PDA

View Full Version : With Eyes Closed (G)



The_NewCatwoman
02-09-2006, 03:23 PM
**I've never posted on the Story Board but I wrote this story last night and posted it on my MySpace page. While very gently visiting I figured "Why not post it here as well?" The story was inspired by the Vietnam War in general and a nightly news feature that I saw about the movie Be Good, Smile Pretty (http://www.orphansofwar.org/index.html) a few years ago.**

**1967**

He felt the sand shifting under the back of his head, the silent weight of the sky and the beach and the ocean surrounding him. With his eyes closed he felt her head laying on his chest, trying to ignore her fear, her disbelief at just the sound of his heartbeat. Stroking her long brown hair he squinted, marveling at the strands twisted around his fingers.

They hadn’t expected to see one another again, her his Virginia, him her Horus. Childhood had seen them running over the expanse of their two homesteads side by side, the grass and rocks meeting their bare toes with comfort and familiarity. There had been no adolescence, he’d gone into the Naval Academy, she to some girls school back East and just as they knew their parents had devilishly planned they drifted apart.

Then there’d been his proper induction into the Navy, standing straight and uniformed in the front room, scratching his neck. She’d passed by on the way to the kitchen for a bottle of Dr. Pepper. Apparently she hadn’t even been told he was home, but that didn’t make sense, no, she’d just wanted him to believe she didn’t care either way.

Outside on his back patio he’d bored her with the revelation that each stone had been hand picked in New Mexico and shipped back to his fathers residence in western Maryland, cemented right were they sat. She’d twirled her hair and tried desperately to act disinterested until she’d finished the soda and—unintentionally, unceremoniously—belched. She’d buried her face in her arms, red as a strawberry, eyes tearing with embarrassment. He’d been tempted to laugh, to spite her for her selfish independence of him, what else could she have expected after such a long drink? Instead he’d merely rubbed her back and she’d welcomed him home.

Shaking his head he leaned against an iron chair leg, his mother’s most-prized patio set he reminded himself, and informed her of what was to be his grim journey into nothingness. She’d sat up; Marygrove splayed proudly across her college sweatshirt and denied his every word. Virginia as sure as any nineteen year old woman should be assured him that that couldn’t be true.

He’d scratched at his mustache, a project of his newfound manhood, and staring across the backyard, ignoring her strange, inured expression, ordered her to understand. That Friday he was off to Basic Training and within many more months would come Vietnam.

She’d stood in all of her chaste grace, plucking an imagined piece of lint from her skirt and chucked the bottle as hard as she could to her left. They’d each listened through the silence until a satisfying shattering of glass inevitably followed somewhere near the wooden fence. Then he’d walked her the whole, miserable twenty feet to her house, depositing her in her ground floor bedroom. Months later Naval buddies, ammunition buddies, pick-up-game-of-cards buddies all wished vainly for him, imagining for their own piece of mind, that he’d scored that night. No soldier should die a virgin.

Now he lay, mustache long gone, the scent of their beach scene settling in his nostrils as she fell asleep. His eyes returned to their favorite position, closed, as the remembrances of moaning and crying and “Please don’t let me die” zipped through his mind. Of screams for mothers and wives named Dottie, Patricia, and Beatrix, muttered words of the Last Rites were all slowly met with the sound of peace. His feet free of socks or shoes he dug his toes into the sand and decided he wouldn’t tell her what had happened or what he’d seen. He might wince a little at popped balloons, water pistols, or smile at taunting six year old brats with plastic army helmets and avoid the newspaper for a long while if he could. But whatever happened he was merely glad if she didn’t abandon him for Back East or Up North. If she sat waiting on the patio, head held high, Coke bottle squeezed between her knees. If she sat waiting for him.

SilverKnight
02-10-2006, 10:28 AM
I'm not certain if he was sitting on the beach with his girlfriend or if it was some vain wish as he lay dying somewhere in Vietnam, I'm assuming it's the latter, but either way it's very haunting. War is a horrible thing to endure. Nicely done.

