"Lord of the Rings" by Matt Groening

[Maxie Zeus]

Sam: Yo Hamfast! Frodo and the gang are going on a coo-ol troll bait. Should be plenty of ways I can really screw up the works on that one!

Gaffer: Yes son, but don't call me Hamfast. And I'm proud of you for taking it in that spirit. Nothing worth doing right is worth doing.

Widow Rumble: Mmmhmhmhm! Mister Gamgee, I don't think you should be encouraging him in such negative attitudes.

Gaffer: Nonsense Marjoram! Making a dog's dinner of things is what separates us from the animals, especially dogs. And weaselling out of things is what separates Hobbits and Trolls from the animals as well,... er... except weasels.

Rosy: Actually Mr Gamgee, studies have shown that so-called dumb animals are more likely to see through a task to completion than talking folk.

Gaffer: Doh! Go to your room!

Rosy's baby sister: (suck suck suck...)


Check out the Alternative Lord of the Rings (http://www.flin.demon.co.uk/althist/auth.htm) for more great author's versions of Tolkien. My fave: Raymond Chandler



"Frodo Baggins?" said the old man in the doorway, rain dripping from his oversized hat with all the ease of a dwarf burrowing after gold.

"That's the name on the door. Guess I'm gullible enough to believe what it says about me."

The old man came in a dripped water on the earth floor. Added a touch of class, so I didn't complain.

"Frodo, you've got a problem."

"I pay my taxes, and I'm clean with the Rangers. What's my problem?"


and so on . . . :D

[Naraht]

Lord of the Rings, by Gene Roddenbury

"The Halflings, cap'n, they will na take the strain"

"Strider, we've got to get out of this snow. Legolas, did you get a reading on that creature?"

"Fascinating, Captain. It appears to be an unknown creature that lurks in the pool waiting for passing strangers. Ecologically implausible, captain."

"Do you know what it is?"

"I believe I said it was unknown, Dr Gimli. Logically, if I knew what it was, then it wouldn't be unknown."

"Cap'n, we're in some sort of temporal warp, stretching and deforming the plot. The snow should take place a day before our encounter with this beastie."

"Captain, what are we going to do."

"Boromir, put on that red armour."....


I LOVE IT!!!!

[Evil Dr. Reef]

The Lord of the Rings, by Ernest Hemingway Frodo Baggins looked at the ring. The ring was round. It was a good ring. The hole at the heart of the ring was also round. The hole was clean and pure. The hole at the heart of the ring had an emptiness in it that made Frodo Baggins remember the big skies of the Shire when his father had taken him out and taught him to tear the heads off the small, furred things that walked there, even though he hated blood in those days and the stink of the blood was always part of the emptiness for him then and ever after.
Frodo Baggins could put the ring on his finger now. The stink of the blood and the hole and the emptiness could never leave him now. Frodo Baggins looked at the ash-heap slopes of Mordor and remembered the Cuban orc who had kept the ash on his cigar all the way to the end. The orc just drew on the cigar and smoked the cigar calmly and kept the ash in a long gray finger, a hard finger, right to the moment that the Rangers beat hit to death with clubs. He was mucho orco, the Cuban.

Frodo Baggins looked at the ring and the hole and smelled the sulfur smell that came from the vent in the mountain. There were scorched black bushes round the vent. The vent was like the cleft of the old whore at the Prancing Pony on the night that the Black Riders came. Frodo Baggins reached in his pouch and took out the flask of good grappa there and filled his mouth and swallowed the grappa. She was mucha puta, the old whore.

Frodo Baggins could spit again so he spat hard, once. He took the ring and threw it into the vent.

The earth moved.


Fantastical!!!

[The Dork Knight]

"Did you ever wonder who your father was, Frodo?"

"Uncle Bilbo was my father, Obi Gan Dalf."

"Your Uncle is a fine man, but he is not your father. Your father was a fine warrior and a great captain, strong in the Force. He was called Sarumann the Wise, and he was a good friend."

"Was? Is he dead?"

"He is no more. It is your destiny to avenge his death, young Baggins."

LOL! Good stuff on that site!

- Foley Is Good

[DR. BELCH]

Just be grateful it wasn't Caryl Churchill LOTR. Your bloody head would explode from her eccentric sentence/plot constructs.

That'd be a great Celebrity Deathmatch fight--Ayn Rand vs. Churchill--Battle of the Incomprehensible Women Writers. :p

[RockItShipper]

Here's the Pulp fiction spin on LOTR: http://www.flyingmoose.org/tolksarc/theories/pulptolk.htm

Personally, I think it'd be funny/scary to see the X-Men Evolution writers prepare a LOTR show... high school setting and all... And of course, sex changes to diversify the bunch and maintain the intergrity of Tolkien's book. :rolleyes:

Frodo Baggins is a new student at Isildur High. Strider and Arwen are the most popular boy and girl. His cousins, Mary and Pippin, are the silly kids in his group. Sam is the quiet, loyal one. More troubled, but generally friendly, are Boromir and Eowyn. Gandalf is the main adult advisor outside of school, but Galadriel the Elven archer and Gimli the hard-axed dwarf takes turns leading the team in his absence. So it always comes down to nine.

The bad eggs... Principal Saruman. The mysterious Sauron... And, of course.... the losers at school: Gollum, Grima, Lurtz, and the Witch of Angmar.

[Barb Gordon]

Ernest Hemingway is one of my favorite authors, the spoof on him was great,lol. I found this one amusing enough:

Lord of the Rings, by PG Wodehouse

"Sam, I've decided to go and overthrow the Dark Lord by tossing his jewellery into a volcano."

"Very good, sir. Should I lay out your crazy adventure garb? I presume that this will pose a delay to tea-time. I would remind your Hobbitship that your Great Aunt Lobellia Sackville-Baggins is expected for tea."

"Blast! I say, bother! How can a chap overthrow the Dark Lord? I suppose I will have to delay my campaign."

"Very good, sir. I believe you will be free in about a decade."

"I'll do it then. Make a note, Sam."

Barb^-^

[Theking]

Man that is some great stuff.

Loved it all.

TheKing