only interesting relationship in the film is the one between Alfred (Michael Gough) and Bruce Wayne. Bruce tells Vicky something to the effect of "Alfred is the only family I've ever known," thus furthering the upper-class notion that forcing one's help to lick the toilet bowls for minimum wage does not preclude one from pretending that they are equals. Clark Kent, at least, was a working man. Bruce Wayne is nothing more than an effeminate capitalist with a rubber fetish.
Batman Forever
Someone give director Joel Schumacher a Quaalude and teach him how to film an action sequence. I'm sure in his own pompous, self-righteous way, Joel figured that having his camera imitate a bat in flight and other aerial-type movements would seem amazingly original to somebody. Unfortunately, there are only about a couple million adolescents with exactly the same idea.
The whole "Batman" industry of films is like a circus that is so full of side shows you can never reach the main event. Despite the Dark Knight's name being in the title in all three films, they are better remembered as "The Joker," "The Catwoman" and "The Riddler." Michael Keaton drops out, Val Kilmer drops in. Who really cares? "Batman Forever" is about introducing as many villains, vixens and sidekicks as time will allow.
For all Jim Carrey might offer as The Riddler, watching his attempt at serious acting as alter-ego Edward Nigma is like getting a sandpaper enema. Tommy Lee Jones as Two Face is the worst use of an Academy Award winning actor since Cher made her last fitness video. Nicole Kidman spews every psychiatric cliche in the book on her way to becoming one. And because of a crew cut, we're supposed to believe Chris O'Donnell could actually kick somebody's ass. My final words on "Batman Forever"? Check out the nipples on the bat suit.
Batman & Robin
Well, here's another hundred million dollars down the drain. Presumably, a year or two ago, some underpaid whipping boy in the deepest pit of some special effects company came up with the freezing effect Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger) uses in this movie. Unfortunately, director Joel Schumacher saw it and said, "Hey, what a great thing to structure an entire movie around."
That this mediocre special effect is the best thing in the movie should give you some inkling of just how bad the rest of "Batman and Robin" is. The entire movie looks like it was filmed for an easy transition to a Burger King cup. When Batman (George Clooney) and Robin (Chris O'Donnell) first encounter Mr. Freeze, there's lots of ice skating, ice surfing and ice hockey to ensure that every four-year-old in the audience begins tugging on her parents' shirts to demand that new pair of Batman ice skates.
Once again, instead of telling a story about Batman, this new installment is about the villains. To make Mr. Freeze more menacing, some idiot audio engineer has seen fit to amplify and reverberate Arnold's voice, making it sound like two drunken Austrian immigrants belching at each other inside a metal box. The other villain is Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman), whose main purpose is apparently to have her ass kicked by Batgirl (Alicia Silverstone).
There's some real schlocky crap about family and commitment as Alfred (Michael Gough) takes ill and Batman and Robin start to fight over Poison Ivy. At the end of the film, the three Batpeople join hands in triumph, a clear signal to the audience that another one of these putrid, worthless Batman films is all but guaranteed.
More can be found at www.mrcranky.com