Matt A
02-10-2006, 11:17 AM
Short, simple and very evocative. Though the world it depicts - young country guys growing up and going off to war - is as far from my life as you could possibly get, the simplicity and honesty and sentimentality of it was still very easy for me to picture and understand. Makes a real effective point of what war is and what it does to people, all the bollocks soldiers get raised on and which then gets lost in a very sudden, unpleasant and fatal way.

In short, exceptional work. I envy it, I really do.

-Matt A-

The_NewCatwoman
02-12-2006, 05:13 PM
I'm not certain if he was sitting on the beach with his girlfriend or if it was some vain wish as he lay dying somewhere in Vietnam, I'm assuming it's the latter, but either way it's very haunting. War is a horrible thing to endure. Nicely done.

Robert Frost once assured that he disliked other authors who did and never would disclose the meaning behind a piece. It removed the chance for imagination and in a sense the integrity of his readers. I stand behind that. I'm only glad that you enjoyed this for what you thought it was.

tNC

The_NewCatwoman
02-12-2006, 05:20 PM
Short, simple and very evocative. Though the world it depicts - young country guys growing up and going off to war - is as far from my life as you could possibly get, the simplicity and honesty and sentimentality of it was still very easy for me to picture and understand. Makes a real effective point of what war is and what it does to people, all the bollocks soldiers get raised on and which then gets lost in a very sudden, unpleasant and fatal way.

In short, exceptional work. I envy it, I really do.

-Matt A-

I am quite glad you enjoyed this as well. I spend quite a lot of time studying the wars of the twentieth century as well as their affect on men. You have affirmed to me that I have done them at least a small amount of justice.

tNC

ArtificialIdiot
02-12-2006, 05:25 PM
Now that... Was beautiful.

I'd just like to reitterate what Welshie's Mate said, as that summed it up pretty nicely. Short, and very emotive... So much accomplished and raised in such a small space of time. It just seems like you've put so much thought into this - All the words strike the right tone, everything is relevant and despite the fact we don't even know their names - The characters are so well developed.

An amazing feat, to be sure. :)

The_NewCatwoman
02-13-2006, 12:43 AM
Now that... Was beautiful.

I'd just like to reitterate what Welshie's Mate said, as that summed it up pretty nicely. Short, and very emotive... So much accomplished and raised in such a small space of time. It just seems like you've put so much thought into this - All the words strike the right tone, everything is relevant and despite the fact we don't even know their names - The characters are so well developed.

An amazing feat, to be sure. :)

Why thank you. All of you. Your words have encouraged me to post more of my work. I'll definitely consider it.

tNC

ArtificialIdiot
02-13-2006, 11:27 AM
Your words have encouraged me to post more of my work. I'll definitely consider it.

Oh, please do! My friend I sent this thread to was pretty much blown away as well - So I'd love to see more of your work. :)

The Guitar Slayer
02-21-2006, 10:16 PM
I liked it alot. I checked your facts on Dr. Pepper, since I'm anal about the 1960s. It definitely left a lot of things to your imagination, and it's heavy in terms of the issues it deals with as well as the historical context it falls in. The only things I could offer to make it more real would be inclusion of the political climate at the time; that really is what makes a Vietnam War fic different from a WWI or WWII story.

The_NewCatwoman
02-09-2007, 10:05 PM
I liked it alot. I checked your facts on Dr. Pepper, since I'm anal about the 1960s. It definitely left a lot of things to your imagination, and it's heavy in terms of the issues it deals with as well as the historical context it falls in. The only things I could offer to make it more real would be inclusion of the political climate at the time; that really is what makes a Vietnam War fic different from a WWI or WWII story.

I remember chatting with you about this so I'll only say that I've finally gotten around to posting something else that I wrote about the same time. I addresses the "political climate" aspect of your reply somewhat. Thanks so much.

tNC

The_NewCatwoman
02-09-2007, 10:15 PM
**Disclaimer: I'll only say that this was written with this (http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y121/HermosaSuerte/BE020554.jpg) picture in mind. My little Donny, I first imagined him while viewing this (http://store01.prostores.com/clydekeller/catalog/RobertKennedy_Unseen_Photograph.jpg) photograph of Senator Kennedy by Clyde Keller. Donny's the young fellow directly up front. And also, be forewarned, there is some (very innocent) sexuality implied toward the end, and they are kids. Just don't think I'm some kind of creep. Peace.**

June 5th, 1968:

He sat in his mother's lap, orange popsicle resting just above his lip, his eyes squinting as she pulled him close. Like he wasn't nine; he wasn't too old of this sort of love. Not this afternoon.

His father shifted nervously, eyes glued to the television set and he noticed his mother was now rocking back and forth. She reached up and pressed his head to her chest and her breath fogged his lenses so he had to take his glasses off and clean them.

They spoke in rushed, halting tones and he wondered if he could get his football out of the neighbor's gutter before they returned the next morning.

Curling his toes he swung his legs back and forth and jumped up, taking a big bite of orange ice in the process. Ignoring the freezing burn next to his cavity he wandered through the dining room, past the McCarthy For President sign, through the kitchen and out the back door.

Carol hung around the back gate, a grape juice stain on the corner of her dress, her fingers stained with dirt and mud. He tossed the popsicle stick into the grass and rubbed his hands together to try to get rid of some of the stickiness, "What'cha got that sign for?"

Carol shrugged and stood up straight, watching him come out into the alley, "Your feet are gonna hurt." She pointed.

He shrugged, "What's that sign?"

She looked down at her chest, "It's a sticker. They passed 'em out this morning. Says 'Pray For Bobby.'"

He pushed her shoulder, "I can read. What happened to 'im?"

Carol pushed him back, "A man shot him. My mother took me to church to pray, then we went to the hospital where they're holding him. Even my dad cried this morning. I saw him in the kitchen real early holding my mother while she was at the stove; she was saying something about 'not again' and 'what a nightmare.'"

He began to fidget and pulled up his shirt collar, "My folks're for McCarthy. I don't know what he's so big about but my dad says they oughta stop the war in Vietnam....That they should let Mike come home before he gets his arm blown off or somethin."

"Were your parents crying?"

He sneered, "Nah. My dad don't cry for nothin'. He just gets real quiet. We couldn't make a sound practically all day. Mom said something about a steel trap but I wasn't listening....My brother John was chewing too loud at breakfast and my dad threw his milk at 'im."

Carol made a funny face, "Why are you smiling?"

He shrugged, "Cause it's funny. John's always getting stuff thrown at 'im. Magazines and the alarm clock. He's always running around the house and stuff. But I know better, I'm no dummy to do something I know's just gonna irk dad. What a dope."

"You always think everyone's a dope."

He pushed at the gravel with his big toe, taking his glasses off to clean again, "They are."

Carol waited a beat, folding the corners of the sticker, "I saw my sister Katharine kissing John last month."

His eyes narrowed, "The dope."

"Why?"

"The whole world saw 'em."

"No just me. They were under my window, he had his pants down and her dress was up... I didn't stick around."

He regarded her with suspicion, "Dummy, you're too nosey."

"So you kissed me too."

"One time." He defended himself, "A hundred years ago."

"And you gave me a tootsie roll to see what it was I had down there. I remember you stupid boy. Only I wouldn't let you."

He grabbed up a handful of the gravel and threw it at the fence, "You welched. Ate my candy."

"My mom would've spanked me. I'm not taking any old spanking just for you... Maybe you should marry me, then you could see whatever you wanted underneath my dress."

He shrugged, "You're too short to marry. Our kids'd be like ants."

She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and put all her weight onto him, "Marry me."

"Nope." He replied, pushing her away with his elbow.

"Donald Kettler, I bet you a thousand dollars you'll marry me."

"Not happening." He replied, turning to wander down the alley, "I'm gonna go watch the news downtown, you comin'?"

"Why don't you just watch it inside?"

He waved his hand dismissively, "My mom's just trying to baby me. I can take it in the morning but I can't take it all day."